Home Improvement s02e19 Episode Script

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you.
Welcome to Tool Time I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
'Course, you all know my assistant, Al "I live for Bingo" Borland.
Here on Tool Time we've showed you many different ways to cut wood, but nothing as fun as today.
Al, if we were gonna cut that piece of pine, what would you select? Well, Tim, I'd probably use the Binford 2,200 Circular Saw.
Mm, good choice.
Ooh, but what if we had blown a fuse? I see, we're at your house.
Well, then I'd use my trusty crosscut saw.
That's a good choice, but not today.
Today, we have something special for you.
And for that, we have to bring out a very special guest.
And I expect a big Tool Time round of applause for Robert "the Human Hatchet" Cho! If you were to cut that piece of pine, would you want to use a circular saw for that? - Won't be necessary, Tim.
- Hacksaw? - No, no.
- Coping saw? Here's a man who doesn't worry about losing his house keys.
Ha! I'm in! Mr.
Cho is here to publicize the karate demonstration this Tuesday night at the Fox Theater to benefit the Children's Hospital.
That's right.
Karate.
Boy, there's a sport with more power.
That's right, Tim.
But the secret is to channel that power - through focus and concentration.
- Yeah.
Two things I excel at.
Well, that and driving yourself to the hospital while bleeding.
Are you saying I couldn't break that board with my head? Well, Tim, he says it takes focus and concentration.
And I think we all know which one of us has that.
You think you can break this board with your head? - Yes, I do.
- Oh, really? - I don't think it's such a good idea, Al.
I - My show here, OK? - You're up to the challenge, right, Al? - It's all right.
Tim, Tim.
- I don't think that you should try this.
- Hey, quiet.
- I think there's one thing that you should - You've said enough.
- Well, you should know - It's my show.
I can do this.
I was gonna say I have studied karate.
Tim.
Buford Tools Messages We have them.
We'll be right back.
Well, what do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? - Spaghetti sauce smells terrific.
- Thank you.
Honey, um, this breadstick is too long for the bread basket.
Could you break that with your head? - I think I can handle that.
I can handle it.
- Focus.
- Hyah! - Ah.
- Hey, Dad.
Think fast.
- Not in the house! - You guys are jerks! - Oh, go play in quicksand.
- Oh, shut up.
- Stop it.
Come over here.
- What's going on? - They won't let me play football with them.
- Still? - Guys.
How many times do we have to tell you? Let your brother play.
We were just about to put him in the game when everyone had to go home.
- Yeah, that's right.
- You guys are lying.
Hey, hey, let me handle this.
You guys are lying.
Yeah.
Mark, get out of here for a minute.
We'll talk to them.
Stop doing that stuff.
What's the matter with you guys? - Dad, he's a huge geek.
- That is enough.
Now listen, the next time he wants to play, include him.
Yeah.
Well, Dad, he's always running out of bounds.
He's chicken.
He's not chicken.
He just doesn't have a lot of self-confidence right now.
He's afraid of getting hit.
Well, you know, just tell the other guys that he has some kind of horrible rash and they shouldn't touch him.
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, right.
Why don't you teach him something about football? Wouldn't that be a good idea? Like right now.
I'll teach you guys how to go a long pass.
Go long, come on.
Come on, in there.
Swerve.
Now, long! Go! Come on! Longer! Go long! Post pattern.
Go! Go! Dad, come on! I'm in the bathroom! Well, shut the door and take a shower.
I think you're right about Mark.
I think that he just has a self-confidence problem.
We should find him something that he can be good at.
I got it.
I got it.
How about - Flight attendant? - Karate.
No, no.
Karate is too violent.
What about gymnastics? That's a wonderful sport and he won't get hurt.
He won't get hurt? One slip on the pommel horse, boom.
- Why don't we just let Mark decide? - There's an idea.
- Hey, Mark! Come down here! - Coming.
I'll just ask him which he prefers, gymnastics or karate.
- I'll ask him.
- No, no, no.
I know you.
You'll just try to influence him.
I am gonna be fair and objective.
- No tricks.
- I won't say a word.
OK, Mark.
Sit down.
Your father and I were just talking and, uh We think that since Brad and Randy won't ever let you play with them, that you should take some kind of class where everyone gets to participate.
So, what do you think? Do you want to take gymnastics, or karate? I can take karate? All right.
Before you decide Before you decide do you remember when we watched the Olympics and we saw those handsome American gymnasts get their gold medals? - Jill - Shut up! They were standing, remember, on that podium, so proud.
And the American flag was raised, and "The Star-Spangled Banner" was playing, and America wept.
- Please! - Remember that? That could be you.
That could be you.
Mark Taylor, gymnast, representing the entire United States of America.
When does he get his Congressional Medal of Honor? Or you could take karate and, you know, probably lose some teeth.
Or slip on a pommel horse and squish your little Tim don't try to influence him.
I've just got one thing to say to you.
Tanaka Mothra! - Karate! - All right! Yes! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- OK, everyone stand up.
- Yes, sensei.
Push back.
I'm gonna show you a little piece of the demonstration I'm gonna do this weekend.
- Tim? - Yeah? - Having a muscle spasm? - No, I was working some karate moves.
Oh, is that what that was? You OK? OK, class.
Line up.
Yes, sensei? Yes, sensei.
Horse stance, one.
Hands out.
Hi.
Hi, Mark.
Kids don't wave at their moms during karate class.
Fighting stance.
Ready? Loud.
Ich, ni, san, hyah! Look at that.
He's got his fists clenched so tight his little knuckles are turning white.
Couldn't he loosen that up some? Oh, yeah.
Loose fist makes a very effective weapon.
That's how come boxers always come together with the referee.
"All right, guys.
Come out slapping.
" "Take that, you big mean man.
Take that, take that.
" Stop it.
He does look real cute doing this.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe karate's not so bad after all.
It seems pretty harmless.
I really should get home and start dinner.
I'll see you later.
- See you later.
- Bye.
Now we're gonna do some free fighting.
Push back.
- Free fighting? What is that? - It's just a term.
So is "cracked fibula.
" I've asked two boys from my advanced class to come do a demonstration for you.
Face each other.
Bow.
Fighting stance.
Two, three.
Ah-ya! - Ah-ya! - This is what you have to look forward to.
I don't think so.
It's pommel horse time.
Come on.
Sit down.
These are the experienced.
The advanced class.
Mark won't be able to kill anybody till he's or 10 or 11.
Oh, that's comforting.
Everyone, stand up.
Get a partner, quick.
Grab a partner.
Let's go.
Let's go.
You two, up front.
Hey, this isn't fair.
- That kid's way bigger than Mark.
- Shh.
All right, Artie.
Get ready to kick some butt, huh? Boy, there's a mom you could love, huh? Yeah, that butt she wants kicked is Mark's.
It's just an exercise.
Mark, go on.
Come on, buddy.
One, two! That's it, see? Keep your hands up.
Did you see that? That kid slapped him when the teacher wasn't looking.
Mark, let it go, buddy.
Let it go.
Focus, come on.
- High block, knife hand.
One, two! - Artie, grind him up, huh? Excuse me.
Ma'am, um I don't think you should be encouraging your child in this sort of behavior.
- What are you talking about? - Well, he just slapped my boy.
It's karate class.
That's what it's all about.
No.
Slapping is not what it is all about.
Hey, if stick boy can't take it, get him out of here.
He did it again! Hey, come on.
Tell your kid to stop playing dirty.
Listen, they are just having fun.
Artie is not gonna hurt stick boy.
Would you stop calling my kid "stick boy"? Then feed him something.
Face it, lady.
Your kid's a weenie.
Artie just gave him a little tap.
Well, how would you like it if somebody gave you a little tap, huh? Is that fun? - Don't touch me, lady.
- Hey, don't shove me.
Get out of my face.
Why don't you tell that to your breakfast doughnut? Hey, hey, honey.
Stop it! Hyah! - You OK, Dad? - Yeah.
Let me go tell Brad and Randy what happened.
No, don't.
- Brad, Randy! - I can't believe it.
I am so ashamed that I got into a fight with that woman.
You were just trying to protect our son.
Well, it was the karate class.
How can you not be violent when everybody around you is going hey-ha, ho, ya-ya! Hey, Dad.
I heard a woman slugged you with her purse? What happened, she wouldn't let you borrow her makeup? Son, you want to say that one more time to me? No.
Quit teasing your dad.
It's my fault.
I got into a fight with this woman.
- Oh, Mom, that's great! - No, it is not great.
- So, Dad, how'd she do? - She was awesome.
She stepped right in there, face to face, toe to toe.
It was great.
It was stupid, and it never would have happened if that woman had just stopped her son from hitting Mark.
Ooh, little Mark needs Mommy to fight his battles.
Shut up! - Cut it out.
Stop it.
- Guys, stop it! - Stop that! Come here! - Hey, when I tell you to stop, stop! You better watch out.
Another week of karate class, he'll be wiping the floor with you two guys.
- Yeah, right.
Look at him.
- No! Why are you all so fascinated with fighting? I don't want anybody to beat anybody up.
What is wrong with you people? You make me sick.
I just want you to love each other, you big bunch of jerks! Are you satisfied? I mean, she's talking to you two.
You bummed her out.
All she wants is us to show a little respect to one another.
- Is that too much to ask? - Dad, we're sorry.
Yeah, we'll try.
Dad got hit by a girl! Dad got hit by a girl! I know where you both live! And that's the proper way to repair a mortise and tenon joint.
- Good job, Al.
- Thank you, Tim.
Now, if we were building a coffin, would we have to build a rigor mortis and tenon joint? I don't think so, Tim.
Almost out of time, Al.
Just enough time for "Camouflage Corner.
" "Camouflage Corner"? - Yeah.
Didn't you get that memo? - No.
Must have been camouflaged.
Normally when we think of camouflage, we think of military.
Now this is your typical military soldier's tiger camouflage.
Now here's that same soldier in a Costa Rican jungle.
Where is he? Where is he? I can't even see him! He could be looking at me right now! I'm so scared! Al, there's also applications in your yard.
That tool shed of yours? A little unsightly out there in the backyard.
All right.
Now, here's a way to camouflage.
You can hardly even tell it's there now.
- Think you've finally lost it, Tim.
- I'm just joking around, Al.
Actually, camouflage has many applications, even around the house.
Lisa, bring that out, please.
Let's take wallpaper.
Wallpaper can be used to decorate a wall or disguise an unsightly wall switch.
Now see, can you find the switch here, Al? Well, they're usually They're usually right along the Not as easy as it looks, is it, Al? That's camouflage for you.
Woop! This is ridiculous, Tim.
I don't want to be a part of this anymore.
I'm sorry, Al.
Just trying to make a point.
Here, put these away for me, will you? Come on.
Put 'em Just grab them, Al.
Grab the darn things, Al.
Al? Hey, Al, where'd you go? Al! Al! All right, one more time.
Ready? Fighting position.
Ich, ni, san, hyah! Again, again, again.
Fighting position.
Ich, ni, san, hyah! - That's good.
- Let's do it again.
No, I don't want to wear you out before class.
- I'm not tired.
- Oh, you're tired.
I know when you're tired! I can tell just by looking at you.
- Hi-ho, neighbor.
- Hi, Wilson.
How are you? - You all right there? - I'm great.
I got him in a karate class.
We're out here to practice moves.
Oh, yes, karate does build up the stamina.
Yeah.
Jill thinks I have him taking the karate class so it'll teach him how to fight.
Oh, so Jill thinks you have a predilection for aggression.
- Predilection? - Let's just say proclivity.
- Proclivity? What else you got? - How about inclination? Inclination, yeah.
Well, that's what she thinks, anyway.
But you're not actually encouraging Mark to fight.
No.
I just want him to be able to stand up for himself.
If he gets in a bad situation, I'd like him to be able to kick butt in a major way.
- But every dad wants that, you know.
- Gandhi's dad didn't.
Well, maybe Gandhi was a major disappointment to his dad.
Maybe Gandhi didn't eat because he wouldn't fight kids for his lunch money.
How about that? Tim, are we talking about the same Gandhi? Not unless he went to my elementary school.
You see, when I was that age, if I couldn't wisecrack my way out of a situation, sometimes I'd run.
And I'm thinking that karate would give Mark, you know, the ability to stand up for himself.
Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the Greek historian Herodotus said: "Where wisdom is called for, force is of little use.
" Of course wisdom is the best way to go.
But when a fat kid is slapping you around, you don't have time to be thinking about reciting the state capitals alphabetically.
Well, that's interesting.
Albany, Annapolis, Atlanta - Wilson.
Wilson! - Augusta, Austin, Baton Rouge - You got a minute? - Oh, I'm sorry, neighbor.
Do you think it's a bad idea to teach the kid karate? You just have to remember that when you give a boy a weapon like karate, that he's mature enough to know when to use it.
- Yeah, he is a little kid, isn't he? - Mm-hm.
- Have a good day.
- Mm-hm.
Bismarck, Boise, Boston, Carson City Charleston! Cheyenne, Columbia - Dad, is Mom coming? - No.
What are we gonna do in case there's trouble? - There's not gonna be any trouble.
- Bow.
If Artie pushes me, I'm gonna give him a karate chop.
You're not ready to karate chop anybody yet.
You don't know enough about karate.
But you're learning.
You're gonna know pretty soon.
- Then I'll beat him up, I guess.
- No, no, no, no, no.
With guys like Artie, once they know that you have the skill to actually beat them up, you don't have to.
Then you have the confidence to just stand there, and they walk away, you know? Karate does give you more power, but it's wisdom that teaches you when to use the power.
That's according to Greek historian, Hippopotamus.
What are we gonna do in case he pushes me today? Just wave those socks in front of him.
- Boy.
- Dad, come on.
- You got a fish in there? - Dad.
- Recite the state capitals.
- I don't know them.
- Then walk away from it, OK? - OK.
Have fun.
That's the key here.
Fun.
Concentrate.
Have a good time.
- Hi.
- How you doing? - Boy, these kids love this, don't they? - Yeah.
I could have used a class like this when I was a kid.
- You and me both.
Who are you with? - Artie.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I don't want butterball to mess with my kid today, OK? Well, you don't have to be so mean about it.
Look, I'm just saying I don't want Artie touching my kid.
And if anybody calls my kid "stick boy," there's gonna be some big trouble.
Look, if you've got a problem with my nephew, - maybe you'd better talk to his father.
- His father? Hey, Roy! - That's his father? - Yeah.
Why aren't you his father? - Hey, Mike.
What's up? - This guy here What's your name? Borland.
Al Borland.
Al said if Artie touches stick boy, there's going to be big trouble.
Did I say it like that? With hostility like that? It didn't come out Wait a minute.
My wife told me about you.
You're married to that loudmouth.
Yeah, that's her.
- I don't like anyone threatening my son.
- Don't crowd me.
What are you gonna do about it? Atlanta, Austin, Afghanistan - So you're a wise guy, huh? - Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, leave my father alone.
- Mark, I can handle this.
Mark! - Ich, ni, san, hyah! - Mark, come on.
Mark.
- Back off, stick boy.
- Hey, don't push my kid like that.
- Like you're gonna stop me.
- Yeah.
Hold on a minute! Hold on a minute! See, Mark? I should have walked away.
That was your best shot? Better Better No.
No, I understand, Mr.
Cho.
It's fine.
OK.
Bye-bye.
- I'm taking Mark to karate class.
- No, you're not.
That was Mr.
Cho.
He's moving Mark into a different class.
All right, advanced class, huh? That was all those little extra lessons I've been doing with him.
Ha! No, Tim.
Mr.
Cho is not moving him up.
There's another beginners' class that starts in two weeks.
He's gonna put him in that.
- Why? - He says that we don't understand - the basic philosophy behind karate.
- What? Yeah.
He thinks that we have a lot of pent-up hostility.
That's crazy.
I'm gonna get that idiot on the phone.
He has a point, you know.
Every time we took Mark to class, one of us hit somebody.
Well, you started it, though.
I got a way that we can let off some steam.
Ohh, ohh.
It'll put us in great shape for Mark's next karate class.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Ho, ho, ho.
- Focus.
- Yeah.
- Yah, Mothra! - Ahchoo! Frankfort, Harrisburg, Hartford, Helena, Honolulu, Indianapolis, Jackson, Jefferson City, Juneau, Lansing, Lincoln, Little Rock, Madison, Montgomery, Montpelier, Nashville, Oklahoma City, Olympia, Phoenix, Pierre, Providence, Raleigh, Richmond, Sacramento, Salem, Salt Lake City, Santa Fe, Springfield, St.
Paul, Tallahassee, Topeka, and Trenton.
Albany, Atlanta