Rules of Engagement s02e13 Episode Script

How great would it be if I cracked this open and a chicken flew out? That'd be unbelievable.
We'd be talking about it forever.
Plus, I'd sue this place for millions, buy a house in the woods, maybe a boat.
Aw, man.
Why didn't I order an egg? And plus, I'll have to grow some corn.
Why? Feed the million-dollar chicken.
That's my boy.
So this is an actual conversation? Hey.
You're the one who's always asking what I'm thinking about.
Heh.
Not anymore.
I just talked to the landlord.
He said we have to pay to replace the broken sink.
He has to pay for normal wear and tear.
I don't think what we did qualifies as "normal" wear and tear, if you know what I mean.
Heh.
We had sex on it.
They knew what you meant.
I know.
I just wanted to say it.
Sex on the sink? How does that happen? We were getting ready for work, sharing a mirror, and You guys know how it is.
Mm.
Nothing says "take me" like the sight of spit and used dental floss.
Anyway, now they have to turn the water off for the whole bathroom for a couple days.
Look, I know it's weird to ask, but No, of course you can use our bathroom.
Audrey, I don't think she was gonna ask to use our bathroom.
Actually, yeah, I was.
Really? Pretty bold.
Would be our pleasure.
I'm sure you guys would do the same for us.
Oh, like we're ever gonna have sex on our sink.
Like a chicken's ever going to fly out of your egg.
Hey.
Look at the getup.
Look like a banker in a bad porno.
Like there's such a thing as a bad porno.
Well, yeah, that one you lent us last week was bad.
Us? We didn't watch any porno.
Were- Were you not there? Listen, the nerd costume's for my dad.
He's making his annual visit to the New York office, so So you're trying to trick him into thinking you actually give a crap about your job? Bingo, Mongo.
Give him a cookie.
Whatever it takes to keep the trust fund a-flowing.
Yeah, 'cause that's, like, 50 percent of what makes you attractive to women.
Oh.
Don't be polite.
We all know it's more like 90.
I don't buy it's just about money.
I think you actually want your dad's approval.
Audrey, you can't stuff approval in a stripper's G- string.
Well, actually, to a stripper, uh, money is approval.
Oh, thanks, Professor Horndog.
Thanks, honey.
Well, I'm gonna eat breakfast at the office, impress the old man with my work "ethic.
" Heh.
If I get there before 11, do I have to have someone let me in the building, or-? I'm good.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * There you go.
Time for your 11:30 stretching session.
Maybe today we'll both pull a muscle.
Mr.
Dunbar, your father's on his way up.
Ah All right.
Uh, just send him in when he gets here.
Yeah.
Damn it, O'Malley, if you can't get the job done, I'm giving it to Hannigan! Good day, sir! Oh, hey, Dad.
Russell.
Look at you.
Ah, hey.
You're getting so big.
Yeah.
I tell you, the development business ain't what it used to be.
Heh-heh.
How so? Oh.
Uh well, O'Malley and Hannigan and the buildings, and, uh And all that Democrats- Hey, so how was your flight? Great.
I told my pilot to dump the waste tank on your mother's apartment building.
Extremely satisfying.
You know who's gonna love that story? My therapist.
Let's walk.
So, uh- So, what brings you to New York? Uh, business, or just the special delivery to Mom? Well we're bidding on some projects in Shanghai, so we're making a PR video.
You know, to introduce Dunbar Worldwide to their local business community.
Uh, Shanghai is a great market, but you know where the real estate is still undervalued? Guangdong.
Guangdong.
I was thinking of exploring Guangdong.
That's not a real place, is it? Guangdong is a place? Yeah, it is.
You know, and it's- We should be exploring it.
That's a nice observation, uh? Adam.
Adam Rhodes.
Franklin Dunbar.
Yeah, Adam's, uh- Adam's my guy.
I hired him, trained him, took him under my wing.
Oh.
You must've had to duck down pretty low.
All right.
I get it, I get it.
I had that coming.
Okay.
Well, it's an honor to finally meet you, sir.
And I think I read something about you in the paper.
What was it? Ah, it's a damn paternity suit.
Oh, sorry.
No, no, no, that's okay.
I beat it.
So, what's that put your record at? Five and one.
Now, son, we've been over this.
Just because I went to court to try and prove you weren't mine doesn't mean I don't love you.
I know.
I mean, the appeal hurt a little bit, but Come on, come on.
Put 'em up! Okay.
You see, Adam? You see the kind of fun my boy and I have? Yes, sir.
Come on, let's walk.
You really are doing some good work here, Russell.
Say, there's a property down on Reade Street I'm supposed to acquire.
Run down there and check it out for me.
Me? Really? Yes.
I'd like your opinion.
Oh.
Well, you know this whole Hannigan-Flanagan thing just blew up in my face.
But, uh yeah, sure, I'll go.
Knew I could count on you.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Yeah? Wow.
He's finally giving you some responsibility.
I know.
I kind of overshot that one a bit.
I like to inherit my money, not earn it.
Cut the act.
You gotta feel good.
He's seeing you differently.
Ah, I don't want to get my hopes up.
That was the video director.
I've gotta go powwow with him.
Adam, great to meet you.
Oh, same here, sir.
And Russell, let's go to dinner tonight.
Yeah.
You like sushi? No, ac- Great.
Yamashiro's it is.
Oh, really? Come on.
Oh, which one of 'em's in there? Mm, Jen.
Again? She showered yesterday.
She have some sort of disorder? She got in there really early.
Aren't you usually dressed by now? Yeah.
Usually.
But you're not because you opened up our bathroom to the general public.
It's fine.
You hate being late for work.
This has gotta bug you.
Look, it's just till they get their sink.
This is what you do for friends.
Doesn't seem worth it.
Thanks again, guys.
You're welcome.
I'm gonna get dressed, and then off to look at sinks.
Great.
Don't be afraid to pick the first one you see.
You know that old saying: Pick the first sink you see.
See you later.
Finally.
No way! Me first! Hey.
Move it, Jeff.
That is, um- Oh, my God.
Oh, what the hell? This is a mess.
She didn't turn the fan on.
It's all steamy in here.
How am I supposed to shave? You shaved last night.
We got lucky this time.
I gotta get in the shower.
Oh-ho, look.
She finished the toilet paper and didn't replace the roll.
Yeah, if she left the toilet seat up, she'd be an honorary dude.
I'll just clean all this up.
Ew.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't.
You're gonna do it? No.
Just- I don't want things to be weird.
You serious? You're not gonna say anything about this? Jeff, it's nothing.
Nothing? If I left the bathroom like this, you'd call a divorce lawyer.
There's no more hot water.
I'm just gonna shower at the gym.
You know what your problem is? You can't be mad at anybody in the world except for me.
What? You can't tell them how you feel because you need to be liked.
And it's no risk to yell at me because legally, I have to love you.
You know what, Jeff? You're making me late for work, and this bathroom is a mess.
Why don't you clean it up? Legally I have to love her.
Oh, Adam, there you are.
Oh, Mr.
Dunbar.
Russell back from Reade Street yet? Not yet.
Good.
Uh, let's walk.
Oh, and I, uh, prepared a folder on Guangdong for you.
Ooh, great.
Oh, by the way, I read your proposal on the seaport project.
We're going to make each other rich.
Me more so than you.
Sounds great.
So, what can I do for you? Well, we're shooting this PR video, and I could use your help.
You're gonna be on camera a little.
Seriously? Yes.
You represent everything Dunbar stands for.
You're clean-cut, wholesome, and you're smart.
Thank you, sir.
Mm-hm.
I get to be in a movie.
So I think we'll just take it from the top of that last speech.
Okay.
So, what do you want me to do? I want you to sit at this desk here and act busy.
And when I come over, I'll put my hand on your shoulder, you simply look at the camera and smile.
Okay.
Oh.
As Dunbar Worldwide joins the Shanghai marketplace, let me assure you we share the same core values: honor, tradition and family.
After all, we are a family business.
I took it over from my father, and one day, I'll pass it on to my son Russell.
What? Cut.
All right, let's try that one more time.
Except this time big smile.
Oh.
You're kidding.
Russell's dad had you play his son instead of Russell? Yeah.
Why, 'cause you're good-looking? You think he's good-looking? Little soft for my taste.
It's not just about this, you know.
I mean, he thinks I'm really smart and I have good ideas.
Wow.
Russell's dad has Alzheimer's.
Maybe the old guy just wants to get in your pants.
And if you know what's good for your career you'll let him.
You know, I'm just worried that when Russell finds out what his dad did, he'll be really hurt.
Wow.
It's weird to think Russell's capable of emotion.
Wait, is horny an emotion? I mean, he acts like he doesn't care what his dad thinks, but I know he does.
Every son wants to make his father proud.
I cinched that in third grade when I beat up a fifth-grader for making fun of my chest hair.
I don't think Russell could beat up a fifth-grader now.
Or grow chest hair.
What should I do? I mean, you think I should tell him? Well, is he ever gonna see the video? Probably not.
It's- It's only in China.
Yeah, so maybe I'll just keep my mouth shut, huh? That's a pretty good rule of thumb for you in general.
Oh, hey, Jen, how was uh, sink shopping? It was kind of overwhelming.
You wouldn't believe how many different types they have.
Undermount, console, vessel.
Did you find anything you like? Did you buy one? Hey, we're not putting you guys out? 'Cause we don't want to do that.
No.
Absolutely not.
No.
We're happy to help.
Well I did find one I liked.
What do you think of this one? Oh, it's really nice.
I like the brushed nickel.
You think it's worth the three-week back order? Well I do.
I mean you're welcome to continue using our bathroom while you wait.
Right, Audrey? Yeah.
As long as you need it.
I'll order this one.
Thanks.
Well, if it isn't Little Lord Fauntleroy.
Is that another new suit? Yes, it is.
Good eye.
You know, Franklin's finally coming around, putting a little trust in me, and I plan on showing him I can handle any work he needs me to do.
Hey, by the way, how'd that property on Reade Street look? Ah, crap.
Audrey, guess who hit the game-winning home run? You? No, no.
Allison, the team's token chick.
It's- It's not news when I do it.
Hm.
Mwah.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Audrey, look who's here, dripping on your hardwood floor.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I- it's fine, I'll- I'll wipe it up.
Of course you will.
Are you wearing Jen's robe? Uh, no, we each have one.
You have matching robes? They're not.
The initials are different.
You have initials? No, I-I- Just stop.
Look, thanks for the shower.
And by the way, that tingly shampoo was great.
You used my tea tree shampoo? Isn't that the stuff you have to special order? Uh-huh.
What a great thing to share with friends.
Anyway, thanks.
Hey.
Remember to tell Jennifer about that tea bag shampoo.
Just stop it.
Just stop trying to make me upset.
I'm just trying to get you to stand up for yourself and let them know that you're upset.
I- Well, if it bothered me I would, but it doesn't bother me at all.
Well, fine.
Whatever.
All right, I'm gonna go take a shower.
So maybe you can join me and wash my back.
Hm.
And by "your back," you mean "my boobs," right? Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
And by the way, nice po-tah-toes.
Well, they sure are anti-fan, aren't they? Are you kidding me? "I wub woo?" The mess is one thing, but sending baby-talk love messages to each other? The Robe Twins officially suck.
Yes, they do.
This is too much.
It is.
I should say something.
You should.
I will.
You will? Yes.
There you go.
That's my girl.
Let's get in that shower so you can wash my back.
Both of 'em.
Hey.
What's going on? Ah.
Old man went to the airport.
I can finally get back into my own skin.
Ah, hello, man necklace.
I've missed you, old friend.
So the visit was a success? Yeah, you know.
Pretty sure I got parasites from the sushi, but it's the cost of doing business.
So you're happy? Back to same old Russell? Yeah.
Great.
Hey.
Check out this DVD I yoinked from the mailroom.
It's that PR video my dad shot.
You don't want to watch that.
Oh, yeah, I do.
These things are always hi-lariously bad.
Hey.
You want-? You want a tuna melt? I mean, I could- I could go for a tuna melt right now, huh? No, dude, I wanna watch this.
As Dunbar Worldwide joins the Shanghai marketplace, let me assure you we share the same core values Ow.
Dude, watch the unit.
You can't watch this.
Dude, why not? Because I'm in it.
Excellent.
I bet you stare in the camera like an idiot.
No, Russell.
Your dad had me play you.
What? Yeah, he wanted to highlight the family angle, so he thought my face was better for the company.
So he had you play his son? I'm sorry, yeah.
Ugh.
Well, I can't say that's not the first time this happened.
When I was 10, he hired an actor to play me on the family Christmas card.
Really? Yeah.
Worst part: It was Jodie Foster.
All right, well, let's take a look anyway.
Look, hey, don't- Don't do this to yourself.
You know, I mean, just because your dad thinks the world of me, huh, doesn't mean that he thinks any less of you.
Let's take a look anyway.
After all, we are a family business.
I took it over from my father, and one day, I'll pass it on to my son Russell.
Oh.
Who the hell is that? That's Ethan, the water delivery guy.
I- I- I don't under- Understand.
He replaced you too, dude.
No, but he- He liked me, man.
I came up with Guangdong.
Oh, my dad nearly sucker- punched you in the nards.
Wow.
I- I mean, I feel like Like you got sucker-punched in the nards.
I love it.
I'm Adam.
Franklin Dunbar likes me.
He thinks the world of me.
Guangdong, bang a gong.
I- I prepared a folder and everything.
Look, I know how you feel.
Sure, it hurts now, but over time, you'll learn to turn that pain into biting sarcasm, which you'll use to hurt others.
Come on, I'll buy you a beer.
All right, thanks.
I- I can't help but thinking, What about me didn't he like? What did I do wrong? That's exactly what I asked Jodie Foster.
Hey, you remember that DVD those idiots claimed we never sent back? And then we raised hell and got that customer service guy fired? You better not tell me you found it.
Don't try to spin this into bad news.
We own Nacho Libre free and clear.
Hey guys.
Is it okay if I take a shower? I thought you were going to- Sure, yeah.
Go ahead.
Chicken.
And good news.
The sink came in early, and it's being installed tomorrow.
And since you guys have been so great Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Oh, my favorite: alcohol.
It's a 2003 Saint-Exupéry.
Oh, this is really expensive.
Oh, it's the least we can do for how great you guys have been to us.
I just hope we weren't an imposition.
No.
No, not at all.
So nice to know we have such good friends.
Hey, look, you lost your nerve, but we got a nice bottle of wine out of the deal.
So maybe you were right in not saying anything.
Yeah.
I- I didn't say anything.
Meaning what? Meaning I might have left a little message on the mirror.
You might have? Hey! I did.
"Stop messing up our bathroom, sinkhumpers?" Jeff.
How could you? Really? You're good.
Ah, yes.
Nice to see everything back to neat and tidy.
Mm-hm.
Yes, it is.
And again, thank you for taking the bullet for me.
Speaking of taking the bullet I know.
I owe you.
Why don't you go wait in the bedroom, and I'll just finish up here? Yeah, that's not how this is gonna go down.
Oh! What are you doing? I think you know what I'm doing.
Uh-! Ow! Watch the faucet.
Sorry.
Funny story.