Family Guy s02e20 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Hey, guys.
Guys, check it out.
Quagmire's tryin' to get lucky.
Hey, gorgeous.
You wanna come home with me? - I'm with my husband.
- Lose the zero, get with the hero.
A little violent for you, don't you think? Huh! I'll be right over there.
We interrupt for breaking news.
After years of isolation, the mysterious and eccentric brewmeister, Pawtucket Pat, has said that he's opening his never-before-seen brewery to a lucky few.
Pawtucket Pat has placed four silver scrolls in four random beers.
Each lucky scroll winner and a guest of their choice will take a magical tour of the brewery, and walk away with a lifetime's supply of beer.
What? Don't complain.
This is actually makin' you look attractive.
Oh, man, did you guys hear that? Imagine seein' the inside of the Pawtucket Patriot brewery! - Forget it, Peter.
You don't have a chance.
- Yeah.
You never win anything.
Remember when you went on Password? This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
The password is You Actor.
You Tony? You (piano being played badly) Very good, Jonas.
Oh, my! Look at the time.
Mrs Griffin, I practised just like you said.
- Oh, far be it from me to call you a liar.
- Huh? Nothing, nothing.
See you next week.
- Mom, how come all your students suck? - I don't know, honey.
All I want is one pupil who's good enough to win the piano competition.
I'm sick of comin' in second to that awful Alexis Radcliffe.
Every year she wins and rubs it in my face.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
There's always next year.
Congratulations on second place, Lois.
(knock at door) Oh, Lois, thank God it's you.
The last three houses I went to were very rude.
- Have you been drinkin'? - Why, yes, I have.
Thank you.
I gotta find a silver scroll.
Everyone's lookin'.
All right, listen to me, you long-necked bastard.
You give me the scroll, and I make you head of sanitation services for the entire city.
It's a do-nothing job, sweetcake.
Two more dead from alcohol poisoning.
Hm.
Lookin' for that scroll, huh? Wouldn't mind findin' that thing myself.
(groans) Ah, jeez.
Oh, man.
I hope I don't get pulled over.
OK, be cool.
Maintain.
(sighs deeply) C'mon, Death.
You can do this.
Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery? Everyone has their sanctuary.
The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery.
Now help me drink these beers.
- Peter, I'm not drinkin' this.
- OK, OK.
All right, all right.
Lois, uh, I'm gonna go to the store now, OK? Here I go.
Duh-duh-nuh-duh-duh-duh-nuh Stop it! What if the kids were to see you drinkin' like this? Especially Stewie.
He's so impressionable.
Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Huh.
Nothin'.
- Peter, it's seven in the mornin'.
- Thanks for the update, Big Ben.
- You're drunk again! - No, exhausted.
I've been drinkin' all night.
Peter, if you keep this up, somethin' terrible's gonna happen.
Yeah, somethin' terrible all the way to the bank! - Nice.
- Oh, I don't have time for this.
I'm late for my checkup.
Wheeee! Whoo-hoo! Yeah! All right! - What's goin' on? - It seems Joe has found the first scroll.
He's tastin' victory.
I bet it tastes good.
Like saltwater taffy or a Chunky.
Oh, no! If there's four tickets and one of 'em's gone, that that leaves this many! Good morning, Mrs Griffin.
Hello! Hello! Hello! (softly) Hello! Ha, ha! Just kidding.
- So, uh, any problems? - No, everything's fine, Doctor.
- Lois? - Oh.
Hello, Alexis.
Heard you might not enter the competition this year.
Smart move.
Yes, well, there are more important things in life than a piano competition.
Oh, yes.
Especially for those who have no-oh, that's cold! - Chance.
(painfully) For your information, I have a student that could whip you.
Well, I guess I'll see you there.
Fred, this is not a date! - All right, you're all done, Alexis.
- What do you know? Once again, I finish first.
Don't let her get to you.
She asked for "Pine Forest".
I gave her "New Car".
Did you hear? It's over! Somebody found the last scroll! - Oh, my God! No! - It's true.
The final scroll has been recovered.
The recipient declines to be interviewed for safety reasons, but I'm sure you're all with me when I say "Congratulations, you son of a bitch.
" Oh, what am I gonna do now? - Hello, dumb-dumb.
- Not now, Gazoo.
I wanna be alone.
It's not always about you, fatso.
Maybe I wanted to talk.
I guess wantin' it more than anyone just wasn't enough.
Hey, you guys! It's a fake! There's still a scroll out there! That's right.
I made it up.
I figured if people thought the last scroll was found, everyone would stop looking, giving me the edge to find it myself.
But what I did was wrong.
And as an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain.
Huh.
Kinda tickles.
Aaah! Oh God! It's eating out the back of my eyes! Aah! In other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought.
In a recent 12-day study Ah, my last beer.
Here goes.
(sighs) I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible.
Oh, God.
(retches) What the hell? I've found it! I've found the last scroll! - He found it! - Oh, my God! Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, man, this is the happiest day of my life.
Now I know how Barbra Streisand felt the day she married James Brolin.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Oh! I'm so glad I married a regular person and not a celebrity.
Professional ninja Jerry Nelson, how did you find your silver scroll? I was at home nursing this throwing-star wound, my wife Janey gives me a beer, and bam, there it was.
Honey, I'm sorry.
You know you can't sneak up on me.
(PA) Ladies and gentlemen, in his first public appearance ever, - (drum roll) - Pawtucket Pat! (fanfare) That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! Gotcha! A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody.
Let the tour begin.
- Hey, look! - Oh, those are the Chumbawambas.
- They live here with me.
- Hey, Pat.
Where's the wheelchair ramp? Oh, we don't have one.
I guess this is where you get off.
(plays tune) Chumbawamba, gobbledy-goo Life isn't fair, it's sad but it's true Chumbawamba, gobbledy-gee When your poor legs are stiff as a tree What do you do when you're stuck in a chair Finding it hard to go up and down stairs? What do you think of the one you call God Isn't his absence slightly odd? Maybe he's forgotten you Chumbawamba, gobbledy-gorse Count yourself lucky you're not a horse They would turn you into dog food Or to Chumbawamba gobbledy-glue! I'm glad I'm not takin' your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway! Silver Bullet! Gobbledy-glue! (plays scale) Very good, Jimmy.
- Trying to watch the History Channel.
- Try it again.
- (plays scale) - Uh.
Not talking to myself.
You're good enough to tackle a Beethoven sonata! Let me grab the sheet music.
Keep playing! (punching sounds) I got the mu Oh, my God! - Jimmy, what happened? - (Stewie) Yes, Jimmy.
What happened? I I fell.
It's all behind this door.
Lady and gentlemen, the beer room! Take a drink and you'll sink To a state of pure inebriation You'll be tanked Like the whole Irish nation (all) Yeah! When you drink enough of my beer You will find this magic rule Make your every joke a jewel You'll drive drunker than Oksana Baiul Go on, buds, drink my suds Till you've reached that pure inebriation Though the beer may be free You're just renting it from me Ah.
It's like I died and went to heaven.
But then they realised it wasn't my time, and so they sent me back to a brewery.
We're still working some of the bugs out of our latest invention, Permasuds.
Beer that never goes flat.
No matter how old it gets, it stays carbonated.
(all) Ooh! Aah! - Brian, wait.
- Maybe we should stick with the group.
Beer that never goes flat! Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and we buy another dog to help the kids, you know, forget about you.
- Peter, I wouldn't - Wow! That's incredible.
Ah, what the hell.
Cheers! I don't know why he said it wasn't ready.
- It tastes pretty good to me Whoa! - Oh, my God! What the hell's happening? Must be the beer.
Hey! Hey, check this out.
And look at this! Oh, yeah? Watch this! - Oh, my God! - Relax, Brian, it's just a trick.
- See, look, my thumb is fine.
- I'm talking about that! Holy crap! There's nothing to grab onto! - Oh, this is it, pal.
We're goners.
- Peter, I've really cherished our friendship.
Me too, buddy.
That's why I was holdin' this in, but, if we're gonna die anyway (farts) Peter, that's it! (farts) - Hey! Hey, pull my finger.
- My pleasure.
Hey, Peter, this next one you can blame on the dog.
Ah! Silent but life-saving.
What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules.
- I want you to leave immediately! - Oh, come on! - Don't I at least get a Chumbawamba song? - Oh, fine.
Chumbawamba, gobble Aah! Aah! Aah! Come on, Meg.
The competition is this Sunday, and you're not even close to ready.
- Maybe if you loosened my chains? - We tried that, remember, honey? - You can't be trusted.
- Lois, take a letter.
"Dear Pawtucket Pat, I hate you! You are a bad man!" "And you made me cry.
Furthermore" Not now, Peter.
Meg and I are havin' a little girl time, - Help me! - Go on.
No boys allowed.
Jeez, Lois.
Still with the piano? What's a guy gotta do to get a little attention around here? (plays slowly) (starts playing beautifully) Peter, that's incredible! I don't understand how You're like the idiot from Shine! Meg, you're free.
Try the clarinet.
Keep playin'.
Keep playin'! (piano) (music slows down) No, no, no.
Play it like you did last night.
- I I can't! - Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that.
Well, sometimes it does.
I mean, you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
Come on, Lois, move or somethin'! Jeez, it's like doin' it with a pillow.
- Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
- Oh.
Oh, jeez, this hangover's killin' me.
I haven't felt this crappy since I went to that museum.
Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Because you touch yourself at night.
Here, this'll make you feel better.
(plays perfectly) Huh.
I think we've found his muse.
Oh, my God.
You can only play the piano when you're drunk! That's not true.
I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk.
Get a case of beer.
We've got a lot of practising to do.
- Practisin'? What for? - The competition.
- You're gonna be my first champion.
- Oh, play that sad walking-away song - From The Incredible Hulk.
- (plays) Hey! Everyone! Look at me! Look, look! Look at me.
(plays "The X-Files" theme) Hey, thanks! You think that was great? Watch this! Uh-oh! Lois! I'm losin' my buzz! - I need more talent juice.
- Another beer already? Oh, well, I guess I don't have to be prepared for the competition (sighs) I need another pitcher over here.
Wow.
Lois must've written the book on man-pleasin'.
Too bad Loretta doesn't allow white literature in our household.
Well, how much harm can one more pitcher do? - This is all for the sake of art, right? - Don't start with me, Brian.
This may not be my proudest moment, but damn it, I wanna win.
You're not the first person to do whatever it takes to win.
You come to me and ask me to kill a man I do not know.
Now I ask you, why should I kill this Count Chocula? That son of a bitch has been spreading lies.
My cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth! With all respect.
I can't believe I'm missing Ronnie's party for this.
That Ronnie's a bad influence.
Yeah.
That little bastard sold me some bad crack.
Stay out of it, Herb.
You're not even his real father.
Yes, we're checking in.
The student's name is Peter Griffin.
- Oh, yes.
He's on in an hour.
- Where's the nearest liquor store? They're all closed on Sundays.
This is a dry county.
I can't do it without booze.
Maybe this is a sign that we need to stop this.
I've been keeping you ripped out of your head for my own selfish needs.
I'm ashamed.
Let's just go home.
No, no, Lois, we can't stop now after all we've put into this.
Yo, Fresh? How do I get to Ronnie's party? Oh, Peter, we're not goin' to a high-school party.
- Lois.
- Alexis.
- Loser says "what".
- What? Oh! I'll drive.
(rock) Consume.
- I love you so much.
- This sucks.
Well, you know, when I was your age, we had way better drinkin' games.
- Ow.
- Ha, ha! You drink.
(siren) - It's the cops! - Run! Hold it, you two.
Aren't you a little old to be drinking illegally? Uh uh Lois, look over there! Run! I wanna make you feel beautiful, Lois.
Oh, Peter, stop.
Try to stay focused.
(applause) OK.
You're on.
Wait! Here's a little something for good luck.
Make your trills clean and watch the legato in the fourth measure.
Go! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha! (belches) (plays theme from "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" off-key) (plays in correct key) We did it, Brian! - Congratulations, Lois.
- For what? Winnin' a trophy at the expense of my husband's health? Oh, God knows how many of his brain cells I killed, pourin' all that alcohol down his throat.
Lois, you don't get it.
The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences.
You have the trophy and my brain cells are just fine.
Hello? Where where is everybody? I'm I'm the only brain cell left! Well, at least I have my books.
No! No, that that's not fair.
That's not fair! There was time now! (sobs) That's not fair! (theme from "The Incredible Hulk")