Cheers s02e21 Episode Script

I'LL BE SEEING YOU (PART 1 ) OK, everybody, Iisten up.
It's time once again for the third annuaI Cheers picnic.
I'II need voIunteers for the committees.
First, food.
Who'II voIunteer to take care of the grub? WeII, what the heck.
I can do this.
Ernie Pantusso.
I did a pretty good job Iast year.
At Ieast no one compIained.
The entertainment committee.
Who wants to chair it? WeII, entertainment goes with food.
Ernie Pantusso.
We'II need two captains for the softbaII teams.
Two.
Come on.
A show of hands.
WeII, I can handIe one team.
Ernie Pantusso.
OK, so who wants the other? One more.
WeII, I'm going to be out there on the fieId anyway, so Ernie Pantusso.
Last but not Ieast, I need somebody to head up transportation.
I got it.
Ernie Pantusso.
The meeting of the committee chairmen is at my house tonight at eight o'cIock.
PIease, everybody, try to be on time.
- Hey, everybody.
Sorry I'm Iate.
- Where have you been? I had to run a few errands.
A funny thing happened to me this afternoon.
On my way to ''Boston Magazine'' as one of the city's 20 most eIigibIe bacheIors, I saw a man waIking a dog.
The dog was not waIking Iike a dog.
He was waIking Iike a man, on his hind Iegs.
Where's a camera when you need one? OK, enough jokes.
Back to work.
- What's that? - ''Boston Magazine''? And you Iet them Iist you? If I hadn't I wouId have missed that funny dog.
You'II dine out on that story.
Why did you want them to Iist you? It's for men seeking femaIe companionship.
No.
Not entireIy.
Just good pubIicity for the bar, that's aII.
And it gave me a chance to air my views on poIiticaI issues.
What poIiticaI issues did you air views on? I toId them I thought nucIear war wouId be bad news.
Sam, you've stirred up a hornet's nest there.
ReaIIy? I can aIways say I was misquoted.
I see.
''EIigibIe bacheIors'' means eIigibIe for a brain transpIant.
I knew it.
I knew you'd make a big deaI out of this.
Come on.
It was a nice IittIe articIe on my Iife, my interests and a picture of me.
- It wasn't Iike it was cheesecake.
- No, Sam.
With men, it's beefcake.
If I posed, it wouId be cheesecake.
If you posed, it wouId be crumb cake.
Sam, I'm very hurt by this.
Don't be.
I'II teII you something now to make you feeI better.
It was a surprise, but when I taIked to my reporter, I said ''I may be a bacheIor, ''but it so happens I aIready found the woman of my dreams: Diane Chambers.
'' ReaIIy, Sam? - That's very sweet.
- CaII and check.
- Her name's HeIen CasteIIa.
Go on.
- I don't have to caII.
I beIieve you.
I trust you.
I think that was a wonderfuI thing to do.
Me, too.
She bought that? I'd Iike to seII her the oId North Church.
Good Iuck.
I owned that once.
It took me forever to unIoad it.
Boy, did I take a bath on that.
- I did it this time.
- What are you worried about? She bought it.
When it hits the stands, teII her the reporter didn't mention it.
- FooIproof.
- At best, I'm just buying time.
She said she wouIdn't caII, but she'II caII.
There's a time when she wouIdn't have.
- Sam, you don't trust Diane much? - I can't trust a thing that woman says.
Once trust goes out of a reIationship, it's reaIIy no fun Iying to them any more.
It's not my fauIt.
She aIways starts things.
TeIIing me how to waIk, how to act, how to think.
You've been doing those things since you were what, 1 4? I start doing things I don't want to do, but knowing it'II tick her off, I do them.
The more it drives her crazy, the happier I get.
Is that weird? No.
We know the woman.
Sammy, I think it's time for a romantic gesture.
- A trinket to smooth the water.
- I've done aII that.
It'II take more than music and a candIeIit dinner to shut her up this time.
Sam, Iisten.
It's time for you to take a big step.
I wouIdn't say this ordinariIy to anyone in a miIIion years.
But you know what might heIp? If you actuaIIy had physicaI reIations with her.
I don't think so.
We'II wait untiI we're sure how we feeI about each other.
You're a good oId-fashioned guy, Sam.
AII right.
You wanna hear the most romantic thing I heard a guy do? WeII, I heard that SaIIy got mad at Burt because she heard he was doing another movie with Loni.
So Burt, to make up for it, had someone paint a portrait of SaIIy.
Thank you very much for that enIightenment.
We can knock it off with the fan magazine driveI.
I read Burt and SaIIy are headed for the aItar.
That's not a bad idea, having a portrait done.
She'd Iike that.
- RefiII, Sam.
- It shows some thinking.
It's sensitive.
The aItar? How can Burt do that, with the terribIe secret he and Dinah stiII share? Hey.
Do you mind here? What kind of artist shouId I get to paint Diane? Get a bad one.
You don't want it to Iook Iike her.
Your wisecracks aII the time don't make things any easier.
You know my phiIosophy.
If you can't say something nice, say it about Diane.
HeIp me out.
Where do you go to find an artist? Do you go to a store? We're not taIking about TV dinners.
We're taIking about artists.
You gotta go where the artists are.
To an artist's pIace.
What's that secret Burt and Dinah share? I can't teII you.
In a readers' poII, I voted they shouId have more privacy.
Can I put this in check for a minute? I happen to be a wonderfuI artist and I'd just Iove to do a picture of Diane.
- I'd consider it a chaIIenge.
- You never toId me about this.
Sure.
Let me show you.
Norm, just hoId it Iike that, pIease.
- Stinks.
- Yeah, it does.
I just remembered.
It was my brother that had the artistic taIent.
Now I remember.
My taIent is eating things that aren't food.
- Can we get back to artists? - I deIiver maiI to one.
He's very successfuI and I'II teII you how successfuI.
Yesterday he received a cheque for $25,853 from a guy named Sweeney.
How do you know that? When I put it in the sIot, it passed in front of a 300-watt buIb.
Do you want me to get him in here? I couId taIk to him.
Do you think he'd come down? I'II give it a shot.
I hesitate to use the power vested in me by the Post Office and the AImighty, but I'II make an exception.
You got a dime? Wait a second.
Maybe this whoIe thing's about to bIow over.
- We've been very chiIdish in the past.
- We have? Over things Iike this magazine articIe.
I was about to caII that reporter to check your story, but I'm proud I didn't.
Me, too.
I know we're not perfect and we're going through a difficuIt time, but I just decided this is the perfect time to start fresh.
Let's cIeanse our reIationship.
From this moment on, no more pettiness, no more suspicion, no more dishonesty.
- You reaIIy mean this, don't you? - I reaIIy do.
OK, Diane.
I'm going to start being honest with you right now.
You know I toId you I toId that reporter about you? I didn't teII her anything.
- I see.
- I wish I had.
Thank you for respecting me enough to teII the truth.
I'm gIad I didn't teII her.
It wouId have made me Iooked whipped.
If you want me to get on that teIephone and teII her, I won't.
I was about to say I wouId, but I won't.
The truth is that I Iike having miIIions of women Iooking at my picture and dreaming, ''I want him''.
This is me being honest with you here.
That's exactIy what I wanted.
This is great.
Why didn't we do this sooner? - I don't know.
- You see, if you start teIIing the truth Sammy, I'II make that phone caII.
You kids just carry on with what you're doing.
Someone put their names on your picnic sheet.
No kidding.
How many? Three.
We got Ziggy Stardust, the Mad Hatter and CIark Kent.
Looks Iike I got myseIf an in-fieId.
Evening, everybody.
- How are you feeIing? - Naked without my beer.
WaIked over here, dragging my thirst behind me.
- So how was dinner? - Listen up, everybody.
Stay away from that Hungry Heifer pIace.
They've been advertising.
No good? AwfuI.
They served a terribIe piece of meat, tough potatoes, soggy vegetabIes.
- Why didn't you send it back? - The service stinks.
By the time the waiter asked me if it was OK, I was through.
- Can I heIp you? - I have come to pander to the tasteIess.
You want to head the food committee.
A chairman for the food committee! - I Iike my buffaIo sunny-side up, Chief.
- Are you referring to my appareI? No offence there, LittIe Beaver, but it is a tad out of the mundane.
Excuse me, but what is that outfit? An Arapaho ceremoniaI tunic worn by the viIIage eIders when they hoId counciI.
I earned it by Ietting them pierce my fIesh with wiId turkey quiIIs.
This is a JC Penney wash and wear, tapered taiIs.
The saIesman was nasty, but I didn't have to go through that.
I'm Iooking for Sam MaIone.
He's interested in buying some of my work.
You must be PhiIIip Semenko.
I'm CIiff CIavin, your maiIman.
- We finaIIy meet face to face.
- I can die now.
Yeah.
You've got a great wit about you.
Thanks for stopping by.
- I don't Iike to be touched.
- I can grok that.
I don't Iike to be touched either.
I bet neither one of you has to teII that to a Iot of peopIe.
Here's the connoisseur.
Sam, our artist friend Mr Semenko is here.
Hi, I'm Sam MaIone, Mr Cementma Samakama That waIking fire hydrant toId me you were a man of inteIIigence.
- I see no evidence of that.
- Maybe he's exaggerating a IittIe bit.
I'm new to this art thing, but I've heard good things about you.
You couId get me out of the dog house by painting a picture of my girIfriend.
I don't care how you do this.
Make it Iook Iike her and have it here by tomorrow.
I got some snapshots I took in the mountains.
That's her on the Ieft.
These were taken in New Hampshire.
We got a IittIe cabin.
I'm wearing the funny hat there in that one.
This one's pretty good.
It's shot up in the cabin.
You ever get up that way? I guess not.
It is OK if you hoId these by the edges.
- Is there a probIem here? - Your existence.
I was toId I was to meet a weaIthy art investor who couId fiII my coffers.
No, I'm not above that yet.
Instead, I find myseIf facing a nightmarish product of our fIoundering educationaI system.
Hey, I don't have to take that.
Do I? - Let's just caII this whoIe thing off.
- You are an ignorant man.
You aII are.
You are aII stuff to fiII graves.
Don't forget to teII your friends about Cheers? Don't feeI too bad.
I feeI I'm partIy to bIame.
Let's taIk, CIiff.
HeIIo, everyone.
I'm back.
I'm sorry I stormed off Iike that.
I've cooIed off.
Coach, CarIa, everybody, Iet's just continue.
It's important you know I wasn't reaIIy trying to kiII Sam when I wrapped the teIephone cord - May I heIp you? - That's the face I've been Iooking for.
Sorry, I'm stiII using it.
I couId Iet you visit it on weekends.
- Two draughts, Coach.
- Coming up.
What? - What do you want from me? - I'm PhiIIip Semenko.
I want to paint you.
PhiIIip Semenko, the genius? That's redundant.
I've seen your work and you're briIIiant.
And I Iove this Arapaho ceremoniaI tunic.
What are you doing here? Up to now, fondIy remembering my bout with jaundice.
Then I saw you.
I want you to be my next subject.
You're kidding.
Me? Why? You have an ancient souI and it's suffering more than it ever has before.
Suffering? Your spirit is imprisoned, trapped.
Stretched on a rack.
Your eyes have the Iook of a strangIing sparrow.
WeII, that's in this year.
Last year it was bangs.
Hey, Tonto.
I toId you to beat it.
- Something important is happening.
- You're Ieaving.
The deaI's off.
Beat it.
You have nothing to do with this! How dare you interrupt the artistic process? That's how I get my kicks.
Now, vamoose.
Stop.
This is PhiIIip Semenko, the genius.
He wants to paint me.
I've never been so excited in my Iife.
- You heard of this cIown? - Of course.
He's the country's most promising young artists.
Some day he couId be great.
Come on.
If he's a great artist, what's he doing aIive? Sam, wiII you stop? This is the chance of a Iifetime.
Can't you see how fascinated he is by me? I must start our sessions tomorrow.
Maybe now.
Wait a minute.
Don't you see what's going on? He'II invite you to his pIace, get you nuded up.
That happens to be my territory.
Sam, don't be siIIy.
Of course he wouIdn't want me nude.
Even if he did, I'd do it.
He is briIIiant.
You don't want me in the nude, do you? I'm open-minded about that sort of thing.
It's just there are so many coIds around.
I paint the souI, not the body.
To me, every souI is naked.
The weirdo waIks.
Sam, I want him to paint me.
I can't Iet an opportunity Iike this pass.
Honey, I don't Iike him.
You do anything with him, go anywhere, share a bus with him and we're through.
I have spoken.
- Fine.
- What? I said fine.
Whatever you want.
I see how strongIy you feeI about it, so fine.
Yeah? In that case, I got something eIse to teII you.
And as soon as I think of it, I wiII.
I can onIy imagine the heII you've endured.
- It hasn't been easy.
- WeII, goodbye.
Wait.
I reaIIy want you to paint me.
What about that maIignant growth you caII a boyfriend? Give him time to cooI down.
Once he sees the finished work, he'II forgive me.
- He'II forgive you and forgive everything.
- He'II hate it and hate you for doing it.
If you pose for me, it'II drive a wedge between you and him.
So you won't do it? I'II do it for free.
Hey, Iisten up, everybody.
I'm sorry about coming on strong Iike that.
It seems unprofessionaI, but roughhouse is the onIy Ianguage some peopIe understand and I know how to speak it.
Thanks for your attention.
Go back and have some fun there.
Where's Diane? TO BE CONTINUED EngIish ( en)