The Golden Girls (1985) s02e17 Episode Script

- Sophia, what are you doing up? - I'm cooking.
I couldn't sleep.
Me neither.
What are you making? Sausage and peppers, pasta pesto, and ziti with oil and garlic.
- And what's this? - Garbage.
Rose cooked it.
This kitchen smells terrific.
My chipped beef must be done.
Sophia, would you like a scoop on some lightly-toasted bread.
Do I look like Beetle Bailey? Ma, guess who I was on the phone with.
- Uncle Vito.
- How did you know? I picked it up and listened.
It's a little thing I do.
My Uncle Vito is coming to Miami and he's staying with us.
He arrives Thursday.
He's staying a whole week.
- Where's he gonna stay? - My room.
I'll sleep with Ma.
I was staying with you.
My cousin Milo's coming, don't you remember? He's gonna be in town for the 14th Annual Hog Expo.
Is it the 14th Annual already? It seems just like yesterday it was the 12th Annual.
Sunrise, sunset - Sunrise, sunset.
- Dorothy, now cut it out.
What are we going to do? We'll figure out some arrangements.
We always make do.
Everything'll work out fine as long as I do not have to sleep with Rose.
Me? Why don't you want to? Honey, for starters, you talk in your sleep.
Let's face it, you're no Dick Cavett awake.
I do not talk in my sleep.
Yes, you do too.
And you snore.
No, I don't.
Dorothy snores.
Right.
Dorothy, you snore worse than a sailor passed out at an adult motel after a night of unbridled passion while I called a cab to take me ho Never mind.
The point is, you snore.
None of you is a day at the beach.
Remember when we had that cold snap and the heat gave out? What a night.
Salvadore, if you wanna fool around, take off your T-shirt.
You're gonna get linguine all over me.
Ma.
Ma, go back to sleep.
It's just me.
Dorothy.
Get the hell out of my bed.
Ma, have a heart.
The heat went out again.
I'm freezing to death.
You're the only one with an electric blanket.
I'll die under here with you.
You're like a heat sponge.
You'll suck up the heat and I'll get up a frozen fish stick.
Don't be ridiculous.
Turn up the heat.
It's already on nine.
On ten you can cook a Lean Cuisine.
Good night, Ma.
You know, Ma, this reminds me of the time the heat went out in our apartment in Brooklyn.
I was about seven years old, cos I was still sleeping with my rag doll Mrs Doolittle.
I woke up in the night with my teeth chattering.
I got out of bed and tiptoed to your bedroom door.
I opened it a crack and I whispered, "Mommy, Mrs Doolittle is cold.
" "Mommy, Mrs Doolittle.
" - Dorothy? - Yes, Ma.
Cut the crap, I'm not in the mood.
Girls, girls, can I please share your electric blanket? - No.
- Come on.
I can't sleep.
My bed's never been so cold.
Specially on a Saturday night.
All right.
Get in.
Did you hear that sound? Yeah.
In my own bed, I'll do what I want.
I meant it sounded like the heat kicking on.
Thank God.
Get back to your own beds.
- Everybody.
- What are you doing? Trying to get the heater to work.
Rose, you're a genius.
Boy, that's a sentence you don't hear every day.
She's working great now except for one little thing.
I turned the air conditioner on and now it won't go off.
Great.
It's going to be colder inside than it is outside.
You're right.
There's an icicle forming on the nose of my bunny slippers.
Move over.
There.
That's not so bad.
Get your bunny nose out of my butt.
- Let's just get some sleep.
- Good night, Ma.
Good night, Moe.
Good night, Larry.
I can't sleep.
I'm on the wrong side of the bed.
I usually sleep on the right and I wanna be on the right.
What the hell is everyone so particular about? In Sicily, four in a bed is a treat.
It means half your family is on vacation.
I slept with my two brothers until I was 17.
I was engaged to one for a short period of time.
But that's a separate story.
I wouldn't mind hearing it.
Rose, shut up.
Everybody, stay where you are and go to sleep.
I have to go to work early in the morning.
Darn, I forgot something.
Go in your pyjamas.
No, it's not that.
I forgot to say my prayers.
Rose, God wouldn't mind if you skipped a night.
He's very busy these days.
Most of his free time is spent talking to Pat Robertson.
Hello, God, it's me.
Rose Nylund.
Sorry to get in touch so late.
I hope I didn't wake you.
Oh, God.
One at a time, Blanche.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I think you're still doing a terrific job.
Course, there's some things I don't understand.
Like poverty.
And the spokesmodel category on Star Search.
But then again, you work your wonders in mysterious ways.
A couple of years ago, on a night like this, I'd have frozen to death cos I was by myself.
Now I have Dorothy and Blanche and Sophia to keep me warm.
Not just on a cold winter's night, but all year long.
Take care of them, God.
If anything happened, I just Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer.
Now shut up and get into bed.
Amen.
- Nice work, Dorothy.
- Wasn't me.
Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble.
Now I lay me down to sleep You know, I'd almost forgotten about that night.
With all of us cramped into that bed, I had to sleep in positions I never thought possible.
Me too.
- When will the food be ready? - My chipped beef is ready.
- I wanted something hot.
- Mine's hot.
- I wanted something spicy.
- Mine's spicy.
She wanted something that wouldn't test her gag reflex.
I'll fix you a plate of mine.
I'll try some of yours, Rose.
Coming right up.
I hate thunderstorms.
They make me a nervous wreck.
That's another reason I can't bunk with you.
Everything makes you nervous and when you're nervous, you get unbearable.
You remember that awful night you barged into my room like a lunatic? I was ready to kill you.
Come in.
Blanche.
I heard on the radio two killers escaped from the Georgia State Penitentiary.
- So? - So.
They could be heading here.
Honey, they escaped in Georgia.
- Why would they come to Miami? - For the same reason we did.
Eligible men? I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
I just thought you ought to know.
I appreciate it.
I won't bother you again.
Good night.
Please, Blanche, please.
I'm too scared to go back to my room.
This kind of thing has frightened me since I was a girl, when I first heard my parents whispering about the St.
Olaf slasher.
Slasher? Yes.
He terrorised St.
Olaf for months.
In the dark of night, he'd sneak into an unsuspecting farmer's field and mercilessly slash his scarecrow to shreds.
He was a scarecrow slasher? Primarily.
Although he was suspected in the disfigurement of several whisk brooms.
I was so scared, I'd sleep in the closet.
Rose, get into bed but don't say another word.
You'll never even know I'm here.
Fine.
- When are you coming to bed? - In a minute.
What are you doing? I am contouring my eyebrows.
I use Miss Christie Brinkley as a guide cos we have the same bone structure.
I hope she doesn't go to pot after that baby comes.
I don't want that big-eyed husband of hers coming after me.
I never do very much with my eyebrows.
That's why, from the nose up, you look like Wilfred Brimley.
Don't say another word.
Just go to sleep.
- Can I leave my light on? - All right, yes, yes.
I want you to know, I really appreciate this.
Did I just say go to sleep? I can't, I'm too scared.
- Tell me a story.
- What? It worked when I was little.
- I don't know any stories.
- Make one up.
All right.
Once upon a time - there were three bears.
- Not that.
- Pigs.
- No.
Elephants.
They lived with a girl named Rose.
The elephants lived in the house? They were elephant dolls.
When Rose went to bed she'd take the elephants because they made her feel so safe.
- Elephant dolls? - Right.
Elephant dolls.
Until they got so tired of Rose annoying them that they went to sleep someplace else.
And two escaped convicts snuck in and murdered Rose in her sleep.
Rose.
Rose.
Grow up.
Sophia, that ziti was delicious.
Please, tell me something I don't know.
Dorothy, you didn't even taste my chipped beef.
Of course I did, Rose.
- You didn't like it.
- That's ridiculous.
I loved it.
Then, have another bite.
Okay.
The power lines must be down.
Great.
I've got 10Ibs of fresh clams in the refrigerator.
Rose, that was delicious.
Thank you.
Who moved my purse? Why does it feel so heavy? Now, listen, you know, we have these people who are coming to visit and we still haven't decided on our sleeping arrangements.
- I'll sleep with Sophia.
- No, I should sleep with Ma.
We've done it many times before.
We always get along fine.
Except when you're sick, like when you had bronchitis.
Honey, I was really ill.
Cool as a cucumber, thank God.
Ma, you woke me up.
It's time to take your medicine.
I just took my medicine.
You took it after dinner, then you fell asleep.
Read me how much you're supposed to take.
I don't remember.
- Two teaspoons every six hours.
- That's wrong.
It's here in black and white.
The pharmacist made a mistake.
He's not perfect.
If he knew what he was doing, he'd be a doctor instead of dressing like one.
Give me a break.
I'll take my medicine later.
- You're a lousy patient.
- What do you want from me? - I'm sick.
- I don't know that? You think I sat here for three nights just to look at you? Believe me, you're no oil painting.
I've been here because I thought you needed me.
You needed me when you had the mumps, the chickenpox, whooping cough, rubella.
Or was Rubella our cleaning lady? It doesn't matter.
The point is, it hurts me to see my baby sick.
But if I'm only being a nuisance, I'll leave you alone.
Come on, Ma, wait.
Ma, no, don't.
Ma.
Ma, don't go.
Ma, Ma.
Please.
Come back here, Ma.
I do need you.
I do need you.
I'm sorry, I'm just cranky.
You're right.
I am a lousy patient.
I always have been.
I remember when I was a little girl and I used to get those terrible chest colds.
And you'd whip up a batch of that homemade liniment to rub on my chest.
That was nasty stuff.
Cod-liver oil, garlic, petroleum jelly, parsley.
I remember once I asked you, "Why parsley?" You said, "Presentation is very important.
" Whenever I saw you coming down the hall with that ceramic bowl and a paintbrush, I'd run and hide under my bed and cry.
Then you'd rub some on my doll, Mrs Doolittle, to show me that it didn't hurt.
I'd come out from under the bed and you'd put it on my chest.
Next day I'd always feel better.
You remember, Ma? Good night, Ma.
Thanks for everything.
I heard every word.
I wasn't asleep.
Just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone.
I did that with your father.
It only worked about half of the time.
Asleep, awake, it didn't matter to him.
Men are built that way.
It's a fact.
Dr Art Ulene explained it on the Today Show with a plastic model.
Please, Ma, you slept like a baby.
I know because I spent the whole night awake in that chair.
It couldn't be worse than sleeping on a wooden bench in the middle of a railway station.
Boy, you do it anyplace, don't you, Blanche? Blanche is talking about coming back from Edna McCarthy's funeral.
Edna McCarthy is dead? My God, that's terrible.
I just sent her a chain letter.
There's a dollar I'll never see.
What a terrible night that was.
We were trying to make a connection to get back to Miami.
We only have ten minutes to catch our train.
I can't take another three hours on a train.
I'm looking forward to it.
But then again, I've always loved trains.
Excuse me.
What track does the 9:15 to Miami leave on? Ma'am, we've only got one track.
But we call it track 19.
Nobody knows why, but it gives everybody something to talk about while they're waiting on the next tornado to hit their mobile home.
Thank you very much.
And please say hello to Opie and Aunt Bee for me.
Let's wait on the platform.
It'll be along in a minute.
The 9:15 to Miami left at 8:45.
How could our train have left a half hour early? All the trains out of Apalapachoby leave early.
That's what our town's famous for.
Y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our trains leave early" right on the town seal.
You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those horns? No, but he'll balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish.
This is like The Twilight Zone.
Somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.
Yeah, when is the next train to Miami? We've got one scheduled to leave at 6am tomorrow morning.
Does that mean it'll actually leave at 5:30? Welcome to Apalapachoby.
I don't believe this.
This has to be the most depressing day of my life.
First, Edna McCarthy's funeral, now this.
Being at her funeral made me think about how quickly life can pass you by.
Maybe I ought to be more adventurous.
More adventurous? The Kamasutra had to publish a supplement because of you.
I don't mean men, I mean things I've always wanted to do, but never got around to trying.
Dorothy, didn't you have something you wanted to do, some secret desire you kept on the back burner? I always wanted to try a nudist camp.
Some big pots belong on the back burner.
Don't you have a cousin you should be dating? Wait a minute.
You said there weren't any trains until morning.
No more trains to Miami.
That's the 9:20 to Sarasota.
Maybe we should try and get some sleep.
I won't be able to sleep.
I'm too depressed.
Me too.
This has been a terrible day.
A friend's funeral, stuck in a station in the middle of nowhere, trying to sleep on a wooden bench.
I don't think I have ever been this depressed in my entire life.
Rose, take off some of that make-up before you go to sleep.
What? I don't believe it.
A circus.
Where did they come from? The 9:20 to Sarasota's a circus train.
Girls, this is a miracle.
Our paths crossed here so they could cheer us up.
Excuse me.
Mr Clown.
Could you do something to put smiles on the faces of three Gloomy Guses? Buzz off, lady.
I'm on a cigarette break.
What a terrible night that was.
It wasn't so bad.
Something good came out of it.
I dated Floppo the clown for several months after that.
You know, his feet really were that big.
Which, of course, as I'm sure you're both aware, means Ma, is there any more of that ziti? There's not a drop of food left.
- Let's call it a night.
- Wait a minute.
What will we do about Milo and Vito? They're family, they'll understand.
Let's chip in and put 'em up at the Holiday Inn.
- Sounds good to me.
- Me too.
What about you, Ma? You know, in the right hands and the right bag, this chipped beef is not half bad.