The King of Queens s02e14 Episode Script

Hey, gang, how you doing? How you guys doing? Hi.
Oh, all right, you want a little bump of the horn there? There you go.
Yeah, I got you, I'm fat.
Big guy.
I like to eat the food.
Yeah.
All right, you know what? Turn around now.
That's not nice, right there.
That's not nice.
I suck? I suck? You, you suck! That's right.
Yeah! Oh, yeah, you heard me! Yeah.
Oh, you want a piece of me?! Oh, yeah.
Bye-bye.
Yeah, yeah, thought so.
Thought so.
I had a dream like this once.
Only, you were naked and the bread was Shania Twain.
So, what time are the St.
Gregory Cuspidors getting here? Commodores, and they're getting here at 5.
One piece of cheese and one piece of pastrami? What are you, insane? - It'll be fine.
- It won't be fine.
Put more meat on.
Doug, I am doing this.
Now, stop following me around the sandwich.
This is not a tea party.
These are fat, out-of-shape ex-football players.
They need meat! I know.
- I may not have bought enough.
- Oh, God.
Well, honey, it is hard to estimate six feet of cold cuts.
It'll be fine.
I have lettuce and tomato to bulk it up.
If that doesn't work, I'll spoon on some Bac-Os.
That'll give it the illusion of meat.
Excuse me, back away from the sandwich.
I work alone.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little excited.
I haven't seen most of these guys in like 15 years.
I understand.
Not since we were the 1985 All-City Champions.
I know, you tell me about it every time you have more than one beer.
You wanna see your husband all buff and beautiful? Yeah.
Come here, come here.
Look, look.
Oh, I likes what I'm seeing.
Yeah.
I was hitting the weights pretty hard back then.
No, I mean this guy.
Who's he? Oh, that's Derrick Broadnax.
Great running back.
- Is he coming tonight? - Yes.
Here's the play that won us the championship, right here.
- Where are you? - I would be, like, right over here.
It was my block that cleared the field for Broadnax.
- He's coming, right? - Would you stop? I'm kidding.
There's a reporter coming from the alumni magazine too.
He's doing a whole story on the big game.
A game that I won with an incredible block.
Did I mention that? Yeah, I think I'm up to speed on that.
- Buster, he's in a wheelchair now.
- Who is? Tom Busterman, our right tackle.
He had a cliff-diving accident a few years back.
Listen, when he gets here, don't stare or anything.
No? Because I was gonna go for one of these: So thanks.
Thanks for the heads up there.
Well, I'm here.
- Oh, man.
He is coming too? - Thank you.
No, no, no, sweetie.
I don't think I bought enough food, so don't eat.
Don't worry, I'm only staying long enough to tell them all that they're bastards.
Perfect.
Come on, buddy, all that stuff was a long time ago.
I know I was only the equipment manager, but I deserved to be treated with some respect.
Everybody liked you, Spence.
And they showed it by taking off my pants and hanging me upside down from the goal post.
I admit, they were out of line on that one.
They? I seem to remember you being there.
But I was only there to keep things under control and non-invasive.
Well, nice job.
- Hey, Commodores! - Dougie.
- Let me get my arms around you.
- You can try if you want to.
- How's it going, Broadnax? - Good.
Kelner, Cedeno, what, are you guys out on parole? Oh, already starting in, huh? Good to see you, man.
- What's happening, Billy? - Hi.
How you doing, man? Hey, nice place you got here, man.
Yeah, 28 more years and it's all mine.
Honey, come here.
I want you to meet.
This is Billy, Michael and Derrick.
He's the one you wanted to sleep with.
Shut up, honey.
You will blow it for me.
- Hi.
Hi, you guys, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Hey, this where the chowderheads are meeting? - Coach! - Coach Prudente.
How you doing, man? Broadnax, still rock-hard, huh? Heffernan, get over here! - All right.
All right.
- How you doing? Coach, this is my wife, Carrie.
- Hello.
Nice to meet you.
- Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, one of you ladies wanna help me bring out the beer? Come on.
Hello.
- Hey, Spence.
- Hey, how you doing? I'm fine, thank you.
Listen I've had a lot of time to think over the last 15 years.
All right, is this about all that stuff we used to do to you? Because I'll tell you something, man, we acted like morons.
Man, we really acted stupid back in those days.
I guess we just didn't like ourselves too much, so we took it out on you.
Anyway, we're really, really sorry.
Thanks.
Hey, is this where the party is? - Hey, it's Busterman.
- Yeah.
Hey, Buster.
Sorry I took the back way, the front steps looked a little daunting.
- No problem.
- Yeah.
So 15 years.
Fifteen! So how you been? I've been great.
You know, I mean, other than this, you know.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I didn't even notice that you were in a So how's that working out for you? - I'm fine, man.
- Right.
Why shouldn't you be fine? I mean, you got a lot of other great I'm so sorry.
Doug, it's okay.
Yeah, sure, if I had my choice, I'd rather be walking Right.
You know, I should do more walking myself.
Again, so sorry.
Okay, so now Power Memorial has the ball, right? You guys are down 23 to 17 with less than two minutes left to play.
What's going through your minds? I'm thinking, "Damn it, my boys can still win this game!" Actually, I remember you cursing and throwing a Pepsi can at me.
The next play, I call a blitz.
Yeah, so we rush them, and I knock the crap out of their QB, and Mr.
Cedeno recovers the fumble.
Who the man, huh? Who the man? We pull a double reverse, Broadnax takes it, turns the corner, then coming at him, I see Matuka, their biggest tackle.
Oh, the guy was huge.
I figure, "If somebody doesn't bring down that Samoan, kiss the season goodbye.
" Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere-- Out of nowhere.
- somebody brings him down.
- Right down.
Yeah, who was that, again? Busterman, right? Yeah! Great block, Buster.
Nice job, Buster.
Busterman.
With Matuka down, there's nothing but sweet green grass between us and the league championship.
I tell you, when Broadnax crossed that goal line, I wanted to run out there and give him a great, big, wet kiss.
In fact, I think I did.
Hey, honey, I had to use some bologna I found way back in the refrigerator.
So if I were you, I'd stay away from that general area.
Coach just gave my block to Busterman.
What are you talking about? My big block.
For some reason, he thought it was Busterman.
And the guy from the alumni magazine, he wrote it down.
- Well, what did Busterman say? - Nothing.
He just sat there.
You know what I mean.
Well, why didn't you say something? Like what? "Oh, I'm the guy who made the big block, not the guy who will never walk again"? All right, honey, so it's over.
There's nothing you could do about it.
Just forget it.
I can't forget about it.
That block was my big moment of glory.
I don't figure on getting many more of those.
Especially considering the amount of TV I watch.
Look, honey, I know how you feel, I really do, but look at it this way: I mean, your friend's been through a lot, you know? He lost something precious, something you still have.
Maybe giving him this moment makes his life a little bit more bearable.
- But it was my block.
- All right, fine.
So tell him.
I should tell him.
Handicapped people don't wanna be treated differently.
I guess so.
So, really, to not say something is more of a slap in the face.
Look, if you need to put a positive spin on this, be my guest.
Know what? I do.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna tell him right now.
What's going on? - Using the bathroom.
It's upstairs? - Right.
Not the best time.
Hey, remember when you guys hid my clothes when I was in the shower? Right.
Then we locked you in the girls' bathroom, put the chair against the door.
I don't need to tell you, it scarred me for life.
Oh, man, kids can be cruel.
Yeah, we would never do crap like that to you today.
Oh, believe me, I would never let you.
Isn't it great, though? Seeing the whole gang together again, huh? Isn't it? Spence, whether you let us or not, we could still do it.
Well, what's the difference whether you could or not? I mean, now that we're all friends.
I don't think so.
Oh, I think so.
He's doing that French crap again.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Just getting a water glass.
Oh, yeah? You need some? Should I be help? - Should I be helping you? - No.
I got it.
- There we go.
- Whoa, nice move.
You should go on Letterman with that.
That's nothing.
You should see me take a shower.
Hey, set the date, huh? Just kidding.
Hey, what you got there, some pills? Yeah, it's Prednizone.
It's a steroidal anti-inflammatory.
Helps in blocking the pain in the part of my spine that I still have some feeling in.
I hear that.
You know, speaking of blocking, that block that sprang Broadnax, that was sweet, huh? - Yeah.
- Great block.
I remember it so well.
- Yeah, actually, I don't.
- You don't? Really? No, ever since the accident, being unconscious for 12 days, the old memory's kind of hit-and-miss.
- You know, it's a bit wobbly.
- Really? I remember stuff when I was 6 like it was yesterday.
But other stuff, like the game, it's just a big blur.
- That's weird, huh? - Yeah.
But it's kind of nice to find out, though, you know, I'm a hero.
I didn't even know it.
- You know? - Yeah.
- I made the big block.
- Yeah.
- That is nice.
- Yeah.
Here's a crazy thought that just hit me.
If a person can't remember doing a certain thing, can that person be sure he or she actually did do it, you know? - I don't quite follow you.
- It's like that thing, you know, like, if a tree falls in the woods, but doesn't remember falling, but another tree tells it that it fell, did that tree actually fall? Yeah, I don't know, Doug.
But thanks for the water.
Whoa, whoa, something's still a little wacky here, you know? I mean, making a game-winning block, I think a person would remember that.
So, what are you saying? What I'm saying is it's the last play of the game.
You got 240 pounds of angry Samoan coming at you.
You take him down, win the game, that's hard to forget.
Actually, now that you're talking about it, I think I'm actually kind of remembering making that block.
You know? It was just like: Yeah.
That's great, Doug.
Thanks, man.
Glad I could help.
Yeah, long time since we all been on a beer run together, huh? Yeah, and this time, I'm not in the trunk, huh? Hey, it's like you told us.
It's a whole new Spence, and you don't mess with him.
I'm sorry if I came down on you guys kind of hard with that French stuff, because I know, words hurt.
Hey, forget it.
Oh, man.
Oh, liquor store coming up on the right.
- Probably have beer there.
- Yeah, but we want that beer we had in high school.
Yeah, Old John's Lager.
- Oh, that stuff was brutal.
- Same going in as it was coming out.
Yeah, they probably wouldn't have it in a little liquor store like that.
Oh, right.
- Oh, how about that place? - Won't have it.
That was called Tom's Beer Warehouse.
Yup.
Guys, why are we getting on the expressway? - Doug? - What? - Where are you? - I'm in the attic.
- What are you doing up there? - I'm looking for the video of the big game that my mom took.
Here, check this box.
Are you insane? You could have killed me.
Sorry.
Check the box.
Christmas ornaments.
Nice work.
Oh, my God.
Would you stop obsessing about that stupid block? I'm not obsessing.
You know what? Either skate or get rid of these.
Doug, your friends are down there wondering where the hell you are.
Know what? If you're not gonna help, you're just another body in the attic.
Fine, I'm leaving.
"Boo-boo's big game.
" - Could this be it? - Yeah, that's it.
Great.
Okay, remind me to get a tetanus shot.
Oh, it's cool you dug this out, man.
I didn't dig it out, I just kind of stumbled on it and figured, as long as we're talking about the big game, why not see it as it actually happened, huh? Hey, where's Spence? - I don't know.
- Haven't seen him.
Here it comes, the play that sent us to the state championship.
Honey, you wanna get the lights? You might wanna watch this right here.
That one there.
Look at that boy run, like a beautiful black jaguar.
Oh, man, look at Matuka coming right at you.
And he's about to go down.
Look at that, it wasn't Buster who made the block after all, it was me.
That's kind of nutty, huh? Jeez.
What are you talking about? It was Buster.
Oh, was it? You know what? Let's double back.
That's the beauty of videotape.
Okay, here comes Broadnax, here comes Matuka, and here comes big number Fifty-seven? Yeah, 57, that's Busterman.
Fifty-seven? But I wore number 61.
It was 61, it should be 61.
Heffernan, get a grip on yourself.
No, okay? I made the block.
Busterman didn't make it.
I made the block.
Write it down.
Write it down! Okay, how about we have that sub now, huh? Who likes tuna? Show of hands.
I don't get it.
I know it was me.
I made that block.
Come on, honey, why don't you help me with that sandwich in the kitchen? Come on.
Come on.
I hope you're all wearing your hungry hats.
Wow, that was uncomfortable.
Yeah, but I don't get this.
What the hell's going on here? Well, honey, the game was a long time ago.
Yeah, so? So sometimes your memory can play tricks on you.
Like, remember when we were at the mall and I was trying to remember where I parked the car? It was like 2G, 5F? I don't know.
You don't believe I made that block, do you? I believe that you are a sweet and wonderful person who I'll love no matter what.
Oh, please.
Doug, come on, just get the plates for the sandwich.
This can still be a nice party if you stop right now.
What happened here? It's gotta be the videotape.
Someone stole it out of the attic, doctored it and put it back.
Who could it be? Busterman.
He's the only one who gains from this, right? Okay, you work on that theory.
I'm gonna be out here.
They did it again.
Took me on a beer run, sent me in and drove off laughing.
And the sad thing is I went with them, I trusted them, because I wanted to be liked.
God, I'm a pathetic, disgusting waste of life.
You saw my block, right? - What? - My block in the big game.
- You remember it, right? - When you took down Matuka, yeah.
- So then it was me.
I knew it.
- Who says it wasn't? Everybody.
The coach, the tape.
On the tape, it shows number 57, Busterman.
- Well, sure.
- Sure? What do you mean, sure? - Don't you remember what happened? - No.
Two hours before the game, those sadists locked me in the janitor's closet, naked.
They love naked.
And then when I finally got out, I was so frazzled, I gave you guys the wrong jerseys.
Don't you remember? Oh, my God, that's right.
You gotta tell them, come on.
No, I don't wanna see those people for the rest of my life.
He has been under a tremendous amount of pressure at work Hey, hey, hey, everybody, Spence has got something to say to you.
Spence? You bastards.
For four years, you people harassed and humiliated me at every opportunity.
Well, let me tell you something: just because a young man is small and hairless does not give you the right to ruin his life.
You can go to hell, all of you.
Oh, Doug made the big block.
Not that it really matters.
That's Doug Heffernan.
H-E-F-F Wanna shoot me the mustard?