Desperate Housewives s02e22 Episode Script

Previously on "Desperate Housewives" It seems on his last three trips east, he cashed in his first class ticket and took a detour to Atlantic City.
Lynette received some disturbing news - He said it was okay for me to kiss her.
- What else did your brother tell you? Caleb revealed a secret Susan made a first class confession You're going to leave me out here in the middle of nowhere? I can't be around you anymore.
I'm just not strong enough.
And Bree made the most difficult decision of her life.
Susan Mayer had always believed the one good thing about hard times is that you get to find out who your friends really are.
When her grandmother died, it was Bree who brought homemade cookies.
When the critics panned her third book, it was Gabrielle who hired the handsome masseur.
When her divorce became final, it was Lynette who poured the scotch.
Sadly, Susan's life had been shattered once again.
But as always, Her friends had come to help pick up the pieces.
Susan? We've all been talking.
We've decided you and Julie should stay with Bree.
Oh, thanks.
No, that's okay.
We'll stay at a motel.
Absolutely not.
Just give me an hour or two to straighten up Andrew's room, and then you can bring your selves over.
I don't deserve friends like you.
We're aware of that.
Susan, you're running low on trash bags.
I'm going to run to the store.
Thanks, Orson.
Thanks for coming.
You know, you didn't have to do this.
Hey, it's my pleasure.
Mrs.
Mayer! Hi.
Bud Penrod, Town and country insurance.
The "can do" people.
Oh, it's nice to meet you.
Yeah.
Look at that.
Well, that's no fun at all, is it? No.
No, it isn't.
So when am I gonna get the check? 'Cause I have a lot of rebuilding to do.
I need to get started.
Yeah, well, I'm afraid that's going to be a while.
You see, the fire department has ruled that this was arson.
Arson? Yeah.
So we can't give you any money until we finish our investigation.
Who would wanna burn down my house? I don't know.
Do you have any enemies? No.
No, look at it.
The whole neighborhood turned out to help.
I'm very popular.
And there's no one among them that wishes you ill? Oh, no, no.
Everybody's been very helpful.
Um, everybody likes me.
Absolutely everyone.
Yes, hard times were what Susan used to distinguish who was a friend and who wasn't.
No One Is Alone Not everyone enjoys being a small part of a large community.
Indeed, some yearn to leave the stress and noise of constant companionship behind them.
So they strike out on their own, hoping their solitude will bring a little peace and quiet.
It's only then they discover how dangerous it is to be alone in the world.
Zach, did you get the trash? How'd you get in here? Hiya, Paul.
I stood at the back door shouting and shouting.
- Were you in the little boys' room? - I'm calling the police.
No need.
I just needed to borrow some flour.
I'm a little bit psychic, and I predict fresh-baked cookies in your future.
Zachary.
What'd she want? She was in the cupboard.
Get a trash bag.
We're throwing everything away.
You think she was trying to poison us? All I know is we're eating out tonight.
What do you want? Uh this is a little awkward, and I apologize in advance for how this is gonna sound, but, um By any chance, did you burn down my house? Yes.
- What? - Yes, I burnt down your house, you sleazy little whore.
Edie! Why would you do that?! Can you blame me, after sending me that acid letter? Letter? What letter? The one where you admitted to stabbing me in the back by sleeping with Karl.
You weren't supposed to get that.
I stole that back from the mailman.
So you were trying to hide the truth from me? This is not what we should focus on right now.
The point is, you maliciously set fire to my house.
Look, I admit I might have overreacted a tad.
A tad? Edie, I have no roof! You can't just go around burning down people's homes.
Why not? You burnt down my home.
You stole Mike from me.
You slept with my fiancé.
That's the trifecta.
You're lucky I didn't torch your car.
That's it.
I'm going to the police, and I'm telling them what you did.
Did what? I didn't do anything.
What? You just confessed.
No, I didn't.
Did anyone else hear me confess? Hello? Hello? No witnesses.
No evidence, no confession.
I guess we're done here.
You can go home now.
Oh, wait.
That's right.
You don't have one.
No, no, Xiao-Mei, I've told you a million times.
No red meat for Mr.
Solis.
My triglycerides are through the roof.
Mm.
Sweetie, I need some more cream.
Xiao-Mei, what's wrong? She smell.
Who smells? Gaby? Excuse me.
What? Her perfume make me sick.
Honey, it's 100 bucks an ounce.
That tends to make everyone a little nauseous.
Xiao-Mei, your boobs are they tender? Mm-hmm.
Carlos! Her boobs are none of your business.
Gaby, think.
She's sensitive to smell, nauseous and has swollen breasts.
Well, I just ran her blood work.
It looks like the insemination was successful.
Oh! Oh, my God.
We're gonna have a baby! Now, you should know, since she's experiencing early symptoms, this might be a tough pregnancy for her.
Not a problem.
We are gonna treat her like a queen! Absolutely.
You have nothing to worry about here.
Oh, Mrs.
Solis, you smell.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Sorry.
I think it's gonna be a kick having Susan and Julie stay with us.
It'll be like living in a sorority.
We'll stay up late and we'll gossip and make smors.
Doesn't that sound like fun? Why are you pretending to be happy? I heard you walking around your room all night long crying.
I don't want to talk about it.
Look, I know why you're worried, but Andrew can take care of himself, and if he can't, he shouldn't have run away in the first place.
You know what? Maybe Andrew leaving will be good for us.
You are all I have left, and I am gonna be the best mother that I can be.
There's definitely room for improvement.
It's just You kinda forgot my birthday.
What? Yeah.
It was six weeks ago.
Oh, my God, Danielle.
I am so sorry.
It's okay.
You had a lot going on.
I mean, Andrew was suing you, and you were pretty wasted that month.
Honey, you've gotta let me make it up to you.
I-I'm gonna throw you a birthday party with all your friends, okay? That could be cool.
You know what else I'd like? Name it.
It's yours.
I want Andrew's room.
You said he's probably not coming back, and I could really use the extra closet space.
But, sweetheart, this is this is his room.
Mom, you forgot my birthday.
You're really in no position to negotiate.
Honey, where am I gonna put all of his things? And, you know, he might come back at some point.
He won't.
Like you said, I'm all you have left.
Atlantic City? Yeah, it's last minute, but Jerry got a great deal on a suite at one of the casinos, and a bunch of the old gang is coming in from New York, and God, it's been forever since I have been, so how could I turn that down? Yeah, how, indeed? What? I didn't say anything.
No, but you have that look.
Is something wrong? No! Except that I know you've been to Atlantic City three times in the last month without telling me.
Ed found the receipts when he did the office audit.
Other than that, no, nothing's wrong.
Tom, it would be better for your general well-being if you did not laugh at this moment in time.
Am I gonna have to ruin the surprise? Because it's a really good surprise.
I'm thinking, yeah, ruin it.
I have been going to Atlantic City for business.
I am up for a top spot with Jerry's firm, Huffington Promotions.
And if you don't believe me you can call the CEO himself.
I am so happy and I'm so relieved.
Did you think I was cheating? - No! Absolutely not.
- Lynette.
No! Okay, a little bit.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Ed found receipts for flowers and theater tickets.
- I mean, by the way, did you - Jerry and I went to a show, and the flowers were for Milt's wife.
I knew that.
You didn't have to tell me that.
- Why did you buy flowers for Milt's wife? - Lynette Sorry.
Stop.
Done talking.
That's fantastic.
I love you! I love you.
Carlos What's going on? Xiao-Mei is feeling under the weather, so I took up the vacuuming.
Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
So, uh, did you move my beauty products? They're not in the bathroom.
Why in the hell? I forgot to tell you.
Uh, you can't use that stuff anymore.
It really triggers Xiao-Mei's morning sickness.
All of it? Even my hair pomade? - Gives me stomachache.
- Yeah, well, it gives me volume, so I guess we're both gonna have a problem.
Do you have to be so high-maintenance? You're not a model, Carlos.
Maintenance is my only skill.
Please, no fight.
If Mrs.
Solis smell bad, I be okay.
Fine.
I'll learn to live without product.
But when my hair starts smelling like hair, I don't wanna hear a word.
Surprise! What the hell is that? Isn't it darling? I made it for your party.
It's a big "1" and a big "7" For "17.
" Were you up all night making that thing? Yeah.
I just wasn't tired.
Oh, I wanna show you what else I've planned.
I think you're gonna love it.
You got a fajita bar and a juggler? No, relax.
He's a very hip juggler.
He only performs to Beatles songs, and I saw the video, and it's absolutely thrilling.
Mom, I don't want any of this stuff.
- It's not even my real birthday.
- Danielle, I just want you to have the best party you have ever had in your entire life.
I just want a few friends to come over and hang out.
You can make a cake, but giant balloon numbers? I mean, come on.
They would all make fun of me.
Oh.
Okay.
Is that really necessary? Honey, I can't possibly put it in the garbage as is.
It's just another morning with the Van De Kamps.
Oh, Susan, did I wake you? Uh, no.
No, I was up.
Well, I'm sorry about the noise.
It's just that Danielle doesn't want balloons, and I'm kind of pressed for time.
Bree are you okay? She said she doesn't want balloons.
I'm fine.
Mom? Look, I know you're out there.
Please, just talk to me.
Mom, I need something to drink.
Just some water, some juice.
Something, anything.
Please.
Mom! You want me to say that I set Caleb up? Yeah, I did it.
I started thinking about all those years.
Years that we had to take care of him, and I just thought maybe once he was gone, we could have a normal life.
And I'm sorry.
But, mom, you have got to let me out of here now.
Damn you! You were willing to stand by and let me murder your brother without reason.
That's an unforgivable betrayal.
I am so consumed with rage, it's best you stay in there, because if I let you out I don't know what I might do to you.
Hello? I need Edie to spill her guts.
What do you know about wearing a wire? - So you see the little red light? - Mmh.
It's all voice-activated, so if the light's on, you're recording.
Uh, let me show you how to tape it on.
Oh, okay.
Sorry if my hands are cold.
Um no, that's okay.
They're fine.
So you sure you wanna do this? Yeah.
I'm sort of up against the wall.
The insurance company needs proof fast, and things are sort of weird at Bree's.
I don't wanna overstay my welcome.
Well, if things get tough, you can always stay here.
Testing, testing.
I'm sorry.
Did you just invite me to move in with you? Well, you and Julie in the spare bedroom.
Oh.
You've You've been saying how you want to be friends again, and you're right.
There's no reason we can't be friends.
You sure that won't put a crimp in your, uh, dating life? You know, that girl you were at the movies with? No.
That was a one-time thing.
But what about that guy, though? Orson.
Yeah, he just heard about the fire and came over to help.
We're friends.
Oh.
So neither of us is dating anybody.
Guess not.
I got my boarding pass.
Do what you need to do and don't worry about the kids.
I'll keep 'em out of trouble.
Is this crazy? Following Tom across the country just to spy on him? If he knew I was doing this God, I don't think I can go through with this.
Now, look, there's probably nothing going on, but you need to know the truth.
Do I? I'm happy.
I mean, I was.
Why don't I just look the other way and pretend nothing's wrong? Lots of women can do that.
But we both know you're not one of them.
And what if I see him with another woman? What then? I own a gun.
You okay here? I'm fine.
Why? It's just, people have been asking about the cake, and you've been icing it for over an hour.
Well, I just keep messing it up.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
You're probably just tired.
My mom and I heard you up all night.
It just keeps coming out too thick.
You know, people aren't gonna care if the icing isn't perfect.
People care about details.
Someday when Danielle looks back, I want her to remember just how perfect her cake looked and how hard her mother worked to make her happy.
This cake is a symbol of my love.
Well, it looks delicious.
# Happy birthday to you, # happy birthday to you.
# Happy birthday, dear Danielle Stop! One of the candles went out.
Um, we're gonna have to do this all over again.
I'm sorry.
I'll be right back.
- Mom, it's all right.
- Sweetheart, this is your special day.
All of your candles should be lit.
It'll just take me two seconds.
Is she serious? Welcome to my own private hell.
That is some serious frosting.
All righty.
Who touched this? Mom, what is the matter? It's just a little frosting.
Somebody ruined your cake, and I wanna know who could be that thoughtless.
Was it you? Or you?! Who was it? Mom, please, you're embarrassing me.
You.
You look like a girl who enjoys her frosting.
No! No, I didn't touch it.
It's just a cake, for God's sake.
Will you please just cut it? Mrs.
Van De Kamp Open your mouth.
I wanna smell your breath.
It wasn't me! It was Barbie.
Barbie! What the hell is wrong with you?! Now it's ruined! Everything is ruined! Um You can just leave that there, and I'll, um clean it up later.
Xiao-Mei, what are you doing in our bed? I said she could sleep in there from now on.
It's got the bathroom.
You know, in case she gets sick in the middle of the night.
- Well, what's wrong with the guest bathroom? - It's too far away.
- It's right down the hall.
- Gaby, she needs her rest.
And besides, that bed is much more comfortable than the one in the guest room.
Yeah, I know.
That's why I had the movers put it in here, where we sleep.
Maybe I go to my bed.
Yes, Xiao-Mei, that would be good.
Uh-Oh.
Fine.
You can use our toilet.
Ow! Stop kicking me.
I'm just trying to get comfortable.
Yeah, in a twin? Good luck.
God, I want my bed back.
We'll go buy a nice big one tomorrow - and put it in here, okay? - That is not the point.
We are a week into this pregnancy, and you're already putting Xiao-Mei's needs before mine.
Well, she's the priority now.
She's the mother of my child.
Like hell she is.
That is my egg.
- You know what I mean.
She's the - Oven, Carlos.
The oven.
A well-cared for, well-paid oven.
It came out wrong.
I'm sorry, okay? Now can we just get some sleep? Ohh! Babe, I'm sorry.
I swear.
I swear I didn't mean to.
My leg just cramped up.
Where are you going? That's my pillow! Good night.
Matthew! Mom, come on.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing in there? Danielle, is that you? My mom found out what we did to Caleb.
- She flipped out and locked me in here.
- Don't worry.
I'll get you out.
Be really careful, okay? Please, okay? I've never seen her like this before.
She's seriously lost it this time.
I know a little something about psycho moms.
Trust me, I'll be fine.
Hey.
Cleaning up after the big party? Yeah.
You know, it's late.
Why don't you, uh, go to bed and, you know, let Julie and I help you with that in the morning? Oh, that's okay.
I can't sleep anyway.
Are you okay? I take it you heard what happened.
Yeah, when you flip out in front of the pep squad, word travels fast.
It was the oddest sensation.
I was fine, and everything was fine, and then suddenly I was on the outside of my body watching a woman who looked like me becoming a raving maniac.
Bree, I'm worried about you.
- Do you think that you should see someone? - Oh, no, I'm fine.
I'm just tired, that's all.
I just need a long rest, and then I'm gonna be as good as new.
Okay, well, then why don't you stop and go to bed? Because, um, I can't sleep just yet.
Why not? Because when I sleep, I dream, and when I dream, I keep seeing Andrew's face in that rearview mirror.
Okay, what are you talking about? Andrew, um didn't run away.
I, um, dropped him off in the middle of nowhere, told him that I couldn't be around him anymore, and then I drove off.
So I just need a little time to forget what I've done, and then I can sleep again.
Hey.
You know, I am not even tired.
So why don't I stay up and help you? That would be nice.
Hello? Hey, you.
How you doing? Hey! Great.
Great.
How's Atlantic City? Are you, um, winning some money? Oh, I'm about even.
Actually, I'm heading back into the casino right now - to try my luck again.
- Yeah? You're quite a gambler.
Where's Jerry? Uh, Jerry? He-he's right here.
Hey, honey, how are the kids? Great.
Great.
They're in the day care room.
I'm looking at 'em right now.
Hey, why don't you walk in there and, um, put 'em on the phone with me so I can say hi? Okay.
Sure.
First, can I talk to Jerry? Why do you wanna talk to Jerry? Well, just, you know, say hello.
It's been a long time.
Wow, man, that is weird.
Can you hear-- do you hear that car alarm? Uh no.
It's strange, because I can hear it here and through the phone.
Whoa.
That's weird kind of feedback, you know? Physics can be spooky that way.
Listen, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Ed is talking to me, and, um, I'll call you back later? Um, okay.
Okay, bye.
Bye, honey.
I think so.
My neighbor, Paul Young, has been threatening me.
Is he there right now? No.
Ma'am, until he actually does something, there's nothing we can do.
Well, I won't live in fear anymore.
If you people refuse to confront him, I guess I'll just have to do it myself.
No, Edie, wait.
Um, I don't wanna fight.
I know that we've had our differences, but, you know, we had a friendship going there, and I just think we owe it to ourselves to talk about what happened.
What's there to talk about? It happened.
I walked down to your house, - I had a watering can - What? - filled it with gasoline and Boom! Laughed my ass off.
Okay, wait.
Could you just swallow? 'Cause I couldn't really what you were saying And that was basically it.
One of the best days of my life.
Well, see, you were chewing, and so I didn't really hear what you said.
Could you just say it again? I burnt your house down.
It was great.
What do you want? So, uh, y-you then a-admit burning down my house on purpose? You're wearing a wire, aren't you? Huh? - Open that blouse.
- What? No.
Open that blouse! Aah! You can't outrun me, Mayer! I'm in the best shape of my life! Well, good, then you'll be prime meat picking - when you go to jail! - You give it! Bite me! Aha! No! No! Ow! What the hell? Nine months of long nights on the couch loomed before Gabrielle.
And she had decided she would not take it lying down.
So she dipped into her supply of forbidden perfumes determined that in this battle she would be the one to come out smelling like a rose.
I think I take nap now.
Yeah, sure, knock yourself out.
Aah! Honey? Boys? Anybody home? Hey, Mrs.
McCluskey, excuse me.
You haven't seen Lynette around, have you? She's not home.
She's not answering her cell phone.
She packed up the kids and the puppy and left.
Packed 'em up? Why? She followed you to Atlantic City.
She knows about your other woman.
Boy, you're just lucky you're not my husband.
Hi.
Okay, first, let me say, I'm really sorry about the yellowjackets.
And also, no matter how mad I am about what you did, I don't want to see you go to prison.
So I came with a solution.
Why don't you just come forward and tell the police that you saw some vagrant lurking by my garage with a can of gasoline? And if you do that, then I'll destroy the tape.
And then the insurance company will pay the claim.
Nobody gets hurt.
Does that sound good? Come closer.
Oh, uh Take your stinking deal and shove it.
Edie Every time something bad happens to me, you're standing nearby.
Well, I've had it.
No more pretending to be friends.
When I get outta here, I'm gonna destroy you.
Okay, I'm just gonna think that this is the meds talking, and I'll come back tomorrow.
Don't bother.
Okay, Edie, I'm in trouble here.
Oh, I'm sure you'll turn on the waterworks, and the whole neighborhood will come running.
They always do.
- That's not true.
- Sure, it is.
You never miss an opportunity to play the victim.
And you think just because everybody always comes to your rescue, it means that you're loved.
Well, it doesn't.
It means that you're helpless.
Now get out.
Just get out.
Hey there.
Hi.
So, you've given any thought to staying at my place? Oh, yeah, that.
Um Look, I really appreciate the offer, but I think I'm gonna have to pass.
- Really? - Yeah.
I think it's best.
I don't wanna get a rep around here for being a charity case, you know? Well, I didn't mean it that way.
Just one friend helping out another.
I know, but I can figure this out on my own.
At least I'm gonna try.
You know, I'm stronger than people give me credit for.
I really am.
Well, if there's anything I can do You know what would be nice? Why don't you just stop over for coffee sometime? Okay.
I mean, that is after I get running water and electricity again.
And a coffeemaker.
I hope you're happy.
That poor girl can hardly even come upstairs now because of you.
Carlos, stop with the dance.
It's already in the wallpaper.
Now I swear, if anything happens to that kid because of you Oh, it's perfume, not toxic gas.
Why are you acting this way? Because I see the writing on the wall, and it scares the hell out of me.
Meaning what? From the second Xiao-Mei got pregnant, you have found a million and one ways to tell me that - that baby is more important to you than me.
- Oh, come on, Gaby.
No! Men can't help it.
When they become fathers, they become lousy husbands.
And some wives don't mind, but you didn't marry one of those women.
I don't think I can sleep in here tonight.
The air's just a little too toxic.
She kick you out, too? Marriage is complicated, Xiao-Mei.
You'll find that out someday.
You feel like watching some trashy American TV? I make you sandwich.
Roast beef.
Oh, man.
Gaby's got me on this health kick thing.
She'll kill me if I eat red meat.
I will not tell.
Taste good? Real good.
Matthew, wake up.
I have your breakfast.
I might be furious with you, but never let it be said that I'm cruel.
I advise you not to charge this door, because I am not in the mood for any unpleasantness.
Matthew? Matthew! Aah! Jeez, Danielle! I thought you were just gonna steal the key.
Let's just get out of here.
Mother, Matthew and I are running away together and we're never coming back.
If you want me to be happy, you won't try to find us.
Living in that house with you was like being in a prison.
You drove me to do this, so I hope you'll blame yourself.
Have a nice life.
Danielle.
Hello.
My name is Bree Van De Kamp, and I'd like to admit myself for psychiatric observation.
All right, what seems to be the problem? I think I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.
Damn it! What the hell? That psychotic bitch.
There was no confrontation.
Felicia Tillman's the one who made the call.
She's the anonymous tip.
Let's just go over there right now.
I guarantee you, the woman is having a cocktail, laughing her ass off.
We're not going anywhere yet, sir.
Yes, I know there's blood everywhere.
She probably got it from a pig so she can vandalize everything I own.
Sergeant.
What is it? Put your hands where I can see 'em.
Oh, man, she's good.
It's a shocking moment for each of us, that moment we realize we are all alone in this world.
The family we take for granted could one day abandon us.
The husband we trust so implicitly might betray us.
The daughter we love so deeply perhaps won't return to us.
And then we could end up all by ourselves.
Of course, some see great value in going it alone.
For example Sorry about the dust, Mrs.
Huber.
We don't get too many tourists this far up the mountain.
First snows come and this place is completely cut off.
Dropping off the face of the earth, now that's what I call a vacation.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh.
Sometimes I'm just all thumbs.