Weeds s02e12 Episode Script
Pittsburgh
Son of a bitch.
Son of a fucking cold bitch.
Silas, it's me again.
I'm offering you amnesty if you come home in the next hour.
Probation, if you show up for graduation.
At the very least, please let me know you're okay.
Wow.
You look very handsome.
Are we moving? Why don't you let me get through today, and then ask me about that again tomorrow, okay? Is Silas coming to my graduation? I'm not sure about that.
- Mom? - Yeah? What do I tell people when they ask what you do? You tell them I'm your mom.
I've been doing some research on the Internet, and I really think Pittsburgh is the place for us.
I'll keep that in mind.
Pittsburgh.
Okay.
Pittsburgh.
- Good morning.
- "Good morning," what? Oh, no.
I spilled.
I'll go get the paper towels.
Honey, relax.
It's just a little milk.
- But Mom will totally - Mom will what? - Mom's not here.
- But she'll be back.
No, honey.
Not this time.
Really.
Come on.
Dad, you know the Harry Potter books that we've read? Love them all.
Love the Harry Potter.
Mom is Voldemort.
Don't you know that? You may have reduced her to vapor now, but she is out there, gathering her strength, and she will be back.
Don't you know that? You better get ready for graduation.
Big day today.
Big day.
Silas, we're leaving for graduation now.
I hope you'll meet us there.
This is really important to Shane.
Really.
Don't do this to him.
Oh Jesus, you scared me.
Good.
I hope you peed your panties.
- Where is he? - Who? Oh, right.
I guess you had to ask that.
"Who, Celia, "the one who called you a drunk at a public assembly "or the one who stole civic property?" I have no idea what you're talking about.
I have Silas on video stealing.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, not today.
Mom, we're gonna be late.
Where the hell did you get a gun? I borrowed it from Pam.
Oh, my God! I only had the one bullet.
I was gonna shoot Doug.
I'll see you at graduation.
Are you okay? This would have never happened in Pittsburgh.
Why am I even here? I heard you might be meeting your maker today, so we figured, "Let's send that boy off to die with a nice hot breakfast in his belly.
" - What do you know? - What do we know? Vaneeta, what do we know? Is the baby too little for a blueberry? No, but if you give it to him, cut it up real small.
And put a bib on, 'cause that shit gonna stain.
Heylia got a little visit from your girlfriend.
I told her not to come to you all.
Don't nobody listen to you, Conrad.
He come after you? - Yeah.
- He gonna want to finish it.
Probably.
Let me ask you this.
You want to die today? No.
Eat your fucking waffle.
Greetings, Agrestic Elementary School, class of 2006.
Hello, teachers, parents, stepparents, siblings, boyfriends and girlfriends of parents, assorted relatives, friends of your mom and dad who you call aunt and uncle who really aren't, and Principal Dodge.
As I stand before you today on the brink ofjunior high, here is what I have to say.
You have failed us all! Everything is not okay! We have become alienated, desensitized, angry and frightened.
If we picture Agrestic as an airplane, a grand soaring jet carrying us through the sky, I think you all need to understand, there are motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.
Okay.
Okay, that's it, Botwin.
That is quite enough.
You said no profanity.
You are done.
Now, here's your diploma.
And you are Agrestic Junior High's problem now.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to give out the diplomas.
- Let him speak! Let him speak! - Let him speak! Let him speak! Motherfucking let him motherfucking speak! I will call off this graduation if we don't have order right now! - I mean it! - God.
- Let him speak! Let him speak! - Silence! I'm not - Let him speak! Let him speak! - Everybody, be quiet.
- Let him speak! Let him speak! - We are not safe! You moved here so that you could feel safe, but your children are not safe! So help me, I will boot you off the stage like a NERF ball.
- I'm not done.
- I have to go.
You can take Shane to the party, and I'll see you guys later.
Tell Shane I'm sorry I had to go.
- Where are you going? - It's business.
- No.
No, but you - Will you turn off this fucking mike? Where are you going? Congratulations, you've all graduated.
Goodbye.
Either you control your woman, or I will.
I hear you.
I'm cutting in.
Are you my boyfriend or not? I liberated a case of Cactus Cooler for the ride.
- I'm not coming with you.
- It tastes like baby aspirin.
Oh, well, in that case, I'm still not going with you.
Jesus, you scared me.
You ought to let a person know you're coming.
I could have cut you up into seven little men holding hands.
You hear from our friend? Yeah, he left a note on my car.
He's trying to scare me.
- Is it working? - Fuck, yes.
You're a good kisser.
- Oh, shit.
- What? What's "Oh, shit"? Abumchuck.
It's now or never.
Come with me.
I can't be alone, and you're my favorite person on Earth.
I can't do it, Kat.
Fine.
Fuck you.
Give me your van keys.
You can't have my van.
I'm just gonna steal it anyway.
Fine.
- Wife-fucker.
- Career-wrecker.
- You punched my neck.
- You're freakishly tall.
I'm also freakishly long, so imagine how much of me was inside your wife.
- Hey, come here.
- Did you hear my speech? - No, I missed it.
- You're an asshole.
Look, I'm sorry.
Okay? I had stuff to do.
Where's Mom? I don't know.
She took off during my speech.
- Did she say where she was going? - No, she just left.
Some fucking family you got stuck with, huh? Hey, what's up? Man, you coming in real time, or you coming in black-people time? All right, we'll be here.
Black-people time? Some of us like watermelon.
Some of us got big dicks.
Most of us have trouble getting places on time.
I get it.
I like gin, and I'm not much for hugging.
Did you bring a gun? Actually, that's one cultural stereotype that I am not fulfilling today.
I brought a gun.
Celia left one at my house this morning after she shot out my kitchen cabinet.
Jesus.
Give me that fucking thing.
There aren't any bullets in it.
Another great plan from you.
You shouldn't put metal in a microwave.
Hi, honey, I got your note.
You sure know how to charm a girl.
Have you been fucking him the whole time you were married to me? - No, I told you that.
- But you're a liar.
It's just business between us.
Always has been.
Your loss.
She fucks like a wild animal.
Hey, guys.
Oh, isn't it my shift? You're the little shit who smashed my muffin.
Forgive me? If you let go, I will kill you.
I will kill you.
I will kill you, you son of a bitch.
I will Oh! All right, now you're dead.
Now you are fucking dead, Doug Wilson! I have no respect for you personally, but I always thought you were cute.
And I'm single now.
I worked you like a puppet! I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking kill you! Listen to me! You listen to me! Get off me right now, and I might spare your fucking life! By the way, have you seen your nephew? Oh, never mind.
Suit looks good.
I'll be in touch.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Jesus, people are so rude in the South.
Well, that's it.
- Yeah? - Yep, we're broken up.
Sorry, kid.
He's a heartbreaker, that one.
- Yeah, well, maybe they deserve each other.
- Who? Shane and Kat.
Yeah, well, she's gone.
I know.
They left together.
They left Shit.
When? A few minutes ago.
The two of them took off.
Yo, motherfuckers, anybody home? Big bad wolf coming in.
- I'll be waiting in my truck.
- What the fuck, little piggies? You out, too.
- Not with him.
- Somebody got to answer the door.
Hold up! Okay.
Just be very quiet.
You hear me? Okay.
No noise.
Don't come out of here, no matter what.
Don't you come out, okay? Okay.
- Oh, hey.
- It's about time.
I was just about to huff and puff.
Some nice setup you got here.
Now take off your shirt.
- What? - Take off your fucking shirt.
Marvin, check Conrad for a wire.
She's mine.
- Now, hold up, dog.
That's bullshit.
- It's called due diligent.
Now, are you gonna do the diligent, or am I? It's diligence.
It's nice titties.
Okay, I've shown you mine.
You show me yours.
In a minute.
I got to pee.
Where's your fucking toilet? Doing that maple lemonade fast flushes you out.
Pees more than my cousin Jerome who only got one kidney.
Poor Jerome.
We are gonna have the best adventure.
Thanks for keeping me company, Shane.
Cactus Cooler? - Where are we going? - Where do you want to go? - Pittsburgh.
- Okay.
But we have to make a quick stop in Paraguay first.
Cool.
Tastes like baby aspirin.
Step on it, Geronimo.
You watch that shit, man.
Yes? No, no, no, no.
Go, go, go.
Go.
Kesheshian says "Goodbye.
" Yeah, I been on this flush.
Yeah, maple lemonade.
My kid's graduating, so could we just get through this? You give us the money.
We give you the drugs.
Everybody goes away.
You don't see the cash until I see the weed.
- Marvin, help me with this.
- No, hey.
Open it.
No.
You don't see the weed till I see the cash.
You know what? You're almost right about that.
What the fuck? Yeah, now give us the drugs, and we'll let you live.
Open her up.
But where's Where's the money? Ain't no money, fool! I'm a fucking criminal! Now, open up the safe before I shoot both you all.
I hear you.
You're a wonderful criminal.
Bitch.
What the hell are you thinking, dog? I'm thinking you ain't got no army.
Oh, shit.
Right now, business is business, homeboy.
- Hey, hey, hey! What the fuck? - Son of a bitch.
Where's the money? The negro lady says I kill agent asshole, you pay us.
He's dead? Where is my money, Conrad? We've ran into, like, a little problem.
There ain't no money, 'cause they decided to jack us.
Son of a bitch, motherfucker.
Fine, fine.
We take the pot, then.
No way.
That's my shit.
Why? You killing federal agent? Me killing all y'all! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We all got guns.
- Excuse me.
We kill each other, then nobody gets nothing! He's dead? - Peter? - Yes! Okay, okay, sorry.
There's a lot of data flying around.
Will somebody open the fucking safe? - You got to pee again? - Shut the fuck up! Open the fucking safe! - Nancy, open the fucking safe! - Okay.
Oh, not today.
- Ain't no motherfucking weed in here.
- Where the fuck is the shit? Bitch, you about to die.
Relax, everybody.
I'm I'm reaching for my cell phone.
Hold on.
It's ringing.
Hi, Nancy.
Honey, did you take something that doesn't belong to you? I want in.
That's him.
That's the little fucker who stole my cameras.
Arrest him.
Shit.
Son of a fucking cold bitch.
Silas, it's me again.
I'm offering you amnesty if you come home in the next hour.
Probation, if you show up for graduation.
At the very least, please let me know you're okay.
Wow.
You look very handsome.
Are we moving? Why don't you let me get through today, and then ask me about that again tomorrow, okay? Is Silas coming to my graduation? I'm not sure about that.
- Mom? - Yeah? What do I tell people when they ask what you do? You tell them I'm your mom.
I've been doing some research on the Internet, and I really think Pittsburgh is the place for us.
I'll keep that in mind.
Pittsburgh.
Okay.
Pittsburgh.
- Good morning.
- "Good morning," what? Oh, no.
I spilled.
I'll go get the paper towels.
Honey, relax.
It's just a little milk.
- But Mom will totally - Mom will what? - Mom's not here.
- But she'll be back.
No, honey.
Not this time.
Really.
Come on.
Dad, you know the Harry Potter books that we've read? Love them all.
Love the Harry Potter.
Mom is Voldemort.
Don't you know that? You may have reduced her to vapor now, but she is out there, gathering her strength, and she will be back.
Don't you know that? You better get ready for graduation.
Big day today.
Big day.
Silas, we're leaving for graduation now.
I hope you'll meet us there.
This is really important to Shane.
Really.
Don't do this to him.
Oh Jesus, you scared me.
Good.
I hope you peed your panties.
- Where is he? - Who? Oh, right.
I guess you had to ask that.
"Who, Celia, "the one who called you a drunk at a public assembly "or the one who stole civic property?" I have no idea what you're talking about.
I have Silas on video stealing.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, not today.
Mom, we're gonna be late.
Where the hell did you get a gun? I borrowed it from Pam.
Oh, my God! I only had the one bullet.
I was gonna shoot Doug.
I'll see you at graduation.
Are you okay? This would have never happened in Pittsburgh.
Why am I even here? I heard you might be meeting your maker today, so we figured, "Let's send that boy off to die with a nice hot breakfast in his belly.
" - What do you know? - What do we know? Vaneeta, what do we know? Is the baby too little for a blueberry? No, but if you give it to him, cut it up real small.
And put a bib on, 'cause that shit gonna stain.
Heylia got a little visit from your girlfriend.
I told her not to come to you all.
Don't nobody listen to you, Conrad.
He come after you? - Yeah.
- He gonna want to finish it.
Probably.
Let me ask you this.
You want to die today? No.
Eat your fucking waffle.
Greetings, Agrestic Elementary School, class of 2006.
Hello, teachers, parents, stepparents, siblings, boyfriends and girlfriends of parents, assorted relatives, friends of your mom and dad who you call aunt and uncle who really aren't, and Principal Dodge.
As I stand before you today on the brink ofjunior high, here is what I have to say.
You have failed us all! Everything is not okay! We have become alienated, desensitized, angry and frightened.
If we picture Agrestic as an airplane, a grand soaring jet carrying us through the sky, I think you all need to understand, there are motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.
Okay.
Okay, that's it, Botwin.
That is quite enough.
You said no profanity.
You are done.
Now, here's your diploma.
And you are Agrestic Junior High's problem now.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to give out the diplomas.
- Let him speak! Let him speak! - Let him speak! Let him speak! Motherfucking let him motherfucking speak! I will call off this graduation if we don't have order right now! - I mean it! - God.
- Let him speak! Let him speak! - Silence! I'm not - Let him speak! Let him speak! - Everybody, be quiet.
- Let him speak! Let him speak! - We are not safe! You moved here so that you could feel safe, but your children are not safe! So help me, I will boot you off the stage like a NERF ball.
- I'm not done.
- I have to go.
You can take Shane to the party, and I'll see you guys later.
Tell Shane I'm sorry I had to go.
- Where are you going? - It's business.
- No.
No, but you - Will you turn off this fucking mike? Where are you going? Congratulations, you've all graduated.
Goodbye.
Either you control your woman, or I will.
I hear you.
I'm cutting in.
Are you my boyfriend or not? I liberated a case of Cactus Cooler for the ride.
- I'm not coming with you.
- It tastes like baby aspirin.
Oh, well, in that case, I'm still not going with you.
Jesus, you scared me.
You ought to let a person know you're coming.
I could have cut you up into seven little men holding hands.
You hear from our friend? Yeah, he left a note on my car.
He's trying to scare me.
- Is it working? - Fuck, yes.
You're a good kisser.
- Oh, shit.
- What? What's "Oh, shit"? Abumchuck.
It's now or never.
Come with me.
I can't be alone, and you're my favorite person on Earth.
I can't do it, Kat.
Fine.
Fuck you.
Give me your van keys.
You can't have my van.
I'm just gonna steal it anyway.
Fine.
- Wife-fucker.
- Career-wrecker.
- You punched my neck.
- You're freakishly tall.
I'm also freakishly long, so imagine how much of me was inside your wife.
- Hey, come here.
- Did you hear my speech? - No, I missed it.
- You're an asshole.
Look, I'm sorry.
Okay? I had stuff to do.
Where's Mom? I don't know.
She took off during my speech.
- Did she say where she was going? - No, she just left.
Some fucking family you got stuck with, huh? Hey, what's up? Man, you coming in real time, or you coming in black-people time? All right, we'll be here.
Black-people time? Some of us like watermelon.
Some of us got big dicks.
Most of us have trouble getting places on time.
I get it.
I like gin, and I'm not much for hugging.
Did you bring a gun? Actually, that's one cultural stereotype that I am not fulfilling today.
I brought a gun.
Celia left one at my house this morning after she shot out my kitchen cabinet.
Jesus.
Give me that fucking thing.
There aren't any bullets in it.
Another great plan from you.
You shouldn't put metal in a microwave.
Hi, honey, I got your note.
You sure know how to charm a girl.
Have you been fucking him the whole time you were married to me? - No, I told you that.
- But you're a liar.
It's just business between us.
Always has been.
Your loss.
She fucks like a wild animal.
Hey, guys.
Oh, isn't it my shift? You're the little shit who smashed my muffin.
Forgive me? If you let go, I will kill you.
I will kill you.
I will kill you, you son of a bitch.
I will Oh! All right, now you're dead.
Now you are fucking dead, Doug Wilson! I have no respect for you personally, but I always thought you were cute.
And I'm single now.
I worked you like a puppet! I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking kill you! Listen to me! You listen to me! Get off me right now, and I might spare your fucking life! By the way, have you seen your nephew? Oh, never mind.
Suit looks good.
I'll be in touch.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Jesus, people are so rude in the South.
Well, that's it.
- Yeah? - Yep, we're broken up.
Sorry, kid.
He's a heartbreaker, that one.
- Yeah, well, maybe they deserve each other.
- Who? Shane and Kat.
Yeah, well, she's gone.
I know.
They left together.
They left Shit.
When? A few minutes ago.
The two of them took off.
Yo, motherfuckers, anybody home? Big bad wolf coming in.
- I'll be waiting in my truck.
- What the fuck, little piggies? You out, too.
- Not with him.
- Somebody got to answer the door.
Hold up! Okay.
Just be very quiet.
You hear me? Okay.
No noise.
Don't come out of here, no matter what.
Don't you come out, okay? Okay.
- Oh, hey.
- It's about time.
I was just about to huff and puff.
Some nice setup you got here.
Now take off your shirt.
- What? - Take off your fucking shirt.
Marvin, check Conrad for a wire.
She's mine.
- Now, hold up, dog.
That's bullshit.
- It's called due diligent.
Now, are you gonna do the diligent, or am I? It's diligence.
It's nice titties.
Okay, I've shown you mine.
You show me yours.
In a minute.
I got to pee.
Where's your fucking toilet? Doing that maple lemonade fast flushes you out.
Pees more than my cousin Jerome who only got one kidney.
Poor Jerome.
We are gonna have the best adventure.
Thanks for keeping me company, Shane.
Cactus Cooler? - Where are we going? - Where do you want to go? - Pittsburgh.
- Okay.
But we have to make a quick stop in Paraguay first.
Cool.
Tastes like baby aspirin.
Step on it, Geronimo.
You watch that shit, man.
Yes? No, no, no, no.
Go, go, go.
Go.
Kesheshian says "Goodbye.
" Yeah, I been on this flush.
Yeah, maple lemonade.
My kid's graduating, so could we just get through this? You give us the money.
We give you the drugs.
Everybody goes away.
You don't see the cash until I see the weed.
- Marvin, help me with this.
- No, hey.
Open it.
No.
You don't see the weed till I see the cash.
You know what? You're almost right about that.
What the fuck? Yeah, now give us the drugs, and we'll let you live.
Open her up.
But where's Where's the money? Ain't no money, fool! I'm a fucking criminal! Now, open up the safe before I shoot both you all.
I hear you.
You're a wonderful criminal.
Bitch.
What the hell are you thinking, dog? I'm thinking you ain't got no army.
Oh, shit.
Right now, business is business, homeboy.
- Hey, hey, hey! What the fuck? - Son of a bitch.
Where's the money? The negro lady says I kill agent asshole, you pay us.
He's dead? Where is my money, Conrad? We've ran into, like, a little problem.
There ain't no money, 'cause they decided to jack us.
Son of a bitch, motherfucker.
Fine, fine.
We take the pot, then.
No way.
That's my shit.
Why? You killing federal agent? Me killing all y'all! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We all got guns.
- Excuse me.
We kill each other, then nobody gets nothing! He's dead? - Peter? - Yes! Okay, okay, sorry.
There's a lot of data flying around.
Will somebody open the fucking safe? - You got to pee again? - Shut the fuck up! Open the fucking safe! - Nancy, open the fucking safe! - Okay.
Oh, not today.
- Ain't no motherfucking weed in here.
- Where the fuck is the shit? Bitch, you about to die.
Relax, everybody.
I'm I'm reaching for my cell phone.
Hold on.
It's ringing.
Hi, Nancy.
Honey, did you take something that doesn't belong to you? I want in.
That's him.
That's the little fucker who stole my cameras.
Arrest him.
Shit.