Mike & Molly s02e11 Episode Script

Boy, you ladies really go all out at the holidays, huh? Yes, we do.
And save your air, 'cause you still have to blow up an eight-foot snowman.
And do that inside of the house.
I did it on the front lawn last year And we got a lot of calls from the neighbors.
It's not your fault they put his little nozzle in the front.
And now that we have a man that can get up on the roof, With christmas lights and a nail gun, We can really pimp this bitch out.
Should I try and untangle these, Or you just want to drop them from the roof on new year's eve? No, for new year's eve we do roman candles and air horns.
Oh, god, the neighbors hate us.
Oh, look, stockings.
Oh.
Oh.
We got to hang one up for mike, too.
Do you still have yours from when you were a kid? Mom didn't really save a lot of that stuff.
And truthfully, christmas wasn't really a big deal Around our house.
But you still celebrated, didn't you? Sure.
When my dad was around, we'd have a very traditional christmas.
He'd get a tree, we'd exchange gifts, My mom would call him cheap and start a fight, He'd take a bottle of booze into the backyard, I'd cry and we'd go to bed.
Oh, my god, was it like that every year? Oh, after he moved out it got kind of sad.
Mom and I would have Our christmas dinners at denny's And then go over to daley plaza and watch the ice skaters fall.
Ah, how she loved to watch them fall.
Well, we're going to get rid of the ghosts of christmas past And make you some new memories, right, girls? Right.
You betcha.
Tomorrow we're going to go pick out a christmas tree And pop some popcorn and string some cranberries.
Apple cider.
With schnapps.
Hot cocoa.
With schnapps.
The house'll be smelling like gingerbread and sugar cookies.
And schnapps.
Holiday music playing 24/seven.
That sounds really nice.
You bet it does.
So strap on your elf hat, buddy, 'cause santa claus is coming to town.
And that twinkly-eyed rascal Likes to party with the flynn girls.
And in this house, he don't care if you've been naughty or nice.
That's good, 'cause in my house if you smarted off To your mom during christmas week, your present went From a super nintendo to a bag of tube socks With a note from santa saying, "if you don't like it, go live with your dad and his whore.
" Okay.
Who else wants schnapps? I do.
I could use one.
No, sweetie, probably better if you didn't drink.
for the first time in my life I see love.
Molly: Okay, okay, all right, settle down.
Now, I know you're all excited about christmas break, And I'm happy to tell you there won't be any homework.
(kids cheering) that is my present to you.
But I do want you to do one thing for me.
(kids groaning) no, come on.
During the holiday season When you're playing with all your new toys, I want you to pick out one person And do something nice for them.
I thought you said there was no homework.
This isn't really homework.
This is just offering to do something kind For somebody who might need your help.
It doesn't have to be somebody in your family.
Like a stranger? No No! Not like a stranger.
We talked about that, that's dangerous.
There are a lot of creep-os out there.
But my point is that (bell ringing) It's better to give than receive, And to be thankful For what you have Walk, don't run.
Happy holidays.
Whoo, parents' problem now.
Molly.
Rebecca.
Hi.
I just wanted to stop by to wish you a happy holiday, Since you're probably not coming to the faculty party.
No, I was going to swing by-- As long as there's still free booze.
Oh, you don't know, do you? Well, I don't want to be the one to tell you So I'm just going to leave.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tell Tell me what? Nothing is official, But rumor has it, you're not getting the vice-principal job.
That's impossible.
There's no one more qualified at this school.
I mean, who are they going to give it to If not Oh Well, that's just terrific.
Isn't it? Indeedy it is.
Yeah, just wow.
Fantastic turn of events.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
Stopping by and taking the time to tell me your good news! Son of a bitch! Here we go, ladies.
Nothing says "happy birthday, jesus" Like a big jug of stupid juice.
Fill, 'er up.
I'm driving on a suspended license anyway.
Slow down, drunky mcgee.
You've been sucking the gin teat since 0600 When you snapped on your hairnet.
It's the holidays.
Kiss my ass.
Is that how you're signing your christmas cards this year? Why break tradition? All right, ladies, raise 'em up.
Here's to three weeks of not having to serve mexican goulash To a bunch of whiney, snot-nosed ingrates, And their students.
Birdie, we're in here.
Sit down, you're missing the party.
Poor thing's five squares short of a bingo, ain't she? They actually tried sacking her a few years ago.
She kept pulling the fire alarm thinking it was nickel slots.
Well, thank god she shrunk so much, and she can't reach 'em anymore.
Peggy, can I talk to you for a second? I'll be right back, But don't start decorating birdie without me.
Is the rumor true about the vice-principal job? It's not a rumor, it's a fact.
I just saw the e-mail on the janitor's iphone.
Damn it, I worked my butt off to get that job.
She worked her butt, too.
But it was on the principal's joystick And whatever else he pointed at and told her to straddle.
It's not fair.
I told you to take the low road.
No.
I wasn't going to use blackmail To get a job I clearly deserved.
It's not supposed to work like that.
Welcome to the wonderful world of disappointment.
The good news is, you're the young, hot one.
Wow, this new beard is nice.
Not too itchy, very lifelike.
None too soon, because the old one was starting to get a little gamey.
Well, it was attached to your mouth, And that area gets a lot of holiday traffic.
After a couple of hot chocolates and a taffy apple It starts to look like a poodle's ass.
I'm glad I sprung for the deluxe one.
It says on the label, it's the facial hair preferred By most santas, father times and zz top tribute bands.
Meanwhile, I got to put on that same ratty elf costume With the green tights and a tiny shirt.
Thank god I've got shapely legs and confidence.
Are you angling to be santa again? Lord no.
I'm still trying to get over the sting of last year.
All them kids coming up to me talking about "santa ain't black, santa ain't black.
" And those were the black kids.
Well, me walking around in that elf costume Wasn't exactly a crowd pleaser.
Yeah, like those underprivileged kids Haven't seen enough ugly in their lives.
Happy holidays, gentlemen.
All right, and keep the change.
A $2.
15 tip? It truly is a season of miracles.
Just take it.
God bless you, kind sir.
I shall run out right now And buy the fattest christmas goose in all the land.
And perhaps a skateboard for tiny tim, Now that I can afford to get his little legs fixed.
See, that right there is why I never tip him.
Oh! Well, it's officially christmas.
Birdie's lit and so are we.
All I'm saying is that that job should have been mine.
But who did they give it to? The perky little slut rebecca.
I hate perky little sluts.
You still harping about losing that job? Hey, I come in early, I come on the weekend.
Why? Because I care, that's why.
Well, there is your first mistake.
Once those bastards know you give a damn, That's when they got you by the little gray curlies.
That's right! No, no, no.
It's not supposed to be like that.
Hard work and dedication are supposed to be rewarded, right? Sure.
When you walk through the forest, All the bluebirds are singing pretty songs, Putting flowers in your hair and crapping candy kisses.
Wake up, sap, life is cruel.
I learned that lesson a long time ago with my first husband.
Oh, here we go.
Another tragic tale about you And that bowlegged son of a bitch.
I like bowlegged men.
Just grab 'em by the ankles and make a wish.
He was working double shifts So we could save up enough money to buy our own weenie truck.
Blah, blah, blah.
Then he drained the bank account and moved to wisconsin With some half-cherokee gal.
Chippewa.
The point is, your heart was broken, Your dreams were squashed And now pocahontas is driving around in your weenie truck.
What am I supposed to do? Just stop trying? I can't live like that.
I need to believe that if I do my best and be a good person I'll be the one driving the weenie truck.
Vin, that's a beautiful tree.
Best one they had.
I own the vacant lot where the guy sells 'em, So he gives me first choice.
That's why we get free pumpkins at Halloween, stuffed bunnies on easter And crack cocaine pretty much year round.
Mike: There she is, my christmas angel.
And you're just in time to help decorate the tree.
Whoo! Let's decorate the hell out of that thing! Whoo! Let's throw some tinsel on it.
And pretend that it's not already dead.
(zany grunting) Look at the little dead tree.
See you in about two weeks when you're rotting on the curb.
And to all a good night.
Anybody want schnapps? Mike: Molly? Sweetie, you awake? It's time for lunch.
Not hungry.
Come on, rise and shine.
You've been under those covers for two days now.
Let's see that pretty little face of yours Whoa.
What? Nothing.
I just thought it might be kind of fun To get out of the house today.
Take a shower, brush our teeth, Maybe buy some gifts for our loved ones.
Just put my purse under the tree And tell everyone to take what they want.
Come on, you don't need that vice-principal job.
You're still a great teacher.
Was a great teacher.
I'm done with that.
What are you talking about? What is the point? I'm nothing but a glorified baby sitter.
I'd actually make more money if I was a baby sitter.
Hey, why don't we try to salvage what's left of the day? I'll go rustle us up some lunch and you make yourself pretty.
Not that you're not pretty already.
Prettier is what I meant.
If that's possible.
Get out! Okay, all right.
Well, who is this pretty little thing, jingles? (high-pitched voice): This is cindy.
And according to your list, she's been a very good girl.
Is that true, young lady? Yes.
Well, let's see if we can find An extra special present for you.
I'm on it, santy claus.
Ooh This feels like a dolly.
But don't open it until christmas morning.
Even though jingles here already ruined the surprise for you.
Make sure you give her a good home, and don't ever Let her quit school, do drugs or get a tramp stamp You just make the toys, jingles, Don't tell 'em how to raise 'em.
Thank you, santa.
You're welcome, little princess.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Santa needs to take five.
Yeah, I can see how you might get tired Sitting on that throne while I lift children onto your lap.
Santa needs to take a little "pause for the claus.
" So when we're done here you want to grab a bite to eat? If we stay in costume, we might get a free dessert.
Says the man who's not trying to hide his christmas package Under a short elf shirt.
What's the matter? Molly still hasn't pulled out of her funk yet? Hey, when are you coming back? Be cool, little man.
Santa has a domestic situation up at the north pole.
I'm sure she'll pull out of it.
You just need to give her a little space.
I hope so.
'cause I've never really had a good christmas, And I'm starting to think maybe mom's right: It is me.
I just want my toy.
If you don't mind your manners, You're not gonna get a toy this year.
You're not real.
Elves aren't black.
Hey, there are black elves all over the north pole.
How many times you been? None? That's what I thought.
Carl, let it go.
He's just a kid.
And you're not really santa.
Santa's not that fat.
You know how I got this fat? By eating all the little naughty kids, So butter up and I'll see you christmas morning.
Why does this happen every year? I don't know.
I-I blame the parents.
(christmas music playing on television) How do you drink that eggnog without booze in it? Basically, you're just guzzlin' pancake batter.
Who said there's no booze in it? Charlie brown's a chump.
Whoa.
Charlie brown is a beloved character, And this is a timeless holiday classic.
Look at those little jerks.
They all have the same giant heads, just different hair.
Much like the moranto family.
Men, women, babies.
All got the same melon.
You think you're gonna grow into it, nobody ever does.
I can't believe they keep shoving this baloney Down our throats every year.
Oh, come on.
You're tellin' me your heart doesn't swell When the little gay kid tells the bald-headed bastard About the true meaning of christmas? If this were real life, charlie brown would've Tied linus' blanket around his neck like a noose And jumped off the top of snoopy's doghouse.
Wow, you are grim.
(doorbell rings) Yeah, well, you've got a big melon head.
Please let it be carolers.
I'm dying to turn the hose on some carolers.
Miss flynn? Who's asking? My name's matt dalton.
I was a student of yours about ten years ago.
Okay.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
Don't be a stranger.
Wait, wait, wait, you don't remember me? I was kind of fidgety.
I spent most of my time drawing in my notebook And on my desk, and on the walls.
Look, matt, I'm sure you think you're narrowing it down, But I've seen a lot of ritalin kids in my day.
Do you remember when you walked by me And I'd drawn this big dragon on my desk? And instead of getting mad, you gave me a sheet of drawing paper And told me to make it bigger, more colorful? And I hung it on the board.
You did.
Matt dalton.
I do remember you.
That was a dragon? All these years I thought it was a dog.
I mean, a beautiful dog.
Very colorful.
Well, you were the only teacher That encouraged me to pursue my drawing.
So I wanted to come by and thank you, And to tell you I got accepted Into the school of art and design.
Really? That's great.
It was because of you.
Well Wow.
Do you Do you want to come in for a bit? And maybe have, um Some eggnog? Don't worry, he's nobody.
I gotta get going, but, um I wanted to give you this.
Hey Aw Hang on to it.
Hopefully, it'll be worth something someday.
It already is.
Thanks, miss flynn.
Merry christmas.
Merry christmas, matt.
I'm sorry, but this is totally a dog.
(talking indistinctly) Molly: Hey Look, everybody, santa's here.
You're up.
I am.
And dressed.
And clean.
So, all's well in whoville? Yeah, I didn't want to be vice-principal anyway.
All they really do is push paper and punish kids.
And I'd rather teach them and inspire them.
I thought you said there was a significant pay bump, too.
Vince.
I don't care about the money.
It's It's not about that.
It's about, you know, doing something you love, That you're passionate about.
And being able to come home to someone who loves you For who you are.
And that ain't going anywhere.
Aw, you're my big weenie truck.
I don't know what that means, but I'll take it.