The King of Queens s02e24 Episode Script

Doug? What is that noise? It's just the smoke alarm.
Well, is the house on fire? Because I got a bunch of clothes I wanna save.
And my dad.
No, it's just the batteries are low.
It'll stop, go back to sleep.
It's not stopping.
All right, I'll check the batteries in the morning.
- Doug, I can't sleep with that.
- Just dream about a truck backing up.
Doug, fix it, okay? Come on, be the man for once.
- Hey, that bug was huge.
- Go.
All right.
You're not a middle-of-the-night person.
Not in the middle of the night, no.
You gotta pull on it.
I'm trying, okay.
It's on there pretty good.
- Well, then twist it.
- That's what I am doing.
There.
There.
Okay.
Wrong one.
I got them all down.
I'll change the batteries in the morning.
Thank you, honey.
Doug? What if there's a fire? Oh, God.
They're closing the bridge again.
Now I have to take that stupid Midtown Tunnel.
It's so creepy driving into that thing.
It smells like fish and exhaust, you know what I mean? Oh, by the way, don't forget to make that appointment with Dr.
Erlich, okay? Okay, how about one slurp for yes and two for no? What? I was listening.
Really? What did I just say? You said, "One slurp for yes, two for something or other.
" Come on, I heard you.
Dr.
Erlich, fish, exhaust.
I got the highlights.
That's Deac.
I gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait, before you go.
I'm going shopping after work.
Is chicken okay? Yeah, whatever.
More importantly, when you find yourself in the doughnut aisle And you will find yourself in the doughnut aisle.
These low-fat ones you bought: Okay, I'll see you later.
Doug.
I love you? Well, if you do, full-fat doughnuts.
Okay, good talking to you.
Good morning.
Hey, look at you, all spiffy.
Where are you off to? Darling, it seems a crime has been committed and I have been called upon to act as judge, jury and executioner.
Actually, not so much judge or executioner, just the other one.
You have jury duty? Give that girl a silver dollar.
Yes, I have jury duty.
I went down yesterday and I was lucky enough to be put on a case.
Oh, well, good for you, Dad.
What kind of case is it? Darling, please.
You're in the law game.
I'm surprised at you.
You should know I am under strict orders not to discuss the case with anyone.
Okay.
I was just making conversation.
Now, I'm gonna need you to throw out all the magazines, newspapers or books that pertain to the subject of armed robbery.
Damn it.
I really don't think he was hitting on me.
Oh, he was so hitting on you, Kim.
And he has for the last six months.
Give him something, will you? Flash him, anything.
But he's the newsstand guy.
Oh, and he doesn't need to love? Wow, what are these? You got flowers.
Oh, my God.
They're gorgeous.
Aren't they? Oh, look at this.
"Just because I love you.
" How sweet is my husband? I see someone went the extra mile last night.
No.
I guess Doug just felt like being a little sweetie.
Say he appreciates what a great wife I am, thank you very much.
That's right.
Got some flowers here.
That's right, keep walking, baby.
Oh, Carrie, hi.
I left those on your desk so I could get water for them.
What? You don't mind? Oh, no.
Yeah, sure, anytime.
- They're beautiful, aren't they? - Yes, they're very nice.
Can I have them? Yeah, yeah.
There you go.
There you go.
Oh, and here's the card.
- It's sweet, you'll like it.
- Thanks.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
That was hard to look at.
Yeah, yeah.
- We'll see you later, Car.
- Okay, okay, bye-bye.
The evidence in this case will overwhelmingly demonstrate the guilt of the defendant.
Now, you will hear testimony demonstrating that the gravel Boy, oh, boy.
This guy is guilty as sin.
Look at you, dressed in your nice suit.
As if that's fooling anybody.
You make me sick.
You're going to the big house if A.
Spooner has anything to say about it.
The defense will prove that Mr.
Shubert's fingerprints do not match those on the gun found on the loading dock.
Wait a minute.
His fingerprints weren't on the gun.
This is a witch hunt.
On the morning after the crime, the defendant made a deposit to his chequing account for $3,000.
Let's just fry this maggot and get it over with.
I'm thinking of getting an earring.
Why? People running out of reasons to beat you up? Hey, I'm serious.
I'm not Nothing gaudy, just a little stud.
Help with the ladies.
You know what'll help more? Not telling them how much you like jigsaw puzzles.
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey.
You know what, if you put your other foot up, then we could have all the muddy shoes on the coffee table.
Whoa, that had a little bite to it.
No, no, no, she was just joking around.
Never hurts to be sure, though.
So how was your day? What do you see here, Doug? I'm curious.
The kitchen.
With fixings.
- I was gonna put this stuff away.
- When, Doug? When? As soon as my guests leave.
If you haven't noticed, I'm entertaining.
Yeah, entertaining.
Four idiots who are comparing smells.
And by the way, Spence wins.
What the hell's going on? Why are you in such a bad mood? I am not in a bad mood.
You are in a bad mood, okay? What the hell is your problem? You wanna know what my problem is? I'll tell you.
Amy Samuels got flowers today.
And? Did she shove them up your? No! You wanna tell me who Amy Samuels is? She's a girl I work with and her husband sent her flowers today.
And? And they ended up on my desk and I thought they were from you and I went on and on about what a great guy you are.
So you're mad at me because someone, who I don't know, got flowers from her husband, who I also don't know.
I'm not mad at you, Doug.
It's just that a lot of people were standing around.
I looked like an idiot.
So am I in trouble or not? No, you're not in trouble, Doug.
And yet I am.
No, I mean, it's my own fault.
I should've known they weren't from you.
Whoa, what do you mean, you should've known? Well, you don't do stuff like that anymore.
What? Yes, I do.
Oh, really, Doug? When was the last time you sent me flowers for no reason? Okay, okay.
Good question.
Fair question.
A question that certainly deserves an answer.
What was the question again? The question was, when was the last time you sent me flowers for no reason? Last Valentine's Day.
Okay, first of all, it was Valentine's Day, so it wasn't for no reason.
And second of all, you didn't get me flowers.
Right, but then you got mad that I didn't get you flowers and then I got you flowers.
All right, Doug, let me show you something.
You might find it a little interesting.
New shoes? No, not new shoes.
This is all the little romantic stuff you sent me over the years.
Look at this.
Look, look.
The first rose petal pressed in a book.
Look, a matchbook from Peter Luger Steak House, huh? Oh, and do you remember this? - What is it? - You don't remember this? Remember, we were driving up to Monticello and I got carsick? So you bought me this little frog at the rest stop to make me feel better.
Remember, you named him Monty, short for Monticello? Oh, yeah, Monty.
I remember him.
Darling, do me a favour, please don't puke on the leather.
- God, I can't believe you saved him.
- Of course I saved him.
I love Monty.
I mean, look, Doug, look at all these cards you sent me for no reason.
Look at this one.
This is when we first met.
"Dear Carrie, I have trouble saying this face to face, but I think you're the sweetest, cutest, hottest, kindest, smartest, funniest, greatest girl I've ever known, and I could really see myself spending the rest of my life with you.
All my love, Doug Heffernan.
" Okay and fast-forwarding to the most recent card: "Happy belated birthday.
X-O, Doug.
" That one, I really didn't need to write a lot.
Hallmark nailed it.
Whatever.
Look, come on, Carrie, it's not fair.
You can't compare back then to now.
Every guy pours it on heavier in the beginning.
Because, you know, they're just trying to close the deal.
So you're saying all this stuff, "I love you", that was just to get in my pants? To get in your pants and stay in your pants.
Come on, why are you so upset? Carrie, I didn't do anything.
I know you didn't do anything, okay? And I didn't even mean to bring it up.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna go start dinner.
And a dozen tulips, some white dealies, a couple of those snapper-looking ones.
Get some sticks in there to bulk it up.
Don't skimp on the sticks.
Oh, man, what else? You got any of those big yellow ones that look like the sun? Sunflowers? That's it.
That's what they call them? Go with that.
I'll take a half-dozie of those.
Okay.
Would you like any balloons? Great idea.
You know what, I'll take all the balloons you got.
I have 1,100 of them.
Okay, then I'll take eight.
Very good.
Okay, will that be everything? - Is the parrot for sale? - No, he's mine.
Then that should just about do it.
Okay, just send it all to this address right there, okay? Hello.
Hello.
- Please don't do that.
- Sorry.
Hold it.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Thank you.
So as you can see, the DNA pattern depicted in the exhibit J matches that of the defendant.
If you look at the chart This is brutal.
How did I let myself get roped into this, anyway? Think of the paycheque, think paycheque.
I would like to submit the following documents into evidence.
If you'll take and mark these exhibits M through T.
My God, that stenographer types fast.
If I were to yell out something, I bet I could make it into the transcript.
Okay, on three I'm gonna yell: Remember the Alamo.
Okay, here goes.
One, two, three.
You coward.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What you got there? I got some chocolates, a pillow, some beautiful flowers and some balloons.
And who sent you that? My sweet and wonderful, thoughtful husband.
Thank you very much.
What happened to the "I love you" pillow? I basically had to kick it home from Manhattan.
Would you help me? Give me a hand.
- Yeah, sure, sure.
- Thank you.
Thanks so much.
And I'm gonna put the surviving flowers in water.
Okay.
You know, the yellow ones, they're called sunflowers.
Very nice.
So you like everything? Yes.
Are you gonna save a couple of those petals, put it in your shoebox? Or you wanna press them in a book? Should I get you a book? You want your book? Maybe I'll do it later, honey.
Okay.
But you do like everything? Okay, like I said a moment ago, I like everything very much.
Thank you.
- It didn't land.
- What do you mean? - You got her flowers, right? - Yeah and not just flowers.
I got her candy, balloons, a heart pillow.
It was like a romantic bomb exploded.
How do you know it didn't land? Because you just know when something lands.
You get a little neck nuzzle, or an upper-arm Squeeze.
All I got was this kind of tight little cold peck on the lips.
Like how? Show us on Spence.
Hey, shut up.
The man is sharing a real problem here.
And I, for one, am gonna try to help him.
You can relax, he paid for the food.
Oh, well, in that case, yawn.
You know what my problem is? I was too good, too early on.
I set the bar so high with the poems and the cards and that stupid frog.
Man, I wish I could go back in time and just tell myself to slow it down.
And lay off the butter.
Look, man, you did what you had to do to get her.
Yeah, I just, I think I could've gotten her with a lot less.
I don't think so.
You know what? Carrie's train's getting in in a couple of minutes.
I'm gonna go pick her up and surprise her.
Yeah.
I'm gonna take her someplace great.
I'm getting back in that shoebox.
This is great, huh? This is a real night to remember we got going here, huh? - Yes, very nice.
- Whoa, hey.
You walk much? I guess that's the problem when you're wearing 3-inch work heels on the boardwalk.
But it's great, isn't it? I pick you up at the train, whisk you down here for a little romantic surprise.
And for what reason, you ask? None.
That's great.
I just wish you would've whisked me home first so I could put on some flat shoes.
Look at that.
They got frogs.
They got frogs.
- You love frogs.
- Oh, yeah, frogs.
Maybe we'll get a little brother for Monty.
Doug, come here.
I know what you're doing, okay? - You don't have to do this.
- I'm not doing anything.
I'm just having a night out with my best girl.
- Doug - You're getting a frog.
Deal with it.
Okay? - Hey, how much? - Three bucks, three balls.
You gotta knock them all down with one throw.
All right, not a problem.
I played high school baseball.
And I was scouted a little.
And now you drive a truck.
Just give me the balls.
You might wanna watch where you stand.
These bottles could go anywhere.
Yeah, I'm fine here.
All right, then.
Here we go.
Okay, I see the problem right there.
They make the bottom ones heavier.
That's because the suckers, they don't know about that.
All right, here we go, here we go.
All right, here we go.
Turning up the gas.
Okay, okay.
Time to bring the heat.
You gotta throw the heat, man.
Hey, what do you say? Mustard.
Good try.
Let's go home.
You know what? Give me three more.
I hit that one straight on! Okay, Doug, come on, let's go home.
We had a very good night.
I wanna get home, put it in my diary while the memory's still hot.
- Come on.
- No, you are getting a frog, okay? Now, give me another 20.
Enough with the frogs already.
What is it with you? First you're upset that I'm not doing enough romantic stuff and now I'm being freaking Lorenzo Lamas here, and you're still giving me crap.
I'm sorry.
I just don't want you doing all this stuff for me.
- I thought you did.
- No, okay? I wanted you to do a few little romantic things because you wanted to.
Because you thought of it, not because I brought it up.
But you did bring it up.
And once you did, you locked me out.
And now I can't do anything romantic, because you brought it up.
- I know.
- Then why'd you bring it up? Because Amy Samuels got flowers and they were very nice and so was the card.
Could you two, maybe, step aside? I know there's nobody waiting in line, but this is getting really annoying.
Oh, well, here goes nothing.
Is that the pork? Yeah.
Thank you.
It's good.
Hey, honey.
Go like this for a second.
A little foo Yung, little foo Yung.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury Okay, finally the moment of truth.
Judgment day.
The fate of a man shall be decided by a jury of his peers.
The criminal justice system's finest hour.
Now I ask you to go back to the jury room and make your decision.
As for our alternate, Mr.
Spooner, you are free to go home.
- Thank you for your time.
- Thank you.