Everybody Hates Chris s02e17 Episode Script

As a kid, I loved listening to music.
I loved soul.
I loved rock.
And even the occasional polka.
But my favorite was hip-hop.
Rappers are the big stars now, but back then, it was the DJs.
DJ Jazzy Jeff actually had top billing over the Fresh Prince.
While the DJs did all the hard work, all the rappers did was say one thing.
Now scream! He went on to join Public Enemy as one of the guys who looked tough but was never allowed to rap.
We have a warrant for the arrest of Hilton Reed aka DJ Hilly Hill.
The first rule of breaking the law: If the cops are after you, don't stand under a sign with your name on it.
Why y'all arresting me, Jack? I pay my bills just like everybody else.
Cry me a river.
I have nothing to do with that Alpine in that Cadillac, either.
Yo, take care of my records, son.
We'll see you later, Jerome.
Hold on, hold on.
Y'all don't have to leave.
I know somebody here knows how to DJ.
I know how to DJ.
Little dude from across the street.
You're telling me you know how to rock the wheels of steel? Well, go ahead, then.
Turn the party out.
Hold on, everybody, hold on.
- Let me hold a dollar.
- He's charging me to help him? If you're telling the truth, I'll give it back.
Thanks.
Say "Go, little dude!" Now scream! Listen up.
I'm doing another party next Saturday.
You want to DJ? It pays a hundred dollars.
A hundred dollars? Yeah.
Cool.
Notice he didn't give me my dollar back.
Hip-hop was the biggest thing to hit Bed-Stuy since poverty, but it took a little longer to get to the white neighborhoods.
Hey, Chris, where are you going in such a hurry? Oh, I need to go buy turntables.
I got a job offer DJing a party.
DJ? You mean like Wolfman Jack? No, like Grandmaster Flash.
Grandmaster Flash.
Isn't he in the Justice League? No, the Furious Five.
Those look expensive.
Well, they're professional.
Yeah, but you're not.
Greg's future career as a motivational speaker didn't go very well.
Man, this is so cool.
White guys have to learn to play instruments to make records.
Black guys just have to play the records.
But the white man still gets all the money.
What are you going to call yourself? DJ Chrissy Chris.
Isn't Chrissy a girl's name? It's a black thing.
Like that badass black dude fromThree's Company.
While I was dreaming of being a cut creator, Drew was dreaming of being a prestidigitator.
Hi, I'm Marshall Brodien.
Most magic tricks are easy once you know the secret.
For example, have someone take a card like the six of hearts.
Tear it up into small pieces.
Have someone hold one of the pieces.
Place the others inside the box.
Close the box, tap it with a magic wand.
When you open the box, the card is back in one piece and the piece they're holding fits perfectly.
Take an ordinary piece of news Oh, what's that? Marshall Brodien.
He's my favorite magician.
Hey, Mom.
Could you take me to the toy store this week? What for? They're having free magic shows with Magician the Magician.
That's as lazy as me calling myself Comedian the Comedian.
And the first 25 people to get there get a free deck of Marshall Brodien's TV Magic Cards.
Oh, baby, I can't take you, I got to work.
But when your father wakes up, why don't you ask him? Maybe he could take you.
Now, wait a minute, Drew.
I don't want you fooling around with no black magic.
You hear me? I don't want to come home and see no pentagrams and dead goats and chickens and stuff like that.
Only good, clean white magic.
You hear me? Why not compromise and do Puerto Rican magic? Yes, ma'am.
Magician, huh? My mother didn't care about magic.
She just imagined how it could make her look good.
My boy is a football player.
He just got a scholarship to Rutgers.
My daughter is a doctor.
She just finished her first open-heart surgery.
And my son is a magician.
And he just made Bed-Stuy disappear.
You better tell him to bring it back 'cause I'm closing at 9:00.
Drew made my barrette disappear.
Drew, give your sister her barrette back.
All right.
Damn, he is good.
She's making sure he didn't take her ears.
Finding a pair of turntables was harder than I thought, because as it turns out, I wasn't the only DJ who wanted them.
Sorry, kid, Jam Master Jay just bought the last pair.
Sorry, kid, DJ Scott LaRock just bought the last pair.
Well, I'm sorry, uh, we just sold the last pair to this kid who called himself Funkmaster Flex.
Funkmaster Flex? Same thing I said.
Sounds like some kind of workout machine to me.
Yeah, for out-of-shape funky people.
Not gonna have any more in for at least another eight weeks.
But I need turntables by Saturday.
Let me show you something.
You got a big party going on or something? How about these? That's all you got? I can only imagine what kind of people would come to that party.
Now scream! That's not what they mean by old school.
While I was * in Hip Hop my dad was trying to avoid things that went hippity hop.
Hey, Dad, do you think you could take me to the magic show this week? I got a magic show for you.
I work two jobs seven days a week, and every day, my money disappears.
How's that for magic? But I want to get a set of TV Magic Cards.
You gonna make some money with this magic? If he gets good, he could make your "broke" disappear.
I don't know, but Doug Henning does.
What you going to do at this show? Everything.
Card tricks, sawing people in half, - pulling rabbits out of hats.
- Rabbits? Nobody in my family knew it at the time, but my father was only afraid of two things: being broke and rabbits.
It started in the '70s.
While everybody else was being scared by The Exorcist, my father was scared by another movie- Night of the Lepus.
Run, man! Can't your mother take you? She told me to ask you.
We'll have to see.
I might have to work.
Hey, maybe next time.
Sorry.
Now I know why he always rooted for Elmer Fudd to kill Bugs Bunny.
Back before people got ripped off by strangers on eBay, you got ripped off face-to-face at the pawn shop.
You are lucky.
These are the last two in the city.
They just came in.
All right, well, how much? $200? I won't have enough for albums.
Well, you could buy $200 worth of records and then spin them on your fingers.
All right.
Wait a minute.
This one's missing a stylus.
Oh, I didn't see that.
Okay, I'll knock off 20 bucks.
And I'll throw in The Art of the DJ.
The first and last issue.
Hey, Kill Moves.
Hey, Abe.
Listen.
How much can I get for this here? What is it? It's a Technics 1200 stylus.
Where'd you find that? Found it outside on the ground.
Must have fell off one of these turntables.
- I'll give you ten bucks.
- I'll give you 20.
Deal.
This is your brain on drugs.
Later, Chris.
He later traded that money for two dimes and a shiny nickel.
- So, you gonna throw in the stylus? - 30 bucks.
You just got it for 15.
This is America.
Supply, demand.
I usually got robbed like this in alleys.
Oh, hey, baby, here's your uniform.
Did Drew ask you to take him to a magic show? Yeah did you know there were going to be rabbits there? So? So I'm allergic.
To rabbits? Since when? I don't know.
Since I was a kid.
I mean- So if they're going to have rabbits there, I can't go.
Can't you take some allergy medicine or some 'Tussin? It's Robitussin, not Rabbit-tussin.
Look, Drew doesn't ask you for much.
All he wants you to do is to take him to a magic show.
A free magic show.
This is important to him.
You should be willing to wade through a pool of rabbits.
My father never went near a pool again.
Being a DJ was all about your tools.
If your tools were professional, you were professional.
And first on the list? A pair of Technics 1200s.
Check.
Mixer? Pair of professional headphones? Kangol? Shell toe Adidas? Looks like my hopes and dreams are about to get crushed by the wheels of steel.
I went back to the pawn shop with the supply, hoping Abe would meet my demand.
Hey, Abe.
That's a lot of stuff.
What do you need? A pair of professional headphones, a mixer, shell-toe Adidas and a Kangol.
If you got all that, you're going to need one of these.
Gold chain? Well, it's not real gold but it's a real chain.
What's all this? My DJ stuff.
Where'd you get the money? - Oh, I saved up.
- DJ, huh? Yeah, I even got a job DJing a party Saturday night.
What are you doing with my James Brown album? Can I borrow it? I need it for the party.
Why, you had the money to buy all this, why don't you buy your own? I looked everywhere.
Nobody has it.
All right, Mr.
DJ.
You'd better take care of it, 'cause you know how I love me my James Brown.
If she was a Jackie Wilson fan, she'd be in the emergency room right now.
For the first time in my life I was going to be a DJ.
I felt like nothing could stop me, unless I put a sign over my head.
Throw your hands in the air.
Wave them like you just don't care.
If you love DJ Chrissy Chris, everybody say "Oh, yeah!" We're looking for DJ Chrissy Chris! I hope I could skip town before my mother hears this record skipping.
You scratched your mom's copy of "The Payback"? I was trying to mix it.
I don't get it.
It's already a good song.
Why do you need to do anything to it? Because a DJ needs to rock the party.
You realize I have no idea what you're talking about, right? Yeah, I know.
So did you tell your mom? No, I'm just going to buy her a new copy.
What if she wants to listen to it before then? If that happened, I would have to keep her entertained the best way I knew how.
While I was looking for the big payback, Drew was looking for the big magic trick.
Sorry we got here too late to get the free TV Magic cards.
Aw, it's okay.
It's still a pretty good show.
What I want you to do is hold those two balls.
I'm going to take the first one in my hand, and I want you to squeeze the other one real tight.
And watch what happens on the count of three.
One, two, three.
And the ball has completely disappeared.
Now, if you slowly open your hand, you will find two yellow balls.
He eventually got in trouble when he did the two-ball trick without using props.
And let's have a hand for my lovely helper.
You can have a seat.
Thank you, very much.
And now for my next trick, I'm going to need a volunteer.
You, sir, do you mind helping me out? Hey, go, Dad.
All right, go.
I need an advance.
For what? "The Payback.
" The payback? Get down here quick.
What's up with the payback? How'd you know about it? Who told you that? It's just talking about the James Brown album.
Oh, you talking about "The Big Payback.
" What'd you think I was talking about? Never mind.
Anyway, I don't loan money, man.
It ruins relationships.
I once loaned my mother money for a bus ticket, never saw her again.
So, you can't do it? Nope.
Sorry, Chris, can't do it.
I should've said I need the money to overthrow the Sandinista.
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Teedra.
You still DJ-ing Jerome's party on Saturday? - Okay, I'll see you there.
- All right.
After I became a DJ, not only would I have the money to buy my mother's record, but I'd also have girls.
Lil' dude from across the street.
You remember Hilly Hill? Yeah, nice to meet you.
I heard you did a good job at the party after I left.
He act like he went out for doughnuts.
Yeah, I'm even doing his next party, too.
Oh, yeah.
Which one? The one at his house.
No, no, I'm DJ-ing that party.
Look, lil' dude, you did a great job, but this Saturday, I gotta let my man, Hilly Hill, DJ.
But you said I could do it.
Yeah, but I thought he was going to be in jail.
I got out on a technicality.
But I bought turntablesand everything.
It almost cost me $200.
Look If he gets arrested again And he will.
maybe I'll give you a call.
Sorry, lil' dude.
Here's your dollar.
- Thanks.
- In his mind, we're even.
Thanks a lot.
While I was out of a job, my father was out cold.
What? What happened? Dad, you saw a rabbit and you passed out.
Baby, I didn't know your allergies were that serious.
Dad, you're allergic to rabbits? How come you didn't say something? We could have sat in the back.
Don't people usually get rashes or something? I'm not allergic.
Then how come you fell out? I fainted.
I'm scared of rabbits.
Baby, why didn't you just tell me? What do I look like, a grown man scared of rabbits? Like a grown man scared of rabbits.
Hey, sorry about the rabbit.
I didn't know.
Hey, kid Here's a TV Magic Set.
- Thanks.
- And here's a set of TV Magic Cards.
Autographed by Marshall Brodien.
Thanks for bringing me, Dad.
Even when my father was scared out of his wits, he was still able to work magic.
Even though I managed to get my turntables, unfortunately for me, the tables turned in the wrong direction.
DJ career over already? Yeah.
So what can you give me for these? I'll go 40 bucks.
Forty? But I gave you everything I had.
Supply and demand, kid.
When you came in, I only had two.
Now I've got six.
Yeah, but you can't do any better than that? I'll go $30.
I'm not Kill Moves.
- Fifty.
- All right.
- You got "The Payback" album? - Yeah, sure.
Last one.
Ten bucks.
Kill Moves, what you got for me? What can you get me for this.
"The Payback.
" - Where'd you find that? - Found it outside.
Must of fell out of that jacket.
- I'll give you ten dollars for it.
- Twenty.
- Fifteen.
- Fifty.
Deal.
He said $15, you gave him $50.
Some things are just not meant to be.
I thought I wanted to be a DJ, but things just spun out of control.
It cost me over $200 to not be a DJ, but at least my mother would never find out that I scratched her James Brown record.