Queer as Folk s03e01 Episode Script

ÿþ1 ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ Mixed chatter/laughter .]
[ Murmurs of surprise .]
[ Clanging of bell .]
[ Cheering of crowd at boxing match .]
Michael: <i>AND HE'S DOWN</i> <i>FOR THE COUNT.
</i> <i>THE CROWD IS GOING WILD.
</i> <i>MIGHTY MIKE NOVOTNY HAS</i> <i>TAKEN IT ON THE CHIN</i> <i>FROM MAD DOG KINNEY.
</i> <i>SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE.
</i> <i>GET UP, YOU BUM.
</i> <i>THE WINNER AND</i> <i>NEW CHAMPION IS.
.
.
</i> <i>HOLD IT.
BEFORE WE</i> <i>CROWN THE CHAMP,</i> <i>LET'S GIVE ALL YOU</i> <i>SPORTS FANS A BLOW-</i> <i>BY-BLOW RECAP,</i> <i>SO CAN SEE FOR</i> <i>YOURSELVES WHAT THE</i> <i>FUCK JUST HAPPENED.
</i> <i>TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I</i> <i>WOULDN'TMIND KNOWING</i> <i>WHAT THE FUCK</i> <i>HAPPENED MYSELF.
</i> <i>IT WAS A WEEK AGO, THE</i> <i>NIGHT THAT MAD DOG.
.
.
</i> <i>I MEAN, BRIAN; THREW</i> <i>THE PARTY FOR "RAGE".
</i> WHOO! [ Shouts of merriment .]
LET'S GO BACK TO MY PLACE.
j& .
.
.
I STILL LOVE YOU j& j& SO SHOW ME j& j& THAT YOU LOVE ME TOO j& Ben: WELL, I WOULD SAY THAT "RAGE" IS ALL THE RAGE.
YEAH.
Melanie: AW-W-W.
.
.
SEE YOU LATER.
YEAH, MUCH, MUCH LATER.
Melanie: GOD.
DO YOU THINK THEY'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO.
.
.
DO IT? HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY THAT WE GO HOME AND CONTINUE THE CELEBRA- TION, HUH? IN A MINUTE.
I HAVE TO FIND BRIAN.
OKAY.
LAST TIME I SAW HIM, HE WAS FEELING NO PAIN.
YEAH, GET- TING IT ON WITH SHIRTLESS WONDER 4,689.
HE AND JUSTIN JUST BROKE UP.
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? JUSTIN'S BEEN SEEING SOME- ONE ELSE.
OH, AREN'T THEY ALWAYS SEEING SOMEBODY ELSE? THIS TIME, IT'S DIFFERENT.
I'LL BE BACK.
[ Muffled club j&j&j& .]
Man: TAXI! [ Mixed chatter .]
AH-H.
IT JUST BUGS ME, 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T EVEN SEEM TO.
.
.
BRIAN! [ Revving of engine .]
BRIAN! [ Mixed chatter/ whistling .]
[ Violin j&j&j& .]
HMMMM.
I PROMISED I'D SERENADE YOU AWAKE, DIDN'T I? YOU ALSO PROMISED ME BREAKFAST IN BED.
AH-HA.
[ Chuckle .]
DARK CHOCOLATE.
IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND? HMM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE FINALLY HERE, THAT WE ACTUALLY SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT TOGETHER.
I'M HERE.
.
.
BUT I CAN'T STAY.
OH-H.
.
.
I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS, AH.
THEN TO WORK.
OH, I ALSO HAVE TO PICK UP MY STUFF.
WHAT IF HE'S THERE? WHAT IF HE IS? I DON'T CARE.
[ Zipping of fly .]
I'M WITH YOU NOW.
Michael: BRIAN.
.
.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? CALL ME.
THAT'LL BE 5.
25, WITH TAX.
I'LL TAKE A RAGE T-SHIRT TOO.
OH, THIS IS NOT FOR SALE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE COPIES? LOOKS LIKE I JUST SOLD MY LAST ONE.
WHEN IS ISSUE TWO COMING OUT? IT'S NOT.
BUT WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO RAGE AND J.
T.
? ARE THEY GOING TO GET TOGETHER? YEAH, AND WILL ZEPHYR HAVE A COSMIC MELTDOWN IF THEY DO? I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW, SO.
.
.
HANG ON TO YOUR COMIC BOOKS, GUYS.
IT'S ABOUT TO BECOME A TRUE COLLECTOR'S ITEM.
[ Knocking on door .]
BRIAN? BRIAN.
.
.
Men: [ Laughing .]
[ Moans of pleasure .]
AHH.
Both: [ Panting/moaning .]
[ Splashing of shower .]
[ Moans of pleasure .]
[ Gasping/panting .]
OKAY, TIME TO PUT THAT AWAY AND EAT YOUR PINK-PLATE SPECIALS BEFORE THEY GET COLD.
THERE YOU GO, BABY.
Men: THANK YOU.
THANKS.
YOU KNOW YOU WROTE THAT, DON'T YOU? MY SON, MICHAEL NOVOTNY.
HEY, NO SNATCHING THE LEMON BARS, EVEN IF YOU ARE A GENIUS.
Lindsay: YOU DID IT, DIDN'T YOU? WE KNOW YOU DID IT.
WAS IT HEAVEN? WAS IT BLISS? Melanie: PERMIT ME TO DO THE CROSS- EXAMINING.
WHO WAS TOP? WHO WAS BOTTOM? HMM? CHRIST, YOU SOUND LIKE ME.
HOLD ON.
DID I MISS SOMETHING? YOU GUYS DIDN'T ACTUALLY.
.
.
Debbie: ORDER IN THE COURT.
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
[ Mixed chatter of staff .]
[ Gulping .]
WELL, LET'S JUST SAY IT WAS, UM.
.
.
A NIGHT LIKE NO OTHER.
Emmett: AND I'LL REMEMBER IT.
.
.
ALWAYS.
[ Chuckling .]
REMEMBER WHAT? AW, DIDN'T WE TELL YOU? TELL ME! OH, WE'RE SO THRILLED FOR YOU! SOON YOU'LL BE CELEBRATING YOUR ANNIVERSARY, JUST LIKE US.
Debbie: ANNIVERSARY? YOU JUST GOT MARRIED.
WE'VE ALWAYS CELEBRATE THE DAY WE FIRST GOT TOGETHER.
ONE FOR YOU.
.
.
Emmett: MY FRIENDS ARNIE AND EDWARD, THEY CELEBRATE THE DAY THEY FIRST FUCKED.
SAME THING.
Melanie: AND ONE FOR YOU.
.
.
WE EXPECT YOU ALL TO BE THERE.
WELL, DON'T EXPECT ANY GIFTS THIS TIME.
Lindsay EXCEPT.
.
.
WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS? GUESS THEY WON'T BE COMING.
AT LEAST, NOT TOGETHER.
Debbie: POOR SUNSHINE.
HE REALLY LOVED HIM.
AND BRIAN REALLY LOVED HIM.
YEAH WELL, HE SHOULD'VE SHOWED IT.
HE DID, IN HIS WAY.
POOR BRIAN MUST BE SEQUESTERED AWAY, DEVASTATED, DISGRACED, BROKEN, HUMILIATED.
.
.
[ Chuckling .]
Emmett: OR MAYBE NOW HE'S, YOU KNOW, PLANNING TO PACK HIS BAGS AND MOVE ON, NOW THAT HE'S NO LONGER PITTSBURGH'S NUMERO UNO HOMO.
Brian: WELL, REPORTS OF MY DEATH HAVE BEEN.
.
.
GREATLY EXAGGERATED.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE? LONG ENOUGH.
.
.
TO KNOW WHO MY REAL FRIENDS ARE.
BRIAN.
.
.
YOU OKAY? I'M BRILLIANT, DAZZLING.
[ Closing of door .]
YOU GONNA JUST STAND THERE, OR YOU GONNA GET TO WORK? [ Sighing .]
WHAT DO YOU WANT? WELL, IT'S SUCH A LOVELY DAY, I THOUGHT I'D GO FOR A STROLL, YOU KNOW, TAKE IN THE SIGHTS.
[ Groan of effort .]
ME, THROWING OUT GARBAGE? YEAH WELL, YOU'RE SO GOOD AT DUMPING THINGS.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WALK OUT ON HIM LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, YOU KNOW.
I WOULD'VE TOLD HIM TO GO FUCK HIMSELF, BUT HE WAS ALREADY DOING THAT IN THE BACK ROOM WITH RAGE.
HOW CAN YOU BE SUCH A SHIT, AFTER ALL HE'S DONE FOR YOU? I KNOW WHAT HE'S DONE FOR ME.
AND YOU KNEW WHO HE WAS, RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.
YEAH.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME.
AND DID YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD CHANGE HIM? THAT HE WOULD CHANGE FOR YOU? I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S OVER.
ON TO THE NEXT.
YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.
SO DID YOU.
FROM THE FIRST NIGHT THAT WE MET, AND HE TOOK ME HOME AND FUCKED ME, YOU HAVE WANTED ME GONE.
WELL, MIKEY, YOU FINALLY GOT YOUR WISH.
THERE'S NOTHING STANDING IN YOUR WAY ANY MORE.
HE'S ALL YOURS.
YOU KNOW, SINCE YOU'RE NO LONGER WITH BRIAN, THERE'S REALLY NO REASON FOR YOU TO BE HERE, IS THERE? SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO US ALL A FAVOUR, INCLUDING YOURSELF, AND DISAPPEAR? Lindsay: NOW HUDDLE IN JUST A LITTLE CLOSER TOGETHER.
Melanie: OKAY NOW.
SAY "CUNNILINGUS".
[ Gagging .]
All: [ Laughing .]
OH, AREN'T THEY ADORABLE.
PRECIOUS.
OKAY, WE'LL SEE YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS LATER.
BYE.
BYE-BYE.
LATER.
SEE YA.
BYE.
THEY THINK WE DID IT.
EVERYBODY THINKS WE DID IT.
WELL, CAN WE HELP IT IF THEY MAKE CERTAIN ASSUMPTIONS? DIDN'T THEY MAKE CERTAIN ASSUMPTIONS BECAUSE WE LET THEM MAKE CERTAIN ASSUMPTIONS? IT'S NOT AS IF WE LIED TO THEM.
.
.
OR DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT.
WE <i>SO</i> WANTED TO DO IT.
BUT IT WAS LATE.
I, FOR ONE, HAD FAR TOO MANY RAGE-TINIS.
I COULD BARELY KEEP MY EYES OPEN.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE WERE ASLEEP.
WELL, AT LEAST, WE WERE IN THE SAME BED TOGETHER.
YEAH, WHICH MEANS, TECHNICALLY, WE DID SLEEP TOGETHER.
TECHNICALLY.
ANYWAY, WHEN WE FINALLY DO.
.
.
IT.
IT.
.
.
[ Chuckle .]
WE WANT IT TO BE JUST RIGHT.
RIGHT? RIGHT.
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
INCREDIBLY RIGHT.
BEAUTIFULLY RIGHT.
Ben: NO, I KNOW, I KNOW.
OF COURSE.
UH, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.
IT'S JUST THAT, UH, SINCE I DECIDED NOT TO GO TO TIBET AFTER ALL, I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE YOU WOULD.
.
.
OH.
OKAY THEN.
UM, I HOPE ALL GOES WELL.
YEAH, RIGHT.
YOU TOO.
HUH.
BYE.
BITCH.
NO LUCK? OH, SHE SAID SHE SIGNED THE LEASE IN GOOD FAITH, AND SHE INTENDS TO STAY.
WHY DID I HAVE TO SUBLET MY PLACE TO A LAW PROFESSOR? HUH.
WELL, GUESS I'D BETTER START SEARCHING.
CHECK OUT CAMPUS HOUSING.
WHY DO THAT? I'VE GOT TO FIND SOME PLACE TO LIVE.
LIVE HERE.
WELL, LIVE HERE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, OR LIVE HERE.
.
.
FOR GOOD? FOR GOOD.
WHY NOT? OH.
.
.
IT'S JUST THAT, UH.
.
.
ARE WE READY FOR THIS? I MEAN, WE'VE.
.
.
WE'VE NEVER DISCUSSED IT.
WHAT'S TO DISCUSS? IT'S A COMMITMENT.
AREN'T WE COMMITTED? OF COURSE WE ARE.
SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? YOU AFRAID WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE COMPATIBLE? HUH, WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.
ALL RIGHT, PROFESSOR BRUCKNER, DO YOU THROW WILD PARTIES? DO YOU PLAY LOUD MUSIC ALL NIGHT? DO YOU SPEND HOURS IN THE BATHROOM? LET'S SEE.
WHAT ELSE AM I FORGETTING? JUST THIS.
HMM.
I SAY WE'RE GOING TO GET ALONG JUST FINE.
MM-HMM.
HI, BOYS.
HOPE I'M INTERRUPTING SOMETHING.
EM, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO.
.
.
BEN MOVING IN HERE? UM, WELL, IT'S.
.
.
KIND OF A LOT OF PEOPLE IN A SMALL SPACE.
BUT HEY, I LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE IN A SMALL SPACE.
[ Chuckling .]
WHAT ABOUT YOU AND.
.
.
TED? YEAH, WHAT ABOUT YOU AND TED? I-I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BITE THE BULLET AND TELL HIM NO.
WELL, LET'S.
.
.
JUST SAY I DECIDED TO BITE SOMETHING ELSE.
Ben: IT'S GREAT YOU GUYS DECIDED TO GET TOGETHER.
TO THINK HE'S BEEN RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY NOSE ALL ALONG.
STILL, I CAN'T IMAGINE HAVING SEX WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND.
REALLY? SO.
.
.
SO WHAT? I'M SORRY, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T IMAGINE IT, WHAT? TEDDY AND I DON'T DESERVE TO BE AS HAPPY AS YOU AND BEN? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
I WANT YOU TO HAVE EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD, INCLUDING THE HOTTEST SEX.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.
Lindsay: HOW COULD YOU JUST LET HIM WALK OUT LIKE THAT? Brian: WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE HAD ME DO? THROW MYSELF DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG HIM NOT TO GO? WELL, I'M NOT SURPRISED HE LEFT.
IN FACT, I SAW IT COMING.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, SONNY BOY? WHAT A PERCEP- TIVE PUSS YOUR MOMMA IS.
WELL, IT WASN'T JUST ME.
IT WAS EVERYONE.
THE WAY YOU TREATED HIM, REFUSING TO MAKE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST ROMANTIC GESTURE.
IT'S NO WONDER HE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE.
HOWEVER.
.
.
MMM.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
FOR WHAT? TO GET HIM BACK.
OH, DON'T GIVE ME THAT.
.
.
FUCKING SUPERIOR SNEER.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM.
IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK, A SMALL SACRIFICE.
AND THEN WE COULD BE A HAPPY COUPLE, LIKE YOU AND MELANIE, OR.
.
.
OR MIKEY AND THE PROFESSOR.
GOD HELP US, TED AND EMMETT.
AND WHAT IS SO TERRIBLE WITH THAT? NOTHING.
IT'S JUST THAT.
.
.
I'M NOT A DYKE.
OR ONE OF THE GROWING LEGIONS OF DICKLESS FAGS WHO THINK THAT BY IMIT- ATING THEM, THEY'RE GOING TO FIND TRUE HAPPINESS.
SO YOU'D RATHER BE ALONE, THAN BE WITH THE ONE PERSON WHO LOVED YOU ENOUGH TO ALMOST PUT UP WITH ALL YOUR BULLSHIT.
.
.
I NEVER LOVED HIM.
AND EVEN IF I DID, I'D NEVER ASK HIM TO PUT MY NEEDS ABOVE HIS OR.
.
.
BE SOMETHING HE'S NOT TO MAKE ME HAPPY.
I'D TELL HIM IF HE'S NOT GETTING WHAT HE WANTS, THEN GO FIND IT SOMEPLACE ELSE.
WELL, HE CERTAINLY LEARNED HIS LESSON.
CONGRATULATIONS.
Debbie: KIKI, THE NEW WAITRESS, FORMERLY KENNY THE WAITER, [ Slapping of counter .]
TOLD ME THAT JUSTIN QUIT TODAY, JUST LIKE THAT.
WHERE IN THE FUCK IS THE CHEESE GRATER? OH.
OH, AND GET THIS.
ON HIS WAY OUT THE DOOR, HE SAYS, "BE SURE AND TELL DEBBIE I SAID GOODBYE.
" LIKE HE WAS GOING AROUND THE GODDAMN CORNER.
[ Groan of disgust .]
WHAT'S THE MATTER? THERE'S NO MEAT IN THIS.
THE GIRLS WANTED VEGETARIAN.
LESBIAN LASAGNA.
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, MICHAEL, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE TO EAT PUSSY.
MOTHER! AND AFTER ALL I DID FOR THAT KID.
AFTER WHAT WE ALL DID.
I TOLD HIM, LOUD AND CLEAR.
.
.
TOLD HIM WHAT? THAT HE'S A SELFISH, UNGRATEFUL LITTLE PRICK, AND HE SHOULD GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR LIVES.
YOU TOLD HIM THAT? I SURE DID.
GIVE ME THAT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHATEVER HAPPENED BETWEEN THOSE TWO BOYS IS NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.
BRIAN HAPPENS TO BE MY BEST FRIEND.
YEAH, I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR BEST FRIEND.
AND IF YOU ASK ME, JUSTIN DID THE RIGHT THING.
HOPEFULLY, THIS.
.
.
ETHAN KID WILL APPRECIATE HIM.
BRIAN APPRECIATED HIM.
HE DID EVERY- THING FOR HIM.
EVERYTHING BUT LOVE HIM.
BUT THEN HE CAN'T LOVE ANYBODY.
NOT EVEN YOU.
[ Clatter of pots .]
Lindsay: [ Reading .]
"TIME PASSED, AND IT LOOKED AS IF BEAUTY WOULD NEVER RETURN.
AND SO THE BEAST SHUT HIMSELF AWAY FROM THE WORLD, IN LONELINESS AND DESPAIR.
" HEY.
HEY-HEY, IT'S ONLY A FAIRY TALE.
[ Sigh .]
I KNOW.
HMM.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
A PHOTO, RIGHT AFTER WE GOT TOGETHER.
EIGHT YEARS.
HMMM.
GOES BY IN A BLINK.
A FLASH.
A SMILE.
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.
NEITHER HAVE YOU.
Both: [ Giggling .]
LIAR.
LIAR! [ Ringing of doorbell .]
[ Stereo j&j&j& .]
Melanie: CUTIE! LINZ, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
OH HI, SWEETIE.
COME ON IN.
I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
NO.
WE WERE JUST SET- TING UP FOR THE PARTY.
YOU'LL BE HERE, WON'T YOU? ACTUALLY I HAVE OTHER PLANS.
I-I CAME BY NOW TO GIVE YOU GUYS THIS.
OH, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BRING US.
.
.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
UH, WAIT.
YOU JUST GOT HERE.
ETHAN'S WAITING FOR ME.
WELL, YOU CAN BRING HIM TOO, IF YOU WANT.
Melanie: AND IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT RUNNING INTO BRIAN, FORGET IT.
THIS IS THE LAST PLACE HE'D BE.
IT WASN'T JUST THAT.
I.
.
.
FIGURED IT WOULD BE EASIER FOR YOU GUYS IF I WASN'T AROUND.
WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU THINK THAT? YOU WERE HIS FRIENDS FIRST.
BUT YOU'RE OUR FRIEND TOO.
WE LOVE YOU THE SAME AS HIM.
.
.
IF NOT MORE.
SO WHY DON'T YOU HOLD ON TO THAT, AND GIVE IT TO US AT THE PARTY? Gus: [ Babbling .]
Man: HI.
HI.
I WAS HOPING YOU'D MAKE YOUR WAY OVER HERE.
[ Mixed chatter .]
HUH! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT.
MY GOD, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D LIVE TO SEE THE DAY.
BRIAN KINNEY, REJECTED.
HIS STOCK HAS PLUMMETED.
THE NASDAQ OF FAGS.
I'M TELLING YOU, YOU'VE GOT TO BE SO CAREFUL WHAT YOU PUT IT INTO THESE DAYS.
Both: [ Snickering .]
DID YOU HEAR WHAT THEY WERE SAYING? MEAN, VICIOUS CUNTS.
SELF-LOATHING STEREOTYPES.
FUNNY, I THOUGHT THEY SOUNDED AN AWFUL LOT LIKE US.
WE'RE ALLOWED TO TALK THAT WAY.
WE'RE HIS FRIENDS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OVER AND LET HIM INSULT US FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
OH, GOOD IDEA.
MIGHT MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER.
Debbie: I THOUGHT YOU TWO'D BE HOME STAINING THE SHEETS.
[ Chuckling .]
WHY, IT MUST BE.
.
.
MMM.
.
.
DEBBIE.
[ Chuckling .]
OH, AND VIC.
THE NEW TWO- SOME IN TOWN.
Vic: I THINK IT'S GREAT.
AND DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU THE ODDS ARE STACKED AGAINST YOU.
WHAT ODDS? FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, VIC, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BRING UP CARLOS, ARE YOU? SCARE THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF THEM.
I WASN'T PLANNING TO.
WHO, UM.
.
.
WHO'S CARLOS? Vic: FORGET IT.
MY SISTER'S GOT A BIG MOUTH.
NEVER NOTICED.
HE AND VIC WERE BEST FRIENDS.
LIKE YOU TWO.
I MEAN, FOR YEARS THEY WERE INSEPARABLE.
AND THEN ONE DAY, CARLOS SAYS TO VIC, "I'M IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY.
" VIC SAYS, "WHO?" CARLOS SAYS, "YOU.
" I TRIED TO WARN THEM NOT TO MESS WITH A GOOD THING, BUT THEY WENT AHEAD WITH IT ANYWAY.
AND THREE MONTHS LATER, CARLOS VANISHES WITHOUT A TRACE, AND THIS ONE'S AROUND THE BEND.
YOU'RE LEAVING OUT A FEW DETAILS.
Debbie: THE POINT IS.
.
.
Vic: THE POINT IS, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.
HAVE A NICE NIGHT, GUYS.
HAVE A NICE NIGHT, GUYS.
I NEVER REALIZED YOU HAD.
.
.
SO MANY CLOTHES.
WELL, I NEVER REALIZED YOUR CLOSET WAS SO SMALL.
WELL, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CRAM IT ALL IN? YOU KNOW, WE NEVER HAD PROBLEMS BEFORE.
[ Chuckle/ playful growl .]
Michael: MM-MM-MMM.
WE'RE SUP- POSED TO.
.
.
BE MOVING YOU IN.
Both: [ Chuckling .]
ALL RIGHT.
AH-H.
HOW ABOUT RIGHT THERE? ALL RIGHT NOW, THESE ARE HARD.
YOU HAVE.
.
.
OKAY.
[ Indistinct comments .]
Brian: I LEAVE THE TWO OF YOU ALONE FOR FIVE MINUTES.
.
.
CHRIST, BRIAN.
HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE? MY WIDDLE KEY.
THAT'S FOR EMERGENCIES.
EXACTLY.
IF I DON'T FIND SOMEONE TO GO TO BABYLON WITH ME, I'LL DIE.
Michael: WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? GO ON, GET OUT.
BEN'S JUST MOVING IN.
SUFFERING SAPPHO.
YOU TOO.
LOOK, I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
MICHAEL.
WHY DON'T YOU GO WITH HIM? NOW? COME ON, LOOK.
.
.
LOOK AT HIM.
Ben: THE POOR GUY NEEDS A FRIEND.
I WOULD TOO, IF I EVER LOST YOU.
BUT WHAT ABOUT US? THIS IS YOUR FIRST NIGHT HERE.
AND THERE'LL BE OTHERS.
I LIVE HERE NOW, REMEMBER? [ Chuckling .]
MMM.
j& YOU'VE GOT THE MAGIC TOUCH j& <i>j& OOH-OOH j&</i> [ Whirring .]
j& IT MAKES ME GLOW SO MUCH j& <i>j& OOH-OOH-OOH.
.
.
j&</i> Emmett: CAN I COME IN NOW? HOLD ON.
HOLD ON.
j& .
.
.
IT RINGS A BELL j& j& THE MAGIC TOUCH j& <i>j& OOH, OOH, OOH j&</i> OKAY.
j& THE MAGIC TOUCH j& JESUS.
[ Chuckling .]
LOOKS LIKE FAO SCHWARTZ DECIDED TO OPEN AN ADULT TOYS DEPARTMENT.
SHUT UP AND GET IN BED.
OKAY.
WELL, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
WHAT FOR? I'M MODEST.
MODEST? I'VE SEEN YOU WHACK OFF ON THE WEBSITE 100 TIMES.
WELL, THAT WAS DIFFERENT.
THAT WAS WORK.
THIS IS YOU AND ME.
IT'S OUR FIRST TIME.
I WANT IT TO BE INNOCENT, YOU KNOW, FILLED WITH.
.
.
ANTICIPATION, AND.
.
.
AND DISCOVERY.
.
.
JOY.
[ Scoff .]
NOW, GO ON.
[ Sighing/chuckling .]
[ Giggle .]
OKAY, YOU CAN OPEN THEM.
[ Sigh .]
WELL.
.
.
HERE WE ARE.
YOU'D THINK MY HEART WAS RUNNING IN THE PREAKNESS.
MY HANDS ARE COLD AS ICE.
FEEL.
[ Screaming .]
SORRY.
[ Panting .]
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE JUST NEED TO.
.
.
CALM DOWN.
TAKE IT EASY.
GO SLOW.
AND DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH.
SO IN CASE THERE'S NO.
.
.
YOU KNOW.
.
.
FIREWORKS OR FANFARE OR.
.
.
THE PITTSBURGH POPS PLAYING THE "1812 OVERTURE", WE WON'T END UP LIKE VIC AND CARLOS.
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE HAPPENED? [ Sigh .]
IT'S BEST NOT TO KNOW.
[ Chuckling .]
IT MIGHT INCA- PACITATE US WITH SELF- DOUBT AND FEAR.
TEDDY? YEAH? YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.
RIGHT? YOU TOO.
OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, THERE'S NO ONE I FEEL CLOSER TO THAN YOU.
SO WHAT IF THIS DOESN'T WORK OUT? CAN WE STILL GO BACK TO BEING JUST FRIENDS? [ Deep sigh .]
[ Sigh of defeat .]
j& BRIGHTER THAN A LIGHTNING STRIKE j& j& SHOCKS ME WITH ELECTRIC HEAT j& j& STING ME AS A LOVER'S TOUCH j& j& HOTTER THAN THE MUSIC'S BEAT j& j& I LIGHT UP WHEN YOU WALK BY.
.
.
j& BRIAN.
BRIAN! BRIAN, I'VE GOT TO GO.
BEN'S WAITING.
I'M SURE THE PROFESSOR'S ALL TUCKED IN AND IN DREAM- LAND BY NOW.
VITAMINS? NO, THANKS.
[ Sniffing .]
MMMM.
IT'S JUST LIKE OLD TIMES, ISN'T IT? YEAH, YOU GET LOADED, AND I GET TO TAKE YOU HOME.
I MEAN.
.
.
JUST YOU AND ME.
[ Sniffing .]
OO-OOH! COME ON.
Michael: [ Narrating .]
<i>WHETHER IT WAS THE MUSIC,</i> <i>OR BRIAN'S SECRET BLEND</i> <i>OF 11HERBS AND SPICES,</i> <i>OR BECAUSE IT WAS,</i> <i>LIKE HESAID,</i> <i>THE WAY IT USED TO BE,</i> <i>EVERYTHING</i> <i>SEEMED TO VANISH,</i> <i>UNTIL IT WAS JUST THE</i> <i>TWO OF USUP THERE.
.
.
</i> <i>ALONE.
</i> Woman: .
.
.
CAN YOU JUST GATHER IN THE GROUP? THAT'S IT.
OKAY NOW, SAY, "PUSSY!" Various: PUSSY! [ Mixed chatter/ laughter .]
THIS NEARLY WAS OURS.
HMM.
A FLOUR-LESS ANNIVERSARY CAKE.
SANDALWOOD CANDLES.
"HAPPY 8th.
LOVE, DORY AND ROBYN.
" HMMM.
All: PUSSY! [ Laughter .]
AND OUR LATEST PHOTO FOR OUR KEEP- SAKE ALBUM, SHOWING US A LITTLE BIT OLDER THAN THE YEAR BEFORE.
AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT.
HMM.
LYING TO EACH OTHER.
.
.
"YOU LOOK GREAT!" "NO, <i>YOU</i> LOOK GREAT.
" "NO, <i>YOU</i> LOOK GREAT.
" "YOU.
.
.
" HEY! LOVEBIRDS.
YOU LOOK GREAT! [ Laughter .]
LOVEBIRDS.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
NEXT YEAR IT'LL BE YOU TWO.
YEAH, JUST LIKE US.
BYE! HAVE FUN.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
Michael: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SO MANY COUPLES? AH, IT'S THE NEW WORLD ORDER.
WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE HETEROS IS GOOD FOR THE HOMOS.
YOU SOUND SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE YOUR DANCING PARTNER.
WHAT TIME DID YOU GET IN LAST NIGHT? NOT TOO LATE.
Y.
.
.
YOU WERE ALREADY ASLEEP.
HM.
DID YOU HAVE FUN? SAME OLD, SAME OLD.
YEAH, SAME OLD HOT MUSIC, SAME OLD HALF-NAKED MEN.
Michael: WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? THE GIRLS INVITED HIM.
YEAH, AND HE HAS THE FUCKING NERVE TO BRING HIS NEW BOYFRIEND.
Melanie: HI.
WE'RE SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU, IN OUR.
.
.
IN OUR YARD.
[ Laughter .]
Bart: I SAY WE GO FOR THE KING EDWARD.
Ned: I SAY THE QUEEN MARY.
WHY DON'T YOU EACH GET A PRINCE ALBERT AND BE DONE WITH IT? WE'RE NOT DISCUSS- ING PIERCINGS.
THEY'RE SILVER PATTERNS.
AND HE'S BEING HIS USUAL GODDAMNED STUBBORN SELF.
I'M STUBBORN? <i>I'M</i> STUBBORN.
WE FINALLY DECIDE ON BLUE CORNFLOWER FOR PLATES.
WE REGISTERED AND EVERYTHING.
AND THEN HE CHANGES HIS MIND.
I'M ALLOWED TO CHANGE MY MIND.
Ned: WELL THEN, MAYBE THEN I SHOULD CHANGE MINE ABOUT EVEN HAVING THE CEREMONY.
Bart: HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME AFTER BEING TOGETHER FOR NINE MONTHS? CHRIST, AREN'T THERE ANY GOOD OLD-FASHIONED QUEERS LEFT? YOU KNOW, NOT THAT I GIVE A FUCK, BUT.
.
.
I KNOW A COUPLE OF BULLS WHO COULD ADVISE YOU BEARS.
[ Mixed chatter .]
Debbie: THERE YOU GO, HONEY.
WANNA TAKE THESE OUTSIDE FOR ME? THERE ARE PEOPLE WAITING FOR IT.
THANK YOU.
MM-HMM.
HEY! Debbie: HOLD IT.
GET YOUR PERKY LITTLE BUTT BACK HERE.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU WALK BY ME AND NOT SAY HELLO? DEB, PLEASE.
THIS IS HARD ENOUGH.
YEAH WELL, YOU'D MAKE IT EASIER ON YOURSELF IF YOU SHOWED SOME MANNERS.
WHO THE FUCK'S HE? THIS IS ETHAN.
HMM.
THE NEW BOYFRIEND.
I'M DEBBIE.
HI.
I'VE BEEN KEEPING AN EYE ON SUNSHINE EVER SINCE HE LEFT HOME.
SUNSHINE? YOU GOT A PROB- LEM WITH THAT? NO.
NO PROBLEM.
WHATEVER MY SON SAID TO YOU, HE DOES NOT SPEAK FOR ME, OR ANYONE ELSE.
WE ALL STILL LOVE YOU, AND YOU'RE STILL A MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY.
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? YEAH.
I EXPECT YOU BACK AT THE DINER FIRST THING TOMORROW.
DON'T BE LATE.
AS FOR YOU.
.
.
MM-HM? YOU'RE FUCKING ADORABLE IS WHAT YOU ARE.
[ Chuckling .]
Woman: AH, EXCUSE ME? EXCUSE ME? UM, CAN I.
.
.
OH, SORRY.
[ Mixed chatter .]
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? I BELIEVE I WAS INVITED.
YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T COMING.
I WASN'T.
HOWEVER, UH, MY TWO NEW BEST FRIENDS.
.
.
NED.
BART.
THEY CAN'T MAKE UP THEIR MINDS: THE QUEEN MARY OR KING EDWARD? AND I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD SETTLE IT FOR THEM.
GOTTA PISS.
CHRIST.
BRIAN.
.
.
WATCH WHERE YOU'RE AIMING.
CAN'T YOU WAIT TILL I'M FINISHED? [ Unzipping of fly .]
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I'VE SEEN IT.
[ Sigh .]
[ Zipping of fly .]
DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS.
BY THE WAY.
.
.
I HOPE YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT.
THE KING EDWARD IS STUNNING.
AND THE QUEEN MARY'S A CLASSIC.
BUT WE WENT WITH THE EMPRESS ALEXANDRA.
IT'S ELEGANT ENOUGH FOR DINNER.
.
.
BUT STURDY ENOUGH FOR EVERY DAY.
YEAH.
IT'S LOVELY.
DON'T YOU THINK SO, HONEY? Bart: LOVELY.
SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO BEEN TOGETHER? UH, EIGHT YEARS AND STILL COUNTING.
Lindsay & Melanie: <i>KAYNA HORA!</i> [ Chuckling .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
DO YOU BELIEVE THE NERVE OF THAT LITTLE TWAT, SHOWING UP HERE WITH HIS NEW BOYFRIEND? I TOLD HIM TO STAY THE FUCK OUT OF OUR LIVES.
WHY'D YOU DO THAT? AFTER WHAT HE DID? HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
WE WERE NEVER HAPPILY MARRIED.
HE WAS ALWAYS FREE TO GO.
SO WAS I.
YOU'RE JUST SAY- ING THAT.
HE'S A SELFISH SHIT.
BE QUIET, MICHAEL.
HE USED YOU, AND HE TOOK FROM YOU AND HE NEVER GAVE BACK A THING.
I SAID BE QUIET.
AND THIS IS THE THANKS YOU GET FOR SAVING HIS LIFE.
IF YOU ASK ME, IT WASN'T WORTH IT.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE JUST LEFT HIM LYING THERE.
.
.
[ Clanging of bell .]
[ Shouting of crowd at boxing match .]
Michael: <i>AND THERE YOU</i> <i>HAVE IT, FOLKS,</i> <i>THE INSTANT RECAP</i> <i>LEADING TO THE</i> <i>SURPRISE PUNCH</i> <i>THAT LANDED</i> <i>MIGHTY MIKE NOVOTNY</i> <i>ON HIS KEISTER.
</i> MICHAEL! [ Mixed reactions .]
SHIT! Debbie: SHIT! Various: IS THERE.
.
.
IS THERE A NURSE OR A DOCTOR? BRIAN! WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM? Debbie: YOU FUCKING ANIMAL, HITTING MY KID.
Lindsay: JESUS.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU SON OF A BITCH! NO, DON'T! [ Breaking of glass .]
Woman: DO MEN ALWAYS DO THAT? I'M ALL RIGHT.
LEMME SEE, SWEETHEART.
LEMME SEE.
BRIAN, I THINK YOU BETTER LEAVE.
NOW! Debbie: ASSHOLE.
DON'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM.
.
.
Various: GO, ASSHOLE.
GET OUT.
[ Mixed murmurs .]
[ Grunting in pain .]
Woman: I FIGURE IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.
[ Murmurs of agreement .]
[ Opening of door .]
Emmett: NO COLOUR WHEEL? NO.
NO.
.
.
DILDOS? NO.
NO ROBE? JUST ME, IN THE FLESH.
NOW, ARE WE ABSOLUTELY, WE WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS? ABSOLUTELY NO.
BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT'S WORTH THE RISK? I GUESS WE'LL KNOW IN ABOUT LET'S, UH.
.
.
LET'S GIVE IT AT LEAST HALF AN HOUR.
HUH.
RIGHT.
WELL.
.
.
HERE GOES.
UH, WAIT.
I.
.
.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I PROMISE NOT TO VANISH WITHOUT A TRACE.
AND I PROMISE NOT TO GO AROUND THE BEND.
UH, WAIT.
[ Whispering .]
GOOD LUCK, TEDDY.
BREAK A LEG, EM.
HMM.
[ Knocking on door .]
I'M WORKING.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? TO GIVE YOU THIS.
A MAKE-UP GIFT? GO ON.
TAKE IT.
OH MY GOD.
.
.
IT'S DRIPPING BLOOD! WHAT'S IN HERE? IT'S YOUR MOTHER'S HEART.
[ Chuckling .]
IT'S A KANSAS CITY STEAK.
IT'S $23 A POUND.
STICK IT ON YOUR EYE, THEN EAT IT.
THANKS A FUCKING LOT.
DOES IT HURT? CUT IT OUT.
YOU NEVER HIT ME BEFORE.
BUT I GUESS AFTER WHAT I SAID, I DESERVED IT.
YOU MUST REALLY LOVE HIM.
[ Scoffing .]
I-I TOLD HIM FROM DAY ONE, I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE.
I BELIEVE IN.
.
.
FUCKING.
YEAH.
I.
.
.
I KNOW.
EXCEPT FOR YOU, OF COURSE.
I'M HONOURED.
I WANT YOU TO MAKE UP WITH HIM.
NO FUCKING WAY.
BUT YOU HAVE WORK TO DO.
"RAGE," VOLUME ONE, ISSUE NUMBER TWO.
FORGET IT.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT MIKEY'S BIG DREAM? HE'LL JUST HAVE TO GET HIMSELF A NEW ONE.
HEY, YOU WANT TO, UM.
.
.
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE DINER, GET SOMETHING TO EAT? I GOT PLANS.
[ Opening of door .]
[ Jingling of bells .]
[ Knocking on door .]
HI.
MY NAME'S.
.
.
DOESN'T MATTER.
SO AM I WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR? CLOSE ENOUGH.
THAT'LL BE UP FRONT.
[ Rustling of money .]
THE BEDROOM'S THAT WAY.
ROLL OVER.
MOO!