Roseanne s02e11 Episode Script

BECKY! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? IT'S 20 DEGREES OUTSIDE, AND HE'S OUT THERE WITHOUT A HAT.
I'M NOT HIS KEEPER.
NOW CAN I GO BACK OUTSIDE AND PLAY? NO, YOU PUT ON A HAT OR ELSE LEAVE YOUR HEAD INSIDE.
AWW.
BECKY, I'M WORKING TWO JOBS HERE.
NOW UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO OUT AND GET A JOB, I NEED YOU TO BE AN ADULT WHEN I'M AT WORK.
WELL, IF I'M AN ADULT, THEN HOW COME I CAN'T SEE BON JOVI IN CHICAGO NEXT WEEK? 'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I THOUGHT I WAS AN ADULT.
IF YOU WERE AN ADULT, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN LIKE BON JOVI.
WHERE'S YOUR SISTER? I DON'T KNOW.
WHO CARES? DID SHE GO OVER TO CINDY'S HOUSE? MOTHER, I DON'T KNOW.
SHE DOESN'T CHECK IN WITH ME.
HELLO? HI, GLORIA.
IT'S ROSEANNE.
DID DARLENE COME HOME WITH CINDY? YEAHNOOK, WELL, IF SHE DOES COME OVER THERE, TELL HER I NEED HER TO GET HER BUTT HOME RIGHT AWAY.
THANKS.
BYE.
MOTHER, WHEN CAN I TALK TO YOU? HOW'S JUNE? I'M SERIOUS.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT JIMMY.
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT IT TOMORROW OVER BREAKFAST? OH, SURE.
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
WELL, DO YOU WANT ME TO WAKE YOU WHEN I COME HOME AT 2:30 A.
M.
? MOTHER, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU ALL WEEK.
YOU'RE NEGLECTING ME.
I KNOW, HONEY, BUT IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.
I'M NEGLECTING YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER, TOO.
VERY FUNNY.
OK.
I'LL BE IN THE SHOWER AT 6:00 TOMORROW MORNING.
YOU COME TALK TO ME THEN.
OK.
IT'S A DATE.
DAN.
RIGHT? RIGHT.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA BE HOME EARLY TODAY.
HEY, A MAN CAN DREAM, CAN'T HE? WELL, JOEY MESSED UP THE LUMBER ORDER, AND ONCE HE FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT, HE SENT IT TO THE JOB WE WERE WORKIN' AT LAST WEEK.
WELL, MAYBE THE DRIVER WAS JUST TOO EMBARRASSED TO GO OVER TO THE RED VELVET MASSAGE PARLOR.
MAYBE.
BUT YOU WERE THERE, WEREN'T YOU? BRIGHT AND EARLY.
ROSEANNE, IT'S A JOB, ALL RIGHT? GIVE ME A BREAK.
WELL, YOU MUST BE SO PROUD WORKING THERE.
OF COURSE, IT DOESN'T HAVE THE PRESTIGE OF WORKING AT CHICKEN DIVINE OR THE LOBO LOUNGE, BUT IT'S A MASSAGE PARLOR, DAN.
AT LEAST THE ONLY BREASTS I SEE ARE DIPPED IN BATTER.
SAME HERE.
I HATE THIS PLACE.
I HATE THIS PLACE.
I HATE THIS PLACE.
I HATE THIS PLACE.
HOW YOU DOING, LIZZIE? OH, FINE.
WHAT YOU GOT? YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS-- I NEED A LONG ISLAND ICED TEA, A SLOE GIN FIZZ, AND A GOLDEN CADILLAC.
THREE SHOTS COMING UP.
STICK UMBRELLAS IN THEM.
THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
YEAH.
DARLENE CALLED AND SAID, AND I QUOTE, "DO NOT PASS A COW.
I AM HOME.
" OH, GREAT.
HOW'S YOUR KID DOING.
BETTER? HE'S COUGHING SOME, BUT MOM'S GOT HIM TONIGHT.
HOW ABOUT YOURS? OH, THEY'RE OK.
OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW.
I ONLY SEE THEM HOW'S DAN? SORRY.
IS THAT MY HEAD, OR YOU WANT SOMETHING? I COULD USE ANOTHER.
WHAT, ANOTHER LIVER? YEAH, LAST YEAR WE WENT UP TO LAKE WAPELLO.
COURSE, BY THE TIME WE GOT UP THERE, IT WAS TOO LATE TO DO ANY FISHING 'CAUSE THE WIFE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO READ A MAP.
WELL, READING MAPS ARE MORE A GUY'S THING, I THINK, 'CAUSE ONLY GUYS UNDERSTAND ROSIE, YOU MAKE A LOUSY DRINK.
BUT FORTUNATELY, YOU GOT THE ATTITUDE TO GO WITH IT.
I CAN TELL THAT Y'ALL APPRECIATE ME BY HOW WELL YOU'RE TIPPING.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE NOT TIPPING AT ALL, ARE YOU? SORRY.
HOPE I DIDN'T EMBARRASS NOBODY, DID I? ABOUT TIME.
LAST CALL! ISN'T THAT ANNIE CLEMENT'S HUSBAND? WHERE? OVER THERE, LATCHED ONTO THAT BLONDE.
IT SURE IS.
WHAT A CREEP.
I HATE MEN.
I HATE BLONDES.
I HATE THIS WHOLE PLACE.
LIZZIE, WOULD YOU GO HOME WITH ME TONIGHT? WHAT DO YOU THINK? HEY, LARRY.
HI, ROSIE.
HOW'S YOUR WIFE? FINE.
FINE.
FINE.
FINE.
HOW COME YOU AIN'T WEARING YOUR WEDDING RING, LARRY? OH, OH! ROSIE, EASY, EASY.
HEY, YOUR WIFE'S DUE ANY DAY, ISN'T SHE, LARRY? SO WHAT'S THAT MAKE, FIVE KIDS NOW? THERE'S BILLY AND PETEY AND RANDY GIVE HER MY REGARDS, LARRY.
DANHONEY? I'M HOME.
[SNORT.]
[ALARM BUZZES.]
[HUMMING.]
GET OFF ME.
TELL YOUR FATHER THERE'S COLD CUTS IN THE FRIDGE AND DON'T LET THE SOUP BOIL OVER 'CAUSE IT'LL RUIN THE STOVE.
YES, SIR.
GEE, DAN, THAT WAS ALMOST A KISS.
ALMOST.
I'M REALLY GETTING TIRED OF COLD SANDWICHES FOR DINNER.
MAYBE IF YOUR FATHER HAD MADE SURE YOU GIRLS DID THE DISHES, I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DO THEM WHEN I CAME HOME LAST NIGHT AT 2:30 A.
M.
THEN I WOULD'VE HAD MORE TIME TO FIX SOMETHING HOT FOR DINNER.
BUT, OBVIOUSLY, HE WAS JUST TOO BUSY WATCHING MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL OR TUESDAY NIGHT BUTT BALL OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS HE WATCHES.
I BELIEVE HE WAS WATCHING DARLENE DO HER HOMEWORK.
OOH, HOW DARE I TAKE A SECOND JOB WHEN THERE'S SEVENTH GRADE ALGEBRA TO BE DONE.
IT'S NOT WORTH FIGHTING ABOUT, YOU GUYS.
I GOT MORE TO DO TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW, SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE WHO HAS A JOB, I'LL SEE IF I CAN DO THE HOUSEWORK TONIGHT TO YOUR SATISFACTION, YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS.
OF COURSE, I WAS JUST OUT PLAYING JOHNNY BUILDER WITH MY LITTLE PALS ALL DAY.
OH, DAN, ARE YOU FEELING IGNORED? ARE YOU FEELING UNAPPRECIATED? YOU'LL BE FEELING SINGLE IN ABOUT TWO SECONDS.
OH, WELL, THERE'S A HUGE THREAT.
YOU GUYS ARE SO WEAK.
ARE YOU GONNA GET AROUND TO DOING THE LAUNDRY SOMETIME, OR SHOULD I DO THAT, TOO? LET'S SEE.
I GOT A VACATION COMING UP IN ABOUT 6 MONTHS.
FINE.
I'LL DO IT.
YOU KNOW, DAN, THERE IS JUST NOTHING I WOULD RATHER DO RIGHT NOW THAN TO STAY HERE AND ARGUE BACK AND FORTH WITH YOU, BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE TO GO TO WORK BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I EVER DO, IS WORK.
SO I'LL SEE ALL OF YOU LOVELY PEOPLE LATER, WHEN I GET HOME FROM WORK.
IT'S A NICE TRY, ROSEANNE, BUT GUILTING ME ISN'T GOING TO WORK! Roseanne: HEY.
HEY.
HEY, YOU GUYS HEY! HEY, FRED AND GINGER, THERE'S NO DANCING IN HERE.
WE AIN'T DANCING, WE'RE COOKING.
WELL, TURN OFF THE STOVE.
WE DON'T HAVE A CABARET LICENSE.
HEY! THAT'S THE THIRD TIME YOU GUYS BUMPED INTO ME, PAL.
YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? YOU THINK I'M AFRAID TO HIT HER? KNOCK IT OFF.
HEY, I AIN'T MESSING AROUND, ROSIE.
I'LL FLATTEN THAT BROAD.
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.
HEY, HONEY, I NEED YOU TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
WHO ARE YOU, MY MOTHER? WELL, IT COULD BE.
THE SIXTIES WERE SUCH A BLUR.
ROSIE, YOU NEED HELP WITH HER? SIT! HEY, LIZ WHAT? YOU GOT ANY QUARTERS? NO, ALL MY MONEY'S TIED UP IN REAL ESTATE.
SORRY, JOE.
HEY, IT COMES WITH THE TERRITORY.
YOU KNOW, I ONCE KILLED A GUY IN KOREA JUST BY PRESSING ON HIS THROAT.
UH-HUH.
YOU WANT TO COME HOME WITH ME TONIGHT, ROSIE? WELL, THAT'S A WONDERFUL OFFER, JOE, BUT I'M A MARRIED WOMAN.
NOT A HAPPILY MARRIED WOMAN, BUT A MARRIED WOMAN, NONETHELESS.
ARE WE PLAYING STRIP POKER, OR WHAT? ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S IT, TWINKLETOES! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOU AND YOUR HUSSY BUMPING INTO ME.
I'M GETTING REALLY TIRED OF YOUR MOUTH.
OH, YEAH? HEY, YOU GUYS WANNA TAKE THAT OUTSIDE? YOU WANT TO MAKE US? OH, GREAT.
BRING HIM INTO IT.
YOU'RE EVEN DUMBER THAN YOU LOOK! WHO YOU CALLING DUMB? HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
COME ON, GUYS.
COME ON, NOW.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? OHNOTHING MUCH.
JUST TWO GUYS TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER THERE.
HEY! COME ON.
COME ON, GUYS, BREAK IT UP.
I GOT IT, SARGE! HEY! BREAK IT UP! COME ON, BACK IT UP! Sergeant: COME ON, LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE.
GET IT OUTSIDE! HEY, ROSIE, DO YOU THINK YOUR SISTER MIGHT LIKE TO COME HOME WITH ME TONIGHT? ANDY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
BE HONEST WITH ME, WOULD YOU? SURE.
WHAT'S THE LONGEST YOU AND HELEN HAVE EVER GONE WITHOUT HAVING SEX? YOU MEAN WITH EACH OTHER? COME ON, MAN, I'M SERIOUS.
THE YEAR WE HAD PAULIE.
WE WENT MOST OF HOCKEY SEASON, RIGHT UP TO THE STANLEY CUP.
WHY? I DON'T KNOW.
OHH.
YOU HAVING PROBLEMS IN THE BOODIERE DEPARTMENT? IF YOU MEAN THE BOUDOIR DEPARTMENT, I GUESS.
NOT MAJOR, BUT I GUESS.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S WORKING A LOT.
I'M WORKING A LOT.
UH, DAN, YOU'RE NOT RINSING THEM RIGHT.
YOU GET A SPOT IF YOU DON'T RINSE THEM RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, FOR SOMEBODY WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE KING OF HIS CASTLE, YOU SURE KNOW AN AWFUL LOT ABOUT WASHING DISHES.
I'M ALWAYS WATCHING HELEN DO IT.
YOU DON'T THINK I'D TOUCH A DISH? ONLY WITH YOUR TONGUE.
ALL RIGHT, DANNY.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.
YOU SET THE ALARM CLOCK FOR 4:00 A.
M.
YOU WAKE HER UP.
YOU PUT ON A LITTLE JULIO IGLESIAS MUSIC.
THEN YOU TREAT HER TO A, UH, MOONLIGHT TANGO IN THE BUFF.
ANDY, I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU HERE.
WHAT, WHAT? SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT IN THE MORNING? ANDY, SHE GETS OFF OF WORK AT 2:30 A.
M.
I'M SUPPOSED TO WAKE HER UP AT 4:00 AND SAY ROLL OVER AND CHA-CHA? BUDDY, BUDDY, PAL, THE WORST THING TO DO IS THINK ABOUT IT.
THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THE MORE PRESSURE YOU FEEL.
THE MORE PRESSURE YOU FEEL, THE LESS SPONTANEOUS YOU FEEL.
AND IF YOU AIN'T SPONTANEOUS, HOW YOU GOING TO BE ROMANTIC? SO TELL ME, HOW BAD IS IT? LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
I'M HAVING PROBLEMS IN THE "BOODIERE" DEPARTMENT, AND I'M DISCUSSING IT WITH YOU.
YOU LOOK PRETTY SHARP BACK THERE, SIS.
YOU GOT ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING? NOT A CLUE.
BUT THAT'S ME LATELY.
LOST.
LOST IN THE FOG THAT HAS BECOME MY LIFE.
THE UNGRASPABLE CLOUD THAT IS MY EXISTENCE.
YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH, I'M FINE.
WHAT'S THE UNGRASPABLE CLOUD STUFF? NOTHING.
YOU GONNA STICK AROUND FOR A WHILE? YOU WANT ME TO? IF YOU WANT TO.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG, ROSEANNE.
I'M A COP AND WITHHOLDING INFORMATION IS A YOU KNOW, IT'S--IT'S BAD.
DAN'S BEEN WORKING A LOT MORE THIS WINTER.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT? YEAH.
WELL LIKE HE'S GOT THIS REALLY BIG JOB AT THIS RED VELVET MASSAGE PARLOR.
YOU KNOW? YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT THAT'S LIKE.
OH, HAVE YOU SEEN THE WOMEN WHO WORK DOWN THERE? THEY WALK AROUND IN THESE SEE-THROUGH BODY STOCKINGS AND TACKY LITTLE HIGH HEELS.
YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL A LOT BETTER.
I'M KIDDING.
I KNOW.
I KNOW, BUT, UH DAN, YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST BEEN UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE LATELY.
YOU KNOW? HE--HE'S LIKE PICKING AT ME FOR THE LITTLE TINIEST THINGS.
AND WE JUST WE GOT LIKE NO TIME TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WELL, YOU'RE BOTH WORKING LONG HOURS.
YOU'RE BOUND TO GET CRANKY.
YEAH, AND IT'S HAVING AN EFFECT ON US.
SURE.
HE GETS CRANKY, YOU GET CRANKIER.
WE'RE NOT HAVING SEX.
NO.
YES.
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN? WHAT MONTH IS THIS? HAVE YOU TRIED SETTING THE ALARM FOR 4:00 A.
M.
AND PUT ON A LITTLE JAMES BROWN? YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
WELL, WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT-- SEX OR SLEEP? WELL, I'M TOO TIRED TO ANSWER THAT RIGHT NOW.
I JUST THINK DAN HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME ANYMORE, YOU KNOW? I'M-- OHH.
IT'S LIKEI'M NOT, YOU KNOW I'M NOT TURNING HIM ON.
ROSEANNE, DAN LOVES YOU.
I DON'T KNOW.
JUST SOMETHING'S WRONG, YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE I'M DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO HE DOESN'T WANT TO KISS ME ANYMORE.
WAIT A SECOND.
HOW COME YOU AUTOMATICALLY THINK IT'S YOUR FAULT? WELL, IT'S BECAUSE IT IS.
WELL, HAVE YOU EVEN TALKED TO HIM ABOUT IT? NO! AND DON'T YOU SAY NOTHING TO HIM, EITHER.
'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW HE GETS IF I GO TELLING YOU ALL THIS PERSONAL STUFF.
YEAH, RIGHT.
LIKE I'M GOING TO GO TALK TO DAN ABOUT YOUR GUYS' SEX LIFE.
SHE THINKS YOU DON'T LIKE HER ANYMORE.
JACKIE-- NOW, YOU THINK WHAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND MY SISTER IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, SHE NEVER WOULD'VE MARRIED YOU.
WHAT DID SHE TELL YOU? SHE DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING.
IT'S JUST THAT SHE'S MY SISTER AND I KNOW HER.
WHY WOULD SHE THINK I DON'T LIKE HER ANYMORE? I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING-- NOW, I'M JUST THROWING SOME THINGS OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD HERE, BUT COULD IT BE THAT YOU'RE NOT MAKING LOVE TO HER? NO, IT COULD NOT BE THAT.
'CAUSE I CAN ONLY SAY THAT, SPEAKING AS A WOMAN, NOTHING HURTS WORSE THAN THINKING THAT THE MAN YOU LOVE ISN'T HOT FOR YOU ANYMORE.
DAN, I--I DON'T WANT TO BRAG, BUT I HAVE BEEN REJECTED BY MEN IN MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY WAYS.
BUTCUTTING OFF THE LOVE SUPPLY IS BY FAR THE CRUELEST REJECTION OF THEM ALL.
I DIDN'T CUT OFF THE LOVE SUPPLY.
SHE CUT ME OFF.
UH, BOTTOM LINE IS, IT'S LAUNDRY DAY, AND I DON'T SEE US THROWING ANY SHEETS IN THE MACHINE.
JACKIE, I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN, BUT WE CAN TAKE CARE OF IT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
UH, AS YOU SEE, I'VE GOT A LOT OF LAUNDRY TO DO.
WELL, BEFORE YOU WORRY ABOUT CLEANING UP THE REST OF THE HOUSE, I'D STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT IN THE BEDROOM.
JACKIE, I GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
DANSHE THINKS YOU DON'T FIND HER ATTRACTIVE, AND SHE'S BLAMING HERSELF.
CAN YOU WATCH THE KIDS FOR ME, AND WOULD YOU PUT THAT ON WARM/COLD? YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE I WILL MOVE TO BOSTON.
HEY.
HEY, ROSIE.
GET THE LADY A WHITE RUSSIAN, PLEASE? CAN I GET A BEER WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE? MY NAME'S TONY.
I'M IN NO HURRY.
DO YOU HAVE I.
D.
? THINK I LEFT IT OUT BY MY HARLEY.
I CAN GET IT IF YOU WANT.
QUICK.
WHAT YEAR WERE YOU BORN? UHUHUH'68.
OK, YOU'LL PASS.
NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE.
TONY, HUH? WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S ANTHONY, BUT THE GUYS THAT OWE ME MONEY CALL ME TONY.
MIND IF I ASK YOUR NAME? IT'S AMELIA.
AMELIA.
THAT'S A VERY PRETTY NAME.
IT'S MILLIE FOR SHORT.
MILLIE.
THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S NICE, TOO.
THIS IS A NICE TOWN, MILLIE.
YEAH, IT KIND OF GROWS ON YOU-- YOU KNOW, LIKE MOLD.
I LIKE IT HERE.
YOU'RE NOT FROM HERE? ACTUALLY, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME IN THE AREA.
WHAT DO YOU DO? A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING.
OH.
ONE OF THOSE INTERNATIONAL BANKER/ NEUROSURGEON/ TEST PILOT/COWBOY KIND OF GUYS, HUH? BASICALLY.
YOU'RE OUT KIND OF LATE FOR A WORKING MAN.
WELL, WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING, YOU GOT TO MAKE SACRIFICES.
YOU GOING TO STAY LONG? WELL, I WAS THINKING ABOUT HITTING THE ROAD SOON, BUT, UHI MIGHT BE CHANGING MY MIND.
CHANGING MY WAYS.
CHANGING MY STYLE.
CHANGING MY LIFE.
CHANGING YOUR SHORTS.
YOU GOT A NICE SMILE.
AND YOU HAVE THE WARMEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL EYES I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
REALLY? YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU MEET SOMEBODY, SUDDENLY YOU FEEL VERY CLOSE TO THEM, AS IF YOU'D KNOWN THEM YOUR WHOLE LIFE? YEAH.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? YEAH.
EVER HAPPEN TO YOU? NO, BUT I'M ONLY 20.
EVER HAPPEN TO YOU? YES.
WHEN? ABOUT THREE MINUTES AGO.
YOU FLIRTING WITH ME? I'M TRYING.
WELL, KEEP GOING.
WHAT TIME YOU GET OFF WORK? BAR CLOSES AT 2:00.
SCRAM, JOE.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WAS MARRIED.
I AM MARRIED.
I LOVE YOU, ROSEANNE.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, DAN.
I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, LIZZIE.
I NEED TO BE WITH YOU.
ARE WE PARKED CLOSE? REAL CLOSE.
GOOD.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL DO YOU WANT TO COME HOME WITH ME? GIVE ME A BREAK.