South Park s02e17 Episode Script

Settle down children.
I have some difficult news which is going to make you all very sad.
The school board is considering firing me as your teacher.
There is a possibility I might be let go and never allowed to teach you again.
- Yes Stanley? - That's ok with us.
- That's fine.
- No, it isn't it makes you very sad! Now apparently the school board thinks that I don't teach you anything about current events.
So tomorrow they're gonna have you do presentations for the whole board.
"Current events in South Park".
ow I want you all to read a news paper or better yet watch television and come up with something current in South Park to do a report on.
Now this will be a group project so I'm gonna place you all into groups of five.
Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, Pip, and Token, you'll be group one.
And group two will be Stan, Kyle, Eric, Kenny, and… and Tweek.
- Oh not Tweek.
- We don't wanna be in a group with Tweek.
There's nothing wrong with Tweek.
I bet he'll do a great job in your group.
I can't stand that kind of pressure! No sweet Jesus please! Dude, we can't work with this kid.
That's what Chet Everet thought when the new female intern joined the cast of Medical Center.
He thought who is this woman with her gozungas and high heels? What does she know about medicine? Well that intern saved Chet Everet's brother with a kidney transplant so you see? - No.
- Well let me put another way.
You have to give your reports to the town committee tomorrow! And if it doesn't kick ass and you make me look bad, Mr.
Hat is gonna smack you bitches up! - Hello there customer.
- Hello, how are you today? Great.
What can I get for you? Large coffee, small coffee? I'm actually interested in something else.
I'm John Poston from the Harbuck's Coffee Corporation.
Oh, you're that corporate guy who keeps calling.
That's right.
How come you don't call me back? All we wanna do is buy out your coffee shop here.
Oh forget it.
My-my store is not for sale.
My company's prepared to make you a very generous offer.
This is a Crampsonite brief case.
All leathered, has four compartments, and a key with lock.
Interested? I don't think so.
My coffee shop is worth a lot to me.
Alright how about five hundred thousand dollars? The answer is still no Mr.
Poston.
You see when my father opened this store thirty years ago, he cared about only one thing making a great cup of coffee.
Sure we may take a little longer to brew a cup, we may not call it fancy names.
I just guess we care a little more.
And that's why Tweek coffee is still home brewed with the finest beans we can muster.
Yes Tweek coffee is a simpler coffee for a simpler America.
Well that's to bad.
We're just gonna have to open our Harbucks right next door to you.
But that could put me out of business.
This is a capitalist country pal.
Get used to it.
- Hello Mr.
Tweek.
- Hi Officer Barbrady.
- Who was that? - Oh just some dong.
What can I get for you? The usual.
- Thanks see you tomorrow.
- Bye-bye.
Ok we have to do this stupid report on so So lets figure out what to do it about.
How about we do it on that Raymond guy on TV, you know everybody loves Raymond.
No Cartman, we can't do it on Raymond again.
It has to be on a current event in South Park.
Tweek do you have any ideas? - This is to much pressure.
- Great.
Lot of help you are kid.
- The Gnomes.
- What? - We can do a report on the gnomes.
- What gnomes? The Underpants Gnomes.
The little guys that come in your room real late-late at night and steal your underpants.
So that's where all my underpants go.
- Dude that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
I've never seen any underpants gnomes.
- They come out at 3:30 in the morning.
Most people aren't up then, but I am.
I can't sleep ever.
Dude we can't do a presentation on underpants gnomes.
Mr.
Garrison will fail because you're making it up.
Sleep at my house tonight.
I'll prove it to you.
They want me to sell the store.
It's so much money.
Some things are more important than money.
The people of South Park count on you to give them that first cup of coffee everyday.
I know, but if they open a Harbucks right next door we might go out of business.
They really have my balls in a vice-grip.
Oh hello son.
How was your day? - That's good.
Who are your little friends? - What do you mean! - We're his oral report.
- Ya.
We have to stay up all night to write it.
Well have some coffee boys.
I'll brew up another pot for later.
Coffee? I don't think I like coffee.
Oh you'll like this coffee, it's fresh.
Country fresh, like the morning after a rain storm.
Kay.
Maybe it'll help us figure out what to do our report on.
We have to present it to the entire South Park town committee tomorrow.
Oh.
I've got one for you.
How about doing a report on how large corporations take over little family owned businesses.
- Richard! - No I'm serious hon.
These boys should learn how the corporate machine is ruining America.
You see, I own a coffee shop and now some great, big multimillion-dollar company is going to move in and try to take all my business, which means I may have to shut down and sell my son Tweek into slavery.
- Slavery?! - Yes slavery.
- Wow that sucks dude.
- They really have my balls in a salad shooter.
We're already doing a paper on Tweek's underpants gnomes.
Now Tweek, how many times do we have to tell you, your underpants are missing because you lose them not because of underpants gnomes.
C'mon you guys.
We better get to work.
Ok, but corporate takeovers is a much more fertile subject.
Honestly Richard, I don't see why you have to preach to some eight-year-olds.
Actually honey, I think those little tikes are just what we need.
I've got an idea.
- Man, this stuff is strong.
- Kinda bitter.
- What if my parents go out of business? What'll I do? - Don't worry about it.
But we'll starve and die like dogs.
- Tweek, Tweek, you can always go on welfare.
Look at Kenny's family.
They're perfectly happy being poor and on welfare, right Kenny? - Fuck you.
You suck Kenny.
- Well let's just try and finish all this coffee so we can stay up.
This stuff rocks.
Totally dude.
I feel awesome! You guys! You guys! Seriously! I feel great! - Hey Tweek, do have anymore of this stuff? - Just some grounds.
KILLER! Hey let me have some grounds! Whoa Cartman.
Whoopee! - Oh, my stomach hurts.
- Ya mine too.
I wonder why? Well it's three thirty and I don't any goddamn underpants gnomes, Tweek.
M-maybe it's all in my head.
Maybe I'm going insane.
Oh no I'm going insane! Well this is just great.
We haven't gotten anything done and we're totally screwed.
- How's the report going boys? - Bad.
Oh, do you need some more coffee? No… more… coffee.
Well boys, I don't mean to pry, but if you want it, I wrote your report for you.
- You did!? - Yes, It's all about corporate takeovers.
- Of course, you don't have to use it.
- No, we'll use it.
Alright, and it can be our little secret about who wrote it, right? - Sure! When you kids do the report make sure you read this part first alright? - There they are! - Time to go to work, work all night.
Gotta get underpants we.
We won't stop until we have underpants.
Lots of yummy pants we.
You guys look! Look you're missing it! They took 'em again! - Thanks dude.
- My pleasure.
Good night boys.
Wow Tweek, your dad rocks.
Why do they torture me like this?! Why can't they leave me alone?! - Dammit, what the hell is wrong with you Tweek? - They took my underpants again.
Soon they'll want my blood.
Blood! And as the voluminous corporate automaton bulldozes it's way through bantam America, What will become of the endeavoring American family? I don't think they wrote this, Mr.
Hat.
Perhaps there is no stopping the corporate machine.
- And that's our report.
I guess.
- Well boys it's obvious that you didn't even - Great job.
- Yes, great job.
Boys you have really opened our eyes.
We didn't even know this was happening.
- Neither did we.
- Well Mr.
Garrison it looks like we were wrong about you.
You really are teaching these kids something.
Ya well I don't wanna sound like a dick hole, but I told you so.
I am really moved.
I say we follow these boys' cause.
Let's join them in the fight against corporate takeovers.
- Lead the way boys.
- It's to much pressure! Good, good.
Now make sure that sign is really bright and flashy now.
My goodness, that's going to be a really big coffee house, honey.
Yes it is.
They really have my balls in a juice maker.
Oh hello son, how did your report go? I think it went really good.
Those people really go into it.
Really? Well son you might have just saved the family business, what do you have to say about that? - I need coffee.
- I know how you boys feel.
Sometimes a hot cup of French Roast Almerato is just what a man needs to get him through the day.
That smooth aroma and mild taste is what makes Tweek Coffee so very special.
Special, like an Arizona sunrise or a Juniper wet with dew.
A lite rain in the middle of a dusty afternoon or a hug from your dear old aunt - Dad! - What? - The metaphors, man.
Oh sorry.
Here you go.
Hey, do you ever think that maybe you shouldn't give your son coffee? - Like how do you mean? - Like look at him.
He's always shaking and nervous.
Oh that.
He has ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder.
That's why he's so jittery all the time.
Mr.
Tweek, we only just heard.
- Oh, hello committee members.
What a surprise.
So this is the corporate bulldozer trying to push you off the map? Yes, how did you hear? - These boys did an excellent report for us this morning.
- They're so upset by this whole thing.
- My butt hurts.
Don't worry Mr.
Tweek, this committee is not going to let you run out of business by these bastards.
You hear that you're not gonna get away with this you whore! Excuse me! Boys, we've talked it over and we want you to take your case to the mayor.
- Our case? - No man! That is way to much pressure.
- Oh you'll do fine son.
- C'mon boys, let's go! Aw man, this sucks.
And we would have never even known this was happening if it wasn't for these boys' excellent report.
You're telling me that students from Mr.
Garrison's class actually did something that had some kind of relevance to the world? That's right.
- Mr.
Garrison? The guy with the puppet? - Yes.
Well, I must say Garrison, perhaps you aren't as stupid and crazy as I always tell people you are.
Thank you mayor.
I don't want to sound like a dick hole but I Mayor, these boys want that Harbucks Coffee shut down right now.
Well I can't just shut them down.
This is a free country.
- But they're ruining our city.
- The best I can do is create a proposition.
We'll call it Prop Ten.
The town can vote on it, and if it passes we'll see what we can do.
- Hurray! - What do you say boys? We're gonna pass a law.
- Uh, hurray.
- So I guess you wanna do some campaigning.
You can do commercials and thing like that.
We can have a vote in the middle of town, and obviously if more than fifty percent of the people show up and care enough to want Harbucks out, then they're out.
So good luck to you.
- Didn't you see them?! - Alright what's next? - Next is issue thirty-seven-D, missing underpants.
- Is it cold in here? Boys could I have a quick this and that with you? Boys I don't know who wrote that report, but now that you've convinced everybody, you better stick with it.
Because if these people find out that you didn't really write that paper and I actually do get fired, then Mr.
Hat is gonna do horrible things to you.
Oh not that Mr.
Hat, that's real horrible.
Anyway, good luck passing your new law boys.
Jesus man, Jesus! What are we gonna do huh?! Live! It's the South Park Town Hall meeting on Public Access.
Tonight's topic, Prop Ten! Should Harbucks be able to open a store in South Park? That's tonight's topic.
On my left, five innocent, starry-eyed boys from middle America.
On my right a big fat, smelly corporate guy from New York.
- Hey, I'm not fat or smelly.
- Alright Mr.
Deuschbag.
Poston.
- Pardon me Mr.
Ass Face.
Anyway let's hear your side of the argument.
My argument is simple, this country is founded on free enterprise.
Harbucks is an organization that An organization that prides itself on great coffee! We simply want to Aw to hell with you! Ok, Arcafé.
Now for the other side of the argument we turn to our young, handsome lads.
Boys your thoughts.
C'mon boys, don't be shy.
What's your principle argument? This guy sucks ass! - Great argument.
You win boys.
- What?! That was close Mr.
Hat.
What is the future of America? Is it the money we make? The quests we conquer? No.
It's the children.
So what do the children have to say about Prop Ten? - I don't like big corporations.
- I like small businesses.
I believe in the family owned enterprise.
To get back to the home owned enterprise.
It's time to stop large corporations.
Prop Ten is about children.
Vote yes on Prop Ten or else you hate children.
You don't hate children, do you? Remember, keep American business small or else Paid for by citizens for a fair and equal way to get Harbucks Coffee kicked out of town forever.
- Well, what do you think? - Oh, i-it's great.
- Yes it is.
We'll put it on the air immediately.
- What do you think hon? Hon, what's the matter? - I have a big problem with this.
- What do you mean? We're just using those boys for our benefit.
They have no idea what they're saying.
But kids are great to get people on our side.
You don't just throw a child in a political commercial to sell your beliefs.
I won't be a part of this anymore.
Honey, all's fair in love and war… and coffee.
Hon? Take your corporate coffee and go back to New York City! It's people like you who are ruining Main Street, USA! How many Native Americans did you slaughter to make that coffee, huh?! Damn, these people aren't buying any coffee.
I'll have to try and apeal to the younger crowd.
Hey kid, I'm Camel Joe and I love a fresh cup of coffee.
It's yum diddly-icous.
It makes you feel super.
I have a surprise for you.
The new kiddycinno from Harbucks.
More sugar than all the other goodies kids like with all the caffeine of a normal Double Latte.
No Billy.
No coffee for you.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Using cartoons to push caffeine on children.
Why don't you go back to the hole you crawled out from lady? Uh, Mr.
Poston I think you've got a lot to learn about making coffee.
Oh, you don't? Your coffee tastes like three-day-old- moldy diarrhea.
I'm sorry to inform you that this town is having a vote tomorrow, and if the law passes you'll be thrown out of town.
- What?! - At five o'clock the best coffee wins.
Either your coffee or a fresh warm cup of Tweek's coffee.
Like an old sweater that keeps getting warmer with age, you can count on Tweek's coffee to start your day.
Tomorrow for the Prop Ten vote we'll set up ballot booths… here.
Alright and then we'll put up the stage here.
Before the vote we'll get a band that everyone likes, like, uh, like - like - Toto.
Like Toto.
And then the Harbucks guy will have five minutes to speak and then those boys will have five minutes to speak and then the town votes.
- Uh boys, you better get your asses to work.
- What now? They're expecting you to give a big speech on corporate takeovers and this time it has to last five minutes.
- Oh god, when is this gonna end? - Your dad really screwed us Tweek.
Jesus dude.
I'm to blame for all this.
I'm to blame for everything! - So what are we gonna say? - Why don't we just read the paper we wrote last time? Because then they'll we didn't write it dummy.
We have to be original.
Does anybody know anything about corporations? - I think my mom is a corporation.
- Ya that makes sense.
- You guys! - How about we say corporates should be stopped.
- How do we stretch that into five minutes? - They're taking my underpants! Will you stop with the underpants gnome, Tweek? We have to work here.
- What the hell? - Well I'll be damned.
That's my last pair of underpants! - Don't scare him.
- Hey there little guy.
- Bad! - Cartman! - What? Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick? Well look at him.
He's all… you know… look at him.
- Is that all you got pussy? - What?! - Hey he talked.
- Ya he called me a pussy.
I'm not a pussy you're a pussy! - You're a pussy, pussy.
Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants? - Ya, look what you're doing to this poor kid.
Stealing underpants, big business.
- Business? Wait, do you know anything about business? - Sure that's what gnomes do.
- Show us.
Ok.
Follow me.
Little pussy gnome.
Don't call me a pussy.
- Not much longer now.
- Oh are you taking us to your little pussy house? - No Pussy, I'm taking you to my village.
- Oh, your pussy village? Cartman will you just shut up and let him show us? Follow me.
- I hope we're not wasting our time with this little pecker.
Well, it looks like Harbucks will never make it in this town.
Alright boys.
That's it.
Pack it up, we're moving out of town.
But we just finished.
- I know.
But these folks obviously don't want us here.
But what will become of us? Oh quit being so melodramatic, Sanchez.
Jesus Christ.
Damn, dude.
This place is huge.
- Ya, It's almost as big as Cartman's ass.
- No it isn't you guys.
- This is where all our work is done.
So what are you gonna do with all these underpants you steal? Collecting underpants is just phase one.
Phase one collect underpants.
So what's phase two? - Hey, what's phase two?! - Phase one we collect underpants.
Ya, ya, ya.
But what about phase two? - Well phase three is profit.
Get it? - I don't get it.
You see, Phase one collect underpants, phase two - Phase three profit.
- Oh I get it.
- No you don't fat ass.
- Do you guys know anything about corporations? - You bet we do.
- Us gnomes are geniuses at corporations.
Jesus, look out! - Oh my god they killed Kenny.
- You bastards.
Listen we have to give a huge speech about corporate takeovers.
Holy shit, we killed your friend.
Look, we gotta know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed.
Christ! We squished him like a bug! - Do you know anything about corporate takeovers? - Well we can explain that to you easily.
- Yes, for a price.
- What? - You know.
- Underpants? Underpants! Toto ladies and gentlemen! Alright and now before we all vote yes on Prop Ten, here to remind us why are the loveable innocent children.
Since we are so concerned with the corporate takeovers, we went and asked our friends the underpants gnomes and they told us all about big corporations.
Underpants gnomes? - Big corporations are good.
- What's this? - Good? Because without big corporations we wouldn't have things like cars and computers and canned soup.
Even Harbucks coffee started off as a small, little business.
But because it made such great coffee and because they ran their business so well, they managed to grow and grow until it became the corporate powerhouse it is today.
And that's why we should all let Harbucks stay.
That's not what you said last time.
- Well the truth is we didn't write that paper last time.
You little turds! You've ruined my life for the last time! These boys are absolutely right.
We've been using these poor kids to pull at your heart strings for our cause and it's wrong.
We're as low and despicable as Rob Reiner.
You keep protesting and complaining, but did any of you even bother to taste Harbucks Coffee? Harbucks Coffee got to where it is by being the best.
Don't you think you should at least try it? Hey, this is pretty damn good.
Ya it doesn't have that bland, raw sewage taste that Tweeks Coffee has.
Hey, hey that is good.
- It's a French Roast.
- It's suttle and mild.
Mild like that first flash of sun on an April morning.
This is coffee the way it should be.
Hey, no hard feelings Tweek.
Ya know, we still need some one to run this Harbucks Coffe House.
I'm sure it will make a lot of money.
Thank you Mr.
Poston, but I think we'll be fine with the money we make selling our son into slavery.
Just kidding son.
I love you guys.