Mike & Molly s02e12 Episode Script

Scrambled eggs with English muffin, and cottage cheese with one sliced peach.
No, man, the cottage cheese is mine.
Oh, my bad.
I was confused because he's usually the one who gets the plate of fat man baby food.
But I guess, no matter who orders it, I'm the one that takes crap for it.
That appears to be the case.
Can you please just order pancakes, so I don't have to go through this? Can't.
I want to keep it light 'cause Christina's making a special dinner for me.
Oh, man, how do you eat this stuff? It's not really milk, it's not really cheese.
It's like sour cream and oatmeal had an ugly baby.
Just pretend it's something else.
That's what I do.
Right now, I'm pretending these plain scrambled eggs are a delightful Denver omelet, this dive we're sitting in is a quaint new Orleans bistro and I'm Turner and you're hooch.
Really? See, I always go to lethal weapon.
I'm Danny glover and you're Mel Gibson with a thyroid condition.
Just eat your curds.
So, sounds like things are going pretty good with you and Christina.
I am truly smitten.
I mean when she talks, I'm actually listening to her and not just nodding my head and imagining what she looks like naked on a see-saw.
So, is there a chance that tonight, there's gonna be more than food on the menu? The sexual aspect of our relationship is moot, 'cause we've already connected on a soulful, spiritual level.
And that's why you got a clean pair of undies and a toothbrush in your glove box.
As well as a three-pack of flavored love jellies and a strip of condoms long enough to choke a world war ii machine gun.
Hooch, you're a bad, bad dog.
For the first time in my life I see love.
come on, ladies, shake a tail-feather.
You can "paint and pluck" in the back of the rv.
I thought you were getting a room at the casino.
Not just a room, my friend the presidential suite.
That's three beds, a wet bar and two and a half crappers.
Then why you renting the mobile home? Well, the casino is right on the Illinois-Indiana border and I have some business that requires wheels, cargo space and temperature control.
You back to selling expired meat out of the trunk of your car again? Before we continue this conversation, am I talking to Mike the cop or Mike, the lovable lump who can keep a secret? Hey, forget it.
Don't tell me.
I don't want to make myself an accessory.
Don't worry, it's not illegal.
At least not in Indiana.
You' bringing back fireworks? How are you not a detective? Well, the written test really thins the herd.
I got a connection who gets 'em directly from Shanghai.
And not just firecrackers and bottle rockets.
We're talkin' those big mothers you want to light with a six-foot punk and another guy's arm.
Do the women-folk know they're gonna be toodling around in a vehicle filled with discount Asian explosives? Hey, those broads are getting a free weekend of jacuzzi tubs and pai gow poker.
They can put up with a little white-knucklin' on the ride home.
All right, all packed and ready to go.
Hey, you guys are gonna have the place all to yourselves this weekend.
Huh.
You know, you're right.
I hadn't even thought about it.
Sweetie, did you realize that we're gonna have house to ourselves? Well, I'll be darned.
Huh! Gee, I hope we don't get lonely.
You kids are welcome to come with us.
There's plenty of room in the rv.
No.
No.
You go ahead and enjoy yourselves.
We'll manage.
We better hit the road.
The sooner we get to Indiana, the sooner we can get the hell out of Indiana.
- Have a good time.
- Drive safe.
Especially on the way back.
Huh! House all to ourselves you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Order pizza and make prank phone calls? Yeah, baby.
I hope you enjoy this.
I don't get to cook grown-up food very often.
Oh, I'm sure it'll be great.
And even if it's inedible, before my drive home.
Having a six-year-old boy in the house, I find myself cooking a lot of fish sticks and Mac and cheese shaped like little bunnies.
Oh, man, this is really good.
And not just 'cause I'm starving to death.
I factored that in.
Good to know.
And if you like my chicken piccata, you'll love my eggs Benedict.
Oh, that sounds great.
Maybe I'll have breakfast here some time.
How about tomorrow morning? I don't know.
Driving over here during rush hour might be kind of oh.
Jimmy's staying at his dad's place, so we have the whole house to ourselves.
Yeah.
Whoa! Don't get your hopes up.
That's just a toothbrush wrapped in a pair of underwear.
You realize this entire house is now our own little sexual bouncy castle.
I thought I was your sexual bouncy castle.
Seriously, we can do it anywhere the couch, the floor, the stairway Oh, no, we learned our lesson on those stairs.
That was like a two-person bobsled down carpet burn Mountain.
Well, from where I was sitting, it was a fun ride.
Don't mind me, I'm not here.
I didn't see anything.
Vince, what are you doing back? Well, we were headed up wacker drive and I realized I forgot my erectile encouragement medication.
Oh! Can't you lie and just say you forgot your wallet? Okay, I forgot my wallet.
And my weekend won't be as enjoyable without a good, stiff wallet.
Well, that's a mood killer, isn't it? I could power through, if I had to.
I appreciate you being so patient with me, Carl.
I'm sure most women don't make you wait this long.
Mm.
That's no problem.
I stood in line all night for a playstation 3, and six hours for the third Harry Potter movie, and this is better than both of those combined.
Thank you.
I like you.
You're sweet, considerate and you make me laugh.
I am a funny man, aren't I? You know, and it just comes naturally.
Sometimes I don't even know why people are laughing.
See, like that right there.
I have no idea what tickled you.
It's my ex.
Hey, James, what's up? Yeah, put him on the phone.
My son wants to say good night.
Oh.
Hey, little man.
You're up past your bedtime.
Well, ask daddy to read you a story.
Really? And you still can't sleep? You want mommy to sing to you? This'll just take a minute.
Ah, that's no worries.
Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier ooh-oo child, things'll get brighter some day, yeah we'll put it together and we'll get it all done some day when your head is much lighter.
Okay, baby.
Sleep well.
Mama loves you she always will.
Are you crying? I can't help it.
I'm a sucker for '70s soul.
If you started singing "papa was a rolling stone," I'd be a puddle right now.
I'm fine.
No, I'm fine.
Big man look sexy.
Mama like.
You know what, I feel kinda sexy.
These silk pajamas are like little butterfly kisses all over my body.
You know what else is like little butterfly kisses all over your body? What? Little butterfly kisses all over your body.
Oh, my God I can't concentrate with that doorbell.
Should I put a pillow over your head? Oh, my gosh Just pretend we're waiting in line at the deli.
Answer the door.
Fine.
Order me the brisket.
No, ma'am you're getting the tongue sandwich.
I better be.
Hey, the, partner.
Aw, crap.
I'm hurting and I really need to talk to somebody right now.
Plenty of hotlines and chat rooms for that adios.
What's going on? Girl scout with insomnia, we're getting thin mints.
Is that Molly? Hey, Molly.
Carl? What are you doing out here? I'm no good.
And she's better off without me.
So now you know.
Good night.
Mike.
Come on in, Carl.
It's freezing out.
Okay.
Oh, boy, if you think he's chatty when he's sober What happened? Well Christina made a beautiful dinner for me.
There's chicken piccata with the little fat rice that's kind of like pasta.
Risotto.
I knew he'd know.
And we were doing a little kissing on the couch, and it was hot.
You know, like when you just become one big tongue? Yeah, yeah, I get the gist.
Don't look at me.
You're the one that let him in.
And then she said, "why don't we take this into the bedroom?" And the next thing I know, I was driving in my car to a liquor store and sitting outside of your house getting drunk.
Well, you're done driving for the night.
Make up the couch for him.
I'm gonna put on a pot of coffee and call Christina and tell her he's not dead.
Don't tell her that yet.
Oh, don't be that way! I love you, man.
Whoa, is this silk? You're like a king-size waterbed in a fancy hotel.
I will never forgive you for this.
Remind me I got your silk pajama top in my locker.
And you'll be happy to know grandma was able to get all my vomit out of it.
You know what? Why don't you keep it? Oh, great, now I'm stuck with a silk car cover with a puke stain on it.
How come you're not taking Christina's calls? I can't just drop everything to talk to her.
We're on duty I see.
But you took 20 minutes to call into sports talk to bitch about the bears' throwback uniforms.
Hey, those jersey and they make a mocker.
You made that very clear, "Bob from Waukegan.
" So what's going on? You never gonna talk to her again? Just stay out of it, okay? It's none of your business.
Hey, when you prevent me from having sex with my girlfriend, it becomes my business.
Now, if you're interested, I have a little theory about why you couldn't close the deal.
I don't want to hear your theory.
Good, makes it more fun for me.
Now, your usual go-to girl typically has fake boobs, a fake name and pimp.
Just make your point.
In a moment.
Then along comes a strong, beautiful woman like Christina.
She's foreign to you.
You get little intimidated and bing, bang, boom, you can't bing, bang, boom.
Excuse me? Well, that had to be be humiliating especially for a big blowhard like you.
Hey, she was willing and I was able.
As able as a guy can be when he's shooting pool with a rope.
I am done talking to you.
Oh, don't be that way.
Just trying to get a rise out of you.
Get it? You know, I hear those little blue pills really work wonders.
Hey, I can get an erection right now that you could do chin-ups on.
Not you, but a guy who could actually do it.
Ah Carl? Christina.
Hey, Christina.
I'm gonna order lunch.
Can I get you anything? Get him a spine.
It appears he was born without one.
One spine coming up.
I'm gonna have a grilled cheese.
So, listen No, you listen.
You run out of my house with no explanation and then don't return my calls.
What kind of man are you? I was gonna call you.
I've just been a little busy.
Oh, really? And when you called, what were you gonna tell me? That's why I haven't called yet.
I'm just a little blurry on the wording.
Yeah, well, I'm not.
You and me, are done.
This is tragic.
Poor Carl.
Yeah, it's too bad.
She was a good one.
Yes, she was.
So how long should I wait before asking her out? Carlton, what are you doing home? Just hanging out, watching some football.
No, you ain't.
Brother Heywood's on his way over here with a deck of cards and a bottle of Tawny port.
Don't worry, I won't interfere with your card game.
Ain't nobody playing cards, fool.
That's why I need your narrow butt off the couch and out of my house.
I'll just go to my room and put my headphones on.
Brother Heywood's been out of town for six weeks.
You need to go to the garage and turn on the leaf blower.
Why don't you go spend some time with Christina? I don't think that's an option anymore, grandma.
Oh, no, what kind of nasty, freaky perversion you try and talk that sweet, innocent girl into? It's not about that.
She wanted me to spend the night with her, but I couldn't do it.
I told you if you kept playing with yourself you wouldn't be able to play with others.
Hey, my equipment is fine.
It's just, I don't need to be getting involved with some woman who's already got a kid.
Why? Cause you think you can do better than her? No, because I think she can do better than me.
Oh, baby, of course she can.
But if she ain't saying it out loud, don't you be putting it in her head.
I mean, what do I know about being somebody's daddy? I never knew my own father and I barely remember my mom.
Hold on.
Is she asking you to be this boy's daddy? No, but Stop thinking.
You ain't good at it, so don't even try.
But if What did I just say to you? Grandma, the woman's got plenty to deal with, raising a six-year-old son without me complicating things.
Well, I sure know what that's like.
You were about that age when you came here to live with me.
Lord, you were a sullen, moody child.
The only time you ever smiled was on those rare occasions when your mama called.
I don't recollect any of that.
Well, ain't for lack of memory because, shoot, you used to be able to recite every episode of Dukes of Hazzard and Dr.
king's "I have a dream" speech.
Oh, yeah, I remember doing that.
I loved seeing you emulate the good doctor, but that other mess was just hillbilly gibberish.
Maybe some things are less painful to remember.
I suppose so.
But I sure am thankful for the way things played out.
'Cause if you hadn't come here to live with me, I'd have missed out on some of my my most precious memories.
Thank you, grandma.
Now, as much as I love having you in my life, I need you to get out of my house.
Right.
"Five score years ago, a great American, "in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the emancipation proclamation.
" Time and place, boy, time and place.
Good night, grandma.
What are you doing here, Carl? Look, I understand if you don't want to talk, but I just need a chance to explain myself.
Not interested.
Please, just give me a minute.
You got one minute.
Ok, first of all, I'm sorry I ran off.
At was a stupid thing to do.
No answering this door was stupid.
What you did was selfish, inconsiderate and cowardly.
No argument.
Quick question, when you talk, is that time taken out of my minute? When I was six years old, my mom ran off and left me with my grandma which may have caused abandonment issues which have not been dealt with properly at all really and then when I saw you singing to your little boy, like an angel might I add it brought up those aforementioned issues and I'm afraid I reacted poorly.
You still got five seconds.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
So, you're telling me a 35-year old man, never been married, lives with his grandma has issues? - You see right through me don't you? - From day one.
And I still stuck around.
So you're clearly not the only one on this porch with problems.
You know, problems have been known to go away yeah, I've heard that.
But my son's here now, so I can't ask you in.
I understand.
Maybe some other time? Maybe.
I already gone a year a half, so I'm in no rush.
A year and a half? Damn.
Damn is right.
You'd still be trying to put your eyeballs back in ur head.
Well, you're killing me, girl.
That's the idea.
All right, we got about three more hours before they come back from Indiana.
God willing.
Should we start here, work our way up or start upstairs and work our way down? Ooh! We could do it in my sister's beanbag chair.
No, it makes weird enough noises when you sit on it wearing pants.
Got a crazy idea.
How about our bed? You're a dirty girl.
Hey Oh! Are you kidding? I know you were worried, so I wanted to come by and tell you everything is fine and we talked should I wait out here till you're done? No!