Family Guy s02e14 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Cuando la jefe oye de esto somos muertos! Recuerda si yo cierra la puerta de la garaje esta manana? (croaking) Dude, the Bronze Age was so much cooler than the Iron Age.
The Iron Age could kick the Bronze Age's butt any day of the week.
- Could not! - Could too! Ew, gross, man! - You OK? - Whoa! Everything's so significant.
- Dude, you gotta try this.
- Not even! It's got your germs on it.
Not this end.
Ahh! I can see the air! And you know what else? I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night.
It's a comedy that's too good to be funny.
Dude, you're trippin'! Double the freshness, life is more fun When you're chewing the great taste of Doublefresh gum La-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la With Doublefresh gum! Hey, we should go to the circus.
In local news, a new drug craze may have Quahog students licked.
It's called "toad".
The Colombian spotted toad, to be precise.
When licked, these toads trigger an intense psychedelic euphoria that's that's just great.
This is awful.
Now the drugs are in the schools? For you parents, toad-licking is also known as lily-padding, Frenching the prince, and doing Kermit.
Well, at least our kids know better.
What the? Aargh! Hello, little sea monkeys.
He's back.
Don't look at him, honey.
Eat your potatoes.
(echoing thud) - Steve, do something.
- Brenda, we've been over this.
Let's just pick up our plates and go eat in the hollow castle.
- Young man, where did you get this toad? - It's not mine.
Believe me, you don't wanna mess with drugs.
I tried 'em once-big mistake.
Things got way too real.
Holy crap, I am freakin' out! Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway.
You take a left.
You keep walking.
- Take a right.
Then a left.
Brick wall! - Yargh! - Yeah, he's tweaked.
- Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad.
Oh, now, don't you try to palm this off on your sister.
She's a good girl.
Oh, yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister? Now, Chris, we told you that was just a very bad dream.
- But I remember it so - (both) It was a dream! - Mom, can you sign this for my field trip? - Sure, sweetheart.
(gasps) Meg, you have a wart! How could you bring a toad into this house? It's not mine.
I was just holding it for a friend.
See it was lunchtime.
OK, Connie, you're up.
Connie Demico does toad? I guess Miss Wears-A-Hat-All-The-Time is gonna nark on us, aren't you? - Mr Berler's coming! - Oh, man, we are so busted! Put it in here.
He won't check me.
What's going on back here? Oh, hello, Megan.
Wait, you're not part of the popular clique.
Run along and play alone somewhere.
Shame on you all, getting her hopes up like that.
I thought if I held Connie's toad, she'd make one of the cool guys ask me to the Snow Ball.
You're holding drugs so someone will invite you to a dance? Meg, haven't we taught you better than that? Hold on, Lois.
People do a lot of crazy things just to be accepted.
(laughs) I don't know about this.
We all did it.
If you want to be a Supreme Court justice, you gotta pick up that cherry with your butt cheeks and drop it in that beer.
- Come on! Come on! - Go, Suitor! Get busy! - Go, Suitor! Go, Suitor! - Cherry! Cherry! Cherry! Oh, my God! I can't believe he did that! - Go, Suitor! Go, Suitor! - Get busy! Get busy! Ohhh! I can't believe he did that! I can't believe he did that! This guy is so in! Oh, sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys wanna ask you to the dance.
They're probably just shy or scared.
Yeah, I was terrified of askin' Phoebe Diamond to the prom.
I finally got up the guts, but I had this damn nervous twitch.
- Um, Ph-Ph-Phoebe? - Yeah? Uh, I was wonderin' if if if you'd, uh, d-do me the honour of, uh I had such a crush on her.
Until I met you, Lois.
You're my silver medal.
Mr Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the centre of a Rhode Island state prison? (man) Just one.
How could this happen? I thought we lived in such a nice small town.
There's no such thing.
Things are different than when we were kids.
- Well, it just makes me sad.
- It makes me sad too, but, uh, you know.
I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris, and Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it.
Well, we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs.
I do trust our kids.
It's the other kids I don't trust.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, you know, I guess it's up to us as parents to be a part of the solution.
- I'll go talk to the principal tomorrow.
- Thanks, honey.
- The safety word is banana.
- I love you.
And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd.
So, are you with me? But you didn't tell me anything.
You just sat down and said "And that's my plan.
" Oh.
Oh, right.
OK, here's my idea.
- And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd.
- Well, Mr Griffin, I don't like it.
(phone rings) I love it! You have the faculty's full support.
But how will you pull it off? You let me worry about that, kitten.
- (imitates screeching tyres) - Great.
Hey, Meg.
What's got four arms, four legs and one set of lips? You and me at the Winter Snow Ball.
Heh-heh! Look, Neil, I don't Oh, my God! Dad? Dad?! I'm not responding because I'm not this "Dad" person.
I'm the new kid in town, Lando Griffin.
Are you crazy? What are you doing here? I've gone undercover to get rid of the toad problem, so your school can be safe and innocent like the good old days.
Negative B plus or minus radical B squared minus 4AC over 2A.
That's correct.
A girl answered a math problem.
You know what that means.
A witch! - Witch! She's a witch! - Witch! Witch! God, please tell me I have a brain tumour and this is all just a side effect from the chemo.
- Hey, what are you doin' in my locker? - Your locker? Say, Phil, what do you say to happy hour after work? I'd say Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbours.
- Come on, I'm buyin'.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, man, cool specs.
- Thanks, G.
I'm the new kid in town, Lando Griffin.
No relation.
So, tell me, homeboy, how 'bout the baggy clothes we kids are wearin'? Aren't they phat and stupid and poppin' fresh? Hey, does anybody have any drugs? I'm lookin' to score some drugs.
- Dad, get away from me.
Connie is looking.
- So that's toad girl, huh? Yeah.
And that's Connie.
I see.
Well, I'm gonna have a little talk with that Connie.
Huh! Good luck.
She only talks to the cool kids.
- Oh, yeah? Watch this.
- No! Heeey! Agh! Agh! Ow! Oh, God! Agh! Ow! Ow! - Cool! He's bleeding! - Just like in the movies! Hm.
Holy crap, it's The Breakfast Club.
You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner year at the Tiger house.
I got a carton of cigarettes.
Old man grabbed me, said "Hey, smoke up, Tony.
" "They're grrreat!" Bastard.
(boy) Hey, Lando.
Everyone's talking about how you trashed the jukebox.
Classic cool.
- We're gonna do some toad.
You in? - You're gonna do toad?! - What's the big deal? - Lemme tell you about it, stud.
You'll get chills All through your body And you'll lose all control Of your bladder And your sphincter That's your butt hole! Cos if you use toad Then I'm tellin' you You can kiss your life goodbye Yeah, when you use toad It'll mess you up It'll make your mama cry That's no lie You'll choke on your tongue and die Gotta give it up Give up the toad now It's no joke Buddy, give it up Gotta give up the toad now Or you'll croak Buddy, give it up You gotta give up the toad now And don't smoke Or you'll see It hurts to pee There'll be blood Gushin' from ya Every time that you cough And forget gettin' lucky It falls off Yeah, you'd better wise up Cos I'm tellin' you Toad is what Lando forbids Gotta give it all up Or you're gonna see Your whole life will hit the skids And your kids will be born without eyelids Gotta give it up Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Give up the toad now Thanks to you, Lando Give it up Gotta give up the toad now Ooh, ooh, ooh I'm no fool Lando's cool Yeah! - You're the coolest, Lando.
- Yeah.
We never broke into song and dance before you arrived.
I'll never touch another toad.
None of us will.
- Yeah.
- No way, man.
- I know I won't.
- You never did it in the first place.
- God! You're such a wannabe loser.
- Oh, yeah? If I'm such a loser, how come I'm going to the Snow Ball with Lando? Meg, you got a date?! Oh, wait till I tell your mother! Who I'm looking forward to meeting.
And I hope is making Steak Ums tonight.
- Hey, Meg, wanna ditch and go to the mall? - Sure! See ya, Lando.
This is great.
Not only did I live long enough to see Meg go to her first dance, but I'm takin' her too.
Thanks, Geritol.
And they swore they'd never do toad again.
Dad never came to sing at my school.
I don't want dessert! I tell you, Lois, high school's a lot more fun this time around.
And it's a lot safer now that all the kids have guns.
And today in study hall, I farted real loud on purpose to make the guys laugh, and I swear to God it was so heinous Susie Johnson ralphed up her Salisbury steak.
I'm sorry, is this really proper dinner conversation? I'm glad you taught those kids they don't have to do drugs to be popular.
He sure did! Who needs drugs when you go to the dance with the coolest guy in school? Going with Dad is gonna skyrocket me up the popularity food chain.
It's true.
Soon members of the math club will be attaching themselves to your underbelly.
Wait a minute.
Peter, you can't take Meg to a school dance.
How long do you think you can keep up this charade? Just till Friday! Please, Mom? - Well, if this is what you want.
- (phone rings) Oh, it's probably Connie calling for me.
Hello? Oh.
Yeah, hold on.
It's for Lando.
Aloha! No way! Uh uh, hold on.
I'm gonna take this in the other room.
I got it! Hang up! Mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers, it's just another one of your wretched culinary abortions! Clean it up! I don't think so.
Neil, I'm a little out of your league.
Besides, I'm going with Lando.
Really? My underground sources have informed me that Lando is taking Connie Demico.
What?! Hey, I thought you were taking me to the dance! Uh Something suddenly came up.
- How could you do this to Meg? - Not now, I gotta write about Oliver Twist.
Oliver Twit, if you ask me.
I would have done things rather differently, I can tell you that.
Please, sir, I want some more.
- What? - Please, sir, I want some more.
More?! All right.
Stop it.
Stop it right there.
Now, go on, fill up the bowl.
Go on! That's it.
Now put on this dress.
Put it on! Now dance.
Hey.
Hey, Brian, the guy who wrote this, his name? Charles Dickens.
- Oh, yeah.
- I want an explanation, mister.
Hey, Connie pulled a power move.
When the most popular girl in school asks you to the dance, you don't say no, you say "Haba-haba-haba OK.
" I can't understand why you'd dump your daughter for Connie Demico.
It's simple transference.
To Peter, Connie Demico is Phoebe Diamond, the most popular girl in his school.
Oh, my God.
I think he's right.
When I try to speed things up in bed, I'm not thinkin' of Connie, I'm thinkin' of Phoebe.
This whole thing is ridiculous.
I forbid you from goin' to that dance.
You can't tell me what to do.
You're not my real mom! - End of discussion! - Thank you for ruining my life! You don't remember what it's like to be my age! I'm two years younger than you! I hate you! Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em.
I gotta fight for my right to party.
Whoa-ah! Argh! - Thanks, Spider-Man.
- Everybody gets one.
- Sweetie? - You married a total jerk! Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you.
And, you know, you could still go to the dance.
Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big L on my forehead while I'm at it? - Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos.
- (Meg sniffs) If you stay home, you're just proving to the other kids that you don't belong there.
- Yeah.
- And you might have a really good time.
I'll tell you one thing.
I still regret not goin' to my junior dance.
But, Daddy, if you don't do what they say, they'll kill me! Sorry, pumpkin, we don't negotiate with kidnappers-family policy.
Daddy, no.
Please! Please! She'll be all right.
Come on, what do you say? Well I do have that really slutty dress you hate.
So, uh, Lando, how old did you say you were again? And a half.
(gasps) Sweet statutory, you look beautiful! Don't worry, I'll take good care of your kid.
I got a daughter of my own, you know.
(Peter) Please leave the light off.
I don't want to be seen.
I imagine you wouldn't, the way you've been acting.
- I thought you might say something like that.
- Well, you do have it coming.
I convinced Meg to go to the dance, so I'm gonna go drop her off.
Please don't yell.
I've learned my lesson.
- I wasn't yelling.
I was just sayin' that - Oh, you would bring that up.
- Can't you leave the past where it belongs? - What's wrong with you? Because I've already explained that to you.
It was a scavenger hunt.
What the hell is goin' on here? Lois, if you still haven't discovered I'm gone, please flip the tape over to side B.
("Get Outta my Dreams, Get Into my Car" by Billy Ocean) Nice moves, Lando.
OK, everyone.
The votes are in.
This year's king and queen are Lando Griffin and Connie Demico! Oh, my goodness! Oh! Hold it.
I can't be your king.
I have a confession.
I've been living a lie! I shouldn't be here with Connie.
- My first choice was Meg Griffin.
- What? Meg Griffin! She's right over there in the back.
Ri No, no, no, to the left.
No, no, you had her.
No, no, go back, go back.
You got a monkey workin' the spotlight.
No, to the right, genius.
Th-there.
Stop.
Stop.
That's my dream girl.
But I'm not good enough for her and she dumped me.
So now, heartbroken, I will ride recklessly into the night and up Dead Man's Curve.
Goodbye, Meg.
I love you.
(rockabilly ballad) - Meg, wanna dance? - I was here first.
Meg, dance with me? - Neil, would you? - I would be honoured.
Thanks! And Lando Griffin, a popular student at a local high school, was killed last night when his motorcycle careened off Dead Man's Curve.
Police were baffled when no body was found, but they decided not to ask questions and just let everyone get on with their lives.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Oh, Daddy, thank you so much! - I was the most popular girl at the dance.
- Oh, anything for you, sweetheart.
Well, I'm off to popularity.
Ciao! God, I hate that manly walk of hers.
("Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds)