Roseanne s02e14 Episode Script
One for the Road
WELL, WE'RE GONNA BE AT GRANDMA'S BY 2:00 UNLESS WE GET REALLY LUCKY AND WE GET INTO A HEAD-ON COLLISION.
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF THE ROADS WERE CLOSED AND WE COULDN'T GET THROUGH? I'LL GO GET SOME ROAD SNACKS.
OK, BECKY, I LEFT GRANDMA'S NUMBER ON THE CORK BOARD AND IF DARLENE AIN'T HOME BY 4:30, I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A CALL.
COLLECT.
GOOD-BYE, MOTHER.
TRAIN LEAVING FOR OAK RIDGE MALL, BUDGET CLUB, AND MOLINE, ILLINOIS, BOARDING ON TRACK ONE.
HAVE YOUR TICKETS READY.
I HAVE TO MAKE! I'M GONNA GO WARM UP THE CAR.
SO, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA WORK ON YOUR HISTORY, HUH? SOCIAL STUDIES.
OH, WHATEVER.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOUR GRANDMA'S SURE GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU AND DARLENE AREN'T GONNA COME.
I CAN'T HELP IT, MOM.
THE PAPER'S DUE NEXT WEEK.
HOW COME YOU'RE NOT BRINGING THE GIRLS? WELL, YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE EXPOSING THEM TO MOM TOO OFTEN.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE RADIATION.
LET'S GO! WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'? TO GET THE COFFEE! I'M GONNA GO MAKE A PIT STOP.
SO, YOU GUYS TRY NOT TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN, HUH? AND DON'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT CALLING GRANDMA, DON'T LEAVE THE LIGHTS ON IN EVERY ROOM, TURN THE HEAT DOWN IF YOU DO LEAVE, AND THE CHOCOLATE PUDDING IN THE LITTLE CANS IS OFF-LIMITS 'CAUSE THEY'RE FOR D.
J.
's LUNCH.
THAT ABOUT COVER IT? Both: AND CALL ME IF DARLENE'S LATE.
FINAL CALL FOR BUDGET CLUB, MOLINE, ILLINOIS! BOARD! WHY ARE WE GOING TO GRANDMA'S? UH, TO CHECK OUT THE SLIDES FROM THEIR VACATION TO FLORIDA.
ISN'T DARLENE GOING? DARLENE'S GOT A BIG BASKETBALL GAME.
WHAT ABOUT BECKY? NO.
SHE GOTTA DO HER HISTORY.
WELL, THEN I AIN'T GOIN', NEITHER.
NO WAY.
OH, YES, YOU ARE.
D.
J.
, WE GET TO SPEND THE WHOLE EVENING WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA.
AND DADDY NEEDS SOMEBODY TO TALK TO.
EVERYBODY READY? HAVE FUN.
BYE.
NOW, YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE.
SO FAR, YOU'RE STILL HERE.
SEE YOU LATER.
[CAR DRIVES AWAY.]
YES! THEY'RE GONE! SO WHERE DO YOU WANNA WORK, THE KITCHEN OR THE LIVING ROOM? HOW ABOUT THE MALL? WELL, IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE IN THE LIVING ROOM, BUT THE LIGHT'S BETTER IN THE KITCHEN.
CAN WE HEAR THE STEREO? OH, DEFINITELY.
GOOD, 'CAUSE I CAN'T STUDY WITHOUT MUSIC.
MY BRAIN STOPS.
I KNOW.
IT'S REALLY HARD TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING AT A TIME.
DON'T THINK I'M STUPID OR ANYTHING BUT, LIKE, WHAT IS THIS PROJECT ABOUT? IT'S ABOUT US, WOMEN IN THE NINETIES.
WOMEN OF THE NINETIES OR WOMEN IN THE NINETIES? I THINK IT'S WOMEN IN THE NINETIES.
'CAUSE IT'S KIND OF A FUTURE THING.
BUT WOULDN'T WOMEN IN THE NINETIES MEAN, LIKE, OLD WOMEN? NO, THAT WOULD BE WOMEN IN THEIR NINETIES.
OK, SO THEN WE'RE GETTING INTO A GRAMMAR THING.
SO LET'S FORGET IT.
OK, HERE'S SOMETHING WE CAN USE.
A WOMAN IN A HARD HAT DOING CONSTRUCTION.
I LIKE THOSE JEANS SHE'S WEARING.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE THOSE AT RODBELL'S.
I WOULDN'T MIND BEING A MODEL.
YOU STAND AROUND ALL DAY LOOKING PERFECT, AND YOU GET PAID A FORTUNE.
YEAH, BUT YOU CAN'T EAT ANYTHING, 'CAUSE YOU GET FAT.
AND YOU CAN'T STAY OUT LATE, 'CAUSE YOU GET BAGS UNDER YOUR EYES.
REALLY.
IF I WERE A MODEL, I GUESS I'D HAVE TO BECOME LESS OF A PARTY ANIMAL.
OH, RIGHT.
LIKE YOU'RE A REAL PARTY ANIMAL.
HEY, I'VE HAD BEER.
WHEN? WRIGLEY FIELD.
THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
YOU WERE WITH YOUR DAD.
OK BILLY SPERRY.
GET OUT OF HERE.
I HAD BEER WITH HIM ONCE.
HOW MUCH? MORE THAN YOU.
YEAH, BUT I BET YOU'VE NEVER HAD A TORNADO.
NO, BUT I'VE HEARD OF THEM.
THEY'RE AWESOME.
YOU EVER HAD ONE? NO, BUT I THINK I KNOW HOW TO MAKE ONE.
WANNA TRY ONE? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S IN IT? EVERYTHING, AND JUICE.
OH, NO.
I THINK WE'RE OUT OF JUICE.
WELL, CAN'T YOU USE SODA? YOU'RE A GENIUS.
OK, IT'S 1:00 NOW.
HOW LONG DO WE WANNA WORK, CONSIDERING THIS ISN'T DUE FOR 2 WEEKS? YEAH.
WE STILL HAVE NEXT WEEKEND.
HOW 'BOUT WE WORK TILL 3:00, THEN GET TO THE MALL WHERE WE BELONG? IT'S A PLAN.
A-ARE YOU GONNA HAVE ANY? YEAH.
MINE'S RIGHT HERE.
GO AHEAD.
WELL, YOU GO FIRST.
BUT YOU'RE MY GUEST.
OK.
WE'LL DRINK AT THE SAME TIME.
READY? AIM FIRE.
[COUGHS.]
Dana: YOU KNOW, I LOOK BACK AT JUNIOR HIGH NOW, AND I JUST LAUGH.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I KNOW.
IT'S SCARY.
CHECK THIS OUT.
THIS IS WHAT MY PARENTS CALL "TRIPPY.
" [MUSIC PLAYING.]
OK, SO GET BACK TO JIMMY.
OH, DON'T REMIND ME.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT HIM.
DOWN THE TOILET! BECKY HMM? ARE YOU AWARE THIS ROOM IS MOVING? [LAUGHING.]
YOU'RE PLOWED! THESE ARE GREAT! TOLD YOU.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT'S THE MATTER? THE ROOM IS MOVING.
YEAH.
AIN'T IT GREAT? THIS MUSIC IS SCARING ME.
[GIGGLING.]
WHOA-HO-HO! MY PARENTS DIG ALL THOSE SOUNDS FROM BEFORE MUSIC WAS INVENTED.
MINE, TOO.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ALBERT HERBERT? HE'S FROM TIJUANA.
SHE OPENS THE DOOR, SHE CLOSES THE DOOR.
SHE TURNS, SHE DRIBBLES, SHE CUTS THROUGH THE KEY.
SHE SPINS.
IT'S UP! SHE STEALS HER SISTER'S SODA.
HEY! OHH! THIS STUFF TASTES LIKE SOCK SWEAT.
WE'RE STUDYING.
HOW COME THE LIQUOR CABINET IS OPEN? I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THE WINE HAD TO BREATHE.
[LAUGHS.]
YOU GUYS ARE DRUNK.
MM-MMM.
WE'RE JUST HAPPY.
THIS IS MY SISTER LARDENE LARLENE DARDENE.
[LAUGHS.]
WHAT?! WHERE'S THE BATHROOM? OH WE DON'T HAVE A BATHROOM.
WE USE A WOK.
[LAUGHING.]
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SLEPT THE WHOLE WAY.
I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.
MOM JUST SUCKS THE LIFEBLOOD RIGHT OUT OF ME.
THE NEXT TIME I GO BACK THERE IS WHEN THEY COME HERE.
AND WHAT WAS THAT SMELL IN THEIR HOUSE? GUILT.
THANK GOD WE'RE BACK.
AND ALL OF 'EM TAKEN FROM THE CAR.
AND NOT ONE SLIDE IN FOCUS.
AND WHO ARE ALL THOSE PEOPLE? IT'S LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO CREATE THE ILLUSION THAT THEY HAVE FRIENDS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S STILL BUYING ME CLOTHES.
WELL, I GUESS IT PAYS TO BE IN THE CIRCUS WHEN THE CLOWN DIES.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED THOSE REAL BIG SHOES.
HOW ARE THE GIRLS? SILENT.
BOY, YOU CAN HEAR IT ACROSS THE WHOLE STATE.
HEY.
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU, HONEY, FOR NOT HITTING MY MOM.
YEAH, AND I HAD SUCH A CLEAN SHOT, TOO.
I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON THE GIRLS.
HOW COME YOU'RE STILL UP? UH, I HEARD DAD COME UP WITH D.
J.
IS BECKY UP, TOO? NO.
SHE'S PRETTY MUCH OUT.
WE HUMILIATED ST.
MARY'S 38-26, AND I GOT FOULED 3 TIMES BY THIS DIPPY BLOND KID FROM WAYLAND.
YEAH? DID YOU MAKE YOUR SHOTS? UH, THE FIRST TWO.
THEN HE ASKED ME FOR MY PHONE NUMBER, AND I BLEW THE LAST ONE.
PSYCHED YOU OUT, HUH? I GUESS.
WELL, YOU GO ON TO BED NOW.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
[WHISTLING PATHE NEWSREEL THEME.]
ONE GOOD FROLIC IN 3 WEEKS AND YOU'RE ACTIN' LIKE BEN HUR.
YEAH, WELL, I REALLY GOT THAT OLD CHARIOT ROCKIN'.
[IMITATES WHIP CRACKING.]
YOU MAKIN' PANCAKES? WHO WANTS TO KNOW? I'LL HAVE THE GLADIATOR'S HELPING! WHAT'S WITH THAT SMIRK? WHAT SMIRK? YOU KNOW THE ONE.
OH, YEAH.
[IMITATES WHIP CRACKING.]
[IMITATES HORSE SNORTING.]
WE HAVE VERY STRANGE PARENTS, D.
J.
PULL MY FINGER.
PULL YOUR OWN FINGER.
HEY, WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA OF BLOWIN' A FOUL SHOT JUST 'CAUSE SOME KID WANTS YOUR PHONE NUMBER? YOU HAVE SUCH A BIG MOUTH.
NO, I DON'T.
BECKY! YOUR GRANDFATHER REALLY MISSED YOU YESTERDAY.
HE SAID HE HAD A NEW JOKE FOR YOU.
YEAH, LET ME GUESS.
TEACHER SAYS TO JIMMY, "I SEE YOU HAVE A COLD.
" JIMMY SAYS TO THE TEACHER, "CAN YOU SEE IT NOW?" [YUKKING.]
[AS GRANDFATHER.]
PULL MY FINGER! THAT'D BE THE ONE.
HEY.
WHAT IS THE BIG IDEA OF PLAYIN' MY RECORDS AND LEAVIN' 'EM LIKE THIS? I'M TALKIN' TO YA.
I KNOW.
I APOLOGIZE.
CAN I BE EXCUSED? NO! WE'RE NOT EVEN DONE EATIN' YET.
WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR SISTER? YOU WANT ME TO GET HER? YEAH.
THAT'D BE SWELL.
BOY, SHE'S BEING AWFULLY OBEDIENT.
I NOTICED.
DON'T JUMP! YOU OK? [QUIETLY.]
I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE.
WE'RE HAVING BREAKFAST.
DON'T EVEN MENTION FOOD.
WHAT'D YOU GUYS DRINK YESTERDAY ANYWAY? WHO KNOWS? LISTEN, I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT? WELL, MOM WANTS YOU DOWN FOR BREAKFAST.
IF I EVEN LOOK AT FOOD, I'M GONNA BARF.
WELL, WHAT SHOULD I TELL MOM? JUST TELL HER I'M SLEEPING.
TELL HER I DON'T FEEL WELL.
SO YOU BECOMIN' A DRUNK? DARLENE, GO DOWNSTAIRS.
YOU MEAN FOR SOME BUTTERY BUCKWHEAT PANCAKES AND SAUSAGE? DARLENE, SHUT UP! I'M SERIOUS.
YOU WERE SO WEIRD YESTERDAY.
YOU REALLY SCARED ME.
I WAS JUST GOOFING WITH YOU.
LOOK, I DON'T WANT A SISTER WHO'S A BOOZER.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH I'M GONNA HAVE TO OVERCOME YOUR NERD LEGACY.
DARLENE, YOU'RE IN SEVENTH GRADE.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
NOW, JUST GO DOWNSTAIRS AND QUIT BUGGING ME.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO THIS AGAIN, ARE YOU? LOOK, I'LL DO--OHH.
I'LL DO WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE DOING, YOU LITTLE BRAT.
NOW BEAT IT.
OK, OK.
MAYBE WHEN I COME BACK UP, I'LL BRING YOU A LITTLE BREAKFAST.
MAYBE A SAUSAGE OR 2, SO YOU CAN BITE DOWN ON THOSE LITTLE HARD CHUNKS AND MAYBE A POACHED EGG, SLIGHTLY UNDERCOOKED UGH! WITH THAT WHITE RUNNY STUFF THAT YOU CAN NEVER QUITE KEEP ON THE SPOON.
[SLURPS.]
YES! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
HI.
HI.
YOUR MOM HOME? YEAH.
HI.
I'M KAREN HUTSON.
DANA'S MOM.
OH.
YEAH.
I'M ROSEANNE CONNER.
COME ON IN.
YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE THE MESS, BUT WE LIVE HERE.
I'LL ONLY TAKE A COUPLE OF MINUTES OF YOUR TIME.
SURE.
YOU KNOW IT'S HARD ENOUGH TRYING TO KEEP AN EYE ON MY KID, BEING BY MYSELF HERE.
I KIND OF HAVE TO COUNT ON OTHER PARENTS TO HELP OUT ONCE IN A WHILE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NO, NOT REALLY.
I THINK IT'S REALLY CRAPPY THAT I LET MY KID COME OVER HERE AND YOU GUYS JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE IN THE HOUSE THE WHOLE DAMN DAY WITH AN OPEN LIQUOR CABINET.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? MY KID CAME HOME COMPLETELY BOMBED YESTERDAY, AND SHE WAS THROWING UP HALF THE NIGHT.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT MY KID GOT YOUR KID DRUNK? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING.
BECKY! GO FIND YOUR DAD.
WHERE IS HE? I DON'T-- JUST GO FIND HIM.
BECKY, WOULD YOU PLEASE GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE?! WELL, I'M SORRY THAT YOUR KID CAME HOME DRUNK, BUT, I MEAN, IF YOU KNEW BECKY AT ALL, YOU'D KNOW SHE'S-- DOESN'T DO STUFF LIKE THAT.
DID YOU AND DANA GET CROCKED YESTERDAY? CROCKED? YOU MEAN ON LIQUOR? DANA SAYS YOU WERE MAKING TORNADOES.
WE WERE WORKING ON SOCIAL STUDIES.
WELL, MAYBE YOU AND DANA SHOULDN'T WORK TOGETHER ANYMORE.
I MEAN, SHE'S BEEN THROWING UP ALL NIGHT, AND YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN REINCARNATED AS A RAG.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON? WELL, I GUESS WE MISSED SOME BIG PARTY RIGHT HERE IN OUR LIVING ROOM YESTERDAY.
WHAT THE HELL WENT ON HERE? DID YOU GET IN THE LIQUOR WHEN YOU WERE PLAYING THE RECORDS? I WAS PLAYING THE RECORDS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
DARLENE, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE PLAYING THE RECORDS.
WELL, YEAH.
I MEAN I GOT 'EM OUT, BUT BECKY WAS ACTUALLY PLAYING THEM.
WHO WAS THE BARTENDER? WASN'T IT THAT GIRL WHO WAS OVER HERE STUDYING WITH YOU? WELL, LOOK, I'M SORRY I WASN'T HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON WHATEVER THE HELL WENT ON HERE YESTERDAY.
I'M SORRY, TOO.
I'VE GOT A 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL AT HOME WITH A HANGOVER.
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND TAKE CARE OF HER.
MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD SHELL OUT A FEW BUCKS AND GET A LOCK ON THAT LIQUOR CABINET.
THANKS, BUT I THINK WE KNOW HOW TO RUN OUR OWN HOUSEHOLD.
YEAH, WELL, DON'T EXPECT TO BE SEEING MY KID AROUND HERE ANYMORE.
BECKY, GET UPSTAIRS TILL WE CALL YOU BACK DOWN.
NO, I WANNA TALK.
YOU SIT THERE.
BECKY, GET UPSTAIRS.
I THINK WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THIS FIRST.
THERE'S NOTHING I'M GONNA SAY TO YOU THAT I CAN'T SAY TO HER, AND I'M NOT FEELIN' REAL SHY RIGHT NOW.
BECKY, GET BACK IN HERE AND SIT DOWN.
WHAT THE HELL IS WITH YOU, BECKY? WHAT, DO YOU LOOK PEOPLE IN THE FACE AND THEN LIE TO 'EM? YOU'VE REALLY PUSHED IT TOO FAR THIS TIME, KIDDO.
THE FIRST TIME WE LEAVE YOU ALONE IN THIS HOUSE AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO? I'M GONNA GO UPSTAIRS AND FLUSH THE WOK.
ALL RIGHT, BECKY.
WHAT HAPPENED HERE? AND TRY TELLING THE TRUTH THIS TIME.
LOOK, IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.
WE HAD A COUPLE OF TORNADOES.
OH, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
HOW COME YOU LIED? WHO MADE THEM? I MADE THEM.
I WANNA KNOW RIGHT NOW, IS THIS A NEW THING OR A REGULAR THING? I'VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE.
IS THAT THE TRUTH? YES! WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?! YOU GUYS DRINK ALL THE TIME! FIRST OF ALL, WE DON'T DRINK ALL THE TIME.
SECOND OF ALL, WE'RE NOT TALKIN' ABOUT US! LOOK, I HAVE ONE DRINK AND YOU'RE ACTING LIKE I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.
OH, QUICK, CALL THE 800 NUMBER.
WE ARE YOUR AND IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM, YOU BETTER TELL US ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.
WE WERE BORED.
WE WERE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO DO.
YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DO? FIND ME! I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO DO! I GUESS I JUST WASN'T THINKING.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, BECKY, YOU'RE 14 YEARS OLD! MOM, EVERYTHING I DO, EVERYTHING I FEEL, IT'S ALWAYS, "WELL, SHE'S 14.
" I MEAN, WHEN YOU GUYS DO SOMETHING, PEOPLE DON'T GO, "OH, WELL, SHE'S 37.
" WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW, BECKY, YOU'RE GONNA FIND THAT WHEN GROWNUPS DRINK, THEY MOSTLY DRINK FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
SO WHAT ARE THE RIGHT REASONS? HONEY? YOU'RE GROUNDED.
SIP THAT TEA AND TRY TO EAT SOME OF THIS TOAST, AND YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.
SO, BECKY, YOU STILL BOMBED? NO.
SHE'S NOT BOMBED.
SHE JUST WISHES SHE WAS DEAD.
COULD EVERYONE BE JUST A LITTLE BIT QUIETER? YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HORRIBLE I FEEL.
OH, YES, I DO.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SO MUCH BOTHERED BY THE FACT THAT YOU TOOK A DRINK.
I MEAN, YOU TRIED IT.
YOU GOT SICK, YOU GOT CAUGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE.
WHAT REALLY BUGS THE HELL OUT OF ME IS THAT I JUST CAN'T TRUST YOU ANYMORE, AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT I COULD.
YOU BLEW IT BIG-TIME.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? THAT I HAVE TO BE CHAPERONED THE REST OF MY LIFE? WELL, YOU TELL ME.
CAN I NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE IN THE HOUSE ANYMORE? WELL, I COULD WATCH HER.
SO, DO I HAVE TO THROW OUT EVERY BIT OF LIQUOR 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T GET THAT KIDS DO NOT DO WHAT ADULTS DO? NO.
OF COURSE NOT.
I'M SORRY, MOM.
YEAH, I'M SORRY, TOO.
I'M SORRY THAT I CAN'T TRUST YOU ANYMORE.
YES, YOU CAN.
YEAH.
WELL, WE'LL FIND OUT, I GUESS, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA BE WATCHIN' YOU LIKE A HAWK.
AND MAYBE SOMEDAY, A LONG, LONG TIME FROM NOW, THINGS WILL BE THE WAY THEY WERE BEFORE 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY THEY SHOULD BE.
YOUR FATHER, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAS DECIDED TO PUT A LOCK ON THE LIQUOR CABINET, A FINE TRADITION HANDED DOWN IN HIS FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS.
[BUZZING.]
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF THE ROADS WERE CLOSED AND WE COULDN'T GET THROUGH? I'LL GO GET SOME ROAD SNACKS.
OK, BECKY, I LEFT GRANDMA'S NUMBER ON THE CORK BOARD AND IF DARLENE AIN'T HOME BY 4:30, I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A CALL.
COLLECT.
GOOD-BYE, MOTHER.
TRAIN LEAVING FOR OAK RIDGE MALL, BUDGET CLUB, AND MOLINE, ILLINOIS, BOARDING ON TRACK ONE.
HAVE YOUR TICKETS READY.
I HAVE TO MAKE! I'M GONNA GO WARM UP THE CAR.
SO, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA WORK ON YOUR HISTORY, HUH? SOCIAL STUDIES.
OH, WHATEVER.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOUR GRANDMA'S SURE GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU AND DARLENE AREN'T GONNA COME.
I CAN'T HELP IT, MOM.
THE PAPER'S DUE NEXT WEEK.
HOW COME YOU'RE NOT BRINGING THE GIRLS? WELL, YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE EXPOSING THEM TO MOM TOO OFTEN.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE RADIATION.
LET'S GO! WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'? TO GET THE COFFEE! I'M GONNA GO MAKE A PIT STOP.
SO, YOU GUYS TRY NOT TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN, HUH? AND DON'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT CALLING GRANDMA, DON'T LEAVE THE LIGHTS ON IN EVERY ROOM, TURN THE HEAT DOWN IF YOU DO LEAVE, AND THE CHOCOLATE PUDDING IN THE LITTLE CANS IS OFF-LIMITS 'CAUSE THEY'RE FOR D.
J.
's LUNCH.
THAT ABOUT COVER IT? Both: AND CALL ME IF DARLENE'S LATE.
FINAL CALL FOR BUDGET CLUB, MOLINE, ILLINOIS! BOARD! WHY ARE WE GOING TO GRANDMA'S? UH, TO CHECK OUT THE SLIDES FROM THEIR VACATION TO FLORIDA.
ISN'T DARLENE GOING? DARLENE'S GOT A BIG BASKETBALL GAME.
WHAT ABOUT BECKY? NO.
SHE GOTTA DO HER HISTORY.
WELL, THEN I AIN'T GOIN', NEITHER.
NO WAY.
OH, YES, YOU ARE.
D.
J.
, WE GET TO SPEND THE WHOLE EVENING WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA.
AND DADDY NEEDS SOMEBODY TO TALK TO.
EVERYBODY READY? HAVE FUN.
BYE.
NOW, YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE.
SO FAR, YOU'RE STILL HERE.
SEE YOU LATER.
[CAR DRIVES AWAY.]
YES! THEY'RE GONE! SO WHERE DO YOU WANNA WORK, THE KITCHEN OR THE LIVING ROOM? HOW ABOUT THE MALL? WELL, IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE IN THE LIVING ROOM, BUT THE LIGHT'S BETTER IN THE KITCHEN.
CAN WE HEAR THE STEREO? OH, DEFINITELY.
GOOD, 'CAUSE I CAN'T STUDY WITHOUT MUSIC.
MY BRAIN STOPS.
I KNOW.
IT'S REALLY HARD TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING AT A TIME.
DON'T THINK I'M STUPID OR ANYTHING BUT, LIKE, WHAT IS THIS PROJECT ABOUT? IT'S ABOUT US, WOMEN IN THE NINETIES.
WOMEN OF THE NINETIES OR WOMEN IN THE NINETIES? I THINK IT'S WOMEN IN THE NINETIES.
'CAUSE IT'S KIND OF A FUTURE THING.
BUT WOULDN'T WOMEN IN THE NINETIES MEAN, LIKE, OLD WOMEN? NO, THAT WOULD BE WOMEN IN THEIR NINETIES.
OK, SO THEN WE'RE GETTING INTO A GRAMMAR THING.
SO LET'S FORGET IT.
OK, HERE'S SOMETHING WE CAN USE.
A WOMAN IN A HARD HAT DOING CONSTRUCTION.
I LIKE THOSE JEANS SHE'S WEARING.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE THOSE AT RODBELL'S.
I WOULDN'T MIND BEING A MODEL.
YOU STAND AROUND ALL DAY LOOKING PERFECT, AND YOU GET PAID A FORTUNE.
YEAH, BUT YOU CAN'T EAT ANYTHING, 'CAUSE YOU GET FAT.
AND YOU CAN'T STAY OUT LATE, 'CAUSE YOU GET BAGS UNDER YOUR EYES.
REALLY.
IF I WERE A MODEL, I GUESS I'D HAVE TO BECOME LESS OF A PARTY ANIMAL.
OH, RIGHT.
LIKE YOU'RE A REAL PARTY ANIMAL.
HEY, I'VE HAD BEER.
WHEN? WRIGLEY FIELD.
THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
YOU WERE WITH YOUR DAD.
OK BILLY SPERRY.
GET OUT OF HERE.
I HAD BEER WITH HIM ONCE.
HOW MUCH? MORE THAN YOU.
YEAH, BUT I BET YOU'VE NEVER HAD A TORNADO.
NO, BUT I'VE HEARD OF THEM.
THEY'RE AWESOME.
YOU EVER HAD ONE? NO, BUT I THINK I KNOW HOW TO MAKE ONE.
WANNA TRY ONE? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S IN IT? EVERYTHING, AND JUICE.
OH, NO.
I THINK WE'RE OUT OF JUICE.
WELL, CAN'T YOU USE SODA? YOU'RE A GENIUS.
OK, IT'S 1:00 NOW.
HOW LONG DO WE WANNA WORK, CONSIDERING THIS ISN'T DUE FOR 2 WEEKS? YEAH.
WE STILL HAVE NEXT WEEKEND.
HOW 'BOUT WE WORK TILL 3:00, THEN GET TO THE MALL WHERE WE BELONG? IT'S A PLAN.
A-ARE YOU GONNA HAVE ANY? YEAH.
MINE'S RIGHT HERE.
GO AHEAD.
WELL, YOU GO FIRST.
BUT YOU'RE MY GUEST.
OK.
WE'LL DRINK AT THE SAME TIME.
READY? AIM FIRE.
[COUGHS.]
Dana: YOU KNOW, I LOOK BACK AT JUNIOR HIGH NOW, AND I JUST LAUGH.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I KNOW.
IT'S SCARY.
CHECK THIS OUT.
THIS IS WHAT MY PARENTS CALL "TRIPPY.
" [MUSIC PLAYING.]
OK, SO GET BACK TO JIMMY.
OH, DON'T REMIND ME.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT HIM.
DOWN THE TOILET! BECKY HMM? ARE YOU AWARE THIS ROOM IS MOVING? [LAUGHING.]
YOU'RE PLOWED! THESE ARE GREAT! TOLD YOU.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT'S THE MATTER? THE ROOM IS MOVING.
YEAH.
AIN'T IT GREAT? THIS MUSIC IS SCARING ME.
[GIGGLING.]
WHOA-HO-HO! MY PARENTS DIG ALL THOSE SOUNDS FROM BEFORE MUSIC WAS INVENTED.
MINE, TOO.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ALBERT HERBERT? HE'S FROM TIJUANA.
SHE OPENS THE DOOR, SHE CLOSES THE DOOR.
SHE TURNS, SHE DRIBBLES, SHE CUTS THROUGH THE KEY.
SHE SPINS.
IT'S UP! SHE STEALS HER SISTER'S SODA.
HEY! OHH! THIS STUFF TASTES LIKE SOCK SWEAT.
WE'RE STUDYING.
HOW COME THE LIQUOR CABINET IS OPEN? I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THE WINE HAD TO BREATHE.
[LAUGHS.]
YOU GUYS ARE DRUNK.
MM-MMM.
WE'RE JUST HAPPY.
THIS IS MY SISTER LARDENE LARLENE DARDENE.
[LAUGHS.]
WHAT?! WHERE'S THE BATHROOM? OH WE DON'T HAVE A BATHROOM.
WE USE A WOK.
[LAUGHING.]
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SLEPT THE WHOLE WAY.
I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.
MOM JUST SUCKS THE LIFEBLOOD RIGHT OUT OF ME.
THE NEXT TIME I GO BACK THERE IS WHEN THEY COME HERE.
AND WHAT WAS THAT SMELL IN THEIR HOUSE? GUILT.
THANK GOD WE'RE BACK.
AND ALL OF 'EM TAKEN FROM THE CAR.
AND NOT ONE SLIDE IN FOCUS.
AND WHO ARE ALL THOSE PEOPLE? IT'S LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO CREATE THE ILLUSION THAT THEY HAVE FRIENDS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S STILL BUYING ME CLOTHES.
WELL, I GUESS IT PAYS TO BE IN THE CIRCUS WHEN THE CLOWN DIES.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED THOSE REAL BIG SHOES.
HOW ARE THE GIRLS? SILENT.
BOY, YOU CAN HEAR IT ACROSS THE WHOLE STATE.
HEY.
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU, HONEY, FOR NOT HITTING MY MOM.
YEAH, AND I HAD SUCH A CLEAN SHOT, TOO.
I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON THE GIRLS.
HOW COME YOU'RE STILL UP? UH, I HEARD DAD COME UP WITH D.
J.
IS BECKY UP, TOO? NO.
SHE'S PRETTY MUCH OUT.
WE HUMILIATED ST.
MARY'S 38-26, AND I GOT FOULED 3 TIMES BY THIS DIPPY BLOND KID FROM WAYLAND.
YEAH? DID YOU MAKE YOUR SHOTS? UH, THE FIRST TWO.
THEN HE ASKED ME FOR MY PHONE NUMBER, AND I BLEW THE LAST ONE.
PSYCHED YOU OUT, HUH? I GUESS.
WELL, YOU GO ON TO BED NOW.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
[WHISTLING PATHE NEWSREEL THEME.]
ONE GOOD FROLIC IN 3 WEEKS AND YOU'RE ACTIN' LIKE BEN HUR.
YEAH, WELL, I REALLY GOT THAT OLD CHARIOT ROCKIN'.
[IMITATES WHIP CRACKING.]
YOU MAKIN' PANCAKES? WHO WANTS TO KNOW? I'LL HAVE THE GLADIATOR'S HELPING! WHAT'S WITH THAT SMIRK? WHAT SMIRK? YOU KNOW THE ONE.
OH, YEAH.
[IMITATES WHIP CRACKING.]
[IMITATES HORSE SNORTING.]
WE HAVE VERY STRANGE PARENTS, D.
J.
PULL MY FINGER.
PULL YOUR OWN FINGER.
HEY, WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA OF BLOWIN' A FOUL SHOT JUST 'CAUSE SOME KID WANTS YOUR PHONE NUMBER? YOU HAVE SUCH A BIG MOUTH.
NO, I DON'T.
BECKY! YOUR GRANDFATHER REALLY MISSED YOU YESTERDAY.
HE SAID HE HAD A NEW JOKE FOR YOU.
YEAH, LET ME GUESS.
TEACHER SAYS TO JIMMY, "I SEE YOU HAVE A COLD.
" JIMMY SAYS TO THE TEACHER, "CAN YOU SEE IT NOW?" [YUKKING.]
[AS GRANDFATHER.]
PULL MY FINGER! THAT'D BE THE ONE.
HEY.
WHAT IS THE BIG IDEA OF PLAYIN' MY RECORDS AND LEAVIN' 'EM LIKE THIS? I'M TALKIN' TO YA.
I KNOW.
I APOLOGIZE.
CAN I BE EXCUSED? NO! WE'RE NOT EVEN DONE EATIN' YET.
WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR SISTER? YOU WANT ME TO GET HER? YEAH.
THAT'D BE SWELL.
BOY, SHE'S BEING AWFULLY OBEDIENT.
I NOTICED.
DON'T JUMP! YOU OK? [QUIETLY.]
I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE.
WE'RE HAVING BREAKFAST.
DON'T EVEN MENTION FOOD.
WHAT'D YOU GUYS DRINK YESTERDAY ANYWAY? WHO KNOWS? LISTEN, I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT? WELL, MOM WANTS YOU DOWN FOR BREAKFAST.
IF I EVEN LOOK AT FOOD, I'M GONNA BARF.
WELL, WHAT SHOULD I TELL MOM? JUST TELL HER I'M SLEEPING.
TELL HER I DON'T FEEL WELL.
SO YOU BECOMIN' A DRUNK? DARLENE, GO DOWNSTAIRS.
YOU MEAN FOR SOME BUTTERY BUCKWHEAT PANCAKES AND SAUSAGE? DARLENE, SHUT UP! I'M SERIOUS.
YOU WERE SO WEIRD YESTERDAY.
YOU REALLY SCARED ME.
I WAS JUST GOOFING WITH YOU.
LOOK, I DON'T WANT A SISTER WHO'S A BOOZER.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH I'M GONNA HAVE TO OVERCOME YOUR NERD LEGACY.
DARLENE, YOU'RE IN SEVENTH GRADE.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
NOW, JUST GO DOWNSTAIRS AND QUIT BUGGING ME.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO THIS AGAIN, ARE YOU? LOOK, I'LL DO--OHH.
I'LL DO WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE DOING, YOU LITTLE BRAT.
NOW BEAT IT.
OK, OK.
MAYBE WHEN I COME BACK UP, I'LL BRING YOU A LITTLE BREAKFAST.
MAYBE A SAUSAGE OR 2, SO YOU CAN BITE DOWN ON THOSE LITTLE HARD CHUNKS AND MAYBE A POACHED EGG, SLIGHTLY UNDERCOOKED UGH! WITH THAT WHITE RUNNY STUFF THAT YOU CAN NEVER QUITE KEEP ON THE SPOON.
[SLURPS.]
YES! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
HI.
HI.
YOUR MOM HOME? YEAH.
HI.
I'M KAREN HUTSON.
DANA'S MOM.
OH.
YEAH.
I'M ROSEANNE CONNER.
COME ON IN.
YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE THE MESS, BUT WE LIVE HERE.
I'LL ONLY TAKE A COUPLE OF MINUTES OF YOUR TIME.
SURE.
YOU KNOW IT'S HARD ENOUGH TRYING TO KEEP AN EYE ON MY KID, BEING BY MYSELF HERE.
I KIND OF HAVE TO COUNT ON OTHER PARENTS TO HELP OUT ONCE IN A WHILE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NO, NOT REALLY.
I THINK IT'S REALLY CRAPPY THAT I LET MY KID COME OVER HERE AND YOU GUYS JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE IN THE HOUSE THE WHOLE DAMN DAY WITH AN OPEN LIQUOR CABINET.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? MY KID CAME HOME COMPLETELY BOMBED YESTERDAY, AND SHE WAS THROWING UP HALF THE NIGHT.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT MY KID GOT YOUR KID DRUNK? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING.
BECKY! GO FIND YOUR DAD.
WHERE IS HE? I DON'T-- JUST GO FIND HIM.
BECKY, WOULD YOU PLEASE GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE?! WELL, I'M SORRY THAT YOUR KID CAME HOME DRUNK, BUT, I MEAN, IF YOU KNEW BECKY AT ALL, YOU'D KNOW SHE'S-- DOESN'T DO STUFF LIKE THAT.
DID YOU AND DANA GET CROCKED YESTERDAY? CROCKED? YOU MEAN ON LIQUOR? DANA SAYS YOU WERE MAKING TORNADOES.
WE WERE WORKING ON SOCIAL STUDIES.
WELL, MAYBE YOU AND DANA SHOULDN'T WORK TOGETHER ANYMORE.
I MEAN, SHE'S BEEN THROWING UP ALL NIGHT, AND YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN REINCARNATED AS A RAG.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON? WELL, I GUESS WE MISSED SOME BIG PARTY RIGHT HERE IN OUR LIVING ROOM YESTERDAY.
WHAT THE HELL WENT ON HERE? DID YOU GET IN THE LIQUOR WHEN YOU WERE PLAYING THE RECORDS? I WAS PLAYING THE RECORDS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
DARLENE, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE PLAYING THE RECORDS.
WELL, YEAH.
I MEAN I GOT 'EM OUT, BUT BECKY WAS ACTUALLY PLAYING THEM.
WHO WAS THE BARTENDER? WASN'T IT THAT GIRL WHO WAS OVER HERE STUDYING WITH YOU? WELL, LOOK, I'M SORRY I WASN'T HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON WHATEVER THE HELL WENT ON HERE YESTERDAY.
I'M SORRY, TOO.
I'VE GOT A 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL AT HOME WITH A HANGOVER.
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND TAKE CARE OF HER.
MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD SHELL OUT A FEW BUCKS AND GET A LOCK ON THAT LIQUOR CABINET.
THANKS, BUT I THINK WE KNOW HOW TO RUN OUR OWN HOUSEHOLD.
YEAH, WELL, DON'T EXPECT TO BE SEEING MY KID AROUND HERE ANYMORE.
BECKY, GET UPSTAIRS TILL WE CALL YOU BACK DOWN.
NO, I WANNA TALK.
YOU SIT THERE.
BECKY, GET UPSTAIRS.
I THINK WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THIS FIRST.
THERE'S NOTHING I'M GONNA SAY TO YOU THAT I CAN'T SAY TO HER, AND I'M NOT FEELIN' REAL SHY RIGHT NOW.
BECKY, GET BACK IN HERE AND SIT DOWN.
WHAT THE HELL IS WITH YOU, BECKY? WHAT, DO YOU LOOK PEOPLE IN THE FACE AND THEN LIE TO 'EM? YOU'VE REALLY PUSHED IT TOO FAR THIS TIME, KIDDO.
THE FIRST TIME WE LEAVE YOU ALONE IN THIS HOUSE AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO? I'M GONNA GO UPSTAIRS AND FLUSH THE WOK.
ALL RIGHT, BECKY.
WHAT HAPPENED HERE? AND TRY TELLING THE TRUTH THIS TIME.
LOOK, IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.
WE HAD A COUPLE OF TORNADOES.
OH, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
HOW COME YOU LIED? WHO MADE THEM? I MADE THEM.
I WANNA KNOW RIGHT NOW, IS THIS A NEW THING OR A REGULAR THING? I'VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE.
IS THAT THE TRUTH? YES! WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?! YOU GUYS DRINK ALL THE TIME! FIRST OF ALL, WE DON'T DRINK ALL THE TIME.
SECOND OF ALL, WE'RE NOT TALKIN' ABOUT US! LOOK, I HAVE ONE DRINK AND YOU'RE ACTING LIKE I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.
OH, QUICK, CALL THE 800 NUMBER.
WE ARE YOUR AND IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM, YOU BETTER TELL US ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.
WE WERE BORED.
WE WERE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO DO.
YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DO? FIND ME! I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO DO! I GUESS I JUST WASN'T THINKING.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, BECKY, YOU'RE 14 YEARS OLD! MOM, EVERYTHING I DO, EVERYTHING I FEEL, IT'S ALWAYS, "WELL, SHE'S 14.
" I MEAN, WHEN YOU GUYS DO SOMETHING, PEOPLE DON'T GO, "OH, WELL, SHE'S 37.
" WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW, BECKY, YOU'RE GONNA FIND THAT WHEN GROWNUPS DRINK, THEY MOSTLY DRINK FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
SO WHAT ARE THE RIGHT REASONS? HONEY? YOU'RE GROUNDED.
SIP THAT TEA AND TRY TO EAT SOME OF THIS TOAST, AND YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.
SO, BECKY, YOU STILL BOMBED? NO.
SHE'S NOT BOMBED.
SHE JUST WISHES SHE WAS DEAD.
COULD EVERYONE BE JUST A LITTLE BIT QUIETER? YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HORRIBLE I FEEL.
OH, YES, I DO.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SO MUCH BOTHERED BY THE FACT THAT YOU TOOK A DRINK.
I MEAN, YOU TRIED IT.
YOU GOT SICK, YOU GOT CAUGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE.
WHAT REALLY BUGS THE HELL OUT OF ME IS THAT I JUST CAN'T TRUST YOU ANYMORE, AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT I COULD.
YOU BLEW IT BIG-TIME.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? THAT I HAVE TO BE CHAPERONED THE REST OF MY LIFE? WELL, YOU TELL ME.
CAN I NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE IN THE HOUSE ANYMORE? WELL, I COULD WATCH HER.
SO, DO I HAVE TO THROW OUT EVERY BIT OF LIQUOR 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T GET THAT KIDS DO NOT DO WHAT ADULTS DO? NO.
OF COURSE NOT.
I'M SORRY, MOM.
YEAH, I'M SORRY, TOO.
I'M SORRY THAT I CAN'T TRUST YOU ANYMORE.
YES, YOU CAN.
YEAH.
WELL, WE'LL FIND OUT, I GUESS, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA BE WATCHIN' YOU LIKE A HAWK.
AND MAYBE SOMEDAY, A LONG, LONG TIME FROM NOW, THINGS WILL BE THE WAY THEY WERE BEFORE 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY THEY SHOULD BE.
YOUR FATHER, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAS DECIDED TO PUT A LOCK ON THE LIQUOR CABINET, A FINE TRADITION HANDED DOWN IN HIS FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS.
[BUZZING.]
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL