Mike & Molly s03e01 Episode Script

Previously on Mike & Molly: What about just having a traditional church wedding? Mike's mom would love it if we got married in a church, so we won't be doing that.
I just need to confirm a couple of things.
Your commitment to the Church and that you're planning on raising your children Catholic.
Can't guarantee what path they're going to take, or that they'll go to church every Sunday.
How the hell did you lose the church? Did you take a whore bath in the holy water? I know it's kind of cliché, but I was thinking honeymooning in Paris could be really romantic.
Paris, France? So what's the problem, you afraid of flying? No.
But when I'm traveling, I like knowing that if there's trouble, I can jump out of a window without plummeting to my death.
Looks like we might need to let this out just a smidge.
No, you won't.
I am just a few pounds from my target weight, and when I set a goal for myself, I-I reach it.
Two and a half miles.
Pretty good.
Tomorrow we'll go for three.
Move up and down and lift with your core.
Stop.
stop.
Son of a bitch! You don't have to squeeze into some wedding dress to look perfect to me.
You're already the most beautiful woman in the world.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I promise to cherish every moment with you.
Molly Flynn, I love you and every moment of my life has meaning because I do.
And by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Okay.
Oh, for the love of God.
Mike! Little help in here! Come on.
Damn it.
What is in here? Ah Son of a bitch is smuggling cheese and settin' me up to take the fall.
Smuggling perishables is a crime, and you're a police officer, and you should know that.
The real crime is you can't get this kind of fromage back in the States.
This is the best I've ever tasted and I have been to Cheddar Fest in Wisconsin.
Yeah, I know, you brought me back a T-shirt that said, "What a Friend We Have in Cheeses.
" I'm puttin' them in your bag.
Fine, just be careful of the ham.
I knew I smelled ham.
Come on, get up and help me finish packing.
Oh, you Americans, always hustling and bustling.
You need to learn to carpe a little more diem.
Yeah, you need to get your derriere out of that chair, and get your traveling duds on.
And shave off that hideous mustache.
What? You want me to get rid of my French tickler? Oui.
But this is who I am now.
A bon vivant world traveler.
Paris Mike.
Fine, but if I have to keep kissing that cookie duster, I'm going full on French, legs and armpits.
Sacre bleu.
All right, fine, it's gone.
But, uh, perhaps one last tickle before we say au revoir to our little fuzzy friend? What are you talking about, like a quick kiss good-bye or skirt over the head kind of thing? Let us start with a kiss and see where the winds of love blow us.
Okay, you got six minutes, Paris Mike.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's do it on top of the suitcase that'll get that bastard shut.
But, of course, mon cheri.
For the first time in my life I see love.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry! Sorry.
Mike, will you give me a hand with the bags? It's first class.
I dropped mine off with the concierge.
Yeah, and he gave them to me so he could fly the plane.
Oh.
My bad.
He didn't have his hat on.
Just help me.
Absolutely.
You enjoy the complimentary "cham-pan-ya" and I will handle "le loo-gaj.
" Un.
Deux.
Trois.
Four.
Voilà.
Now we can sit back and enjoy the luxuries of traveling first class.
Damn right.
I used up all of my frequent flyer miles on this upgrade, I ain't going to miss a fresh baked cookie, hot towel or warm nut.
Yeah, we'll sleep in shifts so nothin' gets past us.
That kind of can-do thinkin' is why I married you.
By the way, wife, Mmm.
I really want to thank you for a beautiful honeymoon.
Right back at ya, husband.
But we got to make promise that once the wheels touch down in Chicago, we are back on our diet.
No question.
Maybe in a couple of months we'll fit in our wedding rings again.
I can't believe in eight short hours we'll be home and back to our lives.
Oh, crap, that reminds me, I forgot to buy Carl a gift.
Does he like cheese? Hey, this blanket says "France"" Stuff that in your purse.
Just out of curiosity, is this the longest you two guys have ever been apart? Yeah, he gets a little lost without me.
It's understandable, I am kind of his hero.
Sure.
Man, that was some impressive police work back there.
The way you apprehended that perp, it could've gotten real ugly.
Well, the boy was sorry, and he did give the Silly Putty back to the cashier.
You showed a lot of restraint.
me a butthole, you're gonna see it on the 6:00 news.
Just doing my job.
You're too modest.
You are, without a doubt, the finest police officer I've ever had the pleasure of working with.
Well, I'm sure your partner's no slouch.
He ain't nothing but a slouch.
Gone for two weeks, and not one word.
I even put a prepaid phone card inside a Hershey bar, so I know he found it.
Well, you got to cut him a little slack it is his honeymoon.
Which he wouldn't be on if it wasn't for me.
I was the Cupid that made that relationship happen.
And it took about a dozen arrows.
Like taking down Moby-Dick with thumbtacks.
The guy in that Saturn's driving a little erratically.
I'm gonna run his plates.
Listen to you! You're "gonna run his plates.
" You are the real deal, Officer.
Damn fine cop.
You'd call me from your honeymoon, wouldn't you? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Could I have some more warm nuts? Absolutely.
And, uh, I-I noticed that the guy across the aisle slept through his cookie.
Is that is that up for grabs? I'll see what I can do.
Believe it or not, I've never flown first class before.
But between you and me, I am hooked.
I'll be back with zee warm nuts.
And-and the cookie.
Don't forget that cookie.
God, I love first class! It's like a fancy restaurant where you can sleep.
Well, somebody looks mighty cute in his complimentary jammies.
Can you believe it? One size really does fit all.
Boy, I hate leaving France.
Oh, me, too.
Quaint little shops, the architecture, the museums And how about the bidet? Right?! I mean, the best invention ever.
It's so much more civilized.
I don't know how I'm ever gonna go back to using toilet paper.
Well, just for the record, you are.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm just saying, it's the difference between a babbling brook and a pinecone.
True.
I mean, there's a reason you soak the plates before you wipe 'em.
All right.
Good talk.
Wow, the honeymoon is really over.
It was like a dream.
Now it's back to the old grind.
Well, I'm not looking forward to going back, either.
Mom and Victoria without adult supervision for two weeks? I'm guessing the whole house is empty wine bottles floating in bong water.
And cats.
I don't know why, but I just keep picturing a ton of stray cats.
Victoria, sweetie, breakfast is ready.
Coming, Mommy! Oh! Don't you look pretty! Not too slutty for work, is it? Molly says it makes my breasts look like two pumpkins rolling off a porch.
She says the same thing about my thong underwear every time I go out to pick up the newspaper.
Where are the coffee cups? One shelf up.
I moved the wineglasses down to eye level.
Molly tries to put them out of my reach.
She forgot I took that rock climbing class.
Morning, ladies.
Morning! Morning! Boy, I just had the best shower.
Without Mike in the house, you don't have to worry about getting scalded from his 7:00 a.
m.
double flush.
I just like being able to walk in the bathroom without a gas mask and a canary.
And would you look at this! Leftover cheesecake.
Has anyone living in this house ever uttered those words.
God, how many times have I come down here to find Mike in the dark standing at the fridge like a raccoon caught digging in the trash can? Up on his hind legs, chicken bone in his mouth, with those two little red eyes glaring at you.
I mean, I love them both, but it's kind of been a honeymoon for all of us.
Hey, why don't we celebrate our last day of freedom with a nice pitcher of mimosas? Why not! I'm guessing it's Sunday somewhere.
Now, that's convenient.
Right? Thank you! Mmm Oh Sweetie, are you still awake? You need to get some sleep.
Look at that map.
That's our plane.
In four inches, we'll be back in Chicago.
You know, we're gonna take other trips.
Once, you know, we pay off this one, and and buy a house and pay off my student loans Your what? Nothing.
I don't know why we have to go back.
I mean, what's stopping us from hopping on another plane and going anywhere we want.
Well, I'm out of frequent flyer miles, and you can't buy plane tickets with cheese.
We don't need money.
You're a teacher; I'm a cop.
We can do that anywhere.
We can barely do it in Chicago.
Just go to sleep.
I've been sleeping my whole life.
Paris was like a splash of cold water.
Oh, God, is this about that bidet again? Fine.
We can get one, but good luck getting my mom off that thing.
This isn't about stuff, it's about living our lives for the moment and following our hearts.
What has gotten into you? I had to practically drag you to Paris, and now you want to roam the earth like Kung Fu.
I'm just saying, there's got to be more to life than going to work and coming home and watching TV.
So, it sounds like you're finally open for some new experiences.
I am.
You know, we could take that watercolor class or or we could learn to salsa dance or we could get season tickets at the opera.
You really ought to get some sleep.
Mission accomplished.
Well, Mike will be home tomorrow, so I'm guessing you'll stop moping around like Eeyore without his Pooh.
I'm not moping, I'm hurt.
I called him every day when I was at space camp.
I'm sure there's a very good reason he hasn't called you.
You know what? I'm moving on.
At least now I'm riding with genuine police and not having to pull over into a park so Mike can take a nap on the picnic table.
Let's roll.
See that? Fly zipped up and not a drop of mustard on his badge.
And clean hands and no toilet paper stuck to his shoe.
I'm telling you, he's a class act.
Actually waited to get out of the car before he cut a fart.
Yeah, quite a change from Mike rolling up all the windows and shouting, "Live in it, man, live in it.
" So, so then the guy says, "Oh, it must be your feet, then.
" Oh, you're terrible.
I'm filthy, I'm an animal.
Another round of hooch, ladies? I don't know, that, that last mimosa tasted a little weird.
We ran out of OJ and champagne, so I substituted Tang and tequila.
I call it a Mexican on the Moon.
Hey, we're not out of champagne.
I bought Mike and Molly a real nice bottle for a wedding present.
We can't.
Molly made us promise not to unwrap anything while she was gone.
Well, until she opens that gift, it still belongs to you.
You sure about this? As sure as a guy drunk on Tang and tequila can be.
That's all I need to hear.
Wait, so, so you're saying the Kama Sutra love kit is technically still ours? Can you believe they left that here? I told 'em they'd want that on their honeymoon, but in one ear and out the other.
I think that's one of the positions.
Bucket list number 83 invent ice cream-filled M&M'S.
Number 84 invent pocket refrigerator.
Honey, have you been awake all night? Yes, I have.
I'm writing my bucket list.
May I? You may.
"Eat gelato in a Roman piazza.
"Eat Peking duck near the Great Wall.
Go to Germany and eat Wiener schnitzel"? You know, you can knock most of these out at the mall food court.
Oh, hey, hey, you should climb Mount Everest.
Because I hear they've got snow cones up there.
Having someone mock my bucket list is not on my bucket list.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've had 11 cups of coffee, and the only thing holding it in is my seat belt.
He just came from France and he can't spell "ménage à trois"" Woof.
First class or coach, they all smell like crap.
Whoa, whoa.
Ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have hit a bit of rough air, so please remain seated with your seat belt fastened.
I can't die alone in the can.
No belt, there's no belt.
I want to go home.
No more travel, no more bucket list.
Molly! Molly! You sure you don't want to go grab a beer and hang out a little bit? I'm ready to call it a day.
It's been a real pleasure riding with you, Carl.
The pleasure was all mine, sir.
You are truly one of the finest police officers I've ever known.
Appreciate you saying that.
Your partner's a lucky man.
Yeah, tell him that.
Oh, by the way, I got you a little something.
You bought me a gift? Nothing extravagant.
I just noticed, when we were walking the beat, that you over-pronate on your right foot.
So you got me an insert? Yeah, that'll even out your gait, maybe relieve some of that lower back pain that's always troubling you.
Carl, I don't know what to say.
I hope that Mike appreciates working alongside you as much as I did.
Nah, he doesn't appreciate me at all.
Not a word in two weeks, and tomorrow he's just going to waltz back into my life like nothing's wrong.
Well, I'm just glad you and I had this time together.
Thank you.
All right.
You be careful out there.
If you'd like to stay in touch, I'm on Facebook.
My profile pic is Jude Law.
Home sweet home, huh? It's actually not as bad as I thought it would be.
You called it.
You know, it's funny, I almost said squirrels.
You know, Paris was okay, but they don't have anything we can't get right here in Chicago, Illinois.
Hmm, I've heard that.
Except for the cheese.
That's a war with France we lose.
Hey, thanks for that cool blanket again, man, very thoughtful.
I'm gonna keep it in the plastic so it stays nice.
Just a little token to show how much I missed you and that I was thinking about you.
Well, it was a lovely surprise, but you know I did not expect anything.
That's why I did it.
So how were your two weeks with your temporary partner? You guys get along? Why, what did you hear? Nothing.
Oh, yeah, he was all right.
Little clingy but I think he benefited from being around real police.
Ah, lucky for him, he had a guy like you to show him the ropes.
Well, what good is wisdom unless you can share it with others? I'm glad it worked out.
And I'm glad you had a nice honeymoon.
Don't you ever leave me again.
I won't, I swear to God I won't.