Home Improvement s02e16 Episode Script

- Yes, he's asleep.
- Are you sure we should do this? After what he did to us last night in that pillow fight? It's payback time! OK, Mark, you do the shoes.
We'll take care of the rest.
Everybody, stand back.
OK.
You little monkeys! - Nice boxers, Dad.
- Binford! Binford! Binford! You watch that Tabasco sauce.
I'm coming after you kids.
Oh, honey, not now.
Can't we wait till after dinner? Those little genius boys did this.
Give me a towel or something.
Help me.
No, wait, wait, wait.
You're just gonna make a big mess.
- Let me help you out with that.
- Come on! OK, just a minute.
Say cheese! Well, what do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? - Good morning! - Morning, hon.
What is green, has eight legs and liver spots? I don't know, but I think I married her.
With all eight legs kicking and screaming.
So, Tim do you know what special event we have coming up next week? You don't even have to ask me.
I know what it is.
- You're bluffing.
What is it? - Our anniversary.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
OK, Mr.
Big Shot.
What day of the week is it? What day of the week is it? That's easy.
What day of the week is it? What day - Friday.
- Friday.
Friday.
- Saturday.
Saturday.
- Saturday? We will of course be exchanging gifts.
And you're the hardest person in the world to buy for.
Yes, I know, I know.
But this year I've made it easy for you.
Crowley's is holding this beautiful gold hand-knit sweater for me.
All you have to do is go down there and pick it up and your anniversary nightmare is over.
You just waltz in here and deny me the pleasure of shopping for you? - That's right.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't you want to know what I want? I've already got your present and I know you'll love it.
I hope it's as good as the sweater I bought for you.
I shopped for hours for that thing.
Want us to tell you what Mom got you? No, I don't want you to tell me what Mom got me.
The surprise is half the fun.
I want to know and I want to know right now.
Oh, well, you know, I don't want to ruin the surprise.
- Mark, two bucks? - Broom closet.
Top shelf.
All right.
Hey, I didn't know there were gonna be bribes involved.
Where have you been living the last ten years? Oh, whoa! This is like a Momo steering wheel off some kind of sports car.
- Yeah.
Mario Andretti's racecar.
- Get out of here! Oh-oh-oh! Are you kidding? This is great.
How did she get this? Well, she wrote him a letter after he was on your show.
Oh, man.
This thing is really cool.
I've got to get her something great.
Something she really wants.
Ballroom dancing lessons.
Dad, be serious.
You don't know how to dance.
Brad! The bus is gonna be here any minute.
You still have to make your bed and brush your teeth.
Tim, you know, Crowley's is only gonna hold that sweater for three days, so if you're gonna get it, you gotta go fast.
Forget about the sweater.
I've got the perfect gift for you.
If you think filling my car with antifreeze is gonna work as my present again this year, you can forget it.
Let's put it this way.
When you find out what I'm gonna give you, you're gonna want to cover me in chocolate syrup and show your appreciation in weird and unusual ways.
Chocolate syrup.
I've gotta admit, you piqued my interest.
What do you say to me after we finish dinner every anniversary? "Tim, you have mashed potatoes on your tie.
" Jill, you always say, "We should go dancing.
" This year, we go dancing.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Oh, that's wonderful.
- Dining and dancing at the Excalibur.
- The Excalibur! That's fantastic! And in order to prepare ourselves for a night of ecstasy Yeah? I say we take ballroom dancing lessons.
Ballroom dancing lessons.
Oh, honey.
- I just have two words for you.
- Yeah? - Hot fudge.
- Oh.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
There you go, cha-cha-cha.
Move those hips, cha-cha-cha.
Very good, Mr.
Green.
Very nice, Mrs.
T.
- Thank you.
- Good.
This is really embarrassing.
Well, you weren't embarrassed in the '70s when you had to do disco.
Well, I had white boots, you know? Cha-cha, cha-cha-cha.
- Yeah, that was embarrassing.
- This cha-cha's so dated.
- Oh, yeah, like disco is here to stay.
- Could be.
OK, class, that was just wonderful.
Mrs.
Taylor, really, you're a natural.
Such style and grace.
- Oh, thank you.
- How about me? - Well, Mr.
Taylor, you're one of a kind.
- Thanks a lot.
What did she mean by that? She meant you're a geek and disco is dead.
All right, everybody.
Let's take a break, but remember: To live is to dance and to dance is to be free.
Free? Does this mean you're not charging us 20 bucks for the lesson? Oh, Mr.
Taylor, don't think of it as money.
Think of it as an investment in sophistication.
And that's an investment you could use.
Tim, come on.
This dance class thing was your idea.
Are you just gonna fool around all the time? No, I'm not gonna fool around.
I'm gonna get this and learn how to cha-cha.
I can't fool around with all these refined people in here.
Hey, tool man.
I love your show.
You must be Mrs.
Arr-arr.
Well, actually, Arr-arr-arr is my married name.
My maiden name was Will you excuse me? I have to go check our babysitter and see if our kids have killed him yet.
- Andy Paxton.
- Hey, Andy.
Tim Taylor.
- Sit down, buddy.
- How are you? So, uh, how did your wife rope you into this cha-cha thing? Well, it's a trade-off.
You see, I do the cha-cha, she shaves.
All right, everybody.
The break's over.
The line was busy.
Now that you know the basic cha-cha, let's add a little spice.
I need a couple to demonstrate.
Mrs.
Taylor.
No, no, Mr.
Taylor.
Not you.
I think we'll just kinda mix things up a little bit.
Mr.
Green, I think you'll complement Mrs.
Taylor very nicely.
I bet he knows nothing about belt sanders.
All right, everybody, we're gonna be adding a few turns.
Now, Mrs.
Taylor, watch closely.
I'd like to see the guy try that on a construction site.
Now, this is what I call the Keeney flair.
Well I sometimes get carried away.
- Now, Mrs Taylor, you try.
- Oh, I didn't get that last part.
Oh, well, try.
Here we go.
Loosen up, Mrs.
Taylor.
Keep your eyes locked on your partner.
Foreheads together.
This is what I call the love focus.
I can't believe I paid 20 bucks to have some other guy dance with my wife.
Hey, I'd pay him 30 to dance with my wife.
Let him get the razor burns.
Mr.
Green, more flair, more panache.
What are you doing? - Flairing, panaching! - Well, stop it.
Mr.
Taylor.
Mr.
Taylor, would you come out here, please? - Me? - Yes.
- You seem to be enjoying yourself.
- Totally, babe.
Well, why don't we put all of our creative energies to good use? And refinish the floor.
- No.
Let's use our imagination.
- All right.
- We're in New York.
- Give me your wallet.
We're in the Stork Club, 1957.
The band begins to play a cha-cha and we see each other across the room.
- Our eyes lock.
- Argh! The band begins to play a dance of passion.
- Oh, the mating ritual begins.
- Lady, lady, lady.
I've got a wife, you know.
In 1957, you had no wife.
Now, let yourself go, Mr.
Taylor.
- Don't be a prisoner of your body.
- Free me, warden.
I'm on parole! Let's show 'em.
Let's show the class those turns.
Oh, with lots of speed and lots of flair.
Oh, spin me, Mr.
Taylor! Really spin me! Call 911.
Mark, did you tie his shoelaces together? He doesn't have any.
Forget it.
Put some in his other hand.
Oh, you thought you'd get me, huh? I can't believe it.
This worked great on Dad.
I know.
He told me.
- Quick, quick.
- Mom and Dad are home.
Run up Get ready for Get ready for bed, quick! All right.
Wash your faces.
- Hi, Al.
How were the kids? - Great, great.
And how was the first ballroom dancing class? - It went pretty good.
- Oh, pretty good! It was a disaster.
He threw the teacher across the room.
- You did? - Not.
She said, "Spin me.
Spin me.
" You'd think a former June Taylor Dancer could take a fall better than that.
Well, she might have been able to if she hadn't caught her chin on the piano.
Well, I'm still free for tomorrow night for lesson number two.
I don't think so, Al.
After she regained consciousness, Mrs.
Keeney gave our description to the security guard.
She was so woozy she described us as an elderly Japanese couple.
Well, if I leave right now, I can still make second session of bingo.
- Thank you, Al.
- OK.
You don't want to miss that.
Hurry up, Al, hurry.
- Bye-bye.
- I'll see you at work tomorrow.
See you, buddy.
There's other dance studios we can go to, you know.
You know, you always do this.
You always ridicule everything that is important to me.
No, I don't.
I was just trying to make your gift as special as the steer steer The steer.
A steer.
What a gift that would be.
A steer.
You could have a steer out there, get beef and milk out of the same animal.
- You snooped.
- I did not.
You snooped around and found the steering wheel.
It's not like you hid it very well.
You put it in the broom closet.
When was the last time you used the broom? - Thank you for ruining both gifts.
- I love the steering wheel.
Exactly, which is why I would have liked to have seen you open it.
We can still go dancing Saturday at Excalibur.
No way I'm gonna go dancing with a man who can't even make it through one lesson.
Yeah, but give me credit.
The ballroom dancing idea was good.
Oh, I bet that wasn't even your idea.
I bet the kids thought of it, right? No.
The amount you've been nagging me about "Nag" is the wrong word.
"Nag" is the wrong word.
It's the wrong word! I can dance.
I've got flair.
I've got panache, just like Mr.
Green.
And the Binford power roofing nail gun is my favorite, because the new magazine holds 120 roofing nails.
It's enough for a bushel of shingles.
Oh! Available at fine hardware stores everywhere.
Mark, get a claw hammer, get that out of your thigh.
- Get some salve on it.
- Tim.
And if it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else makes it.
Time now for our next project.
All right, before we get to our next project, we have a special guest.
Jerry Hobert's here from the Village Association to give me a certificate of appreciation.
- You? - Is there an echo in here? Yes, me.
Let's bring Jerry out here with a big Tool Time welcome.
Jerry Hobert, everybody.
It's good to see you, Tim.
You know, I've never been on TV before.
- Oh, anybody can do it.
- You should know.
Well, Tim, on behalf of the Detroit Area Homebuilders Association, I would like to present you with this beautiful scroll.
- Now, Al's name's on there, right? - No, it's not.
Oh.
It's too bad, huh? Well, read it with a loud, clear voice for us.
We award this certificate to Tim Taylor for his efforts to promote safety at home and on the job.
You're getting an award for safety? Yeah, I am, flannel boy.
You got a problem with that? Well, I guess they didn't see the show where you fell through the roof of the project house.
Maybe they didn't, Al.
Or the time you glued your head to the table.
Al! - Or the time when you stapled the - Jerry Jerry, continue.
Your clever staging of realistic-looking accidents clearly shows viewers what not to do.
We salute you.
- Hey, Wilson.
- Hi-ho, neighbor.
- Got one for you.
- Mm-hm.
How much wood could a Wilson chop if a Wilson could chop wood? He could cut a quarter of a cord of conifer if you gave him a quarter for every cord he cut.
- You're good.
- Uh-huh.
By the way, happy anniversary.
Uh not from Jill's point of view.
Problem, Tim? The problem is I can't dance.
I won't ask you.
I got Jill kinda angry with me 'cause I was goofing around at this dance class we took.
Well, Tim, oftentimes we mock that which we cannot do.
I can't cha-cha.
I was trying to figure out where to put my hands and my feet and line everything up.
And the next thing I know, the instructor slides under a piano and her jaw is wired shut.
I don't know that step.
She didn't either.
Whoa.
Well, Tim, the problem is you're just thinking too much.
- Let's say you were a racecar driver - Oh.
- And you're taking your turns at Indy.
- Indy, aaaaarrrgghhh! Passing Unser.
See you, buddy.
Sucker! Aah! Ah, Tim, you're doing quite well.
Yeah.
Finish line's right up there, checkered flag.
- Don't look in the mirror.
- Aaaaarrrgghhh! Mirrors? - Forget about the minicam.
- Minicam's right back here.
- Don't wave at the - Aah! Uh-oh.
You hit the wall.
They're all passing me.
I was so close to it.
Well, Tim, you were doing fine when you weren't thinking about the minicam or the mirrors and such.
You were going on instinct.
You were one with the car.
- You were Zenlike.
- I was Zenlike.
I never met Zen.
What was he like? No, no, no, Tim.
Zen is a state of mind.
Like when you dance, you can't worry about what your hands and your feet are doing.
You just have to let the music envelop you.
That's what I do.
Right, left, cha-cha-cha.
Left, right, cha-cha-cha.
Right, left, cha-cha-cha.
Left, right, cha-cha-cha.
Work with me, Tim.
Right, left, cha-cha-cha.
Right, left, cha-cha-cha.
One, two, three, cha-cha-cha.
I think I got it, I got it.
All right, Tim.
We're gonna do a turn.
Let yourself go.
Right, left, cha-cha-cha.
Left, right, cha-cha-cha.
Wilson, I think I think I've got it! Come on, Jill, hurry up.
Are you still mad? Are you going to dinner with me? Yes, of course I'm going to dinner with you.
I'm not mad.
We still have to exchange gifts.
- How about, "You look pretty"? - Thanks.
I changed my hair.
I'm using that raspberry mousse of yours.
It's very fragrant.
- Where's my gift? - Close your eyes.
Shut your mouth.
Now, I just know you're gonna be so surprised about this.
- Ta-da! - Oh! This is great.
This is great.
Oh, wow! What a pretty sweater.
You have such good taste.
- Happy anniversary.
- Happy anniversary.
I love you and I love this and thanks for thinking about me.
I love you.
Well, enough of that.
OK.
Now, did you give Al enough money to get the kids popcorn at the movies? Yeah.
He wanted some extra for Milk Duds for himself.
Did you give him the number at Chez Pierre? We're not going to Chez Pierre.
We're going to the Excalibur.
Oh, honey, you were supposed to cancel those reservations.
That's when you didn't like dancing with me.
I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I still don't want to dance with you.
I'd hold that opinion if I were you.
What is this? Wow! Wow! What happened? Two days ago, all you could do was disco.
I met a man named Zen.
If you think you can keep up, please join in.
OK.
Huh.
- Shall we do the Momo step? - Do the Momo step.
- You like this thing, don't you? - I love this thing.
I bought it on your cha-cha-charge account.
Try to picture yourself We lock eyes across a huge hardware store.
The love focus.
So honey You were so amazing last night.
- On the dance floor.
- On the dance floor? I especially liked this tablecloth thing you did.
- It was cool, wasn't it? - Yes.
It was so sexy when you How did you do that? Brad! The bus is here and you still have to brush your teeth and And, uh Ooh.
The wheels fell off of that one real quick.
Once you find out what I've bought you, you're gonna want to fill my head with cannon balls and powder my behind.
Could you say that again? I'm OK.