Mike & Molly s02e17 Episode Script

I'm really proud of how well you've been sticking to your diet, sweetie.
Well, since you're dead set on me wearing a white tux at the wedding, I'd rather look more like a refrigerator than a milk truck.
I've changed my mind about the white tux.
Let's just go basic black.
Then what are we doing at an O.
A meeting? Let's go get pie.
Since we're talking about the wedding, I wanted to discuss our vows with you.
I know, you don't want to say "obey.
" No, I do not.
I do, however, want you to say it.
Yes, sir.
Seriously, though, I thought, you know, instead of doing the traditional "I do"s, it might be fun if we write our vows.
Fun for who? That sounds like a nightmare.
No, it could be really sweet.
Saying what's in our heart, expressing our love in front of all our friends and family.
That's exactly what I was picturing when I said "nightmare.
" Come on.
What's the big deal? There's plenty of time between now and then to jot down a few heartfelt sentiments about how much I dazzle you each day.
Easy for you you were an English lit major.
I'm about one head bump away from being a member of the plant family.
Technically, it's the plant "kingdom"" it goes kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species.
Wedding's off.
Hey, kids! Hey Hey, kids! Hey, Harry.
You guys notice anything different about me? Hint: I have three- and-a-half less of them.
What are pounds? That is correct.
What happened? Little slow on the buzzer, brainiac? For the first time in my life I see love.
That was a great O.
A meeting.
Yeah.
Did you see the look on their fat, little faces when I said I dropped three-and-a-half pounds? Did they look anything like ours? I'm sorry.
I'm kind of on a low-carb high.
I went down an entire belt hole today.
One of the original holes or one you punched yourself? Original.
Good for you.
More free refills on coffee or does one of you big spenders wanna splurge on a tea bag? Top me off, Benson.
You O.
A people never eat, do you? At least not when there are witnesses.
Am I right, Mike B.
? Listen, now that I've dropped all this weight and gotten a handle on my combination skin, I'm thinking it's time to dip my toe back in the love pond.
Aw.
Well, that's great.
I'm sure there's a nice girl out there for you.
Assuming that's what you mean by "toe" and "pond.
" The one I've got my eye on is very nice and sweet And stacked like a sleeve of Oreos.
Well, be careful.
You don't wanna date out of your league.
Why not? You did.
Just watch out, Harry.
You been doing really good on your diet and you don't wanna end up brokenhearted and only leaving the house to chase down an ice cream truck.
Oh, I've never been that bad.
Besides, if you lay down in the road, they have to stop.
Since when did it become a crime for a man to urinate in a public fountain? I'm guessing about three days after they invented fountains.
Well, they should put up a sign or something.
Not just blindside us with these crazy laws.
Pipe down! Did I tell you about Molly's latest bright idea? She wants us to write our own wedding vows.
Really? Yeah, she's gonna recite some beautiful soliloquy and I'm gonna be quoting dirty limericks and Dan Fogelberg songs.
I love Dan Fogelberg.
I saw him live at Kingston mines in '73.
Did you pee on him? When are you gonna let that go? You don't need to sweat the vows.
I've heard you wax poetic for 20 minutes about a chunk of lasagna.
Oh, you mean the one from Arnie Salerno's? You can't just call that lasagna.
It's a work of art.
It's a perfect union of gooey mozzarella, and taut, teasing noodles and a deceptively simple sauce, each ingredient frolicking in my mouth like dolphins dancing in the waves.
It didn't just sate my hunger.
It changed my life.
Damn.
I can almost taste it.
Right? Hey, you can do this vow thing.
Just substitute "lasagna" with "Molly," change the sauce to her eyes and try not to describe her as a taut, teasing noodle.
Speaking of which, I gotta whiz again.
"And like the emergence of the wildflowers of spring, "your love fills the fertile fields of my heart with dainty dots of bright colors.
" Whoo.
What?! Something stinks, and it ain't this fish.
Is the alliteration of "fertile fields" and "dainty dots" too much? No, I liked that part.
Mostly because it was the end.
Maybe you should try moving the ending about ten minutes closer to the beginning.
Well, clearly, you two would know more about poetry than an English lit major.
Why do you keep harping on being an English lit major? Yeah, you mentioned it twice in your vows.
Backstory.
It's friends and family.
They're coming for free cake and booze, not to sit through Ken Burns presents Molly Flynn.
Those hens are always clucking about something, aren't they? I don't think they'd appreciate being referred to as "hens.
" But, yes, they are always clucking about something.
I got my shoes off.
You don't have to tell me you got your shoes off.
I'm not tearing up because these cartoons are sad.
Harry, what are you doing in this neck of the woods? I've come a-calling for the fair Victoria.
Wait a minute.
Victoria's the girl you wanted to ask out? Aw, geez, this'll be hard to watch.
Like a walrus swimming into a boat motor.
Why don't you and I have a little talk out on the porch? Is this a pep talk? 'Cause I already said my affirmations in the car: "I am a good and perfect child.
" Get outside! Mike, I assure you my intentions are honorable.
I mean, my thoughts are filthy, but I rarely act on them.
Listen, Harry, I think it's great that you're feeling good about yourself and you wanna pursue a relationship, but come on Victoria? Are you talking about the age difference? 'Cause I can pull out the old Jean jacket and do kind of a clooney thing with my hair.
Maybe it's a good idea to try to walk before you can run.
Date somebody more like you.
A heavyset brunette with hammertoes? No, thank you.
All right, pal.
Go ahead.
Swing for the fences.
Is he still going through with it? Good for you, dumpy.
I'm rooting for you.
Victoria, Mr.
not-quite-right is here! Woof, I'm sweating like a pig.
Probably just 'cause you're nervous and fat.
Oh, hi, Larry.
Harry.
And we're off.
Hi, Victoria.
Listen, I noticed on your Facebook page that you're a fan of the black keys, mm-hmm.
As am I now.
And I happen to be in possession of two primo tix for Saturday's awesome gig.
I thought it was sold out.
Not if you've got a friend at will call and you're willing to trade him your pristine, still-in-the-box Lando Calrissian.
So, are you asking me to go to the concert with you? That was the plan walking in, but now that I'm faced with your beauty, I'm just looking for a window to dive out of.
Good luck.
Oh, Harry, I'd love to go with you.
Really? Really? Really? Yeah! Do you wanna get some dinner before the show? I guess so.
I-I didn't think I'd make it this far, so I didn't plan past you saying "no.
" You're funny.
I'll see you Saturday.
Can I stand here for a minute? 'Cause my knees are locked and my shoes are filled with butt sweat.
"The clouds, they part when you are near, "and the sun shines just a little brighter.
"A fire burns inside my heart, and your love is the lighter.
" That is crap, crap, crap.
Sweetie, what are you doing? Having a little whiskey.
Some bedtime whiskey like you do.
Hey, I'm a little worried about the whole Harry-Victoria thing.
You're gonna tell her to put the kibosh on it, right? He said he wanted to dip his toe back into the dating pool.
Yeah, well, this is the deep end and there's no lifeguard 'cause he's in the changing room boning your sister.
Hey, Mike! She's just trying to be nice to the guy and it's just one night.
For her it's one night.
But Harry's gonna be prepping for days, going to every big-and-tall shop looking for a shirt that's hip, sexy, and doesn't look like someone's tenting for termites.
This isn't just about Harry, is it? Her name was Betsy Zajko.
I was a sophomore, and she was a senior.
I just made third-string center on the football team, so I was feeling pretty good about myself.
Whiskey? Please.
Anyway, the summer before, her boyfriend had been killed in a dirt bike accident, so she was vulnerable and most of the guys in her league were a little gun-shy.
Understandable.
I mustered up the courage to ask her out, and to my amazement, she said yes.
I showed up at the dance with a new shirt, a corduroy vest, and a pair of my dad's dress khakis.
Hey.
Hello, sexy.
Molly, please.
Sorry.
Anyway, by the end of the night, Betsy had slow-danced or dry-humped the quarterback, the fullback, pretty much anybody with a varsity letter and an erection.
Oh, honey.
Yeah, apparently, I was the warm-up act for the entire team.
And while they were enjoying the fruits of my labor, I was in the parking lot splitting a meat lover's pizza with the fat tuba player from the marching band.
Yeah, I've got a similar story.
Mine ends with me splitting a big bag of white castle hamburgers with a very grabby equipment manager.
He's a she now.
I buy my Mary kay products from her.
"Roses are red; Violets are blue.
I'm getting married in three months and I got squat.
" I don't remember writing any of this.
Did I dream this or were you in the backyard last night, drunk and throwing a knife at a tree? No.
I don't think so, snoop dogg.
I-I need to talk to you about your date with Harry.
Oh, it's not a date.
We're just going to a concert.
I think Harry might see it a little differently and I know you don't want to hurt him.
Why in the world would I ever hurt him? You wouldn't, intentionally.
You know how you are with guys, and Those guys' friends, and And those guys' friends' cousins.
Little early in the day to call a gal a whore, isn't it? No, no, I am not imp I am not implying money ever changed hands.
Jewelry and electronics may have greased that wheel.
Listen, Molly, God gave me a big heart and an amazing set of honkers.
And I will not apologize for that.
And I'm not asking you to.
I just think Harry might have unrealistic expectations.
You know how guys are.
Wait So he thinks a couple of concert tickets is gonna give him a backstage "ass pass?" God, no.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
Or would ever say.
I thought he was just a sweet, nice guy.
It's always the shy ones that want to wine and climb you.
Hey, I'm just trying to protect both of you.
Oh, forget it.
How long was I out there? "I promise to cherish every moment we have together.
"To never let a day go by without telling you "how much I love you "and how much richer my life is with you in it.
"Molly Flynn, I love you, "and every moment of my life has meaning because I do.
" Damn, man, that was beautiful.
You noticed how I worked in the words "I do" at the end? I did.
The whole thing was gorgeous.
Simple, eloquent, romantic.
You're like a big, white Maya angelou.
Well, you were my muse.
That lasagna thing really got the old creative juices flowing.
If I die before you and you have to write my eulogy, compare me to chicken piccata.
Done.
Hey, Harry What? Well, how could she dump you? You haven't even been on a date yet.
All right, put the fork down.
We'll be right there.
Harry's at Abe's trying to fill a hole in his heart with the left side of the breakfast menu.
Left side? That's got the French toast made with the sticky buns and the nutella.
No, that's on the right.
Three lines down.
Right across from the smoky link pan-San.
Well, I'm not gonna play this game with a man who has a food-ographic memory.
Just hit the lights.
Another tall stack for my recently jilted friend.
And don't forget to save room for pie and ice cream.
How about less talk and more syrup? Absolutely.
Uh, just a heads-up There's a mandatory 20% gratuity for large groups.
Of which this qualifies.
Syrup! All right, whatever else he's ordered, cancel.
And take these plates away.
I'm not taking anything.
He's already tried to bite me twice.
Just take the plates.
You were right, Mike.
I was icarus flying too near the sun with wax wings.
Okay, don't let this bottom you out.
You're a good guy, and I'll bet there's a woman out there who's perfect for you.
That's right.
There's plenty of cows in the pasture.
You just got no business in the henhouse.
Carl, I got this.
Look, I know how you're feeling, 'cause I've been right where you are.
He has.
In that exact chair, probably using that same fork.
Sorry.
You can't give up or give in.
And stuffing your emotions with food ain't gonna make them go away.
It just hurts so much.
I know, pal.
But it will get better.
It did for me, and if you keep working this program, it will for you.
Thanks, Mike.
You're a good friend.
Before you say anything I brought two forks.
None for me, thank you.
Harry, you can do it.
Hold me.
A little tighter.
Tighter.
You'd better just wrestle me to the ground.
Just remember, this is a rough first draft.
You mind? Sorry.
Go ahead.
What's this word? Joie de vivre.
It's French for "joy of life"" it gives it a worldly feel.
Worldly, pretentious Comme ci, comme ca.
Fine.
I don't know why I asked for your opinion in the first place.
I do.
Everyone else read it and said it was crap.
Last thing I saw you read was a bazooka Joe comic.
Now that's good writing: Simple, to the point, and you get gum.
Hey, Harry.
How are you? A little down in the dumps.
Some of it's the blues.
Most of it's pancakes.
Sorry.
May I speak to Victoria? Yeah, I'll get her.
Come on in.
Please don't tell me you're here to grovel.
'Cause I gotta take a pee and I don't want to miss that.
I think if you were nicer, your hair would have stayed with you.
Hi, Harry.
What do you want? I'm not here to bother you.
I only wanted to give you these.
Why? Well, I only bought them because I knew you were a fan of alternative rock.
Mm-hmm? I'm more into contemporary jazz and "the Canadian chanteuse," Ms.
Celine Dion.
I don't feel right taking them because I don't know what you expect in return.
I don't expect anything.
I never did.
Other than seeing you happy.
Harry.
Yes? This is really sweet of you.
I think I will take a friend.
If you still want to go with me.
Really? As a friend.
A friend.
Absolutely.
Nothing more.
I'll see you Saturday.
With bells on.
Literally.
I just got the mutton stain out of my renaissance fair vest.
The trick? Soda water and a determined mother.
Good night, Harry.
Good night.
Boy, that little toad gets knocked down, he gets back up, dusts himself off and jumps right back in the game.
You gotta love a guy like that.
I do love a guy like that.
Boring.
Pretentious.
Stick man with a penis.
How are those vows coming along, sweetie? Well, I-I finished them.
They are darn good.
But I was thinking, uh Why should you have to do all that work? So you don't want us to write our own vows now? Nah, let's just go traditional.
"Love, honor, obey.
" We kiss, we dance, we shove cake in each other's faces.
Give the people what they want.
You got nothing, do you? Wouldn't say nothing.
I could probably hit a running squirrel with a switchblade.
So you want to quit? No.
I don't I don't want to quit.
You want some help? No.
Maybe What do you got? Well, let me ask you something: What's your favorite food? Isn't this great? Uh freakin' awesome! Really loud though, huh? Yeah! Would you mind if I climbed on your shoulders? Sure! What are friends for? Oh! This is great! I'm taking my top off! Take a picture! My-my phone is in my pocket! For the love of God, somebody take my picture!