The Golden Girls (1985) s02e11 Episode Script

Rose? Dorothy? Sophia? The coast is clear.
Come on in, Ed.
My roommates are out shopping, so we have the place to ourselves.
It's time to find out who's naughty or nice.
Didn't you have the best time Christmas shopping, Dorothy? I loved it.
Being pushed and shoved all day to buy gifts I can't afford.
It's a regular Yuletide treat.
- You've been grouchy all day.
- I'm sorry, Rose.
I'm sad because Christmas doesn't have a meaning anymore.
It's so commercial.
How can you say that? The three wise men in Burdines' nativity scene were wearing Ralph Lauren ski parkas.
Catch me, catch me, catch me.
Let me take a wild guess.
You didn't expect us home this early.
- I'd like you to meet - We know who he is, Blanche.
Santa, how could you? Rose, this is Ed Kletner.
He works at the mall.
He's on his break.
Santa is never off duty, mister.
In that uniform, the only thing on your mind should be giving people what they want for Christmas.
He was trying to, Rose.
I saw Blanche's list.
Get your cap, get your beard and get moving.
Rose.
I had to wait for a hour to sit on his lap.
Tough holly.
- What would Mrs Claus say? - Not to mention Mrs Kletner.
- Who was that? - He's a Santa Claus.
You're kidding.
I thought it was Fidel Castro.
- What was he doing here? - Blanche picked him up at the mall.
I can't help it.
A man in a Santa Claus suit drives me absolutely crazy.
Maybe it's the warmth of all that red, hot, sweaty flannel.
Set against the austere coldness of those black patent leather jackboots.
Or maybe it's because those rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes bespeak a passion about to erupt from a man who spent a Ionely year cooped up with dwarves.
I'm not sure.
But the sight of a Santa sets my body aflame with unbridled desire.
Blanche, you do realise you're in the minority on this? - Did you finish your shopping? - Yeah, just about.
It's unbelievable how much things cost.
I just spent $89 for a doll for my granddaughter.
Ma, you had $89? Don't be ridiculous.
I charged my gifts with your credit card.
You're taking them back.
Even the beautiful cashmere sweater I got for Blanche? Cashmere? I love cashmere.
Don't tell me.
Tell Scrooge.
Rose, I hope you didn't have your heart set on a video recorder.
You bought me a video recorder? I bought you a video recorder.
Two video recorders? This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
How did you think I'd pay for all this? On time.
Loosen up the mousetrap a little.
It's Christmas.
You see what this holiday has become? You see? Everybody thinks you show someone you care by going into debt.
Where is the love? Where's the sharing? Where is the true spirit of Christmas? Neiman Marcus, ladies' apparel, third floor.
Maybe you're right, Dorothy.
I've spent too much again this year.
Girls, I have a terrific idea.
Before we go home to spend Christmas with our families, why not have a celebration right here? St.
Olaf style.
I will not drink eggnog while wearing a cast-iron brassiere.
We don't do that at Christmas.
We do that at Easter.
At Christmas we exchange gifts we make for each other.
Rose, that is a great idea.
We'll return all those meaningless impersonal gifts that we always buy for each other and make something that comes from the heart.
- That's a terrific idea.
- What do you say, Ma? Unless you make a lamb's-wool jacket with a fake fur collar, my heart stays with Neiman Marcus ladies' apparel, third floor.
This one's from me, Dorothy.
They're popular back home.
It took me a week to whittle it.
Rose.
- Do you like it? - Like it? Honey, I love it.
Who wouldn't love a wooden brooch in the shape of a turkey's head? No, that's a maple syrup spigot.
You know what she took back? Pearl earrings.
- The ones I fell in love with? - Yep.
Ho, ho, ho.
Ma.
Who cares? Rose, I love it.
This'll come in a lot handier than pearl earrings, when I'm lost in the woods with a stack of pancakes.
Dorothy.
I wanna give you all my gift next.
I thought this was such a cute idea, I made the same for each of you.
Here.
Sophia.
"The Men Of Blanche's Boudoir.
" It's a calendar.
Each month has the picture of a man who's brought some special joy into my life.
Blanche.
Honey.
This is so thoughtful.
- September? - Yep.
I'm surprised you could walk in October.
Just think, girls, tomorrow's Christmas Eve, and we'll be back home with our families.
There's nothing like Christmas in Minnesota.
Unless it's Christmas in New York.
A light snow falling over Fifth Avenue, ice skaters at Rockefeller Center, Santas on every street corner.
Really? I guess my very favourite Christmas ever was in New York.
It was Christmas, 1932.
You remember, Ma? Do I remember? No.
My family doesn't stay in touch during the year, but come Christmas we all manage to make it back home.
I guess that's what Christmas is all about.
- I'm looking forward to it.
- I guess we all are.
We should get some rest.
We have a big day tomorrow.
I have to work in the morning.
Can you girls pick me up? No problem, honey.
Coming to bed, Ma? I thought I'd sit and look at the tree.
It sure is beautiful, isn't it? - I think I'll keep you company.
- That's a good idea.
I hate to see a pleasant evening end.
Me too.
The first Noel The angels did say - W - Did I ever tell you about One Christmas we tried to launch a production of A Christmas Carol with an all-chicken cast.
- Look at the time.
- Is it that late? I'm so tired.
Mr Thurber, I don't understand your problem.
Then I guess I don't have one.
Mr Thurber, this is a crisis center.
I'm a trained counsellor.
Don't be embarrassed about opening up to me.
Whatever's bothering you, I know I can help you.
OK.
In the past week, I've lost my job, my wife, my girlfriend, my house, my car and all my money.
And then just today I've seriously gotten into playing with matches.
You'll have to have the professional services of Dr Escobar.
He'll be back from lunch soon.
Why don't you have a seat.
Mr Thompson.
You're next.
Excuse me.
Rose, let's go.
Ma's waiting in the car.
I'll only be a minute.
Have a seat.
Hello.
Hello.
Do you have a match? I think so.
Let's see.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Have you ever looked at fire? I mean, really looked at it.
It's beautiful.
It's amazing to think how much damage it could do if it fell into the wrong hands.
Rose are you going to be very much longer? Not now, Dorothy.
This man is very down about his financial situation.
He was a principal backer of Howard The Duck.
Going somewhere for Christmas? Yes, I'm going home to see my family.
I wish I was going somewhere for Christmas.
But my family disowned me.
They're embarrassed because I'm an artist.
What kind of artist? An unsuccessful one.
I haven't sold a painting in a year.
I haven't eaten in a week.
I burned my brushes just to stay warm.
That must have been beautiful.
I hate to see an artist suffer.
Look here, $20.
You have Christmas dinner on me.
Go on.
I'll see you after the first of the year.
And happy New Year.
- Right, I'm ready to go.
- Thanks for the money.
- Did you give Mr Meyer money? - Yes, he's a starving artist.
He owns the most successful wide-size shoe store in the city.
He's a pathological liar.
- I am not.
- See? Who cares? Come on, Rose.
We're gonna be late.
Merry Christmas.
Hello there, tall, dark and jolly.
Blanche, maybe you should talk to a counsellor, too.
Look.
Santa's come to spread some Christmas cheer.
Great.
Good luck with these Gloomy Guses.
Hold it.
No one's going anywhere.
We don't want to give you trouble.
Take our money.
I'm not here to rob anybody.
I'm Santa's helper for God's sake, give me a break.
What's this all about? I wanted to share an old-fashioned Christmas with others.
At gunpoint? Would you spend Christmas with me if I just asked you? No.
Well Why would you want to spend Christmas with a bunch of total strangers? Has to be better than spending it alone.
See, Christmas for me is Christmas has always been rotten and Ionely as long as I can remember.
I always have the Christmas spirit, but no one notices.
I never get gifts, cards, dyed eggs.
- Dyed eggs? That's Easter.
- Another rotten holiday.
Get away from the door.
That's it.
Why don't we get this celebration on its feet? Let's sing Christmas carols.
Does everybody know "Silent Night"? Know it? I wrote it.
- You did not.
- Yes, I did.
I'll prove it.
Silent night Holy night What an honour.
I want to shake your hand.
Move it.
We'll miss our plane.
What can we do? I'll create a diversion by picking up something seductively, and you two sneak up and give him a karate chop.
Blanche, what do we look like? Charlie's Angels? I have been told I bear a striking resemblance to Miss Cheryl Ladd.
Although my bosoms are perkier.
Not even if you were hanging upside down on a trapeze.
Excuse me.
Did you know that that guy who wrote "Silent Night" was the original choice for Potsie on Happy Days? How the mighty have fallen.
This place is always filled with such nice people.
Years ago, when I had a problem, coming here always used to cheer me up.
That's why I decided to spend Christmas here.
Let's get to the presents.
I brought enough for everybody.
We'll miss going home because of him.
There's nothing we can do.
OK, here's your presents.
I really hope you like them.
- We don't want your presents.
- But it's Christmas.
- Not for us.
You've ruined it.
- Rose.
I'll handle this, Dorothy.
I'm not surprised that you spend Christmas by yourself.
You know why? You don't know what Christmas is all about.
People don't owe you a nice Christmas because you decided that's what makes you happy.
You can force us to stay here all night, but I'll be damned if you'll force us to celebrate this joyous holiday with you.
I've been sitting in the car for half an hour.
What am I, a dachshund? Ma, be careful.
He has a gun.
This is a toy.
He has been holding us hostage with a toy gun? I can't believe it.
Dorothy, you call yourself an Italian? You can't tell the difference between a toy and a real piece? I feel so ashamed.
Everything you said about me is true.
I'm a loser.
You're not a loser, you just need some help.
Maybe you're right.
Mrs Nylund, a lot of what you said applies to me, too.
My whole life has been one lie after another.
I realise now I was doing it just to get attention.
I think it's time for me to stop.
Mr Meyer, that's wonderful.
Marvellous.
Let's go.
I could've walked to New York by now.
Dr Escobar, I'm so glad you're here.
I don't have time to explain, but this gentleman would like to talk to you.
Merry Christmas.
Dr Escobar? We should talk, too.
Dr Rooney from the Mayo Clinic.
I'll fill you in on the particulars of this case.
Good Lord, we made it.
Girls, I don't know what to say.
Say goodbye.
Our plane leaves in five minutes.
Goodbye.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Sophia.
Have a wonderful time.
- Bye-bye.
- I'll miss you like crazy.
Bye.
Merry Christmas.
Bye.
Ladies and gentlemen, due to the severe storm front in the area, all flights in and out of Miami International Airport have been cancelled until 6am tomorrow.
Have a merry Christmas.
Excuse me.
Would you like to buy a flower? Beat it, chrome dome! And while you're at it, get a job, get a suit, get on your knees and beg your mother's forgiveness.
I am chilled to the bone.
I've never seen it this cold in Miami.
That storm is getting worse.
It was at its worst when we ran out of gas and had to run two blocks in the rain.
I appreciate everyone leaving me stranded after my heel fell off at that intersection.
Good evening, ladies.
Welcome to Albert's Diner.
- I'm Albert.
Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.
- Just a cup of coffee, please.
- Sure.
Coffee all around? I'd like hot apple cider with a cinnamon stick.
Lady, does this look like Knott's Berry Farm? - Coffee'll be fine.
- Coffee.
I ever tell you I met my husband George on Christmas Eve? Blanche, how exciting.
Let me tell you how exciting a Christmas Eve can be.
I was home on Christmas vacation when my best friend fixed me up with the most beautiful boy.
George.
No, this was Richard J.
Wild.
Believe me, his name said it all.
We must have pulled over five times on our way to that dance.
It's always best to drive defensively over the holidays.
Anyway, when we got to the dance, Richard dropped me off, and I ran smack into a man so gorgeous, he made Richard J.
Wild look like a prepubescent choirboy.
- George.
- No, no, no, Ernie Willis.
Ernie smiled, and the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar.
All of a sudden I heard a voice say, "May I cut in?" It was the man I knew I'd spend my life with.
George.
No, no, Thomas Penville.
Thomas and I left the bar Blanche, I could get herpes listening to this story.
At what point in the evening did you finally meet George? I didn't meet George until the next Christmas Eve.
That was a boring story.
I said I'd tell an exciting story.
Ladies, I hate to see people just drink coffee.
It's Christmas.
Please have some cheesecake on me.
- How very sweet of you.
- My pleasure.
I'm depressed.
I don't even want this cheesecake.
Are you ladies having a bad Christmas? - The worst.
- I'm a little down myself.
It's tough working on Christmas Eve.
I'd like to be with my family.
We know.
We can't be with our families.
You all are not related? - No.
- Really? The way you were teasing and talking, I thought you were family.
Isn't that something? Isn't it funny how sometimes it takes a total stranger to point out something that's been right there in front of your face? We were feeling so sorry for ourselves, we forgot we are celebrating Christmas with family.
Merry Christmas, Rose.
Merry Christmas, Blanche.
Merry Christmas, Dorothy.
- Merry Christmas, Blanche.
- Merry Christmas, Rose.
What the hell is this, the Waltons? So we're a family a family stuck in a diner on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, but at least we're together.
I know I'm feeling better.
My craving for cheesecake has returned.
Wish there was something we could do for that man.
Maybe there is.
Excuse me.
Yes, ma'am? How would you like to go home and spend Christmas Eve with your family? - I'd love to, but - If you trust us, we'd be happy to watch the place.
- Can you cook? - Are you black? I promise I'll be back in less than an hour.
- Thank you and merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Girls, you know what this cheesecake is missing? Chocolate syrup.
- I wonder if he has any.
- I'll look in the back.
- My God.
I don't believe it.
- What? - Take a look.
- That's snow.
It's kinda light and whippy, but it is snow.
A white Christmas in Miami? Can you beat that? This calls for some Christmas music.
I pushed the wrong button.
Rose, don't worry about it.
Somehow, this Christmas it fits.