Rules of Engagement s02e12 Episode Script

Hey.
Hey.
Our mailman is the worst.
We got the electric bill for that guy upstairs again.
The one who plays his stereo too loud? Yeah.
Well, here's one way to turn it off.
Look, we also got a reminder.
Your, uh, life-insurance exam is Monday.
You've been pretty pushy about the life insurance.
If we're gonna start a family, it's important.
If I die, are you gonna get remarried? Yeah, maybe.
All right, do me a favor.
Cremate me and throw my ashes in his face.
You got it.
Mm.
Oh, there are three weight categories: overweight male, average male, and optimal male, and big surprise, I am "optimal male.
" How do you know? I got on the scale this morning.
I weigh the same as I did in college.
I should donate my body to science when I die.
If I die.
You do know that's the happy scale, right? Happy scale.
Is that, uh, another Oprah thing? No.
No, that's the scale I set 10 pounds lighter.
The bitchy, accurate scale's in the closet.
Well, then that means that I'm just "average male.
" It's no big deal.
Premiums are only a few more bucks a month.
It's just less cash for me after you're dead.
Uh, that's not the point.
I'm not gonna have it on file that I'm average.
Especially when all I have to do to be optimal is lose 10 pounds over the weekend.
You can't do that.
I can't? I just did.
What? Yeah.
I did that all the time back to make weight when I-I wrestled in high school.
I barely ate anything, I'd exercise a ton, and then after my match, I'd gorge on a huge plate of hotdogs, and the next week, I'd do the same thing all over again.
Well, I'm sure the damage done to your system was well worth those two bronze medals in your closet.
Only one of those is for wrestling.
What's the other one for? Hotdog eating.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Mm, I gotta say I'm with Jen on this one.
It's 10:00 in the morning.
W- And all I'm saying is I'm an adult, and I should be able to buy myself an ice-cream treat if I want to.
Adam? Stacy? Oh, wow.
Oh, Stacy, um, this is my fiancée Jennifer, and our friend Audrey.
Hi.
I told you about Stacy.
We went out a couple years ago.
Oh, yeah.
You moved to L.
A.
Yeah, I'm in town for a job interview.
I would love to catch up.
Yeah, me too.
You wanna grab a coffee? Well, I guess we're not really doing anything.
So, what do you say? You want to? Oh.
Um, no, you guys go.
Have fun.
But no ice cream.
Wow, you're really okay with that? Well, what can I do? If he buys ice cream, he buys ice cream.
No, I meant with Adam hanging out with an ex-girlfriend.
A very pretty, blond ex-girlfriend.
They're just going to get coffee.
I'm totally cool with it.
Well, good for you.
Now, if Stacy were wearing a waffle cone, then I would be concerned.
So I gotta lose 10 pounds by Monday.
Ah.
Have you thought about just shaving your hands? It's a good idea.
Then I can give you the hair so you can have a real beard.
What's all this? It's information for a benefit I'm co-hosting tonight.
It's an amazing charity that does a lot of blah, blah, blah- Hot woman I'm trying to nail.
You really work hard for it, don't you? Ah, it's not work when you love what you do.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Where's Adam? Ah, well, we ran into one of his exes and they took off together.
That kid is a special kind of stupid.
What is all this? Russell's faking interest in a charity so he can have sex with some woman.
First Russell fakes it, and then she'll be faking it.
Ha-ha.
Everybody wins.
The Gentle Embrace Society? I've heard they have really great events.
Oh, my God, she wants to go.
Oh, that's adorable.
I'm sorry, I just don't think you're New York "society material.
" Oh, this should be good.
And why is that? Well, I don't know, you're from, like, Nebraska.
Heh-heh.
So? So, heh, I think it's held in a ballroom, not a grain silo.
Oh.
She's from Lincoln.
It's a major city.
Oh, right.
Yee-haw! Lincoln.
Yeah, um Okay, sure.
I got it all wrong.
Well, you know, I tell you what, if they add calf-ropin' to the program, I'll give you a call.
Whoopee! "Shoom!" Over.
Time.
Hey.
Hey.
How was coffee with Stacy? It was great.
We caught up, talked about old times.
That sounds nice.
Mm.
It was.
Mm.
Hey, it's cool if she stays here this weekend, right? You said yes? Why? The hotel lost her reservation and I couldn't find her another room.
I felt like I couldn't say no.
Oh, sweetie, you're gonna be married soon.
"No" has to become your friend.
You know, coffee was one thing, but sleeping on our couch is just weird.
Yes, it is.
Does he not get that? No.
He was raised by hippies, he doesn't understand boundaries.
He'll talk to any stranger.
Really? Yeah.
Guys hate using the urinal next to him.
Well, tell him how you feel.
You're right.
I'll talk to him.
I'm sorry to take up your time.
You clearly have your own stuff going on.
I- is that outfit meant to scare off the company, or? These are my weigh-in clothes.
Nice and light.
All right, showtime.
I have lost Yeah! Zero pounds.
Honey, nobody cares if you're an average male.
This is not about checking off some box on an insurance form.
This is about me being the best I can be.
You are not on your way.
Well, I gotta step up the program.
The rest of the weekend, all cardio, no food.
That is stupid and unhealthy.
Challenge accepted.
You're so funny, Russell.
I'm so happy you got involved with the Gentle Embrace Society.
Oh, listen, I knew I had to from the moment I saw your picture on page six and carefully read the surrounding words.
Well, I'm, uh, just doing the final guest list.
So I just need the names of the people at your table.
At my table? The table you sponsored to get on the board.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I-I d- I don't have that list quite yet.
Um, you know, so many people are out of town.
And it's still ballooning season in Provence, heh-heh-heh, as you know.
Wha-? How many people was that again I needed? Eight.
Eight.
Great.
Excellent.
Even better.
Um Now I won't have to snub the count and countess of, uh, Chocula.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Hey, honey.
Stacy here? Mm.
Yeah, she's in the shower.
Oh, good, I was worried she wouldn't be naked.
Hey, I thought the three of us could go out and grab a beer.
The three of us? Yeah.
Look, Adam, I was talking to Audrey today and- Hold on.
Hello.
Hey, Jen, it's Russell.
Listen, I have to fill a table at this stupid benefit I'm doing tonight.
So I need you and that Backstreet Boy you're engaged to to get on down here.
Yeah, okay, Adam and I will come.
The two of us will be there.
Okay, great.
Now I just gotta find some other losers that have nothing to do on a Saturday night.
What is the strategy of insulting us when we're doing you a favor? I don't know, but it worked.
Uh, Russell needs to fill a bunch of seats for his benefit so he invited us to come.
Isn't that great? Yeah, yeah, cool.
Hi, Jen.
Hey.
Hey, Stace, wanna go to a fancy benefit tonight? Sure, I'd love to.
All right.
Really? What? Why did you invite Stacy? Well, you said that Russell needed people to fill the table.
Is there a problem? I was fine when you went to coffee, and less fine with her being here, but coming on our date with us tonight? Honey, I think you're overreacting here.
What's wrong with helping out a friend? She's not just a friend.
She's your ex-girlfriend.
I can't help it if I'm friends with my exes.
I mean, I'd be cool if you were friends with yours.
You'd be fine if I invited one of my exes to the benefit? Sure, if that's what you wanted to do.
Adam, sorry, I think I blew a fuse.
Oh, no, you just have to push the little red reset button.
Here, I'll do it.
You're so handy.
You're so handy.
He's pushing a button, blondie.
So you can't come for sure? It's gonna be fun.
All right.
Thanks, Isabella.
And by the way, tomorrow, you don't have to mop the floor.
Just do the laundry.
Okay.
Thanks, bye.
I can't believe it's come to this.
Hello? Hey, Audrey, it's Russell.
Listen, I was remembering how much you wanted to go to that great event tonight, so I pulled a few strings and I got you and Jeff in.
Hey, why the change of heart? I thought you were worried I wouldn't know how to comport myself at a city-folk gathering.
Ha-ha-ha.
No.
Listen, I think you might add a touch of glamour to the whole- I can't even sell this.
Listen, I need some warm bodies to fill-up my table.
In or out? Depends.
Say "Lincoln is a major city.
" Lincoln's a major city.
Say, "It's the Manhattan of the Midwest.
" It's the Manhattan of the Midwest.
Say, "It's the Paris of the prairie.
" Come on, even you don't believe that.
All right, we'll be there.
Hey.
How's the hunger strike going? It's getting weird.
I'm this close to craving fruit.
Locking myself in the bedroom Must avoid temptation.
Ah, sorry.
Russell called, invited us to the benefit dinner and I really wanna go.
I can't do that.
Optimal male could.
Well played.
Wow.
Don't tell Russell I said this, but we are not fancy enough to be here.
Speak for yourself.
Thank you.
Uh, Stacy, this is Jeff, and you remember Audrey.
Hi.
Hi, Stacy.
Hi, nice to see you again.
Jen, come here, I want to show you something.
Okay.
What is it? Look, there's your fiancé's ex-girlfriend with your fiancé.
I know.
I tried to tell Adam how I felt, but he didn't get it.
What are you gonna do? Well, Adam said he'd be fine if I invited one of my exes, so I called his bluff and invited one.
I thought all your relationships end badly.
How did you get someone to come? Well, I made a bunch of phone calls, and evidently, I have a lot of nerve.
And then I reached Drake.
Drake? The incredibly handsome douche? Mm-hm.
Yeah.
And I gotta say, talking to all my exes made me realize how happy I am I stopped drinking tequila.
Hey, listen, my high-society broad is on her way over, so act classy.
Jeez.
Clarissa, hi.
I'd like you to meet my dear, dear friends.
This is Jeffrey, Audrey, Jennifer, Adam, and Z- Stacy.
Nn.
Anastasia.
Heh-heh.
Oh.
We all have neighboring slips at the marina on the vineyard.
Russell, I have to see you later.
Mm, and I you.
Excuse me.
She is way out of your league.
No.
Absolutely.
Totally.
I haven't even met you and I agree.
Can it, Anastasia.
All right, listen.
All you guys have to do is play along and don't embarrass me.
Mm.
Yeah, it would be a shame if she found out you know nothing about her charity and the only reason you're here is to get in her pants.
Oh, you wouldn't.
Oh, sure you would.
The entrée this evening: Kobe beef fillet.
Ooh.
There's a special place in hell for you.
Jennifer, there you are.
Hi, Drake.
Thanks for coming.
I was totally psyched that you called.
I always knew you'd come back to the old Drakester.
Mm.
I'm just using you.
That's cool too.
Hey, honey.
Oh, Adam.
I want you to meet Drake, my ex-boyfriend.
Hey.
Hey.
Like you said, Russell needed to fill his table so I thought what better time to invite my former lover.
Okay.
Anyway, I'm gonna go get a drink.
You boys have fun.
So, what are you, like, 6'2"? Oh.
Me too.
Oh.
I see you came to your senses and finally ate something.
I didn't eat it.
What do you mean? Check your purse.
Hey, Jen, uh, what's up with, uh,GQ and low-IQ over there? That's my ex, Drake.
I thought it'd be good for Adam to meet him.
Oh, yeah? You know, I didn't know Adam swung that way, but I gotta tell you, it doesn't really surprise me.
How's it going with Clarissa? It's all right.
I'm gonna go find her and suggest that since I helped her with her cause, it's only fair that she help me with mine.
Oh, my God, what's she doing talking to Cathy Cornhusker? How was that bite? The ice cream cold, and the sauce hot.
I guess so.
Don't guess, tell me.
I'm sorry, I should go.
Hey, hi.
Oh.
So, what were you and Audrey talking about? She told me about her husband.
Oh, they're lovely people.
And she talked about her work at the magazine.
That's a fascinating job.
And I asked her about you.
She's a filthy liar.
No, she said some very nice things about you.
Audrey did? Yes.
And she told me how passionate you are about our cause.
Which I am.
In fact, when I told her I was a little nervous about giving my speech tonight, she suggested that you get up and say a few words.
Did she, now? Oh.
Heh, okay.
Hey.
Hey.
How's Operation Drake going? It's underway.
I just hope it doesn't go too well.
I don't want them to get into a fight or anything.
Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen.
Unbelievable.
I mean, doesn't he know he's supposed to be annoyed and uncomfortable? I mean, I had sex with that guy.
Mm.
It looks like you and Adam might have that in common pretty soon.
Uh, t- What do you want me to say? Just talk about what our organization does, our accomplishments, our goals, and where we're headed.
Okay, I-I could say that, or I could tell a funny story about something that happened to me at camp.
I know you'll do us proud.
Eh Ladies and gentlemen, right now, I'd like to introduce you to our newest board member, Russell Dunbar.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you, Clarissa.
I first got involved in the Gentle Embrace Society because I was very concerned about the environment.
For children and their animals.
I actually feel bad for him.
I think I need to tell him the benefit's for literacy.
Literacy.
Oh.
Thank you.
Yes, but all kidding aside, I'm really here to tell you about our concern in this society for a really bad problem we have, and that is leprosy.
I know, I know.
It's disgusting.
Something has to be done.
These gross people- What? What are you doing up here? This is a charity that helps people who can't read.
Lepers can't read? My God, they can't catch a break.
Literacy.
Oh, literacy.
Oh, my God, we are gonna laugh about this at your place later.
Oh- Hey, Adam, have you seen Jeff? Oh, yeah, a few minutes ago.
He asked me some very uncomfortable questions about the ice cream I was eating, and then he left.
Thank you.
Mm-hm.
Hey, kid, where'd you get that hotdog? Uh, the Rubenstein bar mitzvah has a hotdog cart.
Oh, no.
Don't eat that hotdog.
Audrey.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but you've come too far to give in now.
I thought you said my diet was stupid.
Well, actually, I'm kind of in awe of your willpower.
Really? Yeah, it's very "optimal male" of you.
Well, thank you.
And thanks for stopping me.
I won't eat this.
Good.
Just one question.
What? What do we do about the seven I already ate? Let's get you out of here.
Hey.
There you are.
Hey.
Why aren't you with your buddy Drake? I thought you two would be snapping towels at each other by now.
Heh.
No, actually, I ditched him at the bar.
Ditched him? Yeah.
Drake's, uh, kind of a douche.
Then why were you palling around with him? Well, I was trying to be polite.
I mean, he's your friend.
And I'm sorry, but I gotta say that I feel uncomfortable around him and having him around you.
It's weird.
I- I feel kind of Jealous? Is that what this is? Are you telling me you've never been jealous? No, no.
Never with any other girlfriend.
But with you, for some reason, I am.
Maybe you're special or something.
Hey, should I tell Stacy she has to find somewhere else to stay? That might not be a problem.
I totally agree with what you said up there.
Leprosy is disgusting.
Yes.
All I know is if it wasn't for leprosy, I would never have met you.
So to leprosy? Yeah, I blew it.
Never gonna make weight by Monday.
Aw.
You're still my optimal male.
I'm gonna go get ready for bed.
Okay.