South Park s02e11 Episode Script

Well detective it looks like you fooled them again.
Well then it is work I guess.
I just hope that next time, I don't have to run so much.
Ok children, what do you think Barneby Jones meant when he said this is not a victimless crime? Anybody? Children, were you paying attention? Mr.
Garrison, we've been watching Barneby Jones repeats for 8 days now.
It's hard to keep paying attention.
Oh well excuse me Kyle.
Why don't you just forget what Barneby Jones has to say.
Why don't you not pay attention to Barneby Jones and let's see how far you get in society.
Ok Stanley, why don't you tell us how Barneby Jones knew the poison was in the milk.
Can't we just be like normal third graders for a little while? Oh, and what do you consider normal? I dunno, like learn about Art and Music and go on field trips and stuff.
Well Mr.
Smartypants, it just so happens we ARE going on a field trip tomorrow.
- To where? - To the planetarium.
- Planetarium sucks.
- Aw now what's wrong with the planetarium? - It's boring! - Yeah, all the constillations look alike! Well too bad.
You're all going to the planetarium tomorrow and you're all going to love it.
In the meantime we're going to watch episode number 203, Barneby Under Siege.
Oh sorry, I taped these at home so there's more commercials.
Hey kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs? Well Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid to sing the happy Cheesy Poof song.
Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country! I can sing the cheesy poof song! If you win, you can be picked to be in our next Cheesy Poof commercial! So remember I love cheesy poofs, you love cheesy poofs if we didn't eat cheesy poofs we'd be lame Ok children let's quiet down, so the bus driver can consentrate on the road.
That ain't how you do it! It goes like this! SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!!! Ow geezes lady! THERE'S THE PLANETARIUM!!! WATCH YOUR STEP ON THE WAY DOWN SO NOT TO HURT YOURSELF!!!!!! Ok children, now I'm going to remind you this is a planetarium.
Not a bancock bravo.
Let's behave ourselves.
Does your kid have what it takes to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer? - Hey there it is! - We're going around the country trying to find the kid who can sing the Cheesy Poof Song better than anybody.
I can sing the cheesy poof song with both hands tied behind my back! But I have to go sing the cheesy poof song for that talent vaaann!!!! No you have to in this building and see a bunch of stupid stars, now come on.
But I wanna sing the cheesy poof song!!! You guys seriously!!!! Hello children, my name is Dr.
Adams.
Welcome to the plane-arium.
- I thought it was planeTArium.
- Well it is, but I have a bone disease, which impedes me to pronounce the T in plane-arium.
That's a pretty weird bone disease.
Yes perhaps some day I can get a bone marrow transplant.
- Yes, little boy? - How long is that Cheesy Poof van gonna be outside? Well I don't know, but anyway boys and girls soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe.
- But first I wanna show you how the plane-arium works.
- As if we care.
- Hey, who are you? - That little Missy here runs the big projector for us.
- I love my work.
- Whoa dude, you're only as old as us.
Shouldn't you be in school? I love my work.
Come on, let's get into the plane-arium, shall we? Goodmorning children and welcome to the plane-arium.
We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe.
So I advise you to lean back in your chairs and get comfortable.
- This is stupid.
- And now I'm going to dim the lights, and let the stars - come out.
- Whoopee Here we see the constellation called the Big Dipper.
If I project the drawing of a big dipper on top of it, we see where the constillation gets its name.
These stars over here form the constellation of taurus, the bull.
While these stars form the constellation Roger Ebert.
And these two little stars over here form the constellation, the Crusades.
Now stars are actually made of hot gas.
Ah man screw this.
Now breath deep as the stars slowly start to move in little circles.
I know that you think plane-ariums are boring, but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that.
love cheesy poofs, if we didn't eat cheesy poofs we'd be lame.
That was great Tommy.
Tommy Fresc from Tory Pines, he could be our winner.
Excuse me but I do believe that sucked ass.
- Oh, and what's your name, little boy? - Eric Cartman.
Alright here's Eric Cartman giving it a shot.
Ahem I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs, if we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be laaaameee! I'm talking nightcourt in a thrift season laaameeahhh! Ah drop sucker on that! Well kids how did you like the planetarium? - Oh man I don't feel so good.
- Me neither, but I loved the planetarium.
- Me too! It was sweet! - Really? What did you like best about it? - I don't know.
I don't even remember what happened! - Wait a minute, where's Eric? - I did it! I did it! - Did what? - I got a callback for the cheesy poof song! -You snuck off and sang that stupid song? - Yeah dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow! - Goodbye children, thanks for visiting.
Don't forget we have laser rock shows tonight at the plane-arium.
This week is laser Kenny Logins and laser James Taylor.
- My head still feels funny.
- Yeah me too.
You guys, when I'm doing that Cheesy Poof commercial, I bet I get all the Cheesy Poofs I want.
- Like you really need it hippoass.
- It's sad how jealous you are Kyle, it really is.
-Ahh dude! Who the hell are you? - My name is - Van Gather - Van Gather? What the hell you doing on our bus? Mr.
Garrison there's some freaky kid from the planetarium on our bus! Oh great then I guess we'll have to go back.
No! Don't go back! No! - Hey be careful asshole! - Please don't take me back there! - Can'tcan't - Alright dude, mellow out, geez.
We better get him to the nurse's office, stacked! - Planetarium - I'll give him a pain killer.
That should calm him down.
No no no pain killer! I'll be ok! Oh um ok, Van Galder, I'm counselor Mackey, have you been smoking marijuna? Marijuana's bad, mmkay? Must tell the machine the machine is eee Well I've never seen anything like this.
What do you think Principal? - Well whatever happened to him, happened at the planetarium.
- Ahh planetarium! I think tonight the planetarium's doing laser Logins, I might have to check it out.
- Oh man this is boring.
- Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting? - Dude this is totally killer.
- I hope this goes on for 7 months or something.
You will not remember what happens here.
To remember it will cause incredible pain.
Incredible pain.
Incredible icky pain! - Dude, I'm totally tripping - Yeah, it's totally killer.
Today children we are going to learn about Japenese poems called haikus.
A haiku is just like a normal American poem except that it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid.
For example uh Where's Eric Cartman? - That's a haiku? - No I'm asking why Eric Cartman isn't at school.
- Was he on the school bus this morning? - No.
- Fatass Cartman was the school bus today what a big fat turd.
Oh, very good haiku Kyle.
Yes, haikus have five syllables, then seven, then five.
Kenny, can you give us another example? When I get blowjobs that I cum through discharging that's the way to fuck.
- What's a discharge? - Mr.
Garrison, since haikus suck so much ass, - can we go back to the planitarium again? - Yeah I wanna go to the planetarium again too! But you were just there, why do you wanna go again so soon? - Yeah, why DO we wanna go again so soon? - I dunno.
I just have this sudden urge to go back.
Well I guess we could go again since it's just down the street.
Well hello, it's all my little friends with all their little dreams.
- Eric, where have you been? - Let's see where have I been, where have I been - Where have you been Cartman? - Well I might have been over at the Cheesy Poof call back, winning regional championship! This is my regional championship certificate.
Do you like it? Hey, where's your regional champion certificate Clyde? Oh you don't have one? Hmm, did you have a regional certificate Wendy? No? Apparently only I do! Ass full of pork fat jiggles like a jello mold - mouth is flapping too.
- Your haiku insults have no affect on me Kyle.
- I'm regional champion.
- Does that mean you're gonna be on that Cheesy Poof commercial? It's between me and four other kids.
I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.
I bet you don't win they don't let big fatasses - perform on TV.
- Very good Kyle.
Shut your god damn mouth or else I'm gonnakick you.
squa.
in the balls asshole ah damn it! - Uh, how's he doing nurse? - He's stable.
But I still can't get any information out of him.
- I'm gonna sedate him now.
- No! No drugs! - Drugs are good, mmkay.
- Don't let them no planetarium - Why Van Gelder? - The machine isahh The machine is ahh? That's probably bad.
He's been talking about "the machine" for hours.
That and Daisy Fuentes.
Why America's Funniest Home videos?? Why?? Uh there's only one way to get any sense out of him.
- We're gonna have to try a mind melt, mmkay.
- A what? Well it's an ancient technique handed down from school counselor to school counselor.
- I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope.
- Well what will you need? Just time to prepare nurse.
Just time.
mmkay.
Well children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.
They just begged to come back, I couldn't get them to shut up about it.
Well I'm sure we're gonna have a marvelous time, won't we children? - Yes.
- This way please, enjoy your visit.
illions of stars and billions of galaxies make up our universe.
- Here you see pollarus, the dog star.
- I'm just gonna step outside and go wee-wee.
Certainly Mr.
Garrison.
You love the planetarium.
To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain.
All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive! To not do so makes your stomach ache with needle like sta .
.
and right over here we see the constillation orion.
Orion's belt is made up of three stars.
- Dude, what just happened? - What do you mean? Come on, we gotta get out of here before something bad happens.
- Don't pick your nose, hon.
- I wasn't picking it, I had a itch for cryin out loud.
- Don't be nervous, I'm sure you'll win.
- I dunno, there's a lot of competition here.
You think I might win, mommy? I hope so honey.
Then perhaps we can eat for a little while.
- Hey look they're giving away bread outside! - Did you hear that mommy? Come on perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs! Sike! What the hell are you boys doing, you're supposed to be in there.
Mr.
Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is Goodbye children, thanks for coming.
- I wanna go again.
I wanna go again! - Oh for pete's sake Clyde, you just went.
Well Clyde, if you like the plane-arium so much, perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here.
- Yes, yes please! - Me too I wanna do it! - Mr.
Garrison? - Well I guess I could give them extra credit for it.
Excellent! Why don't we step over here and I'll show all you children how to volunteer? - Dude, this isn't right.
- Why? - We're kids dude.
We don't volunteer for anything.
Come on, we gotta see what's going on in there.
Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.
Kenny you go out there and tell us what you see.
He hits this switch.
I don't see it.
- You see? Nothing dude, just a bunch of stars.
- Yeah, I guess so.
Oh dude! - What does that do? - I dunno.
Kenny what's it doing? It says "maximum".
- Oh my god! We've killed Kenny! - We're bastards! - Dude I told you something was up with this place! - We gotta go tell somebody quick! and GOand Bingo was his name-o.
Once a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o.
And Bingo was his name-o.
Once a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o.
and Bingo was his naaamme-o.
Thank you, uh Peter, we'll let you know very soon.
- Next will be uhEric Theodore Cartman.
- Hello everybody! - Now just do it like we rehearsed hon.
- I know I know.
She was hogged by the money! So hogged by her honey! She was hogged by the money on the street hooray! She was all about the money! So hogged by her honey! She was hogged by the money so you better treat her right Well Eric Cartman, that certainly was - insane.
- Thank you.
- We'll let you know.
- Thank you.
- Don't pick your nose, hon.
- I'm not picking it ma! God damn it I had a itch! Geezes, where do we find these people? Our minds are one.
Mmkay.
Our thoughts are one.
mmkay.
This is the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Please nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head, you're not being very openminded.
Open your mind, to your counselor.
Open your mind.
- Doctor Adams - Yes - He owns the planetarium, what about him? - He uses the machine.
The star machine.
Mmkay.
He uses it to erase minds.
- But why? - Planetarium.
About to go out of business.
- Adams had to create slaves to survive.
- My god this is amazing! Please nurse you're throwing off my ching, mmkay? We certainly would like to congradulate all our finalists.
Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize and, - unfortunately that finalist is Eric Cartman.
- Yes! I'm the best! You were actually our last choice, but the other children had unexpectedly taken jobs as volunteers at the planetarium.
- That's odd.
- Sweeet! It appears that more and more South Park residents are dicovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium.
Here with a special report is a 34 year old Asian man who looks strikingly simila to Recardo Montebon.
Thanks Tom, yes indeed the planetarium has become very popular as word spreads, it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected.
- I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr.
Adams.
- Thank you, I'd like to open an invitation to all South Park residents, to come see a special free show this evening.
I guarantee, it'll change the way you think about the plane-arium.
So bring the whole family to the planeTArium, for a night of excitement and wonder.
And then we turned the dial and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis.
That's a pretty far fetched story, boys.
- But it's true dude! - Are you boys just sure you're not making this all up? - Yeah, pretty sure.
- Well just as soon as I handle all the other crime in South Park, I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium so I can prove that nothing's wrong.
What other crime in South Park? Oh yeah, let's go.
- Ok, let's shoot the commercial.
Where's our cheesy poof talent? - I'm over here! Oh you look great hon! Mommy's fat little piggy! - Let's hurry, this costume is hot.
- Ok roll camera, and action.
I love cheesy poofs, you love cheesy Oh wait! Wait! You've got a little eye buger hon.
- Oh mom for pete's sake! - Got it! - Aaand Action! - I love cheesy poofs - Hold it! Cut! Can we get some more light on that backdrop? - Sure thing! - Oh man.
Come on! - Got it! Ok here we go and action.
I love cheesy poofs, you love cheesy poofs - Cut! - What?! - I'm not liking the shoes, can we change the shoes? Oh god damn it! Oh hello officer of the law.
- Hello Mr.
Planetarium operator.
- What brings you out here? Well these boys seem to think you're some kind of sick weirdo that's got a master plan to screw with the minds of everyone in town.
- Oh really.
- Yeah, I just thought I'd come show them around.
So they know there's nothing to be scared of.
- Actually this is a pretty inopportune time.
- Ok, I'll be quick then.
Of course officer.
Come on in.
- Hello children.
- Oh no! They got Chef too! - Welcome to the planetarium.
- Well it's nice to see you finally got a real job Chef.
- I love my work.
- I know what you mean.
I've always loved the planetarium too.
- Would you like to see the stars officer? - NO! - That would be super dooper! Don't do it officer Barbrady! - Hi grandma, it's me Eric.
- Oh hello Eric.
Grandma sure has missed you! I just wanted to remind you I'm gonna be on Television Tonight, so be sure to watch.
Oh I will Eric.
You know I remember when I was a little girl and had my first talent show audition - Ok bye.
Hello, the Marshes aren't in right now, please leave a message.
Stan, I'm gonna be on TV tonight, be sure to watch.
Hello, you've reached the Broslofski's.
Please leave a message.
Where the hell is everybody? I'm gonna be on TV tonight, you guys better not miss it.
- And this is the constillation called Casiopia.
-Oh neato.
And now officer, from this moment on, you will think that you are Elvis Presley.
- To not be Elvis will cause you great pain.
- Pain.
You see children, there's no stopping me.
Even your highly intelligent policeman are no match for me.
- He's not highly intelligent.
- Why are you doing this, dude? Why? Because nowadays kids have computers, surround sound television.
They've forgotten all about plane-ariums.
But I'll make them remember! Starting with the two of you! Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these announcements.
- Oh dude here it comes! - Packed full of ingredients, Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick me up.
- So remember - I love cheesy poofs, you love cheesy poofs.
If we didn't eat cheesy poofs, we'd be Lame.
And now back to Terrance and Phillip.
Yes yes that was me!!!! I was on television!!! Ah hah! Caught you red-handed! Mmkay.
- Mr.
Mackey! - Officer Barbrady, this man is using some kind of mind control.
What's wrong with him? - Oh no, apparently he thinks he's Charlton Heston.
- No you idiot! He thinks he's Elvis! Elvis, escort our guests to the plane-arium.
Oh, if you wouldn't mind, would you please follow me? Let's begin, shall we? And now you will remember nothing! Except that the plane-arium is the best thing you've ever known.
Well well well, you guys can now kiss my ass because I was on Television! Ay didn't you guys see it? I was on television! You missed it! You missed it because of this stupid planetarium! Planetariums suck ass!!!! - Cartman, you saved us.
- What the hell are you talking about? Get over here and untie us.
Eric, you really saved the day, mmkay.
Not so fast there tubby.
I'm just takin care of business.
Think hard Elvis.
You're not really the king of rock and roll.
You're a fat stupid worthless policeman in a small town, mmkay? Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death counselor! Oh my god! Dr.
Adams! - He got a full dose of the stars.
- Yeah, with nobody around to say anything.
Can you imagine it Stan.
A mind emptied by that thing.
Wow, what a day this has been, I was on TV and I'm a hero.
- Don't pick your nose hon.
- GOD DAMN IT I WASN'T PICKING IT I HAD AN ITCH!!!