The King of Queens s02e13 Episode Script

- Hey, hey, hey, babe.
- Hey, hon.
Hey, listen, don't start dinner, I'm taking you to that Japanese place again tonight.
Why are you obsessed with that place? I'm not obsessed.
I just like when a Japanese man cooks in front of you.
It's fun, it's like, you know? Okay, as entertaining as that was, we can't.
Come on, it'll be fun Whoa, shrimp in the pocket.
Banzai! We can't.
Your cousin Danny called, he's on his way over.
What? Why? I don't know, he said he wanted to talk to us about something.
Oh, God, he is so annoying.
Why did you let him know we were home? Well, once I picked up and said hello, the cat was pretty much out of the bag.
Come on, what's the big deal? Let him come over, he said he had some good news.
He doesn't have good news, that's his angle to get his foot in the door.
Next thing, we're talking about old times, we're playing cards, and he's clamped on me like a deer tick.
Give him a break, he's your cousin.
What kind of big news could this be? I'll bet you he's going to tell us he's gay.
All right, he doesn't date much, but he is not gay.
Please, he wore leather pants to a Jet game.
Will you stop it? He's not gay.
He just called and said he had some good news.
Excuse me? If you're gay, then being gay is good news, huh? Danny, you're getting married.
Good for you.
Off the market.
Out of commission.
Yeah, I was just at work one day, taking a Sicilian pie out of the oven, when I hear the most beautiful voice say: "Can I have an end piece?" Truth is, I went in to use the phone.
But he looked so cute, all covered in flour.
You should see him covered in pudding.
So when's the big day? Oh, a week from Sunday.
Wow, that's quick.
We'd really love it if you guys could make it.
I can't.
Sunday? I gotta I gotta run another 10K.
- He's kidding, right? - Yeah, honey, he's kidding.
He always does this.
Classic Doug story, okay, one day when we were kids, Doug decided to remove the wing nuts from the front wheel of my bicycle.
Long story short, these are caps, all caps.
I was fixing it.
Tried to soup it up for you.
Yeah, right, soup it up, I pedal twice, the handle bars go like this: I hit the mailbox.
Next thing you know, I'm picking up my Chiclets off the driveway.
- Yeah.
- Oh, we laughed.
Yeah, it was fun.
Good times.
Yeah, good times.
So I'm gonna go see if the coffee's ready.
- Let me help you, Carrie.
- No, sit, sit.
No, come on, I wanna help.
So she seems really very nice, Danny.
Yeah, I gotta tell you, I was starting to wonder if it was ever gonna happen for me, you know? All these years, I would see what a great thing you and Doug have, and I'd think, "Man, if I could have half of that, I'd be the happiest pizza-making son of a gun this side of Dix Hills.
" You're gonna make me cry.
And that was the last time I ever threw up from drinking.
I mean, is there anything worse than the dry heaves? Anything? Nothing comes to mind.
I mean, I literally broke blood vessels in my eyes, as in: - Good evening, Douglas.
- Hey.
And who is this sweet young thing? This is Eva, Danny's fiancιe.
Danny who? My cousin Danny? I thought you said he was a fruitcake.
So where are you having this little shindig, anyway? At this nice little place out in Manhasset.
Eva's maid of honour is a waitress there, so she got us a great deal.
Oh, that's great.
And who's your best man? Oh, I'm not gonna I don't have one.
- You don't have a best man? - No, it's just, you know I wouldn't even know who to ask.
Can I help you with the coffee? Yeah, thanks.
Listen, Dan, I know it's not any of my business, but why don't you ask Doug? He wouldn't do it, and that's fine, you know.
I made peace a long time ago with the way things are between us.
- And how's that? - Carrie, I'm not exactly on the speed dial.
Those are mostly restaurants, you know? Danny, Doug likes you a lot more than you think.
Please.
He wouldn't want to do it.
I think you're wrong.
I think you're wrong.
You know what, I'm just gonna stick with the whole no-best-man thing, and that's it.
Hey, no big deal, I can carry my own ring, right? That's what pockets are for.
Hey, Danny, you better get out there, Arthur's putting the moves on your fiancιe.
He's doing his old-fashioned muscle man poses.
- Thanks for the heads up.
- Yeah.
Okay, we got the coffee, we got the cake.
We should have them out of here in 20 minutes.
Fifteen if I set the eating pace.
Bye-bye.
- Doug? - Yeah? You know, I was just talking to Danny about the wedding and stuff.
- You wanna hear something sad? - Yeah, what do you got? He doesn't have a best man.
That's sad.
You don't think that's sad? I guess it is, but it's not my problem.
It's not my problem, is it? - Well - Did you bring my name up? Only to say that you would love to be his best man.
I can't believe you.
Why did you do that? You know what? This area can close.
Doug, if you could've just seen his face.
I mean, he was so sweet and he doesn't have anybody and he likes you so much.
Yeah, he likes me too much, okay? It's like Single White Dougie.
God, why couldn't he have just been gay? All right, look, Doug, relax, okay? Because he's not gonna ask you, he's afraid you would say no.
Well, good.
Doesn't mean you can't ask him.
Okay, first of all, you don't ask someone to be a best man, you get asked.
And since no one's asking, once again this area: You know, I'd be lying to you if I didn't tell you I'm a little disappointed in you.
Oh, please, that's not gonna work.
"I'm a little disappointed in you.
" Big deal, I'm full of letdowns.
Okay, would you do me a favour and take this out? I don't wanna do it.
- Fine.
- Yeah.
Carrie, I do a lot of nice things for a lot of people.
I just don't feel like doing this, you know.
Okay.
Oh, God, now I got to write a toast and rent a tux But you look good in a tux.
I look like a limo driver.
But a handsome one.
Why do you do these things to me? And don't worry, honey, I'll help you with the bachelor party.
I've never made a best-man toast before, so I need a little feedback, just to, you know, see if I'm headed in the right direction, okay? Let her rip.
"What can I say about my cousin Danny?" Okay, I gotta stop this.
This is unbearable.
Arthur, I only read, like, six words.
You're reading, that's the point.
A speech needs to seep from your soul.
All right, look, just listen to the whole thing, then tell me if it's good or not, okay? - Fine.
- Okay.
"What can I say about my cousin Danny? He makes great pizza and he's gonna make a great husband.
But I'm sure all Eva cares about is that he makes a lot of dough.
" All right.
"Danny and I have known each other since we were kids and I always knew he'd find somebody special.
And Eva, well, you're just gonna have to settle for Danny.
Just kidding.
Danny, Eva, I wish you all the best.
" - So? - It stunk, all right? There, I said it.
- What should I say? - You have to grab them.
Get them on your side.
How do I grab them? Open up by hinting that you slept with the bride.
Pull a pair of panties out of your pocket and give her a little wink, it kills.
- Sweetheart, - Hey, guys.
Doug and I need a pair of your panties.
Dad, I just can't give you a bigger no.
Don't worry, Douglas, it also works with a girdle.
I'm sure it does.
I'm gonna work on my own speech, thanks.
What the hell did you get me into here? I've been working on this stupid toast for eight hours.
Eight hours? You got one index card there.
I took some breaks.
So I stopped at Cooper's, everything's set for the bachelor party.
All the beer, wine and sangria you guys can drink from 11 to 2 a.
m.
All right, good.
What's the damage? With the food and everything, about 600 bucks.
Okay, that's not that bad.
I got Gianni at the pizza place to give me Danny's address book so I invited, like, 25 of his friends.
So 600 divided 25 ways is Hey, what you got in the bag? You are gonna love this.
Okay, ready? - A ball and chain.
- It's funny, right? You put it on Danny, like, "Hey, no more freedom for you, buddy boy.
" That's good guy stuff, right there, right? - Did you keep the receipt? - Stop it.
Look, honey, I'm really proud of you, you know.
You're doing something for your cousin, something you don't have to do.
Something sweet and kind and beautiful.
Thanks.
Now let's pick out a stripper.
Take a little look-see here.
What do you got there? Magazine with strippers in it? Yup.
Now, what do you like? What floats your boat? It's not about what floats my boat, you know, because you are my boat-floater, you know.
It's really about what Danny wants and how he - Yeah, could you just pick one? - Okay, Tiffany Towers, please.
Her? Doug, she looks like she kissed the F train.
Pick somebody else.
All right, then, how about her? Her? What do you like about her? I don't know.
She looks kind of nasty and mean.
You know, like she's the head of some all-girl biker gang that picks me up after our car breaks down and makes me service her and all her gang sisters.
Well, we are not hiring her, okay? Come on, make a serious pick here.
All right.
Any of these three.
These three here? - Yeah, what? - Do you have any standards at all? - Yeah.
- Really? Well, can you point to one woman here that you would not have sex with? - Doug? - Yeah? It's a foreign transmission.
You might wanna go a little easy on the clutch.
Settle down, I drive for a living, okay? - Well, I just had it tuned up - Would you stop peeking? No peeking, all right? Loosen up.
Let your hair down, Agnes.
I'm loose.
I'm ready, I'm ready.
Doug, let me ask you a question.
- What? - Did Carrie put you up to this? What? No.
Yes.
She mentioned you didn't have a best man and I was like, what up? Really? I mean, you wanna be here? Believe me, I wanna be here.
Question is, do you wanna be here? Because tonight's all about having fun.
So you in? - I guess, yeah.
- You guess? This is your bachelor party.
Get crazy.
There it is.
All right.
You're spitting.
Okay.
Forgot name tags, so why don't we go around the room, and introduce everybody.
How you know them and we'll kick it off with that.
Okay, yeah.
Well, this is Gianni, he works for me.
Hey, how you doing? Is this it? Because this is gonna blow.
No.
No.
Doug said there's a lot more guys coming.
A lot of guys.
We're gonna have a full house.
Full boat, full boat.
So anyway, this is Joe Rubino, my father-in-law-to-be.
Hello.
And over here, this is Klaus, he owns the deli next to my pizza shop.
Hello.
How is you? And last but not least, this is Arthur, Doug's father-in-law.
Gentlemen.
Douglas, do you have some festivities planned other than this meet-and-greet? Yeah, yeah, I got a lot of stuff.
Oh, God, I almost forgot.
Stogies.
All right, I bought extras, so smoke them up, okay, boys? - All right.
Okay.
- You know what? Do you mind if we don't light them? - It's just my asthma I got.
- Yeah.
Okay, all right.
No problem, that doesn't stop us from chomping on them, huh? Yeah.
That's a smooth chomp, yeah.
- Hey, how about some music? - Stereo's broken.
Okay, thank you.
Douglas, I'm starting to agree with the Italian fellow.
This is gonna blow.
So Camaro, huh? So how long have you been removing your clothes for money? Since my sophomore year in high school.
Great, that's great.
And, bodyguard guy, what was your name again? - Emil? - Yeah.
- I like your tattoos.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Hey, who likes Lionel Richie? Yeah, Andy, it's Doug Heffernan.
I left you two messages about Danny's bachelor party.
If you're there, pick up, okay, buddy? Pick up, pick up, you there? Pick it up.
Pick it up.
What, are you screening, guy? Pick it up, pick it up.
Yeah, Joe, chug it down, you warrior.
So, Daniel, how is your pizza shop? Oh, it's fine, fine, yeah.
Daniel, are you happy with your bread guy? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Would you give me his number? Can it wait until Monday? Of course.
But by Monday.
Look, you're invited to a party, you show up, you dip wad.
Kick the crap out of me? I'll kick more crap out of you.
Yeah.
Party! This blows, where's the broad? Don't you worry, she'll be here.
Start stretching out.
Doug, if no one else is showing up, can I take the ball and chain off? - No, no, no.
Not yet, okay? - Hey, have you seen that bride, Eva? She's a tasty slice of cheesecake, am I right? Eva is my daughter.
Then you know what I'm talking about, huh? A car.
Okay, stripper's here.
Stripper's here.
All right, boys, get your singles ready.
- Here we go.
- Oh, yeah, now we're talking.
Okay, that would be my wife.
Come here.
- Please tell me you got a stripper.
- Relax, I got her.
What the hell is this? Why is there a maid here? I think she's the stripper.
Carrie, what are you doing to me? This is brutal.
It was the best I can do on such short notice.
I'm killing myself getting this going and you show up with "Hopalong Assidy"? Doug, she is still a very attractive girl, okay? Just tell the guys not to look in that area.
Where are all the guys? They're not showing because Danny's such a freaking loser Hey! Someone's a dirty boy.
He needs a little dusting.
Excuse me.
Damn it.
I am into this.
Joe, look alive.
Stripper, man.
You're missing it.
I can't blame him, Douglas.
This is pure torture.
Torture? What bachelor party are you at? - Right? - Yeah, it's riveting.
I'm out of here.
Oh, Gianni, come on, man.
I bought a sheet cake.
You guys didn't hear that, that's later on.
All right, you know what? That's it.
That's it.
All right? - What are you doing? - I'm going home.
All the facts are in.
Loser! All right.
I'll see you at the wedding.
"Oh, I'm so proud of you, Doug.
You're doing something nice for your cousin.
Something kind and sweet and beautiful.
" Okay, so it wasn't my best idea.
That was the worst bachelor party I have ever seen.
Make a right after the Dunkin' Donuts.
Some of you may not know Eva very well, but I've had the opportunity to get close to her.
Real close, if you know what I mean.
Eva, I believe these are yours?