Mike & Molly s02e18 Episode Script

All right.
This should be more than enough kibble to last until I get back from Branson.
One bowl in the morning and another one at night.
That's easy to remember My sister's on the same schedule.
It's that kind of flipping attitude that will put Jim on a missing dog poster or spread eagle in a car grill.
She cannot be trusted with your little brother.
Don't worry about anything.
Just relax and enjoy your trip.
Well, the Altar Rosary Society has been planning this senior excursion for ages.
In fact, the lady who spearheaded the whole thing went toes up last month.
Oh, that's tragic.
We're still taking her with us.
She wanted her ashes scattered in the sawdust on the dance floor at Gilley's.
That's nice.
Well, she loved to boot, scoot, and boogie.
Plus, she was an alcoholic who never met a cowboy she couldn't buck before the bell.
- Sounds like a sweetie.
- I didn't care for her.
Anyway, make sure Jim has got his chew toy.
Otherwise, he'll be whisker-deep in his poop-shoot.
Mike's exactly the same way.
I've got to put Tabasco in his underpants.
You know what, if yuck-a-puck can't keep a cork in it, I'm just gonna stay here.
No, Mom, it's good for you to take these little trips.
When you go on vacation, it's kind of a vacation for all of us.
Peggy, relax.
We're gonna take wonderful care of little Mr.
Fuzzyface here.
Don't call him silly dog names.
It just embarrasses him.
Either call him by his Christian name, Jim, or his full name, James Douglas MacArthur Biggs.
Jim it is.
All right, we're out of here.
You just have a good time and we'll take great care of him.
Hopefully, it'll teach you silly hearts some responsibility for when you decide to have your own little 14-pound miracle.
Well, I'm sure if we ever have kids, we'll look back on babysitting your dog - as a valuable learning experience.
- Hmm.
What do you mean, "if we have kids"? - You mean "when," right? - That's what I said.
- No.
You said, "if.
" - What's the difference? "When" means we have to figure out the right time to have them, "if" means you and I need to talk.
Aw, I hate it when we need to talk.
When were you planning on dropping this bombshell? On our honeymoon when you're double-bagging your junk? Why are you harping on this? You know how I am.
Crap just falls out of my mouth.
It's your fault for listening.
Forget something? Oh, I was just teasing him.
You know how brothers are.
Just giving you the business, James Douglas.
You're lucky you're neutered.
I'm just saying, with the wedding and everything, don't we have enough crap to worry about without bringing kids into the mix? I'm not asking you to plant your seed on the ride home.
But I-I'd like to know that you're open to having a family.
Yeah, I guess! I don't know.
If it happens, it happens.
Do you have any idea how this works? Did you sleep through health class? Look, we don't even have our own place.
You really want to raise a child in a house with your mom and sister? His first birthday party will be at the Betty Ford Clinic.
When I said I wanted three kids and you said "sounds good," were you just saying that to shut me up? If I was, it clearly didn't work.
We are getting married in a few months, and I'd like to know that these breasts are gonna bring happiness to someone besides you.
When did you become so baby crazy? Am I gonna have to sleep with one eye open so you don't steal my sperm? You're gonna have to sleep with one eye open so I don't smother you with a pillow! Oh, ha, ha.
Real mature.
Ha, ha.
Real mature.
You forgot the dog again.
No, you forgot the dog.
Great mom you'd be.
For the first time in my life I see love.
- Morning.
- Morning.
I heard screaming coming out of your bedroom last night, and it didn't sound like the good kind.
Do you want to talk about some of the disturbing things I've heard coming out of your bedroom? "Hot buns coming at ya.
" Really, Mom? You're the one who gave me the chef's hat and apron.
To be used in the kitchen! I would, but I don't want you kids walking in on us.
Morning, Mrs.
Flynn.
Hello.
Yeah.
Whatever.
How'd you sleep, Mike? Back-to-back.
Not gonna have a baby that way.
Unless he's some kind of circus freak.
Have a pleasant morning.
Good day to you.
Yeah, whatever.
Okay, want to talk about it? No.
He's been leading me on this whole time, making me think he wants a family, and now he's backpedaling.
Remember when I took you kids to the circus and we saw that big bear on a unicycle? Hmm.
W-What does that have to do with anything? Beats me.
It just popped in my head.
I'm not getting any younger.
And if we want to have kids, two girls and a boy, Charlotte, Zelda, and Scott, he's gonna have to get on the stick.
Technically, you're the one who has to be on the stick.
I thought we had this talk.
Yes, we did when I was 12.
I just got over it about a year ago.
I'm just saying, you can't plan these things.
I mean, take me for example.
I never wanted children.
What? Hell, no! Only reason you're even here is because of too many tequila shots and an expired gas station condom.
Oh, God.
Don't want to know, don't need to know.
Oh, geez.
I was a wreck when I found out.
I mean, you know, I'm happy now, you were a blessing, blah, blah, blah But, oh boy, those were dark days.
Mom, f-feel free to take some of this to your grave.
The real fluke was your sister.
Your daddy and I were watching the Cubs on TV and there was a rain delay.
The ground crew had time to roll out their tarp, but your daddy and I didn't.
I walked this ugly bastard nine blocks and he wouldn't squeeze one out.
Nary a turd.
I, on the other hand, had to duck-walk to the 7-Eleven and take a crap with a dog on my lap.
I'm gonna just go to work.
Oh, have a good day.
You know, in the last couple of years, you girls have really started to grow on me.
I'd pet you, but I'm actually more of a cat person.
I'm not saying I don't ever want to be a dad.
But I'm not just gonna blindly jump into it.
I'm the kind of guy that likes to think things through.
Since when? I once saw you bite into a marshmallow that was still on fire.
It was falling off the stick.
I had to do something.
The point is, I really like what Molly and I have.
And if we throw a kid into the mix, it'll change everything.
Well, that's true.
No more naked leap frog in the living room when little Mikey's in there watching Road Runner, and gnawing on a big wheel of cheese.
Well, our foreplay usually just involves me rubbing her feet and turning off the TV, but I know what you're saying.
On the other hand, you and Molly are good people and would certainly make fine parents.
But that doesn't guarantee what kind of kid you're gonna get.
Take that idiot we arrested this morning.
I'm sure his parents are lovely people who never imagined that one day the little bundle of joy would try to rob a liquor store using an ear of corn.
His mistake was taking it out of his pocket and trying to fire a warning shot.
No, his mistake was waking up this morning saying, "I'm gonna knock off a liquor store with an ear of corn.
" A banana I could understand.
That's got a natural pistol grip.
But corn? That's just lazy.
Point being somewhere, there are two nice people who had high hopes for that moron.
It's true.
My parents had 14 children and a couple have been major disappointments.
Ah, don't be so hard on yourself, Samuel.
I mean, being a waiter may not be glamorous or even lucrative, but it's a good, honest living.
I was actually referring to my brothers, the pimp and the blood diamond smuggler.
But thank you for the ego boost.
Absolutely.
Hey, could I get a glass of orange juice? Of course.
I shall fetch a special glass of OJ just for you.
Fresh squeezed.
I wouldn't drink that if I were you.
Why not? See? And your parents probably had high hopes for you, too.
He's been doing it all day.
First it was funny, then it got sad, now it's back to being funny again.
You never see a cat carrying on like this.
They're dignified animals.
Clean their butts with their tongues.
He still grinding his balloon knot? Yeah, he's really rubbing it raw.
I'm a little worried he's gonna start a fire.
Probably a roid.
My uncle Benny used to get the same way.
But instead of a rug he'd use a long shoe horn.
I hope he's okay.
He's fine, he's in Miami Beach.
Got a nurse that rubs ointment on it.
She meant the dog, Vince.
Him? He's having the time of his life.
He's scratching his ass on a nice rug with a coupla pretty ladies watching him.
Aw, "pretty"? You're sweet.
Hey, what's going on? Your house guest is christening my new throw rug with his sphincter.
Ah, did he eat something weird? He won't eat at all.
Plus, he hasn't pooped all day.
That is miserable.
When I was taking pain pills for my back, I couldn't buy a good bowel movement.
And believe me, after nine days, money is no object.
Jim just threw up a little.
Well, somebody was bound to.
Jim just threw up a lot.
And he's not eating it.
Mm-mm.
This is serious.
Okay, we gotta go to the vet.
Come on, come on! Let's move it, people! Molly, calm down.
I'm sure Jim will be fine.
Hey, if anything happens to that dog, you tell that vet to put me down.
Otherwise, Peggy will come after me and do it her way.
And it will be slow, and it will be painful.
Got yourself a sick lizard there, huh? He's an iguana.
And yes, he's not feeling a hundred percent right now.
Looks fine to me.
I mean, fine for a big, scary lizard.
Iguana.
Iguana.
Jacob's been very stressed out since my husband and I split up.
He's listless, lethargic.
He doesn't want to do anything.
Well, I can see why you split up with him.
I'm talking about the iguana.
I know, I know.
I just I joke when I get upset.
My future mother-in- law's dog is sick and it happened on my watch.
And she's not exactly my biggest fan.
Not that I'm hanging her poster in my locker, if you know what I mean So, what do you, what do you feed this, uh thing here? Bugs or some kind of lizard chow? Iguana.
Boy, you don't open the door a crack, do you? Peggy, hey! How's Branson? Oh, everybody can't be stupid.
Jim? Jim's fine.
Uh, he can't talk right now.
He's, uh, doing business.
Uh solid, I guess.
Tapering nicely Well, uh, neighbors are watching out the window, so I'd better pretend to pick it up.
Okay, bye.
Sorry it took so long.
I was burning a doob back by the dumpst.
Oh, my God, that dog is really sick.
Iguana.
And head's up, he's got the personality.
So is Jim gonna be okay, or do we need to find another dog that looks just like him? They're still doing more tests.
But keep an eye peeled.
We may have to shave and paint a cat.
Been there, done that.
Who belongs to Jim? Oh, right here.
Is he okay? Well, he's got some sort of obstruction.
Looks like he swallowed something.
Is there any idea of how long it's been in there? Could this have happened a couple of days ago? Possibly.
Yes.
Could have happened on Peggy's watch.
What did he swallow? I've seen this kind of blockage before, and with a small dog it's usually a sponge or more likely, a tampon.
Well, Peggy's got an airtight alibi.
One, two Damn it.
How would you feel about you and Molly adopting a baby? It doesn't matter if it comes from her womb or some teen mom in Kentucky, you still gotta raise it.
Well, with adoption you get the exact model you want.
If it was me, I'd get a little Japanese kid.
They're smart, loyal and they don't bring their shoes in the house.
Sure.
Plus, they'll do your taxes, walk on your back and chauffeur your Green Hornet car.
Are you telling me you wouldn't want to have your own little Kato? Of course, who wouldn't? But you gotta be realistic.
One day, Kate's gonna need braces and wanna go to college.
NO, Kato don't need to go to college.
He's gonna be street smart.
Plus, if you're carrying a set of nunchucks, ain't nobody gonna make fun of your teeth.
Hey Mom, how's Branson? Well, everybody can't be stupid.
Jim? I don't know, I'm at work No, I'm sure he's fine.
Don't come home.
Look, I'll check on him and I'll call you later.
Boy, if she loved me half as much as she loves that dog, I'd weigh 130 pounds.
You can certainly understand her worry.
That dog is like a son to her.
Oh no, she treats him way better than a son.
She'd give one of her kidneys to that ugly mutt, but wouldn't drive seven blocks to pick me up at school when I broke my arm.
You're kidding.
She said she was busy putting air on her toe knuckles so she told me to hoof it.
Said, "You don't walk on your arm anyway.
" Which is ironically how I broke it.
Hey Molly, what's up? Jim swallowed a what? Operate? Well, can't they just pull the string? Tell that doctor, whatever has to do, no matter how much it costs, keep that dog alive.
Seriously, if he needs a new heart, come out, take mine.
That dog must live! How's he doing? They're operating on him to remove the blockage.
Mike, I'm so sorry about this.
It's not your fault.
It is.
I left my purse open and laying around.
I should be more responsible.
Hey, some of this is on Jim.
It's not like your tampons are made out of rawhide and wrapped in bacon.
Doesn't bode well for my "let's have a baby" campaign.
Ah, don't be silly.
That mutt's a garbage can.
He once ate a keychain flashlight.
Pooped it halfway out and took off running.
Looked like he was having a movie premiere in his butt.
I understand why you're nervous about having kids.
And you're right, it isn't something we should rush into.
Molly, the truth is, I'm just afraid I won't be a good dad.
What are you talking about? My mom wasn't exactly the most compassionate person.
Or loving or tolerant or even nice to be around.
I don't wanna pass that on to the next generation.
Are you kidding? You are nothing like your mother.
You are a joy to be around, and your feet are smaller.
You're just saying that 'cause you wanna have kids.
I don't just want kids.
I want your kids.
You are the kindest, sweetest man that I have ever known.
I don't even think I wanted to have kids before I met you.
Really? Hey, I teach fourth grade.
There's no better birth control than that.
Well, thanks to Mom, I certainly know what not to do.
Hmm I'm guessing that's half the battle.
And we can figure the rest out together.
When the time is right.
Okay, when the time is right.
You can feed 'em and change 'em, and I'll keep 'em from swallowing your lady things.
Deal.
I'll just do what my mom used to do.
When we went to the grocery store, she'd pull a pair of pantyhose over my head.
I looked like a three-year old bank robber, but it kept me from shoving a stick of deodorant in my mouth.
I'm no fan of your mother's, but that's actually brilliant.
Look at my baby boy.
He's gonna be scarred up for the rest of his life.
You don't think it looks manly? Kinda Kinda gives him like a rugged, "don't mess with me" thing.
If I wasn't afraid of leaving Jim alone, you and I would be in the driveway right now settling this bare-knuckle style.
Come on, Ma, your driveway-fighting days are behind you.
Tell that to the bouncer at Gilley's who tried to take away my coffee can full of Dolores.
He's gonna be fine.
The stitches come out in about ten days, and the vet said it won't leave much of a scar.
Then I can thank her for feeding my baby boy one of her cotton pontoons.
Why can't you wear a pad, like a normal person? 'Cause they're bulky and uncomfortable, and I feel like I'm sitting on a phone book.
I Plus, I I lead an active lifest Fine, I'll wear one.
I'll just strap it on.
It'll be a cold day in hell before I forget this.
I trusted you to take care of the only thing in this world I give a damn about.
Yeah, I'll bet you'd drive seven blocks if he broke his arm.
He wouldn't break his arm showing off for the girls' swim club.
When you told me the story, you didn't tell me there were girls involved.
Of course there were girls involved.
Why else would you try to walk on your hands? All right, all right! We should be thankful that Jim is healthy, happy and and loved.
Like you, Peggy.
Now why don't I go make us a sandwich? What are you gonna put in it? Rat poison? I was thinking about tuna fish, but whatever you want.
Mike, why don't you come help me? Miracle Whip, not mayo! Whatever you want, Mama Biggs.
Hear that, Jim? Whatever I want.
This guilt trip might get me a granddaughter named Peggy.
Or a grandson named Jim.
You know what? That does make you look more rugged.