Frasier s02e19 Episode Script

Brian, let me assure you, no one is a born scatterbrain.
Just develop your powers of concentration.
On a trip to the Amazon I observed the hunters of the Shipibo tribe.
With only a crude blowgun they bring down monkeys from the forest canopy.
How? Focus and mental discipline.
We must work on that.
Focus on one thing and not get distracted We've been nominated for a SeaBea! But not so single-minded that we can't be spontaneous.
We'll be back.
Oh, Roz! This is wonderful! Two years in a row! They like me! They really like me! I have to lose five pounds in two weeks! That'll be enough of that.
Oh, Roz, I bought this for you this morning.
I was hoping I wouldn't have to say it was just for being you.
Thanks, Frasier.
This is great! Last year I wanted to win so much I didn't even enjoy it.
This year, I don't care.
I'll buy a beautiful dress, have my hair done, stretch out in the limo with my date Why bother having your hair done? Hey, Doc! Congratulations! Hey, Roz! Oh, OK.
Congratulations to you, too.
Four nominations, three wins.
I've been a symbol of broadcasting excellence in Seattle since 1991.
See ya, Doc.
- 30 seconds.
- Whom do we have? Line one is a Bainbridge shoplifter.
Line two is your "No.
1 fan.
" - Kari? - Fourth time this week.
All she does is gush and say you're wonderful.
And this hurts me how? Hello, Seattle.
Time for one call.
So, Roz, who do we have on the line? Oh, please.
- Hello.
You're on with Frasier Crane.
- 'Hi, Dr Crane.
It's me, Kari.
'Nervous as usual.
I hope you're not sick of me.
I think you're wonderful.
'Thank you for talking to me.
- Thank you for being so sweet.
- 'Thank you for giving good advice.
' Thank you for Sorry.
If that's all - 'That was a beautiful rose you bought.
' - I bought it for - Excuse me? - 'Don't be surprised.
I saw you.
- 'Not your regular routine.
' - My regular routine? 'Café Nervosa.
You go every morning.
Except today.
I'm boring you.
Bye.
' Goodbye, Kari.
That's all for today, Seattle.
Goodbye and good listening.
That was weird.
She's following you? She's hardly following me.
She may go to Café Nervosa.
The florist is next door.
Be careful out there.
There's a lot of creeps.
I've met lots of odd people and I've never called any of them a creep.
Stop wearing corduroys.
I can't see your panty line.
Although, some people do send me groping for synonyms.
- What are you up to? - Measuring your father for his tuxedo.
That reminds me.
Maris can't make your awards.
Colour me surprised.
Any reason? Yes.
It's a good one.
She's upset about her manicurist.
She's done Maris's nails for years and she's been taken critically ill.
How bad is she? She'll be fine when she finds another manicurist.
For now she's curtailed all public appearances.
I'm sorry.
It's not like I'm nominated every year.
Oh, wait a minute.
Yes, it is! As someone once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity.
" - You just made that up.
- Yes, but I stand by it.
Are you joining us for dinner, Dr Crane? No.
We're going to the opera.
- We're seeing - "Der Fliegende Holländer".
Don't forget the tickets are in your briefcase.
I can hear that first aria.
Don't, Niles.
You'll sing it, then I will, and I won't get it out of my head! What's this? "Dear Dr Crane.
A little bit of me to wrap around your neck.
"Your No.
1 fan, Kari.
" How sweet.
Your fan knitted you a scarf.
My case was with me all day, expect at the barber's.
That didn't give her more than 30 seconds.
She followed you then slipped a scarf into your case? - She's a devoted fan.
- With the handwriting of a sociopath.
Big loops.
That's how they caught the "Butcher of Brighton".
He used big loops.
A sign of anger.
He crossed his T's downwards, indicating aggression.
He also kept a Demitasse saucer full of eyelids on his night table.
Should we put a two-way lock on her door? There are weirdos around, so keep your eyes open.
She's not weird.
She just finds me fascinating.
The distinction would be? Her invading my space is inappropriate but I hardly think we should barricade the door.
First phone calls, then spying, then she was in your briefcase.
The predator is stalking its prey in ever narrowing circles or "loops".
- That's for you, Daphne.
- Thank you.
You make me sound like a goat being staked out.
No one's hunting me down.
No one is closing in on me.
Look! These must be from the station! "From your No.
1 fan, Kari.
"Your time has come.
You're going to get what you deserve.
" The loop tightens.
Stop it, Niles! She means it's time I won this award.
You will not turn me into a nervous wreck.
It's just not going to happen! 'I don't understand it.
I'm a successful guy.
'I have my own car dealership, but I'm depressed.
'You may have heard of me - Madman Martinez.
' What's the source of your depression, Madman? 'I guess it's just that business is down.
I don't know why.
'I slashed prices this week.
'I've an '88 Olds Cutlass on the lot 'in rare turquoise metallic, cordova roof, leather 'And there's six brand-new Supras, with a 20% discount to listeners.
'People say, "You're crazy!" I say, "I deal in volume!"' Fortunately, so do I.
Our time's up, folks.
Stay tuned for Bob Bulldog Briscoe after these paid commercial messages.
Roz, you're supposed to screen the calls.
Just douse me in gasoline and toss me a match.
I hoped a stern warning would do.
I'm talking about this.
Three hours till a limo picks me up and my nose erupts like Krakatoa! - It's barely noticeable.
- From where? The space shuttle? Vintage Roz, or what? I finally lose five pounds and I gain three of it back on my nose! I'm sure that with enough foundation and some contouring, maybe a little shadowing.
Have you considered wearing a beekeeper's mask? Do I make fun of that astrodome you call a forehead? It's been a tough week for me, too.
Kari's put notes in my briefcase.
She's even been to my apartment.
You have to do something.
Remember Leo the Happy Chef? He had an obsessed fan, too.
It started innocently, then she got into his house.
She bent his whisk and scratched his Teflon! She made his life miserable.
She didn't quit until he hired a bodyguard.
Should I find out who? No.
I can't believe Kari poses a real threat.
She hasn't even looked at me face-to-face.
She's had the chance.
Suit yourself.
But if you ask me, she's acting very weird.
- Tea good for your nose? - No, I found a bag to match my shoes You're dripping all over the console.
Oh, my goodness.
- Kari.
- How did she get in your jacket? I have no idea.
"I'm disappointed in you, Dr Crane.
"You didn't wear my scarf.
"The last man who disappointed me that way "is in his grave.
" "I'll be at the awards and I'll be looking for you.
Your No.
1 fan, Kari.
" Great! And I'm sitting at your table with a bull's-eye on my nose.
Dr Crane, you've got to try to relax.
Yes.
What do I have to be nervous about? If I lose this award, I'll be devastated.
If I win, my mad stalker will have a clear shot when I accept.
Don't worry.
That's why you hired the bodyguard.
I don't see why.
Even if something does happen, I was a cop for 30 years.
It's a waste of money.
They're skilled bodyguards, trained to size up a crowd, plan an escape.
- Even get shot.
- I know how to take a bullet.
That's just what your personality needs - another bullet.
That must be him.
Who is it? Lizzie Borden.
Could you autograph my hatchet? That's not very funny.
- Everyone ready to go? - We're waiting for his rent-a-goon.
He's stuck in traffic.
Or your admirer got to him first and he's stuffed in a closet with a bloated tongue and garrotted neck.
Is that champagne? You're a fountain of comfort! I'm just teasing.
I'm a little jealous.
I told Maris about your troubles.
All she does is sulk and talk about bodyguards.
"Aren't we important enough to be stalked?" I don't know what to say to her.
Tell her to go on being herself.
Her day will come.
That must be my muscle.
It's a woman! Where's my bodyguard now? It's Cindy Carruthers from the Unified Protection Agency.
Your bodyguard's named "Cindy"? Were they all out of "Tiffanys"? I was expecting someone big and wide.
A Dominic, a Rocco, a Ruth, even.
Hello.
I'm so glad to see you.
Thank you, Dr Crane.
But you made a fatal mistake.
Oh, my God! It is Kari! You should have called for a description before you let me in.
Hi, Tina.
Bring the car around.
- Tina? - I guess Candy was busy.
First rule: "Trust no one you don't know.
" Let me write that down! You're right.
I just feel silly when I act paranoid.
- Don't.
Paranoid is good.
- I was paranoid.
Who are these people? My brother, Dr Niles Crane, my father, Martin, and his care specialist, Daphne Moon.
You've seen a bit of mayhem in your day, haven't you? - Excuse me? - I sense these things.
I'm psychic.
Wait, I'm getting a flash now.
Did your grandfather have a steel plate in his head? This lunatic who's been calling you.
Any particular accent? No.
- You have a security system? - We don't need one.
We've got Eddie.
Hello, Eddie.
Don't be fooled.
Touch me and you'd get a ball-sized bite in your butt.
And Eddie would go for your ankles.
Look at the time.
Shouldn't we go? I'll secure the elevator.
Don't open the door for anyone.
I need your blood type, where the nearest trauma centre is, and which family members would donate organs.
Just so you know, I have unusually small kidneys.
Hello.
Crane residence.
- I think it's her.
- Niles, call Cindy.
Put her on speaker.
'I know you're rushed, but I wanted to say I'll be wearing a red dress.
'But don't worry about finding me.
I'll find you.
- 'Bye!' - Kari, wait! Don't let it bother you so.
Come on.
Let's go.
I find it hard to imagine a woman with such a sweet voice being dangerous.
Does the name "Squeaky" Fromme mean anything to you? There's a lot of red dresses so let's go over some rules.
Don't go anywhere alone.
Go to the men's room with a buddy.
Always keep your back to the wall.
That'll take some marksmanship.
I think I see her.
Red dress, standing by the bar.
She's staring at all the men but hiding her face.
That is my producer.
She's harmless.
She has a pimple on her nose.
Looks like a biblical plague.
Roz, over here.
Give me that.
You look beautiful.
Come join us.
- Hi.
I'm Cindy Carruthers.
- Hi.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Roz.
Just stop that.
You look terrific.
You've done a great job.
It's almost disappeared.
Whoa, Roz! Won't you guide my sleigh tonight? - And who's this lovely lady? - Cindy Carruthers.
- She has a concealed weapon.
- Makes two of us.
No kidding.
She's his bodyguard.
Wanna check out a body worth guarding? If I move my thumb I could kill you.
I've never been so turned on.
OK, let me go.
So can I call you? I wish she'd just make her move.
I hate thinking it could be anyone.
You know she's wearing a red dress.
- Maybe.
- What do you mean? I'm no professional bodyguard, but if I was looking to whack a guy, maybe I'd lie about what I was wearing.
No offence to your father but stick to looking for a red dress.
Here we are, good as new.
Should we all head up to the ballroom? Help me.
Niles, just hear me out on this.
Was it strange that Cindy dismissed Dad's theory? She's not wearing red.
You can't think she's the She couldn't But how could? Think about it.
She was out of the apartment when the stalker phoned.
So she was.
And we know she has a cellular phone! But why hasn't she made her move? Maybe she wants to get you alone.
Too many red dresses.
We'll take our own elevator.
Don't be nervous.
I'm not nervous.
Just a little chilly.
It's cold.
You should have worn a scarf.
Yes, I should have.
I meant to.
Honest.
Where's that elevator? I asked for this assignment.
The truth is, I'm a fan of yours.
But I guess you figured that out.
- Oh, my God! - What? There! There, behind the bar! Frasier Crane? I've waited for this moment for a long time.
I'm your No.
1 fan.
- Roz! Find Cindy! - Help me.
Get him off me.
It's Mrs Littlejohn, head of the nomination committee! This is a small world.
I know your brother, Aubrey.
For God's sake, help the lady up.
I'm so sorry.
I've been stalked by this woman named Kari.
- When you said you'd been waiting - To get an autograph! - Who's got a pen? - Thank you, no.
Let's hope we win because we won't get nominated next year.
Have you changed your hairstyle? What happened? Why did you run away from me? Paranoia has sent me crazy! First I thought you were the stalker, then I thought she was.
I'm going to confront this! Everyone, I will be in the lobby.
- Just calm down.
- Dad, please.
I will be in the lobby! You're Kari, aren't you? How did you know? You made a scarf like that for Frasier.
He's my son.
There's been a big misunderstanding.
I'm just a fan.
I never meant to frighten him.
What about that note about that guy ending up in his grave? That meant my husband, Walter.
He caught pneumonia.
I won't bother your son any more.
Could you tell him what happened? Yes.
If I'm lucky, he won't understand and I'll have to explain again.
He'll understand.
That's the one thing about your son, Mr Crane.
He's so smart and level-headed.
What's she been smoking? I'm here, you demented harpy! Come and get me! Kari? Kari! I know you're here, so come on out.
Not so brave any more, huh? You think you're tough but you have to hide in the shadows.
Want to see who's really tough? Just come on out.
When I said "tough", I was speaking clearly in a rhetorical sense.
Would any of you happen to have the time? Would any of you like the time?