The Golden Girls (1985) s02e16 Episode Script

Good morning, Ma.
What are you eating? - Linguini with clam sauce.
- Who eats that for breakfast? Mother Teresa.
It's a recipe from her new workout book.
Good morning, girls.
What are you eating, Sophia? - Linguini with clam sauce.
- For breakfast? Morning.
What are you eating, Sophia? It's incredible.
on a peach, nobody would notice.
Ma, what's really going on? You don't usually eat pasta for breakfast.
I'm carbohydrate loading.
I signed up for the charity walkathon.
Ma, are you nuts? This is for people who walk a lot.
So what do I do, hover? I've been walking since 1904.
They have a category for people over 80.
I think it's a terrific idea.
- Maybe we ought to join.
- We already did.
- What did you say? - We already did.
I work all week.
I don't want to walk ten miles on a Saturday.
- We won't walk, we'll sit.
- Fine by me.
I like to sit.
We know.
It's your second-favourite position.
I don't mean sitting sitting, I mean baby-sitting.
Here, for the participants' children on race day.
Baby-sitting? I don't like other people's children in my house.
Not even my own children.
- What else can we do? - It'll be easy.
They're dropped off in the morning, picked up by four.
- Here's something.
How about sponging? - What's that? It says here, "Spongers help cool off the walkers by sponging and rubbing down their hot bodies as they pump their way through Miami.
" It doesn't make much sense.
Get 'em all hot and then cool them down.
I swear, sometimes you can read my mind.
- Let's stick to baby-sitting.
- I agree.
All right.
Only for one day.
This is gonna be great.
I love charities.
In fact, I helped establish the Henry Fjord Foundation.
The Fjord Foundation? Yes, Dorothy.
That's the man who built the Fjord Fjalcon.
Henry Fjord was a saint.
He dedicated his whole life to eliminating pond scum from Lake St Olaf.
His son, however, was a big disappointment.
Henry Fjord Junior.
He didn't want to follow in his father's footsteps.
He thought scum was beneath him.
I just realised the best reason of all - to join this walkathon.
- What's that, Ma? I'd get away from this ditz for a whole day.
Hi, Rose.
What are you doing? It's a variation on an old idea.
Home-made Mr Potato Heads.
You take a baked potato, give him two little raisin eyes, a carrot nose and a cucumber mouth.
Do you think we should give him some broccoli hair? Why not add a gold chain? We'll call it Sammy Potato Junior.
How did I let you talk me into this? Those kids will break everything.
Blanche, you are overreacting.
For two days, you've taken everything we own and put it up on high shelves.
- I'm off.
Wish me luck.
- Good luck, Sophia.
Ma, are you sure about this? I'm not even sure I have these pants on right.
I want you to go slow and pace yourself.
That's what I told your father.
All he did faster than eat was make love.
In both cases, before I was finished, he'd say, "I've had enough.
" I wish you'd help me.
Those little monsters will be here any minute.
Hi.
I'm Bob Henderson.
This is my son Norman.
Hi, Norman.
My name is Rose.
You ready to have some fun? Yes, ma'am.
Here's a list of Norman's likes and dislikes.
- These are only dislikes.
- Yeah, that's my Norman.
Fortunately, for today, he's your Norman.
Bye-bye.
Norman, I'd like you to meet my friends.
- This is Dorothy.
- Hello, Norman.
It's the bride of Frankenstein.
And I'm Blanche.
Can I interest you in arts and crafts? - This really bites.
- What would you like to do? I like army men.
There was a colonel here on Tuesday, but he went back to the base.
He means those little guys with the helmets.
I'm sorry, I only date officers.
Like to play with the potato head? Sure.
What do you feel like doing? That was fun.
You want to try it again? - Are the babies asleep yet? - They're pretending.
They're waiting to make fun of the way I change a diaper.
That's silly.
I bet they have only nice things to say about you.
Rose, I wasn't serious.
I know babies can't talk.
Yes, they can.
It's just that they're only understood by other babies.
And, of course, advanced civilizations far, far away.
Like where, Rose? Vero Beach? - Child, what are you doing? - Nothing.
You're ripping pages from our book.
Somebody should take a hickory switch to your behind.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Let me show you how a professional teacher deals with this.
Norman, why are you ripping the pages out of that book? Because my daddy's rich.
Do you know there are boys and girls less fortunate who have never even seen a book? Everybody's got their sad stories.
He's all yours, Blanche.
How about a game of hide-and-seek? - Sure.
- Yeah.
How about you, Norman? Isn't that outfit a little young for you? Come on, Norman, let's go.
- That boy hates me.
- No, he doesn't.
But he's right about the outfit.
Dorothy, you don't understand.
I've never felt comfortable around children.
And they can sense it.
I guess it's cos I was never really a child myself.
From the time I entered school, I behaved like a mature, young lady.
In fifth grade, my boyfriend had a fake ID.
I guess to relate to a child, it helps to have the mind of a child.
I'm the leader of the garbage man band Blanche, where would you get a crazy idea like that? I'm the leader of the garbage man band Come on, honey.
There's no reason to cry.
Your mommy's gonna be here soon.
Still no answer at her parents' house.
They should have been here hours ago.
Call the walkathon people again.
Blanche, they said they'd call if they had any information about her parents.
Why does she keep crying like that? She probably just misses her mother, and needs to hear a feminine voice.
And what was I doing? My Ben Gazzara impersonation? Let Blanche try.
We're not having any luck.
Me? Heavens, no.
I don't know anything about that.
No.
I can't.
I don't Look at that.
She likes me.
Thank God.
Emily, pack up your diapers, you're going home.
Ma.
Why didn't you use your key? I left it home.
It'd weigh me down.
Sophia.
How did you do? - Great.
Easily a personal best.
- Tell us what happened.
It was electric.
The starter fired his pistol and I left half my competition in the dust.
You were that fast? No, it was the over-80s.
Most of them dropped from fright.
You're kidding.
Please.
There's a natural build to these stories.
- Sorry.
- So, finally, the race was underway.
I start off slow.
I'm cagey, like a panther.
When the time is right, I pounce.
The crowd is on its feet.
"Sophia.
Sophia.
" My heart is pounding in my ears.
Then again, it always pounds in my ears.
I could see the finish line.
It was only 200-300 yards away.
And then it happened.
What every runner dreads.
- I hit the wall.
- Ma, you ran out of steam.
No, I actually hit a wall.
They put up a new Wendy's on Collins Avenue.
From what they told me, I staggered over the finish line and collapsed.
People are talking national magazine covers.
- Why's that kid still here? - Her parents haven't come yet.
Maybe they won't come back at all.
It happens.
Ma, don't be ridiculous.
You're just overly tired.
- Why don't you go to bed? - Good idea.
If that's Sports Illustrated, tell them to call back tomorrow.
Hello? Yes.
I see.
Yeah, I appreciate that.
Thank you.
- Emily's mom? - The walkathon people.
Everybody's left the staging area, there's no sign of Emily's parents.
- What do we do now? - I'm not sure, but I I think there's a possibility that Sophia might be right.
Maybe Emily has been abandoned.
Yes, officer, that's correct.
We've been trying to reach them all afternoon.
Sure, I can hold.
Every time I turn around, you're holding the baby.
It's amazing.
Every time I pick her up, she goes to sleep.
Don't.
The baby won't get used to sleeping alone.
You never get used to sleeping alone.
I haven't.
Please.
Siamese twins sleep alone more than you do.
- Who are you on the phone with? - The police, about the baby.
I see.
No, no, no.
No problem.
And that's the standard procedure? We'll have to discuss it and come to a decision.
- Thank you.
- What did he say? He said that since Emily's parents left her in our care, we have two options.
We can wait for the Children's Protective Services to call, which takes 48 hours, or we can take her in.
Take her in? Where? Around the inseam, Rose.
To the police.
Why should we take her to jail? She hasn't done anything.
Just because her parents abandoned her, does that mean we should, too? Being abandoned is the worst.
I know.
I was almost abandoned.
- Almost? - I was nine.
It was the last night of the Deep-Root Vegetable Carnival, and I was having the greatest time.
Eating candied turnips, guessing how many sweet potatoes were in the glass jar.
Bobbing for yams.
I had a knack of always coming up with the firmest, most appealing yams.
I was once told I had the firmest, most appealing gams.
Blanche, try and stay with us.
Anyway, the last time I surfaced, clutching a humdinger of a yam between my teeth, my parents were gone.
Frantically, I searched the carnival grounds.
I was convinced I'd spend the rest of my days with the bearded lady as my foster mother, and the man who hoses down the elephants as my dad.
Anyway, I was lost.
And scared.
But then I did what generations before me had done.
I gazed up into that dark night sky and found the bright star that could guide me home.
- The North Star.
- Actually, it was the Texaco star.
From a service station across the street.
Our farm was just down the road from it.
Rose, have you been washing the fruit off before you eat it? Listen, we have a decision to make.
What do we do about Emily? Nobody can raise this baby better than we can.
Fine.
But if she's gonna stay another couple of days, we'd better get more diapers and food.
- I'm thawing some pork chops.
- Honey.
She only has two teeth.
How is she supposed to eat a pork chop? Uncle Lester only had one tooth, and he could eat corn on the cob.
Of course, he didn't get a lot of it into his mouth.
So they'd cream what fell on his pants, and he'd eat it later.
You two go to the store.
I'll stay here with Emily.
Let's go to that all-night market on Maple.
Good idea, Dorothy.
Do you think it's open? - That's what all-night usually means.
- Of course.
Creamed what was left on his pants? We ought to go to that all-night market more often.
Why, Rose? They're so much more expensive.
Maybe so, but where else can you get beef jerky and Family Circle this time of night? Girls, please, keep it down.
The baby's asleep.
Isn't this amazing? When the diapers get dirty, the cute teddy bears disappear.
That's not amazing.
Whenever my kids' diapers got dirty, my husband disappeared.
I used to love to change diapers.
Face it, Rose.
You march to a different drummer.
I didn't hate changing diapers, but I was never any good at it.
Especially with the boys.
They always had dry bottoms but wet T-shirts, cos I forgot to point their little ooh-hoos south.
I didn't even think about that until Michael was at least six months old.
What's an ooh-hoo? It's a chocolate soft drink.
I never had one.
You know, if we had to, we could do a good job of raising Emily.
I don't know if we'd have the energy.
But we'd find it easier, after all we've been through.
- What have we been through? - Yellowstone Park, Rose.
Raising children.
My mother always used to say, "The older you get, the better you get.
Unless you're a banana.
" I think we ought to call up those Child Services people and tell them we want to raise Emily ourselves.
Don't be crazy.
I only said that hypothetically.
That if we had to, we could probably do it.
I didn't get to do those things with my kids.
I had a nanny do all that for me.
My child woke up on Christmas and went running to his nanny.
Children do that sort of thing, Blanche.
How about when they're 21, and still don't come to you because they think you weren't there for 'em? I have a pretty tough time living with that, you know.
And I just intend to make damn sure that if the time ever comes, there's gonna be somebody there for Emily.
Darling.
No, no, no, no, sweetheart.
Precious, don't cry, don't cry.
I'm here.
I'm here.
You're all right, you're all right.
You know, this reminds me of when I was a young mother.
Maybe it's because you look just a tad like my children.
Or maybe it's because I still look like I'm 27.
My, how those years did fly by.
Before I knew it, the children were cleaning out the attic for their own places.
While I tried to be happy for them, I was sadder than I ever remember being.
Why? I realized, too late, that I'd put myself ahead of my children.
I've never made up all the time I didn't spend with them.
Why am I telling you this? I don't know.
Maybe it's because, deep down, I wish you were really mine.
So I could try it again with what I now know.
- Is Emily all right? - Yes.
We're going to eat.
How do you know she wants to? She's licking her lips and staring at my chest.
Let's go in the kitchen so we don't wake Ma.
You're not gonna wake Sophia.
She is exhausted.
I didn't hear her, but I did hear Emily.
It's a lot nicer having a baby wake you up than a garbage man.
I never slept with one, I wouldn't know.
and you can't keep the kid quiet? - What do you think she needs? - A chin.
Ma, babies don't have chins.
It makes it easier to breast-feed.
You had a chin.
But then, we also showed home movies on your forehead.
- How are you feeling, Sophia? - My ear hurts.
You were in a walkathon.
Why should your ear hurt? Talking on the phone to hundreds of well-wishers.
I'm a sports celebrity.
- Who could that be at this hour? - Who do you think? The paparazzi.
Now I know why Sean Penn gets so ticked off.
- Can I help you? - Hi, I'm here to pick up Emily.
Child Services said we could keep her till Monday.
I'm not from Child Services.
I'm Emily's father.
- How do I know that? - I can see the resemblance.
Neither one of them can tell time.
Where the hell have you been? You dropped this child off yesterday and you didn't call.
- This is not a dry-cleaners.
- I did call.
Last night.
A woman said she'd just won the Ironman Triathlon.
I don't remember this guy calling.
You don't remember? I couldn't pick up Emily.
My wife just had triplets.
Triplets? I thought you said she had gimlets.
I figured if she wants to drink, it's her business.
- Your wife had triplets? - What are they? When three babies are born at the same time.
Look, I appreciate you all taking care of Emily.
Sorry if I caused any trouble.
She was no trouble.
She was a precious little angel.
It's time to go home now, Emily.
- It has been nice having you.
- Thanks again.
- You're welcome.
- Good luck.
Bye-bye, Emily.
- Blanche - I'm fine.
You didn't really think she could stay with us, did you? No.
She was just my last chance to prove that I could be a good mother and a friend.
No, she wasn't, Blanche.
Honey, you're still a mother.
Even though your kids are grown up act like they don't need you, they do.
I'm not so sure about that, Dorothy.
You're right, Dorothy.
And I'll tell you something else.
A mother sometimes needs her children even more.
Thank you, Ma.
That's very sweet.
- Give me $20.
- No.
Rose, did I say a mother needs a child? I meant roommate.
- Give me $20.
- What for? Seoul, Korea, 1988.
The Olympics.
I'd like to compete for the USA.
Contribute now, and I'll get you a Sophia lapel pin.
OK.
- Good luck.
We'll be watching.
- Thanks.
Dorothy, if Gladys calls, I can make bingo tonight.
Hello? Janet? This is Momma.
Hi.
Nothing's wrong.
Do I have to have a reason to call you? I just thought I'd call, see how you're doing.
Really? That's great.
You know, Janet, I was thinking.
Maybe I could just sneak away for a few days and come see you.
Middle of next week, maybe.
No, no, I understand.
I understand.
How about how about the next week? Then you pick a time.
Honey, I really do want to see you.
I think we have a lot to talk about, Janet.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately.
You mean this coming weekend? Sure I can.
All right.
All right, I'll see you then.
Janet? I love you, baby.
Bye-bye.