Rules of Engagement s02e11 Episode Script

Hey, guys.
What's up? Hey, honey, just talking about work.
He's talking about work.
I'm singing "Safety Dance" in my head, and I really wish I wasn't.
Hey, you know those new condos I told you about? Mm-hm.
They finally broke ground.
Yeah, now we need someone to design the sales brochure.
Oh, perfect.
Now it's "Kokomo.
" Hey, hey.
I just had a great idea.
Five bucks says it isn't great.
Well, let's have Jen do the brochure.
Ha-ha! I win.
Oh, come on, man.
She designs this sort of thing all the time.
She's good.
Look, this is an important client.
We can't just throw the job to some chick you're nailing.
I'm his fiancée.
And how does that contradict what I just said? I'm sorry, but this is not how people are hired in a professional business.
You hired an architect because she had a tongue ring.
No, no.
Hired that girl 'cause she had big cans.
The, uh, tongue ring was a filthy little bonus.
Now listen.
I'm doing you guys a favor.
I'm protecting you.
Couples should not work together.
It always ends badly.
Not always.
Oh, really? Every girl I've ever dated at work wound up getting fired.
Now these poor things were forced to live on their large harassment settlements.
Well, that's not gonna happen to us.
No.
We'll just separate home and work.
Yeah, we'll have Work Adam and Work Jen, and Home Adam and Home Jen.
Yeah, that'll be great.
See? There you go.
Problem solved.
Fine, I'll give it a shot.
I'd love to be proven wrong.
Like I was by seven juries.
Ah.
Hey, hey.
Oh, the version of you guys that still has hope is over there.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Guess what? Adam just got me some freelance work for his company.
Congratulations.
You're gonna work together? Good plan.
Ah! Damn it.
What's wrong? Hurt my shoulder playing softball.
Hm.
How'd it happen? Funny story.
It's not.
It's not funny.
In Ancient Rome, women took pride in their husbands' achievements on the battlefield.
In Ancient Rome, their husbands didn't injure themselves tripping over the pony keg at third base.
Thanks for blowing the end of my story.
Anyway, soaked my shoulder in the hot tub at the gym, but it's still sore.
Hot tub? Jeff, you know those are bad for your sperm.
Nice mealtime topic, Audrey.
Yeah, Audrey, it's kind of gross.
So, what's up with your sperm? I think you're making Jennifer uncomfortable.
Well, what's going on down there? I mean, are your guys weak, or is it failure to launch? I don't want to talk about my junk.
Jeez.
It's not a big deal.
They're our friends.
We had a fertility test a while back, and Jeff's boys were a little slow.
I didn't even know you guys were trying.
Well, we're trying to be trying.
The doctor gave Jeff a list of things he should do, like wearing loose underwear and taking supplements, and staying out of hot tubs.
Yeah, I've been doing most of that.
I just fell off the wagon a little bit.
What's "a little bit"? I may have forgotten to refill the supplements, and when I play softball, I wear tighty-whities.
Oh.
Are you kidding? I tried wearing boxers, but when I ran, it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants.
You're getting retested this week.
Don't you want to be at your best? Yes, that's why I switched to briefs.
I didn't want my guys all dazed and punchy from the beating they were taking down there.
Hey, does that affect your fertility? Because one time, when I was 12, I jumped off this diving board and landed right on my- Adam.
What? I was gonna say pool toys.
Man, did that hurt my balls.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Hey, what's up? Hey.
Hey, did you rearrange your furniture? Oh, yeah.
I "porn shuied" the whole office.
You what? I "porn shuied" it.
That's when you rearrange the furniture so no one can see what's on your computer screen.
"Porn shuied?" Yeah, I invented it.
You are a very deep guy.
And yet I don't mean to be.
Boy, imagine how successful you'd be if you focused more on work and less on porn.
Yeah.
We'll have to imagine that.
Anyway, there should be no spot in this room where people can see what I'm doing.
So here, you be me.
Sit down for a second and let me test this.
All right.
Oh, God.
Oh, grow up.
All right, I can't see the screen.
Good.
I can't see your hands, which is important for long meetings.
Oh, crap.
What? There's a reflection in that picture, and I'm getting a hint of an orgy.
All right.
Help me take this picture down.
Here, that's not going anywhere.
Help me take the picture down.
Hi.
Oh, hey.
What's up? Well, I know you and Jeff aren't having any luck getting pregnant, so I brought you something.
Oh, God.
Tell me there isn't a baby in that bag.
Heck no.
I brought you this.
Well, I feel bad.
I didn't get you anything ugly and slightly offensive.
No, it's a fertility idol.
It's been in my family for years, and everyone who gets it ends up pregnant.
Oh, honey, that's really sweet, but I don't really believe in that stuff.
Oh.
I know it sounds crazy, but 10 years ago, a doctor told my cousin she couldn't have kids.
She got this and two months later, pregnant with twin boys.
Really? Yeah.
Her husband was pissed 'cause he'd been out of town for six months, but that's not the idol's fault.
Okay.
I mean, I guess it can't hurt.
Unless I sit on it.
It's so exciting that you guys are trying.
I'm so happy for you.
Yeah.
That makes two of us.
Why? You think Jeff's not? Come on, you heard him.
The hot tub, the underwear.
Plus, he's missed his last two appointments to get retested.
I don't know.
I think he's lost interest in having a kid.
So talk to him.
Talk to Jeff about his emotions and how he feels? Yeah, it would be like trying to get turnip juice from a monkey's head.
What? It's a saying.
No.
It isn't.
Anyway, you were talking about Jeff.
I just- I've learned I can't force him to talk about his feelings.
I have to wait till he's ready.
Usually, the signal is when he says something like, "Hey, Aud, I've been thinking Ah, forget it.
" I'm hearing John Wayne.
Yeah, it's a fine line.
Hello, ladies.
That's just scary.
Hey.
This one of those things that's supposed to tie a room all together? No.
Heh-heh.
It's a fertility idol.
Jen says everyone who's ever gotten it has gotten pregnant.
Which is what we both want, right? Sure.
Now that we're resorting to magic, why don't I have David Copperfield wave his hands over my crotch? You know, I know it's silly, but at least I'm making an effort.
Hey, I'm making an effort not to laugh at that thing.
It's no stupider than your magic softball glove.
Audrey, the glove is not magic.
I am magic when I'm wearing the glove.
What are you doing in my office? Uh, just checking some e-mail.
My computer crashed.
Oh.
How much porn did you download? All of it.
Oh, crap.
There's Jennifer.
Better get this porn off your computer.
I thought you were checking e-mail.
Don't be stupid.
Surprise.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Thought I'd show you what I came up with for the brochures so you could give me feedback.
Oh, uh well, I got a meeting in five minutes, but I guess I could take a quick look.
Uh why don't you guys do this at home? Because this is a Work Adam and Work Jennifer thing, not a Home Adam and Home Jennifer thing.
Ai, ai, ai.
I hate all four of you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go download some, uh Oh, I don't know what I'm gonna do now.
All right.
What do you got? Well, I think you are really gonna like this.
So I wanted to do something exciting.
Something that would really set these condos apart.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I see where you're going here, but I'm just not sure about it.
What are you not sure about? The colors.
I- I think they're too loud for the client's image.
Well, maybe these colors could update their image.
I don't think the clients want to update their image, so I think you're gonna have to just tone all this down a bit.
I don't want to make it boring.
Heh.
Jen, we're not trying to sell the brochure.
The brochure is supposed to sell the condos.
The brochure is just a tool.
I get it.
A tool.
This is fun, us working together, huh? Super fun.
Dude, dude, dude.
I need to use your computer.
My friend in Hong Kong just called.
He said there's some new stuff going up right now.
Oh, dude, that's rough.
What else you got? Jeff, come on.
You don't want to be late for the doctor.
Well, I'm just having second thoughts.
Really? Something you want to talk about? Yeah, I guess.
Uh, for my fertility test, I was gonna go with the '84 Vanessa Williams.
I'm thinking '78 Bo Derek.
What does it matter, babe? It's gonna be over in five minutes anyway.
Babe, it's not about the destination.
It's about the journey.
Come on.
Let's go.
You know, I have a really good feeling about this test.
How about you? Yeah.
I think it's gonna go better than the others.
It's gonna be great.
Really? Yeah.
'Cause now I got "Porn-occhio" over here.
Let's go.
I was gonna rub him for good luck, but looks like somebody beat me to it.
Hey, Home Jen.
Hm.
I think I owe you an apology.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
Because today, this sexy graphic designer came to my office, and I was totally checking her out.
Oh.
Ha-ha-ha.
I was talking about you, you know.
Yeah, I got it.
Anyway, I'm glad you had a nice day, 'cause my day kind of sucked.
What? Why? Well, it turns out my new boss is kind of an assface.
Wait, that's me.
What'd I do? Oh, no, no.
This isn't about you.
This is about Work Adam.
A- All right.
What did he do? Well, I stayed up all night designing these great brochures, and he didn't say anything nice.
He just insulted me.
I did not.
I w- I was just running late to a meeting- No, no, no, no.
This is about Jerk Adam.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I meant Work Adam.
Oh, okay.
Let me tell you about my day.
This freelancer came into my office with these designs that I knew the client wouldn't like.
And I tried to help her- Oh.
You call that help? Oh, hey.
You don't know.
You weren't there.
Well, Work Jen told me.
Did she also tell you she can't take constructive criticism? Well, maybe that's because she has personal problems.
She's probably engaged to some assface.
Why are the results taking so long? Well, it has to be the doctor's fault, because me? I crushed my old record in there.
That's great, babe.
Shouldn't you be more concerned about the results? Of course, and I am.
That's good.
Yeah.
It's just that lately I've been thinking Ah, forget it.
No.
No, no, no.
What? Tell me.
Well, look, it's just that lately I've been feeling Whoa.
Chocolate Kisses.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, by the way, doc.
Thanks for suggesting the Vanessa/Bo tag-team combo.
That was a no-brainer.
You're all the same, aren't you? Hm? Anyway, I, uh wanted to double-check your results to be sure.
Is everything okay? Well, I don't know quite how to say this, but well, it appears that you've got Super sperm.
And the doctor actually used those words? Yes, he did.
It's like a koi pond down there.
Waitress, can you cancel my fish and chips, please? I thought your boys were slow.
Turns out they were just mild-mannered, like Clark Kent.
Jeez, what happened to the guy who didn't want to talk about his junk? This guy's been replaced by this guy.
I've got super sperm.
Yeah.
Well, that about kills the whole menu for me.
Well, I guess you don't have to worry about the hot tub and all that other stuff.
I guess not.
Who knows? Maybe that fertility idol had some mojo after all.
You know, that's where we're different.
In my bedroom, I have an anti-fertility idol.
Yeah, it's called your face.
Anyway.
Thank Jen for me.
Oh.
Yeah, well, Jen and I aren't really talking.
Uh, we're kind of fighting about working together.
Oh.
W-well, wait a second now.
No way.
Who could've seen that coming? Oh, I don't know: anyone who's lived anywhere ever.
Well, you know, Jen gets criticism all the time about her work, and she's fine, right? I make a few little comments, and she calls me an assface.
You kind of are.
Look, it's a common rookie mistake.
About 10 years ago, I brought Audrey on as my assistant for a month.
Or, as it turned out, the longest day and a half of my life.
Just a day and a half? Figured it was either lose a secretary or lose a wife.
Kicking yourself for blowing that call, aren't you, buddy? I might get something after all.
I'm just saying, sometimes it's best to cut your losses.
Hey, thanks for the advice.
Don't thank me.
It's my duty to help.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Hey.
There's my man.
Yes.
I thought we were gonna go to bed early tonight.
Where you been? Ah, I just got talking to Phil down the hall there.
About your test results? Of course.
Jeff, you told everyone in the doctor's waiting room, our cab driver, the doorman Bill Krawski in 7B.
Since when do you know the names of other people in the building? Since I found out that I have- No.
God, please don't say it again, please.
Super sperm.
You've had your fun, you've bragged about it.
Now it's time to put those boys to work.
All right.
You da man.
All right, you know what? I gotta take this.
Yeah.
It's important.
Jimmer, thanks for getting back to me so quickly.
Jimmer? That's important? Guess what part of me is faster than a speeding bullet? Come on, Jeff.
We- No.
No.
Bingo.
Oh.
Hey, honey.
Hey.
I think I've got a solution that will fix everything and make us both happy.
Really? What is it? You're fired.
What? You're fired.
Huh? Seriously, that's your solution? Working together was bad.
We need to cut our losses.
Fine, then you quit.
I was there first.
I'm not quitting.
Well, I'm not letting you fire me.
Fine, then you're not fired.
Good.
I quit.
I was just giving you constructive criticism.
The kind you get all the time.
Well, I didn't like getting it from you.
We shouldn't work together.
We shouldn't.
Damn it.
Russell was right.
Great, that's all we need.
God, I can hear him now.
"I don't want to call you stupid, but you kind of are.
" Hey.
You know, Russell won't know he was right if you make that presentation.
Well, I'd like to.
I mean, I did all that work.
Well, great.
So you gonna do it as is or with changes? I'll make your changes.
I mean, you are the boss.
You do know what the client wants.
And that's what I came up with.
Frankly, it's a little boring.
We were hoping for something bolder.
Something to update our image.
Really? I totally agree with you.
I'm such an assface.
You kind of are.
Hey dude.
I don't know if you had a hand in all this, but if you did thanks.
Oh, that can't be good.
Good as new.
Come on! What happened? I broke the idol.
What? Jeff.
That is Jennifer's.
I know.
Sorry.
I'll fix it.
Well, you better.
I know you thought that idol was a big joke, but you didn't have to go break it.
It was an accident.
You know me.
When things are going good, I don't change anything.
Yes, I know.
I remember that disgusting Mets winning-streak underwear.
I never should've let you wash those.
That cost us the World Series.
Now that the idol's broken it may cost me my super sperm.
Oh, yeah.
That would be a tragedy, wouldn't it? Then you couldn't brag to everyone about it.
Uh, that's not it.
Oh, then, was is it? I guess over the last few months I've just been feeling- Ah, forget it.
No, no.
No, no.
Just tell me.
I don't wanna! Just tell me how you feel- Frustrated! Good.
Why? Because I want us to have a baby, and it's not happening.
So you do want to have a baby? Yeah, of course.
Why would you even say that? Well, because lately you haven't seemed so excited about the whole thing.
Because it's not happening, and it's my fault.
Oh, honey.
No.
Lots and lots of things in this marriage are your fault but this isn't one of 'em.
Whatever happens, we're in this thing together.
Really? Yes, we are a team.
We're like the Mets.
Before or after you washed the underwear? Before.
Come on.
And, you know, if breaking that idol really did ruin your streak you better get to that bedroom quickly, before you lose your, uh- Can I say it? Yes.
Super sperm.
If I let you watch, will you forgive me? Hi.
I'm Crystal from IT.
I'm here to fix your computer.
Oh, my God.
Have I looked at so much porn that I somehow entered porn? Better run a little test.
So what are you gonna do here today? Uh service my hardware? Yes, I am.
That's my job.
Damn.
That was inconclusive.
Maybe the only way to know is to make a move on her.
Well, I hope you're good at your job, because maybe later you and I could- What the hell do you think you're doing? Still not sure.
Oh.
Oh! Not porn.