Frasier s02e14 Episode Script

Allow me.
You're welcome.
When did everyone become so boorish? Sometimes, I think I'm the only person with any sense of refinement.
Oh, smell my hands.
Thank you, no.
I'm so proud.
I had to stop for gas, and I pumped it myself.
- It's part of a new kick I'm on.
- What? I'm learning to be handy.
I depend too much on others, so I'm doing it myself.
Feel that.
Surely the start of a first-rate callus.
- You left this in your booth.
- Thank you.
- What is it? - A tape I rented for Dad.
It's our new Wednesday ritual.
Dad makes chilli, we watch an Angie Dickinson movie and I wish I was dead.
- You should join us.
- No, I got my first work shirt today and tonight, I'm tackling the squeaky hasp on my cigar humidor.
Be sure to wear your hernia belt.
Roz, will you join us? No, I'll just go sit over here.
Roz, are you trying to avoid me? Yes, can you blame me? You took a year to learn my name - You always make snide remarks.
- Name one.
You told me my bedroom was easier to get into than a community college.
I was hoping you'd name that one.
I've got half a mind to Just hold on! You got off on the wrong foot.
If you two had a real conversation, you'd hit it off famously.
You sit and I will go and get your coffee.
So, how are you? - Fine.
You? - Great.
I'm handy now.
So that's a nice jacket.
- Thank you.
- It's offbeat.
What does that mean? "Offbeat"? - Well - I know.
Offbeat as in cheap.
I'm not rich enough to shop at the International House of Tight Ass like you and Maris the Heiress.
- That is what you meant, right? - Yes, but I didn't think you'd get it.
- Then you were insulting me.
- You got in some good shots, too.
I did, didn't I? I'm so glad we did this! Sometimes I'm such a good therapist, I scare myself.
- Where's my briefcase? - Isn't it under your chair? Someone must have taken it! Frasier, look, there it is! - Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- Is that your briefcase? - Yes.
- Where did you get it? - Some nuns in my parish bought it for me as a gift.
Then that would make you a priest.
Yes.
Well, then, father Perhaps you'd like to explain why you'd be carrying around a Bible and some rosary beads! - What are you looking for? - An Angie Dickensen movie.
I loaned it to the monsignor to give to you.
Apparently he forgot.
It's a two-day rental.
It doesn't matter.
I'm sorry.
It looked like yours.
They have the same inferior leather.
- I gave him that briefcase.
- I know.
Yes, I would mind holding.
I've already held three times.
I'm trying to report stolen credit cards but every five seconds Damn it! Don't stare at me.
I'm a humane man, but right now, I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.
Hey, Frase.
Niles called.
Somebody stole your briefcase? Go ahead, tell me how stupid I was to get taken advantage of.
Better than listening to "Jumping Jack Flash" for piano and flute.
You weren't stupid.
These guys are pros.
They need a second, and bam! That's rather refreshing.
I thought you'd call me a naive dupe or - A bone-headed rube? - But you're not.
No.
The important thing is you learned a lesson.
You gotta keep your guard up.
This world would be a happier place if everybody remembered two little words: "People stink!" That's a little cynical for me.
I prefer to think of people as basically good and decent.
Yes, I am here, but I'm in the middle of a speech so you'll have to hold! Truth is I enjoy my life that way.
If the price I have to pay is to replace a few credit cards, so be it.
Reminds me of when I moved to London.
I didn't trust people back then.
I tried to stay out of harm's way by walking with my eyes cast down, never meeting anyone's glance.
But I decided that was no way to live.
So one day, I lifted up my chin and took it all in.
The change was amazing.
There were sights I'd never seen, sounds I'd never heard.
A tiny old man came up to me with a note in his hand.
He needed help.
This was no city full of thieves and muggers.
People needed me.
I took his note, read it, and I still remember what I said to him: "That's not how you spell fellatio.
" So, whose point did she prove? I have no idea.
It's been fun chatting with you all, nasty old Gertrude aside.
I'd like to close with a personal message.
This goes out to the person who stole my briefcase yesterday.
And also stole my dry cleaning with the claim ticket that was inside it.
You need help, and I am here to provide it.
Also, the double-breasted navy blue suit should be worn with French cuffs.
You may be sick, but you should be stylish.
Until tomorrow, this is Dr Frasier Crane.
Man, that was a great show! It was better than great! It was brilliant! You What do you want? - Remember I said I need Friday off? - No.
You don't remember or I can't have Friday off? Take one of each.
I'm feeling generous.
- Hello.
- 'Dr Crane?' - Yes.
- 'Oh, man! I can't believe I got through! ' My show is over.
Please call in again tomorrow.
- 'I'm calling cos I found your briefcase.
' - Are you sure? - 'Pretty sure.
' - We can check.
In the upper right-hand corner, there's a water mark left by the careless resting of a champagne flute.
- 'It's full of your stuff, Dr Crane.
' - That works as well.
- Is everything still there? - 'A pen, a set of car keys, a date book.
' - And what about my wallet? - 'Sorry.
' That was asking for too much.
How can I get it back? 'I could drop it off.
' Meet me at the Café Nervosa on Pike.
I'd be glad to give you a reward.
'Meeting you is reward enough.
Half an hour?' That's perfect.
Bye.
- That was great.
- But not surprising.
- I told you to have faith in people.
- Yes.
People are basically good.
And fair.
We do nice things for people because of karma.
- You're not getting Friday off.
- Why? Allow me.
Can you believe that? That's the second time this week! - I want to say something.
- Why don't you? Something happens when I talk to a beautiful woman.
My knees turn to jelly.
You can only break people of bad habits by confronting them.
- That's true.
- So? - Who's next here? - I am.
No, you weren't next.
I am! People like you who glide through life in a cosy cocoon of narcissism never notice such things! But learn this lesson, sister! There's still such a thing as good manners.
That's why I insist you let me buy you your coffee and please try the poppy seed muffins.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Kind of brutal, weren't you? All I remember was "I was next" and the sound of blood in my ears.
Soon you'll be home with Maris and you'll forget about beautiful women.
- Let's sit here so we can see him.
- Your Good Samaritan? Yes.
I'm feeling rather good about this whole thing.
I lost my wallet and my favourite suit but other things were intact: my date book, my spare car keys, my fountain pen.
But best of all, what remained intact is my sense that people are basically trustworthy.
The person who has your keys asks you could meet him here knowing you'd bring your car? Before you launch into a paranoid riff, my car happens to be moving down the street! Stop that well-dressed man! Charlie, it's my son Frasier's car.
Could you put some extra manpower on this? Yeah.
I know.
Fell for that old scam.
I told him to keep his guard up, but Frasier always knows better.
Mr Up-With-People.
Yeah.
Remember what we used to call guys like him on the force? Hey, we're still talking about my son here! Yeah.
I'll talk to you.
- Hi, Frasier.
How's it going? - Terribly! Guess what happened today.
- What? - My car was stolen! You're kidding.
I fell victim to a master criminal.
Did they hot-wire it? Boy, those guys got fingers like concert pianists.
No.
He had the key.
A real pro.
Made a wax impression and then had a duplicate key made? No.
It was the same miscreant that stole my briefcase.
He used the spare set that was inside.
He tailed you so he'd know where to find the car? Not exactly.
He called the station and we agreed to meet.
- What for? - Low-fat lattes and biscotti.
What are you, the town crier? It doesn't shake my belief in the basic goodness of people.
Sure.
He's probably using your car to deliver hot meals to shut-ins.
I'm glad my misfortune's given you so much glee.
Dad, I have two requests.
First, wipe that smirk off your face.
I'm not a child.
What's the second request? Can I borrow your car? I want to go to the movies.
And last stop on our tour, my booth, where all the magic happens.
- Hey, what are you doing here? - Dr Crane needed a lift so I came up.
Just go on about your business.
It's not like I'm listening.
Have we had one visitor yet who didn't do that? Thanks but we do have a show to do.
- People say I have a talent for this.
- Yes, of course.
Your soothing voice.
I could listen to you for hours.
- Do you really think so? - Yes.
Absolutely.
Now get out.
- Could you get that? - Hello? Who's calling, please? Just a second.
Denise.
She was out with you last night.
- I wasn't out with anyone of that name.
- Ooh, speakerphone! All right.
Hello.
This is Frasier Crane.
'Hey, tiger.
I miss you already.
' I beg your pardon? 'You just snuck out this morning without giving me your number, 'and I woke up to see your BMW pulling down my driveway.
' You did? 'I'm not mad.
How can I be after my best first night ever with a man? ' Denise, could you hold on for a moment? - Do you realise what this means? - He told her he was you! And it worked! Nobody ever sleeps with me on a first date! Hi.
'Sorry but I won't be able to meet you for that drink at Alberto's.
'The agency called.
They booked me for a swimsuit layout.
'There's my cab.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Kisses.
' Unbelievable! He wasn't content to steal my possessions.
He wants my identity! - I'm calling the police.
- No! I am going to Alberto's! - You have a show! - Run "The Best of Dr Crane".
This jackal will meet me, not Denise! - He could be dangerous! - I don't care! He's after my soul! Shakespeare wrote, "He who steals my purse, steals trash.
But he who " Oh, I forget the rest, but it makes me good and mad! Have you seen a man wearing an impeccably tailored Italian suit? - Just you.
- Oh, well.
Thank you.
- Giorgio Armani.
- It's nice to meet you, Giorgio.
- My name's Heather.
- Frasier Crane.
Do you mind? Wait a minute.
Dr Frasier Crane, from the radio? - Yes.
- I've heard your show.
You're great.
- Thank you.
- This is exciting! Didn't you say that someone had impersonated you at the dry cleaners? - Yes, someone did.
- You could be the impersonator.
If you're looking for identification, I - I thought so.
- He stole my wallet.
- Who did? - Frasier did.
The bad Frasier! You're pretty sick, you know that? This is absurd! Can't you recognise my? Nice suit.
- Oh, my God! It's you! - No! You're mine now! All right.
I give up.
Damn it! How did you find me? Denise called to cancel your rendezvous.
- Great.
And I put on my best suit.
- No, you put on my best suit.
Well, I guess this is it.
Party's over.
I'm so stupid! You probably want to call the police? No.
I'd like to throttle you till your eyes shoot across the room like champagne corks! But this is still a civilised world, though not for long if you have your way! Every wallet you steal puts bars on someone else's windows.
Every purse you snatch puts mace on another key chain! You make our lives less liveable and I hope that burns on your conscience! What do you have to say for yourself? You're right.
I see.
You think by agreeing with me, I'll let you off the hook.
No, you're right.
I'm guilty and I deserve what I get.
Your keys.
The car's out front with your briefcase in it.
Call the police.
That's your new car phone, by the way.
I upgraded.
I knew things would turn out like this.
Here comes the old sob story.
"My parents didn't love me, the bully next door stole my baseball glove.
" No.
Dad loved me.
Mom spoiled me and I was the bully next door.
- Let me do that.
It's kind of tricky.
- Thank you.
I myself am to blame for my problems.
Hi.
The number for the Seattle PD, please.
I take the easy way out of everything.
And you know why? I'm lazy.
Lazy, lazy, lazy.
Oh, sweetheart, could you just connect me? Thanks, hon.
Your life of crime is down to your laziness? I don't like to work.
It's easier to take something than to work.
I'm a lazy criminal.
A briefcase here, car keys there, light shoplifting.
But a bank robbery? All that planning! Split-second timing.
Forget it! And that second-storey stuff - grappling hooks! Who does that? Yeah.
Thank you.
You're on hold.
Story of my week.
- You seem to be taking this well.
- It was bound to happen.
Perhaps you wanted to get caught.
Think about it.
You've taken ever-greater risks.
That's a man who wants to get caught.
I'm telling you.
Lazy! Your pants.
You'd think I'd have them hemmed? Staples.
Oh, dear God! I still say that you really wanted to get caught.
- It's a classic cri de coeur.
- Cri de what? It means you don't like the life that you're living.
It's not a great life.
I don't know where my rent's coming from, I have no solid relationship.
- Why don't you change? - Gimme an 'L'.
Gimme an 'A' As a psychiatrist, I don't buy that.
You're not lazy.
You are afraid.
There are lots of things you could do legitimately.
You're afraid to try one of them and fail at it.
- You think I can change? - Yes.
I believe in the basic goodness of people.
Yes.
Just a moment, please.
Start now.
Take responsibility for yourself.
For once, don't take the easy way out.
Hello? Yeah, I'd like to report a crime.
He's the man who has been impersonating Frasier Crane! - Let's go.
- What? I am Frasier Crane.
- Do you have any ID? - No, but it's true.
Tell them.
Thank God you're here.
I've detained him.
- What?! - But he's lying! He's the impostor! Don't you recognise me? This is madness! People of the world, listen to me! Trust no one, especially that lazy bastard!