Frasier s02e18 Episode Script

We've time for one more, Roz.
We have Sid on three.
Hello, Sid.
I'm listening.
'Hello, Dr Crane.
I fear talking on the phone to people I do not know.
'I freeze up.
'It is a severe handicap in today's fast-paced world.
' Are you reading what you're saying? 'Yes, I am.
'The only way I can communicate is to write out everything in advance.
' What if someone asks you something you haven't anticipated? 'Thank you for your insightful comments.
Goodbye.
' Wait! Sid! Sid, your insecurity lies in your fear of making a mistake.
You have to practise.
If you work at it, you too may achieve the command and confidence to which we all aspire to be having.
This is Dr Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
- That was a show good.
- Thank you, Roz.
- Knock, knock.
- What are you doing here? Want to go to lunch next week at the Empire Club? - You know a member? - No.
But you may.
What are you up to? You had that same look when you found Flagstad's 1932 "Götterdämmerung".
If all goes well, my lapel will be sagging under the weight of a membership pin.
You'll fit in with those blue bloods who wouldn't even spit on the rest of us.
Don't jinx it.
I'm not in yet.
There's still a party where they screen prospective members.
- How did this come about? - I thank Maris.
She spent years cultivating relationships until fortune smiled on us.
Old Judge Clements suffered a stroke and a vacancy opened up.
Gives new meaning to "a stroke of luck".
It gets better.
There are actually two vacancies.
Edgar van Cortland was indicted in a scandal.
Frasier, I think my time has come.
- I'm very happy for you.
- That's generous of you.
Especially as you've dreamed of a membership.
A lesser man would be jealous.
- You're not? - No.
- They have a planetarium.
- So? I think my work here is done.
- So he's getting into the Empire Club? - It appears so.
He deserves to have lunch in that private dining room, read in that fabled mahogany library.
- It's eating you? - Like a bacteria.
If he gets in, I should too.
What if I know someone who could get you invited? - Don't toy with me.
- Mr Strickland, please.
It's Roz.
- Walter Strickland Junior? - Senior.
- How do you know him? - The less you know, the better.
I need more comfortable shoes.
My dogs are killing me.
- Pardon? - My "dogs".
My feet.
- What do you call them in England? - By their rightful names.
Except Uncle Harold.
He named his anatomy after the royal family.
He walked on the Queen's pins, sat on the Duchess of Kent.
A jolly fellow until Aunt Kate caught him introducing the Prince of Wales to a waitress.
- Are you almost finished? - Yes, I am.
You'll have the handsomest midriff.
- I hope my date concurs.
- Who are you taking? Dr Susan Anderson.
She's as boring as toast but a brilliant physician and socially well-connected.
Isn't Niles a little ticked off? Yes, but I convinced him if we work together we'll secure both vacancies.
It's like when you were kids.
If one has something, the other has to, too.
I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen.
When you moved out, that was one embarrassing garage sale.
- Hello, Niles.
- Ready? - No.
Susan's at the hospital.
- Where's Maris? In the Mercedes practising her vivacious giggle.
Let's go over our strategy.
I made a crib sheet on each member.
"School ties, business affiliations, hobbies, mistresses.
" I also researched our competition.
Don't worry.
One of them flies coach.
We're as good as in.
Unless I just had a terrifying thought.
What if another candidate researched the skeletons in our closet? Damn it! - That's as bad as it gets.
- I wouldn't be so sure.
They wouldn't look kindly on your arrest for mooning President Nixon.
I was young and firm and in love with an anarchist.
That's minor compared to your suicide attempt.
It was not a legitimate attempt.
I did it to get Lilith's attention.
Maris and I should head over.
The others will get a leg up on us.
- Good idea.
See you there.
- Bye, Dad.
Hello.
Oh, Susan, I've been expecting you.
Are you in the car? No! You're still at the hospital? Of course I understand.
You were a sweetheart to agree to go in the first place.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Fat chance.
- Stood you up? - This is disastrous.
- Just go stag.
- I'd look like I couldn't find a date.
Why are we worried? We got a Cinderella right under this roof.
That's the last time I get grout up without wearing rubber gloves.
I've so much gunk under my nails, I look like I've been worming a pig.
Trust me, the English accent will sell it.
Oh, yes.
It's everything I ever imagined it would be and more.
What's that smell, Dr Crane? That's power.
Call me Frasier.
People mustn't know you work for me.
We've dated for six months.
All right, Frasier.
Anything else, Frasier? Are we in love or is this just a physical thing, Frasier? Stop that.
Oh, Niles.
How goes the chase? Brilliantly.
Daphne.
- Good evening, Dr.
Crane - What are you doing here? Frasier takes me everywhere, don't you, sweetheart? I'll go sample some hors d'oeuvres.
Back in a minute, darling.
- Sweetheart, darling? - My date cancelled.
Daphne's filling in.
You think I'd go out with Daphne? You are a man.
She is a goddess, whose bedroom is only 41 steps from your own.
Where's Maris? Apologising to another candidate's wife.
Maris bumped a dish of crabmeat into the woman's décolletage.
- Accidents will happen.
- As long as the hors d'oeuvres flow.
My God.
Feel this leather.
I have had pudding stiffer than this.
Frasier, Kenneth Spencer.
I'm sure it was satisfying being Phi Beta Kappa at Yale, but surely you would have been happier at Princeton? Anyone who's anyone went there.
Excuse me, I'm Kenneth Spencer.
As it happens, I went to Princeton.
No! What are the odds? I'm Dr Frasier Crane.
My brother, Dr Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
He's too kind.
He was eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.
Try this caviar, Frasier.
I met the most charming gentleman, Edgar van Cortland.
I thought he lost his membership in a scandal.
He was acquitted and reinstated into the club.
- Oh, he was innocent.
- No.
Just acquitted.
So there's only one membership? Yes.
But if one is selected you can bring the other as a guest.
If only one can become a member, I hope it's you.
- That's noble.
- I know what it means to him.
We can't risk another suicide attempt.
That's amusing, using humour to defuse a tense situation.
I'm sure that helped when you were in prison.
- Kenneth.
- Excuse me.
Stop it! Do you intend to run each other down and ruin both your chances? - You're right.
- Thank you.
Cocktails? Yes.
Your best 18-year-old Lowland single-malt Scotch.
- A discriminating choice.
- He has good knowledge of spirits from his years shacked up with a barmaid.
Mum says, "Why can't I meet your boyfriends?" I say, "The plane trip takes four hours - longer than my relationships last.
" There's Niles.
Don't look at him.
Pretend we don't see him.
Real mature.
Thanks to him I can't say the phrase I've rehearsed for a lifetime: "If you need me, I'll be at my club.
" This is so boring.
You owe each other an apology.
Yes, but I apologised first last time.
That means it's his turn.
Goody! I can be mature about this.
- Niles.
- Frasier.
After last night, an apology is in order.
I agree.
Well? - Well what? - I apologised first last time.
- No, you didn't.
- I did.
After the Monet exhibit.
My secretary left a heartfelt apology with your service.
So you did.
It is my turn again.
Damn! - I'm sorry.
- Me, too.
I'm a terrible person.
- We just turned on each other! - It was embarrassing.
My only excuse is that all my life I dreamed of belonging to a club.
As a child, when I formed clubs with my bears, some didn't make it.
Hello.
Yes, this is Dr Crane.
It's the club.
Yes? I see.
Thank you for considering me.
If you'd care to speak to my brother, he's here.
Be gracious.
Yes, I see.
Thank you very much for calling.
Goodbye.
Don't let it get you down.
We were fine without them before.
We're fine without them, aren't we? Oh, my God.
You got in.
Congratulations.
I'd better go break the news to Maris.
Niles, your getting passed over drains every drop of joy from this.
Thank you.
You're a good brother.
Yes! I got in! Shout it from the rooftops! Lattes for everyone! This is the proudest day of my life! Of course what really matters is family.
Beg.
Come on.
We've worked on this.
You can do it.
Beg.
Sit.
Good boy! - What are you doing? - Teaching him a trick.
- With my imported prosciutto? - It's worth it.
- Not unless he can sing from "Tosca".
- Where are you going? The Empire Club.
I've come to a moral decision.
I will insist they give Niles my membership.
That's a hell of a gesture.
I put myself in Niles' place.
He's spent 15 years trying to climb Seattle's social ladder.
Then within two years, I'm known throughout the city and I grab the prize he's wanted most of all.
It just isn't fair.
- You're a good kid.
- Thank you, Dad.
I'll say this while I still can If anyone needs me I'll be at my club.
Yes, the club.
The club that I helped you get into.
Now you're done with me, I'm just cast aside.
Unappreciated, unloved and forgotten.
I see the prosciutto isn't the only imported ham in the house.
Give me your shirt.
I need a full load.
- Anything white? - Yeah, but you're not getting them.
- Hello, Dr Crane.
- Hello, Daphne.
Dad.
Niles.
Just passed Frasier.
Where was he off to? He went to the club.
No wonder he was evasive.
I hope you don't mind my stopping by.
I had no place else to go.
Niles, you may get into that club yet.
- What? - He went to give his spot to you.
Is this a sick joke? You should be happy.
He's giving up his own membership.
What would I be happy about? This is humiliating.
My brother going to make them take me? His heart's in the right place.
Dad, they made their decision.
I don't want their pity.
I don't care if they invite me now, even if they BEG! Good boy! Excuse me, is the Club President here? Yes, Mr Drake is over there.
Thank you.
Mr Drake? - Dr Frasier Crane.
- Yes, of course.
The new blood.
Please sit down.
Sir, I've come here on a matter of personal business.
It's about my brother Niles.
Niles is sort of My God.
This leather's as soft as a baby's bottom.
On family night we bring babies in and do a blindfold comparison test.
That's a joke, Crane.
Yes, indeed.
Darn good one too, sir.
My brother may seem priggish but he's the most discriminating man I know.
You'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger snob in this room.
Excuse me, sir, a glass of port? - 1896? - What are you saying, Crane? Glad to be aboard, sir.
No, I came down here to say that my brother deserves membership more than I do and I want to step down in his favour.
- Are you serious? - Yes, I am.
After all, blood is thicker than port.
- I stand corrected.
- Let me be candid with you, Crane.
We were quite firm about accepting anybody in the entertainment business.
Radio psychiatrist falls into that category.
Radio psychiatrist? But Niles - There's been a mistake.
- No, there hasn't.
Dad said you'd try to get me in your club.
Don't bother.
I don't need you to fight my battles.
- But - Butt out.
You've made it clear how you feel, so I'd like to share how I feel.
I'd sooner spend time in a bus station than spend one moment with you smug bigwigs with your oriental carpets and overstuffed chairs My God, it's like a baby's bottom! You can't reject me because I reject you.
Yes, I'm talking to you, fuzzy.
I prefer being Niles Crane, everyman.
Friend of the average Joe.
Niles, they got our names mixed up.
I didn't get in.
You did.
What? It was you they wanted.
I'm in? Good God, don't just stand there.
Fetch me some port.
Escort these gentlemen out.
You can't think I meant the things I said.
Excuse me, sir, I must ask you to leave.
You and who else? Niles, we don't need this club.
Let us leave with dignity.
No.
There's been a misunderstanding.
I could just come part time.
Perhaps just one afternoon.
Thursday's a slow day.
I wouldn't talk to anyone.
I could just sit in a chair.
Please! Let me stay.
I belong here!