Family Guy s02e12 Episode Script

All right, we're gonna use a fan brush here.
I want you to take some hunter green, and we're gonna put a happy little bush down here in the corner.
And that'll just be our little secret.
And if you tell anyone that that bush is there I will come to your house and I will cut you.
Aw, jeez.
Mine doesn't look anything like his.
Ah, the hell with it.
It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Ha! Boy, you throw like a fishwife.
Come on, ya hairy, lubbin', friggin' rod.
Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman? No way! Argh! Argh! Oh, for the love of Pete! Oh! - I'm good.
- Oh, how fun.
And it's for a good cause.
All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks.
Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of Quahog, Adam West.
- (applause) - Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mm.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder Miles "Chatterbox" Musket set sail for the new colony of Rhode Island.
You know what I'm gonna do when we get to shore? First, I'm gonna have a snack.
No, no, no.
Shower first, snack second.
I hope I see Indians! Think they'll have American cheese? (mayor) Ever the free thinker, Miles was thrown overboard for speaking his mind.
He was as good as dead.
But, as legend has it, he was saved by a magic clam, who brought him to shore and shared the vision of a new colony, which would be called Quahog.
There are fields for tilling, woods for timber, and always the bounty of the sea.
Look at all this sand! Do you know there are beaches with black sand? - Did I not pack my towel? - Are you listening? I'm trying to help.
And help he did.
Thanks to the clam's leadership, Quahog became a great and prosperous settlement.
But relations between Miles and the clam soon soured.
I know he's an Indian, but what kind of a name is Squanto? - Leslie or something like that would be nice.
- Shut up! Just shut up! God! Keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! Here, look what I'm doing.
All right? Look, watch this.
Huh? Look.
See that, see that? Now try it with me.
Huh? OK? OK? (sobs) (sighs) Things only got worse.
Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam.
I was awake last night, Miles.
I saw you.
I think it's time for me to go.
I'll send for my things.
Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry! (wails) Miles never spoke again.
But every year until his death - from a combination of tuberculosis and a tomahawk to the head - he went to the shore on this day in hopes that the magic clam would return.
Today we citizens of Quahog continue this tradition.
What's that? Something out at sea? Clam ho-o-o-o! - They're giving your cue, Peter.
- (gasps) Whose idea was it to make the suit out of foam rubber? It's such an honour to play the magic clam.
Aren't you proud of your dad, kids? Are you kidding? God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father.
- Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! - Whoa! Come back here.
You're not going out with all that make-up on.
- But, Dad - Upstairs! You're a McDonald, not a whore.
(huffs) I think I got a wave here! (crowd gasps) Huh.
So that's what Peter's penis looks like.
How could you embarrass me?! Nobody better pull this crap at my slumber party.
Don't worry.
You and your friends are gonna have a great time.
Yes, yes, how delightful it will be.
A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers Oh, we'd better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot.
Shut up.
Just leave me and my friends alone tonight.
Meg, will you relax? None of us are gonna do anything to embarrass you.
Jeez, I gotta get gas.
Hey, any of you guys want a soda? I'm gonna go inside and get a soda.
Mom! Meg, you know your father loves you very much.
- Mr Griffin? - Oh, my God.
Hey, Meg, it's Kevin from next door.
I didn't know you worked here.
Hey, Kevin, come here.
Come here! Say hi to Meg.
She's right in there, right there.
(Meg groans) OK, I'd put Brad Pitt's face on Brendan Fraser's body with Ben Affleck's butt.
- (all scream and giggle) - My turn, my turn.
I'd take James Brolin's face, Mark Spitz's body, and Milton Berle's legendary genitals.
Ah! - Mom, what are you doing? - I love slumber parties.
OK, truth or dare.
Who here has gone all the way? Hm? At my sleepovers, we used to practise French kissing.
Now, everybody pair up.
- (Chris) All right, Mom! - Chris, get outta here right now! - Um I can't.
- OK, finish up and then come out.
Lois, have you seen my fake beard? Oh, crap! I'm stuck in the stairs.
Oh, God, kill me now.
(phone) Hello.
Karen! All right, Meg, I need you to boil some water.
Girls, I'm gonna need towels.
Lots of 'em.
- OK, let's go.
- Oh, jeez.
I'm sorry, Meg's friends.
Look, I'll make it up to you.
I'll get you Davy Jones for your school dance.
- Ow! Ah, jeez! Lois, what is that? Acid? - You guys are ruining my life! I'm sorry, honey.
I know how you must feel.
If you care about me, you won't show your faces for the rest of the night.
Well, then it's a good thing I have this.
(imitates Richard Nixon) I am not a crook.
Look, I mean it.
All of you.
Oh, God, where's Stewie? Well, Beth, what do you think? Does Mark find you attractive? - (giggles) I don't know.
- Well, have you asked him? Not exactly.
All right, let's try some role-playing.
I'll be Mark.
You ask me out to the box social or whatever the devil it is you children do these days.
(Lois) Peter, don't! God, your hand is like ice! Just here.
Give it to me.
Ooh, that'll warm it up a little.
(giggles) Oh, that's nice.
(Peter) Oh! Oh! Oh! - Peter, wait till - Sha shaargh! (sighs) Oh, Peter.
- Argh! - Argh! - What happened to your friends? - My family scared them away.
I wish there was some way I could make them understand how embarrassing they are.
Welcome back to "Diane!" Erica, it's time for Mario's little confession.
Erica, you know I love you, but I gotta come clean.
I'm I'm not really a man.
I'm a woman.
Oh, my God.
You're a woman? Well, actually, I'm not really a woman.
I'm a horse.
Oh, my God.
You're a horse? Actually, I'm not really a horse.
I'm a broom.
OK, OK.
So, how do you feel? To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised.
Man, this is a great show.
They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside 'em.
Like this one guy, didn't know he was actually two midgets.
Oh, those poor, unsuspecting people.
Well, maybe some of them deserved it.
Hello, and welcome to Diane! Today's guest is tired of being embarrassed by her family.
- Meg, how did you get these tickets again? - Let's bring them up right now.
Whatever problems we have can be settled in the privacy of - (Diane) The Griffin family.
- (laughs) Suckers.
Uh-oh.
And we're back.
Griffins, do you have anything to say to your daughter? I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg.
Maybe now I won't give you the antidote.
- To what? - To the poison you just drank! See what I mean? This is not normal.
You there, Bingo.
It seems the naughty baby has made a messy-poo in his I say, what's this? Volume.
Volume! Look, what's the big deal? I mean, we're just a regular American family.
We have family dinners, and we go to church Yeah, and you even manage to humiliate me there.
- Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ? - Yes.
Man! That guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh? We have a caller on the line.
Go ahead.
(Stewie) Yes.
Yes.
I say, do you have Prince Albert in a can? Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Well, you'd better let him out! That's hilarious! Meg, you have two parents who love you and What does that say under me? Oh, go (bleep) yourself, Diane.
- (audience gasps) - She said a swear! Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling? Who are you callin' Uncle Tom?! - What? - OK, time out.
This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences.
Just shut up and throw a chair.
- OK.
- Argh! Hm.
Uh-oh.
Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning! Don't worry.
I'll put it out.
(imitates siren) - (laughs) - Hey, great show out there.
If you want an autograph, you either gotta give me a pen or get me some snow.
I look at you and I see a series.
We would like to put cameras in your house and follow the drama that is your family.
Kinda like The Real World.
All right! Then everyone'd get to see me and my wacky antics.
Bleh! - So, do we have a deal? - Let's shake on it.
Mom, are we on TV right now? Yes, Chris.
Your father signed a contract, and now we're gonna be on TV for the next six months.
How could you do this? You turned my life into the 24-hour Loser Channel.
You! Cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter.
If it makes her look half-human, it'll take six months off my face.
Um I I find the toothpaste with a pump is a little easier to get on the brush.
Um you might have noticed my underwear has a hole in it.
It's you know I don't see any reason to throw it out.
The waist is still fine, you know You can see it's still real stretchy.
Mom, you have to do something! Dad's on TV parading around in his underwear like some gross European guy! Oh, now, sweetie, your father is just a free spirit.
Here.
A good breakfast is the foundation of a good day.
And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion.
Hey-oh! Hi.
I'm Brian.
What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? Make it again! Ah, the breakfast thing.
Yes.
It wasn't even about the eggs, really.
Frankly, I like the yolks.
I don't I have no problem.
It's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just I want her not to be alive any more.
I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself "My God! Wouldn't it be marvellous if I turned out to be a homosexual?" One time my dad pooped in the neighbours' yard, then lied about it.
I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up.
Wow! Joe, this sort of makes you like Larry from Three's Company.
You know, I always thought he was sexy.
Yes! I am all about Larry over here! Um, on Sundays we generally catch the early-bird special here at the Lobster Shanty.
There's fresh seafood, good prices.
- Plus it's a shanty.
- And you get to pick your own lobster.
Yes.
That one looks like he's got some fight in him.
Take off the rubber bands! I'm going in.
Oh, my God, it is them! I can't believe the Griffins eat here like everyday people.
We're, like, trying to eat here.
- Meg, put your bib on.
- I don't wanna wear a bib.
Meg, honey, it's very cold in here.
Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
- She means your nipples are stickin' out.
- Mom! Nipples! Nipples! That's it! I want those cameras off! Fourth wall! You're breaking the fourth wall! Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Well, now I am getting us off TV.
I quit.
Hm.
This isn't necessarily a bad thing.
We can't do the show without Meg.
Why not? Our research shows that Meg is the least popular character on the show.
But everyone loves the rest of you.
Lois, women 25 to 49 see you as a role model.
- Really? - Absolutely.
- What about me? - You?! Look, the bottom line is you folks are still under contract, OK? But I've come up with a solution I think will make everyone happy.
- Jason Gallagher.
- Present.
Meg Griffin.
- Oh, sorry I'm late, Mr - Here.
- Hello? - Over here.
- Thank you for meeting us here.
Cigarette? - Peter.
- Sorry.
We have to keep this brief.
- Why are we here? No cameras.
The TV executives don't want viewers to be confused and think you're Meg.
- You're gonna let them recast me? - Could've been worse.
They could've gone with plan B.
- Brian, put a mask on.
- I have an announcement.
"Meg Griffin's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan.
" "It spun in.
There were no survivors.
" Who do I see about a Section Eight? Fine! Do your stupid show without me.
I'll be at Cleveland's house.
I don't wanna be a part of this family any more.
- Meg! - She'll be OK.
We gotta go.
The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice.
We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me?! Oh, Meg, honey, our home is your home for as long as you like.
We could offer you the guest room, provided that it doesn't bother you that my Great Uncle Chet died in there.
Oh.
I guess not.
Uh, when did he die? We think sometime between The Tonight Show and The Today Show.
(laughs) You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds, but, uh, you know, I always think who the hell decided tulips were so great? Hey.
Hey, I'm over here.
Hey! - Hi, Chris.
- You know my name? Of course I do, silly.
I'm your sister, Meg.
Oh.
Uh, I don't know if Mom and Dad told you, but we usually have breakfast naked and I'm allowed to videotape it.
Ooh, my skin's getting so slippery.
Hope I don't pop out of my top.
Ohh.
Hey, camera guy, check this out.
"Peter Griffin and Madame.
" Oh, Madame, you're a lusty old girl, aren't you? You're the one with your hand up my backside.
Oh! She got me.
Hey! Hey, come back here! She's gonna sing "Rainbow Connection"! Mr Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste? (gasps) Oh, my God! Excuse me.
No problem, Meg.
You probably bought me another three minutes.
Giggedy-giggedy! The funniest thing happened at work today.
- There was - Hi.
- (Peter) Hey! - I had the worst day.
I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain, and I still don't have a date for Friday night, as usual.
I'm going to write in my journal about how I'll never grow big, full breasts like these.
It's not fair.
If I don't get any airtime, how am I ever gonna get my own spin-off where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar? At the centre of the earth! We don't get many of you molten-rock men in here.
Well, at these prices I'm not surprised.
That's it, pal, you are outta here! (audience laughs) To hell with the cameras.
How could we ever let them replace our little girl? I miss her, Peter.
Me too.
She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-Iooking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, dammit, and so is Meg.
Let's go get her back! - What can I do for you? - I'll tell you what you can do.
Fire that sexy, interesting version of our daughter and make us a family again, or we walk.
Fire her? She's the highest-testing character on the show! - Besides, you can't quit.
You have a contract.
- Oh, yeah? Well, here's what I think of your contract.
I think it's awful and I don't much care for it at all, my good sir.
Lois, we're outta here.
Well, you put me in a very awkward position, Peter, but I guess I have no choice.
Mom? Dad? I'm home! - Who are you? - We're the Griffins.
No, you're not.
You're Tom Arnold.
And you're Fran Drescher.
And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights.
And you're the Olsen twins? Blast! Damn you all.
Victory is mine.
Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? Oh, Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party.
(laughs nasally) Ugh! I do not sound like that.
This is terrible! We're the laughing stock of the town and we've lost our daughter.
(knocking) - Meg! - Oh, Mom! Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me.
I wanna come home.
Oh, sweetie, it's good to have you back.
Hey, honey, I'm sorry we missed your ball game.
What? Here's an ice cream.
We love you, Meg.
I love you too.
Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here.
Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!