Mike & Molly s02e15 Episode Script

Tomorrow night, I'm showing up at Christina's house with a dozen red roses and a box of fine Belgian chocolate.
My lady don't care for no American chocolate.
I can relate I'm the same way with taffy.
After I went to Atlantic City, I became a bit of a taffy snob.
What are you talking about? I've seen you eat plenty of crappy taffy.
Yeah, but I don't enjoy it.
Anyway, after that, I'm taking her out to dinner.
Five courses, each paired with its own special wine, hand-picked by the in-house sommelier.
That's French for "picker of the wine.
" Wow, sounds like you're really going all out.
Hey, it's our first Valentine's Day together.
Can't just drive through a Taco Bell or take her bowling.
No, I get it.
I went through the same thing last year, man.
Candy, jewelry, carriage ride.
Boy, I'm glad all that romantic crap is behind me.
You're at least gonna take her out for dinner, though, aren't you? She said she didn't want to do anything.
No woman wants to cook on Valentine's Day.
And every restaurant is booked solid.
Unless it's got a guy out front dressed as a hoagie and spinning an arrow.
She said not to make a big deal out of it.
I'm just following orders.
Mm, that's what they said at Custer's last stand, right before they got their dumb white asses tomahawked.
No, Molly's not like that.
When she wants something, she tells me, sometimes two or three times until it really sinks in.
Yeah, let me explain this to you in a way you might understand.
You know how when I go to get a milk shake, and I ask you if you want one and you say no? -Uh-huh.
-Well, if I listen to you and I don't come back with your own milk shake, you get all pouty and mad.
Well, we've been together a long time, and I don't think I should have to ask.
And that's why I always buy two milk shakes.
Otherwise, I'm gonna have to get another straw and share mine with you, and that's a race I cannot win.
Egg whites with wheat toast.
Denver omelet with hash browns.
Oh, hash browns.
And that's why Carl ordered the second plate.
Now, let me ask you, how would you feel right now if I didn't order you those hash browns? Uh-oh.
In 24 hours, you and I are gonna be screwed in two completely different ways.
♪ For the first time in my life ♪ ♪ I see love.
Okay, then how about something like this.
I'm dressed as Venus, the goddess of love, and you're suspended over me like a bare-assed little Cupid.
Look, I'll play along with this Valentine boudoir shot, but I am not dropping trou.
What are you worried about?! It's just a sexy little keepsake for the two of us.
These things always end up on the Internet, and I don't want my precious mother to accidentally Google my shvantz.
- Come on, how would that ever happen? - Easy.
That old lady's on the computer all day googling shvantzes.
Eventually, my number'll pop up.
You know what, I'm rethinking the turkey franks.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey.
Hey.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
By the way, you're not hanging your nudie pics in the house.
Oh.
Of course not.
We can still get the T-shirts and coffee mugs.
- What's up? - I just want to make sure we're still on the same page with Valentine's Day.
Now, you said to me, and I quote, "Don't make a big deal of it.
" And I meant it you went all out last year.
Plus we're saving for a wedding let's just go low-key.
- Ah, good.
I was just double-checking.
- Seriously, - no bouquets, no baubles.
- You got it.
Just a, you know, a simple dinner out.
Right.
Out of the house? Of course.
I mean, I can't have my lady cooking on Valentine's Day.
No, you cannot.
And don't go too expensive st somewhere where, you know, the spoon and the fork are two separate things.
Of course.
I mean, what was I gonna do, take you to Taco Bell and bowling? You wouldn't like that.
Would you? No, I would not.
I'd kill you.
Yeah.
Last night I'm trying to watch TV, and Grandma walks in front of me, like, half a dozen times, carrying my laundry back and forth.
And you know how slow she walks.
I missed half the game.
It's a testament to your character that you're so patient with her.
What can I do? She's an old woman.
I mean, she can't even shovel the driveway without me showing her where she missed a spot.
She's lucky to have you, Carl.
You're a good grandson.
But why wouldn't you be? You're a great cop and a wonderful friend.
What's going on with you? What do you mean? Nah, you've been shamelessly kissing my ass all morning.
- I'm just calling 'em like I see 'em.
- Uh-huh.
Then how come you never seen 'em this way in all these years I known you? Jealousy.
You're a handsome man, and it can be intimidating.
Oh, no, something smells rotten in here, and it's not just your feet and pits.
All right.
Molly wants to go out to dinner tonight, and every nice place is booked.
- See? I told you this would happen.
- I know, you were right! You're always right! You're the smartest guy I know.
Wise and generous Oh, no! No! I see where you're going with this.
You're trying to piggyback on my plans with Christina! Come on, you already got a table just scooch in and add - a couple of more chairs.
- I ain't scooching in anywhere! You better grab your bowling ball and make a run for the border! Come on, Carl! You're not horning in on my night.
Besides, it's too late to change the reservation even if I wanted to.
Not according to the maitre d'.
You called the restaurant? No, I drove over there last night and slipped him a 50 wrapped in a clergy parking pass.
You sneaky bastard! You know how I am! You should've seen this coming and made it a table for four in the first place! You got no one to blame but yourself! Get your straw out of my milk shake! Thanks for doing this, Harry.
Mike's been hinting around for one of these universal remotes for a long time.
He's gonna love this gadget.
I can program it to control the TV, DVD player, lights and ceiling fan.
Geez, if it came with a set of boobs, Mike wouldn't need me.
If it came with a set of boobs, I'd still be out in my car right now.
Hey, Mol.
Hi, Mike.
That's not Mike.
Oh.
I'm sorry, I just saw a chubby hand holding a remote.
Victoria Uh listen, I've got to get ready.
Are you gonna be okay here? Oh, absolutely.
I'm on the case.
Soon Mike will have the world of entertainment at his fingertips.
Thanks for helping me make this a special Valentine's for him.
Yeah, anything I can do to help blow wind in the sails of love.
Sweet kid.
Are you talking to me? No.
Come on, man, you're gonna make us late.
Well, all the flowers left are crap! You should've thought about this a month ago when she told you she didn't want you to do anything.
What about your flowers? Why can't you just split 'em with me? I'm not giving my girlfriend a half a dozen red roses I'll look stupid.
Hey, I'll do it, too then we'll both look stupid.
two guys splitting a dozen roses! That's not funny at all! All right, how about this? I will pay you $20 cash money for one r Oh, I see one red rose, so you come off as simple and elegant, and I'm the jackass handing my girlfriend 11 flowers! Why are you making this harder than it is? I mean, if she's a flower counter, maybe she's not the gal for you anyway.
Fine! After all the favors I've done for you, you can't help me out this one time? One time? Are you forgetting last Tuesday, when you split your pants and then asked me to color your underwear with a black Sharpie? I didn't ask you to do that.
Well, somebody must have, 'cause I sure as hell didn't volunteer for crack detail.
Man, add some baby's breath to it, pull that thing together.
I got this! That sunflower was a smart choice.
After it dies, she can snack on the seeds.
You saw what I had to work with.
But I still think you should've added a Mylar balloon to it.
Nah, that would've looked stupid.
Besides, all they had left was "Bar Mitzvah Boy" and "Lordy, Lordy, look who's forty.
" All right, we still have enough time to put on our nice clothes and head over to the restaurant.
Hey, you didn't happen to bring an extra tie, did you? What's wrong with the one you got on? I don't think a guy's supposed to wear a black tie with a brown suit.
I don't think a guy's supposed to wear a brown suit.
Officers, there's a man up on that ledge I think he's gonna jump.
Aw, perfect.
Are you happy? Apparently happier than him.
Good evening.
I'm Officer Michael Biggs.
Call me Mike.
- What's your name, pal? - What does it matter? I'm just another faceless cipher that nobody cares about.
Well, hey, I'm here, aren't I? Now, why don't you come on inside, and we'll talk about whatever's bugging you.
She broke my heart.
Tossed me aside like garbage.
Little lady trouble, huh? Been there.
How's it going out here? Everything's good.
We're talking, not jumping, right? How come there's no news vans and helicopters? This is Valentine's Day the city is filled with jilted jumpers.
You're lucky you got your own ledge.
You hear that? You're not the only fella in town with a little case of the "boo-hoos.
" Apparently, there's some guy on the Michigan Avenue Bridge dressed in a Batman suit.
- That must be getting a lot of airplay.
- Every channel.
Hey, let's face it, you can't compete with Batman on a bridge.
Now, why don't you come inside.
Yeah.
And if you still feel like jumping, do it on a slow news day.
Dress as an angry bird, or Bozo.
Oh, my God, you guys suck at this! Sorry, it's been kind of a crazy day for us.
I'm standing on a ledge! Absolutely.
You win.
Worst day of anybody.
Better call the girls and tell them we're running a little late.
Yeah.
Hey.
By the way, did you see he's got a dozen roses laying on the bed? I did.
- They're beautiful.
- Yeah, so whichever way this plays out, I don't think he's gonna be needing those flowers.
All right, well, get here as quick as you can.
I am not saying that.
Fine.
Carl, you're my dark chocolate treat.
Now, just get here.
Everything okay? Yeah, it's some emergency at work, so they're running a little late.
Carl said we should order the drinks and appetizers, so Mm, done and done.
It's a swanky joint, isn't it? Mike must've charmed somebody to get us this good table.
And to get them to turn a two-top into a four-top at the last minute.
Huh! Last minute? No.
Mike said he and Carl set this up over a month ago.
Yeah, they did.
Mike piggybacked on your romantic night, didn't he? Not at all.
We were happy to share the reservation wi you guys.
I should've known.
When I brought up dinner, he got that look he always gets when he's caught in a lie or he's trying to sneak by me with the plunger behind his back.
It's no big deal.
The four of us can enjoy a meal together.
It's not like Carl and I were planning on making out at the table, no matter what he thinks.
You're very sweet, but I-I just don't feel right about You know what, I'm just, I'm just gonna go.
What? And leave me alone here on Valentine's Day? At least have a drink before the guys get here.
Well maybe ondrink.
But when Mike does show up, we're gonna let you guys have your night and I'll tear him a new one on the way home.
Sounds like a plan.
- Champagne? - Ooh, yeah.
I yell better when I'm drunk.
It's gonna take me a few more minutes to finish, so if you need to leave for your date, I can let myself out.
And don't worry, I won't do anything weird like sift through your laundry basket or lay in youbed.
No worries.
I'm staying in tonight.
Ironic, huh? You're sexy and beautiful, and I'm awkward and dumpy, yet we're both floating in the same lonely boat.
Mm-hmm.
Did you say you were almost done? Right, right.
It is gonna be weird spending Valentine's Day by myself though.
I've actually never done it before.
Oh, it's a piece of cake.
And six or seven donuts and usually a pint of ice cream.
That sounds cozy.
Just staying home and "veggin' out.
" Oh, you got to make it fun.
Otherwise, you'll blow your brains out.
Why don't you grab some ice cream and I'll find a romantic comedy.
Two spoons? Better not.
I'm still on my diet.
But would it be too weird if I watched you eat it? A little weird.
But this whole conversation is weird.
Perhaps a little ambience will increase my rather bleak odds.
You're really gonna make me go out on that ledge? You know I can't stand heights.
Hey, I do all the driving and all the foot chases.
Least you can do is climb out on an icy ledge and bring that nut job inside.
I heard that.
Just hug the building, you'll be fine.
Come on, get lost.
Get lost.
Oh, God.
Don't look down, don't look down.
Okay.
I'm gonna sit.
Carl, I'm gonna sit.
I got you, man.
You're tied to the radiator.
What's the radiator tied to? Watch it! Sorry, just lashing out.
I get it.
You're a decent guy.
If that woman doesn't appreciate you, then she doesn't deserve you.
Everything was going so well.
Then she stopped returning my calls, then she changed her number, then her boyfriend made her get a restraining order.
Well, gals are fickle.
And I know things seem really bleak right now, but the right woman can come along when you least expect it.
That's what happened to me.
You got a girlfriend? Why are you acting so surprised? I didn't mean anything by it.
Boy, you're sensitive.
The girls said the entrée came.
Osso buocco with pumpkin ravioli.
And here I am eating cold French fries off a room service tray.
You didn't charge that to my room, did you? Is that what you choose to focus on now? Carl, take it easy.
It's his first Valentine's Day with a girlfriend.
He's got a girlfriend, too? Exactly.
And the two of us didn't give up; neither should you.
Why don't you come inside and we'll talk.
I'm not coming inside until she sees me on TV and falls in love with me all over again.
I wouldn't use the word "falls.
" Man, he ain't gonna jump.
Carl, what are you doing? I'm gonna get this fool off the ledge! Scooch over! I'm not scooching anywhere! I'm suction-cupped to this ledge! Fine.
Then I'll climb over you.
Whoa! Oh, God! I got you! I got you! You go, I go! You go, I go! You guys are freaking me out.
Shut up and grab his belt, you nut job! I got you, buddy.
Come on.
Oh.
Oh, beautiful.
Just gorgeous.
Next time I come back, I expect you to know "The Devil Went Down To Georgia.
" You have got to try this olive oil gelato.
Oh, my God, that's delicious.
I know! You wouldn't think it would work, but it does.
Boy, Carl did a great job.
I mean, everything is perfect.
You're aery lucky woman.
Yeah, well, so are you, girl.
Mike is a wonderful man.
Yeah, I know.
And-and I did tell him, you know, not to do anything special tonight.
But I didn't think he'd run with it.
I have to say, this is one of the nicest Valentine's Days I've ever had.
Me, too.
It's kind of a perfect evening.
I mean, y-yeah, I you know, I wish the guys were here.
Sure.
We need somebody to get the cars and the coats.
Hey, ladies, sorry we're late, and we can't stay.
Why? What's going on? This man saved my life tonight.
Come on, Carl, the girls don't need to hear about my heroics.
Technically, I saved two lives tonight while valiantly battling my own fear of heights.
Wow! We got gelato! I'm glad you had a good time.
We need to head over to the station and fill out some reports.
These are for you.
Ah.
Oh.
They're beautiful.
And these are for you.
They're lovely.
"Marry me or I'll kill myself.
" Straight from the heart.
Listen, everything you do is straight from the heart.
I hope they pin a medal on that big chest.
- Good night, ladies.
- Good night.
See you at home.
Night.
I'd be happy to drive if you want me to.
Oh, no, I will man the chariot, brave warrior.
Do you want to dance? I thought you'd never ask.
Even though I've seen this movie dozens of times, it never fails to melt this tough exterior.
Thanks for keeping me company tonight.
I really appreciate it.
No problemo.
And by the way, if any of my friends, or perhaps my mother, asks me what I did tonight, would you be offended if I told them I had a date? I wouldn't be offended in the least.
And you're more than welcome to do the same.
Thank you.
I probably won't.
Breakfast at Tiffany's I love that movie.