Frasier s02e24 Episode Script

Caroline, if you've had therapy for two years without much progress, perhaps you've reached a plateau, or you and your therapist have done all you can together.
'Maybe you're right.
He's kind of dry and long-winded.
' Well, that's a long time to spend with a psychiatrist who's dry and long-winded.
Amen to that! 'Thanks, Dr Crane.
I'll think about that.
'Would it be OK if I called back and picked your brain?' Just consider me your mental banjo.
Well, that's it for this fine Friday.
This is Frasier Crane saying we'll see you next week.
Good show, Frasier.
I've waited for this moment for an entire week.
That's what I love about you.
You work hard and play hard.
I'm looking forward to this weekend.
Even conscientious psychiatrists can have their fill of people's problems.
Hi.
Is one of you Roz Doyle? Yes.
That's all the clues you're getting.
A little offering from one of your suitors, perhaps? A nice string of pearls, a teardrop pendant It's a brick of cheese! On the right chain it should look smart.
It's from my family.
They're at my uncle's dairy farm in Wisconsin.
- Why didn't you go? - There wasn't time.
Now I wish I had.
Frasier, we always have so much fun.
Once there was this cheese platter, and my uncle spoke in cheese language.
Instead of saying, "Hello.
How are you?" He said, "Hello, Havarti?" Someone else would go, "I'm Gouda.
" I don't know what would come after that? If I'd been there, the sound of a gunshot.
Don't make fun.
I miss those people.
There, there.
- We play games and sing songs.
- I know.
And Aunt Libby does cannonballs into the lake.
The memories must be And Uncle Ned has too much to drink and puts pants on all the cows.
If you want family fun tonight, why don't you come to my dad's birthday? I forgot about it last year, but I'll make up for it this year.
There's just one rule - no work, just a good time.
- Frasier, I wouldn't be much fun.
- Roz, I insist.
I enjoy partying with you and I hate to see you like this.
I Camembert it.
How sweet.
All right! It's someone's birthday.
I hope you're in the mood for a party.
I know I am.
- You're bloody impossible! - You're a bloody nag! Don't you shake that cane at me! For heaven's sake, not again.
I know what I want for my birthday.
Fire Daphne.
You'd have to rehire me first, because I quit.
I hope I never see that hateful old canker sore ever again.
- What is it this time? - The usual.
I ask him to exercise and he twists his face up like a baby.
You asked by pouring my beer away and banging a pot with a spoon.
- I don't have to be your friend.
- Good.
I got a friend here who isn't a yammering nag.
- Eddie, fetch! - Stop this! Pick your argument up tomorrow.
Tonight we're having a party.
I went down to Emilio's.
I got some lemon cake, snacks, and champagne.
Can we agree to have fun this evening? That'll be probably Roz.
She's down and in need of a happy environment.
I could use the same thing.
Can you just agree to a truce? - Roz, hello! - Hi, Frasier.
Hey, Martin.
Happy birthday.
You didn't have to do this! Thanks.
I'll model it for you later.
He's already modelling one.
I have a nice evening planned.
Can we try to be civil? You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! - Happy birthday, Dad.
- Thanks.
Niles, what are you talking about? You spoke to a patient of mine today.
Caroline.
As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me.
Caroline was your patient? I Two years of my hard work wiped out by your two-minute McSession.
Niles, I merely suggested she consider a change.
Based on what diagnostic method? One potato, two potato? Fancy that.
A member of this family not taking the time to do something.
- Quack! - Exactly, Dad.
Quack! - I was talking to her.
- Don't you raise your cane at her.
Roz, where are you going? - I think I'd better leave.
- We were just talking.
I'd just rather be by myself.
Thanks, guys.
I had a wonderful time.
- You've ruined her evening.
- Her evening? It's my birthday.
Let's get that underway.
Who's ready for cake? I don't want to keep you all here, so let's get this over with.
Thanks for a great party! There's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs.
Every light in the city is out.
It must be a blackout.
There's worse places to be.
Like the elevator Roz! Why couldn't it be Daphne? Stop doing that! We need to get some light.
Eddie, where are you? Excuse me, Dr Crane.
Quite all right, Daphne.
Daphne, where are the lamps? They're in the kitchen.
Dad, light a fire.
Excuse me, Dr Crane.
Not your fault, Daphne.
Where are you, Eddie? I've found him! That's better.
I'll get my radio.
See what's going on.
Roz, are you all right? I'm fine.
The blackout hit as the elevator opened on the 14th floor.
I stood there trying to decide whether to come back up here, or take my chances in the streets with the muggers and the weirdos.
So I went down a couple of flights then I changed my mind.
Somebody's probably looting my apartment.
There's a thriving black market in badly designed Formica cofee tables.
At least I have my own sense of style.
You won't buy a chair unless a fey French aristocrat sat his fat fanny in it.
Louis XIV was not fey.
Everyone wore garters then.
- If they were fey they did.
- He was a big man.
Silence, enfants! We can all sit in the dark and be miserable or we can try having fun.
- I'll call Maris.
- Niles has voted.
Who votes for fun? I'm going to go get a glass of wine.
The steaks we were having are out.
I'll see what I can find.
- Sorry, Dr Crane.
- Excuse me, Daphne.
Power's out all over Seattle.
They're working on it.
Thank God I got you.
Don't panic.
It's important to stay calm.
About the blackout.
Maris, take off your slumber mask.
No, darling, don't panic.
Honey.
No, honey, we're Honey.
She's fine.
Yum scrum, pig's bum.
Here's something nice - half-gallon tubs of vanilla fudge.
Let's have these right away before they melt.
They'll stay cold for at least 24 hours.
Shut up! Well, I don't like to be nostalgic, but it was great when you forgot my birthday.
What we need to do is liven things up a little bit.
How about a game? What was it we played at the Vanderkelins while they costumed the servants for the living chess match? I remember! It was "I'm the dullest person".
Pick a game someone else has a chance of winning.
That's got things shaking.
Come on, Dad.
Come on.
The object is, we all get pennies and we try to get the other person's pennies.
Please, slow down! All right, if I were going to go I would say, "I am the dullest because I've never been on a roller coaster".
Everyone who has been on a roller coaster would give me a penny.
Now, we all have our pennies.
- Will you go first, Daphne? - I can't think of anything.
Say whatever comes to mind.
"I'm the dullest person because " Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth or on an airplane or a merry-go-round.
That's good, but it should be something someone might have done.
I was in college.
I was trying to find myself.
You just needed to look under the nearest man.
All right, Dad, get our pennies.
I'm the dullest person because I've never been to France.
That's the spirit.
Niles? Something you've never done.
I'm dull because I've never sabotaged my brother's career.
- Will you give it a rest! - Your father could show you how to do that.
Will you stop people? You are torturing me! I could report you to Amnesty! - I'm out of here.
- Where are you going? To sit in the tub with a hair dryer waiting for the power to come back on This blackout could go on all night.
I'll brave the streets and get back.
I hope it isn't like that storm.
I had to coax Maris from under the bed by tying a Prozac to some string.
- You want to have a little cake? - No, thanks.
This reminds me of Wisconsin - all dark and deserted.
Isn't that on the licence plate? What's the real reason you didn't go? You've made it before.
Well No.
You don't want to hear any more problems and I don't blame you.
I think we have time for one more caller.
Well, every year I go to my reunion and my relatives crowd around me and I answer the same questions.
"No, I'm not married.
" "No, I don't have kids.
" "Yes, I still have that tattoo.
No, you can't see it.
" It'd be nice if I could at least say, "I have a great career.
" You do have a great career.
Tell them that.
They say I spend four hours on the phone every day with a bunch of losers and whackos and then some tedious know-it-all gives them pointless advice.
That's not me talking.
That's my Uncle Ned.
The cow haberdasher.
Roz, ten years ago, KACL didn't have any women producers.
You're a pioneer.
You've won awards.
You help people.
Sounds right when you say it.
There's more than your job.
You should explore other areas of your life - interests, or maybe a serious relationship.
Maybe you're right.
How long can I chase 25-year-olds that are all looks and no substance? - Exactly, Roz.
- I'm asking.
Three, four years? - Oh, bloody hell! - Daphne, are you all right? I broke your father's souvenir spoon rest from Atlantic City.
Oh, good.
When I have my own kitchen I'll put my spoons right on the damn counter.
I've always said, when I save $2,000 I'll get a place.
- How much have you saved? - 4,000.
I know what you're thinking.
What's wrong with me? Why do I stay? I was thinking I'm overpaying you.
My friends say, "You should be on your own, have a place, have a life.
" Why do I stay here? Could it be that maybe you you like us? My grandmother had a cat, a mangy old thing, kept ruining the furniture.
I asked her why she kept it and she said she liked having another heartbeat in the house.
It just makes me feel like I'm unambitious.
I could work in a hospital or a clinic.
Maybe that's not what's important to you right now.
You like being part of a family.
What's wrong with that? Nothing, I suppose.
Although my friends wonder how I can live with such demanding men.
- They call me demanding? - No, they call you a pompous ass.
- But you've learned that I'm not.
- No, I've learned to work around it.
I'm getting a beer.
I know it's bad for me, will make me fat, and keep me from exercising.
- You have anything to add to that? - Yes.
Happy birthday, you old sod.
They try to confuse you on purpose.
Room temperature.
Just like England - another place I'll never get to.
Dad you used to talk about going to Europe when your hip improved.
Now you say you'll never get there.
What's changed? Nothing! My hip's the same as the year ago.
I thought I'd be better but I'm not and probably never will be.
You're happy just sitting on your can, doing your show, living in your head.
I'm used to being out there.
Eddie! Listen, Dad, you can still travel.
No, you can.
If you can't walk around Paris, you could sit at a nice café and let Paris walk past you.
Maybe buy a drink for a beautiful mademoiselle.
Get a nice bottle of imported beer.
- I only like Ballantine's.
- In Paris, Ballantine's is imported.
And you are the handsome Américain with the adorable accent.
They like moustaches over there, don't they? Garage door's electric.
Can't open.
Bad lady upstairs.
Big dog.
Need place to die.
- Same to you, buddy! - Who are you talking to? Some rowdy guys downstairs.
Come on, I want you to introduce us.
- Keep your pants on.
- Let me take your coat.
- Haven't you taken enough from me? - You're being irrational.
- Sticks and stones.
- You're acting just like Dad.
You take that back! You're not really mad at me.
I didn't tell that woman to leave you.
I merely suggested it as an option.
It was all her choice.
Could it be you're upset because you couldn't help that woman? I really hate that when you take a simple criticism and turn it back on me.
- I think I'm right.
- Of course you are.
Why do you think I hate it.
Do you have any idea what I went through trying to help that woman? Yes, I think I do.
Niles, you're a perfectionist.
As faults go, that's not such a bad one.
Just would've been nice if I'd been the one to say it was time to go.
Instead, she had to hear it from some glib, albeit insightful, radio pundit.
Those guys invited us to a blackout party.
- They got cold beer.
- And Jarlsberg.
I was feeling a bit down, but suddenly I'm in a party mood.
- What about our party? - There are people downstairs.
- Come on, Frasier.
- No, thank you.
I'm not in the mood.
- Don't be a party-pooper.
- Let him be.
He was always that way.
Maybe it's time for a lesson about living the life of this party-pooper.
I spend the whole week ministering to the troubled, the neurotic and the sometimes plain goofy.
Then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there.
On the street, at the café, even in this building More people come up for help.
More problems.
I suppose they just think it's OK.
It's what I do.
But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself.
A little bit here, a little bit there Till I feel like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by vultures.
This was one of those weeks.
I had my escape planned.
I was coming for an evening of fun with my family.
But I get you four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day.
So I roll up my sleeves.
And I tend to each one of you, and you all feel better.
And the minute you get the whiff of mesquite coming from down below you are out the door without so much as a "thank you".
Well, thank you for the invitation, but I'm fed up with people and their problems.
The doctor is out.
Oh, come on.
- Apologies accepted.
- Great! So you'll come? No, no I love you all.
I really do.
But I want to be alone, right here, where no one needs anything from me.
- Well, all right.
- I'll bring you some barbecue.
Oh, my God.
It's dark out here.
Oh, for God's sake.
No, I'm not going to do it.