Home Improvement s03e01 Episode Script

Hey, welcome to Tool Time.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You all know my assistant Al "What's the point of having a weekend?" Borland.
We've been gone for two weeks on vacation, Al and I.
It's good to be back.
I hope you enjoyed the reruns.
While we were gone, Al, I guess you finished that log cabin up at Hope Lake? Yes, Tim, I have.
I finished it completely by myself.
Everything in it is made from logs.
Fantastic.
Can't wait to stop by and meet the little log woman.
Anyway, while Al was busy carving himself a life, I took my family to the natural history museum in Chicago.
Very educational.
A lot of fun.
Yes, it is.
But we all know the worst part of a long car trip - the family in the car.
(high voice) "I'm tired.
" "I'm hungry.
" "I can't see.
" "He's pushing.
" "I gotta pee.
" Boy, my wife was annoying.
But it worked out well, because I brought back from the museum some primitive tools from primitive man.
Heidi, the artifacts, please.
'Course, y'all know our new tool girl.
I want you all to say howdy to Heidi.
(all) Howdy, Heidi! Our old tool girl moved on to bigger and better things.
Oh? Did she accept that offer from Bob Vila? She went on to college.
We both know that, Al.
Here are your sticks, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.
They're not sticks.
These are artifacts.
They look like sticks to me.
Hm? Well, little do you know.
I wouldn't pay 15 bucks for some sticks, would I? Yes, Tim, you would.
They say there's a sucker born every minute.
Now we know what he does on his vacation.
Boy, gosh darn it.
That's funny.
That's really funny.
Maybe when you're on your permanent vacation, you can build yourself a log unemployment office.
The point is, to John Q Primitive Man, this was his source of fire.
They would try to get a spark going, rubbing like this, to see if they could get the kindling moving.
You should be careful, because you could start a fire.
Like I'm really gonna start a fire with sticks like this.
You can't get a spark Tim Al Al You're on fire.
Indeed I am, Al, and, you know, I've done this to teach the kids an important lesson - don't play with sticks.
They can put your eye out or ignite your forearm.
Al, could you help me out? Hey! Oh! Ahh Ooh.
What do you think? Should we put the kids in the middle? Come on, baby, let's go.
Burn it in here.
Put it in the glove.
You can do it.
Come on.
Boys! Hey! Hey, boys, come on.
You don't wanna be late for school.
Yes, we do.
If we're gonna be late, we might as well not go at all.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
You know, when I was a kid, I could not wait to get to school, see my teachers, hand in my homework, take all those tests I always got A's on.
Yeah, but I bet you got beat up a lot.
Every day.
Now move it, guys.
Have a good time at school.
Bye, Mom! Love you! (oogah) Right! I got the horn working for the hot rod, huh? Really? I thought a flock of geese had exploded in there.
Speaking of a flock of geese, your sister called.
What did she say about the ultrasound? What is she having? A baby.
I know she's having a baby.
What kind of a baby? I dunno.
I hope it doesn't look a lot like her.
OK, I'll call her.
I can't believe you're so blasé about this.
Having a baby is a big deal.
What's the big deal? Cells get together and multiply.
Poof! You got a baby.
You women act as though it's some sort of miracle.
It is a miracle.
No, no, no, no, no, a miracle is what happened to the 1980 US Olympic hockey team.
You women give birth, thousands of fans don't stand up and go, "USA! USA! USA!" Well, maybe women should start giving birth in stadiums.
Well, maybe they should! (laughs) Good luck getting 50,000 guys to see that.
Yeah.
You know what name I've always loved? Laura.
It's simple, it's unpretentious.
Sloan? That's nice, too.
(imitates retching) Tim just walked in.
He sends his love.
Yeah.
If you need anything, give me a call.
Bye.
It's a girl! It's a girl.
Carol is so happy.
She always wanted to have a girl.
They stayed up all last night and painted the nursery pink.
Flat or semigloss? Gee, somehow that didn't come up.
Aw.
(squeaking) What's all that stuff? Oh, it's some of the boys' baby things.
I'm gonna send it to Carol.
I'm hoping there'll be something that will work for a girl.
Ohhh.
Look at the little booties.
They're so teeny.
(sniffs) They're Brad's.
Oh, and the little hat.
And the bib.
Are you gonna send the wittle bib to the wittle baby? No, I'm keeping this around for you.
Oh, my gosh.
Where'd that pink blanket come from? I made this when I was pregnant with Mark.
Remember, I was hoping for a girl? I wanted a sweet little thing I could cuddle on my lap, with beautiful curly hair and big bow in it.
You wanted to give birth to a poodle.
It could happen.
Look at the father.
Maybe I should hold on to this.
Why would you wanna do that? You never know.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Back the estrogen express up, honey, huh? I see Wait a minute.
Your sister has a little girl, now you want a little girl? So? So? Carol gives birth to an elephant, does that mean you give birth to an elephant? Great, that's just what I want - pass a pair of tusks.
Ouch.
(moaning and howling on television) I thought you guys weren't supposed to watch that Goosebump Theater.
Doesn't it give you nightmares? Tool Time gives us nightmares, and you make us watch that.
(chain saw buzzing, man screaming) Hey, he's going after those guys with a Binford 5100 chain saw.
That's a chain saw and a half.
Good choice, ghoul.
Dad, aren't you a little old to have a security blanket? He got it when he stopped sucking his thumb.
Maybe you'll recognize some of the other stuff in here.
Oh, look, it's Brad's training pants.
You used 'em last weekend, didn't you? What's this? Randy's brain.
I'm sending your old baby stuff to Aunt Carol.
Hey, wait a minute.
That blanket wasn't ours.
Your mom knitted this when she was having Mark.
It's pink.
Mom must have known Mark would be a girl.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Your mother was praying for a girl after she had you two buttheads.
Whoa.
Mom really wanted Mark to be a girl.
Yeah.
I think we can have some fun with this.
Oh, uh Mark! Come on in here.
What do you want? Buddy have a seat.
(sighs) (sighs) Well, we just found out some awful news from Dad, and we wanted to tell you before you heard it from a stranger.
What? Well, Dad told us that when Mom had you, she really wanted a girl.
You're lying.
He just showed us the pink blanket she made for you.
He did not.
You know how she's always saying she wants to bake with you.
And how she's always taking you shopping.
She's pretending you're her daughter.
Well, I just got off the phone with Carol.
She's so excited.
The baby moved today.
Where to, that all-baby condo downtown? (horn honks) Hey, boys, bus is here! Ugh.
Yuck! How many scoops did you use in this stuff? "Tim Taylor More Power" coffee.
Arr.
Hey, I'll race you to Ann Arbor.
Hey, Brad! Yeah? Brad, don't forget you have a dentist appointment today, and don't try to get detention to get out of it again.
Ha.
Like he has to try.
Hey.
Mark, we're gonna make a cake when I get home from work.
I'm not helping you.
How come? You love to make cakes.
I'm never baking again.
What's with him? I don't know, but I'm sure gonna miss his brownies.
Tim.
Tim.
Tim! What? I love it.
It looks good.
Your, uh The hair, perfect.
New outfit? Thinner? Younger? Thank you, but that's not it.
Remember what we were talking about last night? Oh, the baby.
I won't bring it up again, promise.
I'm bringing it up.
Come on, haven't you thought about how nice it would be to have a little girl? No! We have all the kids we can stand right now.
We never actually said that we weren't gonna have another baby.
I've said it.
I know I've talked about it.
I mentioned it on Tool Time.
Oh, great.
So 11 people know about it? You remember babies at all? Dirty diapers.
Colic? I don't have the energy for that anymore.
You don't have the energy to say, "Wake up, Jill, the baby wants you"? At this point in my life, I don't have the energy to say, "Wake up, Jill, I want you.
" So you're just shutting the door on the whole idea of having a baby? I'm shutting the door.
That's your last word? I've shut the door, put a chest in front of it, and there's a fat guy sitting on it.
What? And he's holding Al's mom in his lap.
As sure as a bear takes reading material into the woods, tools lose their edge.
That's why Al and I are doing our Tool Time salute (grinding noise) to sharpeners.
Before we get to the meat of the show, though, something happened at my house today that got me thinking, and I was wondering Tim? Didn't you promise this year that you would stick to tools and not get into your personal life? A promise is a promise, isn't it? But does this mean anything to you at all? So, I was hoping How would you like it if I talked about my personal life? When you get one, we'll talk about it.
Right now, I'd like to talk about women and babies.
What is the big deal? Women and babies, babies and women.
If women gave birth to cars, that would be a big deal.
You'd have guys lined up in delivery rooms seeing that stuff, huh? (man) Yeah.
Imagine your wife delivering a 3,000-pound Ferrari.
Yeah! Oh, yeah.
Slip it in gear, kiss your wife, drive the baby home.
Can we get on with the show? Let's introduce our guest star tonight - the Binford XJB bench grinder.
Three-quarter horsepower motor.
And it spins at a manly 3400 RPM.
Arr-arr-arr.
(motor whining) Oh! Now, you'll notice Al's wearing safety goggles.
They not only protect his eyes, but they give Al that intellectual look.
If we can bring the camera over here, I'll show you what Al's doing.
He keeps the ax blade against the wheel at a 45° angle.
That helps retain the original bevel.
And I don't know about you, but I revel in Al's bevel.
There you are, Tim.
Sharp as new.
All right, there's ways to see if they're sharp.
The first way (loud grinding noise) Warn me when you do that stuff, Al.
OK There we go.
Sharp as new.
Gettin' a little rough on that beard.
You want me to trim it up for you? I don't think so, Tim.
Come on, trust me, Al.
Based on what? You know, I expected that response out of you.
That's why the guys at Binford and I came up with a special project.
Heidi, how about that special project? This is test dummy Al.
Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.
Every last detail is the same as Al, except he's a bit more animated.
Oh, that's beard's a little rough.
You want me to shave it for you? Sure.
All right, there you go.
OK.
Of course I think I do all the work around here.
Thanks for saying so.
I'm your idol? Oh, come on, buddy Ooh! Uh-oh.
Cut a little deep.
Oh, whoa! Al, Al, buddy.
Can you do that, Al? Mark, come on down and have some cake with me.
I don't want any cake.
Don't tell me you've given up eating cake, too? It's angel food made with real angels.
Luckily they're in season.
I don't want any cake.
(typing) Sweetie, why don't you just tell me what's wrong? Nothing's wrong.
And don't call me "sweetie.
" I always call you "sweetie.
" That's because you wanted me to be a girl.
Who told you that? Brad and Randy.
Well, they're grounded for a week.
Honey, you know better than to listen to them.
They're always trying to torment you.
You mean, you didn't want me to be a girl? Well Well, maybe a part of me did.
Oh.
But that doesn't mean I wasn't thrilled to have you.
The minute I laid eyes on you, I just fell in love.
All that matted hair, little squished face, wrinkled little body.
You looked just like your father.
But you really wanted a girl.
Mark, do you remember your fifth birthday? Yeah.
Brad and Randy made me eat the candles on my cake.
So they're grounded for another week.
Remember you wanted a dog, and we thought that you weren't old enough to take care of one, and so we got you a turtle.
Even though you wanted the dog, you really loved that turtle, didn't you? Mm-hmm.
Till he got squished by the truck.
I'm sure he didn't feel a thing.
Anyway, the point is, you wouldn't have traded that turtle for the world, and I would not trade you for the world.
You wouldn't? No way.
I've had a dozen offers, at least, just today.
Would you trade Brad or Randy? Like that.
(Wilson mumbles) Dobry dyen, good neighbor.
Huh? That's Russian for "hi-de-ho.
" I'm playing chess by mail with a grand master in Moscow.
Got a minute? Tim, I am your pawn.
Jill wants to have another baby.
Well, Tim, I'm not sure I can help you there.
That's not the area I'm having trouble with.
Arr-arr-arr.
She Her sister Carol is having a little girl, and I think it's stirring stuff in Jill.
I think she'd like to have a little girl.
Ah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And I get the feeling that you're not happy about the event.
I like the things just the way they are.
The house, the kids, Jill.
I have 276 power tools.
So, what you're telling me, Tim - you feel your life is complete.
Yeah, in a manner of speaking, sure.
Maybe Jill doesn't feel the same way.
What's that supposed to mean? I think what Jill is after is a legacy.
A Japanese car.
(laughs) That's a good one, Tim.
That's a good one.
A legacy.
Something that's passed down, like, generational? Exactly, and that's what you have with your sons.
You'll be able to pass on your accumulated wisdom, the things you've learned about being a man.
We've already started that, yeah.
Last weekend I taught 'em all how to burp the alphabet.
Actually, I'm talking about more than burping.
You see, Tim, what your sons give you is immortality, and I think maybe that's what Jill wants - to see a part of herself live on.
So that's why she'd want a girl.
Thanks, Wilson.
You've been a help.
Do svidaniya, good neighbor.
Do-si-do to you, too.
Jill, there's something I want to talk to you about.
Are you still talking to me? No.
I can respect that.
So you just sit there and listen, and I'll talk.
I think I know why you want a daughter.
You want to be immortal, like me.
You're immortal? Long after I'm gone, the boys will still be burping.
What? But you don't have a Jill Jr.
to pass on girl stuff to.
Oh, girl stuff, huh? Like cooking and cleaning and doing laundry? Don't forget darning socks.
That's a skill I'd hate to see die out.
I'm kidding.
What I'm saying is if I can be immortal, you should be able to be immortal, too.
So, let's let's let's talk about having a daughter.
Are you serious? Yeah.
And then I could build her a little Barbie Dream House.
And I'd remodel the whole downstairs, put in a rec room, a little weight room for Ken, a little back door for GI Joe.
Thank you, sweetie.
But you know what? I really don't want to have a baby right now.
I didn't mean this minute.
No! I've been thinking about it.
The truth is that I don't really have time in my life for it right now.
You know? I got the job, three kids Well, four, including you.
Wait, wait.
Excuse me.
What did you get so out of joint this morning for? I was mad.
You made up your mind we weren't gonna have any kids, and you didn't care what I felt about it.
You came out of nowhere with this.
Having a baby's a big deal.
It's up there with putting in a new sprinkler system - which we should talk about.
Tim Let me get this straight.
You don't want to have a new kid? I don't want you to rule out the possibility.
Well how do you feel about a sprinkler system? Look, I just want to know that we can still talk about this.
Why didn't you just say it like that? You wouldn't let me.
You shut the door and put a big fat guy in front of it.
Holding Al's mom.
So, I should just leave the door open? I just want you to listen.
What would happen if we had another boy? The last thing in the world this house needs is more testosterone.
It's practically dripping down the walls as it is.
(growls) Yeah.
There's hair growing on that wall right there.
(groans) Oh, shut the blinds, let the whole neighborhood know there's something going on in here.
Come here, Mr.
Immortal.
(grunts) Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh.
Did you brush your teeth? Tim, I just brushed 'em.
Could you brush 'em again, please? And get that stinky stuff way in the back.
Well, you've pretty much killed the mood.
Wait till you walk in there.
Come on.
I'm waiting, honey.
Well, I brushed, I flossed.
I hope that I don't offend you this time.
So, Al, what are you doing here? It's not Tuesday.
No, no, no, a miracle is what happened to the 1980 US Olynkic Olympic Hinkuskus.
It's not gonna happen.
It's not gonna happen.
Yes, it is.
All right.
No, no, no, a miracle is what happened to the 1980 US Olympic Hoffey