Family Guy s02e17 Episode Script

Oh, my! Tomatoes are 3.
99 a pound.
That's so high! Isn't that high? It seems so high.
This is interminable! I demand to know why you insist on taking me everywhere you go! I mean, what could possibly happen if you left me home by myself? - Great party, Griff.
- Girls, you know Jimmy Caan.
- Jimmy, make yourself at home.
- Hey, thanks.
I meant have a Cheez Doodle, but whatever.
Hm.
Instant stuffing or instant mashed potatoes? The choices are (crash) - Cleanup on aisle three! I got it! - Peter, where's Chris? I love you, She-Hulk.
Son, I'm gonna need those two hams back.
- I don't have any hams.
- Lift up your shirt, son.
I need an adult! I need an adult! You're not a shoplifter.
You're just a fat kid.
Sorry about that, fatty-fat-fatty.
Hey, Tom, he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, fatty? You're just a big old fat kid.
- Here's some chocolate, fatso.
- Thanks! - Hey, Brian, flea collars are on sale.
- Too many chemicals.
I'm gonna try a more natural alternative.
Agh! Sorry, Dr Ling, I guess I'm nervous.
This whole thing is a little weird.
(Scottish accent) Never ye fear.
I've been doin' this all me life.
See, the reason your fleas are drawn to you is your kidney energy is bein' blocked by a dark chi, or what we call in my country "wee-fung-chow-hu".
You have to keep those two boxes right next to each other? - Why? What do they say? - I think we're through here.
It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Attention, world leaders.
I have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe.
The world is now under my control.
But oh, no! I'm naked! What the deuce? Agh! Fleas! Agh! Damn you, Mop N' Glo.
Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots! Oh, my God! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies! Peter, wake up.
- Wha-wha? - Stewie's covered with fleas! Oh, that's nothin'.
When I was a kid I was covered with ticks.
- Peter, it's not a contest.
- Well, it was back then.
Oh, no.
Brian! Time for doggie to go the way of Old Yeller.
- Old Yeller, did I get a call from Tony? - Oh, yeah.
He left a message.
I forgot to tell you.
- Is it on the machine? - I erased it.
- All right, out back.
- No, Ma.
Yeller's my dog.
I'll do it.
Oh, come on.
He'll call back.
Ngh! Nngh! - Brian, are you OK? - OK? Ha-ha! OK? I'm covered in fleas, lady.
I'm losin' it here.
- Get a hold of yourself! - Ow! Peter, you're supposed to hit Brian! - Dad, I'm itchy! I'm itchy! - Out of my way, wide load! Mom, there's fleas all over the house! There's only one thing to do-learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women.
In time our differences will be forgotten.
Call the damn exterminator! (alarm) We got a 602 at 31 Spooner Street! (heroic music) - Logan, let's go.
- I can't.
I I just can't.
- What's with you, Logan? You look like hell.
- He just watched his wife and kid get carried away by seven million fire ants.
I don't wanna meet the man who looks good after that.
My God.
They're everywhere.
Yaaaagh! - They're in the carpet! - Got one over here! It's no good! There's too many of 'em! What do we do now? What the hell do we do now?! We pray.
- Logan! You son of a bitch! - You think I'd miss this party? I feel terrible about this.
Why don't I put us up in a nice hotel for a couple of days? That's a great idea, Brian.
It'll be like a little vacation.
Well, you might wanna bring some cash, cos some places don't take credit cards.
But mister, I need real money.
I can't take a credit card.
Oh, I see.
Cash only, huh? No paper trail.
What are you sellin'? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighbourhood? I don't think so! (wails) Oh, my.
What a lovely room.
(sniffs) Oh, and it's so clean.
The ultraviolet scanning light will be the judge of that.
I picked this up on Dateline from that yummy exoskeleton Maria Shriver.
Mm-hm.
Just as I thought.
Oatmeal.
Spittle.
Semen! This must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane.
(Peter) Cannonball! Jump in, honey.
Don't be afraid.
The turtle will keep you safe.
Oh, for God's sake! I'm to entrust my life to a turtle, nature's D student? Agh! (splutters) This is marvellous! I feel like a young Johnny Weissmuller! - Hey, Chris, aren't you comin' in? - Can I swim with my shirt on? No, you can't swim with your shirt on.
Wait a second.
What are you hidin'? Do you have bruises? Did somebody hit you? Lois, what did you do to my son? Will you keep your voice down? You're embarrassin' him.
If I wanted to embarrass him, I'd do somethin' like this.
Hey! Hey, everybody! Hey, look what Chris Griffin's father Peter Griffin's doin'! (crowd) Ugh! Stop it! Chris, why don't you want to take your shirt off? - Cos I'm fat.
- Oh, honey, no one thinks you're fat.
Sir, you can't park your van on the diving board.
- This is my son.
- Oh.
My apologies.
Hey, Tom! He's not a van! He's just a fat kid! Don't listen to him, Chris.
I'm gonna go get you a soda.
You wait here.
I say, hello! You there! I'm ready to get out! Somebody! Oh, my.
What was that? Well, hello, Mr Water Jet.
- Are you ready to - Go away! You're not fat, Chris, you just come from a long line of husky Griffins, like your great-great-great-uncle Jabba the Griffin.
Raja naba doua gola wookie nipple pinchie.
Honey, if you wanna lose weight, I'll put you on a diet and your father can help you exercise.
- Really? - Why don't you do what supermodels do? Stick your finger down your throat and throw up till you're skinny.
Don't listen to your sister.
Stickin' your finger down your throat doesn't make you throw up.
Peter, are you OK? Meat loaf for us, and a very special, very delicious steamed vegetable dish for Chris.
(sniffs) Oh, I hate vegetables! - Honey, they're good for you.
- Oh! It tastes like a monkey.
A monkey that's past its prime.
Mm! This meat loaf is a symphony of flavour.
It's too bad you can't have some - it's practically orgasmic! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh! Oh! - Yes! Yes! - I'll have what he's having.
OK, Chris, time for some good old-fashioned exercise-like those guys are doin'.
I say, Phineas, great day to be doing squat thrusts and lifting our huge triangular iron weights.
- Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! - Hup! Hup-hup! Hup! Hup! Dad, I don't like running.
The sound of my thighs scraping together hurts my ears.
Hey, a Twinkie! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-ha! I'm gonna get you! Come on! You can do it.
Feel the burn, Chris.
Feel the burn.
Agh! Attaboy.
All the way upstream, buddy.
Agh! Agh! Aagh! Aagh! Agh! OK, just relax.
Try to soil yourself, like we practised.
Dad, this says I gained weight.
That's impossible.
Take off your shirt.
What the hell is that? (gasps) Bovine lummox! Oh! Oh, God! I tell ya, he's been workin' out all week and he hasn't lost a pound.
Peter, if you're this desperate about Chris's weight, why don't you just suck the fat out? If you can find a hole on the boy that you wanna put your lips on, be my guest.
I'm talkin' about liposuction.
My brother Broderick's a cosmetic surgeon.
Is he good? Well, Nell Carter used to be twice as big before Broderick got through with her.
FYI, he used the fat he took out of her to make the two kids from Good Burger.
This is a very safe procedure, son.
You won't feel a thing.
I'm like a Green Beret, you know.
I sneak inside you and I skulk around like it's Vietnam or somethin', and I'm sneakin' through the bush, you know.
And I get all that fat, like the fat's my buddies stuck behind enemy lines, you know.
And when I got all my buddies, I sneak out again.
I'm very mysterious when I'm inside you, you know, like a like the wind, you know.
Oh, good boy, Stewie.
Clean plate.
Although I think you got Yes, yes, I got more of it on me than in me.
Yes, that one never gets old, Lois.
Here's your dessert, sweetie.
Dig in.
- I'll eat it when I'm ready.
- Hi! I'm ready.
Well, time for dessert, isn't it? Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie, and we have something very tasty for big fat you.
Bon appétit! Oh, and feel free to use my fork, I shan't be needing it.
Watch me.
That's it.
Watch this.
Oh, Stewie! Stop eatin' like a little piggy! We should cut down on your sweets-you're gettin' a belly.
Chris, where have you been? Dad took me to a doctor to get the fat vacuumed out of my belly.
- What? - I didn't do it.
I'm just gonna stay on my diet and exercise.
Good for you.
That was a very grown-up decision.
I mean, what kinda lazy, narcissistic, irresponsible moron would even consider doing something as unbelievably foolish as getting liposuction? Who, I ask you? Who? Hello! I How Wha My God, it's finally happened.
He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star.
- Mom, can I get lipo too? - Forget it, Meg.
Peter, you can't just suck 200Ibs of fat out of yourself.
It's not natural.
Come on.
Lois, I feel great droppin' that kind of weight all at once.
Like you felt after you had Chris.
And they're off! Well, then, giddy-up.
A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! - Great to be thin.
- Yup.
You know, there's somethin' I always wanted to do, Brian, but, uh I-I could never do it cos I was so heavy.
But, you know, now that I don't weigh so much, I think I can.
- Could you could you help me do it, Brian? - Sure.
I'd be honoured.
I was wonderin' if I could put a little saddle on your back and ride you like a horsy.
Oh, OK.
No, I understand.
It's too much.
It's OK.
I like Hillary Clinton, I don't care what anyone says.
Argh! - Hyah! Hyah! Come on, Old Paint! - I can feel the bones in your ass! I see you! But, Mom, it could change my life! Meg, you're not gettin' plastic surgery.
Why not? It's totally safe.
A lot of famous people have done it.
Your place is here in the ice village.
You know nothing of Hollywood and its ways.
But, Father, I have dreams and courage and the name of an excellent cosmetic surgeon.
Fear not, some day word will reach you about the success of me, the great Eskimo actor Jennifer Love Hewitt.
- Bring pride to our village! - Send firewood! Plastic surgery is great! I was thinkin' about havin' Broderick take a look at my nose.
It doesn't matter if your nose is a little bulbousy, or your eyes are too close together, or your chest is flabby.
You are who you are.
Huh.
I think I know what you're gettin' at.
Knock, knock! Hey, pal, you can't just walk in here Holy crap, it's Peter.
- Dad, you're pretty! Like a girl! - You look like a totally different person.
Oh, this is crazy.
You walk in here with your chiselled jaw and your Oh, my! I I liked you the way you were.
You're not even real any more.
You're - Peter, did you get a new buttocks? - I had to.
My old one had a crack in it.
Well, I couldn't be more angry with you.
Ahhhhh! You you've really let this family down.
We should be embracin' the things God gave us, not tellin' our kids a person's not as good as someone else because of the way they look.
Agh! Holy crap! Ow! - There's a baby in that refuse bin.
- Not too close, Barnaby.
- If you touch it, the mother won't take it back.
- Allez-oop! Excuse me, sir, what is a handsome man like you doing waiting in line? I need an adult! I need an adult! Warren Fredericks, Quahog Beautiful People's Club.
Come on in front.
But all those people were in front of me.
You haven't been beautiful long, have you? Gorgeous guys like us don't have to wait.
Haven't you noticed? People will do anything for a beautiful person.
Yeah.
You know, come to think of it Hi.
I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I need a human foot.
Well, as a rule, I would say no, but OK, come in.
So this is, what, for, like, a school project? Argh! Argh! Agh! Agh! Raul, please take this handsome gentleman's bags to his car.
Thank you.
Hey, when you're beautiful, doors magically open for you.
It opened because you stepped on that black rubber square.
If that wasn't there, it would've opened anyway cos you're beautiful.
(Peter) Wow.
There's a lot of good-Iookin' people here.
This is the Beautiful People's Club, and you're our newest member.
Here's your introductory basket.
It's got lotions, Ferrari sunglasses, and pills to make your bowel movements smell like bakery-fresh cinnamon rolls.
(creaking) (creaking) Argh! Dammit! Oh, what happened? Orson fall down? Shut up! Just I don't want to hear it! Serves you right.
You tried to make Chris jealous, now you have an eating disorder.
Just help me up.
I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.
Oh, ha-de-ha-ha! What the What the devil are you doing? Stop it! Stop it, I'm getting dizzy! Argh! Blast! Did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? - Yeah.
I think it looks better.
- You pasted it over me.
- Yeah.
I think it looks better.
- Have you lost your mind? - Well, somebody's jealous.
- Have you forgotten about Chris? - He needs you to help him exercise.
- He figured out how to catch the Twinkie.
Ha-ha! I'm turnin' you into poo.
I'm goin' to the Beautiful People's Club.
I can take him with me.
Seein' us all might give him somethin' to shoot for.
The Beautiful People's Club? How come I never heard of it? Lois, I can't say any more.
I'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh Well, we call you "normies".
OK, bye.
Are you gonna take that? - Lois! - What? Oh.
Brian.
I was I was seeing if the, uh, driveway.
That wasn't a sentence.
You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.
Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, he's become a superficial, egomaniacal jerk.
But I've never been more attracted to him.
Does that make me a bad person? Yes.
Yes, it does make you a bad person.
Peter, good to see you.
I've got a lot of tall, statuesque people I want you to meet.
- What's that? - Oh, that's my son Chris.
He can't come in.
He's fat.
Well, let me tell you somethin', buddy.
If my son can't come in, then I'll just come in.
- See you at home.
- But Dad Trust me, Chris, sometimes it's better not to fit in.
You're all stupid.
They're gonna be lookin' for army guys.
Don't look at me! I'm hideous! How could you treat Chris that way? You know he's self-conscious about his weight.
What you gettin' mad at me for? He gets his fat from your genes.
- Which, by the way, I'm wearing.
- Oh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you have that doctor suck the fat outta your head?! Maybe I will.
Then I'll put it on my feet and skate on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks! - That doesn't make any sense.
- It doesn't have to.
I'm beautiful! You're not welcome here.
Go away! Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? Maybe.
I've been workin' out.
Well, you look wicked skinny.
I'm, like, jealous.
Thanks, Meg.
I'm jealous of your moustache.
I don't have a moustache.
Do I? Oh, honey, it's fine.
It makes you look distinguished.
- But Mom - Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.
Damn you, ice cream.
Come to my mouth.
How dare you disobey me? What are you looking at, you you infantile, stupid That's right.
Damn you and such.
You can burn in hell.
(snores) She is so jealous.
Of course - I'm beautiful.
I mean, look at me.
Oh How strange Should watch road, but can't look away.
Too beautiful.
(gurgles) (gurgles) (gurgles) Well, Mr Griffin, the bandages are ready to come off.
But I should tell you it's a miracle you're alive at all.
We did all we can, but medical science has come just so far.
And now I will take off this protective Potato Head mask.
Oh, Peter, you look like you! I can't believe you're all still standin' by my side after what a jerk I was.
- Especially to you.
I'm sorry, Chris.
- That's OK, Dad.
Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson.
Nope.