Family Guy s03e01 Episode Script

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy (sighs) I'm in a rut.
|Nothing thrills me any more.
I can't even think of a reason to|get off the bed in the morning.
- Really?|- My life is so pathetic.
I've seen that Behind the Music|with Leif Garrett 18 times.
- Hey, Leif.
It's been a while.
|- Too long, man.
I'm so sorry about everything, man.
I'm so Ready for a bombshell? You saved my life.
But but I was driving.
I I was on a road to destruction, man.
The|accident may have crippled me, but I'm alive.
Can we turn off the cameras, dude? It's it's like I'm, I don't know,|trapped in my own life.
Well, Brian, you may be too inwardly|focused.
Try thinking about others.
|Why don't you do some volunteer work? That makes sense.
|Volunteer work.
Thanks, Bruce.
You still have 13 more minutes.
Oh.
Do I? Hm.
I, uh, I notice you got a new receptionist.
|Nice little body on her, huh? That's my daughter.
We could probably call this an early day,|huh? Attention, everyone.
Due to several complaints and|two deaths related to worker fatigue, I have decided to throw|a company picnic this Saturday.
- How you gettin' to the picnic?|- I don't know.
I don't have a ride.
Hey, John, you got a two-seater.
Hey, Derek,|maybe you go with John, huh? Huh? For the last time, I'm not gay.
- Thanks anyway.
|- We'll get him.
Here.
Right this way.
Watch your step.
OK.
They're in the woods.
The camera keeps on moving.
Uh, I think they're lookin' for some witch or|something.
I don't know.
I wasn't listening.
Nothing's happening.
Nothing's happening.
Something about a map.
Nothing's happening.
It's over.
A lot of people|in the audience look pissed.
Now, remember, Chris, we have to|work together so that our steps - (Meg screams)|- (Chris laughs) This is my favourite event:|Catch the greased-up deaf guy.
Go! You're never gonna catch me!|You're wastin' your time! Forget about it! Go do somethin' else! See y'all next year! - King me.
|- I don't want to play any more.
The pain.
I can't live like this, Brian.
I need you to pull the plug.
I-I can't.
I Be my angel and set me free.
Please.
Oh, my God! You were really gonna do it! I But You Nurse! This dog is trying to kill me! Nurse! You are twisted, lady.
You hear me?|You are screwed up in the head.
The winner of our final contest|will receive a very special prize.
- A week's paid vacation!|- (cheering) Did you hear that? Oh, God,|please let it be a fart contest.
These are tranquilliser darts.
I have enough here to take down|Robert Downey Jr.
(laughs) - Robert Downey|- (groaning) The last one left standing wins.
|Let the game begin.
- All right!|- Run for your life, Peter! Look at him.
He runs like a Welshman.
Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman? - Hey, Brian.
|- Hi, Joe.
(sniffs) Bonnie making chicken Marsala? No.
She made that three nights ago.
|Wow! That's some nose you've got! Yeah.
One time it almost|got me a spokesman deal.
"Follow your nose.
"|"Follow your nose.
" "Follow your nose.
" (laughs) Oh, I'm sorry.
No, that was good.
I-I just didn't think you were|gonna go so cartoony with it.
- How would you read it?|- Oh, I don't know.
I was thinkin' of doin' it, you know, good.
|Like an actor.
But your way's good too.
We could use a nose like that at the precinct.
Really? I guess it's just down to you and me, Peter.
|One of us is gonna win that paid vacation.
I don't wanna feed Grandma bacon|while she's in the bathtub.
Peter, are you OK? Mr Weed, I think Peter needs a doc We have a winner! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
No drugs.
She's good.
He's clean.
That's it, except for the flight crew.
Hey, Brian.
What's with|the Johnny Law routine? Say hello to our newest narc.
He's a natural.
- Oh, yeah? How good are you?|- (sniffs) You're back from Manila.
You ate lumpia,|then you made love to two Filipino women.
- And a man.
|- You mean three Filipino women.
No-o-o-o-o! (sniffs) Wait a second.
Got something.
This could be the real deal, boys.
Let's do it! (" theme from "CHiPs") Don't move, dirtbag! (inhales deeply) It's coke! Yes! All right! We got 'em! This is|great.
This is the rush I've been lookin' for.
Good work, Brian.
|Uh, you still got a little, uh Oh.
Oh, thanks.
(inhales) Where shall we go for your week off? We could all go to Purgatory|like we did last year.
This isn't bad.
It's not that good,|but it's not that bad.
- It's so-so.
|- Yeah.
More or less.
Hey, Brian.
If cops are pigs,|does that make you a schnozage? (laughs) - Did you stay up all night writing that?|- I got to bed around 2.
30.
You know the street value of that cocaine? Let's see.
Four and a half kilos|uncut Nicaraguan.
1.
7 mil, that area? Uh, yeah.
That's that's that's right.
You guys, Brian's famous! - You're a hero!|- (Peter) Way to go! Oh, come on, stop it, you guys.
It's nothing.
|(sniffs) Oh, Lois, your toast is ready.
Wow! Oh, my! - Uh, Meg's using a new conditioner.
|- He's right! That's amazing! - Time to change Stewie.
|- Preposterous.
I haven't There it is.
All right! Stop the car.
Over there.
- Everybody freeze! This is a bust!|- (all gasp) Brian, this is a Sunday-school class.
The hell it is.
Pure Bogotá bullion.
|This is a drug ring.
- But these are just kids.
|- Oh, yeah? What's your name? - (deep voice) Ricky.
|- They're not kids.
They're midgets.
Filthy drug-peddling midgets.
(Joe) Oh, my God! Look out, Brian! - Nice work!|- You're a credit to the force.
Additional generic cop compliment, Brian.
Thanks.
But the real hero here is God|for blessing me with this nose.
And a few other equally amazing|appendages.
(knowing chuckles) - I better take this cocaine down to Evidence.
|- Oh, I'll I'll do that.
I'll catch up with you guys at the pub.
So it's settled.
We're takin'|a cruise to the Bahamas.
Ah, this is gonna be great.
And look.
It says we have our|choice of cabins - port or starboard.
Ha! Listen to me!|I sound like an old salt! (laughs) (laughs sarcastically) I must say, I've always|dreamed of a life at sea.
(music in the style of "HMS Pinafore"|by Gilbert and Sullivan) "I'm the greatest captain of the Queen's Navy "And your record will stand as proof "Be it galley or freighter,|I'm an expert navigator "And you're also a world-class poof "My manner, quite effete, is mistaken on the|street for a sailor who can pirouette on cue "Well, despite your point of view|I can thrill a girl or two "But I'd rather get it on with you Ha-ha-ha! (door closes) Sorry to be tardy to the party.
Wow, Brian! Have you lost weight?|You gotta tell me your secret.
Here's a hint - put down the fork! Face! So, how was your day? Un-freakin'-believable.
First we|nailed a bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll.
|Her doll! (inhales deeply) Where's the line any more? I got news for ya.
|It-it's not even on the radar screen.
The days of decency|and virtue are gone.
Bam! Freakin' evaporated like a dingy, stinkin' mud|puddle.
One day you see your reflection in it, and the next day it's a damn oil spot|on your cracked driveway staring back at you, mocking you.
|Blah! Blah! Blah! Knowin' the perverted truths that rot in the pit|of your soul.
That's how my freakin' day was.
You know what I haven't had in a while?|Big League Chew.
(bell rings) So take it from me - McGriffin, the drug dog.
If you really wanna get high,|it's as easy as being yourself.
Well, kids, I'm gonna pass things off now to|Gerald, the happy and abstinent police clown.
Hey, kids! You know why I'm happy? Cos I'm free of S T Ds! - That McGriffin guy was so cool!|- Totally.
I'm never doing drugs now.
Ahhhhh.
Got milk? (laughs hysterically) Before you go on a cruise,|you gotta build up a base tan.
But I heard that if you use tanning beds,|you could get something called melanoma.
Oh, that's just fancy talk|for sexified.
Now, climb in.
- Hey, what kinda tanning booth is this?|- Those aren't tanning booths.
- That row is time machines.
|- Oh, crap! Where the hell is he? Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days, and there's|a whole stadium of people clappin' for me.
Oh, look, my very own lion! Oh, my God! Must've got the wrong hat.
And now, here's something|we hope you'll really like.
There's no smokin' in the terminal.
There's worse things than nicotine.
|And I'm gonna find 'em.
(Irish accent) Patience.
It took St Patrick more|than a day to clear the Emerald Isle of snakes.
- Can the Irish crap, will you, Horowicz?|- (drops accent) OK.
- Open it!|- Agh! Let me go! - Help! Help!|- (sniffs) Where's the stash? I'll do|a freakin' body-cavity search.
- Argh! Argh!|- Sir, we apologise.
There's no easy way to say this.
|You have a drug problem.
A drug problem? What's this really about?|Jealousy? Am I stealin' your thunder? - Give me your badge.
|- Fine! By the way, Horowicz, you should|show Joe your impression of him.
Oh, well It's not as good as my|Irish cop.
It's just a little thing I "I'm Joe! My legs don't work, but I make up|for it by having a very strong upper body.
" (laughs) Well, I do say that.
The Old Man and the Sea.
I see you're|gettin' in the mood for our cruise.
Yeah.
Stupid fisherman.
Sittin' out there|on a boat yammerin' to himself.
He doesn't even know I'm watching him.
(door opens) Ah, splendid.
Fido McCoke-Fiend is home.
- Everybody, this is Tina.
|- What happened to you? Less questions and more shut-the-hell-up.
Just because you can't feel your teeth|doesn't mean the girl can't feel your insults.
Hello.
I'm Lois Griffin.
Welcome to our home.
So, what? She's, like,|your mom or somethin'? - (laughs hysterically)|- (laughs) Tina, can I get you a warm washcloth to|wipe the dried blood from under your nose? - Here's the channel Lois doesn't know about.
|- Chris, look away! Meg, take Stewie upstairs.
Wait.
That man seems to have|suffered a serious snakebite.
Brian, would you please ask|your new friend to leave now? Oh, sorry.
Things gettin'|too real for the Stepford wife? And look at you two - Quasimodo and|Lumpy.
I leave more personality in|tightly-coiled piles on the lawn.
Oh, do me! Do me next! Come on, baby girl.
Let's go to the park.
(door opens) - Hey, Doc.
What are you doing here?|- Your family has something to say.
Brian, I know I don't speak up much, and it's really hard for me to|talk about my feelings, but Let's start with someone|more interesting.
Peter? (clears throat) Ever since your addiction,|you've been a jerk.
I miss the old days|when you were my sidekick.
Uh so she hated my tie until I told her it was|made out of 100 per cent Buttafuco fibre.
(audience laughs) Uh, yeah, yeah.
Uh yeah.
Yeah.
Eeh.
Yeah.
Brian, how about a little tie music? "Peter's tie, Peter's tie "That's because Peter's the guy! - All right.
That's it.
A little tie music.
|- (audience laughs and applauds) Heh-hee! Yeah! Look, you-you guys got it|all wrong.
I-I-I I wa Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone! Oh, God, I need help! I guess now we know what kind of dog he is.
A melan-collie.
(laughs) Nothing? Oh, wait, wait, wait.
|I should have said "Chi-wah-wah".
I don't have to (bleep) impress you.
Look, I'm not insensitive, Lois.
But why do we have to cancel our cruise|just cos the dog's a cokehead? We're not going on vacation while Brian's|in rehab.
We'll just have to wait till next year.
Aw, man! I'll make it up to you.
|My cousin works at Club Med.
(sings "Hot Hot Hot" by Arrow) Holy crap! Look at this place.
This is where God would come|if he had to stop doin' blow.
- They have tennis courts!|- And a full spa! Wow! No wonder people do drugs! Good luck, Brian.
I just know|you're gonna get clean.
Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with|all these mineral baths and jacuzzis.
Oh, I see.
The fat man makes a pun|and everyone wets themselves.
I give you gold and I get squat.
|I'll be in the car.
That was a very productive first day, Brian.
Our goal here is to find your X factor - the element in your life|that made you turn to drugs.
Just having some time away to sort things|out is gonna do wonders.
Thanks, Doctor.
What are you doing here? I'm on vacation.
Oh, and if|anyone asks, I'm also on smack.
Peter, this is a detox clinic.
|You can't vacation here.
Why not? This place is|way better than a cruise.
I whipped this speedfreak's ass|at horseshoes today.
This isn't a vacation for me.
|I'm tryin' to get healthy.
Yeah, OK.
All right.
Hey, softball this afternoon.
Us addicts are takin' on the pregnant|teenagers from across the lake.
OK, come on, everyone.
Exercise|is an important part of recovery.
Just work with the resistance of the water.
|Ten more reps.
And one.
And two.
And three.
Yeah! I'm also addicted to boobies! (laughs) Trade you this for your cupcake.
What? It was just Carpet Fresh.
|I'm on your side.
I've been observing your behaviour.
I don't|think you're an addict.
I think you're an idiot.
Well, I don't pay you to think, hot lips.
|In fact, I don't pay you at all.
Count it.
I'll be keeping my eye on you.
|What's your name? Uh, my-my name? Uh Uh uh uh Pea uh uh uh Tear uh Uh Griffin.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Peter Griffin.
Oh, crap.
I was lookin' for you.
You wanna go mess|with the pregnant teens across the lake? I can't.
Group therapy.
I saw one of those - more borin' than when|I was a security guard for George Harrison.
(Peter sings along to|theme from "Charles in Charge") (glass smashes, thud) Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! Quiet down up there! You wacky Beatle.
I have made a lot of progress lately.
Missing|one session wouldn't be the end of the world.
There you go.
- What do you think they put in the bug juice?|- Bugs? No, they don't! Come on.
(uncertainly) Shut up.
(girls scream, popping sounds, babies cry) I hope you're proud of yourselves.
|14 premature births.
Sorry.
I don't usually let Peter|talk me into this kinda stuff.
You have a pre-existing relationship|with this degenerate? A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a fastizio.
See? I can make up words too, sister.
- Well, I think we've found your X factor.
|- You mean Peter? His behaviour is a negative influence on you.
|With your intelligence and sensitivity Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
|I made my own mistakes.
All right? This man took me into his home|and treated me like family.
- He's my best friend.
|- And look where you've ended up.
You know, I think my therapy|here is complete.
I came here to get clean|and I did.
So goodbye.
Brian, it's moments like this that make me|sad you're gonna die 50 years before I do.
"He was all coked up and we were choked up "But now we're happy Brian's home,|cha-cha-cha! I am serious, Lois.
|You could be in show business.
- Hey, Meg.
18 yet?|- No.
- Chris, how are ya?|- I'm glad All right! Brian, I feel guilty.
If not for me,|you wouldn't have been exposed to that junk.
Joe, if I've learned anything|from my experience, it's that we're all responsible|for our own destiny.
- And that's why I'm leaving.
|- Leavin'? You can't leave.
I have to, Peter.
For me.
I love you all.
(all) Aw! Somebody say something.
Brian, wait! Hold on a second.
Airport, please.
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