Rules of Engagement s02e14 Episode Script

I'm telling you, Greta.
Your husband should not let you out of the house with legs like that.
Whoa.
Your assistant's hot.
She's 63, dude.
Hah.
Think my German nanny really screwed me up.
So, what's with all this stuff in your office? Oh, it's that stupid time of year when my stupid coworkers' stupid kids sell crap to support their stupid activities.
And stupid people buy it all.
I can't say no.
People around here are still giving me the stink eye 'cause I didn't chip in for Marlene's get-well gift.
Like flowers were gonna uncollapse her lung.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
People are always asking me to donate money to cure some disease I'm never even gonna get.
What about diseases they get from you? I'm not on trial here.
Let's go to lunch.
Or- Or we can stay here and feast on saltwater taffy and assorted popcorn.
The cheddar quadrant's pretty solid.
Oh, Bingham, you're here.
Let me go grab the raffle tickets for my son's band trip.
Oh, that's great.
Maybe when you come back, you can buy some assorted popcorn from my son, Jeff Jr.
, over here.
Ah, that'd be swell, mister.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * So every parent in your office is pushing their kids' stuff? Yeah, they're relentless.
Feel like a tourist in the streets of Calcutta.
You did a good thing supporting those kids.
Stop complaining.
I'll stop complaining when they start selling Scotch.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hi, honey.
Oh, hey.
Guess what? The old lady in apartment 9A just died.
Great news.
Alone.
No surviving relatives.
But, see, when I laugh at the bike messenger flipping over his handlebars, I'm the jerk.
It's great news because now the apartment's for sale.
You guys should buy it.
Well, they've got that lady out of there, right? We've always planned on buying, but after the wedding.
Apartments in our building do not come up for sale often, and this one is a really good deal.
Well, it would be nice not to have to ask every time I want to paint a wall, or put a stripper pole in the bedroom.
Real estate's a sound investment.
Yeah, and we are just throwing money away on rent.
But isn't it tough to get approval from the co-op board? You see, that's the beauty of this.
Jeff and I have lived there for 10 years.
If we recommend you, it's done.
Wow, thanks.
That'd be great.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We'll be living in the same building forever.
Our kids will grow up together.
Our daughter is not allowed on the stripper pole.
I think we should go for it.
Okay, let's give it a shot.
Yes.
An apartment.
I could kiss that dead old lady right on the mouth.
Ooh-la-la.
Did you guys see that hot new waitress? Smoking hot.
Oh, yeah.
She's amazing.
Which one? Look at her.
I'd like to give her a big tip.
And then the rest of it.
You know that's a bad idea.
Yeah, listen, I know better than to hook up with someone I see on a regular basis.
Made that mistake with my stepsister.
Is that you, Russell? Well, yeah.
Is that you, you? Kerry.
Heh, remember? Yeah, Kerry.
From the We had sex.
Yes.
Kerry from sex.
And you promised me a recording contract.
Oh, my God.
Did I not drop that in the mail? I'm a space cadet.
Yeah, I never got that.
Yeah, it's just that whole music-biz mix-up, with the Tupac and the rapping and all that, you know? It's all a Suge thing.
It usually funnels through him.
Oh, well.
Yeah, uh, no problem.
So do you want to order? Oh, yeah.
I've been jonesing for that meatloaf sandwich.
All right.
One meatloaf sandwich.
Oh, and just so you know, I'm gonna hock a loogie in it.
You know what? I'd love it without the loogie.
Sorry.
No substitutions.
Hi.
I'm selling gift items to raise money for our new school playground.
Sorry, kid, but they already squeezed me dry at the office, so, good luck.
There's lots of good stuff here.
Have you seen the Sweets-and-Treats section? Seen it? I own it.
You can't say no.
Let me tell you about supply and demand.
You are supplying.
I am demanding that you leave me alone.
You have to buy at least one thing.
I'll buy one thing from you if you buy one from me.
How about some running shoes? Worn only once, mostly sitting on a park bench eating a pretzel.
You're not raising money for anything.
Yeah.
I am.
To buy a boat take me to an island where there are no kids trying to sell me crap.
I'm not leaving.
All right, you win.
Oh, yeah.
Let me drop this stuff off in my apartment.
What's with the music? Check this out.
Whoo! Awesome.
Right? Did you just buy that? Uh-huh.
Oh, it's gonna get you.
Whoa.
Hey.
It's not so much fun without the music.
We just agreed to try to buy the apartment, and now you run out and waste money on a toy meant for a 7 year old? Shows what you know.
"Ages 8 and up.
" Hm? Adam, if we're really gonna try to do this, you've got to be more responsible with money.
Hey, honey, I am responsible as hell.
Last week you bought $200 worth of illegal fireworks.
For Cinco de Mayo.
And you blew them off in our kitchen.
Yes.
In the "sink-o.
" I'm just saying, buying this apartment will change how much you can spend.
You can't eat out every night, and you're gonna have to use the subway.
I will happily take the subway when they get rid of the mole people.
Be serious, all right? You can be late with the rent.
You can't be late with a mortgage.
You know, you're gonna have to budget.
Well, you will too.
I watch my spending.
Every day I risk my life with the mole people.
Fine, I can live on a budget.
I don't have to buy fireworks or a little helicopter or a new lamp.
A new lamp? The helicopter has a mind of its own.
Ooh.
Look at you with the mood lighting.
I like it.
It's very romantic.
Why invest in electricity when I'm already highly leveraged in scented gift candles? Hm.
Hm, well, they're working.
It smells nice in here.
Trust me, it shouldn't.
So much for romantic.
All right.
Let's write that letter of recommendation for Adam and Jen.
Why do you always get us involved in stuff like that? Because I like to help people.
You knew that when you married me.
Yeah, but I was hoping life would beat it out of you.
Well, it hasn't.
Now, come on.
What are we gonna say? You write it, I'll sign it.
That's our system.
Oh, come on.
This is important.
Why? What's in it for us? Knowing that we helped our good friends take a big step in their life and their relationship.
What else you got? All right.
Now, we need to say something nice about Adam and Jen that will impress the co-op board.
All right.
Adam's a good hang.
And Jen can eat a lot for a girl.
At my funeral, you are to be mournful and silent.
So why are you eating here? Isn't it kind of risky? I'm not gonna let some girl scare me off.
At least till 5, when she starts her shift.
That's it? Soup is very filling.
Oh, could I have, like, All right.
What's going on? It's obvious.
He's trying to fit into his prom dress.
Well, now that we may buy the apartment, I want to try to be more responsible with my finances, because, get this Jen thinks I can't budget my money.
I'm sorry.
I started laughing after "Jen thinks.
" Anyway, I want to show her that I can do this, so I got a $60 budget, and I'm gonna use this notebook to account for every cent.
Cup of soup, $1.
75.
Lost pen, $2.
Whoa.
Kerry's here early.
Let's scram.
Guys.
Did you hear me? Let's hit the bricks.
Why is there no skedaddling? We're staying.
Yeah, I just got my soup.
Seriously.
You're gonna pick the diner over me? It's kind of a no-brainer.
Yeah.
Fine.
You've made your choice.
But just- Russell? Why couldn't we send the recommendation in the mail? Because the fact that we're delivering it in person shows how much we care.
The fact that I paused Deadliest Catch to come down here should show how much I care.
I don't get what you like about that show.
It's men doing men's work.
And there's suspense.
Will they catch crabs? Will they not catch crabs? Hm.
Sounds like Russell's dating life.
All right.
We're just gonna hand her the letter and then say a few nice things about Adam and Jen.
Hi.
Mrs.
Westlin? Yes? Hm.
Audrey and Jeff Bingham.
Oh.
Yes, of course.
Our dear friends, Adam and Jennifer in 9A, are considering buying that open apartment.
And we wanted to give you this recommendation.
Certainly.
And we're doing it in person 'cause we really care.
Yeah.
Loads.
Well, thank you.
We'll certainly take this seriously.
Mom.
That's the guy who was mean to me.
It is? Yeah.
He tried to make me buy his shoes.
Worn only once.
Excuse me.
Is Kerry here today? No, she's not.
Ha-ha.
Great.
Um, I'd like a meatloaf sandwich.
Oh, excellent.
One meatloaf sandwich with a loogie.
She got to you too.
Uh excuse me, sir.
You're the owner, right? Yes.
What do you need? My name's Russell Dunbar.
I'm a long-time customer, first-time complainer.
I'm gonna need you to fire two waitresses for me: uh, Kerry, and- Ah, might as well get rid of the whole bunch of 'em.
And I'd like a meatloaf sandwich.
No.
Not for a snake like you.
Goes all the way to the top.
Kerry tell me you promise to send her demo to Quincy Jones.
You no send demo.
I was going to.
And what you ask her to do on first date? Unspeakable.
It was just a suggestion.
Hi.
Is Mrs.
Westlin in? It's all right, Delia.
I've got it.
Hi.
I baked this cake for you and your son.
It's just my way of apologizing for my husband's behavior.
Oh.
A cake.
Uh Here.
Here.
And- And I really hope you won't punish Adam and Jennifer for being friends with Jeff.
They're young.
They don't know any better.
I appreciate the gesture.
And I was very young when I married him, also.
Let's consider it water under the bridge.
Thank you.
Uh, enjoy the cake.
It's my grandmother's top-secret recipe.
Oh, which I can totally give you if you want, 'cause she's dead.
No.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, my keys.
Oh my God.
Mm.
Pretty good food, huh? I don't know.
I miss the diner.
Hey, but you gotta admit, I mean, this is a bargain.
Two baskets of wings, two beers, all for 4 bucks.
Thank you for keeping me on budget Wild Wednesdays.
Twenty-one dollars? Uh, excuse me.
Uh, this should be $4.
It's Wild Wednesday.
Today's Tuesday.
How did we not know that? I did know that.
But your reaction was just the pick-me-up I needed.
Oh.
This is great.
Five dollars for the rest of the week.
Uh, you're gonna need to lend me some money.
I'll lend you a calendar.
Oh, come on, man.
I can't.
I'm a little light this week.
I'm sorry, did you lose this? Oh, uh- I- I- Yeah, you got some nerve, pretending to accept my apology.
You know what? My husband is a much better person than you.
At least he's honest.
You- You- You aren't worthy of my grammy's chocolate orgasm cake.
Is there flour in that cake? What? Yes, of course.
Well, my son is allergic to gluten.
If he eats that, he could die.
Well, then he'd go with a big smile on his face, 'cause this cake is delicious.
I'm just gonna get my keys and go.
How's budgeting going? It's great.
Still got plenty of money.
Good.
Because if we tighten our belts, I really think we could afford this place.
Oh, don't worry about this guy.
He can tighten his belt any day of the week.
What day of the week is it again? Oh, my God.
Exclusive birthday photos of baby Shiloh.
Ah.
I left my wallet at home.
Oh, don't worry.
Adam will buy it for you.
You know what? If Adam can tighten his belt, I can tighten mine.
Forget the magazine.
Yeah.
Forget the mag- Are you kidding me? Come on, be a man.
Step up for your lady.
Okay.
Can't you just, like, look at-? Oh, keep the change.
Uh, no.
Um, I- Thanks, baby.
Mwah.
See you later.
Heh.
Bye.
What was that? A lot more fun than expected.
Yeah, I have, like, 6 cents left.
Don't worry, Daddy No-Bucks.
I got a paying gig for you.
I called the diner and ordered a meatloaf sandwich.
It's paid for under an assumed name.
So all you got to do is go get it, and I'll give you 2 bucks.
Two bucks? Ah, you're right.
No, okay, I'll do it.
What's the name? Ty Neeweiner.
Come on, if I'm paying.
I want to get my money's worth.
Now go.
Scoot.
I, uh- Takeout for Ty Neeweiner.
You're priceless.
Ah.
Yeah.
Bring me my sandwich, you $2 whore.
Don't touch it.
No.
No.
No.
You suck, Neeweiner! Thanks for making up for my social faux pas.
I would've, uh, never thought to show up at that woman's door with a plateful of poison.
Adam and Jennifer are not benefiting from knowing us.
Few people have.
Hey, guys.
Just wanted to tell you that Adam and I are going to the bank tomorrow to talk about a loan.
I am so psyched about our chances.
You know, maybe now's not a good time to buy.
You guys are young.
You should be burning through your money like a coked-up rock star.
Yeah, you should listen to him.
He's a financial adviser.
But we know it's not gonna be easy.
But it's worth it just to own an apartment in the same building as you guys.
And we'll take three tins of assorted popcorn.
I think you'll take six.
Woman, I just bought a Hannah Montana lunch box.
And now it's eight.
Good one, Mom.
Eight it is.
And I'll take those shoes you tried to sell me.
But I only wore those once.
And that's all you're ever gonna wear 'em.
Hey, you want to see a movie? Yeah, sure.
My treat.
Why? All right, let's go.
Ow! What are you doing in my purse? Stabbing myself with your tweezers.
And what are they doing in there? I mean, wh-? What are you tweezing outside the home? What were you looking for? I was looking for money because I spent all of mine, and I lost my receipt book.
And Tuesday is not Wednesday.
You told me you were doing well with your budget.
Lies.
They're all lies.
Look, honey, I'm not good at saving money, and I don't want to be responsible right now.
I want to be late with the rent and I want to blow things up.
You know what? We don't have to be responsible.
Why? Are you secretly rich? No.
You know, I've been thinking about it, and- And I'm fine with the way our life is.
We can take cabs and go out to eat, and blow through our money like coked-up rock stars.
You're not just saying this because I blew through my seven-day budget in 36 hours? No.
It's actually than I thought you'd last.
And for the record, I'm not perfect myself.
You know all those entries in my checkbook that say Dr.
Janette? Mm-hm.
It's Janet, my manicurist.
I thought you were dying.
This has gone too far.
Kerry, get out here.
Hey, hey.
Take it easy.
Shouldn't you be in a balcony insulting Muppets? Yeah.
You know, I've only had two loves in my life: this place and a wet nurse from Berlin.
I lost Fraulein Schneider, but I'm not gonna lose the diner.
What's it gonna take to make this right? Okay, I foot the bill for all this, then we're good? Yes.
Loogie-free for life? Absolutely.
From the top.
* On the first date * * He asked me to do * * Something * * Unspeakable * * The tiny liar * * Wanted me to do * * Something * * Unspeakable * * The miniature dirtbag * * Wanted me to do- * It was just a suggestion.
So we talked it over and we decided not to buy the apartment after all.
You did, did you? It's just too hard financially, especially since we're already saving for the wedding.
Yeah, so we're gonna have an awesome fireworks show.
But to thank you for writing that letter, we brought you a little something.
Huh? Four different kinds of popcorn.
Get out.