Rules of Engagement s02e15 Episode Script

I can't believe you've never seen Russell's place either.
He's strangely private about it.
Probably because it's some kind of sex dungeon.
Hey.
He has a regular-sized door.
What are you guys doing here? Picking you up to go to the movie.
We're supposed to meet in the lobby.
My doorman has specific instructions to only let women up.
Hello? Let's not get technical.
All right, stay here.
I'll come out.
No, no, no, no! Oh, my God.
This place is amazing.
Bup, bup, bup, bup! Put these over your shoes.
You're serious? Yeah, actually, put 'em on all four paws.
Why have you never let us up here before? Uh, because there's no shot at sex, and you're not delivering a pizza.
I am never leaving this apartment.
I live here now.
I don't think so.
This is all mine.
No, this building doesn't allow pets.
That includes Sasquatch.
You know, your place would be perfect for a photo shoot I'm doing for Indoor Living.
Oh, my God.
Are they doing a story on people that'll never let you use their apartment for photo shoots? Thought you had a location.
Yeah, there was a fire in that building.
Everyone lost their home.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Crap like this always happens to me.
Hey, where's my bathroom? At the movie theater.
Hold it in.
No, you don't need a book.
What are you doing? Please, Russell.
I'm supervising this photo spread on the ultimate apartment wedding.
And if I make the cover, I could get a huge promotion.
Listen, I'd love to help you out, but I don't like strangers in here dirtying up the place.
Also, I was lying.
I don't really wanna help you out.
Come on, it'll just be a couple of people.
That's all.
A couple of people not carrying pizza or having sex with me.
Okay.
I can't believe I'm doing this, but if you let me use your apartment, I'll let you choose the model who will play the bride.
Ba-ba-ba-ba.
And I'd like some sort of title.
Okay, how about location consultant? I was thinking, uh, executive in charge of model pleasuring.
Done.
We have a deal? Yes.
Yes! Thank you so much.
All right.
Okay.
You will not regret this.
Oh, I already d- How do I start my Jacuzzi? * How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Mmm.
What are you doing? What? Pick up a fork and eat your apple crumble like a man.
Fine.
What? I only like the crumble part.
I'll take your apples.
You wanna trade bites? Oh, my God! Ah.
It's just a reminder Audrey's birthday is this weekend.
I gotta figure out whatto get her.
Last year I kind of let her birthday slip my mind.
So the pressure's really on.
Jen just had a birthday.
I made her this coupon book full of special favors that I'd do for her anytime she wants.
Well, make sure you get expiration dates on those things.
The other day Audrey nailed me with a "breakfast in bed" from '96.
Yeah, but, you know, in a way, it's a gift for me, 'cause half the coupons are for sex.
Although she hasn't really used any of those yet.
Not that you know of.
Well, I wanna get Audrey something to surprise her.
Something she's never had before.
Oh, how about an orgasm? Sounds like a lot of work.
Hey, Jen.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
What's up? Oh, uh, Jeff's trying to figure out what to get Audrey for her birthday.
Oh, I'd love to help.
Oh, that was great.
I need it by Saturday night.
And if you keep it under 100, there's a little taste in there for you.
I meant we'd go shopping together.
Oh.
You and me.
Just the two of us? Yeah.
How's Saturday morning? Sounds great.
Okay.
You'd be okay without me on a Saturday? Oh, you don't think I can entertain myself for a day? I know you can entertain yourself.
I've walked in on that more than once.
Now let's go.
I'm cashing in one of my coupons.
Right.
Aw.
I don't wanna rent a Patrick Dempsey movie.
Ah, well, gift problem solved.
Yeah, but spending all day with Jen.
It's gonna be awkward.
I don't really know her.
We're not gonna have much to talk about.
You guys hang out all the time.
As couples.
The whole point of couples friends is the guys hang out together and the women hang out together.
The guys talk about sports, and the women talk about scrapbooking and personal freshness, or whatever.
I don't know.
Yeah, it's true.
You know, come to think of it, I don't spend much time alone with Jennifer either.
And when we do, it's the same conversation: "Stop staring at them.
" "I wasn't.
" But you were.
Of course I was.
Okay.
So I've narrowed it down, and I'd be fine with any of these girls.
As would I.
Who do you like? Well, I have to conduct the interview.
Adriana.
Why do you feel you're qualified to play a bride? Well, when I got married- Thank you.
Russell.
I have a process.
Ava.
Um who wrote Hamlet? Why are you asking her that? Because if she gets it, she's too smart to sleep with me.
Okay.
That's enough.
Um, could you all wait outside in the reception area? Please? Would you just pick one? Listen, it's hard to find a woman who is up to the lofty Russell Dunbar standards.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
My boyfriend just broke up with me.
Oh, my God, you're hired.
Hi.
Well, this is taking longer than I thought it would.
Well, you wanted the perfect gift, and perfect takes time.
How long would "good enough" take? We'd be done if you just bought the necklace I wanted you to get.
Oh, I thought I made it clear that price was a huge object.
Hey, if we're gonna keep looking, I need some lunch.
Okay, so I'll meet you back here in an hour.
No, I meant let's get lunch together.
Together.
Yeah, let's just go to the diner.
We can sit and chat.
Okay, but I should warn you that I don't know that much about scrapbooking or personal freshness.
Okay.
So You and Adam, huh? What about us? That's all.
You know what they put in here to keep it from clumping up? Rice.
That was a nice dead end.
Oh, hey, there's Adam.
Hey! Come on over here.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
Sit down.
No, I was just grabbing some takeout to bring upstairs.
I said, sit down.
No.
No, no, I gotta get upstairs.
I'm watching the finals.
What sport? The Westminster Dog Show.
Or Oh, yeah.
"Clean the closet?" You are really holding on to these sex coupons, aren't you? You remember when Adam was here? Oh.
I got an e-mail.
Oh, this is a classic.
A hundred different words for a woman's "Blouse rockets.
" That sounds funny.
Forward it to me.
Ah, what's your e-mail? It's my name at Gmail.
Jennifer@gmail.
No, my first and last name.
Right.
Jennifer Sm Ah, just lost my connection.
You don't know my last name, do you? Well, it hasn't exactly come up.
I can't believe it.
I mean, I thought we were friends.
Well, exactly.
We're on a first-name basis.
I know your last name, Jeff.
Jeff Bingham.
Well, I am sorry, Jennifer Lopez.
Not even close.
I know you're Latina.
No, I'm not.
Remember when Adam was here? Hey, Melissa.
It's Russell, the executive in charge of the shoot.
Oh, uh, I thought Audrey was in charge.
Oh-ho-ho! That's funny.
No, no, Audrey's my intern.
Yeah.
Oh.
Anyway, this is a nice location, huh? Yeah, it's- It's beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
It's mine.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You know, I'd love to give you the grand tour sometime.
I mean, there's some- Some am- Amazing view- I'm gonna throw a coaster under that real quick.
I have a few minutes before I have to get into makeup.
Uh, I would love to see the rest of your place.
That's great.
I'd probably start with the master bedroom, and, uh Ca-? Can you give me one second? Oh.
Who are these people? Ah, the rest of the crew.
The rest-? You said it was only gonna be a couple of people.
I know.
I just didn't tell you the truth, 'cause- Well, 'cause lying got me what I wanted.
Well, what the hell? They're coming out of like- Like some sort of teamster clown car.
I- And they don't have the protective booties on.
That rug is for knees and elbows only.
Please, Russell.
This is really important to me.
I know, but it's not worth trashing my pad.
Listen, I will take care of these booties.
You take care of getting on that booty, huh? Yeah.
Huh? Let's put that down before someone sees.
Oh.
Fernandez.
I told you, I'm not Latina.
I think you're wrong.
You know what? Why don't you just go shopping by yourself, and we'll hang out when Audrey and Adam are available? Look, Jennifer, come on.
Don't- Please, d- Ah, whoa.
Whoa.
It's a '69 Camaro SS.
Ah.
Adjustable shocks, anti-sway bar, big eight under the hood.
You know about this stuff? Yeah, my older brother had one.
He used to let me drive it all the time.
That's cool.
Yeah, especially since I was 12.
But his wasn't half as cherry as this one.
Dreamed of having one of these in college.
Cruising, gunning the engine so loud, nerds would fall off their mopeds.
You, uh, like this car? Try love it.
Wanna take it for a test drive? Sweet ride.
Yeah.
Still can't believe I bought it.
Anyway, so then the Sherpa says to me, "We need to acclimate at base camp for, like, three days.
" I'm like, "No, friend.
We're summiting this puppy, uh, tonight.
" Yeah.
Yeah, "puppy" being Mount Everest.
You've heard me.
Oh.
Excuse me for a minute.
You're good to go.
I better get this promotion.
I need you to help me with Melissa.
You need to help me seal the deal.
I'm not holding her down.
I need you to talk me up.
She'll believe another woman.
Oh, I don't know.
No, come on, you- Here she comes.
Do it.
Hey, Melissa.
Audrey.
I- I just wanted to tell you Russell told me you're the best intern he's ever had.
Oh.
What a relief.
Yeah.
His place is just so beautiful.
Yeah.
What's his story? He is a catch.
Yeah.
He's sweet, and smart and totally not a lying weasel at all.
Well, that's good to know.
Mm-hm.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
Hello? What? So how'd it go with Melissa? What are you talking about? What did you say about me? No, th-that's unacceptable.
Talk to me.
Me, me.
Uh, not them.
Fine.
Call me if you get someone else.
Damn it.
OH, no.
Was it something about me and Melissa? No.
The model playing the groom can't make it.
He had an emergency appendectomy and almost died.
I just cannot catch a break.
Now I have, like, n-no time to find a replacement.
Okay.
Okay, I get your not-so-subtle hint.
I'll do it.
What? Why can't I play the groom? Oh, you can.
On the wedding cake.
I'm sorry.
Uh- No, the truth is, you don't fit the suit.
Oh.
You know who might? Stupid coupon book.
Next year they're all gonna be for sex.
Oh, no, no, no.
You gotta be kidding me.
The springer spaniel? Open your freaking eyes, judge.
Hello.
Oh, hey.
Uh, yeah, I'm a 40 regular.
Why? Ah, come on.
Why couldn't that suit be a 28 short? Oh.
These fries are so good.
Everything tastes better in a car like this.
Hey, we eat 'em the same way.
A big bunch at a time.
It's the only way to do it.
Adam nibbles them one by one, like a rabbit.
Audrey does that too.
What a couple of girls.
What are you doing? I'm sending a picture I took of the car to all my faves so they can print it out and keep it in their minivans.
Oh, my God.
Do you see what I see? Nerd on a moped.
Mm-hm.
Punch it.
Yeah.
Keep doing that.
That looks great.
It's not great.
He's stealing all my face time with Melissa.
Adam is engaged.
Thanks.
Knowing he's unhappy makes me feel a little better.
All right, Adam, Melissa, I need you to take your champagne glasses.
Okay.
Adam, you stand and make a toast.
Oh, but I don't know what to say.
It's a picture.
Oh.
Uh Come on, wrap this up.
I gotta get back there.
All- All right, everyone, just take a break.
Break, break, break.
Break, break, break.
Ah.
You know, I can't believe Adam's not a professional model.
He is just such a natural.
Isn't he? He is.
You know, you two have more in common than you think.
Oh, really? Yeah, his boyfriend broke up with him too.
Oh.
Yeah.
He felt Adam was actually "too gay.
" Whatever that means.
Anyway, so this is almost over, and I thought we could hustle- Oh, excuse me.
Yeah, sure.
Hello? Stain on my couch.
Stain on my couch! W- w- What's- What's wrong? There's a stain on my couch! It's just a little spray tan.
Uck.
All right, I'll pay to get this cleaned.
I'll- I'll do whatever it takes.
Russell, please, I just need 10 more minutes.
We've gone this far.
Okay.
That was my boyfriend.
He wants us to get back together.
Awesome.
Everybody out! Here we go.
Party's over! Let's beat it.
I didn't stutter.
Okay.
I'm so not kidding.
We should just cruise around all night.
Can you kick in for gas? I paid for the last tank.
Oh, no.
What? Audrey's present.
Oh, no.
Think she'd want a '69 Camaro that only I'm allowed to drive? You know what? It's all right.
Stores are still open, we can- What the hell? Is that Adam getting married? Is that Jeff in a Camaro? I can't believe you spent that much money on a car without even talking to me.
D- did you even think about parking and insurance? Valid issues.
Jennifer, how could you let him do this? It's the car's fault for being so bitchin'.
Ha.
You guys got in trouble.
Just let me try to talk to her.
Tell her I feel terrible, I realize I made a big mistake, and I'll do anything to make it right.
Aw, hey.
I have a Camaro.
Everything's cool with Audrey.
Really? How'd you pull that off? Mm-hm.
Well, I told her that you told me that you love her more now than the day you met, you can't wait to get home to her every day, and a bunch of other wussy crap.
And she bought that? No, she knows you too well.
So I also told her that you bought her an unbelievable birthday gift.
That expensive necklace? You got it.
Good work.
Mm-hm.
You're kind of like a chick and a dude.
And I don't mean like those pictures that Russell e- mails me.
Oh, well, I take that as a compliment.
You're all right, Ramirez.
Wow, what's with the champagne? Stole it from Russell.
You took a prop from the photo shoot? No, I broke into his wine cellar.
So, what are we drinking to? How about to us setting a wedding date? What? Yeah, I'm thinking this summer.
You know? Why, is your biological clock ticking? No.
No.
It's just, I saw all these fake wedding pictures from today, and it made me wanna marry you.
For real.
Adam, that's so nice.
But that doesn't give us enough time to plan.
Okay, well, then next summer.
Deal.
Deal.
Mm.
In fact this coupon is good for one wedding next summer.
Are you sure? Yes.
I'm ready.
I know that you're the man that can take care of me for the rest of my life.
Now give me the coupon.
You'll lose it.
Fine.
Oh, wait.
Coupon for one wedding next summer and sex.
That necklace is so beautiful.
It is.
It was such a surprise.
He gave it to me in the new car.
Mm-hm-hm.
I bet he did.
Don't be disgusting.
Yeah.
Oh, hey.
I can wear my new necklace at your wedding.
It'll be great.
You're getting married, I'll know your last name.
It'll be the same as Adam's.
I might not change it to his.
You should.
Jennifer Roman sounds pretty good.
My last name's Rhodes.
What the hell is it with you two?