Everybody Hates Chris s02e20 Episode Script

Ever since I was a kid, I always loved comedy.
I loved cartoons.
I loved sitcoms.
Sunday's supposed to be my day of rest, you know.
But most of all, I loved stand-up comedians.
Michael Jackson kept his sunglasses on.
He had to Cyndi Lauper kept shining in his eyes.
All right, y'all, time to go to bed.
Ma, can I stay up and watch 'til the end? It's almost over.
All right.
Drew and Tonya, go.
Good night.
And Prince didn't show up.
He doesn't like to go anywhere where the cast outnumbers his bodyguard.
What I didn't know was that my parents loved comedians, too.
You knew it in your heart, you haven't washed your hair.
So one night, the time was right, he asked her, he said, "Honey, would you marry me?" She said "wooden eye?" I can't say what he just said, but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard.
"Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?" And it wasn't the last.
She said "Christma.
.
" A lot of kids would get in trouble sneaking out of bed trying to listen to dirty jokes.
I ended up getting a career.
I risked a beating trying to hear one side of that Redd Foxx album.
Now I was risking my life trying to hear the other side.
Now, I know it wrong to sneak behind my parents back and listten to dirty records, but if listening to dirty records was wrong, I don't wanna do right.
When I was a kid, during the depression I mean we were poor.
When Christmas time came, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.
I found out one thing in life, if you want people to laugh, tell 'em a joke.
Now, if you want them to really laugh, tell 'em a dirty joke.
Okay, and there was one black sheep, and the chief said "Okay, you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you.
" All right, stop it, man, come on, I can't take another one.
No, no, wait, I've got one more.
- Hold on - No, no, I can't take it Who is that? - Redd Foxx.
- From Sanford and Son? He's a comedian? Yeah, you big dummy! I didn't know it either My parents have a bunch of his albums.
- And they let you listen to that? - Not really Still won't! Hey, Buckwheat Alfalfa.
What's so funny? I was just telling a stupid joke Tell me Nah, you wouldn't really like it Yeah, you won't like me smashing your face in a locker? Now, tell me the joke It's funny.
Tell him.
There's a missionary who went to an African village If you can make your worst enemy laugh with a joke, that's a funny joke and there was one black sheep, and the chief said "Okay, you don't tell on me I won't tell on you" That's real funny, Flip.
Hey, guys come here.
For the first time I realized a good joke can stop a beat down.
Too bad Reginald Denny didn't know any jokes So there's a missionary who lived in an African village Momma, what you doing in here? I thought you might need a hand with dinner.
Since my grandfather passed away, my grandmother had a lot of free time on her hands and she was giving it to my mother.
Baby, that's not the way to do that.
But I do it this way all the time.
Yeah, but the way you do it is wrong.
Go ahead sit down, I'll do it.
Go ahead, I'll do it The only thing my mother hated worse than no help was help from my grandmother Dinner is served.
I can't eat this.
My gout will flair up.
Oh, don't worry, that's oven-fried chicken.
I used skim milk in your macaroni that's a baked potato and salad.
So, you go ahead, eat up, you'll be just fine Wow, Momma never did all that stuff.
Where's Momma anyway? Hey, baby, you wanna sit down and have something to eat? Mm, I'm fine Grandma made oven-fried chicken.
Oh, really? That's nice.
I'm gonna finish the laundry.
It's finished Then I'll go straighten up the kids' room.
Oh, they're straightened.
Then I guess I'll go do my toes.
They're done.
When did you do my toes? While you were asleep.
I didn't want to wake you.
That look means "If you do something else you're finished" Here comes your girlfriend, Drew.
Girlfriend? I don't like her.
Well, she likes you And she's going around telling everybody that you kissed her.
Wait, Tonya Just about every girl in the neighborhood liked Drew and Chantal was just about the only girl Drew didn't like.
- What you doing? - Nothing.
I was just about to go back in the house.
You coming back out? Ah, I don't think so.
You gonna be out tomorrow after school? I don't know I may have to stay in.
Well, maybe I'll see you later.
Maybe.
While Drew was trying to make a clean break, I was getting down and dirty with my new jokes.
I told the one about the guy who got bitten by the snake So the doctor said make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake and suck out the poison out.
So the guy gets back to his friend the friend said "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die.
" I told one about the two guys on the bridge And so then the white guy said "Man, this water is cold" And the black guy said "Yeah, and it's deep, too.
" And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.
So, he was bleeding and his clothes were torn.
So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?" Hey, little dude from across the street, man, you're momma know you here telling jokes like that? Nah, because if she did she'd smack the smut out of me.
Hey, hold up! Let me hold a dollar.
- You want one? - Yeah.
For years I had tried to be cool, but never feel cool when I trying to be funny.
While I catch a guy rolling with laughter, my mother kept my father from rolling into bed.
What are you doing up? I can't sleep "He can't sleep" I do something? No, it's my mother She's driving me crazy Every time I want to do something either she's already done it or she doesn't like the way I did it.
Baby, she's just trying to help.
If you call her making me want to knock her out "help", she's doing fine.
I mean she's got a house.
Why can't she go over there and clean up after Michael? Because if she has to pick up another one of his socks - she's gonna strangle him with it.
- What? We were talking earlier.
Rochelle, she's lonely.
She told you that? No, but it's obvious she misses your father.
I think she's just trying to keep herself busy.
Well, I wish she would find something else to do.
Maybe she should go on a date.
A date? My mother is almost 60.
How would she look out there trying to get a date? Like Bea Arthur on The Golden Girls.
Better than she looks downstairs trying to cook your dinner.
Back at school, I learned another valuable lesson.
You could be funny at the wrong time And the guy said "All right, fine, "As long as you don't hit me in the back of the head with that stick.
" What's going on back there? - Nothing - Oh, really? So the whole class is giggling up a storm over nothing at all? It wasn't me He's the one shucking and jiving.
I guess he's never gonna be in the mob.
So, Mr.
Funny Man, you're so funny why don't you make me laugh? - I can't.
- Obviously you can.
Everybody else is laughing.
You told them a joke so you can tell me a joke? I don't think so.
So now you're thinking? Well, I tell you what, you'll have plenty of time to think when you're serving a day in detention.
Don't ask me what I'm thinking right now.
Since my grandmother was too old to go out looking for men, my mother decided to bring the men to her.
Oh, hey, Mrs.
Rochelle what can I do for you? Hey, Mr.
Omar.
Do you remember my mother Maxine? Yes.
Husband died telling a knock-knock joke.
Tragic.
Tragic! I was wondering if you might know of any available men around her age? Momma's got a brand new bag, huh? Yeah, I think I might know a few people.
Come on in.
So, how is Mr.
Julius? He's fine.
Some guys want their sisters to hook 'em up.
Not Drew.
Chantal called you.
What? How'd she get our number? I gave it to her.
What'd you do that for? Because she likes you.
So? I don't like her.
- So? - What do you mean "so"? I mean "so.
" Just because you don't like her doesn't mean she don't like you.
Drew hadn't learned that women spoke a different language Crazy.
Meanwhile my mother was looking for a man to get back her sanity.
I have a question for you.
Of course.
Does your mom have a cellar a large freezer and a pension? Have you ever dated a black woman before? There's nothing I love better than a bad mamajama.
I hope you're talking about the song.
Did Mr.
Omar send you? No, your window was open.
Can you hold this gun? Michael, what are you doing here? Stopping a home wrecker.
You trying to break me and Momma up.
It's time for her to come home.
I'm hungry.
Yeah, so how did the fellas work out? They didn't.
- Who's this? - I'm Lester.
You know, you're much younger than I thought you would be.
Slow down, lowdown.
You're not coming to meet me.
You're coming to meet my mother.
Well, if she looks anything like you, this could work out.
Calm down, Billy Dee she don't want your Colt 45.
Well, if you talk to her like you talking to me it just might.
Where you been? Sorry I'm late, I was in detention.
Detention? For what? I was telling Redd Foxx jokes in class.
Redd Foxx? As dirty as he is.
I know your mother didn't let you listen to that.
Nope.
I snuck and listened to it while they were asleep.
You got a little sneak in you, huh? Yeah, I guess.
You know, I used to write jokes for some comedians back when.
You did? I got a joke or two on most of these albums here.
- Really? - Well, can I listen to them? Sure.
But some of this material is a little blue.
Blue? Yeah, filthy.
So if you hear something you ain't supposed to hear, turn it off.
Don't be so strict old man.
I'm gonna make a slopper.
- You want one? - Nah, I'm all right.
Moms Mabley? Bill Cosby.
George Carl in Class Clown.
Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them you can't say on television.
They must really be bad "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television"? You know the seven don't you, that you can't say on television? Seven? I could only think of three.
What? Hey, now! My vocabulary just grow up four.
Dirty jokes were one thing.
Dirty words were a whole new ballgame.
Oh, my God! Where'd you hear that? George Carlin.
That's comedy? I think it's funny.
I hate cursing.
My father used to call my mother number four all the time.
Then she'd call him number five.
And they'd go back and forth like that.
Five, four, two, one seven.
Then they'd end up on number three Greg was an early adapter of "too much information.
" I don't want to get in trouble so don't tell anybody.
It never occurred to me that Greg wasn't the one I had to worry about.
Don't tell anybody! Don't tell anybody.
I liked it better when you worked clean, man.
I feel that the use of foul language degrades not only the listener, but the speaker as well.
Caruso is the only guy I know who would beat things out of you he wouldn't say.
Just because my mother found a man, didn't mean my grandmother wanted one.
Rochelle, you know I hate surprises.
Momma, I think you might like this one.
What? Momma, this is Lester Lester, this is my mother Maxine.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
What is this? Mom, it's just dinner.
I just thought you might like to have a meal.
with somebody besides us for a change.
So, you just go out on the street, get some man bring him up here to eat with me like I'm a charity case? No, Momma I didn't say that.
Maxine, it's just a friendly meal.
That's what Robert Blake said.
We are not friends, I don't know you.
And you sure don't know me Well, I was thinking we could get to know each other.
- Anybody ask you what you think? - Momma! Don't "Momma" me, I'm too old for a blind date.
Wouldn't say that if it was Stevie Wonder.
I don't know who you're eating with but you're not going to eat with me.
Just have a couple of peas or something.
- Sorry? - What about you? Would you care to eat? - What? - I came to eat.
I don't care who I eat with.
Might as well.
My brother never asked me for advice about girls, and there was a good reason.
What's wrong? Well, there's this girl.
What about her? You know when a girl likes you but you just don't like her back? - Is he serious? - No, I don't.
How do you tell her without hurting her feelings? I have no idea.
I should probably just tell her the truth, huh? I don't know I should probably tell her.
- Thanks.
- Welcome.
Why can't everything be this easy? I can't believe you treated that man like that.
I can't believe you treated me like a floozy, looking to pick up some strange man off the street.
Ever since Daddy died I just worry about you being lonely.
I am not lonely.
I love coming here taking care of you and your kids.
But you're driving me crazy.
Ma, this is my house.
I like to do things my way.
This family already has one momma.
We don't need two I'll go But Ma, I didn't mean it like that.
Hey, Chantal.
Can I ask you a question? - Yeah - How come you don't like me? I don't know, I just don't.
It's got to be something.
Do you think I'm ugly? No.
Do you think I'm dumb? No.
Then what is it? Just tell me the truth.
You're too tall Never stopped Danny DeVito.
Are you stalking me? I just dropped by Mr.
Omar's for a moment to say hello Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about what happened last night.
I didn't know that you had no idea I was coming.
My daughter did the same thing to me.
Where do they get off doing that? If I wanted to meet someone, I would.
I know.
My daughter had so many women coming through it was like a Miss America Pageant.
She thinks she's protecting me.
I just wish she would get out of my house.
The only way I can get my son out of the house is to put dinner on the stoop.
I'm so sorry I was rude.
I was just caught off guard.
Ah, don't worry about it.
It was just nice to meet you.
Well, very nice meeting you, too.
Uh, Maxine Would you mind if we had a cup of coffee sometime? Coffee? I guess.
How about now? Oh, well, that would be nice.
Don't try anything funny.
I have mace and a whistle in my purse.
He's got a gun.
- Do you know what you've started? - What? Every kid in this school is swearing like a drunken sailor.
It's out of control.
I told them not to tell anybody.
You told everybody.
It's not like I said it in class or anything.
Didn't mean somebody else didn't.
Young man I want a word with you.
In fact, I want seven words with you.
Number one had hit the fan.
Suspended? For talking in class? What did you say? It's a routine called "The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television" - What are they? - I can't say them.
We're on television, woman! Didn't you hear the name of the bit? Boy, what are these words? Write them down When I was writing these words down, I realized they were more silly than dirty.
You said this?! Look at this.
I never even say this.
Why would you say this?! I was trying to be funny.
Oh, you're gonna feel mighty funny when I beat the number one out of you.
Look, they're the seven words you can't say on TV.
Where does it say you can say 'em in school? And why would you think that something like this is funny anyway? It's no worse than Redd Foxx.
- Where did you hear Redd Foxx? - Here What do you mean "here"? A few nights ago y'all were playing the records and I heard it.
Some parents would blame themselves- not mine? Who is this anyway? George Carlin George Carlin from Car Wash? No wonder his part in that movie was so small.
If he'd have said anything else they wouldn't have been able to put it out.
I'm sorry.
if you're interested in comedy that's fine, but some things are not appropriate for your age.
Just because we listen to Redd Foxx don't mean you're supposed to.
There's a reason why we waited for you to go upstairs and fall asleep.
You can't understand comedy like this.
I understood it.
You understood which one? All of them.
The one about the lady with the funny lips? The one about making sandwiches? The one about the black sheep? The one about the Fukawi Indian? Boy, where did you learn all of this? I don't know, I just picked it up.
Chris, look, the point is this is not comedy for children.
Next time I find out you're telling these type of jokes, you're gonna get more than suspended.
- You done? - Yeah, why? 'Cause as far as I'm concerned, this time is next time.
Number three!