Big Bang Theory s03e01 Episode Script

NARRATOR: Previously on The Big Bang Theory: I'm going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.
-For three months? -Yes.
What did you mean when you said you were going to miss me? [SIGHS.]
It means I wish you weren't going.
Oh, thank God we're home.
I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.
It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.
I don't know what Arctic expedition you were on I thought it was a hoot and a half.
Oh, hi, Mom.
No.
I told you I'd call you when I got home.
I'm not home yet.
All right.
I'm home.
The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success.
I'm all but certain there's a Nobel Prize in my future.
Actually, I shouldn't say that.
I'm entirely certain.
No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety.
The fact that I'm home safe doesn't prove it worked.
That logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc.
No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.
-I'm gonna let Penny know we're back.
-Mother, I have to go.
Yeah, love you.
Bye.
Hello, old friend.
[SIGHS.]
Daddy's home.
Leonard, you're back.
Yeah, I just stopped by to say-- -Yeah, so hi.
-Hi.
Damn it, I should've gone over and told her we were back.
Yeah, it was first come, first serve.
I just want you both to know, when I publish my findings -I won't forget your contributions.
-Great.
I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech.
When I write my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote and perhaps a signed copy.
-We have to tell him.
-Tell me what? Damn his Vulcan hearing.
You are planning a party for me, aren't you? Okay, Sheldon, sit down.
If there's going to be a theme, I should let you know I don't care for luau, toga or under the sea.
Yeah.
We'll keep that in mind.
Look, we need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole.
If this is about the night the heat went out there's nothing to be embarrassed about.
-It's not about that.
-We agreed to never speak of it again.
So we slept together naked.
It was only to keep our core body temperatures from plummeting.
-He's speaking about it.
-For me it was a bonding moment.
Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything and you were acting like an obnoxious giant dictator? I thought we were gonna be gentle with him.
That's why I added the "tator.
" And when we finally got our first positive data you were so happy.
Oh, yes.
In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital D.
Well, ahem, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn't so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.
He just went colon, capital O.
-You tampered with my experiment? -We had to.
It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian.
You see that? I added the "ensian.
" Did Leonard know about this? Leonard's my best friend.
Surely Leonard didn't know.
-It was his idea.
-Of course it was.
The whole plan reeks of Leonard.
-I missed you so much.
-I missed you too.
-I couldn't think of anyone else.
-Me neither.
Except for one night when the heat went out.
Long story.
It's-- Don't ask.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
SHELDON: Leonard.
Leonard.
Leonard.
[WHISPERS.]
Do not make a sound.
SHELDON: Whispering, "Do not make a sound" is a sound.
Damn his Vulcan hearing.
Not a good time, Sheldon.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
SHELDON: Penny.
Penny.
Penny.
Ugh, this is ridiculous.
[LEONARD GROANS.]
-What? -Hello, Penny.
I realize you're currently at the mercy of your biological urges but as you have a lifetime of poor decisions ahead, may I interrupt this one? Great to see you too.
Come on in.
Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception.
Do you have anything to say? Yes, I feel terrible about it.
I will never forgive myself.
I don't expect you to.
I'd appreciate it if you'd leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance.
Can someone tell me what's going on here? What's going on is I was led to believe I was making strides in science when in fact I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy.
Is that true? -It was the only way to make him happy.
-Why'd you have to make him happy? Because when he wasn't happy we wanted to kill him.
That was even a plan.
We were going to throw his Kindle outside.
And when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.
-That seems like a bit of an overreaction.
-No.
The overreaction was to tie your limbs to four different sled-dog teams and yell, "Mush!" Look, we kept the original data.
You can still publish the actual results.
Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful.
I sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining I confirmed string theory and forever changed man's understanding of the universe.
Oh.
See, yeah, you probably shouldn't have done that.
So write another e-mail.
Set the record straight.
It's no big deal.
You're right, Leonard.
That's not a big deal.
All you did was lie to me, destroy my dream and humiliate me in front of the whole university.
That, FYI, was sarcasm.
I, in fact, believe it is a big deal.
-Oh.
That poor thing.
-Yeah, I feel terrible.
Wait.
Aren't you gonna go talk to him? Well, I-- He'll be fine.
The guy's a trouper.
Come here.
No, no, you're right.
You shouldn't talk to him.
I will.
Man, I cannot catch a break.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
-Hey.
Do you wanna talk? -About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn't even get to go to Comic-Con.
[SOBBING.]
Oh, hon-- [SINGING.]
Soft kitty, warm kitty That's for when I'm sick.
Sad is not sick.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't know your sad song.
I don't have a sad song.
I'm not a child.
Well, you know, I do understand what you're going through.
Really? Did you have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you? Well, no.
But, uh, when I was in high school, one of my friends heard I was gonna be named head cheerleader.
I was so excited.
My mom even made me a celebration pie.
Then they named stupid Valerie Mosbacher head cheerleader.
Big old slutbag.
Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize? Well, they're pretty tasty.
And on a different but not unrelated topic based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader? Look, I just don't think that the guys and Leonard really meant to hurt you.
They just told an unfortunate lie to deal with a difficult situation.
You know what it's like? Remember the new Star Trek movie? Kirk has to take over the ship so he tells Spock stuff he knew wasn't true.
Like saying Spock didn't care his mom died.
I missed Comic-Con and the new Star Trek movie? [SOBBING.]
-I like the new look.
-Thanks.
I call it the Clooney.
I call it the Mario and Luigi, but whatever.
[LEONARD CHUCKLES.]
Hey, how's Sheldon doing? He came out of his room wearing his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me to death with the Force, so I'd say a little better.
If I may abruptly change the subject, did you and Penny finally? You know.
-Howard.
-I don't care but my genitals wanted me to ask.
Tell your genitals what I do with Penny is none of their business.
He says they didn't do it.
Sheldon, over here.
[CHOKING.]
What are you doing? Well, I feel bad for the guy.
Sheldon, why are you sitting by yourself? Because I am without friends.
Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone.
Even while seated.
Come on.
We said we were sorry.
It's going to take more than an "I'm sorry" and an apology pie from Penny to make up for what you've done to me.
Hey, Cooper.
Read your retraction e-mail.
Way to destroy your reputation.
You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.
It's not true.
People have been pointing and laughing at you your whole life.
All right, I've had enough.
Attention, everyone.
I'm Dr.
Sheldon Cooper.
As many of you in the Physics Department know my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.
Off a cliff.
-My credibility may have been damaged.
-Completely wrecked.
But I would like to remind you that in science there's no such thing as failure.
There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career.
That man's name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.
Yeah, but research into dark energy proved Einstein's cosmological constant was actually right all along.
So you're still, surprise, surprise, a loser.
Oh, you think you're so clever.
Well, let me just tell you.
While I do not currently have a retort check your e-mail periodically for a doozy.
So much for our friendship with Sheldon.
Well, we'll always have the night the heat went out.
-Hi.
-Hey.
Since we got interrupted last night, I didn't have a chance to give you this.
Aw, Leonard.
You shouldn't have.
Oh, boy.
Ha, ha.
What is it? It's a snowflake from the North Pole.
-Are you serious? -Uh-huh.
It'll last forever.
I preserved it in a God, that's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me that I didn't understand.
It's actually a pretty simple process.
You see, cyanoacrylates are monomers, which polymerize-- Red alert.
Leonard, Sheldon ran away.
Man, I cannot catch a break.
So how do you know he ran away? I mean, he's not answering his phone, he handed in his resignation and he sent me a text that said, "I'm running away.
" Okay.
Thanks for letting me know.
Well-- Leonard.
Aren't you gonna do something? Well, of course I'm gonna do something.
Uh, Howard, check the comic-book store.
Raj, go to the Thai restaurant.
I'll stay with Penny in her apartment.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, damn it.
It's Sheldon's mother.
A break cannot be caught.
Hi, Mrs.
Cooper.
He is? Sheldon went home to Texas.
Yeah-- No, I know he resigned.
Yes, I guess it kind of is our fault.
No, no.
You're right.
Someone needs to come talk to him.
Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
Yeah.
All right.
New plan.
Howard, you and Raj go to Texas, I'll stay with Penny in her apartment.
-You're not gonna go with them? -Well, you know I gave you the snowflake, and we were kissing, and-- Come on.
I don't wanna go to Texas.
Oh, right.
And I do? My people already crossed the desert once.
We're done.
Trust me, you'll be fine.
See you.
Well, wait a second, Leonard.
Come on.
How can you not go? -He's your best friend.
-But I already saw him naked.
-Just come here.
PENNY: No.
I promise I will be here when you get back.
Just go help Sheldon.
-Really? -Yeah.
We waited a few months.
We can wait a few more days.
Maybe you can.
Go.
Boy, you cannot catch a break, can you? -Here you go, Shelly.
-Thanks, Mom.
Yeah.
Hold your horses, young man.
Here in Texas, we pray before we eat.
Oh, Mom.
This is not California, land of the heathen.
Give me.
By his hand we are all-- Fed.
-Give us, Lord, our daily-- -Bread.
-Please know that we are truly-- -Grateful.
-For every cup and every-- -Plateful.
Amen.
Now, that wasn't so hard, was it? My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.
Whatever.
Jesus still loves you.
Thank you for carving a smiley face in my sandwich.
I know how to take care of my baby.
His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he's Chinese.
So do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends? -They're not my friends.
-All right.
[MARY CHUCKLES.]
If you recall, when you were little we sat right here at this very spot and talked about the problems you had getting along with the neighbor kids.
That was different.
They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me.
Oh, baby, they knew very well why they hated you.
I can't believe you bought a red cowboy hat.
Hello? I'm wearing a red turtleneck.
Plus it was the only boys' large they had.
I'm sorry.
This does not look like Texas.
Where's the tumbleweeds? -Where's the saloons? -Saloons? Like in the movies I saw growing up.
You know, uh, 4 for Texas, Yellow Rose of Texas.
This neighborhood is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
I was really hoping to see a cattle drive.
What can I tell you? They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass Costco over there.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Will you please take that stupid hat off? No, I wanna blend in.
To what? Toy Story? Hi, boys.
-Howdy, ma'am.
-Howdy to you too.
You got here quick.
-We took the redeye.
-Come on in.
Thank you kindly.
-Can I get you something to drink? -No, thank you.
If y'all don't mind, I got a hankering for a Lone Star Beer.
There's no alcohol in this household, stop talking like that and lose the hat.
Sorry.
I'll take a diet Yoo-hoo if you have it.
You'll take a cola.
What about you? Raj, is it? Oh, you still having trouble talking to the ladies? Ha-ha-ha.
Because, you know, at our church we have a woman who's an amazing healer.
Mostly she does crutch and wheelchair people but I bet she'd be willing to take a shot at whatever Third-World demon is running around inside of you.
If you don't mind, there's a 3:05 nonstop back to Los Angeles and you have no idea how much I wanna be on it.
-A girl? -Uh, yes, ma'am.
Oh, good.
I've been praying for you.
Oh, Sheldon.
What are they doing here? -We came to apologize.
-Again.
And bring you home.
Pack up your stuff and we'll head back.
No.
This is my home now.
Thanks to you, my career is over.
I will spend the rest of my life here trying to teach evolution to creationists.
You watch your mouth, Shelly.
Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
And that is your opinion.
I forgive you, let's go home.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.
How about that? Finally caught a break.
Uh-huh.
[PENNY CHUCKLES.]
You know how they say when friends have sex it can get weird? Sure.
-Why does it have to get weird? -Pbbt.
I don't know.
I mean, we were friends and now we're more than friends.
And we're whatever this is.
But why label it, right? I mean-- It is what it is and-- -Leonard? -Yeah? -It's weird.
-Totally.