Queer as Folk s02e16 Episode Script
You Say It's Your Birthday! I Couldn't Care Less!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
Justin: HERE'S WHERE RAGE AND ZEPHYR DISCOVER J.
T.
BEATEN AND LEFT FOR DEAD BY A GANG OF GAY BASHERS.
Michael: IT'S KIND OF GORY.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.
Ben: I'M SURE THAT I LEFT IT HERE.
HERE'S RAGE ZAPPING THE BASHERS WITH HIS MIND DISTORTER.
WITH HIS WHAT? HE SURROUNDS THEM WITH A MIND DISTORTION FIELD SO THEY THINK THEY'RE ALL FAGS.
THEN THEY BEAT EACH OTHER TO DEATH.
WOW.
THEN WHAT HAPPENS? THEN HE SWOOPS J.
T.
INTO HIS ARMS, AND TAKES HIM UP TO HIS LAIR PERCHED HIGH ABOVE GAYOPOLIS AND HE BRINGS J.
T.
BACK TO LIFE WITH LOTS OF HEAVY KISSING AND DEEP ANAL PENETRATION.
Michael: WHICH IF YOU'LL NOTICE FROM THE GENEROUS AMOUNTS OF ILLUSTRATIONS, IS JUSTIN'S FAVOURITE PART.
Ben: YES, I SEE.
OKAY, WHERE THE HELL IS MY PALM? MM, WELL, TRY MY BEDROOM.
YOU KNOW, MAY HAVE DROPPED OUT OF YOUR POCKET WHILE YOU WERE DROPPING OUT OF YOUR PANTS.
MMMM, GOOD THINKING, BOY-TOY WONDER.
YOU STOLE IT? [ Whispering .]
BORROWED IT.
BEN'S GOT A BUDDY LIST IN HERE.
SO I'M GONNA CALL EVERYBODY ON IT AND INVITE THEM TO THE SURPRISE PARTY.
WHEN'S HIS BIRTHDAY? SATURDAY.
NO SHIT, THAT'S MINE.
REALLY? YEAH.
ISN'T THAT THE MOST AMAZING COINCIDENCE? WHAT, THAT YOU TWO HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY? OR THAT YOU AND BRIAN ARE BOTH IN LOVE WITH GUYS WHO HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY.
AHH, NO LUCK IN THE BEDROOM.
THAT'S A FIRST.
[ Buzzing of food timer .]
YOU KNOW, I KNOW THAT MY PALM'S STATE- OF-THE-ART, BUT COULDN'T HAVE JUST WALKED AWAY ON ITS OWN.
YOU WANT TO STAY FOR DINNER? BEN'S MAKING PAD THAI.
Ben: THEN WE ARE GOING TO WATCH "SUNSET BOULEVARD.
" Justin: I CAN'T.
BRIAN AND I ARE GOING TO BABYLON.
BABYLON.
BABYLON, YEAH.
[ ?????? .]
ISN'T THAT LIKE, THE MOST AMAZING COINCIDENCE? THAT YOU, BEN AND LIKE, 17 MILLION OTHER PEOPLE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY? SO, HOW ARE YOU PLANNING ON COMMEMORATING THE BIG EVENT? A TRIP TO KEY WEST? SOMETHING WITH FOUR WHEELS AND A RETRACTABLE HARD-TOP? THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
I'M NOT.
YOU'RE NOT? WHAT'S A FUCK- ING BIRTHDAY? ANYBODY CAN GET BORN, EVEN YOU.
THE ONLY THING WORTH CELEBRATING IS ACHIEVEMENT.
I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOU THROWING MICHAEL A LITTLE SURPRISE PARTY LAST YEAR.
I AGREE WITH BRIAN.
I THINK BIRTHDAYS ARE SILLY, SENTIMENTAL AND UNNECESSARY.
Emmett: OKAY, SWEETHEART, THANKS FOR THE RIDE BUT, UH, HERE'S WHERE I GET OFF.
SOME CATCH.
HOW COME YOU'RE THROW- ING HIM BACK? NOT BIG ENOUGH? OH, I'M SURE HE'S BIG ENOUGH.
YOU'RE STILL IN MOURNING? I'VE TRIED BOYS, I'VE TRIED BOOZE, I'VE TRIED PILLS BUT I AM STILL IN THE VALLEY OF THE DULLS.
WELL, NEELY, MAYBE YOU NEED SOME SPIRITUAL SUCCOUR.
YEAH, YOU SHOULD CALL MY MOTHER'S MINISTER.
HE GIVES GREAT HEAD.
Ted: THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF HEALING I HAD IN MIND.
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME TOMORROW.
TO CHURCH.
CHURCH? THE CURTAIN HAS ALREADY GONE UP ON THE BIGGEST SHOW IN TOWN, IN THE UNIVERSE, IN CREATION.
IT'S CALLED "YOUR LIFE"! AND IT STARS YOU.
THE ORIGINAL CAST, WITH LYRICS AND MUSIC, AND A BOOK THAT COULD ONLY HAVE BEEN WRITTEN, DIRECTED AND CONCEIVED BY GOD! Congregation: AMEN.
ISN'T REVEREND BRAD INCREDIBLE? YEAH, YEAH, HE SHOULD WIN A TONY.
Reverend Brad: THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL, KIDS.
LET US SELL IT TO THE BALCONY AND BEYOND.
RISE, RISE, AND FOLLOW IN YOUR HYMNALS.
[ Organ ?????? .]
HIT IT.
?? PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES ?? ?? WHEN YOU FEEL DOWN AND OUT ?? ?? STRUT DOWN THE STREET AND HAVE YOUR ?? IMAGINE HOW GOOD YOU'LL FEEL.
I THINK IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LITTLE MORE THAN A SHOW TUNE.
?? YOUR SPIRIT SEEMS TO TURN ABOUT ?? HERE, SHARE MINE.
THANKS.
?? A CERTAIN SIGN THAT YOU FEEL AS FINE AS YOU LOOK ?? ?? WHEN YOU WEAR A SONG THE WORLD IS ALL A SMILE ?? ?? MAKES YOU FEEL BRAND NEW DOWN TO YOUR TOES ?? ?? GET OUT OF BED ?? YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY DO FEEL BETTER.
[ Chuckling .]
TOLD YOU.
?? FOR THERE'S NO BLUE MONDAY ?? ?? IN YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES ?? Reverend Brad: COME ON, BARNABY, LET'S GO TO PITTSBURGH.
Man: I WAS WITH THE PEACE CORPS FOR A FEW YEARS, BUT THEN, I DECIDED WHAT I REALLY WANTED WAS TO WORK WITH KIDS.
THAT'S SWEET.
HUH.
EVER TEACH SECOND-GRADERS? SWEET'S NOT EXACTLY THE WORD.
[ Chuckling .]
I'M SURE THEY ADORE YOU.
I LOVE IT.
AND IT ALLOWS ME TIME IN THE EVENINGS TO VOLUNTEER AT THE GAY YOUTH SUPPORT LINE AND TO TRAIN FOR AIDS RIDE ON THE WEEKENDS.
AND THEN OF COURSE I, UH HELP OUT AT CHURCH.
OF COURSE.
HUH.
I'M IMPRESSED.
LISTEN TO ME GOING ON ABOUT MYSELF.
UH, WHAT ABOUT YOU? TELL ME WHAT YOU DO.
ME? MM-HMM.
TED? HMM? WHERE'D YOU JUST GO? OH, UH NOWHERE.
I WAS, UH JUST THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.
SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU DO? I, UH WORK IN COMPUTERS.
UM, SALES? PROGRAMMING? I RUN MY OWN DOT-COM COMPANY.
REALLY? AN ENTREPRENEUR.
SO, UH, WHAT KIND OF COMPANY IS IT? YOU KNOW.
DEALING WITH PEOPLE'S NEEDS.
YOU MIGHT CALL IT RELIEF WORK.
SOMEHOW I I KNEW YOU'D DO SOMETHING THAT INVOLVED HELPING OTHERS.
A SURPRISE PARTY? SO WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO? DO? YEAH, YOU KNOW, AFTER EVERYONE JUMPS OUT OF THE WOODWORK AND SCREAMS "SURPRISE"? I DON'T KNOW.
I I THOUGHT WE'D SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" AND CUT THE CAKE, OPEN PRESENTS.
ANY THOUGHT OF NUDITY AND DRUGS? THIS ISN'T ONE OF YOUR AFFAIRS.
BESIDES, I'M NOT ROLLING IN DOUGH.
I CAN'T AFFORD SOME ELABORATE PARTY.
SWEETHEART, YOU DON'T NEED A LOT OF MONEY, YOU JUST NEED A THEME.
WHAT'S, UH, WHAT'S BEN INTO? YOGA, BUDDHISM.
Brian: OH, WE CAN MEDITATE! THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
OKAY, GIVE ME A MINUTE HERE.
LET ME THINK, LET ME THINK.
OKAY, OKAY, IT'S COMING TO ME.
I'M GETTING AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE DO A GEISHA-SUSHI- "MISS-SAIGONY" KIND OF THING? WE CAN TRANSFORM BEN'S APARTMENT INTO A FAR EASTERN FANTASMAGORIA WITH COLOURED LANTERNS AND, UM LITTLE PAGODAS.
YEAH.
BETTER YET, WHY DON'T YOU BUY A BOTTLE OF SAKE AND A COPY OF THE KAMA SUTRA AND FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT? IT'LL BE CHEAPER.
Emmett: HONEY, YOU JUST LEAVE IT TO ME.
I'LL MAKE SURE IT IS A PARTY THAT'S UNFORGETTABLE.
WHO'S HAVING A PARTY? NOBODY.
MUSTN'T BE MUCH OF A GUEST LIST.
BEN'S BIRTHDAY.
AND MICHAEL'S GOING TO THROW HIM A FAR EASTERN FANTASMAGORIA.
THAT'S NICE.
[ Ringing of order bell .]
Man: HEY, DEB, YOUR ORDER'S UP.
ORDER'S UP.
GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HER FOR? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO KEEP IT A SECRET? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HER TO GIVE ME ANY MORE SHIT ABOUT BEN.
MAYBE IF YOU INVITED HER WHAT FOR? SHE WOULDN'T COME ANYWAY.
Lindsay: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING? BRIAN DOESN'T BELIEVE IN BIRTHDAYS, NOT EVEN HIS OWN.
Melanie: WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT? HE ALMOST KILLED HIMSELF WHEN HE TURNED 30.
WHO'S TALKING ABOUT HIS BIRTHDAY? WE'RE TALKING ABOUT JUSTIN'S.
WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM WITH TURNING 19? HE BELIEVES IN CELEBRATING ACCOMPLISHMENTS, NOT SENTIMENTAL RITUALS.
Melanie: OH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
WHAT THE HELL DID HE DO, BRAINWASH YOU? EVERYBODY DESERVES A LITTLE ATTENTION ON THEIR BIRTHDAY.
ESPECIALLY FROM THE PERSON THEY LOVE.
[ Giggling .]
WELL, IF BRIAN'S NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING, WE WILL.
YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE, UH, GO TO DINNER AND A MOVIE? OH, THAT'S NOT VERY SPECIAL, WE CAN DO THAT ANYTIME.
Melanie: OKAY, LET'S THROW A PARTY.
I HATE PARTIES.
HE HATES PARTIES.
BESIDES, MICHAEL'S ALREADY GIVING BEN ONE.
I KNOW.
YOU'RE COMING WITH US, SATURDAY AFTERNOON.
WHERE? A FRIEND OF MINE WHO TEACHES IN THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT AT YOUR SCHOOL INVITED US TO A VIOLIN RECITAL.
A VIOLIN RECITAL? SHE SAID THE STUDENT WHO'S PLAYING IS A GENIUS.
I'M NOT REALLY INTO CLASSICAL MUSIC.
Melanie: OH, MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU EXPOSED YOURSELF TO A HIGHER FORM OF CULTURAL EXPRESSION THAN THE THUMPA-THUMPA AT BABYLON.
WELL, IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO, DON'T FORCE HIM.
ALTHOUGH SHE ALSO SAID HE'S REALLY CUTE.
[ Giggling .]
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? AHH.
THESE ARE FOR YOU.
BUT IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, IT'S BETTER TO GIVE.
WELL, RECEIVING'S NOT TOO BAD EITHER.
MMMM.
YOU KNOW, WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF YOUR BIRTHDAY YES, WHILE WE'RE ON IT, PLEASE, NOTHING SPECIAL.
LET'S JUST KEEP IT SIMPLE AND LOW-KEY, OKAY? SIMPLE AND LOW-KEY IT IS.
I THOUGHT WE COULD GO TO DINNER.
SOMEPLACE EASY AND CASUAL, NOTHING FANCY.
HOW ABOUT THE LIBERTY DINER? NOT THAT CASUAL.
[ Chuckle .]
HOW ABOUT I MEET YOU AT YOUR PLACE? UM, WHAT TIME DO YOU GET HOME? AH, IF I HAD MY DAMN PALM I COULD TELL YOU FOR SURE, BUT LET'S SEE, I'VE GOT CLASSES TILL 4:00, THEN THE DOCTOR'S, THEN YOGA, SO I'D SAY AROUND 7:00.
UM, NO, YOU BETTER MAKE IT 7:30.
PERFECT.
Man: BEN.
HEY, PAUL.
AH! HOW ARE YOU DOING, BABY? MM, GOOD.
YEAH, AND YOU? AH, NO COMPLAINTS.
PAUL, THIS IS MICHAEL.
OH, MICHAEL.
I HEARD YOU WERE SEEING SOMEONE.
WORD TRAVELS FAST.
AROUND HERE? UH, LISTEN, UH, WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER.
WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME SOME TIME? I WILL, I'LL DO THAT.
GOOD.
SEE YOU, MICHAEL.
SEE YOU.
NICE GUY.
OH, YEAH, HE'S HE'S A SWEETHEART.
ACTUALLY, HE AND I WERE TOGETHER ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.
OH.
NO, WE STAYED FRIENDS, AL ALTHOUGH AT THE TIME IT WASN'T THAT EASY.
WAIT, ISN'T THAT ABOUT THE TIME THAT YOU FOUND OUT YOU WERE POSITIVE, YEAH.
HE'S THE ONE WHO INFECTED ME.
HOLY FUCK.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S IT'S OKAY.
HE DIDN'T KNOW AND I-I SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE CAREFUL.
ANYWAY, I'VE, UH I'VE FORGIVEN HIM.
THE MAN IS PERFECT.
THERE'S NO OTHER EXPLANATION.
HOW ELSE COULD YOU FORGIVE THE GUY WHO INFECTED YOU? [ Snort .]
TRY NUTS.
IF IT WERE ME, I'D WANT TO KILL HIM.
BEN'S NOT LIKE THAT.
HE'S MANAGED TO FREE HIMSELF FROM ALL THE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE THAT THE REST OF US CARRY AROUND.
I WONDER HOW HE DOES IT? Emmett: MY GUESS, HE SINGS A LOT OF SHOW TUNES.
YOU WEREN'T DOING SUCH A BAD JOB, BELTING THEM OUT.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOUR DUET WITH THE BOY INGENUE? AH, YOU MEAN SAINT LUKE? SOMETHING TELLS ME YOUR INTEREST IN HIM ISN'T ENTIRELY SPIRITUAL.
HE IS THE SWEETEST, THE KINDEST, THE SEXIEST, MOST ADORABLE GUY I'VE EVER MET.
SO WHAT DOES HE THINK ABOUT YOU? HE THINKS I RUN A RELIEF ORGANIZATION.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? YEAH.
ME, THE RED CROSS AND THE UNICEF.
AND HOW, PRAY, DID HE GET THAT IMPRESSION? OH, HE ASKED ME WHAT I DID, AND I, UH LIED? WHY THE HELL D'YOU DO THAT? HE'S A CHURCH-GOING ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER WHO DOES CHARITY WORK, FOR FUCK' SAKE.
I MEAN, WHAT WOULD HE THINK IF I TOLD HIM I'M THE CEO OF JERKATWORK.
NET? WELL, IF HE'S AS PERFECT AS YOU SAY, HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T CARE.
Emmett: [ Groan .]
WELL, BOYS YOU DATE YOUR SAINTS, I'LL STICK TO THE SINNERS.
IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES.
COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST HAVE A CAKE? I DON'T NEED ANY CAKE.
I GAINED THREE OUNCES LAST WEEK.
NOW WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF MY BACK? I HAVE A SHITLOAD OF WORK TO DO.
HEY, YOU LOOK SPIFFY.
A NEW SPORT COAT? YEP.
MY MOM GOT IT FOR ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
DIDN'T YOUR DADDY EVER TEACH YOU HOW TO TIE A TIE? NO, HE WAS TOO BUSY KICKING ME OUT AND BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
WELL, NEITHER DID MINE.
HE WAS TOO BUSY REGRETTING THE DAY I WAS BORN.
COME HERE.
[ ?????? .]
THIS ISN'T THE BIRTHDAY SUIT I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU IN.
[ Chuckle .]
THERE, NOW.
GO GET SOME CULTURE.
DON'T WORK TOO HARD.
[ ?????? .]
I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU.
[ ?????? .]
DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.
FEW DO.
IT'S OBVIOUS HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM.
YET YOU WON'T CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAY BECAUSE YOU DON'T CONSIDER IT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.
WELL, ISN'T IT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT THAT HE'S ALIVE AND WELL? ISN'T THAT ENOUGH REASON TO CELEBRATE? [ ?????? .]
?? I SPENT SUCH A LONG TIME ?? ?? WONDERING WHY ?? [ Sliding of door .]
[ Violin ?????? .]
I FOUND IT.
I WORE IT TO THE WHAT-A-DRAG BALL IN '89.
I WENT AS CHO-CHO-SAN.
[ Chuckle .]
YOUR MOTHER WENT AS PINKERTON.
I PROMISED EMMETT HE COULD BORROW IT FOR THE PARTY.
IT WILL MAKE A FABULOUS HOSTESS GOWN.
HE'LL BE STUNNING.
JUST DON'T BE LATE.
AND DON'T YOU BE NERVOUS.
I JUST WANT EVERY- THING TO COME OFF AS PLANNED, YOU KNOW, FOR BEN.
IT'LL BE THE SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON.
WHAT'S THE SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON? THE HOMO HOP AT BABYLON? BEN'S SURPRISE PARTY.
OH.
[ Clearing of throat .]
I WAS JUST TELLING VIC NOT TO BE LATE.
UH-HUH.
YOU KNOW IF YOU WANT TO COME AH, THAT'S OKAY.
I GOT PLANS.
I'M I'M, UH, I-I'M GOING TO THE MOVIES WITH MY MY MY FRIEND ROSIE.
B-BUT PLEASE, WISH HIM MANY HAPPY RETURNS FOR ME.
I WILL.
AND I'LL BE SURE TO GIVE THIS TO EMMETT.
THANKS.
SEE YOU, MICHAEL.
YOU HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO ROSIE IN 12 YEARS.
WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW, SHE MAY CALL.
HERE, HELP ME WITH THIS.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT WHERE MICHAEL AND BEN ARE CONCERNED.
DO YOU SEE ME GIVING HIM ANY GRIEF? I DON'T SEE YOU GIVING HIM ANY JOY.
I AGREED TO TOLERATE IT, NOT ENDORSE IT.
WELL MAYBE YOU COULD UP YOUR COMMITMENT A NOTCH.
YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT, BEN'S BEEN A POSITIVE INFLUENCE ON HIM.
POSITIVE.
EXACTLY.
AND DESPITE ALL OF YOUR DARKEST FEARS AND DIRE PREDICTIONS, THEY BOTH SEEM TO BE DOING JUST FINE.
SO, WHY NOT BE A SPORT AND MAKE THE KID HAPPY? Melanie: WAS HE AMAZING OR WHAT? Lindsay: AND TO THINK THAT HE'S SO YOUNG.
HE STARTED PLAYING WHEN HE WAS FOUR.
HE STUDIED WITH THE GREAT ANDREI VISHNEVSKI.
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CLASSICAL MUSIC.
I READ THE PROGRAMME.
I THINK WE'RE WITNESSING A CONVERSION EXPERIENCE.
ANOTHER LESBIAN SUCCESS STORY.
OH, THERE'S SUSAN.
I'D BETTER THANK HER FOR THE TICKETS.
[ Mixed chatter .]
I JUST WANTED TO SAY I THOUGHT YOU WERE GREAT.
THE RAVEL WAS PASSABLE, BUT THE BRAHMS WAS FOR SHIT.
I DIDN'T NOTICE.
YEAH WELL, YOU SHOULD'VE.
IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT.
ME? YES.
THE WAY YOU WERE STARING AT ME WAS VERY DISTRACTING.
I'M SORRY.
ALTHOUGH NOT NECESSARILY IN A BAD WAY.
HUH.
YEAH, I'M JUSTIN.
ETHAN.
I KNOW.
WHAT'S THIS? OH, IT'S NOTHING.
LET ME SEE.
IT'S ME IN FIVE VARIATIONS.
HUH.
IT'S A HABIT.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T STOP MYSELF.
HUH! IT'S THE SIGN OF A TRUE ARTIST.
I PLAY IN MY SLEEP.
YOU GO TO SCHOOL HERE, RIGHT? VISUAL ARTS.
YEAH, I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED YOU.
SOME FRIENDS BROUGHT ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
HELLO.
HERE.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
IT'S YOUR OWN CD.
YEAH, I MADE IT MYSELF.
A COUPLE OF MOZART SONATAS, A DEBUSSY, A LITTLE BERNSTEIN.
HUH, NICE PHOTO.
[ Chuckle .]
YEAH WELL, NEXT TIME, I'M GOING TO USE ONE OF THESE.
DO.
Man: ETHAN.
HI, HOW'RE YOU DOING? [ Mixed chatter .]
[ Moans/sighs .]
[ ?????? .]
YOU ARE A WONDERFUL LOVER, TED.
YOU'RE SO NICE, SO SINCERE SO HONEST.
I FELT IMMEDIATELY THAT YOU'RE SOMEONE I COULD TRUST.
HUH.
[ Stammering .]
REMEMBER, UH, WHEN YOU ASKED ME WHAT I DID AND THEN I SAID I I WORKED IN COMPUTERS? MM-MM, AND THAT YOU'RE A SERVICE PROVIDER FOR A RELIEF ORGANIZATION.
YEAH, UM W-WELL, THAT'S THAT'S NOT COM- PLETELY ACCURATE, ALTHOUGH I CAN UNDERSTAND FROM HOW INTENTIONALLY AMBIGUOUS I WAS ABOUT MY JOB DESCRIPTION THAT YOU MIGHT ASSUME THAT, UH THAT I SHIP FOOD AND CLOTHING TO WAR-TORN REGIONS OF THE GLOBE, WHEN IN FACT, UH THE SERVICE I PROVIDE [ Clearing of throat .]
IT'S A PORN SITE.
AND, UH, THE RELIEF COMES FROM WELL, I'M SURE YOU CAN FIGURE OUT THE REST.
[ Ticking of clock .]
I GUESS WE'D BETTER GET DRESSED.
NO, WAIT.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO TELL ME? WELL, YEAH, I-I, YOU KNOW, I-I THOUGHT AFTER EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT NO, NO.
I-I'VE EVEN BEEN ON THEM MYSELF.
COUPLE OF TIMES.
YOU HAVE? MM-HMM.
AND YOU DON'T MIND? NO.
NO.
LOOK.
YOU'RE WHAT MATTERS.
[ Sigh .]
IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
[ Violin ?????? on CD .]
HOOKED ON CLASSICS, ARE WE? YEAH, AND THE GUY THAT PLAYED THE VIOLIN, I WISH YOU COULD'VE BEEN THERE, HE WAS HE WAS INCREDIBLE.
INCREDIBLE, EH? YOU KNOW, IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO EXPOSE YOURSELF TO SOME CULTURE.
I'VE EXPOSED MYSELF TO A LITTLE CULTURE.
THERE WAS AN OBOE PLAYER I MET AT THE BATHS ONCE.
[ Moan .]
[ ?????? .]
ARE YOU UP FOR ANOTHER BIRTHDAY TREAT? NO WAY.
HUH.
NO FUCKING WAY.
I KNEW IT.
ALL THAT BULLSHIT ABOUT NOT DOING BIRTHDAYS.
YOU WERE JUST GOING TO SURPRISE ME.
OH-H.
WHAT IS IT? THIS WAY, YOUNG MAN.
I'M GOING TO TRIP.
[ Yelp .]
OH-H HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR PRESENT? HE LOOKS JUST LIKE THAT UNDER- WEAR MODEL YOU LIKE, DOESN'T HE? ARE YOU GOING TO UNWRAP IT? [ Banging of gong .]
WELCOME, KIND GENTLEMEN.
PLEASE ENTER.
I AM YOUR HOSTESS FOR THE EVENING.
[ Shy giggle .]
EMMETT, IS THAT YOU? YEAH, HONEY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU PUT THE "GAY" BACK IN GEISHA.
COME ON, HURRY UP AND GET IN.
OH! HE'S GOING TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
Emmett: [ Gasps of excitement .]
UH, MICHAEL, EM BUTTERFLY THIS IS LUKE.
UH, LUKE, RIGHT.
WE, UH, WE MET AT THE CHURCH OF THE HOLY SHOW TUNE.
Luke: RIGHT.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, LUKE.
JESUS.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A DREAM I HAD AFTER I ATE SOME BAD MOO GOO GAI PAN.
YEAH, IT WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE A FEW RED LANTERNS.
OKAY, SO I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.
UH COME ON IN, HAVE SOME SAKE AND CORN DOODLES.
I KIND OF BLEW MY FOOD BUDGET ON THE ROOM.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
OH.
MEL, LINZ THIS IS LUKE.
OH, SO YOU'RE THE FAMOUS LUKE THAT TED'S BEEN RAVING ABOUT.
TED THINKS YOU'RE PRETTY TERRIFIC.
WE THINK TED'S PRETTY TERRIFIC TOO.
TELL HIM MORE.
TELL HIM MORE.
I'LL GO GET SOME SAKE.
[ Knocking on door .]
UNCLE VIC.
ON TIME, JUST LIKE YOU SAID.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, I, UH BROUGHT ALONG A FRIEND.
THE MORE THE MERRIER.
MA, YOU CAME.
YEAH WELL, MY MY FRIEND ROSIE CALLED AND CANCELLED AT THE LAST MINUTE.
AND, UH, SINCE I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO, I WELL, I'M REALLY GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
AND I'M SURE BEN WILL BE TOO.
LISTEN, BABY, AS LONG AS HE'S GOOD TO YOU, THE LEAST I CAN DO IS WISH HIM A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
AND MANY MORE.
BUT IT'S TRUE, TED'S JUST BEEN RAVING ABOUT YOU.
I DON'T THINK I'VE HEARD ANYONE USE "EST" MORE TIMES IN ONE SENTENCE.
THE NICEST, THE CUTEST, THE SWEETEST.
HE THINKS YOU'RE VERY SPECIAL.
YOU GOTTA BE, CONSIDERING WHAT HE DOES.
THE DICK CHANNEL, ALL DICK ALL THE TIME.
WELL, THIS IS BY FAR THE MOST INTER- ESTING DISCUSSION IN THE ROOM.
WE'RE JUST SAYING HOW GREAT IT IS THAT LUKE'S SO OPEN-MINDED ABOUT TED'S PORN SITE.
NOT EVERYONE WOULD BE.
WELL, I ADMIRE SOMEONE WHO'S PASSIONATE ABOUT WHAT HE DOES.
OH, HE'S PASSIONATE, ALL RIGHT.
EATS, DRINKS, SLEEPS PORN, 24-7.
PORN, PORN, PORN.
All: [ Chuckling .]
Melanie: OH, OUR LITTLE ENTREPRENEUR IS NOT GOING TO STOP THERE.
Lindsay: HE'S FAR TOO AMBITIOUS FOR THAT.
MM, I'M SURE HE'S GOT LIKE, A DOZEN OTHER WEBSITES PLANNED.
Melanie: FILM STUDIO.
EVEN A THEME PARK.
SAKE? OH, UH, NO THANKS.
I-I DON'T DRINK.
IS HE THE KINDEST, THE SWEETEST, THE CUTEST? WHAT'D I TELL YOU? WHICH I GUESS MAKES ME ABOUT THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING UP THE STEPS.
IT'S HIM, EVERYBODY HIDE! [ Gasps/yelps .]
[ Mixed chatter/chuckles .]
Emmett: HURRY.
THIS IS IT.
All: SURPRISE! [ Blowing of horns .]
SURPRISE.
All: [ Moaning .]
Michael: IT'S 7:20.
YOU DON'T SHOW UP FASHIONABLY LATE FOR A SURPRISE PARTY.
WELL, WE WERE BUSY HAVING OUR OWN LITTLE CELEBRATION.
Melanie: YOU HAD A CELEBRATION? BRIAN CAME THROUGH AFTER ALL.
YEAH, HE GOT ME A HUSTLER.
WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? [ Opening of door .]
HE'S COMING.
THIS TIME IT'S REALLY HIM.
EVERYBODY HIDE.
All: [ Shushing .]
[ Clatter of objects .]
SHHH! All: SURPRISE! [ Blowing of horns .]
LOOK, WE WE REALLY SURPRISED HIM.
WE REALLY SURPRISED YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I CALLED ALL YOUR FRIENDS.
HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL MY FRIENDS? WELL I BORROWED THIS.
Various: OH NO [ Laughter .]
OKAY, YOU'VE HAD THIS ALL THIS TIME? I'M THE CULPRIT.
YOU HAD NO RIGHT, MICHAEL.
WELL, I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? Ben: I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT A PARTY.
I DON'T WANT TO CELEBRATE MY GODDAMN BIRTHDAY.
FINALLY, A MAN WITH THE RIGHT ATTITUDE.
BUT, BEN, ALL YOUR FRIENDS OH YEAH, MY FRIENDS.
[ Scoffing .]
YEAH, I WANT MY FRIENDS OUT OF HERE NOW.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND? [ Closing of door .]
[ Mixed murmurs .]
AND THIS IS THE GUY WHO'S GOOD FOR MY SON.
AFTER ALL I WENT THROUGH TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL, TO SURPRISE HIM, TO MAKE HIM HAPPY, HOW COULD HE HUMILIATE ME IN FRONT OF EVERYONE LIKE THAT? HEY, WILL YOU SLOW DOWN? AND HERE I AM, THINKING HE'S SO WISE AND SO TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW, THAT HE LIVES ON SOME HIGHER SPIRITUAL PLANE THAN THE REST OF US POOR, DUMB MORTALS.
BOY, DID HE HAVE ME FOOLED.
WAS I FUCKING STUPID.
HEY, ARE YOU FINISHED? WHY? YOU IN A HURRY TO PICK SOMEONE UP? NO, I'M JUST TIRED OF HEARING YOU PLAY "VARIATIONS ON THE THEME OF POOR LITTLE MIKEY".
OH, I'M SO SORRY I BORE YOU.
WELL THEN, TRY ANOTHER SONG.
WHAT DID I DO? BESIDES THROW HIM A GODDAMN PARTY? NEVER MIND.
FORGET IT.
GO TO WOODY'S.
GET DRUNK.
THROW UP.
PASS OUT.
YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER IN THE MORNING.
NO, TELL ME.
YOU WANT TOO MUCH.
YOU EXPECT TOO MUCH.
AND THEN WHEN YOUR HERO DISAPPOINTS YOU, YOUR POOR LITTLE HEART GETS CRUSHED.
SO WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE? TO EXPECT NOTHING? TO WANT NOTHING LIKE YOU? OH, UH, JACK AND GILLES, UH, ROLF FROM DUSSELDORF IS ONLINE.
HE WANTS YOU TWO TO DO A LITTLE DOUBLE-HEADED DILDO ACTION.
DANKE.
HEY.
WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.
[ Chuckling .]
MMM.
BETTER THAN NICE.
MM.
DID I COME AT A BAD TIME? AROUND HERE, NO SUCH THING.
[ Chuckling .]
HEY, LET ME GIVE YOU THE V.
I.
P.
TOUR.
SO, THIS IS MY LITTLE KINGDOM.
OVER HERE, YOU SEE THE BOYS, DOING THEIR LITTLE THING WITH THEIR BIG THINGS.
OH, EASY, GUYS.
YOU'VE GOT 15 TO GO, SO PACE YOURSELVES, PACE YOURSELVES.
GOD, YOU ARE JUST THE CUTEST.
MMM! BOY, IF MY MEMBERS GOT ONE LOOK AT YOU, HMM! UH, DON'T WORRY.
NOBODY GETS YOU BUT ME.
Performers: [ Moaning of pleasure .]
WHAT? I, UH I CAME TO TELL YOU, I-I THINK WE'RE MOVING TOO FAST.
TOO FAST? IN FACT, I I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE.
[ Scoffing .]
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT? WHY? Performers: [ Gasps of exertion .]
IT'S BECAUSE OF THIS, ISN'T IT? LOOK I THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
I TRIED NOT TO LET IT.
LOOK, I-I EVEN TOLD MYSELF IT'S JUST A JOB, LIKE ANY OTHER JOB.
YOU'RE PROVIDING A A SERVICE.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
Performers: [ Grunts of effort .]
[ Slapping of flesh .]
THAT'S NOT ALL IT IS.
[ Stammering .]
N-NO W-WAIT, WAIT!.
PLEASE, DON'T MAKE THIS MORE DIFFICULT LOOK, I'M WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.
OKAY? ANYTHING.
YOU NAME IT.
I'LL GIVE IT UP.
NO.
NO, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO GIVE UP DOING WHAT YOU LOVE.
LOOK, BESIDES IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
IT'S MINE.
THEN WE'LL WORK ON IT TOGETHER.
I'M SORRY, TED.
ALL RIGHT, EASY, GUYS.
PACE YOURSELVES.
PACE YOURSELVES.
SO HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE LEDA'S GOFERS? [ Snorting .]
SHE'S DOING US A FAVOUR.
Lindsay: WE HAD TO VOLUNTEER.
YEAH WELL, NEXT TIME, DO YOURSELVES A FAVOUR AND ME.
HIRE A PROFESSIONAL.
YEAH, YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT, HUH? SHIT, I LEFT MY CREDIT CARD.
YOU'RE SURE? BE RIGHT BACK.
SO, I HEAR YOU FINALLY BROKE DOWN AND GOT JUSTIN SOME- THING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
A HUSTLER.
YEAH.
HE REALLY GOT OFF ON IT.
JUST WHAT HE NEEDS, TO GET LAID.
I DIDN'T HEAR HIM COMPLAINING.
OF COURSE NOT, HE WOULDN'T DARE.
THEN WHY ARE YOU? BECAUSE.
I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO ISN'T.
YOU MIGHT'VE GIVEN HIM SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE THOUGHTFUL.
WOULD YOU SAVE THE JEWISH MOTHER GUILT TRIP FOR MY SON? AH, FUCK OFF, BRIAN.
I'M JUST TRYING TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT HE WANTS.
AND WHAT DOES HE WANT, MAMA? SOMETHING ROMANTIC.
JESUS CHRIST, WHAT DO YOU THINK WE ARE? A COUPLE OF DYKES? YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.
MAYBE I SHOULD SEND HIM A DOZEN ROSES.
WHY NOT? BECAUSE, HE'S NOT MY WIFE.
WE'RE NOT MARRIED, AND WE'RE NOT STRAIGHT.
COULDN'T YOU BEND YOUR HOLIER-THAN-THOU "I'M GAY AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK" PRINCIPLES JUST ONCE? LET HIM KNOW YOU CARE.
I THOUGHT HE DID.
Lindsay: GOT IT.
[ Violin ?????? .]
I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE MAINTENANCE GUY, THERE'S NO HEAT.
SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
MAYBE THINGS WILL WARM UP, NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE.
[ Chuckle .]
I WAS, UM I WAS JUST CUTTING THROUGH THE MUSIC BUILDING, AND I HEARD SOMEONE PLAYING.
THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE YOU.
SO, I POPPED MY HEAD IN AND AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, YOU FOUND ME.
YOU WANT SOME TEA? NO.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO PLAY PAGANINI'S "CANTABILE OPUS 17 IN D MAJOR" WHEN THERE'S ICE FORMING ON YOUR BOW.
I-I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU FOR THE CD.
YOU LISTENED TO IT? SIX TIMES.
YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.
I KNOW.
HOW WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY? DID YOU HAVE A BIG PARTY? UM, NOT REALLY.
MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T THINK BEING BORN IS A REASON TO CELEBRATE.
OH.
WELL THAT SUCKS.
I DIDN'T REALLY WANT ONE ANYWAY.
NO, I MEAN THAT YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
OH.
BECAUSE IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND, I'D GIVE YOU A BIRTHDAY YOU'D NEVER FORGET.
HUH! LIKE WHAT? LIKE FIRST I'D BRING YOU BREAKFAST IN BED.
AND THEN I'D PLAY FOR YOU ONE OF RAVEL'S VALSE NOBLE E SENTIMENTALE, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I PICTURE YOU, NOBLE AND SENTIMENTAL.
AND THEN WE'D MAKE LOVE A COUPLE HUNDRED TIMES.
HUH.
ALL THAT BEFORE LUNCH? YES.
BUT I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
I GOTTA GET BACK TO CLASS.
[ Knocking on door .]
I'VE MISSED YOU THE LAST FEW NIGHTS.
YEAH, WELL, I THOUGHT IT'D BE BEST IF I SLEPT ALONE.
IN FACT, I THINK I OUGHT TO SLEEP ALONE FROM NOW ON.
MICHAEL PLEASE.
I KNOW I GOT A LITTLE UPSET AT THE PARTY A LITTLE UPSET? YOU WERE A FUCKING MONSTER, HUMILIATING ME, HUMILIATING YOURSELF.
I KNOW THAT TOO.
AND AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE I WENT THROUGH FOR YOU.
I KNOW.
I KNOW.
WELL, I WON'T BE DOING THAT AGAIN.
I MEAN, NOT THAT IT MATTERS, 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK WE'RE GOING TO BE SPENDING ANY MORE BIRTHDAYS TOGETHER.
MY T-CELLS WENT DOWN.
WHAT? AND MY VIRAL LOAD'S BACK UP.
HOW UP? THAT'S WHERE I WAS BEFORE I CAME HOME.
AT THE DOCTOR'S, GETTING THE RESULTS.
THE COCKTAIL'S NOT WORKING.
THE VIRUS HAS BECOME RESISTANT.
WELL, CAN'T THEY CHANGE THE DRUGS? THEY ALREADY HAVE.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU SMOKE? SINCE I'M NERVOUS, MICHAEL.
WOULD YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? PLEASE, I'M NOT PERFECT, YOU KNOW? YEAH, I'M FINDING THAT OUT.
WELL, GOD KNOWS, I HAVE TRIED.
EASTERN RELIGION, MEDITATION, YOGA, YOU NAME IT, I'VE PRACTICED IT.
HOPING TO ACHIEVE SOME STATE OF INNER HARMONY.
AND THEN THIS HAPPENS, AND I REALIZE THE ONLY THING I HAVE ACHIEVED IS TO CONVINCE MYSELF I BELIEVE ALL THIS BULLSHIT.
IT'S NOT BULLSHIT.
I HURT YOU, MICHAEL.
I HURT THE ONE PERSON WHO MEANS MORE TO ME THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD.
AND THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR IT.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S JUST NO EXCUSE AT ALL.
SURE THERE IS.
YOU'RE HUMAN.
[ ?????? .]
[ Violin ?????? .]
THOSE ARE NICE.
SHALL I WRAP THEM FOR YOU? NO.
THANKS.
[ ?????? .]
?? THE YELLOW WALLS ARE LINED WITH PORTRAITS ?? ?? AND I'VE GOT MY NEW RED FETCHING LEATHER JACKET ?? ?? ALL THESE POSES, SUCH BEAUTIFUL POSES ?? ?? MAKE CITY BOY FEEL LIKE PICKING UP ROSES ?? ?? THERE'S NEVER BEEN SUCH GRAVER MATTER ?? ?? AS WHEN WEARING OUR NEW BRAND NAME BLACK SUNGLASSES ?? ?? ALL THESE POSES, SUCH BEAUTIFUL POSES ?? ?? MAKE CITY BOY FEEL AS PRETTY AS PRINCES ?? ?? THE GREEN AUTUMNAL PARK'S CONDUCTING ?? ?? AND THE CITY STREET'S A WONDROUS CHORUS ?? ?? SEEING ALL THESE POSES OH, HOW CAN YOU BLAME ME? ?? ?? LIFE IS A GAME AND TRUE LOVE IS A TROPHY ?? ?? AND YOU SAY ?? ?? WATCH MY HEAD ABOUT IT ?? ?? BABY YOU SAY ?? ?? WATCH MY HEAD ABOUT IT ?? ?? MY HEAD ABOUT IT ?? ?? OH NO, OH NO, OH NO ??
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
Justin: HERE'S WHERE RAGE AND ZEPHYR DISCOVER J.
T.
BEATEN AND LEFT FOR DEAD BY A GANG OF GAY BASHERS.
Michael: IT'S KIND OF GORY.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.
Ben: I'M SURE THAT I LEFT IT HERE.
HERE'S RAGE ZAPPING THE BASHERS WITH HIS MIND DISTORTER.
WITH HIS WHAT? HE SURROUNDS THEM WITH A MIND DISTORTION FIELD SO THEY THINK THEY'RE ALL FAGS.
THEN THEY BEAT EACH OTHER TO DEATH.
WOW.
THEN WHAT HAPPENS? THEN HE SWOOPS J.
T.
INTO HIS ARMS, AND TAKES HIM UP TO HIS LAIR PERCHED HIGH ABOVE GAYOPOLIS AND HE BRINGS J.
T.
BACK TO LIFE WITH LOTS OF HEAVY KISSING AND DEEP ANAL PENETRATION.
Michael: WHICH IF YOU'LL NOTICE FROM THE GENEROUS AMOUNTS OF ILLUSTRATIONS, IS JUSTIN'S FAVOURITE PART.
Ben: YES, I SEE.
OKAY, WHERE THE HELL IS MY PALM? MM, WELL, TRY MY BEDROOM.
YOU KNOW, MAY HAVE DROPPED OUT OF YOUR POCKET WHILE YOU WERE DROPPING OUT OF YOUR PANTS.
MMMM, GOOD THINKING, BOY-TOY WONDER.
YOU STOLE IT? [ Whispering .]
BORROWED IT.
BEN'S GOT A BUDDY LIST IN HERE.
SO I'M GONNA CALL EVERYBODY ON IT AND INVITE THEM TO THE SURPRISE PARTY.
WHEN'S HIS BIRTHDAY? SATURDAY.
NO SHIT, THAT'S MINE.
REALLY? YEAH.
ISN'T THAT THE MOST AMAZING COINCIDENCE? WHAT, THAT YOU TWO HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY? OR THAT YOU AND BRIAN ARE BOTH IN LOVE WITH GUYS WHO HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY.
AHH, NO LUCK IN THE BEDROOM.
THAT'S A FIRST.
[ Buzzing of food timer .]
YOU KNOW, I KNOW THAT MY PALM'S STATE- OF-THE-ART, BUT COULDN'T HAVE JUST WALKED AWAY ON ITS OWN.
YOU WANT TO STAY FOR DINNER? BEN'S MAKING PAD THAI.
Ben: THEN WE ARE GOING TO WATCH "SUNSET BOULEVARD.
" Justin: I CAN'T.
BRIAN AND I ARE GOING TO BABYLON.
BABYLON.
BABYLON, YEAH.
[ ?????? .]
ISN'T THAT LIKE, THE MOST AMAZING COINCIDENCE? THAT YOU, BEN AND LIKE, 17 MILLION OTHER PEOPLE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY? SO, HOW ARE YOU PLANNING ON COMMEMORATING THE BIG EVENT? A TRIP TO KEY WEST? SOMETHING WITH FOUR WHEELS AND A RETRACTABLE HARD-TOP? THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
I'M NOT.
YOU'RE NOT? WHAT'S A FUCK- ING BIRTHDAY? ANYBODY CAN GET BORN, EVEN YOU.
THE ONLY THING WORTH CELEBRATING IS ACHIEVEMENT.
I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOU THROWING MICHAEL A LITTLE SURPRISE PARTY LAST YEAR.
I AGREE WITH BRIAN.
I THINK BIRTHDAYS ARE SILLY, SENTIMENTAL AND UNNECESSARY.
Emmett: OKAY, SWEETHEART, THANKS FOR THE RIDE BUT, UH, HERE'S WHERE I GET OFF.
SOME CATCH.
HOW COME YOU'RE THROW- ING HIM BACK? NOT BIG ENOUGH? OH, I'M SURE HE'S BIG ENOUGH.
YOU'RE STILL IN MOURNING? I'VE TRIED BOYS, I'VE TRIED BOOZE, I'VE TRIED PILLS BUT I AM STILL IN THE VALLEY OF THE DULLS.
WELL, NEELY, MAYBE YOU NEED SOME SPIRITUAL SUCCOUR.
YEAH, YOU SHOULD CALL MY MOTHER'S MINISTER.
HE GIVES GREAT HEAD.
Ted: THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF HEALING I HAD IN MIND.
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME TOMORROW.
TO CHURCH.
CHURCH? THE CURTAIN HAS ALREADY GONE UP ON THE BIGGEST SHOW IN TOWN, IN THE UNIVERSE, IN CREATION.
IT'S CALLED "YOUR LIFE"! AND IT STARS YOU.
THE ORIGINAL CAST, WITH LYRICS AND MUSIC, AND A BOOK THAT COULD ONLY HAVE BEEN WRITTEN, DIRECTED AND CONCEIVED BY GOD! Congregation: AMEN.
ISN'T REVEREND BRAD INCREDIBLE? YEAH, YEAH, HE SHOULD WIN A TONY.
Reverend Brad: THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL, KIDS.
LET US SELL IT TO THE BALCONY AND BEYOND.
RISE, RISE, AND FOLLOW IN YOUR HYMNALS.
[ Organ ?????? .]
HIT IT.
?? PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES ?? ?? WHEN YOU FEEL DOWN AND OUT ?? ?? STRUT DOWN THE STREET AND HAVE YOUR ?? IMAGINE HOW GOOD YOU'LL FEEL.
I THINK IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LITTLE MORE THAN A SHOW TUNE.
?? YOUR SPIRIT SEEMS TO TURN ABOUT ?? HERE, SHARE MINE.
THANKS.
?? A CERTAIN SIGN THAT YOU FEEL AS FINE AS YOU LOOK ?? ?? WHEN YOU WEAR A SONG THE WORLD IS ALL A SMILE ?? ?? MAKES YOU FEEL BRAND NEW DOWN TO YOUR TOES ?? ?? GET OUT OF BED ?? YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY DO FEEL BETTER.
[ Chuckling .]
TOLD YOU.
?? FOR THERE'S NO BLUE MONDAY ?? ?? IN YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES ?? Reverend Brad: COME ON, BARNABY, LET'S GO TO PITTSBURGH.
Man: I WAS WITH THE PEACE CORPS FOR A FEW YEARS, BUT THEN, I DECIDED WHAT I REALLY WANTED WAS TO WORK WITH KIDS.
THAT'S SWEET.
HUH.
EVER TEACH SECOND-GRADERS? SWEET'S NOT EXACTLY THE WORD.
[ Chuckling .]
I'M SURE THEY ADORE YOU.
I LOVE IT.
AND IT ALLOWS ME TIME IN THE EVENINGS TO VOLUNTEER AT THE GAY YOUTH SUPPORT LINE AND TO TRAIN FOR AIDS RIDE ON THE WEEKENDS.
AND THEN OF COURSE I, UH HELP OUT AT CHURCH.
OF COURSE.
HUH.
I'M IMPRESSED.
LISTEN TO ME GOING ON ABOUT MYSELF.
UH, WHAT ABOUT YOU? TELL ME WHAT YOU DO.
ME? MM-HMM.
TED? HMM? WHERE'D YOU JUST GO? OH, UH NOWHERE.
I WAS, UH JUST THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.
SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU DO? I, UH WORK IN COMPUTERS.
UM, SALES? PROGRAMMING? I RUN MY OWN DOT-COM COMPANY.
REALLY? AN ENTREPRENEUR.
SO, UH, WHAT KIND OF COMPANY IS IT? YOU KNOW.
DEALING WITH PEOPLE'S NEEDS.
YOU MIGHT CALL IT RELIEF WORK.
SOMEHOW I I KNEW YOU'D DO SOMETHING THAT INVOLVED HELPING OTHERS.
A SURPRISE PARTY? SO WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO? DO? YEAH, YOU KNOW, AFTER EVERYONE JUMPS OUT OF THE WOODWORK AND SCREAMS "SURPRISE"? I DON'T KNOW.
I I THOUGHT WE'D SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" AND CUT THE CAKE, OPEN PRESENTS.
ANY THOUGHT OF NUDITY AND DRUGS? THIS ISN'T ONE OF YOUR AFFAIRS.
BESIDES, I'M NOT ROLLING IN DOUGH.
I CAN'T AFFORD SOME ELABORATE PARTY.
SWEETHEART, YOU DON'T NEED A LOT OF MONEY, YOU JUST NEED A THEME.
WHAT'S, UH, WHAT'S BEN INTO? YOGA, BUDDHISM.
Brian: OH, WE CAN MEDITATE! THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
OKAY, GIVE ME A MINUTE HERE.
LET ME THINK, LET ME THINK.
OKAY, OKAY, IT'S COMING TO ME.
I'M GETTING AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE DO A GEISHA-SUSHI- "MISS-SAIGONY" KIND OF THING? WE CAN TRANSFORM BEN'S APARTMENT INTO A FAR EASTERN FANTASMAGORIA WITH COLOURED LANTERNS AND, UM LITTLE PAGODAS.
YEAH.
BETTER YET, WHY DON'T YOU BUY A BOTTLE OF SAKE AND A COPY OF THE KAMA SUTRA AND FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT? IT'LL BE CHEAPER.
Emmett: HONEY, YOU JUST LEAVE IT TO ME.
I'LL MAKE SURE IT IS A PARTY THAT'S UNFORGETTABLE.
WHO'S HAVING A PARTY? NOBODY.
MUSTN'T BE MUCH OF A GUEST LIST.
BEN'S BIRTHDAY.
AND MICHAEL'S GOING TO THROW HIM A FAR EASTERN FANTASMAGORIA.
THAT'S NICE.
[ Ringing of order bell .]
Man: HEY, DEB, YOUR ORDER'S UP.
ORDER'S UP.
GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HER FOR? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO KEEP IT A SECRET? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HER TO GIVE ME ANY MORE SHIT ABOUT BEN.
MAYBE IF YOU INVITED HER WHAT FOR? SHE WOULDN'T COME ANYWAY.
Lindsay: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING? BRIAN DOESN'T BELIEVE IN BIRTHDAYS, NOT EVEN HIS OWN.
Melanie: WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT? HE ALMOST KILLED HIMSELF WHEN HE TURNED 30.
WHO'S TALKING ABOUT HIS BIRTHDAY? WE'RE TALKING ABOUT JUSTIN'S.
WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM WITH TURNING 19? HE BELIEVES IN CELEBRATING ACCOMPLISHMENTS, NOT SENTIMENTAL RITUALS.
Melanie: OH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
WHAT THE HELL DID HE DO, BRAINWASH YOU? EVERYBODY DESERVES A LITTLE ATTENTION ON THEIR BIRTHDAY.
ESPECIALLY FROM THE PERSON THEY LOVE.
[ Giggling .]
WELL, IF BRIAN'S NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING, WE WILL.
YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE, UH, GO TO DINNER AND A MOVIE? OH, THAT'S NOT VERY SPECIAL, WE CAN DO THAT ANYTIME.
Melanie: OKAY, LET'S THROW A PARTY.
I HATE PARTIES.
HE HATES PARTIES.
BESIDES, MICHAEL'S ALREADY GIVING BEN ONE.
I KNOW.
YOU'RE COMING WITH US, SATURDAY AFTERNOON.
WHERE? A FRIEND OF MINE WHO TEACHES IN THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT AT YOUR SCHOOL INVITED US TO A VIOLIN RECITAL.
A VIOLIN RECITAL? SHE SAID THE STUDENT WHO'S PLAYING IS A GENIUS.
I'M NOT REALLY INTO CLASSICAL MUSIC.
Melanie: OH, MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU EXPOSED YOURSELF TO A HIGHER FORM OF CULTURAL EXPRESSION THAN THE THUMPA-THUMPA AT BABYLON.
WELL, IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO, DON'T FORCE HIM.
ALTHOUGH SHE ALSO SAID HE'S REALLY CUTE.
[ Giggling .]
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? AHH.
THESE ARE FOR YOU.
BUT IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, IT'S BETTER TO GIVE.
WELL, RECEIVING'S NOT TOO BAD EITHER.
MMMM.
YOU KNOW, WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF YOUR BIRTHDAY YES, WHILE WE'RE ON IT, PLEASE, NOTHING SPECIAL.
LET'S JUST KEEP IT SIMPLE AND LOW-KEY, OKAY? SIMPLE AND LOW-KEY IT IS.
I THOUGHT WE COULD GO TO DINNER.
SOMEPLACE EASY AND CASUAL, NOTHING FANCY.
HOW ABOUT THE LIBERTY DINER? NOT THAT CASUAL.
[ Chuckle .]
HOW ABOUT I MEET YOU AT YOUR PLACE? UM, WHAT TIME DO YOU GET HOME? AH, IF I HAD MY DAMN PALM I COULD TELL YOU FOR SURE, BUT LET'S SEE, I'VE GOT CLASSES TILL 4:00, THEN THE DOCTOR'S, THEN YOGA, SO I'D SAY AROUND 7:00.
UM, NO, YOU BETTER MAKE IT 7:30.
PERFECT.
Man: BEN.
HEY, PAUL.
AH! HOW ARE YOU DOING, BABY? MM, GOOD.
YEAH, AND YOU? AH, NO COMPLAINTS.
PAUL, THIS IS MICHAEL.
OH, MICHAEL.
I HEARD YOU WERE SEEING SOMEONE.
WORD TRAVELS FAST.
AROUND HERE? UH, LISTEN, UH, WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER.
WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME SOME TIME? I WILL, I'LL DO THAT.
GOOD.
SEE YOU, MICHAEL.
SEE YOU.
NICE GUY.
OH, YEAH, HE'S HE'S A SWEETHEART.
ACTUALLY, HE AND I WERE TOGETHER ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.
OH.
NO, WE STAYED FRIENDS, AL ALTHOUGH AT THE TIME IT WASN'T THAT EASY.
WAIT, ISN'T THAT ABOUT THE TIME THAT YOU FOUND OUT YOU WERE POSITIVE, YEAH.
HE'S THE ONE WHO INFECTED ME.
HOLY FUCK.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S IT'S OKAY.
HE DIDN'T KNOW AND I-I SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE CAREFUL.
ANYWAY, I'VE, UH I'VE FORGIVEN HIM.
THE MAN IS PERFECT.
THERE'S NO OTHER EXPLANATION.
HOW ELSE COULD YOU FORGIVE THE GUY WHO INFECTED YOU? [ Snort .]
TRY NUTS.
IF IT WERE ME, I'D WANT TO KILL HIM.
BEN'S NOT LIKE THAT.
HE'S MANAGED TO FREE HIMSELF FROM ALL THE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE THAT THE REST OF US CARRY AROUND.
I WONDER HOW HE DOES IT? Emmett: MY GUESS, HE SINGS A LOT OF SHOW TUNES.
YOU WEREN'T DOING SUCH A BAD JOB, BELTING THEM OUT.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOUR DUET WITH THE BOY INGENUE? AH, YOU MEAN SAINT LUKE? SOMETHING TELLS ME YOUR INTEREST IN HIM ISN'T ENTIRELY SPIRITUAL.
HE IS THE SWEETEST, THE KINDEST, THE SEXIEST, MOST ADORABLE GUY I'VE EVER MET.
SO WHAT DOES HE THINK ABOUT YOU? HE THINKS I RUN A RELIEF ORGANIZATION.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? YEAH.
ME, THE RED CROSS AND THE UNICEF.
AND HOW, PRAY, DID HE GET THAT IMPRESSION? OH, HE ASKED ME WHAT I DID, AND I, UH LIED? WHY THE HELL D'YOU DO THAT? HE'S A CHURCH-GOING ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER WHO DOES CHARITY WORK, FOR FUCK' SAKE.
I MEAN, WHAT WOULD HE THINK IF I TOLD HIM I'M THE CEO OF JERKATWORK.
NET? WELL, IF HE'S AS PERFECT AS YOU SAY, HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T CARE.
Emmett: [ Groan .]
WELL, BOYS YOU DATE YOUR SAINTS, I'LL STICK TO THE SINNERS.
IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES.
COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST HAVE A CAKE? I DON'T NEED ANY CAKE.
I GAINED THREE OUNCES LAST WEEK.
NOW WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF MY BACK? I HAVE A SHITLOAD OF WORK TO DO.
HEY, YOU LOOK SPIFFY.
A NEW SPORT COAT? YEP.
MY MOM GOT IT FOR ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
DIDN'T YOUR DADDY EVER TEACH YOU HOW TO TIE A TIE? NO, HE WAS TOO BUSY KICKING ME OUT AND BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
WELL, NEITHER DID MINE.
HE WAS TOO BUSY REGRETTING THE DAY I WAS BORN.
COME HERE.
[ ?????? .]
THIS ISN'T THE BIRTHDAY SUIT I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU IN.
[ Chuckle .]
THERE, NOW.
GO GET SOME CULTURE.
DON'T WORK TOO HARD.
[ ?????? .]
I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU.
[ ?????? .]
DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.
FEW DO.
IT'S OBVIOUS HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM.
YET YOU WON'T CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAY BECAUSE YOU DON'T CONSIDER IT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.
WELL, ISN'T IT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT THAT HE'S ALIVE AND WELL? ISN'T THAT ENOUGH REASON TO CELEBRATE? [ ?????? .]
?? I SPENT SUCH A LONG TIME ?? ?? WONDERING WHY ?? [ Sliding of door .]
[ Violin ?????? .]
I FOUND IT.
I WORE IT TO THE WHAT-A-DRAG BALL IN '89.
I WENT AS CHO-CHO-SAN.
[ Chuckle .]
YOUR MOTHER WENT AS PINKERTON.
I PROMISED EMMETT HE COULD BORROW IT FOR THE PARTY.
IT WILL MAKE A FABULOUS HOSTESS GOWN.
HE'LL BE STUNNING.
JUST DON'T BE LATE.
AND DON'T YOU BE NERVOUS.
I JUST WANT EVERY- THING TO COME OFF AS PLANNED, YOU KNOW, FOR BEN.
IT'LL BE THE SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON.
WHAT'S THE SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON? THE HOMO HOP AT BABYLON? BEN'S SURPRISE PARTY.
OH.
[ Clearing of throat .]
I WAS JUST TELLING VIC NOT TO BE LATE.
UH-HUH.
YOU KNOW IF YOU WANT TO COME AH, THAT'S OKAY.
I GOT PLANS.
I'M I'M, UH, I-I'M GOING TO THE MOVIES WITH MY MY MY FRIEND ROSIE.
B-BUT PLEASE, WISH HIM MANY HAPPY RETURNS FOR ME.
I WILL.
AND I'LL BE SURE TO GIVE THIS TO EMMETT.
THANKS.
SEE YOU, MICHAEL.
YOU HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO ROSIE IN 12 YEARS.
WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW, SHE MAY CALL.
HERE, HELP ME WITH THIS.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT WHERE MICHAEL AND BEN ARE CONCERNED.
DO YOU SEE ME GIVING HIM ANY GRIEF? I DON'T SEE YOU GIVING HIM ANY JOY.
I AGREED TO TOLERATE IT, NOT ENDORSE IT.
WELL MAYBE YOU COULD UP YOUR COMMITMENT A NOTCH.
YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT, BEN'S BEEN A POSITIVE INFLUENCE ON HIM.
POSITIVE.
EXACTLY.
AND DESPITE ALL OF YOUR DARKEST FEARS AND DIRE PREDICTIONS, THEY BOTH SEEM TO BE DOING JUST FINE.
SO, WHY NOT BE A SPORT AND MAKE THE KID HAPPY? Melanie: WAS HE AMAZING OR WHAT? Lindsay: AND TO THINK THAT HE'S SO YOUNG.
HE STARTED PLAYING WHEN HE WAS FOUR.
HE STUDIED WITH THE GREAT ANDREI VISHNEVSKI.
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CLASSICAL MUSIC.
I READ THE PROGRAMME.
I THINK WE'RE WITNESSING A CONVERSION EXPERIENCE.
ANOTHER LESBIAN SUCCESS STORY.
OH, THERE'S SUSAN.
I'D BETTER THANK HER FOR THE TICKETS.
[ Mixed chatter .]
I JUST WANTED TO SAY I THOUGHT YOU WERE GREAT.
THE RAVEL WAS PASSABLE, BUT THE BRAHMS WAS FOR SHIT.
I DIDN'T NOTICE.
YEAH WELL, YOU SHOULD'VE.
IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT.
ME? YES.
THE WAY YOU WERE STARING AT ME WAS VERY DISTRACTING.
I'M SORRY.
ALTHOUGH NOT NECESSARILY IN A BAD WAY.
HUH.
YEAH, I'M JUSTIN.
ETHAN.
I KNOW.
WHAT'S THIS? OH, IT'S NOTHING.
LET ME SEE.
IT'S ME IN FIVE VARIATIONS.
HUH.
IT'S A HABIT.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T STOP MYSELF.
HUH! IT'S THE SIGN OF A TRUE ARTIST.
I PLAY IN MY SLEEP.
YOU GO TO SCHOOL HERE, RIGHT? VISUAL ARTS.
YEAH, I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED YOU.
SOME FRIENDS BROUGHT ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
HELLO.
HERE.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
IT'S YOUR OWN CD.
YEAH, I MADE IT MYSELF.
A COUPLE OF MOZART SONATAS, A DEBUSSY, A LITTLE BERNSTEIN.
HUH, NICE PHOTO.
[ Chuckle .]
YEAH WELL, NEXT TIME, I'M GOING TO USE ONE OF THESE.
DO.
Man: ETHAN.
HI, HOW'RE YOU DOING? [ Mixed chatter .]
[ Moans/sighs .]
[ ?????? .]
YOU ARE A WONDERFUL LOVER, TED.
YOU'RE SO NICE, SO SINCERE SO HONEST.
I FELT IMMEDIATELY THAT YOU'RE SOMEONE I COULD TRUST.
HUH.
[ Stammering .]
REMEMBER, UH, WHEN YOU ASKED ME WHAT I DID AND THEN I SAID I I WORKED IN COMPUTERS? MM-MM, AND THAT YOU'RE A SERVICE PROVIDER FOR A RELIEF ORGANIZATION.
YEAH, UM W-WELL, THAT'S THAT'S NOT COM- PLETELY ACCURATE, ALTHOUGH I CAN UNDERSTAND FROM HOW INTENTIONALLY AMBIGUOUS I WAS ABOUT MY JOB DESCRIPTION THAT YOU MIGHT ASSUME THAT, UH THAT I SHIP FOOD AND CLOTHING TO WAR-TORN REGIONS OF THE GLOBE, WHEN IN FACT, UH THE SERVICE I PROVIDE [ Clearing of throat .]
IT'S A PORN SITE.
AND, UH, THE RELIEF COMES FROM WELL, I'M SURE YOU CAN FIGURE OUT THE REST.
[ Ticking of clock .]
I GUESS WE'D BETTER GET DRESSED.
NO, WAIT.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO TELL ME? WELL, YEAH, I-I, YOU KNOW, I-I THOUGHT AFTER EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT NO, NO.
I-I'VE EVEN BEEN ON THEM MYSELF.
COUPLE OF TIMES.
YOU HAVE? MM-HMM.
AND YOU DON'T MIND? NO.
NO.
LOOK.
YOU'RE WHAT MATTERS.
[ Sigh .]
IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
[ Violin ?????? on CD .]
HOOKED ON CLASSICS, ARE WE? YEAH, AND THE GUY THAT PLAYED THE VIOLIN, I WISH YOU COULD'VE BEEN THERE, HE WAS HE WAS INCREDIBLE.
INCREDIBLE, EH? YOU KNOW, IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO EXPOSE YOURSELF TO SOME CULTURE.
I'VE EXPOSED MYSELF TO A LITTLE CULTURE.
THERE WAS AN OBOE PLAYER I MET AT THE BATHS ONCE.
[ Moan .]
[ ?????? .]
ARE YOU UP FOR ANOTHER BIRTHDAY TREAT? NO WAY.
HUH.
NO FUCKING WAY.
I KNEW IT.
ALL THAT BULLSHIT ABOUT NOT DOING BIRTHDAYS.
YOU WERE JUST GOING TO SURPRISE ME.
OH-H.
WHAT IS IT? THIS WAY, YOUNG MAN.
I'M GOING TO TRIP.
[ Yelp .]
OH-H HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR PRESENT? HE LOOKS JUST LIKE THAT UNDER- WEAR MODEL YOU LIKE, DOESN'T HE? ARE YOU GOING TO UNWRAP IT? [ Banging of gong .]
WELCOME, KIND GENTLEMEN.
PLEASE ENTER.
I AM YOUR HOSTESS FOR THE EVENING.
[ Shy giggle .]
EMMETT, IS THAT YOU? YEAH, HONEY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU PUT THE "GAY" BACK IN GEISHA.
COME ON, HURRY UP AND GET IN.
OH! HE'S GOING TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
Emmett: [ Gasps of excitement .]
UH, MICHAEL, EM BUTTERFLY THIS IS LUKE.
UH, LUKE, RIGHT.
WE, UH, WE MET AT THE CHURCH OF THE HOLY SHOW TUNE.
Luke: RIGHT.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, LUKE.
JESUS.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A DREAM I HAD AFTER I ATE SOME BAD MOO GOO GAI PAN.
YEAH, IT WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE A FEW RED LANTERNS.
OKAY, SO I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.
UH COME ON IN, HAVE SOME SAKE AND CORN DOODLES.
I KIND OF BLEW MY FOOD BUDGET ON THE ROOM.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
OH.
MEL, LINZ THIS IS LUKE.
OH, SO YOU'RE THE FAMOUS LUKE THAT TED'S BEEN RAVING ABOUT.
TED THINKS YOU'RE PRETTY TERRIFIC.
WE THINK TED'S PRETTY TERRIFIC TOO.
TELL HIM MORE.
TELL HIM MORE.
I'LL GO GET SOME SAKE.
[ Knocking on door .]
UNCLE VIC.
ON TIME, JUST LIKE YOU SAID.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, I, UH BROUGHT ALONG A FRIEND.
THE MORE THE MERRIER.
MA, YOU CAME.
YEAH WELL, MY MY FRIEND ROSIE CALLED AND CANCELLED AT THE LAST MINUTE.
AND, UH, SINCE I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO, I WELL, I'M REALLY GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
AND I'M SURE BEN WILL BE TOO.
LISTEN, BABY, AS LONG AS HE'S GOOD TO YOU, THE LEAST I CAN DO IS WISH HIM A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
AND MANY MORE.
BUT IT'S TRUE, TED'S JUST BEEN RAVING ABOUT YOU.
I DON'T THINK I'VE HEARD ANYONE USE "EST" MORE TIMES IN ONE SENTENCE.
THE NICEST, THE CUTEST, THE SWEETEST.
HE THINKS YOU'RE VERY SPECIAL.
YOU GOTTA BE, CONSIDERING WHAT HE DOES.
THE DICK CHANNEL, ALL DICK ALL THE TIME.
WELL, THIS IS BY FAR THE MOST INTER- ESTING DISCUSSION IN THE ROOM.
WE'RE JUST SAYING HOW GREAT IT IS THAT LUKE'S SO OPEN-MINDED ABOUT TED'S PORN SITE.
NOT EVERYONE WOULD BE.
WELL, I ADMIRE SOMEONE WHO'S PASSIONATE ABOUT WHAT HE DOES.
OH, HE'S PASSIONATE, ALL RIGHT.
EATS, DRINKS, SLEEPS PORN, 24-7.
PORN, PORN, PORN.
All: [ Chuckling .]
Melanie: OH, OUR LITTLE ENTREPRENEUR IS NOT GOING TO STOP THERE.
Lindsay: HE'S FAR TOO AMBITIOUS FOR THAT.
MM, I'M SURE HE'S GOT LIKE, A DOZEN OTHER WEBSITES PLANNED.
Melanie: FILM STUDIO.
EVEN A THEME PARK.
SAKE? OH, UH, NO THANKS.
I-I DON'T DRINK.
IS HE THE KINDEST, THE SWEETEST, THE CUTEST? WHAT'D I TELL YOU? WHICH I GUESS MAKES ME ABOUT THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING UP THE STEPS.
IT'S HIM, EVERYBODY HIDE! [ Gasps/yelps .]
[ Mixed chatter/chuckles .]
Emmett: HURRY.
THIS IS IT.
All: SURPRISE! [ Blowing of horns .]
SURPRISE.
All: [ Moaning .]
Michael: IT'S 7:20.
YOU DON'T SHOW UP FASHIONABLY LATE FOR A SURPRISE PARTY.
WELL, WE WERE BUSY HAVING OUR OWN LITTLE CELEBRATION.
Melanie: YOU HAD A CELEBRATION? BRIAN CAME THROUGH AFTER ALL.
YEAH, HE GOT ME A HUSTLER.
WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? [ Opening of door .]
HE'S COMING.
THIS TIME IT'S REALLY HIM.
EVERYBODY HIDE.
All: [ Shushing .]
[ Clatter of objects .]
SHHH! All: SURPRISE! [ Blowing of horns .]
LOOK, WE WE REALLY SURPRISED HIM.
WE REALLY SURPRISED YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I CALLED ALL YOUR FRIENDS.
HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL MY FRIENDS? WELL I BORROWED THIS.
Various: OH NO [ Laughter .]
OKAY, YOU'VE HAD THIS ALL THIS TIME? I'M THE CULPRIT.
YOU HAD NO RIGHT, MICHAEL.
WELL, I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? Ben: I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT A PARTY.
I DON'T WANT TO CELEBRATE MY GODDAMN BIRTHDAY.
FINALLY, A MAN WITH THE RIGHT ATTITUDE.
BUT, BEN, ALL YOUR FRIENDS OH YEAH, MY FRIENDS.
[ Scoffing .]
YEAH, I WANT MY FRIENDS OUT OF HERE NOW.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND? [ Closing of door .]
[ Mixed murmurs .]
AND THIS IS THE GUY WHO'S GOOD FOR MY SON.
AFTER ALL I WENT THROUGH TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL, TO SURPRISE HIM, TO MAKE HIM HAPPY, HOW COULD HE HUMILIATE ME IN FRONT OF EVERYONE LIKE THAT? HEY, WILL YOU SLOW DOWN? AND HERE I AM, THINKING HE'S SO WISE AND SO TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW, THAT HE LIVES ON SOME HIGHER SPIRITUAL PLANE THAN THE REST OF US POOR, DUMB MORTALS.
BOY, DID HE HAVE ME FOOLED.
WAS I FUCKING STUPID.
HEY, ARE YOU FINISHED? WHY? YOU IN A HURRY TO PICK SOMEONE UP? NO, I'M JUST TIRED OF HEARING YOU PLAY "VARIATIONS ON THE THEME OF POOR LITTLE MIKEY".
OH, I'M SO SORRY I BORE YOU.
WELL THEN, TRY ANOTHER SONG.
WHAT DID I DO? BESIDES THROW HIM A GODDAMN PARTY? NEVER MIND.
FORGET IT.
GO TO WOODY'S.
GET DRUNK.
THROW UP.
PASS OUT.
YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER IN THE MORNING.
NO, TELL ME.
YOU WANT TOO MUCH.
YOU EXPECT TOO MUCH.
AND THEN WHEN YOUR HERO DISAPPOINTS YOU, YOUR POOR LITTLE HEART GETS CRUSHED.
SO WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE? TO EXPECT NOTHING? TO WANT NOTHING LIKE YOU? OH, UH, JACK AND GILLES, UH, ROLF FROM DUSSELDORF IS ONLINE.
HE WANTS YOU TWO TO DO A LITTLE DOUBLE-HEADED DILDO ACTION.
DANKE.
HEY.
WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.
[ Chuckling .]
MMM.
BETTER THAN NICE.
MM.
DID I COME AT A BAD TIME? AROUND HERE, NO SUCH THING.
[ Chuckling .]
HEY, LET ME GIVE YOU THE V.
I.
P.
TOUR.
SO, THIS IS MY LITTLE KINGDOM.
OVER HERE, YOU SEE THE BOYS, DOING THEIR LITTLE THING WITH THEIR BIG THINGS.
OH, EASY, GUYS.
YOU'VE GOT 15 TO GO, SO PACE YOURSELVES, PACE YOURSELVES.
GOD, YOU ARE JUST THE CUTEST.
MMM! BOY, IF MY MEMBERS GOT ONE LOOK AT YOU, HMM! UH, DON'T WORRY.
NOBODY GETS YOU BUT ME.
Performers: [ Moaning of pleasure .]
WHAT? I, UH I CAME TO TELL YOU, I-I THINK WE'RE MOVING TOO FAST.
TOO FAST? IN FACT, I I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE.
[ Scoffing .]
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT? WHY? Performers: [ Gasps of exertion .]
IT'S BECAUSE OF THIS, ISN'T IT? LOOK I THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
I TRIED NOT TO LET IT.
LOOK, I-I EVEN TOLD MYSELF IT'S JUST A JOB, LIKE ANY OTHER JOB.
YOU'RE PROVIDING A A SERVICE.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
Performers: [ Grunts of effort .]
[ Slapping of flesh .]
THAT'S NOT ALL IT IS.
[ Stammering .]
N-NO W-WAIT, WAIT!.
PLEASE, DON'T MAKE THIS MORE DIFFICULT LOOK, I'M WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.
OKAY? ANYTHING.
YOU NAME IT.
I'LL GIVE IT UP.
NO.
NO, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO GIVE UP DOING WHAT YOU LOVE.
LOOK, BESIDES IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
IT'S MINE.
THEN WE'LL WORK ON IT TOGETHER.
I'M SORRY, TED.
ALL RIGHT, EASY, GUYS.
PACE YOURSELVES.
PACE YOURSELVES.
SO HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE LEDA'S GOFERS? [ Snorting .]
SHE'S DOING US A FAVOUR.
Lindsay: WE HAD TO VOLUNTEER.
YEAH WELL, NEXT TIME, DO YOURSELVES A FAVOUR AND ME.
HIRE A PROFESSIONAL.
YEAH, YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT, HUH? SHIT, I LEFT MY CREDIT CARD.
YOU'RE SURE? BE RIGHT BACK.
SO, I HEAR YOU FINALLY BROKE DOWN AND GOT JUSTIN SOME- THING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
A HUSTLER.
YEAH.
HE REALLY GOT OFF ON IT.
JUST WHAT HE NEEDS, TO GET LAID.
I DIDN'T HEAR HIM COMPLAINING.
OF COURSE NOT, HE WOULDN'T DARE.
THEN WHY ARE YOU? BECAUSE.
I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO ISN'T.
YOU MIGHT'VE GIVEN HIM SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE THOUGHTFUL.
WOULD YOU SAVE THE JEWISH MOTHER GUILT TRIP FOR MY SON? AH, FUCK OFF, BRIAN.
I'M JUST TRYING TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT HE WANTS.
AND WHAT DOES HE WANT, MAMA? SOMETHING ROMANTIC.
JESUS CHRIST, WHAT DO YOU THINK WE ARE? A COUPLE OF DYKES? YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.
MAYBE I SHOULD SEND HIM A DOZEN ROSES.
WHY NOT? BECAUSE, HE'S NOT MY WIFE.
WE'RE NOT MARRIED, AND WE'RE NOT STRAIGHT.
COULDN'T YOU BEND YOUR HOLIER-THAN-THOU "I'M GAY AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK" PRINCIPLES JUST ONCE? LET HIM KNOW YOU CARE.
I THOUGHT HE DID.
Lindsay: GOT IT.
[ Violin ?????? .]
I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE MAINTENANCE GUY, THERE'S NO HEAT.
SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
MAYBE THINGS WILL WARM UP, NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE.
[ Chuckle .]
I WAS, UM I WAS JUST CUTTING THROUGH THE MUSIC BUILDING, AND I HEARD SOMEONE PLAYING.
THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE YOU.
SO, I POPPED MY HEAD IN AND AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, YOU FOUND ME.
YOU WANT SOME TEA? NO.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO PLAY PAGANINI'S "CANTABILE OPUS 17 IN D MAJOR" WHEN THERE'S ICE FORMING ON YOUR BOW.
I-I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU FOR THE CD.
YOU LISTENED TO IT? SIX TIMES.
YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.
I KNOW.
HOW WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY? DID YOU HAVE A BIG PARTY? UM, NOT REALLY.
MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T THINK BEING BORN IS A REASON TO CELEBRATE.
OH.
WELL THAT SUCKS.
I DIDN'T REALLY WANT ONE ANYWAY.
NO, I MEAN THAT YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
OH.
BECAUSE IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND, I'D GIVE YOU A BIRTHDAY YOU'D NEVER FORGET.
HUH! LIKE WHAT? LIKE FIRST I'D BRING YOU BREAKFAST IN BED.
AND THEN I'D PLAY FOR YOU ONE OF RAVEL'S VALSE NOBLE E SENTIMENTALE, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I PICTURE YOU, NOBLE AND SENTIMENTAL.
AND THEN WE'D MAKE LOVE A COUPLE HUNDRED TIMES.
HUH.
ALL THAT BEFORE LUNCH? YES.
BUT I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
I GOTTA GET BACK TO CLASS.
[ Knocking on door .]
I'VE MISSED YOU THE LAST FEW NIGHTS.
YEAH, WELL, I THOUGHT IT'D BE BEST IF I SLEPT ALONE.
IN FACT, I THINK I OUGHT TO SLEEP ALONE FROM NOW ON.
MICHAEL PLEASE.
I KNOW I GOT A LITTLE UPSET AT THE PARTY A LITTLE UPSET? YOU WERE A FUCKING MONSTER, HUMILIATING ME, HUMILIATING YOURSELF.
I KNOW THAT TOO.
AND AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE I WENT THROUGH FOR YOU.
I KNOW.
I KNOW.
WELL, I WON'T BE DOING THAT AGAIN.
I MEAN, NOT THAT IT MATTERS, 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK WE'RE GOING TO BE SPENDING ANY MORE BIRTHDAYS TOGETHER.
MY T-CELLS WENT DOWN.
WHAT? AND MY VIRAL LOAD'S BACK UP.
HOW UP? THAT'S WHERE I WAS BEFORE I CAME HOME.
AT THE DOCTOR'S, GETTING THE RESULTS.
THE COCKTAIL'S NOT WORKING.
THE VIRUS HAS BECOME RESISTANT.
WELL, CAN'T THEY CHANGE THE DRUGS? THEY ALREADY HAVE.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU SMOKE? SINCE I'M NERVOUS, MICHAEL.
WOULD YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? PLEASE, I'M NOT PERFECT, YOU KNOW? YEAH, I'M FINDING THAT OUT.
WELL, GOD KNOWS, I HAVE TRIED.
EASTERN RELIGION, MEDITATION, YOGA, YOU NAME IT, I'VE PRACTICED IT.
HOPING TO ACHIEVE SOME STATE OF INNER HARMONY.
AND THEN THIS HAPPENS, AND I REALIZE THE ONLY THING I HAVE ACHIEVED IS TO CONVINCE MYSELF I BELIEVE ALL THIS BULLSHIT.
IT'S NOT BULLSHIT.
I HURT YOU, MICHAEL.
I HURT THE ONE PERSON WHO MEANS MORE TO ME THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD.
AND THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR IT.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S JUST NO EXCUSE AT ALL.
SURE THERE IS.
YOU'RE HUMAN.
[ ?????? .]
[ Violin ?????? .]
THOSE ARE NICE.
SHALL I WRAP THEM FOR YOU? NO.
THANKS.
[ ?????? .]
?? THE YELLOW WALLS ARE LINED WITH PORTRAITS ?? ?? AND I'VE GOT MY NEW RED FETCHING LEATHER JACKET ?? ?? ALL THESE POSES, SUCH BEAUTIFUL POSES ?? ?? MAKE CITY BOY FEEL LIKE PICKING UP ROSES ?? ?? THERE'S NEVER BEEN SUCH GRAVER MATTER ?? ?? AS WHEN WEARING OUR NEW BRAND NAME BLACK SUNGLASSES ?? ?? ALL THESE POSES, SUCH BEAUTIFUL POSES ?? ?? MAKE CITY BOY FEEL AS PRETTY AS PRINCES ?? ?? THE GREEN AUTUMNAL PARK'S CONDUCTING ?? ?? AND THE CITY STREET'S A WONDROUS CHORUS ?? ?? SEEING ALL THESE POSES OH, HOW CAN YOU BLAME ME? ?? ?? LIFE IS A GAME AND TRUE LOVE IS A TROPHY ?? ?? AND YOU SAY ?? ?? WATCH MY HEAD ABOUT IT ?? ?? BABY YOU SAY ?? ?? WATCH MY HEAD ABOUT IT ?? ?? MY HEAD ABOUT IT ?? ?? OH NO, OH NO, OH NO ??