Rules of Engagement s03e01 Episode Script

Hey.
Hey.
Remember on your birthday how you asked me for something special? Oh, my God, you're taking me to Cancun? Not that birthday.
You bought those diamond earrings from Tiffany's? Not that special.
How many birthdays are we going back, Jeff? I'm no longer interested in seeing the Go-Go's.
That was never gonna happen.
Well, whatever it is, I'm sure I will love it.
Or whatever I exchange it for.
You're not gonna wanna exchange this, my friend.
Fifth row center for a little Broadway offering called Wicked.
You're kidding.
I can't believe you remembered.
It's been like four years.
Great, they've probably worked out the kinks by now.
What made you think of this? I was in that neighborhood where there's theater after theater, all the theaters.
What's it called down there? The theater district? No, it'll come to me.
Anyway, I looked up, saw the poster, thought of you.
The poster has two witches on it.
You're right, it is the theater district.
Well, thank you honey, this was very sweet wait, Jeff, there's only one ticket in here.
Yeah! I am not gonna cause a distraction while you sneak in the side door.
I'm not going.
That's part of your gift.
I don't want to go alone.
Yes, you do.
I want you to go with me.
No, you don't.
It's more fun to share the experience with someone.
Is it? Well, let's examine the last time we shared the theater-going experience.
We got to our seats You mimed killing yourself.
Curtain went up You mimed killing yourself.
Three townspeople on stage started to sing You mimed killing them, and then turned the gun on yourself.
That was before the boiler went on the fritz.
This is the most thoughtful gift ever.
* How many ways To say, "I love you"? * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Shut up, Russell.
Ow.
Hey, guys, what's going on? Well, Russell's making fun of us because I mentioned that Adam and I are taking dance lessons for our wedding.
Not you, just Adam.
Or should I say "Mr.
Mo-jangles.
" There's nothing gay about taking dance lessons for your wedding.
Yeah, we did it.
Oh, did you, "Fred Astaire at some guys ass?" What, it's funny when it's not me.
Well, we're starting early, because "we" need all the help "we" can get.
Good thing you're holding your hand up so I don't get my feelings hurt.
I'm sorry.
It doesn't matter that you're a bad dancer, it's just another thing we get to do together, and I love doing things with you.
Me too.
Don't you mean "me tutu"? Ballerina? No? All right, I'm out.
Pay for me.
You know, Adam, you don't have to pretend to love everything she does.
Do you get a commission every time a couple breaks up? I'm just saying, there's such a thing as too much togetherness.
You see TheShining? You're old.
I'm wise.
When you've been together as long as Audrey and I have, it's okay to have separate interests.
For instance, she loves going to the theater and I hate it.
Hating the theater is not an interest.
An interest is something you enjoy.
I enjoy hating the theater.
Well, there's gotta be stuff you guys like doing together.
Yeah.
There's gotta be.
There is.
Like the boat show.
Which, by the way, is in town this week.
Again? Didn't we just go to that thing? A year ago.
Really? God, feels like just yesterday I was thinking.
"Boy, I'm glad I don't have to suffer through this for another year.
" Come on, you love the boat show.
No, I tolerate it.
I only do it 'cause you like it.
Huh, first time I've heard that outside the bedroom.
I hear the new lead is great.
Who's the original girl in this? Kristen Chenoweth.
Oh.
My husband would not have known that in a million years.
So where do you wanna go get dinner after? And one, two, three, back, two, three.
Down, two, three, one, two, three.
Come on, count.
Oh.
One, two, three, and back Not out loud.
Can't you think something without actually saying it? Yeah, I'm doing it right now.
No, no, no, no, no.
You see, it's forward, two, three He's trying, Mr.
Vargas, he just has no sense of rhythm.
You see, he was raised on a commune, and I don't need a bio, chica.
He's not the problem.
I'm not? He's not? No, you are.
Tough break, chica.
And one, two, three, down Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! You got me.
You're so good.
You know, the first time I saw this.
Kristen blew me away, but this girl she might be better.
I mean, she really made Glinda her own.
Well, hello, Russell.
Oh, my God.
This isn't a strip club.
I want my money back! Hey, Audrey! Oh, my God.
I thought this was a strip club, I got all turned around I saw you inside.
No, you didn't.
You were crying.
No, I wasn't.
I took a picture.
That's good quality.
Now, delete it! Delete it! Fine.
Fine, I was in there.
I like musicals.
Don't tell anyone.
Mm, that you were here? That you were sobbing? Or that "she really made Glinda her own?" Okay, okay.
What's it gonna take to keep you quiet? What do you got? I can get you great seats to any show, any time.
Come on.
What's your connection? Well, I may or may not be the editor of Bernadette Peters' fanzine.
Deal.
Okay.
But you do not want to cross me on this.
Because I swear to you if anyone finds out, you will rue the day that you Ooh, second act! That's all you're having? Oh, we have a dance lesson today and Mr.
Vargas doesn't like us to practice on a full stomach.
Screw Mr.
Vargas.
Trouble in Danceland? Oh, well, it seems that "we're" not as good as "we" thought "we" were.
That joke stopped being funny like four days ago.
Oh, has it been four days? Because, you'd think that "we'd" be better by now.
Don't get mad, honey.
It's just a dance class.
It's like you said, it's something we can do together.
So you snuck in late last night.
Oh, yeah.
The show was over three hours long.
I didn't get home till after midnight.
Mr.
Vargas says it's important to get a good night's sleep.
Oh, my God.
It was so good, Jeff.
You would've hated it.
See how that works? She goes to the theater, I stay home where I don't have to hear anyone express themself through song.
Unless, of course, Adam breaks out in a love ballad to Mr.
Vargas.
Jealous.
You almost finished there? I don't want to be late for the boat show.
Only the first 500 customers get the commemorative refrigerator magnet.
Oh, that's today? I have a ticket to the matinee.
I'm going to the theater.
Again? You're turning into a, uh what do you call those people who always go to the theater? Theater-goers.
You wouldn't believe how often we have this exact conversation.
You always have fun when we go.
We eat boat show junk, use boat lingo, I make a funny "seaman" pun.
I quietly question all my life choices You know, I've never been to a boat show.
What do you do there? You look at boats.
You really didn't see that coming? How can you skip the boat show? You'll miss all the celebrities.
Captain Crunch is not a celebrity.
Oh, I'm sorry, what cereal box is your face on? Come on, Audrey, you gotta go.
No! Fair is fair, Jeff.
You didn't go to the theater with me, I shouldn't go to the boat show with you.
It's not the same thing.
It's exactly the same thing.
Boat shows are fun.
Musicals are fun.
They would be, if they were boat shows.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but let's get to dance class a little early today.
Oh, good.
Mr.
Vargas likes punctuality.
Oh, my God! Where you been? Three minutes till curtain.
I know, I'm sorry.
I had to blow Jeff off.
It took longer than I expected.
Well, what do you think, the guy's not 18 anymore.
Blow him off.
As in not go to the boat show with him.
Oh.
You know, I thought Yeah, I know.
Yeah, okay.
It's a great show, huh? Best so far.
Are you in the market for something today? No, I'm, uh, just looking.
So, does this thing hold a lot of seamen? Yes, 'cause that's how you'd say it, sir.
It's a classic.
I know you're at your show.
Call me at intermission.
Something terrific just happened.
Jeff! Oh.
Hey, Mike! Hey, man.
It's good to see you.
I was hoping you'd be here.
Wouldn't miss it.
Gotta check out the new models.
Me too.
And, uh, in my spare time I look at the boats.
So, uh, is Ginny here? Oh, no.
Turns out she never liked it, she only came because I made her.
Finally she just said, "Mike, I'm done.
" Yeah, I think Audrey's boat show days are behind her too.
Yeah, well, Ginny wasn't just talking about the boat show.
She was talking about the Mike show.
She's out.
Oh.
Sorry.
Wow, you guys were married awhile.
Twelve years.
Same as me and Audrey.
Yeah? Well, then you know what I'm talking about.
Right? You know, you You start to grow apart.
You don't like the same things anymore.
Including each other.
I don't know why I'm laughing.
She took all my stuff.
Hey, you know this is the first theater I was ever in? Really? When was that? Oh, ha, I must've been seven years old.
Oh, your parents took you? No, God, no.
They were too busy screaming at each other.
No, I had a nanny named Helga, who was a bigger woman.
Arms like a longshoreman.
She, uh, bundled me up, the next thing I know we're here in this whole other world where people are singing and dancing and happy.
And I just loved it.
Oh, Russell.
Yeah, oldest story in the book though, right? Except usually the guy telling it wants to be Evita not bang Evita.
It's pretty lame, right? No, not at all.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
You know, Jeff cried his eyes out at Mr.
Holland's Opus.
Really? Yes.
There's nothing unmanly about showing your emotions.
I mean, it's actually very attractive to women when men are sensitive.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
I once got a happy ending for pretending to cry at my grandmother's funeral.
Oh, here we go.
She and I just drifted apart.
We navigated into some stormy waters, and set sail for different horizons.
Then, uh, my accountant started dropping anchor in her harbor.
Painful, but kudos for sticking with the nautical theme.
Yeah, but it's better now.
You know.
Nobody yapping in my ear about the antique show or some dumb cooking class.
Although cooking would come in handy.
The pizza delivery guy's starting to make comments.
Like he's got a life.
So you're doing okay.
Oh, man.
I'm having a ball.
I play golf all I want, I play video poker till 4 a.
m.
, I got a two-day pass for the boat show.
Isn't that sweet? Are you coming tomorrow? No How about bowling, you like bowling? I'm pretty much free any night.
Or Atlantic City.
I know this great bus.
It doesn't have air conditioning, but you get $10 in quarters.
Last time I went, the old woman next to me got heat stroke and I got her quarters.
I can't promise that that will happen when you and I go Uh-oh.
Phone call.
I didn't even hear it ring.
It's on vibrate.
But I didn't hear it go: Which is Yeah.
Hello? Emergency? I'll be right there.
I, uh, gotta go.
It's an emergency.
What kind of emergency? Very bad.
Lot of blood.
Real horror show.
Can I come with? Stay in the boat, Mike.
Wow, that was our best show so far.
Oh, I know.
I'm gonna have to totally rethink my Tony predictions.
Should we, uh, go get some coffee? Uh, yeah, let me hit the restroom.
Damn that Sondheim and his no intermissions.
Oh, great.
You're here.
What are you doing here? Everything okay? Yeah, it's fine.
What's going on? I just thought I'd take you to dinner and you could tell me about the singing and dancing you saw.
And you know, what makes them do all that.
All right, w-why aren't you at the boat show? The truth is it wasn't that much fun without you.
Oh, really? That's so sweet.
Plus I realized that if you do too many things separately, you could wind up on a bus to Atlantic City stealing quarters off an old lady with heat stroke.
Th-That makes no sense.
Oh.
See the bus isn't air conditioned.
So, if you weren't having a good time why did I get a message that says something terrific happened? Yeah, that was early on.
I, uh, scored big with a seaman pun.
Anyway, from now I think that we should make an effort to like the things the other person likes.
Okay.
And, uh, who knows, maybe we can, uh, find something we like doing together.
I can think of one or two things.
Two? What's the other one? Hey, Audrey, I got us T-shirts.
All they had was extra large, but I can make it work.
This isn't a strip club.
What's going on here? Russell, stop.
You knew he was? Did you guys come together? No, no, no.
The truth is I'm nailing your wife Oh, Russell! Don't get mad.
Here's the deal.
Russell and I have been coming to the theater all week together.
And it's been really wonderful sharing that with him.
Him? Yes.
He has this whole other side that is cultured and kind and sensitive, but he won't show it to you, 'cause he's afraid you'll make fun of him.
Thank you.
I'm a dead man.
No.
No, you are not.
Jeff, please tell him you're not gonna tease him.
I'd only do that so he'd see it coming a little bit less.
Russell's a theater queen.
I may have to quit my job to focus on this full time.
Oh, you might want to take a break so you can pop in Mr.
Holland's Opus and cry like Betsy Wetsy.
I only told him to show him that Just like a woman.
Can't keep anything from her girlfriends.
Oh, boo-hoo, poor Mr.
Holland, had to give up his dreams and teach high school.
Wah! He changed those kids' lives! He gave them the gift of music.
So did Professor Harold Hill in The Music Man.
He changed a whole town! By what, prancing around and singing a bunch of stuff he could've just said? Robert Preston did not prance.
He marched proudly, as he led the big parade.
I bet I know what kind of parade that was.
Oh, I'm Mr.
Holland, I gave up all my dreams! Good.
Excellent.
Ah, no, no, no.
What? What? Okay! It's just a stupid dance! What is it that I'm doing so wrong? Sh-She ate like 80 fries at lunch today.
All right, let's try it again.
Jennifer? You just watch.
Wah! I need another hankie, I'm Mr.
Holland's Doofus.
Hi, I'd like one on the aisle for Oklahomo.
Shut up! You guys have been doing this for, like, 11 blocks.
For one brief shining moment, I had theater buddy Russell and sweet husband Jeff.
And then just like that, it's back to.
"You have feelings," "You like things," "You're gay," "No, you're gay.
" What are you guys, eight? He is.
You are.
Shut up! Why are all male friendships based on insulting each other? Huh? I think it's very sad that you go through life just looking for ways to cut each other down.
Well, maybe she's right.
We do waste a lot of time ragging on each other.
I guess it wouldn't kill us to grow up a little.
I guess not.
That's Adam.
Dancing with a dude.
No way! Oh, this is too good.
Let's get him.
Yeah.
Very impressive choice for your comeback.
This musical is three and a half hours long.
Just more time I get to spend with the woman I love.
Jeff? Holy smokes, what are the odds? Hey, are you a single? Yes.
I'm third row center.
Can we swap so I can sit next to my friend? Sure.
Thank you, heh, heh.
Hey, there! This is great.
Well, pretty lady.
So you guys are still together, huh? All right.
Hey, you wanna grab a bite after? It's on me, I cleaned up in Atlantic City.
Is your weekend booked? Because we have got a sweet foosball table at the rec room at my complex.
The teenagers usually hog it, but sometimes you get lucky.
If not, we can hit the jacooz, get our soak on! You're not supposed to go in naked, but I probably will.
Heh.
I don't like to get urine on my shorts.