Queer as Folk s02e14 Episode Script
The Dangers of Sex and Drugs
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
[ ?????? .]
Men: [ Shouting/cheering .]
[ ?????? .]
FROM HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR TO GO-GO BOY IN LESS THAN A YEAR.
IT'S GOT TO BE A RECORD.
Ted: ANOTHER SUCCESS STORY FROM FATHER KINNEY'S HOME FOR RUNAWAY BOYS.
AND TO THINK SOME PEOPLE SAY HE DOESN'T MAKE A GOOD ROLE MODEL.
IF I WERE BRIAN, I'D GO CRAZY SEEING ALL THOSE GUYS PAWING MY BOYFRIEND.
YOU KNOW, IT MUST BE TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT DEAFENING MUSIC DAMAGING YOUR EARDRUMS.
I COULD SWEAR I HEARD YOU SAY IF YOU WERE ME COME ON, IT'S GOT TO BOTHER YOU A LITTLE BIT.
I MEAN, EVERY- BODY KNOWS THE ONLY WAY YOU GET TO DANCE ON THE BAR IS IF YOU LET THE BOSS BLOW YOU.
IT'S BUSINESS.
Emmett: GETTING HEAD TO GET AHEAD? HE'S EARNING AN HONEST LIVING, NOT TAKING ANY HANDOUTS.
CHECK OUT HOW MUCH MONEY I'M MAKING.
THAT'S ENOUGH TO PUT A CHILD THROUGH SCHOOL.
SHOULDN'T THE CHILD BE AT HOME, IN BED? THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
I CAN'T.
I HAVE TO WORK TILL 2:00.
BUT, SWEETIE, YOU ALREADY LOOK EXHAUSTED.
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP IT UP? ESPECIALLY AT HOME.
Justin: DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND.
I'M ON A BREAK.
BREAK'S OVER.
RELAX, SAP.
HE'S KEEPING YOUR CUSTOMERS HAPPY.
IT'S SAPPERSTEIN, KINNEY.
AND THEY'RE MY CUSTOMERS, NOT YOURS.
COME ON, YOU'RE MINE FOR THE NEXT FOUR HOURS.
WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
[ ?????? .]
UM, DID I EVER MENTION THAT I I HAVE AN IRRATIONAL, BUT NEVERTHELESS QUITE INTENSE FEAR OF ANY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY THAT DOESN'T TAKE PLACE IN BED? COME ON, IT'S JUST HORSEBACK RIDING.
DON'T BE SUCH A SISSY.
ANY OTHER IMPOSSIBLE REQUESTS? COME ON.
WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF ADVENTURE? UH, RIGHT BACK IN THE COZY, WARM BED THAT I CRAWLED OUT OF TO FREEZE MY PRECIOUS BUNS OFF OUT HERE WITH YOU.
WELL, IT'S TIME YOU TRIED SOME- THING DARING, HUH? SOMETHING NEW.
YEAH, I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH MY BORING LITTLE LIFE RIGHT HERE IN PITTSBURGH.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER WANTED TO TRAVEL? HUH? GO AROUND THE WORLD? I BELIEVE WE DID THAT LAST NIGHT.
I MEAN FOR REAL.
[ Chuckle .]
COME ON, EMMETT, WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE BOY GROWING UP IN HAZELHURST, WHAT DID YOU DREAM OF? GETTING OUT.
WHAT ELSE? WHERE DID YOU DREAM OF GOING? BILOXI.
IT WAS THE NEAREST AIRPORT.
AH.
AND AFTER THAT? I DON'T KNOW.
NEW YORK, PARIS, ROME.
ANY PLACE AUDREY HEPBURN EVER MADE A MOVIE.
[ Chuckling .]
AND WHERE THERE WEREN'T GUYS IN SHIT-KICKERS, KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF ME.
BUT I ONLY GOT AS FAR AS PITTSBURGH.
WELL, NOW YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT.
THE WORLD IS YOURS.
IT'S YOURS AND MINE.
SO JUST SAY THE WORD.
THE WORLD IS, UH MINE.
[ Chuckling .]
Michael: AROUND THE WORLD? THE ENTIRE WORLD? Emmett: YEAH.
BORA-BORA, THE HIMALAYAS, THE SERENGETI [ Chuckling .]
GEORGE SAYS WE COULD BE GONE SIX MONTHS, A YEAR.
WOW! I MEAN, A TRIP LIKE THAT ISN'T JUST A VACATION.
THAT'S A LIFE EXPERIENCE.
HMM.
THERE'S SO MANY PLACES I WANT TO GO.
LIKE WHERE? OH, CHINA, JAPAN, TIBET TO MEDITATE.
I WANT TO GO TO BERLIN, AMSTERDAM, PRAGUE.
GREAT ART, GREAT HISTORY.
GREAT MEN.
[ Chuckling .]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE LIBERTY AVENUE TO GET INTERNATIONAL CUISINE.
FRENCH TOAST, BELGIAN WAFFLE AND A SPANISH OMELETTE FOR OUR OWN LITTLE JET-SETTER.
[ Chuckling .]
OH, D-DEBBIE? YES, BEN? UH, I'M SORRY.
WH-WHAT ABOUT MY BREAKFAST? WORKING ON IT.
I HAVE JUST SO MANY HANDS.
THAT IS SUCH CRAP.
YOU ALWAYS GET SERVED LAST.
AND WHEN IT ARRIVES, IT'S COLD.
YEAH, WELL, I DID ORDER WHEATIES.
MA.
YES, SWEETIE? WHAT'S GOING ON, MA? WITH WHAT? WITH WHAT? THE WAY YOU'RE BEHAVING TOWARDS BEN.
WHY? 'CAUSE I DIDN'T HOP TO WHEN HE WANTED HIS CEREAL? IT'S MORE THAN THAT.
YOU YOU NEVER SAY HELLO.
YOU BARELY SPEAK TO HIM UNLESS YOU HAVE TO.
WELL, FORGIVE ME IF I'M NOT SITTING DOWN AND CHATTING WITH HIM ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS OVER A CUP OF TEA.
I HAPPEN TO BE BUSY.
OR HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED? NOW, EXCUSE ME.
I'VE GOT TO GET SOMEBODY HIS BREAK- FAST OF CHAMPIONS.
[ Ringing of bell .]
WHEATIES.
[ Beeping of alarm clock .]
OH-H GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD A CLASS.
I DITCHED IT.
HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO YOUR BEST WORK WHEN YOU'RE UP ALL NIGHT FUCKING AROUND? I'M TAKING LESSONS FROM YOU.
AND I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND.
I'M WORKING.
YEAH, I SAW HOW YOU WORK.
STICKING THAT FUNNY WHITE POWDER THE SAP GAVE YOU UP YOUR CUTE, LITTLE BUTTON NOSE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PUTTING YOURSELF THROUGH SCHOOL, NOT GETTING SO HAMMERED YOU CAN'T MAKE IT TO CLASS.
$410 IN ONE NIGHT.
FOR YOUR TUITION, WHICH YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHEN THEY KICK YOU OUT.
YOU SOUND LIKE MY FATHER.
FUCK OFF.
[ Beeping of alarm clock .]
BREAK IN THE CASE? NAW.
NOTHING YET.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? IT'S A DINER, ISN'T IT? IT'S LUNCH TIME, ISN'T IT? IT'S A LITTLE EARLY, ISN'T IT? BUT WHAT'LL IT BE? UM, MEAT LOAF SANDWICH, SIDE OF FRIES.
AND HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME GOING OUT TOMORROW NIGHT? YEAH, THAT LAST ITEM ISN'T ON THE MENU.
I THOUGHT WE COULD GET ONE OF THOSE FANCY COFFEES, YOU KNOW, UH MOCHA FRAPPE LATTE, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY'RE CALLED.
YEAH, WELL, CONSIDERING HOW MUCH OF THAT STUFF I POUR, IT'D BE A BUSMAN'S HOLIDAY.
HOW ABOUT DINNER THEN? SOMEBODY CAN WAIT ON YOU FOR A CHANGE.
NO, THANKS.
IS THAT "NO THANKS, NOT TOMORROW" OR "NO THANKS, NOT EVER"? JUST NO THANKS.
HEY, HORVATH? YOU WANT A LEMON BAR FOR THE ROAD? HUH.
NO, THANKS.
[ ?????? .]
[ Groaning .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Groans of climax .]
[ Applause/cheering .]
AH, YES! OH.
TO FETCH DIXON, A BIG BIGSTAR.
YOU'RE A HARD ACT TO FOLLOW.
[ Applause .]
OH-H DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY GOOD.
THEN, LET'S HAVE SOME CAKE.
[ Laughter .]
HOWEVER EVEN THOUGH I'M RETIRING FROM THE BIZ, I WILL ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL FOR MY EXPERIENCE HERE, AND, UH, AND AND FOR FETCH DIXON.
WITHOUT HIM, I NEVER WOULD'VE MET MY HONEY.
YOU'RE AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL.
AH.
AN INSPIRATION? NO, I'M JUST LUCKY.
UM, I MEAN, THE SAME THING COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.
YOU NEVER WHO'S OUT THERE, WATCHING.
SO, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.
ONE DAY YOUR PRINCE WILL COME.
Brian: WHEN HE DOES, TED WILL BE MAKING $19.
95 FOR THE FIRST 10 MINUTES.
[ Laughter .]
Emmett: OOH! PRESENTS.
YEAH.
Various: [ Chuckling .]
Emmett: ALL RIGHT WORKING TONIGHT? HMM.
9:00 TO 2:00.
YOU CAN HARDLY KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.
I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
THE SAP WILL SEE TO THAT.
DERAMINE.
IT'S FOR MOTION SICKNESS.
WELL, THAT SHOULD TAKE CARE OF THE SEX.
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GIVE YOU THE MONEY, I'LL LOAN IT TO YOU.
I DON'T NEED YOUR HANDOUTS.
IT'S NOT A HANDOUT.
WHEN YOU GRADUATE AND GET A REAL JOB, YOU CAN PAY ME BACK WITH INTEREST.
NO, THANKS.
WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A TWAT? I'M NOT BEING A TWAT.
I'M TRYING TO LOOK AFTER MY- SELF FOR ONCE, INSTEAD OF ALWAYS LETTING YOU DO IT FOR ME.
Emmett: DICTIONARY OF FOREIGN PHRASES.
Ted: NOW YOU CAN SAY "FUCK ME FASTER" IN FARSI.
LOOK, YOU ONCE TOLD ME THAT YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME THE BEST HOMOSEXUAL IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE.
DOESN'T THAT INCLUDE BEING A MAN? SOMETIMES A MAN KNOWS WHEN TO ACCEPT HELP.
HERE'S SOME SEXY UNDER- WEAR FOR YOUR TRIP.
IT'S EMPTY.
[ Laughter .]
EXACTLY.
[ Laughter/whooping .]
"WINE, MEN AND SONG, LATE 40s, EPICUREAN, LOOKING FOR FELLOW GOURMAND.
PEEL ME A GRAPE AND I'LL PEEL YOU ONE.
" SOUNDS PERFECT.
HIV-NEGATIVE ONLY NEED APPLY.
OH.
YOU'LL FIND THE RIGHT GUY SOME DAY.
AT MY AGE, IT BETTER BE SOME DAY SOON.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT CRAP ABOUT "AT YOUR AGE".
EMMETT FELL FOR GEORGE, RIGHT? WHICH ONLY PROVES THAT LOVE IS POSSIBLE NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE.
SO WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE? I DON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE.
NOR DO I NEED ONE, 'CAUSE SOMEONE ASKED ME OUT TODAY.
YOU? YES, ME.
HUH, I MEAN, WHAT I MEAN IS, YOU LIVE WITH FAGS, YOU WORK WITH FAGS.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A STRAIGHT MAN IN YEARS.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT DETECTIVE? THE ONE INVESTIGATING THE MURDER.
HE ASKED YOU.
NONE OTHER.
HOLY SHIT! SO, WHEN ARE YOU GOING? I'M NOT.
YOU TURNED HIM DOWN? HE'S NOT MY TYPE.
HE'S ALIVE AND HE'S GOT A DICK.
WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED? SOMEONE WHO'S NOT A HOMOPHOBE.
BECAUSE HE MADE A COUPLE OF CRACKS? THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S A FAG-HATER.
IT JUST MEANS HE NEEDS ENLIGHTENING.
SO YOU GO OUT WITH HIM.
YOU'RE MORE HIS TYPE.
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU WENT ON A DATE? HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW? MUST BE SO RUSTY IT SQUEAKS.
I'VE BEEN BUSY.
DOING WHAT? TAKING CARE OF YOU.
SO WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE NOW? I ALREADY TURNED HIM DOWN.
BUT YOU'RE A WOMAN.
SOMEWHAT OUT OF PRACTICE, BUT NONETHELESS YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.
WELL, GO ON.
JUST SAY YES.
COME ON.
Emmett: HARDER! Michael: PUSH.
YES.
YES! [ Groaning .]
WHEW! DIDN'T THINK I'D GET ALL THAT IN THERE.
[ Chuckling .]
WELL, THAT'S THAT.
YEAH.
AND NOW THAT I AM GONE, YOU AND BEN WILL HAVE THE PLACE ALL TO YOURSELVES, SO YOU CAN HUMP AND BUMP AND MAKE MAD PASSIONATE LOVE AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS, WITHOUT ME LISTENING THROUGH THE WALLS.
[ Chuckling .]
ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE I'LL STAY.
[ Honking of car horn .]
TOO LATE, THAT'S THE LIMO.
COME ON UP, GEORGIE.
[ Giggling .]
GOD, I GOT TO REMEMBER NOT TO ACT LIKE A SHOPGIRL.
DON'T WANT TO EMBARRASS HIM WORLDWIDE.
WHY WOULD YOU EMBARRASS HIM? WELL, BACK IN HAZELHURST, GEORGE IS WHAT WE USED TO CALL REFINED.
AND I AM WHAT WE USED TO CALL A PIECE OF THRASH.
SOMEONE LIKE HIM WOULD NEVER ASSOCIATE WITH THE LIKES OF ME.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT IN HAZELHURST ANY MORE, AND GEORGE DOESN'T FEEL THAT WAY.
I KNOW.
IT'S JUST MORE THAN I EVER DREAMED.
YOU DESERVE A FABULOUS LIFE, EM.
AS FABULOUS AS YOU.
HMMM.
OOP.
WELL, HELLO, DREAM-DATE.
YOU ALL PACKED? YEAH.
OH, WOW! LET ME REPHRASE THAT.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU HAVEN'T PACKED? [ Chuckling .]
HAVE A GREAT TRIP.
AH, THANKS, MICHAEL.
Chauffeur: I'LL TAKE THAT, SIR.
WELL, I GUESS THIS IS IT.
UM, MAKE SURE YOU TELL THE ASSHOLE SUPER TO FIX THE RADIATOR.
LAST WINTER WE HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM IN PARKAS.
OH AND, UH, MAKE SURE HE REPAINTS IN THE SPRING.
ALTHOUGH HE'S ONLY BEEN PROMISING FOR, LIKE TWO YEARS.
OKAY.
MMM, I'M, UH REALLY GOING TO MISS YOU.
YOU KNOW, I, UH, HATE TO INTERRUPT THIS, BUT, UH, WE GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.
I'LL, UH, I'LL SEND YOU POSTCARDS, FROM RIO AND POSITANO AND, UH, OH! AH, BEIJING.
OH.
[ Chuckling .]
OKAY, BYE.
BYE.
IT'S JUST FOR THE WEEKEND SO THAT I CAN FINISH A PROJECT.
MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING.
THIS ISN'T A PARTY.
THIS IS A BUSINESS.
I NEED TO BE ABLE TO DEPEND ON MY EMPLOYEES TO SHOW UP ON TIME, DO THEIR JOB IF I DON'T, MY PROFESSOR SAID HE'S GOING TO FAIL ME.
I FEEL FOR YOU, KIDDO, I REALLY DO.
RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
JUST THIS ONCE, I'LL LET YOU OFF.
OH, THANKS, SAP.
UH, GARY.
BUT I WANT YOU TO DO ME A LITTLE FAVOUR.
[ ?????? .]
THAT'S NOT BAD.
THANKS.
MAYBE WE'LL EVEN HANG IT.
REALLY? THEN YOU CAN TELL EVERYBODY YOU'RE HUNG.
I ALREADY DO.
SO HOW DID YOU GET THE NIGHT OFF? [ Clearing of throat .]
I TOLD THE BOSS I HAD TO FINISH A PROJECT.
THAT WAS EASY.
MM-HMM.
I TOLD YOU I COULD HANDLE IT.
OW.
SMART ASS.
IN FACT, HE SAID I COULD HAVE THE WHOLE WEEKEND IF I JUST WENT TO SOME AFTER-HOURS PARTY AT HIS HOUSE.
FOR WHAT? HE WANTS SOME PRETTY BOYS THERE FOR DECORATION.
WHO ELSE IS GOING TO BE THERE? HOW SHOULD I KNOW? HIS FRIENDS.
I CAN IMAGINE WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS HE HAS.
AND I CAN GUESS WHAT KIND OF PARTY HE'S HAVING.
THAT GUY'S A FUCKING SLEAZE.
YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
[ Scoffing .]
I KNOW HOW YOU GOT TO DANCE ON THE BAR.
I LET HIM BLOW ME.
BIG DEAL.
I'LL GIVE YOU $5,000.
WHAT FOR? THAT DRAWING.
IT'S NOT FOR SALE.
NO.
JUST YOU.
Melanie: WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES.
I'M STILL PUTTING ON YOUR MASCARA.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.
HORVATH KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE.
IT'S NOT FOR HORVATH.
IT'S FOR YOU.
WELL, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE TOO.
OKAY, READY? OPEN UP.
HOLY SHIT.
I LOOK NICE.
NICER THAN NICE.
YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS.
WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN LOOKING LIKE THE QUEEN MOTHER.
All: [ Laughing .]
[ Chiming of doorbell .]
AH.
AH.
OH, CHRIST.
IT MUST BE HIM.
DON'T BE NERVOUS.
I'M NOT NERVOUS.
I'VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.
OH, HEY, THE THE THE FRONT DOOR IS THAT WAY.
OH, YEAH.
OKAY.
HI.
YOU LOOK, UH YOU LOOK, UH ARE THE WORDS YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR, "LIKE A PRINCESS"? I WAS GOING TO SAY "NOT BAD".
THAT'LL DO.
HUH.
OH, COME ON IN.
THANKS.
UM, THIS IS LINDSAY AND MELANIE.
HI.
THEY'RE LESBIANS.
THAT'S NICE.
AND THIS IS DETECTIVE HORVATH.
CARL.
HEY, CARL.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
WELL, WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY.
HUH.
HAVE FUN.
YEAH, HAVE A NICE NIGHT, UH, EVENING.
BYE.
YEAH, BEN'S STILL WORKING ON HIS BOOK, SO I FIGURED I'D COME DOWN HERE, HAVE DINNER WITH YOU AND MOM, TRY A LITTLE DIPLOMACY.
WELL, IF YOU MEAN ABOUT YOU AND HIM, FORGET IT.
SHE'S DUG HER HIGH HEELS IN AND SHE'S NOT BUDGING.
IT'S STILL WORTH A TRY.
NOT TONIGHT.
SHE'S GOT A DATE.
[ Chuckling .]
WITH A MAN? OF COURSE WITH A MAN.
WHY SHOULD SHE BE ANY DIFFERENT FROM US? WAIT, IS THAT HIM? THAT DETECTIVE? Vic: I ALWAYS THOUGHT DETECTIVES WERE SEXY.
HERCULE POIROT WITH THAT LITTLE MUSTACHE.
COLUMBO IN THAT RUMPLED TRENCH COAT.
I THOUGHT SHE SAID HE WAS A REAL HOMOPHOBE.
Debbie: HI, SWEETHEART.
CARL, YOU REMEMBER MY SON MICHAEL SURE.
AND MY BROTHER VIC.
VIC.
HI.
MIKE, HOW'RE YOU DOING? FINE.
WELL, WE'RE OFF.
Carl: ALLOW ME.
THANK YOU.
Carl: THERE YOU GO.
[ Ignition of engine .]
I'LL HAVE SOME OF THE BRIE PLEASE, AND, UH, OH, THE THE TARTE AU CHOCOLAT, AND AND, UH, AND THECREME BRULEE.
[ Giggling .]
AND, UH, AND DON'T BE STINGY WITH THE CHAMPAGNE.
George: [ Chuckling .]
YOU'VE BEEN EATING SINCE WE TOOK OFF.
WELL, IT'S MY FIRST TIME IN FIRST CLASS.
I, UH, I WANT TO MAKE SURE I GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH.
Both: [ Laughing .]
LISTEN.
WHAT? IF YOU'RE VERY QUIET, YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR THEM MOO.
WHO? THE CATTLE IN COACH.
OH.
[ Chuckling .]
I KNOW.
I USED TO BE ONE OF THE HERD.
BUT NOW I AM FINALLY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CURTAIN, AND IT'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD.
WELL FROM NOW ON, I HOPE THE WORLD WILL BE A WHOLE NEW WORLD.
HMMM.
IT WILL BE 'CAUSE I'M WITH YOU.
WOULD YOU FIND IT TERRIBLY TEDIOUS IF I TOLD YOU HOW MARVELLOUS YOU ARE? HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME? I WILL TRY TO ENDURE IT.
I TELL YOU, EMMETT, NO ONE'S EVER GIVEN ME SUCH PLEASURE.
I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO MAKE LOVE AT EVERY DESTINATION.
HMM.
[ Giggling .]
YEAH, AT MACHU PICCHU.
IN A GONDOLA IN VENICE.
ON THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA.
I WONDER IF THERE'S A 3000-YEAR-OLD GLORY HOLE? I WISH WE COULD DO IT RIGHT NOW.
WHY NOT? HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB? HONEY, IT'S WHY WILBUR AND ORVILLE INVENTED AVIATION.
YOU GO IN THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM FIRST.
THEN WHEN NO ONE'S LOOKING, I'LL SLIP IN AND, UH [ Whispering inaudibly .]
OKAY.
MM-HMM.
[ Clearing of throat .]
[ Clicking of lock .]
Debbie: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD CHILDREN.
Carl: YEAH, TWO.
MY SON, CARL JUNIOR, HE'S IN THE AIR FORCE, STATIONED IN GERMANY.
HE'S GOT A COUPLE OF LITTLE ONES.
VERY NICE.
MY, UH, DAUGHTER VICKI.
MMM.
NAMED AFTER HER MOM, GOD REST HER SOUL.
SHE'S IN SALT LAKE.
SHE'S A MUSIC TEACHER.
MARRIED? UH-HUH.
TO A BLACK GUY.
OH.
UH DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA.
DID YOU HEAR ME SAY A WORD? HE'S NICE ENOUGH.
HE'S A LAWYER.
SUCCESSFUL.
BUT YOU DON'T LIKE IT.
WELL, I'M WORKING ON IT.
BIG OF YOU.
YOU GOT ENOUGH THERE? MM-HMM.
PLENTY.
[ Sigh .]
I JUST DON'T GET WHY SHE'D WANT TO GO MAKE HER LIFE MORE DIFFICULT.
[ Sigh .]
I TRIED TALKING TO HER BUT YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN'T DICTATE TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT HOW TO LIVE THEIR LIFE OR WHO TO LOVE.
AND THE MORE YOU DO, THE WORSE IT GETS.
SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE, UH TALKING FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE HERE.
MY SON'S SEEING SOMEBODY WHO'S HIV-POSITIVE.
HOLY SHIT.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
BUT TRY TALKING TO HIM AND HE'LL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF.
WELL, I GUESS IT'S LIKE YOU SAY IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.
WE'RE JUST THE POOR SUCKERS WHO BROUGHT THEM INTO THE WORLD.
I WORRY FOR HER THOUGH, YOU KNOW.
FOR THE KIDS THEY MIGHT HAVE.
HMMM.
I WORRY TOO FOR MY KID'S LIFE.
SO I'M AN OGRE.
A DAMN PRETTY ONE.
DON'T TRY TO SWEET-TALK ME.
WHAT? CAN'T YOU TAKE A COMPLIMENT? IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE HAD ONE, I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT.
YOU SAVOUR IT, LIKE THIS.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Panting .]
AH, IT'S PRETTY TIGHT IN HERE.
THANK YOU.
[ Chiming of P.
A.
.]
Steward: [ On P.
A.
.]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'RE EXPERIENCING A LITTLE TURBULENCE.
THEM TOO? THE CAPTAIN HAS TURNED ON THE OVERHEAD SEAT BELT SIGN AND REQUESTS THAT YOU PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR SEAT.
SORRY, MY SEAT'S TAKEN.
[ Groaning .]
SH-SH-SH-SH.
WE DON'T WANT THE STEWARD HEARING AND BURSTING IN, ALTHOUGH HE WAS KIND OF CUTE.
[ Groaning .]
[ Panting .]
THAT SOUNDED LIKE A GOOD ONE.
YOU ALL RIGHT, GEORGE? GEORGE? GEORGE? OH, MY GOD.
GEOR [ Panting .]
OH, MY GOD.
GEOR GEORGE, A-ARE YOU OH MY GOD.
[ Muttering .]
SOMEBODY HELP US.
[ Whimpering .]
GEORGE GOD.
SOMEBODY [ Banging on door .]
SOMEBODY! SOMEBODY HELP US, PLEASE! GOD WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU WAITING UP FOR ME? IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.
GONNA TO GROUND ME? [ Chuckling .]
YOU'RE DRUNK.
I'VE HAD A COUPLE OF GLASSES OF WINE AND A VERY NICE TIME, IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED.
WITH THAT HOMOPHOBIC PRICK? HE'S NOT A HOMOPHOBIC PRICK.
OKAY, SO NOW WHAT IS HE? HE'S A 55-YEAR-OLD STRAIGHT GUY WITH 55-YEAR-OLD STRAIGHT GUY ATTITUDES WHO NEEDS HIS EYES OPENED.
HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.
FOR A FREE MEAL AND A LITTLE ATTENTION, YOU'RE WILLING TO OVERLOOK EVERYTHING YOU BELIEVE IN? YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, MICHAEL.
NEITHER DO YOU.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO.
AND IF YOU DON'T APPROVE, THEN I SUGGEST YOU FOLLOW YOUR OWN ADVICE WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T WANT YOU SEEING BEN, AND MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT TRY REMEMBERING ALL THE YEARS THAT I RAISED YOU AND LOOKED AFTER YOUR UNCLE VIC, WITHOUT EVER TAKING A MINUTE FOR MYSELF.
AND NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME, A-A GUY ASKS ME OUT IN I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HOW LONG, AND YOU HAVE A PROBLEM INSTEAD OF BEING HAPPY FOR ME.
WHAT, HAPPY YOU'RE SO FUCKING DESPERATE YOU'LL GO OUT WITH ANYONE? [ ?????? .]
Man: HEY, SAVE SOME FOR OTHERS [ ?????? .]
Man: HI, GUY.
[ ?????? .]
COOL PLACE, HUH? YEAH.
COOL.
[ ?????? .]
HUH.
WANT SOME? NO, THANKS.
COME ON, LOOSEN UP, RELAX.
[ ?????? .]
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF? WHAT FOR? IT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE, REMEMBER? DECORATION.
THAT WAS THE DEAL.
[ ?????? .]
THAT'S BETTER.
[ Chuckle .]
Man: OUR LITTLE FRIEND HERE LOOKS LIKE HE COULD USE A DRINK.
WHY DON'T WE, UH, OFFER HIM SOMETHING? LATER.
[ Chuckle .]
[ Deep inhalation .]
GO AHEAD.
IT'S GREAT SHIT.
[ ?????? .]
Man: OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER, TOO STRONG? WHAT HAVE WE HERE? YEAH.
[ ?????? .]
I MEAN, MICHAEL'S GOT BEN YOU'VE GOT JUSTIN.
Brian: [ Snort .]
EVEN EMMETT HAS GEORGE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
HOW COME EVERY- BODY'S GOT SOMEONE EXCEPT ME? THE REASON YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT ONE.
I DON'T? IF YOU HAD ONE, IT WOULD CHALLENGE THE WELL-ESTABLISHED OPINION YOU HAVE OF YOURSELF AS A WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT THAT NOBODY WANTS.
THEREFORE, YOU GO AFTER GUYS YOU KNOW WILL REJECT YOU, THEN YOU STAND AROUND HERE AND BITCH LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL GIRL, WHEN IN FACT YOU'VE GOTTEN EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, MAINLY NOTHING.
[ Sniff .]
WELL, THANK YOU, DR.
KINNEY.
YOU'VE SAVED ME YEARS OF THERAPY NOT TO MENTION SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS.
SHE HIT ME.
MY MOTHER FUCKING HIT ME.
SHE'S ALWAYS HITTING YOU.
THAT'S HOW SHE SHOWS HER AFFECTION.
I MEAN FOR REAL.
WELL, WHAT DID MIKEY DO? I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
I TOLD HER SHE WAS PATHETIC FOR DATING THAT FAG-HATING COP.
YOU KNOW, IF SHE KEEPS THIS UP, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE HER HONORARY QUEER BUTTON AWAY.
WHERE ARE HER VALUES? HER PRINCIPLES? YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN YOU WANT COCK.
THEY'RE THE FIRST THINGS TO GO.
COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
LITTLE MIKEY'S JEALOUS.
LITTLE MIKEY'S JEALOUS.
WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DO YOU THINK THEY DID IT? DO YOU THINK HE SLIPPED HER THE BIG GREASER? HOW ABOUT SOME MUSIC? Brian: IT'S JUST YOUR GARDEN-VARIETY OEDIPAL THING.
ALL YOUR LIFE YOU'VE BEEN HER LITTLE MAN, AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN SOME BIG OLD DICK POPS UP, THREATENS TO TAKE HER AWAY.
AND YOU'RE HURT.
YOU'RE ANGRY.
YOU'RE MAD ENOUGH TO KILL.
OKAY, ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU AND I'M THROWING YOU OUT OF THE CAR.
OKAY? EVEN IF IT IS YOURS.
[ Wailing of siren .]
SHIT.
WHAT NOW? WE'RE BEING PULLED OVER.
FUCK! [ Blasts of siren .]
YOU HAVE ANY- THING ON YOU? YEAH, 16 POUNDS OF COCAINE AND 24 OUNCES OF HEROIN.
THIS IS NO TIME TO BE FUNNY.
WHO'S BEING FUNNY? LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, SIR.
ARE YOU THE OWNER OF THE VEHICLE? NO.
HE IS.
IT'S A WONDERFUL EVENING, ISN'T IT, OFFICER? ARE YOU AWARE YOU WERE SPEEDING? OH, THAT MUST BE WHY IT FELT LIKE WE WERE GOING SO FAST.
MICHAEL.
YOU WERE DOING 60 IN A 35-MILE ZONE.
WOW, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? MATH.
GIVE THE OFFICER A JELLY DOUGHNUT.
EXCUSE ME, SIR? LOOK, DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING USEFUL TO DO, LIKE ARREST A MURDERER? JESUS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH POLICE OFFICERS, SIR? ONLY ONES THAT ARE BOFFING HIS MOTHER.
SHUT UP, ASSHOLE.
JUST GIVE ME THE GODDAMN TICKET.
OH, NOW HE'S DONE IT.
GET OUT OF THE CAR, SIR.
NOW WE'RE GOING TO GET ARRESTED.
WHAT NOW? SO YOU CAN WORK ME OVER? OH, NOW WE'RE GOING TO JAIL.
YOU TOO.
PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE CAR.
WHAT DID WE DO? I SAID OUT.
AW! OFFICER, I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO DRIVE THESE TWO GENTLEMEN HOME.
?? THEY LOVE YOU WHEN YOU'RE ON ALL THE COVERS ?? ?? WHEN YOU'RE NOT THEN THEY LOVE ANOTHER ?? IT'S SHOW TIME.
?? ARE MADE IN CALIFORNIA ?? ?? WE LOVE YOUR FACE ?? ?? WE'D REALLY LIKE TO SELL YOU ?? ?? THE COPS AND QUEERS ?? ?? MAKE GOOD-LOOKING MODELS ?? ?? I HATE TODAY ?? ?? WHO WILL I WAKE UP WITH TOMRROW? ?? ?? THERE'S LOTS OF PRETTY, PRETTY ONES ?? ?? THAT WANT TO GET YOU HIGH ?? HMM.
YOU LOOK KIND OF THIRSTY.
HUH.
HAVE A SIP.
THANKS.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY PLACE.
COME ON, I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.
[ ?????? .]
?? THEY LOVE YOU WHEN YOU'RE ON ALL THE COVERS ?? ?? WHEN YOU'RE NOT THEN THEY LOVE ANOTHER ?? ?? THEY LOVE YOU WHEN YOU'RE ON ALL THE COVERS ?? HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME.
[ ?????? .]
YOU EVER BEEN IN A SLING? OH, YOU'D LOVE IT.
COME ON, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A TRY? I DON'T I DON'T WANT TO.
I DON'T WANT TO.
[ Groan .]
COME ON, IT'S JUST I SAID THAT I DON'T TO! [ Groaning .]
[ Mixed shouts .]
SHIT! YOU BROKE ONE OF MY CAPS.
I BETTER GO.
I FUCKER.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THESE COST ME? I GOTTA GO.
YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT.
AND DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK TO WORK.
GOD Man: YOU OKAY, GARY? [ Groaning .]
[ Murmurs of concern .]
[ Sighing .]
IT, UH IT APPEARS THE GENTLEMAN SUFFERED A MASSIVE MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION, A HEART ATTACK, UH BROUGHT ON BY, UH OVEREXERTION.
WELL THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
LUCKY TO HAVE A HEART SPECIALIST ON BOARD.
UH ACTUALLY, UM, I'M A DOCTOR OF ECONOMICS.
BUT, UH, THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO MY UNCLE.
WHAT A WAY TO GO.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU? A DRINK.
I COULD REALLY USE A DRINK.
OVER ICE? WON'T BE NECESSARY.
THANKS.
[ Sniffling .]
UM, DO YOU, UH DO YOU MIND IF I STAY UP HERE? I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.
MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST HOLLER.
I'LL FETCH IT FOR YOU.
HEAR THAT, GEORGE? HE RECOGNIZED ME.
I GUESS, UH I GUESS STARDOM SOMETIMES HAS ITS ADVANTAGES.
SO, HERE WE ARE, HONEY.
FLYING AROUND SOMEWHERE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND EARTH [ Sniffling .]
LOST IN THE STARS.
Various: [ Snoring .]
I'M SO DISAPPOINTED.
I KNOW, I FUCKED UP.
I DON'T MEAN THAT.
ALL THE PORNO FLICKS I'VE SEEN THAT TAKE PLACE IN PRISON ALWAYS SHOW THESE HOT CRIMINAL TYPES IN HEAVY MAN-ON-MAN ACTION.
NOTHING LIKE THIS.
YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR EITHER.
[ Clearing of throat .]
I WONDER WHO I HAVE TO BLOW AROUND HERE TO GET A TRIPLE NON-FAT LATTE? [ Buzzing of door .]
HMM, IF YOU SAY SO.
Carl: OKAY, GENTLEMEN.
FREE TO GO.
THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOUR HOUSEKEEPING STAFF DESERVES A THRASHING.
A WORD? IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM, TALK TO ME ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF TAKING IT OUT ON THE OFFICER WHO PULLED YOU OVER.
YOU'RE A HOMOPHOBIC BIGOT AND I WANT YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM MY MOTHER.
THANKS FOR BEING FORTHRIGHT.
MAY I BE THE SAME? I DON'T HATE GAYS.
I JUST DON'T GET IT.
BUT THEN YOU COULD SAY THE SAME THING ABOUT ME, SO WE'RE EVEN.
AS FOR YOUR MOTHER SHE'S A VERY NICE LADY.
BIG HEART, BIG PERSONALITY, BIG MOUTH.
CALL ME CRAZY, BUT I LIKE THAT.
AND SHE SURE AS HELL LOVES YOU.
GO PAY YOUR SPEEDING TICKET AT THE FRONT DESK.
THERE'LL BE NO RECORD OF YOUR NIGHT IN THE SLAMMER FOR YOU OR YOUR FRIENDS.
THANKS.
MOTHER? MOM? YES? CAN WE ORDER, PLEASE? YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.
THANK YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? TWO EGGS OVER EASY, BACON, RAISIN TOAST AND TO SAY I'M SORRY.
HOW ABOUT YOU? UH, WHEATIES.
MOM, DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? TWO EGGS OVER EASY, BACON, RAISIN TOAST.
I MEANT THE SORRY PART.
I SAID I'M SORRY.
LIKE YOU WERE ORDERING SOMETHING OFF A MENU.
AND YOU EXPECT ME TO SERVE YOU UP A NICE PLATE OF FORGIVENESS.
JUST LIKE THAT.
I THINK I SHOULD LEAVE AND LET YOU TWO WORK THIS OUT.
STAY.
I HAD NO RIGHT TO JUDGE DETECTIVE HORVATH WITHOUT KNOWING HIM.
AND I HAD NO RIGHT SAYING THE THINGS TO YOU THAT I SAID.
YOU'RE ENTITLED TO DATE WHOEVER YOU WANT.
YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I AM.
RIGHT.
BUT THEN, SO AM I.
YOUR CEREAL'S COMING RIGHT UP, BEN.
THANK YOU.
[ Arrival of elevator .]
[ Sliding of door .]
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU LAST NIGHT? DON'T ASK.
WE HAVE AN ARRANGEMENT.
HOME BY 3:00, OR MY BALLS TURN INTO PUMPKINS.
HMM.
BELIEVE ME, YOU DIDN'T MISS A THING.
HOW WAS THE PARTY? OH, INCREDIBLY TEDIOUS.
I LEFT EARLY.
BET THE SAP DIDN'T LIKE THAT.
FUCK THE SAP.
ANYWAY I QUIT.
I DECIDED THAT WORKING ALL NIGHT AND GOING TO SCHOOL DURING THE DAY WAS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE TO MY GOALS.
I NEED TO PRIORITIZE, CONCENTRATE ON MY ART.
SO I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER IF IT STILL STANDS.
IT STILL STANDS.
WE'LL NEED TO DISCUSS THE TERMS OF THE LOAN INTEREST, REPAYMENT SCHEDULE.
AND WE SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING IN WRITING.
OF COURSE.
MM-HMM.
SO, WHAT MADE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND? A MAN NEEDS TO KNOW WHEN TO ASK FOR HELP.
[ ?????? .]
?? HEAVEN ?? [ ?????? .]
?? TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? [ ?????? .]
?? TAKE ME ?? [ ?????? .]
?? TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME ?? ?? TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? [ ?????? .]
?? WE'LL GET HIGHER ?? ?? OH YEAH ?? ?? ALL I WANT TO KNOW ?? ?? IS DO YOU WANT TO ROCK ME? ?? ?? THE LIGHTS ARE LOW AND YOU KNOW WHERE TO GO ?? ?? SO BABY, LET'S HIT THE FLOOR ?? ?? ALL I WANT TO SAY ?? ?? IS IF YOU LIKE TO FUNK ?? ?? THE LOOK IS RIGHT THE MOOD IS RIGHT ?? ?? SO BABY, LET'S BE ?? ?? ALL I WANT TO SAY ?? ?? IS DO YOU LIKE TO JUMP? ?? ?? THE TIME IS RIGHT THE MOOD IS RIGHT ?? ?? SO BABY, LET'S TRIP OUT ?? ?? WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME TO HEAVEN? ?? ?? TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? ?? OH, TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? ?? TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? ?? WE'LL GET HIGHER ?? ?? OH YES WHOA ?? ?? OH WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME TO HEAVEN? ?? ?? WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME TO HEAVEN? ?? ?? TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? ?? WE'LL GET HIGHER ?? ?? HIGHER ?? ?? HIGHER ?? [ ?????? .]
MOO! [ ?????? .]
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
[ ?????? .]
Men: [ Shouting/cheering .]
[ ?????? .]
FROM HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR TO GO-GO BOY IN LESS THAN A YEAR.
IT'S GOT TO BE A RECORD.
Ted: ANOTHER SUCCESS STORY FROM FATHER KINNEY'S HOME FOR RUNAWAY BOYS.
AND TO THINK SOME PEOPLE SAY HE DOESN'T MAKE A GOOD ROLE MODEL.
IF I WERE BRIAN, I'D GO CRAZY SEEING ALL THOSE GUYS PAWING MY BOYFRIEND.
YOU KNOW, IT MUST BE TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT DEAFENING MUSIC DAMAGING YOUR EARDRUMS.
I COULD SWEAR I HEARD YOU SAY IF YOU WERE ME COME ON, IT'S GOT TO BOTHER YOU A LITTLE BIT.
I MEAN, EVERY- BODY KNOWS THE ONLY WAY YOU GET TO DANCE ON THE BAR IS IF YOU LET THE BOSS BLOW YOU.
IT'S BUSINESS.
Emmett: GETTING HEAD TO GET AHEAD? HE'S EARNING AN HONEST LIVING, NOT TAKING ANY HANDOUTS.
CHECK OUT HOW MUCH MONEY I'M MAKING.
THAT'S ENOUGH TO PUT A CHILD THROUGH SCHOOL.
SHOULDN'T THE CHILD BE AT HOME, IN BED? THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
I CAN'T.
I HAVE TO WORK TILL 2:00.
BUT, SWEETIE, YOU ALREADY LOOK EXHAUSTED.
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP IT UP? ESPECIALLY AT HOME.
Justin: DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND.
I'M ON A BREAK.
BREAK'S OVER.
RELAX, SAP.
HE'S KEEPING YOUR CUSTOMERS HAPPY.
IT'S SAPPERSTEIN, KINNEY.
AND THEY'RE MY CUSTOMERS, NOT YOURS.
COME ON, YOU'RE MINE FOR THE NEXT FOUR HOURS.
WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
[ ?????? .]
UM, DID I EVER MENTION THAT I I HAVE AN IRRATIONAL, BUT NEVERTHELESS QUITE INTENSE FEAR OF ANY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY THAT DOESN'T TAKE PLACE IN BED? COME ON, IT'S JUST HORSEBACK RIDING.
DON'T BE SUCH A SISSY.
ANY OTHER IMPOSSIBLE REQUESTS? COME ON.
WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF ADVENTURE? UH, RIGHT BACK IN THE COZY, WARM BED THAT I CRAWLED OUT OF TO FREEZE MY PRECIOUS BUNS OFF OUT HERE WITH YOU.
WELL, IT'S TIME YOU TRIED SOME- THING DARING, HUH? SOMETHING NEW.
YEAH, I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH MY BORING LITTLE LIFE RIGHT HERE IN PITTSBURGH.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER WANTED TO TRAVEL? HUH? GO AROUND THE WORLD? I BELIEVE WE DID THAT LAST NIGHT.
I MEAN FOR REAL.
[ Chuckle .]
COME ON, EMMETT, WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE BOY GROWING UP IN HAZELHURST, WHAT DID YOU DREAM OF? GETTING OUT.
WHAT ELSE? WHERE DID YOU DREAM OF GOING? BILOXI.
IT WAS THE NEAREST AIRPORT.
AH.
AND AFTER THAT? I DON'T KNOW.
NEW YORK, PARIS, ROME.
ANY PLACE AUDREY HEPBURN EVER MADE A MOVIE.
[ Chuckling .]
AND WHERE THERE WEREN'T GUYS IN SHIT-KICKERS, KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF ME.
BUT I ONLY GOT AS FAR AS PITTSBURGH.
WELL, NOW YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT.
THE WORLD IS YOURS.
IT'S YOURS AND MINE.
SO JUST SAY THE WORD.
THE WORLD IS, UH MINE.
[ Chuckling .]
Michael: AROUND THE WORLD? THE ENTIRE WORLD? Emmett: YEAH.
BORA-BORA, THE HIMALAYAS, THE SERENGETI [ Chuckling .]
GEORGE SAYS WE COULD BE GONE SIX MONTHS, A YEAR.
WOW! I MEAN, A TRIP LIKE THAT ISN'T JUST A VACATION.
THAT'S A LIFE EXPERIENCE.
HMM.
THERE'S SO MANY PLACES I WANT TO GO.
LIKE WHERE? OH, CHINA, JAPAN, TIBET TO MEDITATE.
I WANT TO GO TO BERLIN, AMSTERDAM, PRAGUE.
GREAT ART, GREAT HISTORY.
GREAT MEN.
[ Chuckling .]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE LIBERTY AVENUE TO GET INTERNATIONAL CUISINE.
FRENCH TOAST, BELGIAN WAFFLE AND A SPANISH OMELETTE FOR OUR OWN LITTLE JET-SETTER.
[ Chuckling .]
OH, D-DEBBIE? YES, BEN? UH, I'M SORRY.
WH-WHAT ABOUT MY BREAKFAST? WORKING ON IT.
I HAVE JUST SO MANY HANDS.
THAT IS SUCH CRAP.
YOU ALWAYS GET SERVED LAST.
AND WHEN IT ARRIVES, IT'S COLD.
YEAH, WELL, I DID ORDER WHEATIES.
MA.
YES, SWEETIE? WHAT'S GOING ON, MA? WITH WHAT? WITH WHAT? THE WAY YOU'RE BEHAVING TOWARDS BEN.
WHY? 'CAUSE I DIDN'T HOP TO WHEN HE WANTED HIS CEREAL? IT'S MORE THAN THAT.
YOU YOU NEVER SAY HELLO.
YOU BARELY SPEAK TO HIM UNLESS YOU HAVE TO.
WELL, FORGIVE ME IF I'M NOT SITTING DOWN AND CHATTING WITH HIM ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS OVER A CUP OF TEA.
I HAPPEN TO BE BUSY.
OR HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED? NOW, EXCUSE ME.
I'VE GOT TO GET SOMEBODY HIS BREAK- FAST OF CHAMPIONS.
[ Ringing of bell .]
WHEATIES.
[ Beeping of alarm clock .]
OH-H GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD A CLASS.
I DITCHED IT.
HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO YOUR BEST WORK WHEN YOU'RE UP ALL NIGHT FUCKING AROUND? I'M TAKING LESSONS FROM YOU.
AND I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND.
I'M WORKING.
YEAH, I SAW HOW YOU WORK.
STICKING THAT FUNNY WHITE POWDER THE SAP GAVE YOU UP YOUR CUTE, LITTLE BUTTON NOSE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PUTTING YOURSELF THROUGH SCHOOL, NOT GETTING SO HAMMERED YOU CAN'T MAKE IT TO CLASS.
$410 IN ONE NIGHT.
FOR YOUR TUITION, WHICH YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHEN THEY KICK YOU OUT.
YOU SOUND LIKE MY FATHER.
FUCK OFF.
[ Beeping of alarm clock .]
BREAK IN THE CASE? NAW.
NOTHING YET.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? IT'S A DINER, ISN'T IT? IT'S LUNCH TIME, ISN'T IT? IT'S A LITTLE EARLY, ISN'T IT? BUT WHAT'LL IT BE? UM, MEAT LOAF SANDWICH, SIDE OF FRIES.
AND HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME GOING OUT TOMORROW NIGHT? YEAH, THAT LAST ITEM ISN'T ON THE MENU.
I THOUGHT WE COULD GET ONE OF THOSE FANCY COFFEES, YOU KNOW, UH MOCHA FRAPPE LATTE, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY'RE CALLED.
YEAH, WELL, CONSIDERING HOW MUCH OF THAT STUFF I POUR, IT'D BE A BUSMAN'S HOLIDAY.
HOW ABOUT DINNER THEN? SOMEBODY CAN WAIT ON YOU FOR A CHANGE.
NO, THANKS.
IS THAT "NO THANKS, NOT TOMORROW" OR "NO THANKS, NOT EVER"? JUST NO THANKS.
HEY, HORVATH? YOU WANT A LEMON BAR FOR THE ROAD? HUH.
NO, THANKS.
[ ?????? .]
[ Groaning .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Groans of climax .]
[ Applause/cheering .]
AH, YES! OH.
TO FETCH DIXON, A BIG BIGSTAR.
YOU'RE A HARD ACT TO FOLLOW.
[ Applause .]
OH-H DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY GOOD.
THEN, LET'S HAVE SOME CAKE.
[ Laughter .]
HOWEVER EVEN THOUGH I'M RETIRING FROM THE BIZ, I WILL ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL FOR MY EXPERIENCE HERE, AND, UH, AND AND FOR FETCH DIXON.
WITHOUT HIM, I NEVER WOULD'VE MET MY HONEY.
YOU'RE AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL.
AH.
AN INSPIRATION? NO, I'M JUST LUCKY.
UM, I MEAN, THE SAME THING COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.
YOU NEVER WHO'S OUT THERE, WATCHING.
SO, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.
ONE DAY YOUR PRINCE WILL COME.
Brian: WHEN HE DOES, TED WILL BE MAKING $19.
95 FOR THE FIRST 10 MINUTES.
[ Laughter .]
Emmett: OOH! PRESENTS.
YEAH.
Various: [ Chuckling .]
Emmett: ALL RIGHT WORKING TONIGHT? HMM.
9:00 TO 2:00.
YOU CAN HARDLY KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.
I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
THE SAP WILL SEE TO THAT.
DERAMINE.
IT'S FOR MOTION SICKNESS.
WELL, THAT SHOULD TAKE CARE OF THE SEX.
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GIVE YOU THE MONEY, I'LL LOAN IT TO YOU.
I DON'T NEED YOUR HANDOUTS.
IT'S NOT A HANDOUT.
WHEN YOU GRADUATE AND GET A REAL JOB, YOU CAN PAY ME BACK WITH INTEREST.
NO, THANKS.
WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A TWAT? I'M NOT BEING A TWAT.
I'M TRYING TO LOOK AFTER MY- SELF FOR ONCE, INSTEAD OF ALWAYS LETTING YOU DO IT FOR ME.
Emmett: DICTIONARY OF FOREIGN PHRASES.
Ted: NOW YOU CAN SAY "FUCK ME FASTER" IN FARSI.
LOOK, YOU ONCE TOLD ME THAT YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME THE BEST HOMOSEXUAL IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE.
DOESN'T THAT INCLUDE BEING A MAN? SOMETIMES A MAN KNOWS WHEN TO ACCEPT HELP.
HERE'S SOME SEXY UNDER- WEAR FOR YOUR TRIP.
IT'S EMPTY.
[ Laughter .]
EXACTLY.
[ Laughter/whooping .]
"WINE, MEN AND SONG, LATE 40s, EPICUREAN, LOOKING FOR FELLOW GOURMAND.
PEEL ME A GRAPE AND I'LL PEEL YOU ONE.
" SOUNDS PERFECT.
HIV-NEGATIVE ONLY NEED APPLY.
OH.
YOU'LL FIND THE RIGHT GUY SOME DAY.
AT MY AGE, IT BETTER BE SOME DAY SOON.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT CRAP ABOUT "AT YOUR AGE".
EMMETT FELL FOR GEORGE, RIGHT? WHICH ONLY PROVES THAT LOVE IS POSSIBLE NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE.
SO WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE? I DON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE.
NOR DO I NEED ONE, 'CAUSE SOMEONE ASKED ME OUT TODAY.
YOU? YES, ME.
HUH, I MEAN, WHAT I MEAN IS, YOU LIVE WITH FAGS, YOU WORK WITH FAGS.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A STRAIGHT MAN IN YEARS.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT DETECTIVE? THE ONE INVESTIGATING THE MURDER.
HE ASKED YOU.
NONE OTHER.
HOLY SHIT! SO, WHEN ARE YOU GOING? I'M NOT.
YOU TURNED HIM DOWN? HE'S NOT MY TYPE.
HE'S ALIVE AND HE'S GOT A DICK.
WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED? SOMEONE WHO'S NOT A HOMOPHOBE.
BECAUSE HE MADE A COUPLE OF CRACKS? THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S A FAG-HATER.
IT JUST MEANS HE NEEDS ENLIGHTENING.
SO YOU GO OUT WITH HIM.
YOU'RE MORE HIS TYPE.
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU WENT ON A DATE? HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW? MUST BE SO RUSTY IT SQUEAKS.
I'VE BEEN BUSY.
DOING WHAT? TAKING CARE OF YOU.
SO WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE NOW? I ALREADY TURNED HIM DOWN.
BUT YOU'RE A WOMAN.
SOMEWHAT OUT OF PRACTICE, BUT NONETHELESS YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.
WELL, GO ON.
JUST SAY YES.
COME ON.
Emmett: HARDER! Michael: PUSH.
YES.
YES! [ Groaning .]
WHEW! DIDN'T THINK I'D GET ALL THAT IN THERE.
[ Chuckling .]
WELL, THAT'S THAT.
YEAH.
AND NOW THAT I AM GONE, YOU AND BEN WILL HAVE THE PLACE ALL TO YOURSELVES, SO YOU CAN HUMP AND BUMP AND MAKE MAD PASSIONATE LOVE AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS, WITHOUT ME LISTENING THROUGH THE WALLS.
[ Chuckling .]
ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE I'LL STAY.
[ Honking of car horn .]
TOO LATE, THAT'S THE LIMO.
COME ON UP, GEORGIE.
[ Giggling .]
GOD, I GOT TO REMEMBER NOT TO ACT LIKE A SHOPGIRL.
DON'T WANT TO EMBARRASS HIM WORLDWIDE.
WHY WOULD YOU EMBARRASS HIM? WELL, BACK IN HAZELHURST, GEORGE IS WHAT WE USED TO CALL REFINED.
AND I AM WHAT WE USED TO CALL A PIECE OF THRASH.
SOMEONE LIKE HIM WOULD NEVER ASSOCIATE WITH THE LIKES OF ME.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT IN HAZELHURST ANY MORE, AND GEORGE DOESN'T FEEL THAT WAY.
I KNOW.
IT'S JUST MORE THAN I EVER DREAMED.
YOU DESERVE A FABULOUS LIFE, EM.
AS FABULOUS AS YOU.
HMMM.
OOP.
WELL, HELLO, DREAM-DATE.
YOU ALL PACKED? YEAH.
OH, WOW! LET ME REPHRASE THAT.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU HAVEN'T PACKED? [ Chuckling .]
HAVE A GREAT TRIP.
AH, THANKS, MICHAEL.
Chauffeur: I'LL TAKE THAT, SIR.
WELL, I GUESS THIS IS IT.
UM, MAKE SURE YOU TELL THE ASSHOLE SUPER TO FIX THE RADIATOR.
LAST WINTER WE HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM IN PARKAS.
OH AND, UH, MAKE SURE HE REPAINTS IN THE SPRING.
ALTHOUGH HE'S ONLY BEEN PROMISING FOR, LIKE TWO YEARS.
OKAY.
MMM, I'M, UH REALLY GOING TO MISS YOU.
YOU KNOW, I, UH, HATE TO INTERRUPT THIS, BUT, UH, WE GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.
I'LL, UH, I'LL SEND YOU POSTCARDS, FROM RIO AND POSITANO AND, UH, OH! AH, BEIJING.
OH.
[ Chuckling .]
OKAY, BYE.
BYE.
IT'S JUST FOR THE WEEKEND SO THAT I CAN FINISH A PROJECT.
MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING.
THIS ISN'T A PARTY.
THIS IS A BUSINESS.
I NEED TO BE ABLE TO DEPEND ON MY EMPLOYEES TO SHOW UP ON TIME, DO THEIR JOB IF I DON'T, MY PROFESSOR SAID HE'S GOING TO FAIL ME.
I FEEL FOR YOU, KIDDO, I REALLY DO.
RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
JUST THIS ONCE, I'LL LET YOU OFF.
OH, THANKS, SAP.
UH, GARY.
BUT I WANT YOU TO DO ME A LITTLE FAVOUR.
[ ?????? .]
THAT'S NOT BAD.
THANKS.
MAYBE WE'LL EVEN HANG IT.
REALLY? THEN YOU CAN TELL EVERYBODY YOU'RE HUNG.
I ALREADY DO.
SO HOW DID YOU GET THE NIGHT OFF? [ Clearing of throat .]
I TOLD THE BOSS I HAD TO FINISH A PROJECT.
THAT WAS EASY.
MM-HMM.
I TOLD YOU I COULD HANDLE IT.
OW.
SMART ASS.
IN FACT, HE SAID I COULD HAVE THE WHOLE WEEKEND IF I JUST WENT TO SOME AFTER-HOURS PARTY AT HIS HOUSE.
FOR WHAT? HE WANTS SOME PRETTY BOYS THERE FOR DECORATION.
WHO ELSE IS GOING TO BE THERE? HOW SHOULD I KNOW? HIS FRIENDS.
I CAN IMAGINE WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS HE HAS.
AND I CAN GUESS WHAT KIND OF PARTY HE'S HAVING.
THAT GUY'S A FUCKING SLEAZE.
YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
[ Scoffing .]
I KNOW HOW YOU GOT TO DANCE ON THE BAR.
I LET HIM BLOW ME.
BIG DEAL.
I'LL GIVE YOU $5,000.
WHAT FOR? THAT DRAWING.
IT'S NOT FOR SALE.
NO.
JUST YOU.
Melanie: WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES.
I'M STILL PUTTING ON YOUR MASCARA.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.
HORVATH KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE.
IT'S NOT FOR HORVATH.
IT'S FOR YOU.
WELL, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE TOO.
OKAY, READY? OPEN UP.
HOLY SHIT.
I LOOK NICE.
NICER THAN NICE.
YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS.
WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN LOOKING LIKE THE QUEEN MOTHER.
All: [ Laughing .]
[ Chiming of doorbell .]
AH.
AH.
OH, CHRIST.
IT MUST BE HIM.
DON'T BE NERVOUS.
I'M NOT NERVOUS.
I'VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.
OH, HEY, THE THE THE FRONT DOOR IS THAT WAY.
OH, YEAH.
OKAY.
HI.
YOU LOOK, UH YOU LOOK, UH ARE THE WORDS YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR, "LIKE A PRINCESS"? I WAS GOING TO SAY "NOT BAD".
THAT'LL DO.
HUH.
OH, COME ON IN.
THANKS.
UM, THIS IS LINDSAY AND MELANIE.
HI.
THEY'RE LESBIANS.
THAT'S NICE.
AND THIS IS DETECTIVE HORVATH.
CARL.
HEY, CARL.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
WELL, WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY.
HUH.
HAVE FUN.
YEAH, HAVE A NICE NIGHT, UH, EVENING.
BYE.
YEAH, BEN'S STILL WORKING ON HIS BOOK, SO I FIGURED I'D COME DOWN HERE, HAVE DINNER WITH YOU AND MOM, TRY A LITTLE DIPLOMACY.
WELL, IF YOU MEAN ABOUT YOU AND HIM, FORGET IT.
SHE'S DUG HER HIGH HEELS IN AND SHE'S NOT BUDGING.
IT'S STILL WORTH A TRY.
NOT TONIGHT.
SHE'S GOT A DATE.
[ Chuckling .]
WITH A MAN? OF COURSE WITH A MAN.
WHY SHOULD SHE BE ANY DIFFERENT FROM US? WAIT, IS THAT HIM? THAT DETECTIVE? Vic: I ALWAYS THOUGHT DETECTIVES WERE SEXY.
HERCULE POIROT WITH THAT LITTLE MUSTACHE.
COLUMBO IN THAT RUMPLED TRENCH COAT.
I THOUGHT SHE SAID HE WAS A REAL HOMOPHOBE.
Debbie: HI, SWEETHEART.
CARL, YOU REMEMBER MY SON MICHAEL SURE.
AND MY BROTHER VIC.
VIC.
HI.
MIKE, HOW'RE YOU DOING? FINE.
WELL, WE'RE OFF.
Carl: ALLOW ME.
THANK YOU.
Carl: THERE YOU GO.
[ Ignition of engine .]
I'LL HAVE SOME OF THE BRIE PLEASE, AND, UH, OH, THE THE TARTE AU CHOCOLAT, AND AND, UH, AND THECREME BRULEE.
[ Giggling .]
AND, UH, AND DON'T BE STINGY WITH THE CHAMPAGNE.
George: [ Chuckling .]
YOU'VE BEEN EATING SINCE WE TOOK OFF.
WELL, IT'S MY FIRST TIME IN FIRST CLASS.
I, UH, I WANT TO MAKE SURE I GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH.
Both: [ Laughing .]
LISTEN.
WHAT? IF YOU'RE VERY QUIET, YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR THEM MOO.
WHO? THE CATTLE IN COACH.
OH.
[ Chuckling .]
I KNOW.
I USED TO BE ONE OF THE HERD.
BUT NOW I AM FINALLY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CURTAIN, AND IT'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD.
WELL FROM NOW ON, I HOPE THE WORLD WILL BE A WHOLE NEW WORLD.
HMMM.
IT WILL BE 'CAUSE I'M WITH YOU.
WOULD YOU FIND IT TERRIBLY TEDIOUS IF I TOLD YOU HOW MARVELLOUS YOU ARE? HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME? I WILL TRY TO ENDURE IT.
I TELL YOU, EMMETT, NO ONE'S EVER GIVEN ME SUCH PLEASURE.
I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO MAKE LOVE AT EVERY DESTINATION.
HMM.
[ Giggling .]
YEAH, AT MACHU PICCHU.
IN A GONDOLA IN VENICE.
ON THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA.
I WONDER IF THERE'S A 3000-YEAR-OLD GLORY HOLE? I WISH WE COULD DO IT RIGHT NOW.
WHY NOT? HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB? HONEY, IT'S WHY WILBUR AND ORVILLE INVENTED AVIATION.
YOU GO IN THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM FIRST.
THEN WHEN NO ONE'S LOOKING, I'LL SLIP IN AND, UH [ Whispering inaudibly .]
OKAY.
MM-HMM.
[ Clearing of throat .]
[ Clicking of lock .]
Debbie: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD CHILDREN.
Carl: YEAH, TWO.
MY SON, CARL JUNIOR, HE'S IN THE AIR FORCE, STATIONED IN GERMANY.
HE'S GOT A COUPLE OF LITTLE ONES.
VERY NICE.
MY, UH, DAUGHTER VICKI.
MMM.
NAMED AFTER HER MOM, GOD REST HER SOUL.
SHE'S IN SALT LAKE.
SHE'S A MUSIC TEACHER.
MARRIED? UH-HUH.
TO A BLACK GUY.
OH.
UH DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA.
DID YOU HEAR ME SAY A WORD? HE'S NICE ENOUGH.
HE'S A LAWYER.
SUCCESSFUL.
BUT YOU DON'T LIKE IT.
WELL, I'M WORKING ON IT.
BIG OF YOU.
YOU GOT ENOUGH THERE? MM-HMM.
PLENTY.
[ Sigh .]
I JUST DON'T GET WHY SHE'D WANT TO GO MAKE HER LIFE MORE DIFFICULT.
[ Sigh .]
I TRIED TALKING TO HER BUT YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN'T DICTATE TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT HOW TO LIVE THEIR LIFE OR WHO TO LOVE.
AND THE MORE YOU DO, THE WORSE IT GETS.
SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE, UH TALKING FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE HERE.
MY SON'S SEEING SOMEBODY WHO'S HIV-POSITIVE.
HOLY SHIT.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
BUT TRY TALKING TO HIM AND HE'LL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF.
WELL, I GUESS IT'S LIKE YOU SAY IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.
WE'RE JUST THE POOR SUCKERS WHO BROUGHT THEM INTO THE WORLD.
I WORRY FOR HER THOUGH, YOU KNOW.
FOR THE KIDS THEY MIGHT HAVE.
HMMM.
I WORRY TOO FOR MY KID'S LIFE.
SO I'M AN OGRE.
A DAMN PRETTY ONE.
DON'T TRY TO SWEET-TALK ME.
WHAT? CAN'T YOU TAKE A COMPLIMENT? IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE HAD ONE, I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT.
YOU SAVOUR IT, LIKE THIS.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Panting .]
AH, IT'S PRETTY TIGHT IN HERE.
THANK YOU.
[ Chiming of P.
A.
.]
Steward: [ On P.
A.
.]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'RE EXPERIENCING A LITTLE TURBULENCE.
THEM TOO? THE CAPTAIN HAS TURNED ON THE OVERHEAD SEAT BELT SIGN AND REQUESTS THAT YOU PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR SEAT.
SORRY, MY SEAT'S TAKEN.
[ Groaning .]
SH-SH-SH-SH.
WE DON'T WANT THE STEWARD HEARING AND BURSTING IN, ALTHOUGH HE WAS KIND OF CUTE.
[ Groaning .]
[ Panting .]
THAT SOUNDED LIKE A GOOD ONE.
YOU ALL RIGHT, GEORGE? GEORGE? GEORGE? OH, MY GOD.
GEOR [ Panting .]
OH, MY GOD.
GEOR GEORGE, A-ARE YOU OH MY GOD.
[ Muttering .]
SOMEBODY HELP US.
[ Whimpering .]
GEORGE GOD.
SOMEBODY [ Banging on door .]
SOMEBODY! SOMEBODY HELP US, PLEASE! GOD WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU WAITING UP FOR ME? IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.
GONNA TO GROUND ME? [ Chuckling .]
YOU'RE DRUNK.
I'VE HAD A COUPLE OF GLASSES OF WINE AND A VERY NICE TIME, IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED.
WITH THAT HOMOPHOBIC PRICK? HE'S NOT A HOMOPHOBIC PRICK.
OKAY, SO NOW WHAT IS HE? HE'S A 55-YEAR-OLD STRAIGHT GUY WITH 55-YEAR-OLD STRAIGHT GUY ATTITUDES WHO NEEDS HIS EYES OPENED.
HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.
FOR A FREE MEAL AND A LITTLE ATTENTION, YOU'RE WILLING TO OVERLOOK EVERYTHING YOU BELIEVE IN? YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, MICHAEL.
NEITHER DO YOU.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO.
AND IF YOU DON'T APPROVE, THEN I SUGGEST YOU FOLLOW YOUR OWN ADVICE WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T WANT YOU SEEING BEN, AND MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT TRY REMEMBERING ALL THE YEARS THAT I RAISED YOU AND LOOKED AFTER YOUR UNCLE VIC, WITHOUT EVER TAKING A MINUTE FOR MYSELF.
AND NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME, A-A GUY ASKS ME OUT IN I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HOW LONG, AND YOU HAVE A PROBLEM INSTEAD OF BEING HAPPY FOR ME.
WHAT, HAPPY YOU'RE SO FUCKING DESPERATE YOU'LL GO OUT WITH ANYONE? [ ?????? .]
Man: HEY, SAVE SOME FOR OTHERS [ ?????? .]
Man: HI, GUY.
[ ?????? .]
COOL PLACE, HUH? YEAH.
COOL.
[ ?????? .]
HUH.
WANT SOME? NO, THANKS.
COME ON, LOOSEN UP, RELAX.
[ ?????? .]
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF? WHAT FOR? IT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE, REMEMBER? DECORATION.
THAT WAS THE DEAL.
[ ?????? .]
THAT'S BETTER.
[ Chuckle .]
Man: OUR LITTLE FRIEND HERE LOOKS LIKE HE COULD USE A DRINK.
WHY DON'T WE, UH, OFFER HIM SOMETHING? LATER.
[ Chuckle .]
[ Deep inhalation .]
GO AHEAD.
IT'S GREAT SHIT.
[ ?????? .]
Man: OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER, TOO STRONG? WHAT HAVE WE HERE? YEAH.
[ ?????? .]
I MEAN, MICHAEL'S GOT BEN YOU'VE GOT JUSTIN.
Brian: [ Snort .]
EVEN EMMETT HAS GEORGE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
HOW COME EVERY- BODY'S GOT SOMEONE EXCEPT ME? THE REASON YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT ONE.
I DON'T? IF YOU HAD ONE, IT WOULD CHALLENGE THE WELL-ESTABLISHED OPINION YOU HAVE OF YOURSELF AS A WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT THAT NOBODY WANTS.
THEREFORE, YOU GO AFTER GUYS YOU KNOW WILL REJECT YOU, THEN YOU STAND AROUND HERE AND BITCH LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL GIRL, WHEN IN FACT YOU'VE GOTTEN EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, MAINLY NOTHING.
[ Sniff .]
WELL, THANK YOU, DR.
KINNEY.
YOU'VE SAVED ME YEARS OF THERAPY NOT TO MENTION SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS.
SHE HIT ME.
MY MOTHER FUCKING HIT ME.
SHE'S ALWAYS HITTING YOU.
THAT'S HOW SHE SHOWS HER AFFECTION.
I MEAN FOR REAL.
WELL, WHAT DID MIKEY DO? I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
I TOLD HER SHE WAS PATHETIC FOR DATING THAT FAG-HATING COP.
YOU KNOW, IF SHE KEEPS THIS UP, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE HER HONORARY QUEER BUTTON AWAY.
WHERE ARE HER VALUES? HER PRINCIPLES? YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN YOU WANT COCK.
THEY'RE THE FIRST THINGS TO GO.
COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
LITTLE MIKEY'S JEALOUS.
LITTLE MIKEY'S JEALOUS.
WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DO YOU THINK THEY DID IT? DO YOU THINK HE SLIPPED HER THE BIG GREASER? HOW ABOUT SOME MUSIC? Brian: IT'S JUST YOUR GARDEN-VARIETY OEDIPAL THING.
ALL YOUR LIFE YOU'VE BEEN HER LITTLE MAN, AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN SOME BIG OLD DICK POPS UP, THREATENS TO TAKE HER AWAY.
AND YOU'RE HURT.
YOU'RE ANGRY.
YOU'RE MAD ENOUGH TO KILL.
OKAY, ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU AND I'M THROWING YOU OUT OF THE CAR.
OKAY? EVEN IF IT IS YOURS.
[ Wailing of siren .]
SHIT.
WHAT NOW? WE'RE BEING PULLED OVER.
FUCK! [ Blasts of siren .]
YOU HAVE ANY- THING ON YOU? YEAH, 16 POUNDS OF COCAINE AND 24 OUNCES OF HEROIN.
THIS IS NO TIME TO BE FUNNY.
WHO'S BEING FUNNY? LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, SIR.
ARE YOU THE OWNER OF THE VEHICLE? NO.
HE IS.
IT'S A WONDERFUL EVENING, ISN'T IT, OFFICER? ARE YOU AWARE YOU WERE SPEEDING? OH, THAT MUST BE WHY IT FELT LIKE WE WERE GOING SO FAST.
MICHAEL.
YOU WERE DOING 60 IN A 35-MILE ZONE.
WOW, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? MATH.
GIVE THE OFFICER A JELLY DOUGHNUT.
EXCUSE ME, SIR? LOOK, DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING USEFUL TO DO, LIKE ARREST A MURDERER? JESUS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH POLICE OFFICERS, SIR? ONLY ONES THAT ARE BOFFING HIS MOTHER.
SHUT UP, ASSHOLE.
JUST GIVE ME THE GODDAMN TICKET.
OH, NOW HE'S DONE IT.
GET OUT OF THE CAR, SIR.
NOW WE'RE GOING TO GET ARRESTED.
WHAT NOW? SO YOU CAN WORK ME OVER? OH, NOW WE'RE GOING TO JAIL.
YOU TOO.
PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE CAR.
WHAT DID WE DO? I SAID OUT.
AW! OFFICER, I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO DRIVE THESE TWO GENTLEMEN HOME.
?? THEY LOVE YOU WHEN YOU'RE ON ALL THE COVERS ?? ?? WHEN YOU'RE NOT THEN THEY LOVE ANOTHER ?? IT'S SHOW TIME.
?? ARE MADE IN CALIFORNIA ?? ?? WE LOVE YOUR FACE ?? ?? WE'D REALLY LIKE TO SELL YOU ?? ?? THE COPS AND QUEERS ?? ?? MAKE GOOD-LOOKING MODELS ?? ?? I HATE TODAY ?? ?? WHO WILL I WAKE UP WITH TOMRROW? ?? ?? THERE'S LOTS OF PRETTY, PRETTY ONES ?? ?? THAT WANT TO GET YOU HIGH ?? HMM.
YOU LOOK KIND OF THIRSTY.
HUH.
HAVE A SIP.
THANKS.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY PLACE.
COME ON, I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.
[ ?????? .]
?? THEY LOVE YOU WHEN YOU'RE ON ALL THE COVERS ?? ?? WHEN YOU'RE NOT THEN THEY LOVE ANOTHER ?? ?? THEY LOVE YOU WHEN YOU'RE ON ALL THE COVERS ?? HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME.
[ ?????? .]
YOU EVER BEEN IN A SLING? OH, YOU'D LOVE IT.
COME ON, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A TRY? I DON'T I DON'T WANT TO.
I DON'T WANT TO.
[ Groan .]
COME ON, IT'S JUST I SAID THAT I DON'T TO! [ Groaning .]
[ Mixed shouts .]
SHIT! YOU BROKE ONE OF MY CAPS.
I BETTER GO.
I FUCKER.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THESE COST ME? I GOTTA GO.
YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT.
AND DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK TO WORK.
GOD Man: YOU OKAY, GARY? [ Groaning .]
[ Murmurs of concern .]
[ Sighing .]
IT, UH IT APPEARS THE GENTLEMAN SUFFERED A MASSIVE MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION, A HEART ATTACK, UH BROUGHT ON BY, UH OVEREXERTION.
WELL THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
LUCKY TO HAVE A HEART SPECIALIST ON BOARD.
UH ACTUALLY, UM, I'M A DOCTOR OF ECONOMICS.
BUT, UH, THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO MY UNCLE.
WHAT A WAY TO GO.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU? A DRINK.
I COULD REALLY USE A DRINK.
OVER ICE? WON'T BE NECESSARY.
THANKS.
[ Sniffling .]
UM, DO YOU, UH DO YOU MIND IF I STAY UP HERE? I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.
MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST HOLLER.
I'LL FETCH IT FOR YOU.
HEAR THAT, GEORGE? HE RECOGNIZED ME.
I GUESS, UH I GUESS STARDOM SOMETIMES HAS ITS ADVANTAGES.
SO, HERE WE ARE, HONEY.
FLYING AROUND SOMEWHERE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND EARTH [ Sniffling .]
LOST IN THE STARS.
Various: [ Snoring .]
I'M SO DISAPPOINTED.
I KNOW, I FUCKED UP.
I DON'T MEAN THAT.
ALL THE PORNO FLICKS I'VE SEEN THAT TAKE PLACE IN PRISON ALWAYS SHOW THESE HOT CRIMINAL TYPES IN HEAVY MAN-ON-MAN ACTION.
NOTHING LIKE THIS.
YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR EITHER.
[ Clearing of throat .]
I WONDER WHO I HAVE TO BLOW AROUND HERE TO GET A TRIPLE NON-FAT LATTE? [ Buzzing of door .]
HMM, IF YOU SAY SO.
Carl: OKAY, GENTLEMEN.
FREE TO GO.
THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOUR HOUSEKEEPING STAFF DESERVES A THRASHING.
A WORD? IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM, TALK TO ME ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF TAKING IT OUT ON THE OFFICER WHO PULLED YOU OVER.
YOU'RE A HOMOPHOBIC BIGOT AND I WANT YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM MY MOTHER.
THANKS FOR BEING FORTHRIGHT.
MAY I BE THE SAME? I DON'T HATE GAYS.
I JUST DON'T GET IT.
BUT THEN YOU COULD SAY THE SAME THING ABOUT ME, SO WE'RE EVEN.
AS FOR YOUR MOTHER SHE'S A VERY NICE LADY.
BIG HEART, BIG PERSONALITY, BIG MOUTH.
CALL ME CRAZY, BUT I LIKE THAT.
AND SHE SURE AS HELL LOVES YOU.
GO PAY YOUR SPEEDING TICKET AT THE FRONT DESK.
THERE'LL BE NO RECORD OF YOUR NIGHT IN THE SLAMMER FOR YOU OR YOUR FRIENDS.
THANKS.
MOTHER? MOM? YES? CAN WE ORDER, PLEASE? YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.
THANK YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? TWO EGGS OVER EASY, BACON, RAISIN TOAST AND TO SAY I'M SORRY.
HOW ABOUT YOU? UH, WHEATIES.
MOM, DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? TWO EGGS OVER EASY, BACON, RAISIN TOAST.
I MEANT THE SORRY PART.
I SAID I'M SORRY.
LIKE YOU WERE ORDERING SOMETHING OFF A MENU.
AND YOU EXPECT ME TO SERVE YOU UP A NICE PLATE OF FORGIVENESS.
JUST LIKE THAT.
I THINK I SHOULD LEAVE AND LET YOU TWO WORK THIS OUT.
STAY.
I HAD NO RIGHT TO JUDGE DETECTIVE HORVATH WITHOUT KNOWING HIM.
AND I HAD NO RIGHT SAYING THE THINGS TO YOU THAT I SAID.
YOU'RE ENTITLED TO DATE WHOEVER YOU WANT.
YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I AM.
RIGHT.
BUT THEN, SO AM I.
YOUR CEREAL'S COMING RIGHT UP, BEN.
THANK YOU.
[ Arrival of elevator .]
[ Sliding of door .]
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU LAST NIGHT? DON'T ASK.
WE HAVE AN ARRANGEMENT.
HOME BY 3:00, OR MY BALLS TURN INTO PUMPKINS.
HMM.
BELIEVE ME, YOU DIDN'T MISS A THING.
HOW WAS THE PARTY? OH, INCREDIBLY TEDIOUS.
I LEFT EARLY.
BET THE SAP DIDN'T LIKE THAT.
FUCK THE SAP.
ANYWAY I QUIT.
I DECIDED THAT WORKING ALL NIGHT AND GOING TO SCHOOL DURING THE DAY WAS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE TO MY GOALS.
I NEED TO PRIORITIZE, CONCENTRATE ON MY ART.
SO I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER IF IT STILL STANDS.
IT STILL STANDS.
WE'LL NEED TO DISCUSS THE TERMS OF THE LOAN INTEREST, REPAYMENT SCHEDULE.
AND WE SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING IN WRITING.
OF COURSE.
MM-HMM.
SO, WHAT MADE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND? A MAN NEEDS TO KNOW WHEN TO ASK FOR HELP.
[ ?????? .]
?? HEAVEN ?? [ ?????? .]
?? TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? [ ?????? .]
?? TAKE ME ?? [ ?????? .]
?? TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME ?? ?? TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? [ ?????? .]
?? WE'LL GET HIGHER ?? ?? OH YEAH ?? ?? ALL I WANT TO KNOW ?? ?? IS DO YOU WANT TO ROCK ME? ?? ?? THE LIGHTS ARE LOW AND YOU KNOW WHERE TO GO ?? ?? SO BABY, LET'S HIT THE FLOOR ?? ?? ALL I WANT TO SAY ?? ?? IS IF YOU LIKE TO FUNK ?? ?? THE LOOK IS RIGHT THE MOOD IS RIGHT ?? ?? SO BABY, LET'S BE ?? ?? ALL I WANT TO SAY ?? ?? IS DO YOU LIKE TO JUMP? ?? ?? THE TIME IS RIGHT THE MOOD IS RIGHT ?? ?? SO BABY, LET'S TRIP OUT ?? ?? WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME TO HEAVEN? ?? ?? TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? ?? OH, TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? ?? TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? ?? WE'LL GET HIGHER ?? ?? OH YES WHOA ?? ?? OH WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME TO HEAVEN? ?? ?? WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME TO HEAVEN? ?? ?? TAKE ME TO HEAVEN ?? ?? WE'LL GET HIGHER ?? ?? HIGHER ?? ?? HIGHER ?? [ ?????? .]
MOO! [ ?????? .]