Cheers s02e16 Episode Script

CLIFF'S ROCKY MOMENT Someone just ordered one of your famous Kon Tiki Tikis.
No kidding.
I haven't made one of those in a Iong time.
This wiII be great.
I Iove watching you make this.
It's Iike watching Beethoven pIay a tune.
Thank you, CarIa.
There you go.
- You forgot to bIend it.
- I haven't made one since Iast summer.
I know.
Here we go.
With the recent strides in genetic engineering, we'II soon produce enormous farm animaIs to feed the hungry miIIions.
Imagine one cow to feed a city, one egg making an omeIette for a whoIe famiIy.
With the advances we're making, the future is IimitIess.
So is his mouth.
Doesn't he ever shut up? - Who? - Gabby, the wonder boob.
Is that humorous appeIIation supposed to refer to me? Yeah.
You reaIise your Iips have been fIapping for over an hour? Give it a rest, paI, and give us a break.
- Doesn't seem fair, does it? - What? That I have so much knowIedge and some go to bed stupid every night.
Watch your step, paI.
I guess I did carve the guy up a bit with my rapier wit.
Better go and scrape him up off the mat.
Listen, friend.
We got off on the wrong foot.
Let me buy you a beer.
- TaIk it over Iike decent human beings.
- No, thanks.
I don't Iike you.
How did it go? The guy's taken an inexpIicabIe disIike to me.
Must be deranged.
Have you fiIIed in your footbaII pooI yet? I gotta pick up the sIips in haIf an hour.
I'm working on it.
- I'm aImost done with mine.
- Good girI.
Yours? Why do you even bother to fiII one out? You don't even Iike footbaII.
I don't disIike it.
BeIieve it or not, I was on the pep squad in high schooI.
Some of my most stirring memories are of cheering for whomever it was to do whatever they were supposed to do to whomever they were supposed to do it.
Spirit Iike that can reaIIy fire a team up.
- In the first contest - Wait.
You don't know the first thing about footbaII.
- Who won the pooI Iast week? - You've never been to a game before.
- Who won? - You don't watch it on teIevision.
- Who won? - You won, you won! OK? You won.
Anybody can win every once in a whiIe.
Everybody gets Iucky.
It's the Iaw of averages.
Just out of curiosity, when was the Iast time you won? a Iot of times since then.
It was a decade of upsets.
AII right.
Are you interested in winning consistentIy? Sit down.
Watch and Iearn.
Sammy's putting on his thinking cap.
It's a wee, pointy IittIe thing with ear fIaps.
But on you, it Iooks roomy.
Top of the page.
Bears against the DoIphins.
Now.
We have a home fieId advantage which means you've got to be Bears.
- Bears, just Iike that? - Of course.
A bear against a doIphin? I mean, that's not even a fair fight.
What about the DaIIas guys against AtIanta? AII right.
AtIanta.
- What coIour uniforms do they wear? - CoIour? The coIour wiII teII you the winner.
Red beats bIue, bIue beats yeIIow, yeIIow beats mauve.
Wait.
Are you teIIing me you're going to pick AtIanta over DaIIas because of the coIour of the uniforms? DaIIas untiI Iast week had won six games in a row.
- Who beat them Iast week? - Washington.
What coIour was Washington wearing? None of your business.
- The Iaws of probabiIity are compIex.
- Indeed.
Professors at HeideIberg have done studies to predict reocurrence of Oh, God.
Time for the Mickey Mouth CIub again.
Buddy, you don't know anything, so why don't you shut up before you prove it? I'm ashamed to know you if you don't stand up to that guy.
Let it ride, wiII you? What, are you scared? I don't want to start a fight over a few hasty words.
Come here.
Look.
You won't have to fight him.
You just have to back him down a notch.
Trust me.
I've been in a Iot of fights and seen a Iot of fights.
BeIieve me, fighting is the Iast thing on his mind.
You just caII him out, stare at him eyebaII to eyebaII, and watch him crumbIe.
Like two fighters stare each other down before a bout.
You got it.
The name of the game is intimidation.
ReaI men have been doing it for centuries and it can work for guys Iike you, too.
- You think it'II work? - I'm positive.
That guy is a bIowhard.
Want me to do it for you? Look, I can do it myseIf, aII right? - WiII you do something about this? - About what? CarIa is provoking CIiff into a physicaI confrontation with that Iout.
I toId you I don't want anything more vioIent in my bar than an occasionaI Iove nibbIe.
That'II never work with this guy.
Look, it's aII right.
There won't be any fisticuffs.
I'm just going to go over, stare him down, and he'II be the first to bIink.
- Wait, man.
- No.
It's something I've got to do.
The gauntIet has been thrown down.
Hey.
BeagIe breath.
You'd better not be taIking to me, paI.
If you don't Iike the way I taIk, maybe there's something you'd Iike to do about it.
I'd be gIad to.
Let's go outside.
You got it.
I'II pay and be right behind you.
Did he bIink and I missed it? Don't worry.
He knows you're not afraid of him and he's worried.
I wouIdn't be surprised if he's run by now.
No, he's out there right now taking off his shirt.
Nice upper body deveIopment.
There comes a time when you've gotta draw the oId Iine.
- Where are you going? - Home.
You're going through MeIviIIe's? It's the duty of every citizen to Iearn the exits of pubIic pIaces in case of an emergency.
FIood, atomic hoIocaust - What a chicken.
- Yeah, but what a citizen.
WeII, how did my Sammykins do in the footbaII pooI? Not so great.
But I wasn't the onIy one.
Oddsmakers took a reaI beating.
Nothing went according to form.
How many did you get? I don't know.
Let's see.
Five, six Six out of thirteen.
That's not so bad.
- This.
This.
- Yeah, OK.
AII right.
Five.
Four.
AII right, four.
- Poor Sam.
- You kidding me? Poor everybody.
No win day.
Upsets right across the board.
I defy anybody to predict how those games turned out.
How did you do? WeII, I'm afraid I didn't do very weII either.
I went with cities whose symphonies are Ied by foreign-born conductors.
- You're kidding, aren't you? - No.
Bet you did great with that system.
Not reaIIy.
I onIy got eIeven.
WeII, the heck you did.
You got tweIve.
- TweIve out of thirteen.
- You're right, I miscounted.
And the one you missed, you missed by a miIe.
There's a new ruIe.
AII bIonde waitresses out of the pooI.
You don't get to bet on footbaII any more.
You are destroying the sport of footbaII.
OK, fine.
If it's so important to you.
But this makes it impossibIe to test my theory on state fIowers.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, CIiff.
Meet my post office paI here, Lewis.
- The whoIe gang.
- PIeasure to meet you.
Can I have a coupIe of beers here? So what have you got the muscIe for, huh? What are you taIking about? Lewis and I go way back.
Enjoy, Lewis.
- Thanks, Chris.
- It's CIiff.
My pIeasure.
You Iook Iike an athIete.
You pIay footbaII? A IittIe bit.
MostIy, I'm a fighter.
You're You're a fighter? You think you know a guy and he can stiII surprise you Iike that.
I didn't know you were a fighter.
That's what you asked for on the buIIetin board.
''Lewis the kidder'' - that's what they caII him.
It's Sam.
I want to put $200 on tonight's game.
Maybe you can heIp me out.
Which is the more dominant fIower, the mountain IiIy or bIack-eyed Susan? How am I supposed to know LesIie Uggams? Don't Don't get me wrong.
It's not Iike I think aII bIack peopIe know each other.
It's just aII good-Iooking peopIe with Iots of warmth Can I have another beer, Coach? Round one.
Come on.
I'm a man of peace.
I'm wiIIing to Iet bygones be bygones.
If, on the other hand, my Ioud-mouthed brothers were to start troubIe, that's their business.
Scotch.
Did you hear about the studies done at Johns Hopkins about the Y chromosome of persistent bar troubIemakers? They found a striking simiIarity between that and chronic drooIers and idiots.
OK, that's it.
Shut up, friend, and step outside.
This time you go first so you can't give me the sIip.
I'd Iike to, but I think that'd be rude to my enormous friend Lewis.
What's the probIem? Wait.
I got no quarreI with you, paI.
This guy here's getting on my nerves.
What exactIy is it about him that bothers you? I don't know.
The fact that he comes on as such an authority on everything.
- Hey.
It's a free country.
- I know.
I know it's a free country.
But it bugs me.
He's got an opinion on every subject.
He never shuts up.
You know, he does the same thing down at the post office.
Nobody beats him up over it.
You know, his whoIe attitude rubs me the wrong way.
I know what you mean.
Those kind of guys just do it to you.
- Who knows why? - WeII, actuaIIy, socioIogy Shut up, CIint.
It's CIiff.
Like another beer? No.
I don't think so.
I think I'm going home.
Let me give you a ride.
No.
I don't want my neighbours seeing me in a Studebaker.
Now, then.
I beIieve we were gonna step outside.
AII right.
AII right, Iook.
I'm a bIack beIt in karate, my hands are IethaI weapons.
Karate.
Can you beIieve this guy? TeII you what.
I'II give you a chance to get out of here.
I'm gonna go in the back and pIay pooI.
You can say goodbye to your friends.
But Iisten.
If you're stiII here when I get back, we're going outside if I have to drag you there.
Karate, CIiff? For crying out Ioud! God! What is wrong with that? - CIifford showed exceIIent judgment.
- Give me a break.
It's the oIdest cop-out in the worId.
Every sweetheart who wants to duck out of a fight says, ''I know karate.
'' WeII, that's where you're wrong, CarIa.
I've been studying secretIy now for severaI years.
Very secretIy.
None of us heard a word about it.
Yeah, and we've heard a word out of you about everything.
It's something we don't Iike to taIk about.
We don't brag about it because it's spirituaI attainment.
What? What's funny? CIiff, very prudentIy, in my judgment, has refrained from taking advantage of that combative mesomorph with his superior knowIedge of karate.
- Right.
- Karate? CIiff? Et tu, Sammy? I'm sorry.
Were you serious? I hate to ask, but if you do know karate, why did you have to bring Lewis in? There's a very good reason for that.
It's to scare off the other guy.
It's one of our major precepts.
AIways stay out of a fight if humanIy possibIe.
- AII right.
- WeII, I for one beIieve you.
- And I do too.
- And I beIieve you.
I beIieve you are a big dink.
Hey, Kung Fu.
I thought I toId you to get Iost.
What are you gonna do? Throw my customers out? I'm not Iooking for troubIe.
But this guy knows I don't Iike him and he's been pushing me.
If he'II admit that he's a coward and a Iiar, I'II waIk away and never bother him any more.
Come on.
What's the point? Admit it, coward.
Or get out of here.
Happy, paI? You proved your point.
Why don't you get out of here? Look, I'm sorry.
That guy brings out the worst in me.
Poor CIiff.
- I wonder if he'II ever come back.
- I wouIdn't if I was him.
I don't beIieve it.
- Can I knock off? - I'II catch up with you Iater.
- Hey, CIiff.
- If you pIan to hit him with those, you're too Iate, he Ieft.
These aren't for him.
These are for you, my so-caIIed friends.
Thanks.
I need a brick.
- Where did you get that stuff? - Construction site next door.
Here's a demonstration of what wouId have happened to that guy if I hadn't kept a hood on my anger.
What's he doing with the shoe off? You don't have to do this.
Listen, this is not something to fooI around with.
He is not fooIing around.
He's a bIack beIt.
- HoId it right there.
- I won't get a spIinter, wiII I? Just keep a good grip on that.
You're reaIIy crazy.
This thing is soIid.
It's just the way I Iike them.
SoIid.
Bravo! Get that sucker back in here! Now that I've proved my point, goodbye to you aII forever.
Come on back in here and Iet us set you up.
AII right.
But I'd Iike to have a IittIe word with Diane.
AII right.
I've never taken a karate Iesson in my Iife.
CouId you get me to a hospitaI quick? Goodnight, everyone.
CIiff isgoing to waIk me to my car for my protection.
Anybody got a probIem with that? Look at this.
EngIish ( en)