Roseanne s02e13 Episode Script
Chicken Hearts
I NEED SNEAKERS, MOM! YEAH, RIGHT.
SO I'M GONNA DROP YOU OFF AT YOUR GAME A LITTLE BIT EARLY AND THEN IF BECKY EVER FINISHES THE LIVING ROOM, WE'LL ALL GO DOWN TO THE BUDGET CLUB AND I'LL GET YOUR SNEAKERS, AND I'LL PICK UP THAT TIRE FOR THE CAR.
YOUR GAME OUGHT TO BE FINISHED BY THEN.
THEN ALLS I'LL HAVE LEFT TO DO IS GO IN FOR MY BIKINI WAX.
GIVE ME MY PAPER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? I AM RUNNIN' THIS HOUSE WITH NO HELP FROM YOU.
AND DOIN' A HELL OF A JOB.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? YOU WEREN'T EVEN LISTENING.
YEAH, I WAS.
WHAT DID I SAY? I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETHING ABOUT TURTLE-WAXING YOUR BIKINI.
ENHHH! I'M SORRY, MR.
CONNER.
I GUESS THAT HANDSOME DINETTE SET WILL HAVE TO GO TO OUR RETURNING CHAMPION.
WHY CAN'T WE DO ALL THIS ON SUNDAY? 'CAUSE THERE'S A GAME ON SUNDAY YOUR MOM WANTS TO WATCH.
YEAH.
BECKY, PLATE.
HONEY? FEELING A LITTLE TENSE, IRRITABLE, PECKISH? MAYBE IT'S YOUR HAIR COLOR.
MAYBE IT'S MY JOB.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD QUIT THAT JOB.
AND DO WHAT? ALL THE POWER JOBS ARE TAKEN.
MARGARET'S RUNNING ENGLAND, VANNA'S TURNIN' THE LETTERS OVER, AND DELTA BURKE HAS HER OWN DAMN TV SHOW.
ARE YOU GONNA BE LATE TONIGHT? NO.
I ONLY GOT A HALF DAY'S WORTH OF FINISHING WORK TO DO.
WELL, I GOTTA GO, BECAUSE I GOT A STAFF MEETING, AND MY BOSS FREAKS OUT IF ANYBODY'S LATE.
YOU MIND GETTIN' DINNER TONIGHT? OK.
YEAH.
WHAT DO I GOTTA DO? WELL, YOU STAND UP AND THEN YOU GO OVER HERE AND TAKE THE STUFF OUT OF THIS COLD BOX.
BRR! AND THEN YOU TROT IT RIGHT OVER HERE AND YOU STICK IT IN THIS HOT BOX.
WHAT WAS THAT MIDDLE PART AGAIN? PICK UP A GROSS OF BOWLING BALLS ON THE WAY HOME, WILL YA? AND ANOTHER THING, UNIFORMS.
STARCH THOSE APRON BOWS, LADIES.
WASH THEM EVERY DAY AND GET YOUR MOMS TO IRON THEM.
OH, I HAVE A QUESTION.
WHAT IF YOUR MOM HAS REALLY BAD RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS, YOU KNOW? AND, UH, SAY SHE'S, LIKE, LIVING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE INTERNATIONAL DATE LINE, YOU KNOW? THEN SHOULD YOU, LIKE, GET YOUR KIDS TO DO IT? I DON'T CARE, LIKE, WHO DOES IT, BUT WE HAVE GOTTA START LOOKING LIKE PROFESSIONALS OR NO ONE'S GONNA TAKE US SERIOUSLY.
UM, THE BEAK KEEPS FALLING OFF MY APRON.
AND LET'S PERK UP THE CUSTOMERS, ALL RIGHT? THEY EAT MORE.
"THEYEATMORE.
" HE'S TAKIN' NOTES.
SINCE I THOUGHT OF HAVING THE FEEDBACK BOX PUT IN-- YEAH? GOTTEN A LOT OF DISTURBING COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE FRIES.
"OILY AND NO TASTE.
" OH, NO, THAT WAS ABOUT THE OWNERS.
Manager: NOW SO FAR, THE BIGGEST COMPLAINT WE'VE HAD IS SPEED-- PEOPLE WAITING NOW, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FAST FOOD, PEOPLE, AND WE CAN'T EXACTLY CALL IT FAST.
WHY NOT? WE CALL IT FOOD.
LOOK THE BOTTOM LINE HERE IS THAT SOME OF YOU ARE JUST NOT PLAYING TO CAPACITY WHICH MEANS I'VE HAD TO DO SOME PLATOONING AND JUGGLE THE SCHEDULE A BIT.
SO, JAY, WEDNESDAYS AND FRIDAYS, YOU'RE ON NIGHTS.
COME ON, BRIAN, MAN.
ALL RIGHT, ANDREW AND DEBBIE, MONDAYS AND THURSDAYS, YOU OPEN.
I, UH--I DO HAVE A BIG MATH TEST ON MONDAY, BUT I--I WILL BE HERE.
UH, ROSEANNE, YOU'RE OFF ON WEDNESDAY, BUT YOU'RE HERE ON SATURDAY.
OK, THAT'S IT.
LET'S OPEN.
NOW, REMEMBER, PERKY! UM, BRIAN REMEMBER WE HAD THIS DISCUSSION? I CAN'T WORK ON WEEKENDS BECAUSE I HAVE A FAMILY.
WELL, THIS IS A FAMILY, TOO.
YEAH, BUT IT AIN'T MY FAMILY.
LOOK, ROSEANNE, WEEKENDS ARE WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, AND I NEED SOMEBODY FAST.
WELL, I CAN BE FLEXIBLE.
I COULD SLOW DOWN.
LOOK, I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT? THAT NEGATIVE ATTITUDE OF YOURS, IT'S GONNA GET YOU NOWHERE.
THIS IS NOWHERE.
I DON'T LIKE WORKING WEEKENDS, EITHER.
I KNOW, AND THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER DO.
YOU JUST SIT UP THERE IN YOUR OFFICE LIKE A LITTLE CHICKEN NAPOLEON, MAKING YOUR LITTLE CHICKEN SCHEDULES THAT SCREW UP EVERYBODY'S LIFE.
I TOLD YOU IN THE BEGINNING I WAS NOT WORKIN' WEEKENDS.
YOU ARE PAID TO FOLLOW MY ORDERS.
NOW, IT ISN'T ALWAYS PRETTY, BUT THIS IS THE BUSINESS WE'VE CHOSEN.
YOU GOT A BIG BOOGER HANGIN' OUT OF YOUR NOSE.
IS THIS MOISTURIZER ANY GOOD? EVERYTHING I GOT IS GOOD.
THAT'S ONE OF MY BIG SELLERS.
HEY, YOU KNOW? I'M GONNA ASK FOR A SECOND DISTRICT.
REALLY? THAT'S GREAT.
OH, ROSEANNE, I LIKE THIS PRUSSIAN BLUE.
OH, YEAH.
THAT WILL LOOK GREAT WITH YOUR COP UNIFORM.
ROSEANNE, DID I TELL YOU? MY T.
O.
LET ME TAKE THE COLLAR ON A D.
W.
I.
N.
O.
THEY USUALLY DON'T LET ROOKIES TAKE THE COLLAR.
REALLY? YEAH.
THAT'S GREAT.
HOW ABOUT YOU, ROSEANNE, HOW'S YOUR JOB GOIN'? SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS STILL BACK AT WELLMAN, I SWEAR.
[GASPS.]
BITE YOUR TONGUE.
AND NOW HE'S GONNA MAKE ME WORK WEEKENDS.
YOU'RE KIDDING! HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM AND TOLD HIM HOW YOU FEEL? WELL, OF COURSE YOU HAVE.
ROSEANNE, YOU SHOULD QUIT THAT JOB.
AND DO WHAT, GO BACK INTO MEDICINE? NOW, I'M SERIOUS.
HAVE YOU REALLY TRIED TALKING TO HIM? YOU KNOW, BUTTER HIM UP, TURN ON THE OLD CHARM.
HEY, I'M NOT KISSING UP TO SOME DWEEBY LITTLE KID JUST 'CAUSE HE HOLDS MY LIFE IN HIS HANDS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KISS UP TO HIM.
JUST TREAT HIM A LITTLE BETTER.
YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT.
YEAH, LIKE NOT CALLING HIM "THE LITTLE MAGGOT.
" BELIEVE ME, ROSEANNE, I WOULDN'T BE WHERE I AM TODAY IF I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE PEOPLE.
TRUTH IS, ROSEANNE, YOU COULD USE SOME WORK ON YOUR INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
STICK IT.
SHE'S AN EXPERT ON INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
SHE'S RAISING 3 KIDS.
JUST IMAGINE BRIAN AS ONE OF YOUR KIDS.
Jackie, laughing: I'M SERIOUS.
YOU KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THAT GUY.
YEAH.
YOU'RE THE MOST MANIPULATIVE PERSON I KNOW.
NO, I MEAN REALLY.
YOU KNOW, UP UNTIL THIS WEEKEND THING, THAT JOB WAS WORKIN' OUT PRETTY GOOD.
I WAS ABLE TO BE HOME BEFORE D.
J.
GOT HERE.
IT WAS THIS CLOSE TO BEING BEARABLE.
UH-OH.
BIG POWWOW IN THE HEN HOUSE.
GET IN HERE.
YES, DEAR.
HI, HONEY.
HI, HONEY.
HI, HONEY.
OOH, A THREESOME! YOU WISH.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY? YOU WON'T BELIEVE.
OH, MAN, SO I UNLOADED THE REST OF THAT SHEET ROCK ON EDDIE GRISWOLD.
GOOD.
WELL, WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT ME NOW.
YOU KNOW BRIAN? THE LITTLE MAGGOT? HE'S GONNA MAKE ME WORK WEEKENDS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM YOU COULDN'T? OH, GEE, NOW, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? WE WERE JUST SUGGESTING THAT SHE USE HER NATURAL ABILITIES AND SUCK UP TO THE GUY.
YOU CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY THAN WITH VINEGAR.
OH, A MEETING OF MINDS.
THAT'S GOOD ADVICE, ROSEANNE.
THAT'S HOW CAREERS ARE MADE.
JUST TREAT THE GUY LIKE YOU RESPECT HIM AND, UH, ACT LIKE YOU THINK HE'S GREAT, AND KEEP YOUR REAL FEELINGS TO YOURSELF.
OH, YOU MEAN, UH, I SHOULD TREAT HIM LIKE HE'S MY HUSBAND? BINGO.
YOU JUST TREAT HIM LIKE YOU TREAT ME, AND I GUARANTEE YOU HE WON'T WANNA BE ANYWHERE NEAR YOU ON WEEKENDS.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M SO BAD AT MAKING DECISIONS.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT'S LOW-CHOLESTEROL? NAPKINS.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TAKE THE NUMBER 2 DINNER.
NO.
NUMBER 4.
NO, WAIT.
I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU NEED SOME MORE TIME TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND? YOU KNOW, THAT WAY I COULD GO AHEAD AND WAIT ON THIS GUY BEHIND YOU WHO'S DROOLING ALL OVER YOUR SHOULDER.
YEAH, OK.
NO, I'LL ORDER NOW.
YEAH.
OK NO.
I'LL ORDER NOW.
[HUMMING OLD MacDONALD'S FARM.]
WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND? PSYCHOTHERAPY.
ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW.
GIVE ME THE CHICKEN DAINTY PLATTER.
WHAT THE HECK, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, RIGHT? YEAH, AND WHY DRAG IT OUT? ROSEANNE, GO AHEAD AND CLEAR OUT YOUR REGISTER.
HEY, HEY, BRIAN.
YOU KNOW, YOUR MUSTANG IS LOOKING AWESOME.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S A CLASSIC.
OH, FOR SURE.
HAVE A NICE DAY, SIR.
PLEASE COME AGAIN.
UM, YOU KNOW, IF YOU EVER NEED THAT LITTLE BEAUTY WASHED, UH, MY DAD DOES RUN THE JACK-O-WASH, AND ALL MY FRIENDS GET IN FOR FREE.
THEY USE RAGS OR BRUSHES? WELL, ANYTHING YOU WANT.
JUST SAY YOU'RE A FRIEND OF MINE ANDREW.
THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
I'LL KEEP IT IN MIND.
NO SWEAT, GUY.
HE'S SUCH A SUCK-UP.
BRIAN? IF I STAY LATE TONIGHT TO DO SIDE WORK, I'M GONNA BE INTO OVERTIME FOR THE WEEK, AND YOU TOLD ME TO ALWAYS LET YOU KNOW.
SO, IS THAT OK? 'CAUSE I COULD REALLY USE THE EXTRA MONEY.
NO.
GO HOME.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
ANDREW, YOU FEEL LIKE WORKING SOME OVERTIME? COOL.
ALL RIGHT.
CLEAN OUT THE FRY BINS.
ROSEANNE, YOU CAN HEAD OUT, TOO.
WELL, DON'T FEEL BAD, TINA.
IT'S NOT WORTH ACTING LIKE ANDREW JUST TO GET YOUR OWN CAR.
THAT'S FOR SURE.
'COURSE, UNLESS YOU'VE GOT A HUSBAND AND 3 KIDS.
THAT'S FOR SURE.
YEAH.
I GUESS YOU CAN CATCH MORE FLIES WITH MANURE THAN YOU CAN WITH HONEY.
DAMN IT! WHAT? I CAN'T FASTEN THE CHOKE SPRING! WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU MAKIN'? DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CARBURETORS? THEY GO UNDER THE HOOD.
WHY? I'M IN BIG TROUBLE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? I'M FLUNKING SHOP.
WELL, THAT'S A SIGN OF INTELLIGENCE.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO FLUNK SHOP.
'CAUSE IF MY GRADE POINT AVERAGE FALLS BELOW 3.
5, THEN THE SCHOOL WON'T LET ME KEEP MY JOB AND IF I LOSE MY JOB, I LOSE MY CAR AND IF I LOSE MY CAR, I'M NOTHING.
WELL, I DON'T MEAN TO DROP NAMES OR NOTHIN', BUT I JUST HAPPEN TO KNOW THE BEST CARBURETOR MAN IN TOWN.
I DON'T SUPPOSE HE OWES YOU A FAVOR? YEAH, ABOUT 15 YEARS WORTH BOSS.
[VACUUM CLEANER RUNNING.]
BRIAN KAMEN IS COMING HERE FOR DINNER? DOOFY BRIAN KAMEN?! NO, MR.
BRIAN KAMEN, MY BOSS.
WHY IS HE EATING HERE? HE HAS PARENTS.
'CAUSE YOUR DAD'S GONNA HELP HIM WITH SOMETHING.
WITH WHAT, A ZIT? AND WE'RE JUST GOING TO HAPPEN TO HAVE HIS FAVORITE DINNER ON THE TABLE, TOO.
WHAT'S HIS FAVORITE DINNER? WIENERS.
EVEN THE FLAT-HEADS DON'T HANG OUT WITH HIM.
WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER? HE'S PLAYING HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK.
WITH WHO? WITH YOU.
OH, YEAH.
RIGHT.
WHERE'S HE HIDING? I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU.
WELL, I SURE HOPE I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO FIND HIM BEFORE WE HAVE DINNER.
GEE, I WONDER WHERE HE--[GASPS.]
DAVID JACOB, I SEE YOU.
YOU'RE IT! NOW YOU HIDE.
NO, YOU GO HIDE FOR ME 'CAUSE YOU ARE SO GOOD AT BEIN' IT.
OK.
HEY, HI, SIS.
HOW YOU DOIN'? PRETTY GOOD.
MY! EXPECTING COMPANY? AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM.
ANYBODY GOOD? NO.
WHAT A LAUGH YOU'LL HAVE WHEN I TELL YOU.
OH, TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME.
MY BOSS.
THE LITTLE MAGGOT? UH-HUH.
WELL, VERY GOOD, ROSEANNE.
I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.
WHAT TIME IS HE COMIN' OVER? HE'LL BE HERE IN ABOUT A HALF-HOUR.
PLENTY OF TIME FOR YOU TO EAT AND GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE COMES UP.
OH, I CAN STAY.
I DON'T GO ON DUTY TILL 8:00.
NO.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE ME GROVEL.
PLEASE.
LET ME STICK AROUND FOR THE INITIAL GREASING.
NO.
YOU'LL JUST MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE.
HOW DO I MAKE IT WORSE? WITH THAT GREAT KNACK YOU HAVE FOR SAYING THE WRONG THING AT THE WRONG TIME.
WELL, DAN'S GONNA BE HERE, AND YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING HOW TACTLESS HE IS.
HI, JACKIE.
HOW'S THE HERPES? DID YOU GET GOOD CHIPS? YEAH.
2 6-PACKS OF BAILEY'S OLD-STYLE ROOT BEER.
WHERE'S D.
J.
? I'LL LOOK FOR HIM LATER.
I THINK YOU'RE GOING WAY OVERBOARD ON THIS DEAL.
ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO REBUILD JUNIOR'S CARBURETOR FOR HIM? ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME? YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME TO KISS UP TO THE GUY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO KISS UP TO HIM.
I JUST SAID TREAT HIM RIGHT.
OH, PLEASE, YOU'VE GOTTA LET ME STICK AROUND AND WATCH THIS.
JACKIE, GO TO WORK.
AND HE BETTER BRING HIS OWN TOOLS, 'CAUSE HE'S NOT USIN' MINE.
DAN, HE CAN USE ANYTHING HE WANTS AS LONG AS I DON'T HAVE TO WORK ON SATURDAY.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
WOULD SOMEBODY LET THE LITTLE MAGGOT IN?! HI.
HOPE I'M NOT LATE.
I CAME RIGHT FROM THE OFFICE.
LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT FOR YA, HUH? OH, THANKS.
YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.
YEAH? YOU GO TO LANFORD, RIGHT? YEAH.
FIFTH PERIOD LUNCH, RIGHT? YEAH.
HOW YOU DOIN'? DAN CONNER.
HUSBAND, FATHER, CARBURETOR SPECIALIST.
OH, I REALLY APPRECIATE-- COME ON OUT TO THE GARAGE.
YOU CAN HEAR THE DINNER BELL FROM THERE.
YOU KNOW, I GOT AS FAR AS PUTTING ON THE CHOKE SPRING, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AFTER THAT, COMING OVER HERE WAS A GOOD START.
YEAH.
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
LOOK, UH CAN WE TALK MAN-TO-MAN HERE, PAL? OH, YEAH.
YEAH, SURE.
GOOD.
WELL, HERE'S THE DEAL I DON'T WANNA BE A SHOP TEACHER, AND YOU DON'T WANNA BE A GARAGE MECHANIC.
SO, WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET ME PUT THIS THING TOGETHER FOR YOU, YOU TAKE IT IN, YOU GET THE CREDIT, AND YOU EASE UP ON MY WIFE.
I HAVE NEVER COME ON TO YOUR WIFE.
GOOD.
GOOD.
UM BUT WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT WAS MAKING HER WORK WEEKENDS.
LOOK, MR.
CONNER, I HAVE A JOB TO DO.
WHOOPS! MR.
FUMBLE-THUMBS! PARTS EVERYWHERE.
ROSEANNE'S THE BEST PERSON I GOT DOWN THERE.
REALLY, THAT'S-- THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I WANT HER WORKING ON THE WEEKENDS.
WELL, WE NEED HER TO WORK HERE ON WEEKENDS.
SCHEDULES CAN BE CHANGED.
GOOD.
I COULD'VE HAD A NEW CAR RIGHT AWAY, BUT WHEN I SAW MY STINGER, OHH IT WAS LIKE FALLING IN LOVE.
OH, SO THAT'S WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE.
YES, DEAR.
IT'S LIKE CAR OWNERSHIP.
YEP.
SO I WAITED.
I SAVED UP FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR, AND NOW I AM THE OWNER OF ONE LEAN, MEAN DRIVING MACHINE.
AND THE WOMEN GO WILD FOR IT.
MORE MILK? ACTUALLY, I SHOULD GET GOING.
ALREADY? YEAH.
UH THANKS FOR DINNER, THOUGH.
IT WAS REALLY NICE MEETING ALL OF YOU.
YEP.
A MILLION THANKS.
YOU'RE KEEPING THE, UH, KAMEN LEGEND ALIVE.
DON'T MENTION IT.
UM, BRIAN, UH, I REALLY DO NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT WORK.
ROSEANNE, I THINK MY OFFICE IS THE PLACE FOR THAT.
WELL, LET'S JUST GO STEP INTO MY OFFICE, HUH? IT WON'T TAKE LONG.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO SEE, YOU KNOW, HOW IMPORTANT MY FAMILY IS AND HOW IMPORTANT IT IS WE'RE TOGETHER, 'CAUSE WEEKENDS ARE THE ONLY TIME THAT WE HAVE TOGETHER.
ROSEANNE I MEAN, I WANNA BE A TEAM PLAYER AND ALL LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW, BUT MY FAMILY'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME, TOO.
ROSEANNE, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU NEED TO BE WITH YOUR FAMILY.
YOU DO? YEAH, AND YOU CAN'T WORK WEEKENDS.
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, RIGHT? YEAH.
EXACTLY.
WELL, THERE IT IS.
YOU CAN PICK UP YOUR LAST CHECK ON MONDAY.
WHAT?! YOU'RE FIRED.
WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU, BUB? WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU BEEN IN THIS HOUSE 3 HOURS, YOU COULDN'T SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THIS-- HEY, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY, YOU WAIT A MINUTE, PAL! [BOTH SHOUTING.]
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? I HAD TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK FOR YOU, AND NOW YOU FIRE-- DAN, PLEASE.
OK, NOW JUST SLOW DOWN.
NOW, YOU'RE FIRING ME OVER THIS WEEKEND THING, RIGHT? I MEAN, YOU'RE REALLY FIRING ME? HEY, I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE SORRY? YOU'RE GONNA BE SORRY, 'CAUSE I'M THE BEST WORKER YOU'VE GOT DOWN THERE.
NO.
YOU'RE FAST, BUT YOUR ATTITUDE STINKS.
WELL, SOMETHING STINKS IN HERE, BRI, BUT IT AIN'T MY ATTITUDE.
LISTEN, KID, I NEED THAT JOB, AND I HATE LIKE HELL THAT I DO, BUT I NEED IT.
AND I'M NOT WORKIN' THERE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ALLOWANCE.
I'M PAYING A MORTGAGE AND PUTTIN' FOOD ON THE TABLE AND BUYING CLOTHES FOR 3 KIDS.
I DON'T THINK YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT.
I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.
YOU'RE NOT, UH, GROWN-UP ENOUGH YET TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS TURN OUT THE WAY YOU PLAN IT TO BE, AND SOMETIMES YOU END UP DOING STUFF THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER DO IN A MILLION YEARS, BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO DO IT 'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING ELSE YOU CAN DO.
OH, YOU DON'T WANNA LEAVE WITHOUT YOUR CARBURETOR AND YOUR COIL SPRING.
AND HERE'S YOUR BUTTERFLY VALVE.
AND DON'T FORGET YOUR SECONDARIES.
BRIAN WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT? [WHISTLES.]
WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
IT'S AN OCCASION.
YEAH.
I'VE DEFINITELY SUNK TO AN ALL-TIME NEW LOW.
I'VE BEEN FIRED BY OPIE.
WELL, LET'S LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.
KID'S A LOSER.
BY THE TIME HE'S OUR AGE, HE'LL BE A LONELY, BITTER MULTIMILLIONAIRE.
I PITY HIM.
WELL YOU'LL DEFINITELY HAVE MORE TIME TO SPEND WITH YOUR FAMILY NOW.
COZY EVENINGS AROUND THE HEARTH SING-ALONGS.
IT'LL BE LOADS OF FUN.
HMM.
YEAH, TILL WE HAVE TO BREAK DOWN AND EAT ONE OF THE CHILDREN.
WE'RE OK.
I BEEN WORKIN' A LOT.
I GOT STUFF LINED UP.
YOU'LL FIND SOMETHING, SOMETHING BETTER.
YEAH, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT A CAREER IN DIPLOMACY.
I THINK THAT'S DEFINITELY YOUR CALLING.
MAYBE AN AMBASSADORSHIP.
YEAH.
TO THE BAHAMAS.
OH, THERE'S LOADS OF UNREST DOWN THERE.
THEY'LL NEED SOMEBODY WHO CAN LAY ON THE BEACH AND DRINK MARGARITAS.
YEAH.
AND JUST IMAGINE ALL THE GALA LUNCHEONS, THE PARTIES, THE DANCES I HEAR THEY'RE HIRING OVER AT BUCKY BURGER.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL D.
J.
! NOTHING? NOTHING.
D.
J.
, BEDTIME! GAME'S OVER, SON! HE'S NOT IN THE GARAGE.
I DON'T THINK HE'S IN THE HOUSE.
WELL, HE'S GOTTA BE SOMEWHERE.
WELL, MAYBE WE OUGHT TO CALL SOMEBODY.
[WHISPERS.]
Dan [SLEEPILY.]
YOU'RE IT.
SO I'M GONNA DROP YOU OFF AT YOUR GAME A LITTLE BIT EARLY AND THEN IF BECKY EVER FINISHES THE LIVING ROOM, WE'LL ALL GO DOWN TO THE BUDGET CLUB AND I'LL GET YOUR SNEAKERS, AND I'LL PICK UP THAT TIRE FOR THE CAR.
YOUR GAME OUGHT TO BE FINISHED BY THEN.
THEN ALLS I'LL HAVE LEFT TO DO IS GO IN FOR MY BIKINI WAX.
GIVE ME MY PAPER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? I AM RUNNIN' THIS HOUSE WITH NO HELP FROM YOU.
AND DOIN' A HELL OF A JOB.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? YOU WEREN'T EVEN LISTENING.
YEAH, I WAS.
WHAT DID I SAY? I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETHING ABOUT TURTLE-WAXING YOUR BIKINI.
ENHHH! I'M SORRY, MR.
CONNER.
I GUESS THAT HANDSOME DINETTE SET WILL HAVE TO GO TO OUR RETURNING CHAMPION.
WHY CAN'T WE DO ALL THIS ON SUNDAY? 'CAUSE THERE'S A GAME ON SUNDAY YOUR MOM WANTS TO WATCH.
YEAH.
BECKY, PLATE.
HONEY? FEELING A LITTLE TENSE, IRRITABLE, PECKISH? MAYBE IT'S YOUR HAIR COLOR.
MAYBE IT'S MY JOB.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD QUIT THAT JOB.
AND DO WHAT? ALL THE POWER JOBS ARE TAKEN.
MARGARET'S RUNNING ENGLAND, VANNA'S TURNIN' THE LETTERS OVER, AND DELTA BURKE HAS HER OWN DAMN TV SHOW.
ARE YOU GONNA BE LATE TONIGHT? NO.
I ONLY GOT A HALF DAY'S WORTH OF FINISHING WORK TO DO.
WELL, I GOTTA GO, BECAUSE I GOT A STAFF MEETING, AND MY BOSS FREAKS OUT IF ANYBODY'S LATE.
YOU MIND GETTIN' DINNER TONIGHT? OK.
YEAH.
WHAT DO I GOTTA DO? WELL, YOU STAND UP AND THEN YOU GO OVER HERE AND TAKE THE STUFF OUT OF THIS COLD BOX.
BRR! AND THEN YOU TROT IT RIGHT OVER HERE AND YOU STICK IT IN THIS HOT BOX.
WHAT WAS THAT MIDDLE PART AGAIN? PICK UP A GROSS OF BOWLING BALLS ON THE WAY HOME, WILL YA? AND ANOTHER THING, UNIFORMS.
STARCH THOSE APRON BOWS, LADIES.
WASH THEM EVERY DAY AND GET YOUR MOMS TO IRON THEM.
OH, I HAVE A QUESTION.
WHAT IF YOUR MOM HAS REALLY BAD RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS, YOU KNOW? AND, UH, SAY SHE'S, LIKE, LIVING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE INTERNATIONAL DATE LINE, YOU KNOW? THEN SHOULD YOU, LIKE, GET YOUR KIDS TO DO IT? I DON'T CARE, LIKE, WHO DOES IT, BUT WE HAVE GOTTA START LOOKING LIKE PROFESSIONALS OR NO ONE'S GONNA TAKE US SERIOUSLY.
UM, THE BEAK KEEPS FALLING OFF MY APRON.
AND LET'S PERK UP THE CUSTOMERS, ALL RIGHT? THEY EAT MORE.
"THEYEATMORE.
" HE'S TAKIN' NOTES.
SINCE I THOUGHT OF HAVING THE FEEDBACK BOX PUT IN-- YEAH? GOTTEN A LOT OF DISTURBING COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE FRIES.
"OILY AND NO TASTE.
" OH, NO, THAT WAS ABOUT THE OWNERS.
Manager: NOW SO FAR, THE BIGGEST COMPLAINT WE'VE HAD IS SPEED-- PEOPLE WAITING NOW, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FAST FOOD, PEOPLE, AND WE CAN'T EXACTLY CALL IT FAST.
WHY NOT? WE CALL IT FOOD.
LOOK THE BOTTOM LINE HERE IS THAT SOME OF YOU ARE JUST NOT PLAYING TO CAPACITY WHICH MEANS I'VE HAD TO DO SOME PLATOONING AND JUGGLE THE SCHEDULE A BIT.
SO, JAY, WEDNESDAYS AND FRIDAYS, YOU'RE ON NIGHTS.
COME ON, BRIAN, MAN.
ALL RIGHT, ANDREW AND DEBBIE, MONDAYS AND THURSDAYS, YOU OPEN.
I, UH--I DO HAVE A BIG MATH TEST ON MONDAY, BUT I--I WILL BE HERE.
UH, ROSEANNE, YOU'RE OFF ON WEDNESDAY, BUT YOU'RE HERE ON SATURDAY.
OK, THAT'S IT.
LET'S OPEN.
NOW, REMEMBER, PERKY! UM, BRIAN REMEMBER WE HAD THIS DISCUSSION? I CAN'T WORK ON WEEKENDS BECAUSE I HAVE A FAMILY.
WELL, THIS IS A FAMILY, TOO.
YEAH, BUT IT AIN'T MY FAMILY.
LOOK, ROSEANNE, WEEKENDS ARE WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, AND I NEED SOMEBODY FAST.
WELL, I CAN BE FLEXIBLE.
I COULD SLOW DOWN.
LOOK, I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT? THAT NEGATIVE ATTITUDE OF YOURS, IT'S GONNA GET YOU NOWHERE.
THIS IS NOWHERE.
I DON'T LIKE WORKING WEEKENDS, EITHER.
I KNOW, AND THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER DO.
YOU JUST SIT UP THERE IN YOUR OFFICE LIKE A LITTLE CHICKEN NAPOLEON, MAKING YOUR LITTLE CHICKEN SCHEDULES THAT SCREW UP EVERYBODY'S LIFE.
I TOLD YOU IN THE BEGINNING I WAS NOT WORKIN' WEEKENDS.
YOU ARE PAID TO FOLLOW MY ORDERS.
NOW, IT ISN'T ALWAYS PRETTY, BUT THIS IS THE BUSINESS WE'VE CHOSEN.
YOU GOT A BIG BOOGER HANGIN' OUT OF YOUR NOSE.
IS THIS MOISTURIZER ANY GOOD? EVERYTHING I GOT IS GOOD.
THAT'S ONE OF MY BIG SELLERS.
HEY, YOU KNOW? I'M GONNA ASK FOR A SECOND DISTRICT.
REALLY? THAT'S GREAT.
OH, ROSEANNE, I LIKE THIS PRUSSIAN BLUE.
OH, YEAH.
THAT WILL LOOK GREAT WITH YOUR COP UNIFORM.
ROSEANNE, DID I TELL YOU? MY T.
O.
LET ME TAKE THE COLLAR ON A D.
W.
I.
N.
O.
THEY USUALLY DON'T LET ROOKIES TAKE THE COLLAR.
REALLY? YEAH.
THAT'S GREAT.
HOW ABOUT YOU, ROSEANNE, HOW'S YOUR JOB GOIN'? SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS STILL BACK AT WELLMAN, I SWEAR.
[GASPS.]
BITE YOUR TONGUE.
AND NOW HE'S GONNA MAKE ME WORK WEEKENDS.
YOU'RE KIDDING! HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM AND TOLD HIM HOW YOU FEEL? WELL, OF COURSE YOU HAVE.
ROSEANNE, YOU SHOULD QUIT THAT JOB.
AND DO WHAT, GO BACK INTO MEDICINE? NOW, I'M SERIOUS.
HAVE YOU REALLY TRIED TALKING TO HIM? YOU KNOW, BUTTER HIM UP, TURN ON THE OLD CHARM.
HEY, I'M NOT KISSING UP TO SOME DWEEBY LITTLE KID JUST 'CAUSE HE HOLDS MY LIFE IN HIS HANDS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KISS UP TO HIM.
JUST TREAT HIM A LITTLE BETTER.
YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT.
YEAH, LIKE NOT CALLING HIM "THE LITTLE MAGGOT.
" BELIEVE ME, ROSEANNE, I WOULDN'T BE WHERE I AM TODAY IF I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE PEOPLE.
TRUTH IS, ROSEANNE, YOU COULD USE SOME WORK ON YOUR INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
STICK IT.
SHE'S AN EXPERT ON INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
SHE'S RAISING 3 KIDS.
JUST IMAGINE BRIAN AS ONE OF YOUR KIDS.
Jackie, laughing: I'M SERIOUS.
YOU KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THAT GUY.
YEAH.
YOU'RE THE MOST MANIPULATIVE PERSON I KNOW.
NO, I MEAN REALLY.
YOU KNOW, UP UNTIL THIS WEEKEND THING, THAT JOB WAS WORKIN' OUT PRETTY GOOD.
I WAS ABLE TO BE HOME BEFORE D.
J.
GOT HERE.
IT WAS THIS CLOSE TO BEING BEARABLE.
UH-OH.
BIG POWWOW IN THE HEN HOUSE.
GET IN HERE.
YES, DEAR.
HI, HONEY.
HI, HONEY.
HI, HONEY.
OOH, A THREESOME! YOU WISH.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY? YOU WON'T BELIEVE.
OH, MAN, SO I UNLOADED THE REST OF THAT SHEET ROCK ON EDDIE GRISWOLD.
GOOD.
WELL, WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT ME NOW.
YOU KNOW BRIAN? THE LITTLE MAGGOT? HE'S GONNA MAKE ME WORK WEEKENDS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM YOU COULDN'T? OH, GEE, NOW, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? WE WERE JUST SUGGESTING THAT SHE USE HER NATURAL ABILITIES AND SUCK UP TO THE GUY.
YOU CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY THAN WITH VINEGAR.
OH, A MEETING OF MINDS.
THAT'S GOOD ADVICE, ROSEANNE.
THAT'S HOW CAREERS ARE MADE.
JUST TREAT THE GUY LIKE YOU RESPECT HIM AND, UH, ACT LIKE YOU THINK HE'S GREAT, AND KEEP YOUR REAL FEELINGS TO YOURSELF.
OH, YOU MEAN, UH, I SHOULD TREAT HIM LIKE HE'S MY HUSBAND? BINGO.
YOU JUST TREAT HIM LIKE YOU TREAT ME, AND I GUARANTEE YOU HE WON'T WANNA BE ANYWHERE NEAR YOU ON WEEKENDS.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M SO BAD AT MAKING DECISIONS.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT'S LOW-CHOLESTEROL? NAPKINS.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TAKE THE NUMBER 2 DINNER.
NO.
NUMBER 4.
NO, WAIT.
I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU NEED SOME MORE TIME TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND? YOU KNOW, THAT WAY I COULD GO AHEAD AND WAIT ON THIS GUY BEHIND YOU WHO'S DROOLING ALL OVER YOUR SHOULDER.
YEAH, OK.
NO, I'LL ORDER NOW.
YEAH.
OK NO.
I'LL ORDER NOW.
[HUMMING OLD MacDONALD'S FARM.]
WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND? PSYCHOTHERAPY.
ALL RIGHT.
I KNOW.
GIVE ME THE CHICKEN DAINTY PLATTER.
WHAT THE HECK, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, RIGHT? YEAH, AND WHY DRAG IT OUT? ROSEANNE, GO AHEAD AND CLEAR OUT YOUR REGISTER.
HEY, HEY, BRIAN.
YOU KNOW, YOUR MUSTANG IS LOOKING AWESOME.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S A CLASSIC.
OH, FOR SURE.
HAVE A NICE DAY, SIR.
PLEASE COME AGAIN.
UM, YOU KNOW, IF YOU EVER NEED THAT LITTLE BEAUTY WASHED, UH, MY DAD DOES RUN THE JACK-O-WASH, AND ALL MY FRIENDS GET IN FOR FREE.
THEY USE RAGS OR BRUSHES? WELL, ANYTHING YOU WANT.
JUST SAY YOU'RE A FRIEND OF MINE ANDREW.
THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
I'LL KEEP IT IN MIND.
NO SWEAT, GUY.
HE'S SUCH A SUCK-UP.
BRIAN? IF I STAY LATE TONIGHT TO DO SIDE WORK, I'M GONNA BE INTO OVERTIME FOR THE WEEK, AND YOU TOLD ME TO ALWAYS LET YOU KNOW.
SO, IS THAT OK? 'CAUSE I COULD REALLY USE THE EXTRA MONEY.
NO.
GO HOME.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
ANDREW, YOU FEEL LIKE WORKING SOME OVERTIME? COOL.
ALL RIGHT.
CLEAN OUT THE FRY BINS.
ROSEANNE, YOU CAN HEAD OUT, TOO.
WELL, DON'T FEEL BAD, TINA.
IT'S NOT WORTH ACTING LIKE ANDREW JUST TO GET YOUR OWN CAR.
THAT'S FOR SURE.
'COURSE, UNLESS YOU'VE GOT A HUSBAND AND 3 KIDS.
THAT'S FOR SURE.
YEAH.
I GUESS YOU CAN CATCH MORE FLIES WITH MANURE THAN YOU CAN WITH HONEY.
DAMN IT! WHAT? I CAN'T FASTEN THE CHOKE SPRING! WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU MAKIN'? DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CARBURETORS? THEY GO UNDER THE HOOD.
WHY? I'M IN BIG TROUBLE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? I'M FLUNKING SHOP.
WELL, THAT'S A SIGN OF INTELLIGENCE.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO FLUNK SHOP.
'CAUSE IF MY GRADE POINT AVERAGE FALLS BELOW 3.
5, THEN THE SCHOOL WON'T LET ME KEEP MY JOB AND IF I LOSE MY JOB, I LOSE MY CAR AND IF I LOSE MY CAR, I'M NOTHING.
WELL, I DON'T MEAN TO DROP NAMES OR NOTHIN', BUT I JUST HAPPEN TO KNOW THE BEST CARBURETOR MAN IN TOWN.
I DON'T SUPPOSE HE OWES YOU A FAVOR? YEAH, ABOUT 15 YEARS WORTH BOSS.
[VACUUM CLEANER RUNNING.]
BRIAN KAMEN IS COMING HERE FOR DINNER? DOOFY BRIAN KAMEN?! NO, MR.
BRIAN KAMEN, MY BOSS.
WHY IS HE EATING HERE? HE HAS PARENTS.
'CAUSE YOUR DAD'S GONNA HELP HIM WITH SOMETHING.
WITH WHAT, A ZIT? AND WE'RE JUST GOING TO HAPPEN TO HAVE HIS FAVORITE DINNER ON THE TABLE, TOO.
WHAT'S HIS FAVORITE DINNER? WIENERS.
EVEN THE FLAT-HEADS DON'T HANG OUT WITH HIM.
WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER? HE'S PLAYING HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK.
WITH WHO? WITH YOU.
OH, YEAH.
RIGHT.
WHERE'S HE HIDING? I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU.
WELL, I SURE HOPE I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO FIND HIM BEFORE WE HAVE DINNER.
GEE, I WONDER WHERE HE--[GASPS.]
DAVID JACOB, I SEE YOU.
YOU'RE IT! NOW YOU HIDE.
NO, YOU GO HIDE FOR ME 'CAUSE YOU ARE SO GOOD AT BEIN' IT.
OK.
HEY, HI, SIS.
HOW YOU DOIN'? PRETTY GOOD.
MY! EXPECTING COMPANY? AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM.
ANYBODY GOOD? NO.
WHAT A LAUGH YOU'LL HAVE WHEN I TELL YOU.
OH, TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME.
MY BOSS.
THE LITTLE MAGGOT? UH-HUH.
WELL, VERY GOOD, ROSEANNE.
I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.
WHAT TIME IS HE COMIN' OVER? HE'LL BE HERE IN ABOUT A HALF-HOUR.
PLENTY OF TIME FOR YOU TO EAT AND GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE COMES UP.
OH, I CAN STAY.
I DON'T GO ON DUTY TILL 8:00.
NO.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE ME GROVEL.
PLEASE.
LET ME STICK AROUND FOR THE INITIAL GREASING.
NO.
YOU'LL JUST MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE.
HOW DO I MAKE IT WORSE? WITH THAT GREAT KNACK YOU HAVE FOR SAYING THE WRONG THING AT THE WRONG TIME.
WELL, DAN'S GONNA BE HERE, AND YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING HOW TACTLESS HE IS.
HI, JACKIE.
HOW'S THE HERPES? DID YOU GET GOOD CHIPS? YEAH.
2 6-PACKS OF BAILEY'S OLD-STYLE ROOT BEER.
WHERE'S D.
J.
? I'LL LOOK FOR HIM LATER.
I THINK YOU'RE GOING WAY OVERBOARD ON THIS DEAL.
ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO REBUILD JUNIOR'S CARBURETOR FOR HIM? ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME? YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME TO KISS UP TO THE GUY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO KISS UP TO HIM.
I JUST SAID TREAT HIM RIGHT.
OH, PLEASE, YOU'VE GOTTA LET ME STICK AROUND AND WATCH THIS.
JACKIE, GO TO WORK.
AND HE BETTER BRING HIS OWN TOOLS, 'CAUSE HE'S NOT USIN' MINE.
DAN, HE CAN USE ANYTHING HE WANTS AS LONG AS I DON'T HAVE TO WORK ON SATURDAY.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
WOULD SOMEBODY LET THE LITTLE MAGGOT IN?! HI.
HOPE I'M NOT LATE.
I CAME RIGHT FROM THE OFFICE.
LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT FOR YA, HUH? OH, THANKS.
YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.
YEAH? YOU GO TO LANFORD, RIGHT? YEAH.
FIFTH PERIOD LUNCH, RIGHT? YEAH.
HOW YOU DOIN'? DAN CONNER.
HUSBAND, FATHER, CARBURETOR SPECIALIST.
OH, I REALLY APPRECIATE-- COME ON OUT TO THE GARAGE.
YOU CAN HEAR THE DINNER BELL FROM THERE.
YOU KNOW, I GOT AS FAR AS PUTTING ON THE CHOKE SPRING, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AFTER THAT, COMING OVER HERE WAS A GOOD START.
YEAH.
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
LOOK, UH CAN WE TALK MAN-TO-MAN HERE, PAL? OH, YEAH.
YEAH, SURE.
GOOD.
WELL, HERE'S THE DEAL I DON'T WANNA BE A SHOP TEACHER, AND YOU DON'T WANNA BE A GARAGE MECHANIC.
SO, WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET ME PUT THIS THING TOGETHER FOR YOU, YOU TAKE IT IN, YOU GET THE CREDIT, AND YOU EASE UP ON MY WIFE.
I HAVE NEVER COME ON TO YOUR WIFE.
GOOD.
GOOD.
UM BUT WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT WAS MAKING HER WORK WEEKENDS.
LOOK, MR.
CONNER, I HAVE A JOB TO DO.
WHOOPS! MR.
FUMBLE-THUMBS! PARTS EVERYWHERE.
ROSEANNE'S THE BEST PERSON I GOT DOWN THERE.
REALLY, THAT'S-- THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I WANT HER WORKING ON THE WEEKENDS.
WELL, WE NEED HER TO WORK HERE ON WEEKENDS.
SCHEDULES CAN BE CHANGED.
GOOD.
I COULD'VE HAD A NEW CAR RIGHT AWAY, BUT WHEN I SAW MY STINGER, OHH IT WAS LIKE FALLING IN LOVE.
OH, SO THAT'S WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE.
YES, DEAR.
IT'S LIKE CAR OWNERSHIP.
YEP.
SO I WAITED.
I SAVED UP FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR, AND NOW I AM THE OWNER OF ONE LEAN, MEAN DRIVING MACHINE.
AND THE WOMEN GO WILD FOR IT.
MORE MILK? ACTUALLY, I SHOULD GET GOING.
ALREADY? YEAH.
UH THANKS FOR DINNER, THOUGH.
IT WAS REALLY NICE MEETING ALL OF YOU.
YEP.
A MILLION THANKS.
YOU'RE KEEPING THE, UH, KAMEN LEGEND ALIVE.
DON'T MENTION IT.
UM, BRIAN, UH, I REALLY DO NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT WORK.
ROSEANNE, I THINK MY OFFICE IS THE PLACE FOR THAT.
WELL, LET'S JUST GO STEP INTO MY OFFICE, HUH? IT WON'T TAKE LONG.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO SEE, YOU KNOW, HOW IMPORTANT MY FAMILY IS AND HOW IMPORTANT IT IS WE'RE TOGETHER, 'CAUSE WEEKENDS ARE THE ONLY TIME THAT WE HAVE TOGETHER.
ROSEANNE I MEAN, I WANNA BE A TEAM PLAYER AND ALL LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW, BUT MY FAMILY'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME, TOO.
ROSEANNE, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU NEED TO BE WITH YOUR FAMILY.
YOU DO? YEAH, AND YOU CAN'T WORK WEEKENDS.
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, RIGHT? YEAH.
EXACTLY.
WELL, THERE IT IS.
YOU CAN PICK UP YOUR LAST CHECK ON MONDAY.
WHAT?! YOU'RE FIRED.
WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU, BUB? WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU BEEN IN THIS HOUSE 3 HOURS, YOU COULDN'T SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THIS-- HEY, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY, YOU WAIT A MINUTE, PAL! [BOTH SHOUTING.]
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? I HAD TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK FOR YOU, AND NOW YOU FIRE-- DAN, PLEASE.
OK, NOW JUST SLOW DOWN.
NOW, YOU'RE FIRING ME OVER THIS WEEKEND THING, RIGHT? I MEAN, YOU'RE REALLY FIRING ME? HEY, I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE SORRY? YOU'RE GONNA BE SORRY, 'CAUSE I'M THE BEST WORKER YOU'VE GOT DOWN THERE.
NO.
YOU'RE FAST, BUT YOUR ATTITUDE STINKS.
WELL, SOMETHING STINKS IN HERE, BRI, BUT IT AIN'T MY ATTITUDE.
LISTEN, KID, I NEED THAT JOB, AND I HATE LIKE HELL THAT I DO, BUT I NEED IT.
AND I'M NOT WORKIN' THERE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ALLOWANCE.
I'M PAYING A MORTGAGE AND PUTTIN' FOOD ON THE TABLE AND BUYING CLOTHES FOR 3 KIDS.
I DON'T THINK YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT.
I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.
YOU'RE NOT, UH, GROWN-UP ENOUGH YET TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS TURN OUT THE WAY YOU PLAN IT TO BE, AND SOMETIMES YOU END UP DOING STUFF THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER DO IN A MILLION YEARS, BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO DO IT 'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING ELSE YOU CAN DO.
OH, YOU DON'T WANNA LEAVE WITHOUT YOUR CARBURETOR AND YOUR COIL SPRING.
AND HERE'S YOUR BUTTERFLY VALVE.
AND DON'T FORGET YOUR SECONDARIES.
BRIAN WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT? [WHISTLES.]
WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
IT'S AN OCCASION.
YEAH.
I'VE DEFINITELY SUNK TO AN ALL-TIME NEW LOW.
I'VE BEEN FIRED BY OPIE.
WELL, LET'S LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.
KID'S A LOSER.
BY THE TIME HE'S OUR AGE, HE'LL BE A LONELY, BITTER MULTIMILLIONAIRE.
I PITY HIM.
WELL YOU'LL DEFINITELY HAVE MORE TIME TO SPEND WITH YOUR FAMILY NOW.
COZY EVENINGS AROUND THE HEARTH SING-ALONGS.
IT'LL BE LOADS OF FUN.
HMM.
YEAH, TILL WE HAVE TO BREAK DOWN AND EAT ONE OF THE CHILDREN.
WE'RE OK.
I BEEN WORKIN' A LOT.
I GOT STUFF LINED UP.
YOU'LL FIND SOMETHING, SOMETHING BETTER.
YEAH, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT A CAREER IN DIPLOMACY.
I THINK THAT'S DEFINITELY YOUR CALLING.
MAYBE AN AMBASSADORSHIP.
YEAH.
TO THE BAHAMAS.
OH, THERE'S LOADS OF UNREST DOWN THERE.
THEY'LL NEED SOMEBODY WHO CAN LAY ON THE BEACH AND DRINK MARGARITAS.
YEAH.
AND JUST IMAGINE ALL THE GALA LUNCHEONS, THE PARTIES, THE DANCES I HEAR THEY'RE HIRING OVER AT BUCKY BURGER.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL D.
J.
! NOTHING? NOTHING.
D.
J.
, BEDTIME! GAME'S OVER, SON! HE'S NOT IN THE GARAGE.
I DON'T THINK HE'S IN THE HOUSE.
WELL, HE'S GOTTA BE SOMEWHERE.
WELL, MAYBE WE OUGHT TO CALL SOMEBODY.
[WHISPERS.]
Dan [SLEEPILY.]
YOU'RE IT.