Frasier s02e22 Episode Script

- Hello, Frasier.
- Niles.
Double latte, full fat, chocolate shavings.
- The self-pity special.
- I've had a hellish week.
To top it off, our wine club president kicked the bucket.
His body wasn't even chilled before the club jackals angled to succeed him.
You've never seen such conniving.
- Who's winning? - Maris, of course, but just barely.
Matthew Pym tried to stage a coup.
Fortunately, Maris has photos she took at his wedding, showing the label on the champagne.
- Domestic? - Not just domestic.
From Connecticut.
It's that dreadful woman who works for you.
- Who? - Lady Macbeth without the sincerity.
Oh, Bebe's here.
I care for her just as little as you do, but she is a terrific agent, which is why I overlook the fact that she's pushy, obnoxious and a phoney.
- Bebe, darling, how are you? - My poor, wounded baby.
I heard what those misers you work for are trying to do.
- They're not going to get away with it.
- You heard wrong.
They extended my contract with an 8% raise.
Double cappuccino.
Move it! Well, Bebe, that is what my contract calls for.
A slave contract you negotiated before you had an agent.
- They took advantage of you.
- I thought it was generous.
Do you have any idea how hot you are? I get offers every day offering the moon for you.
- Am I really that hot? - Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast, I'd be done.
I'm Niles, a person at the table.
Niles, thank God you're here.
Give him some brotherly advice.
She's the devil.
Run fast, run far.
Bebe, I realise the station makes a handsome profit on my show, but what can I do? - I do have a contract.
- No, darling, what you have is a fever.
- What? - Ooh! You're like a furnace! I think I see where you're going with this and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
- How do you feel about being low paid? - Who makes more? Who doesn't? Nanette from "Pet Chat", the Happy Chef.
- Father Mike could buy and sell you.
- Father Mike! - He took a vow of poverty.
- Well, now he's taking a cruise.
Oh, that big, strapping chest of yours is all congested.
Say the word and I'll tell the station you have some coughing up to do and so do they.
Bebe, this fever of mine, how much higher do you think it might go? I'm guessing 30% to 40% above where it is now.
Well, what else can I say, but ah-choo.
'You wanted me to get you pregnant.
' 'I was in a coma.
' My God, in one scene they've got Sky, Zena and Slate.
I don't think someone called Frasier should point any fingers.
Is this how you spend your days when I'm not at home? When you're not home, I can hear what they're saying.
You wouldn't want to miss this.
"Oh, Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you? He loves Placenta.
" My favourite are the villains.
One guy kicked his grandmother down the stairs, embezzled money from a hospital and poisoned a puppy.
Give him credit, though.
He did show up for work every day.
If you're going to be so subtle, how will I ever get your point? I think when you sign a contract, you stick to it.
A man's only as good as his word.
My words have doubled ad revenues and they gave me a measly 8% raise.
So what? In 30 years on the police force, do you think I ever said, "Hey, I'm shooting more bad guys, how about a bonus?" You don't understand.
It's show business.
- I'll get it.
- Thank you, Daphne.
Negotiations are like a dance.
They expect me to fight my contract.
They know I'm not sick.
I know they know.
They know I know they know.
- It's all part of the negotiations mambo.
- Hello, Roz.
- Daphne.
Hey, Martin.
- How are things at the front? They painted over your parking space name.
Perfect.
Bebe told me they might.
It's a negotiating tactic.
It shows they're nervous.
They must be jittery.
They took your picture down.
- Roz, they're just trying to scare me.
- He knows they're trying to scare him.
They know that he knows they're trying to scare him.
Thank you, Dad! - It's like a card game.
- Like a card game.
It's like a dance.
It sounds like a weekend in Vegas.
I thought they'd play games, too, but they're auditioning replacements.
- They're interviewing people? - All day.
They're hot on this woman who has a gardening show.
She calls herself Ma Nature.
I can't work for her, Frasier.
You should see her nails.
There's no need to panic.
I'm sure it's all part of the dance.
The station sent me over with your stuff.
They've cleaned out my cubicle? You're up on the gossip.
They're bluffing, right? I hope not.
My audition went really well.
Nurse Bebe reporting for duty.
Blossoms for my little shut-in.
Put these in something.
Have you heard what's going on? They're auditioning other people.
Marvellous! They're resorting to cheap scare tactics.
Looks like I was right to bring this along.
Chill that.
Darling, you're looking pale.
Don't tell me these amateur theatrics are worrying you? Well, no, no, but the stress of not worrying is starting to get to me.
I don't know if I can take much more of this.
Darling, if that's the way you feel, then fine.
Let's get this over with.
Frasier, it's for the best.
Trust me on this one.
Tom Duran, please.
Bebe Glaser calling.
Tom, Bebe's bored.
You huffed and puffed, but our house is still standing.
We'll give you a midnight deadline.
Either call us at Frasier's and we'll renegotiate or we'll walk! Love you.
That should make them sweat.
Don't you think? It might.
It's all over, but the waiting.
Canasta, anyone? Shuffle these.
Oh, God.
It's over.
They've made the decision.
It's over.
It was a fun run while it lasted, eh, Seattle? This is Dr Frasier Crane! And I was listening! Here we are.
One tea, half-Darjeeling, half-camomile.
Skimmed milk and sweetener.
I thought you'd enjoy a fat free tea biscuit.
Will there be anything else? - No.
You run along.
I'm fine.
- Are you sure? I could wait until you finish the biscuit and floss your teeth for you.
You are a cheeky little monkey, aren't you? This cookie tastes like meat! Yes and it'll remove tartar and give you a nice, shiny coat.
I think I'm going to hit the hay, too.
That's risky, isn't it? Leaving us kids out here unchaperoned.
Better him than me.
Why are you so tense? This is the best part.
What could be more fun than this? Watching a loved one be autopsied? Think of them, sweating in their offices, chain-smoking, biting their nails, their ulcers churning out enough acid to burn a hole in a ship's hull.
Oh, God! And to think I nearly went into nursing.
You're right, Bebe.
You're right.
If they're foolish enough to let me go, other stations would love to have Frasier Crane.
- Exactly.
- Yes.
But it's time to discuss other offers and consider our fallback position.
Ooh! Someone's out of Scotch.
Bebe, tell me there are other offers.
Scads! Look me in the eye and tell me the truth.
There are no other offers.
Straight up or on the rocks? My God! Darling, you can't make a deal without bluffing.
You're supposed to bluff them, not me! - Are you trying to ruin me? - You are such a worrywart.
Don't you patronise me, you sweet-talking succubus.
Call them.
Ooh, my God.
Hands of Hercules.
What must your legs be like? - Answer it.
- Not yet.
Where are we? Have we gone out? Is it too late? Answer it! Crane residence.
Bebe Glaser speaking.
It's them.
I see.
I see.
Fine.
Well? Renegotiations tomorrow, from scratch.
Dear God! Oh.
Oh, we did it.
Oh, my God, I'm so pleased.
Thank you, Bebe.
Maybe next time you'll trust little Bebe.
I'm sorry.
I underestimated you.
I'm sorry for that outburst and for grabbing you.
Don't be.
I was impressed.
It was manly in a hysterical sort of way.
Cheers.
Champagne on top of Scotch.
- What the hell! - To a beautiful partnership.
No.
To a remarkable agent.
What Bebe wants, Bebe gets.
When will I ever learn that? Soon enough, dear.
Soon enough.
Sorry, Eddie, he's still alive.
You're not getting your own room.
- How're you feeling? - How do I look? The last time I saw a guy who looked like you he'd been in the trunk of a car for a month.
Good morning! My goodness, christened a few ships last night, I see.
The station agreed to renegotiate.
- Oh, well done.
- They called around five to midnight.
Bebe and I had some champagne to celebrate and then And then Oh, God.
Morning, Doctor.
Somebody hold me.
I didn't see a robe and your shirt is so nice and big and warm just like you.
I think I'll go in the other room and eat my breakfast, while I still can.
I'd better go cook for him.
I know how the Crane men like their legs eggs.
I think they were a little shocked.
I'm a little surprised myself.
Let's not kid ourselves.
We both knew this would happen someday.
- We did? - The signs were all there.
The glances, the furtive smiles.
You know what would really hit the spot right now? My God, you're a machine! I meant coffee.
- I'll get it.
- That's not necessary.
Good morning, Niles.
What a lovely surprise.
We were about to have breakfast.
Won't you join us? Come on in, Niles.
It's all right.
We were celebrating.
The station called to renegotiate my contract.
Paid your commission upfront, I see.
It's getting late.
I'll freshen up.
Save me a muffin, muffin.
Oh, all right.
Go ahead.
Get your shots in.
I'm just glad you're all right.
I'd assumed she killed after mating.
- Is she gone? - No, Dad.
She's changing.
Oh, my God.
How did this happen? You're asking us? I've got to tell her this was just a mistake.
You'd better be careful.
She's liable to go nuts, like in that movie, then try to boil Eddie.
- We'll give you privacy.
- I can't tell her now.
She's renegotiating my contract.
- I'll tell her later.
- What a good idea.
Wait till she makes you money, then you can make her feel really used.
Sounds like a plan to me.
- Darling! - We'll leave you to your happy task.
Cancel that muffin, Bebe just started a diet.
Wink.
Besides, tonight we're dining at Bernardi's.
It's sinfully expensive, but after contract talks, we can afford it.
- Bebe.
- Yes.
Bebe, I don't think there are any words to describe what we shared last night.
It was like Greco-Roman wrestling on a trampoline.
As magical as it was, it's not the kind of thing we should let happen again.
I value you too much as a colleague to jeopardise that relationship.
- I see.
- Oh, you're upset.
We'd both have realised sooner or later.
I was hoping for later, but sooner's best.
I'd better dash.
I'll call you later.
Oh, like you never crawled under the wrong fence once in your life! Disaster.
Maris's wine club had an outing to the local vineyard.
As president, she was first into the vat.
Imagine her humiliation as she danced in a barefoot fury and was unable to break a single grape.
Have you heard a word I've said? Of course not.
I'm still worried about Bebe.
- You said she took it well.
- You know how strong women are.
Sometimes strength masks vulnerability.
Well, let's face it, once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane Lake dry land is never the same again.
She's probably writing Mrs Bebe Crane over and over in the margin of her algebra book.
You can make light of this if you want, but I may have broken her heart.
- Whose heart did you break? - No one! Niles, be quiet! I'm going to figure it out sooner or later.
Give me a clue.
Just one.
Doc! Bebe's on the ledge! She's threatening to jump! - Oh, my God.
This is all my fault! - Wait! Just give me a hint! - Bebe, please! - Get away from me! Excuse me.
What happened? I don't know.
We were working out your deal and she burst into tears.
I went to get her water.
When I came back, she's out there, sobbing she doesn't want to live.
Bebe, it's Frasier.
Please come in.
It's no good! My life is over! You gotta save her.
My contract's up in six weeks.
She's my agent, too.
- I'm going out there.
- Are you nuts? You know what the drop would do to you? Toss a pumpkin out, so I have a clear image.
- Why don't you wait for the police? - No.
No.
That woman out there needs me.
- Bebe, I'm coming out.
- Don't come any closer.
I'll jump! - Bebe, please.
- You can't help me! No one can help me! I'm not worth doing this over.
Look, there'll be other men.
It may take time, but you'll get over me.
Somebody thinks well of himself.
What? This isn't about us.
It's just a little bargaining tactic.
I threaten to jump.
You talk me down.
Major coverage.
Bang! Your price goes up 20%.
My life is meaningless! Talk to me, darling.
Talk to me.
- You're coming in right now.
- Stay away from me! You can't talk me out of this! At least not until Channel Five gets here.
Come on, dear.
Make like a therapist.
You're out of your mind.
You should be in therapy.
That's good, but louder.
Give me one reason to live! Just one! Well, there are hundreds of reasons.
Work, art, the people who care about you.
Now, come in, you crazy bitch! Channel Five, come to Mama! Here's the plan.
I swoon forward, you catch me.
- What? - On three.
One, two - No! - three! Film at 11:00.
Just get in.
- Are you all right? - Yes, I'm fine now.
Get her some water.
Do you want to sit down? Thank you, Frasier.
You saved my life.
That was incredible, Frasier.
Look, I know we've got some unfinished business, but after this, there's no way we're going to let you get away.
Well, thank you, Tom.
If I could just have a moment alone with Bebe? Sure.
What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, lied to me.
nearly got me killed.
You've shamelessly manipulated me, the station, the media and the city of Seattle.
What do you have to say for yourself? Aren't you glad I'm on your side? Yes, I suppose I am.