King of the Hill s02e14 Episode Script
I Remember Mono
??[rock 'n' roll music playing.]
[birds chirping.]
no time to eat .
I have to get this valentine done, so I can mail it by tomorrow.
Well, at least eat the butter, bobby.
It's loaded with vitamin a.
What's this, bobby? Have a girlfriend? Ha.
shh.
"happy valentine's day, joseph.
" "love, bobby"? "hey, hot stuff"? Bobby, you can't give this to joseph.
Why not? He is hot stuff.
You should see him skateboard .
bobby,if you give a valentine to a 6th-grade boy, girls are gonna think you're sensitive.
And somethin' like that can follow you the rest o' your life.
Now, here's a candy for joseph.
It says, "hey, you're ok.
" And we'll just put this card over here for now.
All right, I can use that.
Who's your valentine, luanne? me.
Since buckley said he's gonna forget valentine's day again, I finally made myself realize that to love yourself, that's the greatest love of all.
Isn't that right, aunt peggy? Um, no.
Um, no.
That's not really true at all, in fact.
[sighs.]
love between 2 people is the greatest thing that there is.
At least, that's true of uncle hank and i.
Would you like to hear the story of how we first realized we were meant to be together? I'm listenin'.
Well, our first valentine's day, we weren't even in the same room.
But I have to say, it may have been our most romantic.
[tires screeching.]
[birds chirping.]
ok.
(peggy) my school, west arlen, was playing hank's school, arlen high.
Hank and I had been dating about 6 months and things were really heating up.
Miss platter, hello.
Well, hello to you, Mr.
Hill.
Take it easy on our girls, ok? I certainly will not.
heh.
You know, um, valentine's is comin' up.
Yeah.
One of the girls had mentioned that on the bus ride.
Yeah, um, some of the other guys, you know, their girlfriend s are making 'em dinner.
oh.
So So, you Uh Yeah, I was thinkin', maybe you could be makin' me dinner.
Yeah, I could-- That's a great idea.
I could make you dinner.
All right.
.
All right.
I'll see you later hon, this is so cute.
Your first big meal.
It must-- Peggy, you are not trying to make-- That's right.
Beef wellington.
? Cherry pie why not just build him a rocket ship? Mom, would you stop it? He is my boyfriend, it is my dinner, I will cook it.
But, peggy, if hank discovers you cannot even bake, it is all over.
? You think I can't see that do not say "can't.
" You will not use contractions in this house.
[exclaiming.]
[dishes shattering.]
[sighs.]
.
cook, darn you [screams.]
[peggy sobbing.]
why me? Phone call for you, dear.
Your eyebrows look very nice.
Hello? Hi, peggy, I'm really sorry, but I pulled some tendons in my back, and I can't come over for dinner.
(peggy) you can't? Ah, don't cry, peggy.
I'm sorry I ruined your valentine's day.
.
You didn't.
I mean, i'm just so glad you're ok uh, but I'm not ok.
Uh-huh.
I bet I'm missin' a great dinner, huh? .
I made beef wellington really? Is that steak? Yes, sir.
And I made a cherry pie.
And a blueberry pie.
Wow, peggy, I love both those pies! Hey, hold one of them up to the phone so I can smell it.
I'm holding one up to the phone right now.
Oh, it's hot.
Oh, yeah.
I'm just imaginin' eatin' it.
mmm.
So tasty.
And the soup I made is good, too.
Cream of beef wellington.
Mmm, my favorite.
Oh, you dropped a little on your chin.
Uh-huh.
I dabbed it with a napkin.
Uh-huh.
Oh, no, you got a little on your earlobe.
I'll get it.
Heh-heh.
I'm just a big, clumsy guy.
[giggles.]
2 weeks later, when his back healed, we were engaged to be engaged.
You know, if I hadn't hurt my back that day, I would've known she couldn't cook.
And then I would've been forced to not marry this little gal.
wow! So, I guess what they say is true, there is somebody out ther e for everybody.
huh? No, I don't think that follows at all, luanne.
Nope, not for everybody.
Uh-uh.
oh.
Oh, guess what else.
I'm gonna see that old school today.
I'm subbin' for the record keeper.
The old high school, huh? , Boy! I haven't been there since, what the season ended, I guess, almost, uh, 2 months ago.
Yep, 2 months.
.
Got a package for you, bobby "happy valentine's day.
Love, your secret admirer.
p.
s.
Expect me valentine's night"? Whoah.
Who could it be? The only girl you ever talk to is connie.
I know.
hey! It could be kerri strug! At least, I hope it's kerri strug.
"code 12: tardiness.
"code 16: not following directions.
Code 40: following directions too closely.
" You don't see that much.
Oh, this takes me back.
Rhonda culpepper.
I went to school with her.
Did you know she was a code 42? [gasps.]
no.
I just thought she'd gotten fat for a semester.
Hey, I think we know this character.
Becky, we are not paid to snoop.
All right, then.
"hank hill, permanent record file 5402.
" [keyboard clacking.]
.
give me that freakin' file "4th grade, kicked out of chorus for refusing to sing "where have all the flowers gone?" "9th grade, told debate team to quote, 'shut the hell up.
'" [laughing.]
"12th grade, absent for 2 weeks, starting on valentine's day.
" .
Yep.
Hank hurt his back that week it's one of ou r favorite stories.
Oh, peggy, you don't have to lie to me.
So he had mono.
It was 20 years ago.
Mono? The "kissing disease"? You two must have been very busy that valentine's day.
.
Becky, I never had mono in my entire life oh! [gulping.]
hey, hank, did you ever wonde r what it'd be like to drink beer standin' over there? Curiosity killed the cat, dale.
Hello, my husband.
I was just thinkin' about some of your high-school football days.
Well, good.
That's a good thing to be thinkin' about.
Uh-huh.
You know, like, when you hurt your back and you were out for a few weeks? Oh, yeah, yeah, I took a pretty big hit, I tell you what! Heh, heh.
You know, a funny thing happened today.
I took a look in your permanent record and it says, you had mono those 2 weeks.
How did you get mono, hank? Uh, well, I happened to share a soda with a guy on the team one day.
It was the '70s, you know.
That's funny.
You know, on the way out of the building, I stopped by the school nurse's office.
She did not mention that you could get mono that way.
Well, I wouldn't put too much stock in what that woman said, if you know what I mean.
[gulping.]
(peggy) oh.
well, I wasn't aware of that.
For a moment there, I thought Well, never mind what I thought.
She's on the trail .
She's gonna find out.
No, she's not.
Unless you let somethin' slip.
I don't let things slip, hank.
I place information.
Normally I'd share these chocolates with you all.
It's just that these came from my secret admirer, so they're kinda special.
You know what's funny? We were talking about kerri strug, like, 2 days ago, remember? Now you get this valentine.
It's probably from kerri strug.
Why do you think she's so great? So she does gymnastics.
So what? Let's see her play violin.
Besides, she's in her 30s.
They don't tell you that.
You're missing the point, connie.
She had a broken leg and-- [choking.]
and she just kept goin'.
I think connie likes you.
Well, see, once one girl likes you, it's like havin' a ring on your finger.
Beck, when you were entering the records for hank's senior class, did you notice anyone else on the football team with mono? Oh, hon, you just can't get it out of your head, can you? Oh, I know it seems silly.
I don't-- I just, i--i'm afraid I can't.
Well, neither could i.
I already did the search.
There weren't any other football players with mono.
Unless a girl named amy edlin was on the team.
who? So the whore "played well with others," did she? This--this girl could have been drinking a soda, and--and she set it down next to a football player, and hank assumed it belonged to said player and-- That's it, peggy.
You just take that lie and wrap it around yoursel f like a warm blanket.
Well, I don't know it's a lie, yet.
I looked up amy edlin in the phone book, and by posing as a college-bound telemarketer, I found out where she works.
And I'm going to visit her today, and I am gonna get to the truth.
You are making a big mistake, shug.
.
The truth is like sunlight people used to think it was good for you.
What do you want to get her? Something romantic and frilly.
Like the wife of a magician would wear.
It's compulsory that you be my valentine.
[grunting.]
yeah.
Oh, man! Hello.
ahh! [both gasping.]
care to try a saus-trich? Oh, no.
Wife won't forgive me if I spoil my dinner.
Is she here? I don't see her.
Well, maybe just this once.
Care to try a saus-trich? No, thank you.
What I'm here for does not fit on a toothpick, and it certainly is not made of ostrich meat.
It is called the truth.
.
All right.
There is some turkey in it yes, I assumed that.
Let me put this another way.
I want to talk about what, if anything, happened between you and a boy named hank hill in february about 20 years ago.
Does that ring a bell? Who are you? I am a lot of things.
I am a mother, I am a teacher, and I am a wife with some questions that desperately need to be answered.
They call me peggy hill.
, It was a few weeks before valentine's .
and my boyfriend had just broken up with me (amy) I guess I just had something to prove.
It could've been anybody.
Oh, no! Can somebody help me? My bells are caught in my bike chain.
Don't struggle, you'll only make it worse.
I just feel so helpless, .
ever since my boyfriend.
.
Was killed in the jungles of vietnam.
Oh, darn! I'm so sorry about your loss.
You're very brave to bicycle in the state you're in.
Thank you.
You've helped me so much.
[smacking.]
what? No, no, I have a girlfriend.
Is she here? I don't see her.
Yeah, but no.
Come here.
Stop.
Don't-- stop.
So sweet.
Mmm.
Oh.
Oh.
So that's the story.
Here.
This coupon won't take away the pain, but it will take 30 cents off your next purchase of saus-trich.
Saus-trich lite, and our new deli-style saus-trami.
Well, thank you for telling me the truth about my husband.
You have really eased my mind.
[shrieking.]
[gasping.]
peggy, it was over 20 years ago.
No, no, sir! It was just yesterday that we told luanne the story of how your bad back saved our relationship, remember? And that means you have been lying every single da y since high school.
That is thousands and thousands of lies.
Ok, it's true.
I did lie.
.
Uh-huh oh, it feels great to get that off my chest.
Give me a hug.
I've never felt closer to you.
.
Back off, mister.
I do not feel close to you peggy, you got to understand.
I was 17-years-old.
I'd spent most of my teenage years working on my offense.
I had no defense.
Then, why didn't you just tell me? .
I would have forgiven you, hank I mean, I made out with plenty of guy s behind your back.
What? Of course, I did not.
But now you know how it feels.
So we're even? .
Oh, no, we are not hank, I could forgive the kissing.
I can even forgive the lyin'.
But there's one thing I cannot forgive.
Our marriage was built on a wonderful little romantic story.
Hank, in my opinion, it was the 2nd greates t story ever told.
But now, now we have no story.
All we have is a-- is a big side of beef and 3 broken ribs.
You break it, you buy it.
That's pink & white for you.
So here's the plan.
When my secret admirer comes to the door, you say hello.
Offer her a drink.
Compliment her dress or leotard.
y Oh, you're so luck that somebody loves you, bobby.
Right now, I'd give anything just to have someone say, "happy valentine's day, luanne.
" Oh, luanne, have you heard a word I said? Morning, peggy .
What did you d o to your hair? .
Nothin'.
That's exactly it.
Nothin' huh.
bye, mom.
I'm off to school.
Bye, sweetie.
I love you, baby.
Uh, I guess i'll be leaving, too, hon.
Whatever.
Love you.
Right.
oh.
Hey, I didn't know peggy's brother was in town.
ow! o There's so many little things that women d that you just sort of take for granted.
Now peggy's stopped doin' all of them.
It's like she's just some mopey gal with big feet who lives in my house.
You gotta do something that sweeps her off those big feet, hank.
Toss a little woo at her, see what sticks.
I don't know.
I used up all my good material winning peggy over the first time.
I tell you what.
Put a little whipped cream on that old plastic wrap.
.
Maybe you can steal somethin' from a movie .
like lethal weapon man, those two guy s loved each other.
Yeah, I'll tell you something I saw in a movie one time.
See, this pig got loose in this couple's house, and they chased it around until they fell on top of each other, and they were laughin' and gigglin' and Lovin'.
[sighs.]
ok.
peggy, come out here a minute, would you? Oops, oh my gosh! You're about to step in that rain puddle.
That gives me an idea.
Now you may pass unsoiled, mademoiselle.
Isn't that the jacket that I made for you? You said that gangs stole that jacket because it was the wrong color.
huh.
If your lies were dollars, I would have a $100,000 by now and I would live off the interest, hank.
I'd still have to keep my job, but things would be a lot easier.
Guess who? [screaming.]
.
oh, you have gasoline on your hands yeah, I was cleaning tar off the driveway.
My eyes-- My eyes are burnin'.
Hey, now that you're splashin', let's have a splash fight.
? Stop it.
What is wrong with you hey, where are you goin'? It's fun.
oh.
(peggy) oh, ooh! [snorting.]
what the hey? It's a little pig in the house.
Oh, this is crazy.
It's fun like in that movie.
.
Let's chase it together.
I'll grab it and you snatch the bow it'll be romantic.
Come on, it's pig-chasing.
(bobby) mom, dad, there's a pig in the house.
Oh, peggy, I'm tryin' to be romantic here.
.
I just wanted to make things right again for that, you would need a time machine.
And all you have is a pig.
You can't just make up a romantic story for us.
The great ones just happen naturally.
And right now, neither of us knows if one will ever happen again.
But, peggy [pig squealing.]
ah, ah! Ugh! [growling.]
my back.
Congratulations, hank.
You just ruined one of my favorite movies.
When's your date going to get here? How should I know? I don't even know for sure who she is, or if her leg is fully healed.
Where should we hide? (bobby) in the closet.
And don't play wit h the dry-cleaning bag, you could suffocate.
.
Hey, where's connie? She'd want to see this I thought she'd be here.
(luanne) bobby, your secret admirer is here.
Grandma? Happy valentine's day, boo-boo! no! [chuckling.]
.
your grandmother loves you [boggle cubes rattling.]
you cannot believe what hank has put me through.
I--I have never seen a more pathetic series of unromantic, childish stunts.
Oh, shug.
First, he thinks flowers are going to make everything better.
.
They just don't get it typical.
Flowers.
e Then, he actually drank a whole bottle of champagn out of one of my pumps.
My charcoal pads filtered out most of the alcohol, but he still got tipsy enough to sing a chuck mangione song.
??[humming.]
that one? It is our song.
Then he lets a rented pig go in my house and he tries to get me to chase it.
Just like in that famous movie, right? Uh-huh.
And he ends up flat on his back in bed, on valentine's day, just like in high school.
[sighing.]
you know, you could write that story down, .
put fabio on the cover and sell it at the airport that is one of the sweetest stories.
Nancy, could I-- Could I borrow your cell phone for a moment? [ringing.]
[sighing.]
hello.
(peggy) hello, Mr.
Hill.
This is Miss platter.
oh.
Well, good evenin' , Miss platter.
Uh, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call? Well, I'm calling to let you know that your dinner is ready.
And, uh, what did you make for dinner? Well, I thought about it and decided to make you beef wellington.
Beef wellington, huh? How'd it turn out this time? Well, I'd have to say it's pretty perfect.
Of course it is, that's your specialty.
That's right.
And I baked you a cherry pie with a golden-brown crust.
Boy! I tell you what, peggy.
That's my favorite.
Mmm-hmm.
[dish shatters.]
(peggy) mother, be careful.
That woman in that movie was 30 years younger than you.
[pig squeals.]
(luanne) stay outta here! This is my room, you pig! A pig in the house .
It's crazy.
It's fun.
Come on, bobby .
(peggy) mother, do not lift the pig.
Keep the pig on the ground.
(luanne) am I supposed to kill this pig?
[birds chirping.]
no time to eat .
I have to get this valentine done, so I can mail it by tomorrow.
Well, at least eat the butter, bobby.
It's loaded with vitamin a.
What's this, bobby? Have a girlfriend? Ha.
shh.
"happy valentine's day, joseph.
" "love, bobby"? "hey, hot stuff"? Bobby, you can't give this to joseph.
Why not? He is hot stuff.
You should see him skateboard .
bobby,if you give a valentine to a 6th-grade boy, girls are gonna think you're sensitive.
And somethin' like that can follow you the rest o' your life.
Now, here's a candy for joseph.
It says, "hey, you're ok.
" And we'll just put this card over here for now.
All right, I can use that.
Who's your valentine, luanne? me.
Since buckley said he's gonna forget valentine's day again, I finally made myself realize that to love yourself, that's the greatest love of all.
Isn't that right, aunt peggy? Um, no.
Um, no.
That's not really true at all, in fact.
[sighs.]
love between 2 people is the greatest thing that there is.
At least, that's true of uncle hank and i.
Would you like to hear the story of how we first realized we were meant to be together? I'm listenin'.
Well, our first valentine's day, we weren't even in the same room.
But I have to say, it may have been our most romantic.
[tires screeching.]
[birds chirping.]
ok.
(peggy) my school, west arlen, was playing hank's school, arlen high.
Hank and I had been dating about 6 months and things were really heating up.
Miss platter, hello.
Well, hello to you, Mr.
Hill.
Take it easy on our girls, ok? I certainly will not.
heh.
You know, um, valentine's is comin' up.
Yeah.
One of the girls had mentioned that on the bus ride.
Yeah, um, some of the other guys, you know, their girlfriend s are making 'em dinner.
oh.
So So, you Uh Yeah, I was thinkin', maybe you could be makin' me dinner.
Yeah, I could-- That's a great idea.
I could make you dinner.
All right.
.
All right.
I'll see you later hon, this is so cute.
Your first big meal.
It must-- Peggy, you are not trying to make-- That's right.
Beef wellington.
? Cherry pie why not just build him a rocket ship? Mom, would you stop it? He is my boyfriend, it is my dinner, I will cook it.
But, peggy, if hank discovers you cannot even bake, it is all over.
? You think I can't see that do not say "can't.
" You will not use contractions in this house.
[exclaiming.]
[dishes shattering.]
[sighs.]
.
cook, darn you [screams.]
[peggy sobbing.]
why me? Phone call for you, dear.
Your eyebrows look very nice.
Hello? Hi, peggy, I'm really sorry, but I pulled some tendons in my back, and I can't come over for dinner.
(peggy) you can't? Ah, don't cry, peggy.
I'm sorry I ruined your valentine's day.
.
You didn't.
I mean, i'm just so glad you're ok uh, but I'm not ok.
Uh-huh.
I bet I'm missin' a great dinner, huh? .
I made beef wellington really? Is that steak? Yes, sir.
And I made a cherry pie.
And a blueberry pie.
Wow, peggy, I love both those pies! Hey, hold one of them up to the phone so I can smell it.
I'm holding one up to the phone right now.
Oh, it's hot.
Oh, yeah.
I'm just imaginin' eatin' it.
mmm.
So tasty.
And the soup I made is good, too.
Cream of beef wellington.
Mmm, my favorite.
Oh, you dropped a little on your chin.
Uh-huh.
I dabbed it with a napkin.
Uh-huh.
Oh, no, you got a little on your earlobe.
I'll get it.
Heh-heh.
I'm just a big, clumsy guy.
[giggles.]
2 weeks later, when his back healed, we were engaged to be engaged.
You know, if I hadn't hurt my back that day, I would've known she couldn't cook.
And then I would've been forced to not marry this little gal.
wow! So, I guess what they say is true, there is somebody out ther e for everybody.
huh? No, I don't think that follows at all, luanne.
Nope, not for everybody.
Uh-uh.
oh.
Oh, guess what else.
I'm gonna see that old school today.
I'm subbin' for the record keeper.
The old high school, huh? , Boy! I haven't been there since, what the season ended, I guess, almost, uh, 2 months ago.
Yep, 2 months.
.
Got a package for you, bobby "happy valentine's day.
Love, your secret admirer.
p.
s.
Expect me valentine's night"? Whoah.
Who could it be? The only girl you ever talk to is connie.
I know.
hey! It could be kerri strug! At least, I hope it's kerri strug.
"code 12: tardiness.
"code 16: not following directions.
Code 40: following directions too closely.
" You don't see that much.
Oh, this takes me back.
Rhonda culpepper.
I went to school with her.
Did you know she was a code 42? [gasps.]
no.
I just thought she'd gotten fat for a semester.
Hey, I think we know this character.
Becky, we are not paid to snoop.
All right, then.
"hank hill, permanent record file 5402.
" [keyboard clacking.]
.
give me that freakin' file "4th grade, kicked out of chorus for refusing to sing "where have all the flowers gone?" "9th grade, told debate team to quote, 'shut the hell up.
'" [laughing.]
"12th grade, absent for 2 weeks, starting on valentine's day.
" .
Yep.
Hank hurt his back that week it's one of ou r favorite stories.
Oh, peggy, you don't have to lie to me.
So he had mono.
It was 20 years ago.
Mono? The "kissing disease"? You two must have been very busy that valentine's day.
.
Becky, I never had mono in my entire life oh! [gulping.]
hey, hank, did you ever wonde r what it'd be like to drink beer standin' over there? Curiosity killed the cat, dale.
Hello, my husband.
I was just thinkin' about some of your high-school football days.
Well, good.
That's a good thing to be thinkin' about.
Uh-huh.
You know, like, when you hurt your back and you were out for a few weeks? Oh, yeah, yeah, I took a pretty big hit, I tell you what! Heh, heh.
You know, a funny thing happened today.
I took a look in your permanent record and it says, you had mono those 2 weeks.
How did you get mono, hank? Uh, well, I happened to share a soda with a guy on the team one day.
It was the '70s, you know.
That's funny.
You know, on the way out of the building, I stopped by the school nurse's office.
She did not mention that you could get mono that way.
Well, I wouldn't put too much stock in what that woman said, if you know what I mean.
[gulping.]
(peggy) oh.
well, I wasn't aware of that.
For a moment there, I thought Well, never mind what I thought.
She's on the trail .
She's gonna find out.
No, she's not.
Unless you let somethin' slip.
I don't let things slip, hank.
I place information.
Normally I'd share these chocolates with you all.
It's just that these came from my secret admirer, so they're kinda special.
You know what's funny? We were talking about kerri strug, like, 2 days ago, remember? Now you get this valentine.
It's probably from kerri strug.
Why do you think she's so great? So she does gymnastics.
So what? Let's see her play violin.
Besides, she's in her 30s.
They don't tell you that.
You're missing the point, connie.
She had a broken leg and-- [choking.]
and she just kept goin'.
I think connie likes you.
Well, see, once one girl likes you, it's like havin' a ring on your finger.
Beck, when you were entering the records for hank's senior class, did you notice anyone else on the football team with mono? Oh, hon, you just can't get it out of your head, can you? Oh, I know it seems silly.
I don't-- I just, i--i'm afraid I can't.
Well, neither could i.
I already did the search.
There weren't any other football players with mono.
Unless a girl named amy edlin was on the team.
who? So the whore "played well with others," did she? This--this girl could have been drinking a soda, and--and she set it down next to a football player, and hank assumed it belonged to said player and-- That's it, peggy.
You just take that lie and wrap it around yoursel f like a warm blanket.
Well, I don't know it's a lie, yet.
I looked up amy edlin in the phone book, and by posing as a college-bound telemarketer, I found out where she works.
And I'm going to visit her today, and I am gonna get to the truth.
You are making a big mistake, shug.
.
The truth is like sunlight people used to think it was good for you.
What do you want to get her? Something romantic and frilly.
Like the wife of a magician would wear.
It's compulsory that you be my valentine.
[grunting.]
yeah.
Oh, man! Hello.
ahh! [both gasping.]
care to try a saus-trich? Oh, no.
Wife won't forgive me if I spoil my dinner.
Is she here? I don't see her.
Well, maybe just this once.
Care to try a saus-trich? No, thank you.
What I'm here for does not fit on a toothpick, and it certainly is not made of ostrich meat.
It is called the truth.
.
All right.
There is some turkey in it yes, I assumed that.
Let me put this another way.
I want to talk about what, if anything, happened between you and a boy named hank hill in february about 20 years ago.
Does that ring a bell? Who are you? I am a lot of things.
I am a mother, I am a teacher, and I am a wife with some questions that desperately need to be answered.
They call me peggy hill.
, It was a few weeks before valentine's .
and my boyfriend had just broken up with me (amy) I guess I just had something to prove.
It could've been anybody.
Oh, no! Can somebody help me? My bells are caught in my bike chain.
Don't struggle, you'll only make it worse.
I just feel so helpless, .
ever since my boyfriend.
.
Was killed in the jungles of vietnam.
Oh, darn! I'm so sorry about your loss.
You're very brave to bicycle in the state you're in.
Thank you.
You've helped me so much.
[smacking.]
what? No, no, I have a girlfriend.
Is she here? I don't see her.
Yeah, but no.
Come here.
Stop.
Don't-- stop.
So sweet.
Mmm.
Oh.
Oh.
So that's the story.
Here.
This coupon won't take away the pain, but it will take 30 cents off your next purchase of saus-trich.
Saus-trich lite, and our new deli-style saus-trami.
Well, thank you for telling me the truth about my husband.
You have really eased my mind.
[shrieking.]
[gasping.]
peggy, it was over 20 years ago.
No, no, sir! It was just yesterday that we told luanne the story of how your bad back saved our relationship, remember? And that means you have been lying every single da y since high school.
That is thousands and thousands of lies.
Ok, it's true.
I did lie.
.
Uh-huh oh, it feels great to get that off my chest.
Give me a hug.
I've never felt closer to you.
.
Back off, mister.
I do not feel close to you peggy, you got to understand.
I was 17-years-old.
I'd spent most of my teenage years working on my offense.
I had no defense.
Then, why didn't you just tell me? .
I would have forgiven you, hank I mean, I made out with plenty of guy s behind your back.
What? Of course, I did not.
But now you know how it feels.
So we're even? .
Oh, no, we are not hank, I could forgive the kissing.
I can even forgive the lyin'.
But there's one thing I cannot forgive.
Our marriage was built on a wonderful little romantic story.
Hank, in my opinion, it was the 2nd greates t story ever told.
But now, now we have no story.
All we have is a-- is a big side of beef and 3 broken ribs.
You break it, you buy it.
That's pink & white for you.
So here's the plan.
When my secret admirer comes to the door, you say hello.
Offer her a drink.
Compliment her dress or leotard.
y Oh, you're so luck that somebody loves you, bobby.
Right now, I'd give anything just to have someone say, "happy valentine's day, luanne.
" Oh, luanne, have you heard a word I said? Morning, peggy .
What did you d o to your hair? .
Nothin'.
That's exactly it.
Nothin' huh.
bye, mom.
I'm off to school.
Bye, sweetie.
I love you, baby.
Uh, I guess i'll be leaving, too, hon.
Whatever.
Love you.
Right.
oh.
Hey, I didn't know peggy's brother was in town.
ow! o There's so many little things that women d that you just sort of take for granted.
Now peggy's stopped doin' all of them.
It's like she's just some mopey gal with big feet who lives in my house.
You gotta do something that sweeps her off those big feet, hank.
Toss a little woo at her, see what sticks.
I don't know.
I used up all my good material winning peggy over the first time.
I tell you what.
Put a little whipped cream on that old plastic wrap.
.
Maybe you can steal somethin' from a movie .
like lethal weapon man, those two guy s loved each other.
Yeah, I'll tell you something I saw in a movie one time.
See, this pig got loose in this couple's house, and they chased it around until they fell on top of each other, and they were laughin' and gigglin' and Lovin'.
[sighs.]
ok.
peggy, come out here a minute, would you? Oops, oh my gosh! You're about to step in that rain puddle.
That gives me an idea.
Now you may pass unsoiled, mademoiselle.
Isn't that the jacket that I made for you? You said that gangs stole that jacket because it was the wrong color.
huh.
If your lies were dollars, I would have a $100,000 by now and I would live off the interest, hank.
I'd still have to keep my job, but things would be a lot easier.
Guess who? [screaming.]
.
oh, you have gasoline on your hands yeah, I was cleaning tar off the driveway.
My eyes-- My eyes are burnin'.
Hey, now that you're splashin', let's have a splash fight.
? Stop it.
What is wrong with you hey, where are you goin'? It's fun.
oh.
(peggy) oh, ooh! [snorting.]
what the hey? It's a little pig in the house.
Oh, this is crazy.
It's fun like in that movie.
.
Let's chase it together.
I'll grab it and you snatch the bow it'll be romantic.
Come on, it's pig-chasing.
(bobby) mom, dad, there's a pig in the house.
Oh, peggy, I'm tryin' to be romantic here.
.
I just wanted to make things right again for that, you would need a time machine.
And all you have is a pig.
You can't just make up a romantic story for us.
The great ones just happen naturally.
And right now, neither of us knows if one will ever happen again.
But, peggy [pig squealing.]
ah, ah! Ugh! [growling.]
my back.
Congratulations, hank.
You just ruined one of my favorite movies.
When's your date going to get here? How should I know? I don't even know for sure who she is, or if her leg is fully healed.
Where should we hide? (bobby) in the closet.
And don't play wit h the dry-cleaning bag, you could suffocate.
.
Hey, where's connie? She'd want to see this I thought she'd be here.
(luanne) bobby, your secret admirer is here.
Grandma? Happy valentine's day, boo-boo! no! [chuckling.]
.
your grandmother loves you [boggle cubes rattling.]
you cannot believe what hank has put me through.
I--I have never seen a more pathetic series of unromantic, childish stunts.
Oh, shug.
First, he thinks flowers are going to make everything better.
.
They just don't get it typical.
Flowers.
e Then, he actually drank a whole bottle of champagn out of one of my pumps.
My charcoal pads filtered out most of the alcohol, but he still got tipsy enough to sing a chuck mangione song.
??[humming.]
that one? It is our song.
Then he lets a rented pig go in my house and he tries to get me to chase it.
Just like in that famous movie, right? Uh-huh.
And he ends up flat on his back in bed, on valentine's day, just like in high school.
[sighing.]
you know, you could write that story down, .
put fabio on the cover and sell it at the airport that is one of the sweetest stories.
Nancy, could I-- Could I borrow your cell phone for a moment? [ringing.]
[sighing.]
hello.
(peggy) hello, Mr.
Hill.
This is Miss platter.
oh.
Well, good evenin' , Miss platter.
Uh, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call? Well, I'm calling to let you know that your dinner is ready.
And, uh, what did you make for dinner? Well, I thought about it and decided to make you beef wellington.
Beef wellington, huh? How'd it turn out this time? Well, I'd have to say it's pretty perfect.
Of course it is, that's your specialty.
That's right.
And I baked you a cherry pie with a golden-brown crust.
Boy! I tell you what, peggy.
That's my favorite.
Mmm-hmm.
[dish shatters.]
(peggy) mother, be careful.
That woman in that movie was 30 years younger than you.
[pig squeals.]
(luanne) stay outta here! This is my room, you pig! A pig in the house .
It's crazy.
It's fun.
Come on, bobby .
(peggy) mother, do not lift the pig.
Keep the pig on the ground.
(luanne) am I supposed to kill this pig?