The Golden Girls (1985) s02e19 Episode Script

This has been the NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw.
Please stay tuned for our next program in progress.
Gosh.
Wasn't that story about the heart transplant amazing? I wasn't paying attention.
I was fantasising what Tom Brokaw looks like naked.
He must have sensed it.
I thought I saw him looking down your blouse.
Hi, Ma.
Hi, Tony.
We won the dance contest at the Sons Of Italy bar.
That's fantastic.
I had no idea you were such a dancer.
In the over-80s we were the only couple to do the mambo without a walker.
Don't believe her.
She has great moves.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- OK, Tony, take care.
Give me a break, would you? Bye.
You really like Tony a lot.
He's the best catch in town.
He's got his own hair, his own teeth and a totally unrestricted driver's license.
At my age, that's like dating Tom Cruise.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Rose.
- Hi.
- Rose? Yes, Dorothy.
Is that a chicken you're carrying in that cage? - I think it is.
See you.
- Rose.
- Before you all say no - No.
Please, just hear me out.
You've heard me speak about Sylvia Butell.
This is her chicken.
Sylvia Butell? Isn't she the woman who thought Milton Berle was sending her secret messages through her dentures? Yes, but with extensive counselling and some new bridgework, she's totally back to normal.
The woman keeps a chicken in her house.
How normal can she be? - I kept a chicken in my home.
- You see my point? I will not have that filthy beast in my house.
- It belongs in a barnyard.
- This is not a farm chicken.
Count Bessie is a showbiz chicken.
Wait till you see this.
A showbiz chicken? What does she do, play the piano? She plays the piano.
You just wait until you see this.
OK, honey, come on, it's showtime.
Yeah, come on, sweetheart.
I know.
Here we go.
OK, Count, hit it.
Isn't she incredible? What do you say, girls? Can she stay? - I guess so.
All right.
- Thank you.
Just be sure and keep her in her cage.
Maybe I can convince the Count to give us some live entertainment with dessert.
Have you any requests? How about Bye Bye Birdie? Sometimes I get confused.
I want to make sure I have this absolutely right.
Rose works somewhere where they help people with mental problems? - That's right, Ma.
- Can we contact Morley Safer? I wonder who that could be.
Maybe it's the Count's clarinet player Henny Goodman.
Aunt Angela.
No, Sophia Loren.
I stopped using Oil of Olay.
- Angela.
- Sophia.
Hello there.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
You travelled 5,000 miles from Sicily for nothing? I know.
The Valducci-Petrillo vendetta is still on.
Dorothy, buy a dozen mattresses, and some aluminium foil for the windows.
There is no vendetta.
There's not even a Valducci family anymore.
They ate some sausages that they shouldn't have at their last family picnic and they all died.
Food poisoning? No, they stole the sausage from the Calabresi family.
So, what are you doing here? I took a vacation to come and see you.
- Didn't you get my letter? - No.
We never got a letter.
She never sent it.
She forgets.
- I don't forget anything.
- Hi, Angela.
- Hi, Blanche.
- No, I'm Blanche.
Isn't that confusing, having two Blanches in the same house? Wouldn't you like to lie down? You've had a long trip.
No.
I just got here.
I always get tired after a long trip.
I remember one time Daddy took the whole family cross state on our tractor to visit Great-grandfather Zingbarten.
Great-grandpa Ziggy was a famous inventor.
He developed the first, and to my knowledge, the only, low-voltage meter to detect what kind of centre pieces of candy had.
Anyway, we were just a few miles out You know, I am a little tired.
I think I will lie down.
- I'm tired myself.
- Me, too.
I'm exhausted.
Fine, but I'm warning you all right now, I'm telling the rest of that story as soon as you get up.
That was the best meal I've ever had.
You left half of it.
- I ate every bite.
- There's some sauce left.
If you really like it, you'll use bread to sop it all up.
- You can afford it.
- No.
I've put on a few pounds.
- You haven't noticed.
- Am I blind? I can see that.
I meant the bread.
You can afford the bread.
It's only 89 cents a loaf.
Angela, sit down.
I'll serve dessert.
You two made such a fantastic meal, I can't imagine what dessert could be.
- I made dessert.
- Damn.
What'd you say, Blanche? Yum, I said yum.
Rose, is this another one of those Scandinavian Viking concoctions? Yes.
It's called gnurchen-frurgen cake.
It's an ancient recipe, but I Americanised it.
One might say you brought geflirchen-nirchen into the '80s? Yes, but I'm not one to blow my own verturgen-furgen.
I can't even reach mine.
Have you had a chance to catch up on old times? Angela filled me in on how my friends and family are doing.
- How is everybody, Angela? - Dead.
Angela and I are the only two left of the original family.
That's terrible, Angela.
Does that mean you're all alone? No, I have a goat.
Actually, I lead a very full life.
I get up, milk the goat, go to a funeral, come back, feed the goat.
Then I drink Chianti and I pass out.
It's a shame you and Ma don't live closer to each other.
Dorothy is right.
How many years do we have left? We should live in the same town.
You want to come back to Sicily? Am I a woman who beats her laundry on a rock? You should move here, to Miami.
That's a great idea.
You'd love Miami.
- Angela, what do you say? - I don't know.
I'm too old to move to a strange country.
What? Before your husband died, you lived here for 30 years.
I don't know.
Think about it.
Who would you rather live with? Your sister or a goat? Give me a minute.
All right, I'll do it.
- Wonderful.
- Good for you.
While you're in Sicily, we'll look for a place for you to live.
Why should she make two trips? She can stay here until we find her a place.
That sounds wonderful, I mean, if nobody minds.
Mind? Why should we mind? Dorothy, could I see you in the living room for a moment? - Are you out of your mind? - What? Why did you invite my sister to live here? You're the one who invited her to live in Miami.
Yeah, Miami the city, not Miami my house.
Am I missing something? You don't know Angela like I do.
She always wanted whatever I had.
Even if she didn't want it.
She'll try to muscle in.
Come on.
I think you're overreacting.
Aunt Angela, where are you going? I'll tape my name on the mailbox.
After all, I live here now.
Any more bright ideas, linguini-for-brains? Hi, Rose, what you got there? Just a little snack.
Darn, I forgot something.
Not bad.
What is it? I'm not sure.
The pet store calls it Chicken Chow.
Maledizione, maledizione.
Ma, what's wrong now? Living with Angela has been a nightmare.
She'll never leave.
- What has she done now? - She used up my Porcelana.
Look at all these liver spots.
I've got more brown skin than the Temptations.
Ma, I'll get you another bottle.
At least try to get along with her.
I have tried.
Did I complain about sharing my bed? - Yes.
- Or her using my Polygrip? Yes.
Did I complain when she washed your sweater in a ditch? - She ruined my sweater? - Maybe I shouldn't say.
She's not going to be here that much longer.
I wish you'd try to be patient.
She's out right now looking at another place.
How many places has she seen in the past three weeks? They're "too small," "not enough light," "no room for a goat.
" She'll be here for ever.
Like I told you, whatever I have, she wants.
- How was the apartment? - She liked it very much.
What's not to like? Some lovely people live there.
- It's close to the beach.
- Are you going to take it? It's kind of small and there's not enough light.
And there's no room for a goat.
Come on in the kitchen.
I made dinner.
It should be ready.
- I was gonna cook dinner.
- I thought, for a change, we'd have a meal with flavour.
I'm supposed to get along with that? That smells great.
She probably defrosted something I already cooked.
Yeah, I did.
But I had to throw it out.
It smelt like it had gone bad.
It was probably no good.
You cooked it.
That does it.
Ma got something caught in her throat.
There.
That should take care of it.
We're out of fresh pepper.
Do you have any? Yeah, in the pantry in the back.
Boy, this chicken looks great.
Girls.
Girls, Count Bessie is missing.
I went to the garage to feed her and her cage was empty.
Where could she be? Aunt Angela.
Where did you get this chicken? The garage.
I guess this means no live entertainment with dessert.
Rose.
Honey, you've got to stop torturing yourself like this.
- Now, Count Bessie is gone.
- I know.
It's just such a tragedy.
Who cooks a musician at the height of her career? You've got to put this in perspective.
Count Bessie was a chicken.
Angela didn't fire up Doc Severinsen.
- How are you doing, Rose? - Not very good.
You may not think so now, but in a few days you'll feel better.
No, I won't.
Mrs Butell will be back by then.
What am I supposed to say? Welcome home.
How was your trip? By the way, here's Count Bessie.
Rose, honey, think of the positive things.
Count Bessie accomplished more in a few years on this earth than most chickens do in a lifetime.
Give me a break.
I'm making this up as I go along.
Above all else, that chicken was a great entertainer.
And a great entertainer deserves to be remembered in a special way.
Yeah.
Like with a roast at the Friars Club.
I was only kidding.
- It was just a joke.
- And a pretty darn good one.
Rose, what have you got there? Exhibit A.
You know, I like Rose.
But when a woman throws herself on a chicken screaming "murderer", she's not playing with a full set of balls.
I'm getting out of here just in time.
- You found an apartment? - Yeah.
I went down to the Senior Citizens' Centre this morning.
Decaf coffee, sodium-free bacon and a chest x-ray.
I saw some advertisements for roommates, so I picked out a few places and I found one I liked.
Isn't that wonderful? My new roommate will come to help me move my stuff.
- Thief.
- What? - What's that on your neck? - A wart.
That's my necklace Momma gave me for confirmation.
- You always wanted it.
- I did not.
- Why take it? - To cover the wart.
- Give me back my necklace.
- Come on, Ma.
No, no, no, come on.
Here.
Forget it.
She's accused me of stealing everything of hers that wasn't nailed down.
I'm sick of it.
I'm glad I'm moving.
- Moving? - Angela found an apartment.
I know you hate me, so don't bother visiting.
Come on, you two.
Ma, she is your only sister.
OK.
All we've done is fight for three weeks.
How about a truce? OK.
A truce.
Hi.
Hi, Tony.
- You know him? - He's my boyfriend.
That's my new roommate.
I thought this address sounded familiar.
Boy, this is some coincidence.
This is no coincidence.
Everything I have, you try to steal.
May the bags under your eyes grow so large your head falls in 'em.
May your shampoo get mixed up with Preparation H and shrink your head to mushroom size.
Tony, the bag.
Come on, just try it.
It doesn't hurt.
See? Hi, Dorothy.
Hi, Rose.
Rose, do you know offhand if 911 is the right number to call for a straitjacket? - I can explain.
- I know you can.
That's the scary part.
You don't understand.
When Mrs Butell finds out about Count Bessie, she'll be devastated.
There'll be a void in her life, that only another musical chicken can fill.
If you're worried about voids, start with the one in your head.
Come on, honey.
Just a few notes.
Dorothy, do you believe it? Four chickens and not one of them has any musical ability.
It's a sad commentary, Rose.
All the young chickens are wasting their time playing video games.
Can I make y'all some lunch? Fruit salad.
That sounds good.
I'll get Sophia.
She has no appetite since she was stabbed in the back.
My God.
Who stabbed Sophia? The chef at Benihana.
Angela.
Ma thinks that Angela tried to steal her boyfriend.
- And you don't? - Of course not.
Don't be so sure, Dorothy.
Angela and Sophia are sisters.
Sisters have a natural adversarial relationship.
That's 'cause it's genetic.
It has to do with the double helix of the DNA molecule.
What? I saw it on television.
Peter Marshall played this microbiologist on The Love Boat and he was conducting sinister experiments on the Landers sisters.
My apologies, Rose.
For a moment there, I didn't think it had been documented.
What is happening between Sophia and Angela is not unlike an incident between my sister Virginia and me when we were in high school.
Can you believe that one's very own sister could seduce her sibling's boyfriend on the eve of that sibling's senior prom? - Virginia did that to you? - No, I did that to Virginia.
She deserved it.
She borrowed my saddle shoes without asking.
What? She scuffed those shoes.
I hardly left a mark on that boy.
I'll see you later.
I'm going over to Tony's.
- For lunch? - No.
I called him.
He was in bed.
I heard female laughter.
It was Angela.
They're sleeping together, like I suspected.
I'm going to kill her.
I'll be back for Wheel Of Fortune.
Open up, tramp.
I know you're in there.
You can run but you can't hide.
Run? I can barely walk.
Fine.
Rub it in.
What are you talking about? You and Tony have been fooling around.
That's a lie.
I've been shopping all day.
- In your bath robe? - I took a shower.
Kill me.
Why do you think I came over? How will you do it? Make me eat your ziti? - Take that back.
- I will not.
May the hair on your lip get tangled with the hair from your nose.
May you take a diuretic and not be able to get your pantyhose off.
What's going on here? Taking a shower? I suppose this is your loofah sponge.
What are you talking about? You toyed with my emotions.
You toyed with my affection.
You toyed with my sister.
That's not true, Sophia.
Angela's just my roommate.
You're the only woman in my life.
There can be no-one else but you, dear.
Tony.
Angela.
Boy, who is that woman? This woman.
- She's my cleaning lady.
- What? But I'm "the only woman in your life".
You've insulted my sister's honour.
I don't know what to say.
I'll tell you what to say.
Say "ouch.
" - Say "that hurts.
" - Say "please stop hitting me.
" You two just started hitting him with your purses? He was cheating on me.
In Sicily, if Uncle Bruno had heard about this, he'd have been in hot water.
- What would Uncle Bruno do? - She just told you.
He would have put him in hot water.
Something good came out of this.
You two are close again.
Yeah, right now, but before long we'll be fighting again.
It's not that we don't love each other.
It's just our relationship.
- We get it from our mother.
- Our father.
- Shut up.
- You shut up.
- May your nose - Ma.
You're right.
You're right.
We get it from our father.
Now, Angela, there's something I want to give you.
Here.
That's the necklace Momma gave you.
I want you to have it.
It's my way of apologising for the way I acted.
Sophia, this is the nicest thing anybody ever gave me.
Don't get choked up.
It's only to hide that wart.
My God, it can't be.
It is.
Count Bessie.
Angela, that chicken you cooked the other night, didn't you get that from the garage? - Yes, right.
- Out of a cage? No, from the freezer.
Do you think I can kill a live chicken? Am I Conan the Barbarian? I must have left the door open and she wandered away.
I've got to get another apartment.
Aunt Angela, until you find a place, stay right here with us.
Dorothy, can I see you for a moment?