Everybody Hates Chris s02e19 Episode Script

people didn't make a lot of money, so in order to make ends meet, people would gamble.
And you know what? I bet you a dollar you can't figure out which baby is yours.
All right.
I can't tell.
Just about everybody played the lottery.
- Those are tonight's winning lotto numbers.
- We won! We won?I won.
Get your ass out of my house! Even people who told other people not to gamble,gambled.
Let me tell you this.
gambling is a sin! With a capital.
Bingo!Bingo! People would gamble on anything.
Bingo,bingo.
I'll bet you a dollar you can't guess how many cans of tuna I got in here.
- Twelve.
- Damn! I bet you can't guess how many apples I got in my hand.
- Five.
- Damn! The one thing everybody bet on was sports.
What? I'm about to make some money, that's what.
I got the Bulls over the Bucks.
I didn't gamble,but I knew a bad bet when I saw it.
The Bulls can't beat the Bucks.
I mean,yeah,they have Jordan, but Don Nelson can coach circles around Kevin Loughery.
The Bucks over the Bulls? You're crazy! Wanna bet? but it paid off,anyway.
Well,ain't you the little odds maker? What are you talking about? Here.
What's this for? You called that game just right.
First I was down $50,now I'm up by $300.
All I get is this? Now.
When I said "bet", I didn't mean "bet" bet.
I was just saying.
Oh,you keep on just saying, and I'll just keep on paying.
How'd you learn so much about the game,anyway? Well,since I can't play,I watch.
I study the stats.
It's fun.
Too bad they don't have an all-star game for stats.
Now,what do you think about Jazz against the Rockets? Well,everybody thinks that Houston's gonna win because of the twin towers but that's only for rebounds and stick backs.
The Jazz can run.
Back at home,between Drew and Tonya, all bets were off.
He's up over the defensive line,and king me! So that don't mean nothing.
Bam!Bam!Bam! And that's it! Drew crushes Tonya again and the crowd goes wild.
I win,you lose.
My brother was good at everything except winning.
Why don't you shut up? Why don't you make me shut up? - Bet you don't win again.
- I bet you I do.
Bet you you don't.
All right then,bet what? While Drew and Tanya were putting their bets down Vanessa was giving my mother a heads up.
Did you hear about Doc? No.
What happened? He won $300 on the basketball game last night.
Gambling?I hate gambling.
My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it.
He'd gamble on anything.
Fights.
Come on,blue.
Let's go.
Come on,blue.
He gambled on races.
He even bet on the weather.
I got ten dollars on sunny and 79.
Doggonnit! So you don't gamble at all? No!Not at all.
What about Julius? Julius won't even bet you his own name is Julius.
The only bet my father would place was this.
I see your "20% off" coupon and raise you a "buy one get one free" coupon.
Too rich for my blood.
Fold.
I'll see your coupon and raise you a boot.
I'm out.
Yeah,I tell you what,I tell you what.
Now,you loan me ten dollars, I'll put aittle somethin' somethin' down on the Houston-Utah game for both of us tonight.
Nobody in this house is putting a little down on anything except the bills.
Told you.
After a few days of picking winners for Doc, it was starting to go to my head.
Good morning,Chris.
Why don't you take a day off,sweetheart.
You bet.
Cool hat,man.
Oh,thanks.
It's a Kangol.
Aren't those expensive? Yeah,well,I made some extra money when I gave Doc a couple of tips on the play-off games.
Are you crazy? You've gotta give that back.
It's gambling money.
Do you know what happens to gamblers? Greg,I'm not gambling.
And Bobby Brown's drug free.
I just told him who I thought would win.
Hello?That's gambling.
Greg,calm down.
What's your problem anyway? My mother.
- Was your mother a gambler? - Yup.
She lost a bet and had to marry my father.
Then she won another bet and got to leave.
And then there's the bet she lost that got Greg here in the first place.
Back at Doc's,he was more concerned with the line on the game than the line at the cash register.
But I think Dallas is gonna take this one.
You're going with Dallas over Portland? You should be committed,old man.
You know what? You both need to be committed.
Hey,Chris,what you think,man? Well,who's he supposed to be,Jimmy the Greek? No,that's Chrissy the Black.
He called me that even before he knew I could pick games.
So,brother man,what you know? Well,I know that the Portland defense is way too weak in transition to stop Aguirre and Blackman.
Plus,the Mavericks have something to prove so they're going to come out hard.
So I'm gonna have to go with Dallas.
And-and why should I listen to you? Well,don't and lose your money.
You know I Isot a side bet with somebody as dumb as you are.
No,we gonna see who's gonna lose some money.
Well,bet me double that.
Win or lose,I bet I'm in trouble.
Well,well,well,if it ain't Chrissy the Black.
I thought we was supposed to be friends, young blood.
What are you talking about? Doc had a little side bet on the Dallas game.
I was the side bet.
And I know you wouldn't listen 'cause your name is Risky,not Smarty.
Wait,what happened? I lost,that's what happened.
If I had known you were giving Doc his pitch, I wouldn't even bet him.
For the first time I realized,that while Doc was winning money,somebody was losing.
What?You're in on this? He ain't in on nothing.
I just give him a little taste when I win.
Well,if you're so on the money,uh, how about tonight's game? Oh,that's a big game.
There's gonna be a lot of money on the line.
Come on,man.
Help me out just so I can win my money back.
All right,just don't tell anybody.
I won't tell anybody,it's just between us.
" You ever notice how nervous you get when a big black car is following you.
- You're Chris,right? - Who are you? Shecky the Bookie.
My friends call me Shecky the Bookie.
And what do you want? Word on the street is you're pretty good at picking ball games.
Nah,I'm just lucky.
They build casinos on your kind of luck.
Look,your friend Doc,he needs to get unlucky.
And he needs to get unlucky tonight.
And if he doesn't,I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
And you don't want to see me tomorrow.
I didn't want to see you today.
Capiche? I wonder if that's Italian for "Did you just wet your pants? Dude,this is bad.
Tell me something I don't know.
The estimated weight of the earth is six sextillion tons.
Greg,that was a rhetorical question.
Sorry.
I to you this was going to happen.
Chris,there's only one way out.
And what's that? We can disguise you as a Dominican.
You'll speak Spanish and move to the Bronx.
We'll call you Salvador Armando Guillermo Sanchez Garcia Morales.
You'll never see your family again, but you won't have to pick any more games.
Or I could just pick the wrong team and everybody will think I'm a loser again and then nobody will ask me to pick anymore.
You could try that,too.
Baby,what are you doing? Trying to beat Drew at checkers.
- Well,shouldn't he be playing? - No.
Because he bet me three dollars that I couldn't beat him.
So I can't play him again till I think I can win.
Baby,you know your mother doesn't like gambling.
Checkers is just supposed to be for fun.
It was fun.
But every time Drew wins,he starts teasing me, and I just want to beat him until he cries! So,you know,it could be fun again.
I see why Drew is beating you.
Why? You've got to think before you move.
- Strategize.
- Strategize?In hcheckers? You're not playing checkers,you're playing Drew.
It's like.
you've played him over a hundred times.
You know all his moves,right? Yeah,he just wants to be kinged all the time.
So what you do is you leave him an easy way to get kinged, but you're really leading him into a trap to take all his checkers.
Just ask Paul McCartney's wife.
Hmm,thanks,Dad.
Uh,Daddy.
Can I borrow three dollars? Borrow? Okay,"have.
My man.
How are you at baseball? I don't know.
Well,come on,come on,we're on a roll.
I didn't know when that roll would end, but I imagined how it would end.
- My man! - Who are you? Wok?What happened to Doc? Jail? I'm not working for you.
Want to bet? I either had to stop Doc from gambling or learn how to skin chickens.
Oh,Chris.
I was just about to make that call.
Lakers,right? Um,you know what? I've been thinking,and I think you should go with Phoenix.
Phoenix?Over the Lakers? They just lost two games.
Yeah,I know,but they're at Phoenix.
You know,it's a pride thing, they don't want to get swept.
- You sure about that? - Yep.
Nope.
My man.
I'm his man today While I was trying to get out of gambling, my father was looking to get in.
- Hey,Julius! - Hey.
Vanessa.
What are you doing over here? Uh,listen.
Everybody in the neighborhood's been winning on the games.
Are you sure about the tips you've been getting? Sure as fried fish is greasy.
Who's giving the tips,anyway? I don't know,but he's good.
Doc hasn't lost a bet yet.
Can you put this on the game for me? Oh,okay.
And don't tell Rochelle.
Oh,no,wait a minute now, I'm not comfortable with that.
I can't lie to my friend.
You told her that perm looked good.
Look,I'm not asking you to lie.
I'm just saying.
keep quiet.
She'll keep it quiet,just like Paul Revere.
I'll tell her when I win.
All right,now,you better tell her, or I'll ||ve to.
Meanwhile,back at my front door.
- Can I help you? - Yeah.
I'm looking for Chrissy the Black.
- Chrissy the what? - The Black.
- Chrissy the Black.
- Yeah.
- Who are you? - Who are you? You don't ask me who I am, you're knocking on my door.
You got a point.
I'm Paulie the Bookie.
- Paulie the what? - The Bookie.
Shecky the Bookie told me I can find Chrissy the Black here.
- Chrissy the Black? - Yeah.
- You mean Chris? - Whatever.
- Who am I talking to? - Rochelley the Mom.
Oh,the Mom.
I thought you were his old lady.
Who are you calling old? I didn't mean it like that.
Look,what business do you have with Chris? There's a lot of action on the Phoenix game tonight and your boy,he's on a hot streak.
Shecky's got good action coming on the over and under and I was hoping maybe if I can a heads-up on the spread.
- Look here,Shecky.
- It's Paulie.
- Paulie.
- Yeah.
I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm done talking about it.
Look,lady.
It would be a lot easier if I talk to Chrissy about this.
I'm about to close this door and I suggest that your hand not be between it and the wall when I do.
And as for Chris,I hope you find him before I do, because his hot streak is about to be over.
Understand,Shecky? - It's Paulie.
- Whatever.
While I was nervous about tonight's game, Tonya was nervous about today's game.
You got your money? - Yeah,you got yours? - Yeah.
Okay,let's play.
Hello,everybody,I'm Jim Lampley.
Today,we're in Bed-Stuy for the World Checkers Championship, a showdown between Tonya and Drew.
In the past,Drew has routinely schooled Tonya at checkers, but today,Tonya is tremendously motivated, because three dollars are on the line.
The money's on the table.
Let's go to the action.
Tonya is the first to move, making the play for Drew's front pieces.
That looks like it could have been a setup by Tonya.
Drew is gonna have to pay for that move.
Oh,there's a tremendous move by Drew.
Here comes Tonya again.
All you can say to that move is,"King me.
" Tonya's on the defensive again.
That could be part of her plan- and look at that! A double jump.
Drew never saw it coming.
Drew is holding on, but there's every chance today.
he's going to get beaten by a girl.
There's another amazing move by Tonya.
She's really got Drew on the ropes now.
One jump,two jumps- what a move.
That's unbelievable.
Can Tonya come back now? The impossible has happened.
Tonya jumps all of Drew's remaining checkers all at once.
Tonya has won the game.
I won!I won! You lost.
I won.
You lost.
Now,give me my three dollars.
- You cheated.
- Did not.
- Did too.
- No,I didn't.
What is going onn here? You two are screaming like you don't have a mother.
A dispute has broken out, and under the rules of the championships, Mom is here to settle it.
- Tonya cheated.
- No,I didn't.
I beat Drew in checkers, and now he owes me three dollars.
And you're gambling,too? You ain't gonna be happy until somebody comes over here and breaks every knuckle in this family.
So Tonya over Drew in a checkers match to remember right here at the Palace in Bed-Stuy.
I'm Jim Lampley.
Good night.
I don't understand this.
Why everybody in this house knows how much I hate gambling and yet everybody in this house is gambling.
Can somebody explain this to me? Julius?Chris?Drew? Can you guys explain? Tonya.
What do you have to say for yourself,sweetheart? Drew was teasing me at checkers, so I bet him so he would stop.
Where did you get money to place this bet? Daddy.
Your daddy gave you money to gamble.
Isn't that sweet? Give it here.
Julius.
I was doing it just to help her build confidence.
You were building your daughter's confidence by turning her brother into a sucker.
That's good.
That's really good.
And Chrissy the Black? You're just there calling games like you're in Atlantic City,huh? Is that what you want to do if you grow up? Notice she said if.
- But I wasn't gambling.
- You wasn't gambling.
Well,I don't know what they call it, Mr.
Spread on the Over-Under but you better get ready to stop not gambling.
You better get ready to stop not gambling? The point is: boy,you better stop! Well,I already put a stop to it.
I lied to Doc about who was going to win tonight's game.
Oh,so you're gambling and you're lying? How long is it gonna be before we have bodies under this house? You lied about who's gonna win tonight's game? And what does that matter to you? - I placed a bet on that game.
- You did? When did you place a bet? A little while ago.
I gave it to Vanessa.
So you went behind my back to my friend? She said she didn't want to do it.
I- I told her I'd tell you.
Really?When? Now? How much did you bet? - Fifty.
- Fifty dollars? What happened to putting nothing down but on bills? Can't double your money on the light bill.
You're going to fix this.
- Oh,and you're going to fix this no - How's he going to fix it? You can't change a bet once you've placed it.
I don't care.
You're going to call Doc, and you're going to tell him the truth.
And you know what? I'm going to change your name from Chrissy the Black to Chrissy the Black and Blue.
It's amazing how fast bad news travels.
Hey,Doc,it's Chris.
What? Danny,Lakers over Phoenix.
Pull your bet.
Julio,Lakers over Phoenix- pull your bet.
Harry,no bet.
Don't bet the Lakers.
Perez,pull your bet.
Hey,man,pull your bet.
Did you do it? Tell him to pull his bet.
Reverend,yes.
pull your bet.
Yeah.
God bless you,too.
After all was said and done, I had won some money, lost some money put there was one thing I hadn't bet on.
Oh,man!Phoenix wins! Yeah,I won! - My man! - We won! Yeah!I told you,I put money on Phoenix.
Yes,we won! Baby,thank you so much,Chris.
This is great.
Oh,she got the money,got the money.
- Here's your money,Julius.
- Yes,yes,yes! Ooh,thank you.
Wait a minute.
There's only $50.
I know.
I know.
I didn't make the bet.
Just when I was about to put your money down, Chrissy the Black said don't do it- Phoenix is going to lose.
If it wasn't for him, we all would have made some money.
How was I supposed to know? You're Chrissy the Black? Yep,that's him.
You see? You got people thinking they're gonna win, when you know they're gonna lose.
If you'd let them lose,they probably could have won.
That's why I hate gambling! 'Cause you can't win for losing! Here's the part where I lose.
Now get your butt upstairs!