Cheers s03e01 Episode Script

REBOUND Hey, everybody.
I'm back from my Florida vacation.
Good to be home, back with the old gang.
Hey, how you been, pal? Glad to, buddy.
Look at that.
Here's the old bar.
It hasn't changed a bit.
Hey, you're back! Good to see you.
- It's good to be back.
- Oh, it's you.
From behind you looked like a friend of mine.
Hey, you kidder.
I'll get you for that.
- So, hi, Coach.
- Hi, Cliffie.
Boy, did I have a spectacular time basking up the old Florida sunshine.
I'll tell you.
I really got my head screwed on straight, too.
That experience changed me.
I'm now at one with the cosmos.
No more getting caught up At one with the cosmos, Coach.
No more getting caught up in the irritations of day-to-day life I'm just the kinda guy Yeah, I stood on many a wind-swept beach and felt a oneness felt a Anybody want a Mai Tai? Mai Tai, Cliff! Look! You get it? Mai Tai, Cliffie! - Good afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! Beer, Normie? You know how to make it sound tempting, you fast talker! - Guess who, buddy.
- Hey, Cliffie.
Missed you the last couple of days.
- I've been gone two weeks.
- I know.
Oh, God, I missed this guy! Norm, how's Vera? Any luck getting her in the family way yet? - Still working on it.
- Hey, Norm, you want a kid? Not really.
I'm just kinda going along with it to shut Vera up.
She wants to start a family to have something to do.
Poor Norm's been shooting blanks for the last couple of months.
Little louder.
We'll dance to it.
Don't worry, Normie.
You'll be planting your seed before you know it.
I hope so.
The doc says if something doesn't happen soon, we may have to take a drastic step.
- You mean - Sleep together.
- Our prayers are with you.
- Thank you.
Coach, how's Sammy been since I've been away? Just about the same, Cliffie.
Terrible.
You should've seen him the other night.
He walks in with this lady librarian.
She's off-duty, right? They both have a snootful.
- The lady librarian's got - Hey, gang! Never mind.
My story's obsolete.
- Coach? - Yeah.
- This is my bar, isn't it? - Yeah, it sure is, Sam.
I told you I owned a bar.
I like it, Sam.
It's not much.
But then again, I am.
Hey, Sammy? I think you got one over the legal limit there.
Hey, Cliffie's back! How was your vacation? My vacation.
You remembered? - Atlantic City, right? - Yeah, it was terrific.
Thanks a lot.
What branch of the service are these young ladies in? I stole them off the front of a parade last night, Coach.
At this very moment there are 26 tuba players marching right into the river.
Show them your stuff, girls.
God, I love it! Excuse me, Sam.
While you're waiting for runway clearance do you mind taking a look at this? This is a piece of paper, isn't it? And those are words.
- This is a letter or something.
- It is Joanne's resignation.
Hey, girls, take a break and give your dimples a rest.
- What? - We lost another waitress.
She found out she wasn't the only girl in your life.
Nonsense, Carla.
She's been listening to vicious rumours.
Sammy, this means that I have to work alone again.
We can't keep a waitress because you keep breaking their hearts.
Well, obviously I need a good talking to.
Sammy, this is serious! We've had eight waitresses in six months.
Bet I can remember all their names.
Dee Dee, Carlene, Angela, Sneezy, Dopey, Donner and Blitzen.
OK, girls, yo! Step right this way, ladies.
It's time for the half-time show at the Sammy-dome.
Here you go, step lively! Poor Sam.
Yeah, my heart bleeds for him.
Sure, Cliffie, he looks like he's having fun, but this is just the first stage.
He's going to end up drinking himself senseless.
He's turning into a real jerk.
Spends his time boozing and loving and leaving waitresses.
I wonder what set him off.
Suppose it might have been Dia Diabetes! You were going to say that name? - I wasn't.
- You know my rule.
- But I didn't say it.
- I don't even want you to think it.
Use that name and I will give you a sunroof.
What difference does it make how it started? The important thing is can we do anything to stop him? If we can't, can we join him? If we can't join him, do you think he'd let me watch? Cheers.
Yeah, he's here.
I'll give him the message.
Normie, it's Vera.
She says to hurry home.
Her cycle is at its peak.
Again? Her cycle has more peaks than the Adirondacks.
All systems are go there, big fella.
Even Secretariat got to wait till he was in the mood once in a while.
Poor Coach! After all you went through with Sam, seeing him right back where he was.
Really, Carla, it's eating me up.
I'm so desperate I feel like I'm going to do something crazy.
I am going to do something crazy! - Wait.
What are you going to do? - I know exactly what Sam needs.
- Coach, your apron! - He's got an apron! - Just put them down there.
- Thank you, Miss.
Now I know why I became a chauffeur instead of a longshoreman.
I would have been 72 on my next birthday.
I appreciate your bringing me home, Boggs.
Your mother and I felt strongly that the first face one should encounter on leaving a place like that should be a friendly one.
Why didn't she ever visit me there? She wanted to visit you, Miss Diane, but you know how uncomfortable she is around psychiatrists.
She could have written me a letter.
And let them see her handwriting? Boggs, that's insane.
As your mother would say, "Let's see them prove it in court.
" Which reminds me, I should be getting back.
- Thanks again for driving me home.
- It's my pleasure.
It's so nice to see you happy again.
Boggs, I think I'm as happy as I've ever been.
I have a new life.
All these wonderful things have happened to me.
I'm better now.
Miss? I'm fine, Boggs.
I was just a little startled.
- It's a perfectly normal reaction.
- Perfectly.
- Who is it? - It's Ernie Pantusso.
Coach? What do you want? I have to talk to you.
It's important.
Coach, you're a dear man and I love you and I've missed you, but you're part of a period of my life that I want to see fade into memory.
Do you understand, Coach? Western Union.
This is a man I could never resist.
- How have you been? - Fine.
And you? - I'm OK, thank you.
- Sorry I had to fool you that way.
Perhaps I should be taking this opportunity to be going along.
Say hello to Mummy.
Why don't you have her call me? You know how she feels about telephones.
Well, tell her to write.
Or, I'll write.
Or maybe we'll just run into each other sometime.
Nothing would please her more.
Goodbye.
How many pairs of socks has a guy like that got? I have no idea.
Can I get you something? I don't know what I've got.
I've been away several months at a sana vacation.
You didn't run into Cliffie, did you? No.
Did he have a nervous vacation, too? Oh, he's a wreck.
Listen, Diane, have you thought about stopping by and saying hello to everybody? Coach, that wouldn't be a good idea.
Why? Does anyone there ask about me? No, that Carla won't let them.
Diane, I want you to come back to Cheers and have a talk with Sam.
Talk with S Yes, it's very important.
Maybe S Maybe the bartender there didn't tell you about our last conversation, but it ended in wrath and acrimony.
I vowed never to return to Cheers.
Let's be clear, nothing in heaven or hell will ever get me back there.
Diane, you might be my last chance.
Sam's boozing again.
Oh, dear.
Poor S Poor, dear S Am! Well, I'm back.
- What'll it be, Normie? - A transfusion with a head on it.
Norm, are you sure you want to have a kid? Once the monster comes along, your whole life will be different.
You've had kids.
Does a baby change you? Are you kidding, Normie? It can't even change itself.
Well, I'll have to remember that.
- What day is it? - Friday.
That's it.
Good night, everybody.
- Sam, please! You can't leave.
- Why not? A friend of yours is dropping by, and I promised you'd be here.
Great! One of my old buds? - I smell high times coming.
- Actually it's an old girlfriend.
Better still.
Hope it's one of the wild ones.
But then, weren't they all? - No, they weren't all wild.
- Hold it right there, Coach! If you are talking about the stick, I'll pull your lower lip over your head like a cabbage leaf.
Cut it out, Carla.
Diane's not coming back here.
- She said she's not coming back.
- Well, she might.
- What makes you say that? - I asked her.
- What the hell did you do that for? - Please listen to her.
- Promise me.
- I know what this is all about.
It's this drinking crap, isn't it? I'm drinking because I like it, because it tastes good, and because I want to.
I don't want to see Diane Chambers.
You're going to have to see her because she'll be here any second now! God! We are all sitting around here like we're at the Queen's Tea and that thing is on its way.
In fact, it's very close.
I can sense it.
It's here! And it's going to walk in and say something.
Stay out of this, Carla.
Hello Sam.
Hi there.
Did you forget something? I dropped in to see how you're doing.
I just got back from Florida, Diane.
Everybody's fine.
You're looking good.
- Thank you.
How are you doing? - I've never been better.
For God's sakes, will you stop it, Sam? You've been boozing with two hands ever since Diane walked out on you.
- Sam, I'm so sorry.
- You're both crazier than hell! I threw her out of here and my drinking has got nothing to do with Diane Chambers.
You hear that? - Nothing! - No, you're all wrong.
Sorry! I did start drinking when she left.
I was celebrating.
Celebrating the day I got rid of you.
You hear? Celebrating! I'll tell you something.
I have two birthdays now.
One for when my mother bore me, and one to commemorate my glorious rebirth when I left here.
Just once more.
You did not walk out, I kicked you out.
I'd do it again, except no man deserves that much pleasure in one life.
Your brain could find shelter in the shade of a snow pea.
Don't, Sam! Please.
I didn't come here to fight with you.
I came here to help.
Well, I've never been happier in my entire life.
You're going to help me out of all my happiness? - You're the one person who could do it.
- No.
I want you to see a friend of mine.
He's a man I met recently at a sana vacation.
She's been locked up in a mental home for three months.
I was not locked up.
I could come and go at will.
Besides, it's not true.
- And how did you know about it? - I got a cousin who's a private dick.
I wanted to find out if you were really gone.
And you were really gone! I entered Golden Brook of my own volition for a little rest, relaxation What are you laughing at? Well, I've had women get depressed when they left me, but I've never had one that went Charm like yours is a hard thing to live without all right.
It had nothing to do with you, Sam.
After I left here, I decided I needed to regroup.
I needed to take a good look at myself.
Shock treatment.
Carla, let's help Sam first.
And when the psychiatric profession has gained confidence from that triumph, we'll put them all on your case.
- Will you please meet this man? - Come on, Diane.
Look Yeah, I'm drinking again, but it's not the same thing.
This time it's good-time controlled drinking.
Before it was negative.
Now it's fun.
- It won't kill you to talk to the guy.
- Coach, it's a waste of time.
Am I right, Carla? - See what her friend has to say.
- Oh, come on - You listening to this, guys? - Sammy, you're my friend, right? Don't get defensive, but maybe you are drinking too much.
- Well, so are you.
- I already have a mother, lush face.
Sorry, I just think maybe you ought to hear the guy out.
Sammy, the way I see it is it can't do any harm and psychiatry has come a long way since "The Snake Pit" age.
Sam, they're all trying to tell you you need help.
I know what they're saying and why.
Coach here's gotten them all to gang up on me.
When you try to be a fun-loving drunk, you find out who your friends are.
OK, fine, forget it.
Drink all you want.
I know the reason why you're doing it.
What are you talking about? You're afraid that I'm right about you and the doctor.
You can't stand admitting I'm right about anything.
Wrong again! You're scared, Sam.
If I see this guy and he tells me that I'm happy and well-adjusted, which he will, if the quack has a brain, would you all please leave me alone? - Of course.
Won't we? - Yeah, sure.
OK, fine.
Tell him to drop by.
I'll try to fit him in between dames.
Why don't you say hello to him now? I'm Dr Frasier Crane.
Sorry I startled you.
This is weird.
Diane said you're open-minded and would be responsive, so I dropped by a little early.
- She said that? - She says lots of nice things about you.
Really? So what say we go somewhere and have a cup of coffee and get to know each other? OK.
Fine.
A few cups of Irish coffee and a chat it is.
Mind if I freshen up a bit? - Fine.
- Thank you, Sam.
Boy, you sure are back in here for somebody who said they were never coming back in here.
Human beings change, Sam.
I've changed.
So can you.
Rest assured, I'm only visiting.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you just called me human for the first time.
I guess I just needed a little time to think about it.
- I knew it.
- What? Are you kidding? Don't you see she's nuts about me? Her young Doctor Killjoy there is just her way of saving face to get back in the bar.
- I don't know, Sam.
- I know the look.
She's in love.
- I have to run.
- Diane, you're remarkable, to help a man who's caused you so much grief.
I'm free of it now, Frasier.
I'm free of so many things now that I've fallen in love with you.
I am the luckiest person on earth.
The second luckiest.
Not here, Diane.
Of course.
I get carried away.
- I understand.
- That's why I love you.
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